Empathy and Irony
Many people state that my kind and me lack empathy. I don’t like that attitude. First of all it amounts to a criticism and I am not to be criticised. Secondly, empathy is regarded by some as the ability of blurring the line between self and other. The handy dose of empathy pictured above underlines this. In fact I am amongst the best at blurring the line between self and other. I am a champion at it. One of my killer lines of seduction is to declare
“I don’t where you end and where I begin we are merged into one.”
If that is not a blurring of the line between self and other I do not know what is. I repeatedly explain that I see people as extensions of myself, they are objects that become subsumed within what I am as I swallow up their identity and use their traits as my own. Blurring of lines? I would argue that that is an obliteration. By that definition I am absolutely oozing empathy aren’t I?
The third reason that I do not like the suggestion that I lack empathy is that empathy is the ability to understand the feelings of others. Again, I understand the feelings of others to a high degree. How can I manipulate those feelings if I do not understand them? Some of our kind instinctively behave in a manner which causes manipulation. They do not have much thought behind the process but they act in this fashion because it is all they know. It is all they have been conditioned and programmed to do. They do not need to consider what they are doing because it just happens and then the manipulation unfolds. Those of us at the greater end of the scale of narcissists do consider what to do in terms of our manipulation. We are always plotting and scheming as we reflect on the best way of manipulating you to do what we want and provide us with our precious fuel. I sit and consider the most effective ways of wielding my devilish toolkit in order to provoke and engender the most rewarding emotional reactions from you. I work through the schemes and machinations as I dream up new ways of provoking you. I analyse your life, what you do and what you say and then work out how I can then use that material to make you react.If I did not understand how certain things would make you feel, how can I know how best to manipulate you? I understand all about your feelings because I watch you and I observe and I remember. I have done this many times to your type and therefore I have built up an acquired knowledge of the ways that people such as you will react. I sit and consider what I can do to make you hurt, make you cry and make you frustrated. I know you so well I know exactly which buttons to press. I know which emotions to coax from you and because I understand this I know precisely what to do to achieve this. For some of you a cold front of silent treatment will make you pour forth that fuel as you frantically call and cry, worried as to why we have stopped speaking to you. With others a prolonged period of triangulation brings out the emotional response required because you always compete with someone or something that you perceive as a threat.
The fact you show your feelings so readily is joyously received by us. You provide us with a manual from which we can learn. We can mimic your emotions so our fakery continues to draw you in, make you feel sorry for us and have you focussed on us. Your exhibitionism in this regard allows us to understand which emotions run deepest in you and also the ways in which these emotions can be brought to the surface. We have to know how you feel so we can then influence how you will feel. I understand your emotions. That is demonstrating empathy is it not? Would you now say that we lack empathy?
You cannot say that we do not care about your feelings either. We care about them because we need those feelings because they provide us with fuel. We need to know that you will feel and show those feelings to us. We care very much about your feelings as without them we would be denied our fuel and that is fatal to us. We care about your manifestation of those feelings and that they are directed towards us. What we do not care about is their effect on you. That is of no interest to us because it serves no purpose to us. If you are left anxious, unable to eat or sleep then all we care about is that your anxiety is shown to us. The impact on your health and well being is of no concern to us because that does not provide us with fuel. It is not our role because of the way we are to make you feel better (unless of course that is required in order to obtain further fuel) but it is our role to make you feel so you give us fuel. We have no interest in the day-to-day or long-term effects of how you are feeling just so long as you can keep showing your emotions to us and giving us fuel. We have nothing to gain in alleviating your sadness. We have no interest in offering solutions to make your pain and misery go away. That is the brutal truth.
Don’t say however we do not understand how you feel. We most certainly do because we have to know this in order to exploit your feelings further. Indeed we often make you feel that way on purpose so we know exactly how you feel. We need to know the best way to pull on your strings and this means understanding how you will feel and react. So that is empathy for you indeed. Who would have thought it? Empathy from the devil. How ironic.
2 thoughts on “Empathy and Irony”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
Hi, Beth–
By definition empathy is the ability to identify with or understand the emotions of others. There is emotional empathy and there is cognitive empathy. Both are real things. A person doesn’t have to feel love to understand and identify the emotions of another. In fact, without emotion cognitive empathy can be more useful because you don’t get bogged down. If love were required for empathy to exist human activity would be ground to a halt.
For example, a good homicide detective requires cognitive empathy to be effective in profiling behavior, and his primary function is to successfully deal with a killer. Secondarily and incidentally it may be to have emotional empathy for the victims, but the detective would function better in his task of identifying or stopping the killer through relying on the clarity engendered by emotional distance.
In other positions such as nursing or “caring professions” I suppose having an empath would be preferable, but it would still be most helpful if that nurse didn’t allow emotional empathy to get out of control. That person needs to be able to function, deal with death, blood, and pain without getting swept away or having the emotional empathy eroded.
Lasting change starts with self-awareness and the willingness to confront one’s own insecurities and vulnerabilities. No one can force another to grow—each person must choose healing for themselves. While it may appear impressive to understand and manipulate others’ emotions, true empathy is not about control, but about compassion and care for the effect of those emotions, not just their expression.
I’ve come to understand that many never reach the knowledge of the truth because facing the inner child wounds—the root of so much dysfunction—requires more courage than most are willing to muster. It takes strength to look in the mirror, admit brokenness, and begin the painful work of rebuilding.
You speak of empathy as a tool of control. But empathy without love is just data. Understanding someone’s emotions for the sole purpose of using them is not empathy—it’s exploitation. It reflects a wounded soul, one who would rather inflict pain than feel it.
Only God has absolute control over life. Judgment doesn’t escape anyone, no matter how calculated or composed. One day, every hidden motive will be laid bare before the One who sees it all. Until then, I will continue to heal, grow, and walk in the truth. Because real power isn’t found in manipulating others—it’s in mastering oneself.
“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” – John 8:32 (NIV)