How the Narcissist Devalues Different Victims
Devaluation.
This period of the narcissistic dynamic is regarded as always being part of the dynamic and understandably the worst part of it. Those who consider it as an ever present part of the dynamic however are over-stating its presence because whether devaluation appears at all and if it does, how it will manifest, depends very much on the nature of the dynamic with our appliances.
Commencing with the Tertiary Source, most of the time our engagements with Tertiary Sources do not include any devaluation. There are two main reasons for this :-
- The engagement is brief. We either engage with the Tertiary Source once, for a short time and never again or we engage with them repeatedly but it is only ever brief in nature; and
- The needs of the façade mean that engaging with the Tertiary Source in a benign way is the most effective method of proceeding.
It is the case however that Tertiary Sources are devalued. They will be insulted, ignored, triangulated with other superior-ranking sources. This devaluation may be because the Tertiary Source has ignited our fury (for instance a bar tender failing to serve us ahead of someone else) but the devaluation may just occur because we regard it as an expedient response. For instance, we see that it would draw amusement or admiration from our friends (Non Intimate Secondary Sources) if we pour scorn on a homeless person in the street or we insult the waitress in a bar. Neither of these people will have necessarily criticised us but we consider them expendable and by devaluing them we gain negative fuel from them and positive fuel from other sources.
Any devaluation of a Tertiary Source is short in duration. It is a burst of negative fuel but it is not hugely potent (indeed the admiration from the secondary or primary source which it brings about is more potent) when compared to other sources and the quantity of fuel provided is low. This is because the Tertiary Source will not be bound to us and therefore after a period of time of responding in a manner which provides this negative fuel the Tertiary Source more often than not will dis-engage.
The period of devaluation for a Tertiary Source may be less than a minute if they provide negative fuel and then back off. Of course if they continue to engage us and provide Challenge Fuel, we will keep provoking them and also asserting our perceived superiority over them in order to put them in their place. We also of course cannot have some upstart Tertiary source making us look bad in front of other superior sources. We are unlikely to keep ‘pursuing’ the Tertiary Source. Thus, if we upbraid a waiter and he retreats to the kitchen, we are unlikely to follow him and keep the devaluation going. Instead, we take the negative fuel from his angry reaction and let him withdraw. We consider it largely beneath us to keep pressing such an individual. Of course, if the waiter returns to us, we will devalue again and keep doing so for as long as he keeps appearing in front of us.
It is unlikely that the Tertiary Source will be smeared as a consequence of this devaluation because ultimately within our fuel matrix the Tertiary Source is not of significant importance and therefore it is not worth expending the energy and time on smearing them.
We may see this Tertiary Source on another occasion and provoke them again or we may engage with them in a benign fashion. It does not matter to us how we treated them on the previous interaction because of the way we compartmentalise.
In respect of secondary sources, devaluation does occur but if and when it does, it is for a reason which is directly linked to the behaviour of the secondary source.
If someone is a non-intimate secondary source, therefore they are a family member, friend or colleague, they will usually enjoy an elongated golden period. Devaluation of the secondary source will only occur where that individual has sought to expose us, challenge us extensively or has turned off the fuel supply completely. The devaluation will be longer than that of the Tertiary Source because the secondary source will be bound more closely to us. This binding will be as a consequence of the nature of the relationship – the person is in our social circle with other people, they work with us or they are in our family circle – but also because we will have put more effort into binding them to us. Accordingly, the secondary source is less likely to withdraw in the same way that a Tertiary Source would. Instead, the secondary source is more likely to want to try to find out why they are being treated this way, to seek to make amends and to gain our favour once again. Sometimes this devaluation occurs as a consequence of needing to send a signal to other secondary sources that they ought not to cross us so that they realise it is preferable to remain loyal to us than cross us in some way.
The secondary source who is devalued is likely to be smeared by us. We will want other secondary sources of the same circle or ilk to turn against the devalued secondary source and complete their isolation and to ostracise them. We are conscious of the maintenance of the façade and therefore we will look to present a reason for why this secondary source has fallen from favour, is no longer invited, is not welcome at certain gatherings and so forth.
