“I have gone no contact but the narcissist keeps on texting me.”That is not no contact.- The narcissist text messaged me (16%, 170 Votes)
- The narcissist telephoned me (11%, 115 Votes)
- The narcissist e-mailed me (10%, 106 Votes)
- The narcissist smeared me to others (9%, 91 Votes)
- The narcissist contacted me through a friend, colleague, family member (either mine or theirs) (7%, 72 Votes)
- The narcissist sent a message through social media (6%, 67 Votes)
- The narcissist drove past a location where I was (home/work/mall) (6%, 58 Votes)
- The narcissist approached me at my home (5%, 57 Votes)
- The narcissist stood watching me from a distance (4%, 46 Votes)
- The narcissist posted about me online and inferred it was directed at me (4%, 44 Votes)
- The narcissist approached me at my work (4%, 39 Votes)
- The narcissist approached me outdoors (in the street, on the way to my car) (4%, 38 Votes)
- The narcissist sent a gift (3%, 31 Votes)
- The narcissist returned property (3%, 29 Votes)
- The narcissist approached me at a social venue (bar, club, gym, pool etc) (3%, 28 Votes)
- The narcissist wrote a physical letter to me (2%, 25 Votes)
- The narcissist damaged my property (2%, 23 Votes)
- The narcissist posted about me online and referenced me directly (1%, 15 Votes)
Look at the type of hoover which topped the poll.
The narcissist text messaged me
No wonder you received a hoover, you did not impose no contact. You either failed to block the narcissist´s telephone number so he was able to text message you and/or you failed to change your number so that even if you blocked the narcissist, he or she could text you from a different number.
Block or better still change your number.
The second highest vote was
The narcissist telephoned me
The same point re the text message hoover applies here. If the number was withheld so it got through, do not answer. Do not answer any call where the number is withheld. There is no need to answer it. A withheld number can only mean it is a narcissist trying to contact you or it is a telemarketing narcissist trying to sell you a conservatory or asking if you have recently suffered an accident which was not your fault. Nothing good will ever come of answering a withheld number.
The third highest vote was
The narcissist e-mailed me
Block the email address or change yours.
Since I last posted in this thread, I ended up getting rid of more stuff. 9 months no contact (yay), although I did see a work related video of his and he seems to be doing just fine. Very sociopath-like in the sense that you’d never know how crazy and abusive he is by seeing him in his element at work.
I know that’s not “real” no contact, but seeing him doing okay gave me a push to get rid of the rest of the stuff I had. All I have left now is a few photos from our teen years from before he was an abusive dick. All the voicemails, the other photos, the gifts are all gone now. It took me a while to get to this point, but good riddance.
Well done on conducting the purge. Resist the urge to see what the narcissist is doing, you don’t need to know.
Hi LemonUp,
I’m so pleased for you! Nine months is a great achievement and I think everyone here knows how tough those months will have been for you.
When you start to feel better again, stronger, it’s easy to think that you can start to loosen things up a bit. A little look here, a chat about it there. Try to remember, you will still be recovering from this for a while yet. Stay strict, trust the process of NoContact, push out thoughts and questions about the narcissist and keep looking forward.
You’re in a great position now, the worst months are behind you, so adhere strictly to what is proven to work and this narcissist will eventually become a dim and distant memory.
No slacking!
Great to hear some good news LemonUp. I’m really glad you shared it.
Xx
Truth seeker- yeah, back on the wagon. I feel like seeing those videos on the one hand were a slap of reality and prompted me to get rid of my remaining mementos, on the other hand it was kind of triggering to actually see him action.
IDK if you remember back in Nov. I was trying to figure out what I was to him (possibly shelf IPPS), and I’ve always pegged him to be a lesser. Now I’m thinking maybe lan upper lesser? Those Amber Heard audios that came out of her berating Johnny Depp, but then acting all demure in court? He’s sort of like that. And because of the distance thing, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen him interacting with other people. But there he was, turning on the charm and acting all fine, not long after he berated me on the phone, including name calling, hung up on me, and then blocking me so I couldn’t respond. That sounds like a lesser thing to do, right? And yes, the first few months and even a little longer were brutal. No need to set myself back.
Very happy to hear of your progress Lemon Up.
NarcAngel, thank you! 🙂
You’re in the right place, Lemon Up! You got this! It might be wise to block him though and go no contact. Narcs have a way of turning back up when you least expect it. Several years ago I was a DLS too. Its not easy, but you got this!
