The Message Hook
The message – whether in text form or through some other electronic medium – is a tempting and ultimately manipulative tool of ours. During our seduction of you we use it to brilliant effect, peppering your day with these short form billets-doux in order to draw you close to us. The glowing compliments sent through letters glowing on your screen. The tingle, the excitement and the smile to oneself on receipt of this message. They are like so many little gifts, each one waiting to be opened by you and the delight spreading across you face as you read the latest missive that contains our rapturous love for you. Each time one arrives you wonder what it might read and you are never disappointed as we sprinkle our fairy dust over you from afar through the electronic devices we are both connected to. You feel wonderful, savouring that rush of appreciation. It is fantastic and memorable and you never delete them, storing up all these heartfelt tributes and declarations. We know you will keep them and most of all when the misery descends you will sit scrolling back through these text exchanges, evidence of a happier time, remnants of the golden period.
As time advances you begin to expect these messages. It is entirely understandable. You get used to waking and seeing a message waiting for you, more welcome than a cup of tea or coffee being brought to your bed. You anticipate the rush and we do not let you down. The content of the message feeding your desire for love, affection and passion.
This repeated sending of messages is designed to condition you. We want you to equate the arrival of the message with pleasure, with affection and with love. We ingrain it into your routine. The first thing you do on awakening is to reach for your phone on your nightstand and look for our message. This is done to make you frequently check your ‘phone during the day to see if there is a message from you. You experience phantom vibrations when you ‘phone is on silent and in your bag or pocket. You pluck it out and check and feel dismayed as there is no message. Perhaps there is but it is not from us and you being to feel anxious as you await your daily hit. Eventually it arrives and you feel the surge of delight coursing through you as we deliver. Little by little, in accordance with our methodology of salami-slicing you start to focus on the relevant device, waiting for the ping, the buzz and/or the flash of light. You keep glancing at your ‘phone, mind unable to focus on the task in hand. Once that message arrives, you open it, devouring it like a starving man given food after two weeks adrift at sea. You spend more time responding to the messages, checking the ‘phone and cultivating ways to keep the flow of messages going so that it becomes the matter which you focus on the most during the course of your day. You wait, watch, check and keep back and forth beginning to will the ‘phone to buzz and provide that message.
Soon you start to prompt them, messaging us first when you have not heard from us. Once you waited a morning, then an hour and now it has become the first thing you do when you wake up. You see no message from us so you message us. We reply at once and the relief washes over you in an awesome way. But then the reply times elongate and that short space becomes a longer pause, a growing hiatus and this prompts you to message again. Oh we know the messages you will send to try to pretend you are not anxious because you have not heard from us.
“I’m not sure if my message reached you, my ‘phone has been playing up.”
“I am struggling for signal here. Did you get my message?”
“Just wanted to check my message reached you.”
“Don’t worry about responding straight away, I know you are busy.”
“Just wanted to make sure everything is alright, no rush, answer when you can.”
The desperation seeps through the ‘phone, the increasing anguish and anxiety tangible and then we release you from your worries and reply which prompts a flurry or replies, your gratitude evident even though you may not write as such. How the fuel flows and it is all deliberate. We have actively structured our approach so that you become conditioned to act this way. The ‘phone becomes the barometer of your day. Early message received? You can relax and enjoy the next two hours until you start wondering where the next one is. Such power is wielded by us through the simple act of sending you a message and we haven’t even started on using it to devalue you yet.
So often you rely on receiving the message but the irony is, you rarely actually get the message.
10 thoughts on “The Message Hook”
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If I could contact you directly I would have so many questions. The little episodes you write are so informative and I have learned so much in such a short space of time after researching every where else for four years in desperation for understanding of what has happened to me as a NIPS to a malignant Narcissist (previously IPS). Thank you so much for all you write. What I read is terribly shocking as now I see it so clearly from the narcissist, I’m almost angry at myself for not recognising the signs. Signs that almost had me taking my own life. I’m currently reading Revenge, and what a read it is. Thank you again. You have certainly saved my sanity. Sarah
You are welcome.
If you require my direct involvement with regard to your circumstances please use this https://narcsite.com/private-audio-consultation/
It really is addictive. When I’ve found myself reaching out to test the waters if there hasn’t been a response to me it feels so sick. When I’ve passed out and I miss a message because I haven’t slept from watching the phone all night it’s so degrading. All this loneliness through communication that leads nowhere. Then the momentary elation when–yes!–that notification. Thank God. I’m not hated. Am I? Maybe things are okay? If so, what, exactly, are the things that are okay? Be cool. Don’t be an idiot. Ashes.
Also, I just so happened to watch Ops HQ: The Narcissist’s Phone, so this article is a great companion piece. Makes me long for the days of the carrier pigeon. Devaluation might be messier, though.
One night last week, I was watching TV and there wasn’t much on. I flicked through the channels and then stopped to watch a movie called ‘Bad Moms 2’ (also known as ‘A Bad Moms Christmas’).
Don’t ask me why. There wasn’t much to choose from. It’s not a movie I’d normally be interested in. Anyway, I watched it.
For the record, it’s one of the most ridiculous, misleading Christmas movies I have ever watched.
At the end of the movie, all the mothers and daughters in the story miraculously reconcile and somehow realise that they actually do love each other and care about each other after the mothers do some extremely narcissistic things to their daughters.