The period of devaluation for a secondary source varies in terms of the actual engagement and the period over which the person is regarded as ‘black’. If the secondary source wants to talk to us to find out why they are treated this way, we will keep devaluing them so this might be a matter of minutes or a couple of hours. If they remain proximate to us and keep providing negative fuel, we will keep devaluing and provoking them. If they retreat and try to engage us on another occasion, they will remain ‘black’ until they do something (or there is an external act) which causes us to regard them as ‘white’ and we welcome them to the fold again. For instance, if the secondary source seeks forgiveness and has a residual benefit we want, we will extend our graciousness to admit them into the relevant circle again. If we see no purpose, other than negative fuel, then they remain painted ‘black’ and they will be dis-engaged from and we will find a replacement for them soon enough.
In some instances the secondary source may dis-engage and have nothing more to do with us, thus a friend never socialises with us, the family member withdraws or the colleague moves workplaces or department. Sometimes they may not have such an option and instead they remain in effect a scapegoat for us, remaining ‘black’ for years and are devalued further each time there is any interaction with us. Thus, every time there is a family gathering they will be subject to contemptuous comments, triangulation or silent treatments. Of course, this long-lasting devaluation may be intermittent as we may only see this secondary source at certain events or places. Similar to the tertiary source we will rarely keep seeking out the secondary source to devalue him or her.
Where the secondary source is of an intimate variety, either an IPSS or DSIPSS, then the dynamic alters. There are two potential forms of devaluation.
The first is used as a corrective measure to bring the IPSS or DSIPSS back into line. Thus devaluation and dis-engagement is not a certainty but instead, if the IPSS or DSIPSS responds favourably to this ‘warning’ then the devaluation will halt and the golden period continues. This is because the IPSS or DSIPSS’s fuel is regarded as still valuable and not stale and devaluation is used because they are not complying as they ought to do. This corrective devaluation brings them back into line and thus the corrective devaluation halts.
The second is where the IPSS or DSIPSS does not respond to the warning and thus their failure and treachery means that he or she must now be punished as we head towards dis-engagement. The devaluation in this instance will be more intense than the corrective devaluation but it will not last for long because either the IPSS or DSIPSS stays out of our way or if they do not, we want to turn to a different IPSS or DSIPSS (or find a new one) and therefore dis-engagement comes along quickly.
Finally there is the IPPS. The Intimate Partner Primary Source is the person who suffers the longest devaluation, the harshest devaluation and is the one which is recognised by most people. This happens because
- You promised to be The One. Your failure to live up to our ideals mean you must be punished, we are not going to let you off the hook easily;
- Your negative fuel is potent, plentiful and frequent and therefore we want to keep drawing that from you;
- This negative fuel also provides contrast and the motivation for our seduction of your potential replacement;
- You are bound to us and therefore you are far less likely to withdraw from us. This binding is both emotional and non-emotional. Emotionally it arises because you want to return to the golden period, you want to make everything alright, you are a love devotee and want to have love triumph, you may well be co-dependent, you do not want to admit defeat and you are addicted to us. The non-emotional are matters such as finances, children, house, family pressures and so forth. The combination of these factors means that you cling to us and because you most likely live with us your devaluation occurs each day;
- We grant you Respite Periods. This takes place within the umbrella of the Devaluation Period and means that you are given renewed hope (so you stick around) and also it means your potential for becoming numbed and unresponsive is reduced by these periods which allow you to gather some strength again;
- The IPPS may be the only person in our fuel matrix who is being devalued and this will usually take place behind closed doors to preserve the façade so there is less likelihood of external interference which will disrupt the devaluation.
The devaluation of the IPPS is the most brutal of all the devaluations of appliances, it continues for the longest, it can be years, even decades in some instances and within this devaluation comes a whole host of manipulations and abuses which cover the emotional, the financial, the sexual and the physical.
15 thoughts on “How the Narcissist Devalues Different Victims”
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Well, not so sure if the devaluation of the IPPS is the most brutal? What about the scapegoat-child of a narcissist? In IPPS could theoretically escape. A child cannot! I have never been IPPS for a long time, but the scapegoat-child! I know that IPPSes suffer very very badly, I´m just asking the question if being the “scapegoat” of the familiy is not equally brutal? I personally found it extremely brutal!