Thank you, Leigh!
I think I was actually a shelf IPSS. Everything is blocked and deleted, and hopefully I can be strong and keep it going. 🤞
Hi Lemon Up,
A DLS is a type of shelf IPSS. It means that you’re kept a secret. You’re not part of the inner circle and you don’t normally meet anyone from the inner circle either. I assumed from your post that he was married and so he would have to keep you a secret.
I agree with all the ladies, get rid of everything. Every time you look at something it’ll remind you and bring you back to that place. If you peek and you see that he’s happy, that’ll work against you as well. It’ll start getting easier. One day you’ll even stop thinking about him. But, if one day you do slip up, don’t beat yourself up either. Just get right back up on that horse and start again. Your slip ups will even start to get further and further apart as well. You got this!
Leigh- we are in different states, and knew each other when we were younger, so I don’t think I’m a long distance empath, and he’s not married so I don’t think I’m a DLS. I thought we were “friends”, but I settled on shelf IPSS since I’m doubtful that we can be “friends” in this type of dynamic.
And you’re right about looking. I also don’t want to start wondering who people are who are commenting on his stuff. I’m guessing I’ve been one of many, but I’m not there so who knows, and looking just leads to torturous thoughts.
Hi, LemonUp–
I could be wrong but I don’t think he has to be married for you to be a DLS. There are many reasons you might be a secret, marriage being only one possibility.
Oh! I apologize, Lemon Up. I misunderstood your post.
I want to warn you though. Be careful because sometimes they pop back up. I had mine blocked on my cell phone but since we were former co-workers, he knew where I worked and had my work phone number. He called, he had his sister call, he left a present tied to my car door handle and he sent flowers. He was let go in 2021 and it had been over since 2019 and he still did all those things. I’m just telling you because I want you to be prepared. They’re like roaches and they come out of the woodwork when you least expect it.
Allison- just reread an old article, and oh my gosh, you are right! DLS doesn’t have to be because the person is married. The plot thickens, haha..
Allison- I’ll have to read up on DLS, thank you!
Leigh- thank you for the warning. And I believe it. Can you believe I was no contact for a year before, and I caved when he sent me an email through a new email address? It took me 5 weeks before I caved, but I did cave. Kicking myself now. I would have had years under my belt by now. You are right, like roaches, and when you least expect it. :/
Don’t beat yourself up too much, Lemon Up. Just like with any addictions, there’s a possibility of a slip up. You’ve got this now!
Good evening H.G.
YouTube has just recommended- Understanding Narcissism . I took a quick peek and saw that some of her videos has headings with your terminologies such as Future faking, No contact.Somatic and cerebral narcissists and more. I didn’t want to give her the view count so did not listen to them but thought I’d mention her to you.
Are the mentioned terminologies ones you created or were they existing?
Hello CSW those are not terms which I created.
Thank you for confirming HG. I was at the ready to give her a telling off for stealing your work. I’ll just click the ‘don’t recommend’ button instead.
Sound choice.
“You miss being left on the shelf, you miss being made to feel second best, you miss never knowing if you will be contacted or not, you miss the agony of wondering if he is with his wife, you miss feeling upset because the promised text never arrived, you miss getting angry because he insulted you again, you miss the frustration as he failed to text you yet you knew he was at home watching the game because his Facebook post said as such?”
Excellent reality check. I’ve had a couple of bad days like this (6 weeks out and “missing” him), and the pull to snoop his social media is strong. Usually when I snoop, I end up playing the blocking/ unblocking game with myself. So today I deleted him as a contact all together. Next step will be to get rid of the photos, but not quite there yet..
Hello, LemonUp! Please continue to resist the urge to snoop. The deletion was needed. If you haven’t, check out “No Contact Mistakes: Item Retention” on his channel. Actually, I’ve saved the No Contact playlist to my library for easy access in moments of weakness: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLMQVuOn9DvTiPWqtm31EBeH8XhdGix5bE&si=h7b3LbCexjjLGt0h.
I had trouble with photos and mementos, too. I can’t tell you how much lighter things got when I cleared that stuff out. You’ll get stronger if you keep it up.
I’ll check it out Allison, thank you!
I ended up deleting our whole text thread (thousands of messages), and I blocked and deleted him as a contact all together. Also, I went through my photos and videos and got rid of about 95% of them. Hopefully some day I’ll be strong enough to get rid of all of it.