One scene in particular made me see clearly how decades of formulaic Hollywood films have warped people’s minds. That is, the formulaic and lazy character arc in a plot where selfish and uncaring characters are ‘forgiven’ by their ‘victims’ in say, the last ten minutes of the film.
The ‘forgiveness’ is given by a victim after the victim is made to see that the selfish and uncaring narcissist character actually does love the victim very much but needs to be loved themselves in order to show the love which is lying dormant in them. Once the victim tells the narcissist how much the victim cares about him/her, the narcissist miraculously changes their ways and they all live happily ever after.
Hollywood movies have been spewing out this BS for decades. I think this has contributed to the increase in narcissism and the mistaken beliefs of victims in society in general.
Mothers had better not “need” anything to show love, because at birth, kids are completely unable to give anything much beyond screaming fits and wet diapers.
Yes, adult children might want to show some appreciation once they’ve passed adolescence, during which it’s traditional to give your parents Hell, but if the mothers are full-on narcs, by that time the kids have suffered for years–if not from active abuse, then from emotional deprivation. They are not owed love, and the kids shouldn’t feel guilty if they can’t feel any.
Hi, Viol.–
I appreciated your comment. I struggled with guilt for years for hating my matrinarc. In my case there was pressure from my religion and my cultural group. Loving her would have meant I loved a monster who harmed me, but if I couldn’t love her I was an awful person (culture) and I was likely going to hell (religion). A real double bind situation. I think it’s just this type of thing that trained me to crave the narcissist, a shaping of my neurobiology that I have to fight to remodel.
Your point is well taken that they’re not owed love.
“… at birth, kids are completely unable to give anything much beyond screaming fits and wet diapers.”
I agree. Babies and small children are completely dependent on caregivers. This dependence is an hourly need, day after day. As a child grows, the need changes, however, the dependence remains for many years.
“Mothers had better not “need” anything to show love…”
So, if I understand you correctly, mothers must not, under any circumstances, “need” anything in order to show ‘love’.
And if they do need anything – such as, say, support, compassion, empathy, assistance, instruction, time, money – then they are somehow to blame; they are deficient in some way.
Am I understanding you correctly?
WN, I think Viol. was referring to it being best that a mother not need to rely on a child to meet her own emotional requirements. A child–especially an infant–is a bundle of needs and for an adult to expect the child to take care of them in any way is inappropriate. This is as it should be; the child didn’t ask to be here and it is born helpless. The adults should take care of themselves and their offspring without expecting a growing child to fulfill their needs.
Hey Allison:
I agree. My soon to be ex mother made him dependent on her. She literally bore him to be her companion as she never had a friends, job, skill etc… He was a victim of extreme emotional incest. She was an obsessive “ mother” when young … in that anything that went wrong at school was an opportunity to pull him out and not educate him and isolate him. She insinuated into his life in that anything he liked, she liked and vice versa and if he didn’t, she would give the silent treatment and make him feel guilty. It’s disgusting what she did and I could go on. She clipped his wings, made him mentally unhealthy. I am a good mother so mother to mother, I let her know what I thought of her constant manipulations. Selfish bitch( accurate term). No love at all for the child. I said it earlier but “ mothering” comes in many forms. Both men and women can mother. It can be to a parent. I have many friends who had no children who find themselves now taking care of elderly parents and it is demanding. It can be friends, it can be clients, it can ( but in my opinion BEWARE) an IPSS. It can be pets. My son pointed to my Lulu and Inspector Clouseaus’ puppies and said “ there are your grandchildren.” He was joking but I keep tabs, see them, got them the best homes… babysit lol. I have even known gardeners to “ baby” their plants. To me a true “ mother” nurtures selflessly. They give, they support, the love some other thing so it grows up healthy and happy in this world. It comes in so many forms. I guess there are many reasons but although personally a true believer in God, I don’t see personally religion as a reason to have a child. And I also don’t get although no doubt many reasons why a woman would put an innocent child on this planet if they didn’t want to be a mother to a human child. It’s the same with animals, pets, dogs. Why adopt a dog if you only are going to abuse or mistreat it? Personally …I think people who abuse children and animals due to their innocence are the worst filth of human kind and would love to ship them out to some other planet where they can abuse equals who are equally abusive. But just because you didn’t have a human baby doesn’t mean you aren’t a mother. And it doesn’t matter the sex. We need mothering. We need as many mothers as we can get… we need compassion, support, patience, acceptance, giving, love and nurture on this planet, Mother Earth. … there’s enough greed, selfishness, apathy, indulgence and anger and ruthlessness here. Swords up empaths, a balance is needed and yes we need good mothers to human babies but we need good mothers for planet Earth too. I planted a monarch butterfly, bee, garden. I had to get permission from my HOA and it took time but my slope is lovely. I nurture it. It’s the littlest things we do that add up and count! Happy New Year to you and to all and HG!
One last thing… my mother is not a narc but she was a WASP. She was proper, disciplined, likes being wealthy, good at saying no and rules, good at withholding complements as indulgent in her mind, critical, not warm and fuzzy but definitely there for you … always… always… stable…and the best advice ever, the most practical person ever, never cruel, always appropriate ie detailed hand written thank you cards for any gift bestowed. Plays golf, belongs to country clubs. Dresses like Jackie O, from New England. Can be a bit cold. My father was a true blue mother… a total breast….kind, nonjudgmental, giving, selfless, accepting, supportive, loving, attentive etc… he was more of a mother than my mom. Sex is irrelevant. Motherhood comes in all forms. Like I said above.