Hi Leela: In my case I was the scapegoat created by mother and it was most likely because I was the the oldest and most challenging as opposed to my younger siblings. I was strong, independent annd a bit of a wild child but not in ann unhealthy way. Also I was the apple of the eye to my father. I always felt protective to him and took his side so that rankled her too. Perhaps the fact I was a daddy’s girl and had his unconditional love never made it brutal. Instead I looked at it as my mother and I being opposites. We are in many ways. But being the scapegoat created a dividing line with my siblings that persisted into adulthood. In fact on my death bed my father spoke of unity, and asked me to make peace with my brother. I didn’t know then my brother harbored such resentment as our visits didn’t reveal it but apparently so. Today I have a civil but not close relationship with my siblings. In part, as I moved out at 17 upon high school graduation and never came home living in another country even for a year , NYC or Philly summers and moving to California at 21 or 22 for law school. I think labeling a child a scapegoat is wrong and created to cause family members to take sides. Not healthy!
Exactly the same here! I was just “too strong”, too hard to control for Patri Narc. I did what I WANTED and not what HE wanted me to do. I did not look like HE wanted me to look (he´s a Somatic), I did not behave, HE wanted me to behave, I did not comply. And I started questionning his parenting style very early in childhood. I saw that my friends´parents were completely different and started questionning why Patri Narc was so focussed on things like appearance and facade and why he had such terrible mood swings. Didn´t know back then, but now I know: NPD and FUEL! I´m ANC with my family and that´s perfectly fine. I´m mostly on the shelf anyway. 😂
Same with me. Oldest child and scapegoat. I started defying my father when I was 10 years old, I kept trying to run away (in the middle of the night), I would scream at him if he was screaming at my Mom and by the time I was a teenager I did what I wanted as often as I could!
My sister and I have a better relationship than we did but there is still a feeling of distrust that hangs over our heads.
Yeah, same here, I was screaming and talking back too. I often lied to my parents and deceived them. Told them that I´m going to do X but in secret I did Y. 😉Or found zillions of excuses why I could not do what my father wanted me to do. Nowadays, I would describe my relationship to my familiy as “cold and polite”. There´s ANC and nothing more than polite small talk. I don´t have any relationship to anyone, I´m just polite and very distant! Everbody is. Family gatherings are more a duty than anything else. Like a business meeting or so: You may not particularly like those people, but well, you have to have dinner with them, and you have to be polite, because it´s your duty.
Hi Leela! Funny how a defiant child to a narc or narcissistic parent becomes an empath. There’s this saying that you become the abuser or you become the opposite. There is so much study about abuse going down generations and the need to break the Chain. I was wild in that I was the “ tough” one, the “ strong one” and I was tested as “ gifted” but my mom didn’t want me out in a special school. She al says said “ you were an interesting child.” What does that mean? So I stayed. I never wanted my hair combed in place, I wanted to wear pants my mother felt that was “ unlady like.” It’s a fun family story that in third grade I told her I didn’t want to be a lady I wanted to be a lawyer!” Yes, third grade. Like my marine son who choose to be a soldier almost from birth and us today. It’s this desire to make the world better but you get delusions later… I digress. I became almost a zealot as a child. Wondering about life and death and our existence at age 5. I went to church often with my Catholic Polish and Italian neighbors regularly and with my parents when they went . My dad was a Christian and a folk singer so God was there. My mother was a New England Methodist who rarely went. I was obsessed with God then in an existential crisis. I spent hours outside contemplating God and not coming in when I had too. I had an experience with God. Or I think. Because of it at age 12, St Francis prayer became my mantra. I loved Rumi too and Anne Rand. My mother said there are many ways to say “ fuck you” when I hung gospel quotes or Rumi on my walls. Nature fascinated me. I prayed to trees. We spent summers at the ocean in Old Lyme at our family cottage that my great grand dad built and I loved to go out at night to the farthest jetty and pray to the ocean. I knew it was my future. I knew I would never live far from the sea. I dressed like Madonna, goth as a teen and I was a horrible teen. I lied about my age and got a job at 14. I had an older boyfriend. He had his own place. I bought a car at 16 and wanted to move out. I was only with my boyfriend for 3.5 years never sexual outside. But girls at school were jealous and bullied me. I know what it is like to not know where to sit at lunch. I became friends with the soulful potheads and the blacks who welcomed me that sat separately. I also got two close friends from the Catholic school across the street. Friends until this day but one died. The