His emails are blocked too, as is his FB profile. But I can easily still look when I’m not signed in and see things that he posts publicly, so I’m resisting the urge to do that. I’ve done so once since the brutal discard (or brutal corrective devaluation and shelving, as Truth Seeker suggested), and it made me feel awful since he seems to be doing just fine, so I’m trying hard not to look again. Why is it so freakin’ tempting though, uggh.
Well done Allison. You’re doing really really well. I know photos and text messages are particularly tough to get rid of. Reclaim your own space. You don’t want to be prompted by a Facebook memory popping up on a bad day. A friend of mine said he felt ‘safer’ when all the texts, emails and photos were gone. No unwelcome prompts, no temptation to look or reminisce. Painful to do at the time, but worth it for the peace of mind afterwards.
Xx
Thanks for the encouragement, Truthseeker. My only problem now is I just found a photo I took when I met one of the Freedom Riders from the civil rights movement. Bastard is smack dab in the middle of that one! Gotta do some Photoshop.
Hi Allison,
Well of course he was in the middle of the photograph. Where else would he be?!
Xx
Agreed, Allison. Getting rid of the stuff helps. Especially the text messages. At least for me.
Right, Dani. “Delete” is powerful stuff! Those text messages will get you going down Memory Lane and itching to argue back. And everything in my apartment now is something I bought by myself, for myself. I never thought to get a rowing machine when he was around. But I’ve got one now and I love it. Leaving him and the stuff behind opened up so much mental space. TRX home kit next!
Allison, maybe you can photoshop a horse’s a** into the photo? 😀
I’ve been thinking about it, and it’s true, anything that’s a reminder makes it worse. I’m a GenXer, and a friend of mine and I were talking about how much harder it can be now, between our phones and social media, when trying to end things. You have to work that much harder and be really diligent to not trigger yourself.
Aside from my 1st boyfriend (which was a bad breakup and took me a long time to get over), back in the day, if something was over, you’d put letters away or get rid of them altogether, communication would cease, and you’d move on. Unless you had someone in common who would tell you something, or you communicated with the person again directly, you didn’t know what the person was doing or not doing. There’s something weird and unnatural (to me) about having social media that you can snoop, but it’s also like driving by an car accident where you are tempted to sneak peeks, even though it would be in your best interest to just keep moving and not look. And this phone stress can be a nightmare in and of itself (the no responses and shelving crap, blocking/ unblocking)..
LemonUp
Remember that all you see on their social media is not necessarily true. What is posted can be a manipulation only to evoke a certain type of response or emotion. In that sense there really is no point looking as you won’t have an accurate gauge of what is really going on anyway. It only causes your emotional thinking to skyrocket to no real end.
NarcAngel-
So true. And he’s a really good image crafter, the artsy-fartsy type, so unless you know him firsthand, it’s hard to tell how mean & crazy he really is. And you are right, I’d be triggering myself and my ET would soar based on the bs he spins, and not reality.
Hi, LemonUp–
“Allison, maybe you can photoshop a horse’s a** into the photo?”
This really made me laugh. There truly is a resemblance.
I’m in your generation as well. We were feral. If you called my house and I didn’t answer back then, oh well. The communication environment these days is really narcissistic. It gives me lots of practice in applying HG’s knowledge.
Hey lemonup.
For me, this is one of the best things about NC you learn to use your phone again how you used to pre any narcs. Just to do the things you want to eg read HGs blog etc and speak to people when you see them not hooked on that fake dopamine hit of your phone ringing with a message or a social media ting from a narc. Because all my empath friends and normals, (though I have few friends in the normal category) just text intermitantly.
I’m fortunate I never liked social media anyway, even pre narcs. And it’s quite natural to me to not think or wonder what people are up to and I just enjoy hearing them tell me about what they’ve been up to when I see them in person. I found social media just information overload.
Since I now barely use my phone it makes me really aware of how controlled many people are by their phones. So if you can’t change something lemon, try and change the way you think about it. It helps release any cognitive dissonance that you have. E.g going NC you can feel like it’s a battle to not message him which makes it more difficult. Or you can celebrate and feel good about the fact you no longer have to. When you turn it on its head and add positivity to it, the whole process becomes soooo much easier. You’re not giving anything up at all, you’re starting a new and better life. A life without the turmoil the push/pull etc. I think my poor memory helps me too.
