Poll : What Was Your ‘Full Horror Moment’ ?
It is often the case, although not always, that there is a Full Horror Moment that occurs when a victim makes a shocking discovery about the narcissist that they are entangled with. More often than not this arises out of the romantic dynamic, but it will also include familial and less so social or work dynamics.
The Full Horror Moment is when you make a discovery about that person which, in essence, tears apart your world. It occurs when you are not physically present with the individual. It might be you make the discovery following escape or dis-engagement, but more often it occurs whilst the relationship is ongoing. You may have had your suspicions and decide to check the ‘phone of this individual only to find that your seemingly heterosexual partner has been subscribing to gay dating sites, arranging hook-ups with same sex partners and engaging in a way of life unbeknownst to you. Alternatively, it might be an instance where you open some post mistakenly only to find that your husband has a huge credit card bill and this puts you on to a trail of other financial car crashes.
Whilst no less horrific, the FHM is not where you have been punched or raped by the narcissist, kicked out of the home by them or such similar interaction. The FHM covers those discoveries which are made without the narcissist being physically present which have you feeling sick, needing to sit down and sending you reeling. There may have been several items which came together, hence you may choose up to five options.
Do expand in the comments on the circumstances of your FHM, how you made the discovery, was it accidental or did you have suspicions? Did you think the problem was something else only to be totally wrong-footed?
Thank you for participating.
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It was in black and white. The words printed in front of me…two different partners in the last 12 months. I dropped to my knees, having printed the paperwork at my Mom’s house: We were staying in a travel trailer next door to my parents house. Not the first time we’d been homeless in this same driveway before my grandmother’s passing, and sadly not the last time travel trailer life would be my reality. I could hear my Mom walking down the hall asking me if I was ok before entering the room. I clasped the paperwork to my chest and picked myself up quick before she entered. I brushed everything off as if the house hunting had come to a huge hurdle to hide what was evident on my face.
A couple days prior he had kicked over a BBQ full of hot coals onto me and the surrounding area. He told me that he is tired of being accused of things he didn’t do, and that if I ever accuse him again I would need to bring evidence and a tribal counsel. I threw up for 2 weeks, trying to eat saltine crackers and water. 112 pounds naked. I sank into myself. Shattered.
3rdEmp,
I am so sorry that was your experience. That was heart wrenching to read.
I assume that you have escaped?
It’s good that you’ve found your way to the blog. I hope accessing HG’s work has made some sense of your experience, and perhaps brought you a bit of solace.
Hello WhoCares!
I have not…yet I am have been wary of communicating anything to anyone. I am starting to find my way. Thank you for your understanding. Thank you for your input regarding the custody battle video. I truly appreciate the help. I hope you have a good night
Hi 3rdEmp,
“I am starting to find my way.”
You’re in one the best places to do that. I really found HG’s blog to be a haven when I first arrived and started reading and later, participating.
Sorry 3rdEmp – I clicked send too fast.
I also wanted to say thanks for mentioning the custody battle video. It’s good to get feedback that you found it helpful. HG’s work made a huge difference in my life and I am happy to share how it did so.
Best wishes to you as you navigate through your situation. And it goes without saying that if you need to share/vent with like minded individuals, you will find support here on the blog.
For the spiritually inclined…
I was the Narcissist
For the past four years I have been going through what is called a spiritual awakening. The first thing that happened is that old traumas were revealed to me. It was as I had forgotten what a horrible childhood I had-how my mother was cruel to me or how the other parent who is dead 25 years used to expose themselves to me and call me evil as well as cry over me and give me silent treatments. It was really horrible the way they went though. Karma came for them with a vengeance.
Then the following year I had a NDE with Long Covid. Some days I couldn’t even remember my name the brain fog was so bad. I think that sealed the deal for what was to come next. I have since found out (as you would during this) that I have bad karma and a soul with a deep abandonment wound that signed soul contracts with every family member I had(and not just them) to betray me. They are all gone from my life now. I have no contact with any of them. I have to do energy healing every day to erase this and I think it is working.
I was absolutely horrified at first of course but childhood trauma is usually an ‘inside job’ as unfortunately trauma is part of the soul’s journey. The only good thing to come out of it is that it got me out of ‘victim consciousness’ which is supposed to affect your ability to manifest and I have started manifesting. Last year one of the things I wanted to manifest was getting out more so I used to visualise myself walking towards this hotel. It came true last week as I was able to go in there and have lunch as part of a women’s group I joined.
I am also my mother’s carer now and I don’t feel bad about what she did to me anymore! The only thing I don’t like is thinking that I was a badass in previous incarnations.
When a very good friend of mine would not relent that my then husband didn’t stop using heroin on his own. She kept saying, “You KNOW he couldn’t have done that, you KNOW he didn’t do that, you KNOW there’s not a chance he did that” until it sunk in. It was the beginning of the last year, I never saw him the same again after that day. It was a year long super nova, which probably isn’t possible but he’d crossed the line, I was done unless I saw him decide to make changes. He left a year after that incident. I knew nothing of narcissism at that point but I knew I’d had enough, of the womanizing, the lies, the money issues, the lack of a real marriage etc. It was a long year but my stress level was surprisingly low throughout it, I’d released him and the situation and was simply watching and waiting to see where he would take it, what his priorities were. He wasn’t in control of me anymore, he wasn’t getting much fuel anymore, so once the residual benefits dried up, he was gone.