other, I will be her matron of honor soon. Their two boyfriends were my boyfriends best friends. Older. It was a breakfast club. I was happy there. My parents refused to let me move in with my boyfriend. I don’t blame them. I just as young but so wild and independent. . I got straight As and took college in high school and the one and only scholarship in my state to go to Washington DC. I was in the newspapers and I was chosen out of all the states to give the final address. I got to question King Faisal and the Chinese ambassador. I asked about tariffs as I thought unfair. Reagan was President then. I founded a legal society in my high school and a bullied kid became my VP. I did drama and starred and literally lost myself on stage and did cheerleading but I was outside the click. I would skip school regularly. So bad… I would go to Casinos in Ocean City or NYC night clubs like the Palladium at 16 or to nature walks alone. I was a rebel to the core. My father was a vet with alcohol problems and we went to counseling because of my behavior and the counselors said I was acting out to save the family. I was always the scapegoat and maybe in my teens I earned it or wore it proudly. I recall my drama coach saying “ you are so creative why do you always see yourselves an outsider looking in?” I never understood. Still don’t but it haunts me. I don’t know why. I also was “cursed?” With weird weird unrelenting dreams that I have been known as having since a small child. I don’t know why. I left at 17 and never went back … living in NYC, Philly, Manchester Uk, London then California where I remain. I sometimes worked three jobs. I put myself through college and lawschool, was a single parent and bought my kids an home. It’s now worth a million or more. My mother was against my move to California and my dear father supported it wholly like with anything I choose. My mother to this day blanes me for moving away and my siblings who remained close and near supported her. I was the back sheep. The forever scapegoat. When they divorced, after 34 years, and she cheated on him for a rich man, my father moved near me and we were the best of friends but he died at 64. I slept for 3 days in grief. Today I am civil l to all and kind but I don’t see them much. My father asked me to “ unify the family” on his death bed. I feel I must try. But when you are labeled the black sheep, the outcast, the scapegoat. How do you do it? I think the secret is my siblings love me… despite all of hey have said and done to please my mother, I see it in their eyes. My mother drew the line. I might erase it someday. Who knows? X
Wow, what a story!! But you cannot unite a family that cannot be united. Yes, it´s family but toxic stays toxic and it poisons YOU! A good way to survive a toxic family as the scapegoat is having friends, or as you say a “breakfast club”? What is that exactly? Do you have regularly breakfast together? Dont´know that as #EuroTrash 😉😁😂
There are MANY ways to experience a really bad childhood in this filthy rotten world, but WHAT YOU DESCRIBE (and those with similar experiences) is like ANOTHER CATEGORY if not “league”.
I’m in awe of your stamina and strenght, OR for not having KILLED those who treated you so callously.
Hi Contagious–I was the oldest, too. I feel like I was some hybrid of a scapegoat and a golden child, if that’s possible. I’ll have to talk to HG about all that. I’m happy you managed to triumph and apply yourself to such a demanding career as law. That shows tremendous grit and intelligence.
I’m a bit of a law nerd and I find it really interesting to follow all the civil and criminal court movements of our Donnie; you must really understand it on a fascinating level! Lacking adequate emotional care as a child can impact memory and concentration, so the fact that you applied yourself to the law–amazing. Also, it’s so sweet that you were the apple of your dad’s eye. I really like seeing that in you.
Awful either way, but a childs DEFENCELESSNESS is beyond compare, that’s for sure.
You have really NO chance to escape the put-downs. My only escape was hanging out with my friends as often as possible. Maybe that saved me from getting NPD myself?
The best thing you can do is be happy and love your life. This hurts them the most. When you ignore them, move on and be happy. Laugh at them. See their devaluation as stupid comments. Even tell them that. Stare at their forehead scrunch up your nose. Disgust. The one emotion they cannot stand is this. They want fear. You retaliate with disgust it confuses them.
They are disgusting vile human beings.
Gladly, I could build up a normal, happy life, Now, many years later as an adult and “best ager” 😉 I accept that my “father” has NPD and there´s NOTHING we can do about it. I see him as a mentally very sick old man.
I agree. I get the impression that they are crueller to children because they can gaslight them more into believing it is their own fault. An adult is more likely to have defence mechanisms and healthy boundaries.
The amount of damage they do to a child is terrible.
Narcissists are weak cowards who pick on those who are good, kind or unable to defend themselves. It is disgusting.
Also, it seems to me a child in the home would be less of an energy cost to the narc than a developed adult in terms of pursuit of the Prime Aims.