Back to phones and I’ve noticed so many behaviours particularly in the younger generation but also any generation. We’re all ‘thinking’ for ourselves less and less. A couple of small examples. I’ve noticed how when at a pelican crossing, if the red man is on display but there are absolutely no cars in sight, younger people and other phone hooked people tend to wait to cross the road which seems stupid to me. The road is clear , I’m trying to get somwhere or other, so I cross even when the red man shows (as long as no cars coming) And that’s how everyone used to behave unless they had small children with them . Now almost all people are failing to even make such a decision for themselves. They wait however long until the green man comes. Even if they see me crossing and it’s safe, most will still stay put. It’s bizarre in my head.
I’ve also started learning a new language, my first class was largely with people my age or older and we would all ask lots of questions. My second class is with people all in their early to mid 20s and they don’t question anything at all. They just receive information and do as they’re told. Seeing this behaviour makes me more and more determined to limit my use of technology wherever I can so that I can still think for myself. Sorry I went off on a bit of a tangent lemon.
The main point is, to celebrate all the good things which have been borne out of no contact and all the lessons you’ve learned along the way. Don’t focus on the negative aspects. If you find yourself with a negative thought, think how you can turn it into a positive one. If there’s a negative, there is ALWAYS a way to turn it on its head. You’re not giving up anything only a miserable life where you were essentially suffering from an addiction. Huge hugs to you. You’ll get there xxx
Same with social media, people say but i want to stay in touch with my friends. I don’t feel left out of anything at all due to not being on SM. If there’s something I want to do, I’ll seek it out in other ways and it doesn’t impact on friendships, any decent friends are not in the slightest bit bothered I’m not on there. Anyone who questions it, we’ll I question them.
Alexissmith2016-
Great thoughts, and very helpful.
I’ve been thinking about the phone thing, and it really became this monster since being back in contact with this guy. A “high” when he was on good behavior, or like psychological warfare when he wasn’t. And there was a lot of shelving during these years, and it’s bothered me and got under my skin, and has affected me emotionally, psychologically and physically. So I’m going to take the opportunity to get back in shape, and a focus on a few other things.
I hear you about Social Media, and don’t like it generally speaking, either. I have a Facebook account and check in periodically with some friends and family who don’t live nearby, but other than that it’s not for me. And I’ve been holding strong and resisting looking to see what this guy is up to. The first month of no contact wasn’t bad, the second month has been a little harder. But the past few days, the fog is back to clearing again.
You guys talking me through it helps a lot. I really appreciate it.
“So I’m going to take the opportunity to get back in shape, and a focus on a few other things.”
Good on you, LemonUp! I remember HG talking about this in relation to the life of the empath post escape, getting in shape and all. I’m finding the exercise, sleep, and nutrition to not only help my muscles but they’re also wonderful for managing stress. After escape I have lots more time on my hands–imagine that!–and daily exercise is of great benefit to creating order, using my hours well, and stimulating my mind. I’m even looking around for a local rowing club and I’m excited about meeting new women there–friends and perhaps more. Good, strenuous, physical activity is an empath’s secret weapon. Glad you’re doing these things.
Lemon
Rooting for you.
Thank you. I appreciate that. At times, this is brutal. :/
Hi Lemon up, six weeks is great! Don’t worry, it won’t always feel like such a battle. I know that really worried my friend. He worried that he would always feel the same, that it would be a continuous battle to remain in no contact. I assured him it wouldn’t be, that he must trust the process and as his understanding improved and his ET fell, things would feel like less of a battle. I also said that it would be really tough at the beginning. No point lying about that, at the start, you’re right, for some of us that internal battle is brutal.
I can confidently assure you though, trust the process, take your HG video medicine daily at least twice a day and you WILL start to feel more in control of yourself again. Things WILL get easier. My friend is now narc free and back to himself, enjoying life, but it took time. It does take commitment and self discipline and some days are incredibly tough, stay busy on those days. Have a good sort out, clear your space, rearrange your furniture, freshen it up with some new bits and bobs that you really love, cushions, you can never have too many! Little things that you do just for you make a real difference. Once you are done sorting, sort again if you have to, just keep busy and your mind will wander to the narc less often.
It won’t always be brutal, find something that works for you to distract yourself and keep going. One day at a time.
6 weeks though, six weeks is a real accomplishment! 😉
Xx
I love your practical encouragement, TS!
Thank you Allison.
I had a horrible time with the final battle. I retreated into my own mind and my own memories. Self distraction would have been a far less painful and more productive approach.
Xx
LemonUp,
This might be useful for you to listen to.
Xx
https://youtu.be/Y-pk-3r548M?si=dTLD71p-TDXeI1SB