It wasn’t one of the options so I picked “Realized there were multiple infidelities”, which were, sadly, not FHM’s even when proof was discovered multiple times, I couldn’t bring myself to face it. It was an example of lying to myself to keep the relationship.
Well… mine was early on at my home. I had a party and he was leaving the next day as we were dating. I woke up to a jealous drunken rage ( he spoke in heavy cockney, his face expressions were different like an alter ego) and he punched me in the face giving me two black eyes and a swollen cheek bone. He threw me on the floor and I will never forget his words, “ you are better than me.” He took off on a plane.
Sadly I took him back after he begged, promised change etc…. I required the following and he did it. He quit drinking and took months of DV courses where he sent me his notes. He never drank again for 10 years and no more physical abuse occurred but the abuse remained in a different form. Long stretches in between. Sometimes a whole year without abuse. But he remained jealous, verbal abuse, harangued me and smeared me. He never cheated. But I saw his narcissism with others too (work, friends, family) and the silent treatments. He had a psychotic break last year and he was diagnosed BPD and ADHD. He is always the victim but a LMR. I say the FHM was the one violent act but truth be told it was the sum of the parts. It was loving the “good man” but hating the broken child. Jekyll and Hyde in one. Our marriage was the French Revolution. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Realizing nothing will change is the FHM and the catalyst to changing yourself. Divorced. No regrets.
Contagious, “the sum of the parts”, I do think this is true.
We’d not had any drug or alcohol use in our home, in our relationship, 25 years. Then suddenly I’m made aware of his heroin use, on top of the other abuses I’d experienced with him. I’d been attributing his bizarre new behaviors to his illness, but the doctor kept saying no, the illness wouldn’t cause these changes. When he finally told me he’d been “self-medicating” I was absolutely shocked. He also told me he’d quit. That’s where my friend stepped in, she could see the delusion I was under and she knew she needed to snap me out of it. I think my experience with an alcoholic father was part of why that particular abuse on our family, the heroin use, was not going to fly with me, once I saw it clearly. My children lived with it for a few years, and then went through that last year with us, him going to treatment and relapsing a couple of times and finally leaving. But I’m glad it wasn’t their entire childhoods at least.
I do think our past builds us into the empath we become. I believe my mother’s physical abuse caused me to avoid any man who potentially could be physically violent,I would run if I saw that potential. Toward the end, my ex lifted his first to me once, I stood there with it in my face and looked him in the eyes, dating him to do it. He put it down and took off. He knew it wouldn’t have helped his cause.
I’m sad for all of us who’ve had a FHM, no one should have had to experience that.
I can’t say I had a “full horror moment.” The narcissist I was involved with didn’t hide what an absolute donkey dick he was from me. I was an intimate partner secondly source. I will say that it was many,many things that he said and did that lead to me saying enough is enough. There was one particular night that he did something and I was like “okay, that’s enough. I’m out.” It wasn’t anything horrific. Just the straw that broke the camels back. He looked at me with such distain and hatred. I thought to myself what the hell I’m I doing?
It’s not painful, Rebecca. No, I never connected with my siblings. The point could be made that I never truly connect with anyone.
Thank you, Allison for your reply. Xx I’m relieved my question didn’t cause you pain. I’m sorry you didn’t feel a connection to your siblings, or anyone else. Xx
It’s nice to see you on the blog again. I hope you’re doing well. Xx
Thank you for your concern. I’ve been under a mound of statistics homework lately.
I’ve found that just accepting what my father is, and applying HG’s work to my understanding have helped immensely.
Hi Allison,
I’m glad you’re doing better and hope your studies are going well for you too.
It’s nice to see you again. Xx
😔
I feel that way also Allison, never truly connecting. I have connections to my children and one or two friends possibly, but those are ones I choose to tell myself I’m connected to, I don’t feel it.
I read a comment elsewhere that you’d written, about your mother, I experienced something similar and I think it affected this aspect of me in a way I cannot, don’t wish, to change.
I’ve enjoyed your comments a lot. Glad to see you back.
My FHM with LMRSNarc from work was when he told me he didn’t believe in God..After all his stories about going to church as a child and adult. How he played Jesus in the church plays, the amount of church retreats he went to, the many deeply religious Christian tatoos he has up and down his right arm….and then he told me, he didn’t believe on God.
I was shocked! I was confused and then I realized he was as fake as my mother was fake. It crashed me to discover I was correct in my suspicions of him not telling me everything, that something was off about him…and it turns out he was fake, fake, fake! It was the “holy shit” moment for me, right there…and then there were others, less surprising ones, but I’d say that one was the biggest one! He had tatoos of a religion he didn’t believe in! I realized than he was a poser, a billboard of a human being, 2D copy of a human being and you’d think that would make it easier to walk away from…xx
The wall had been starting to crumble with my mom for a while but when I called her needing to talk about a clearly very painful situation, she talked over me about meaningless gossip, and acted like she had no idea how to have a supportive conversation or even why I was upset or needed to be the one to talk this time.
I realise now my codependency probably had obscured the truth to me for a long time but suddenly the blinkers were off. 👀 I’ve spent five or six years coming to terms with it and that my family isn’t really what if believed it to be and the impact it’s had on me and my relationships. Unfortunately all attempts at boundaries were trashed by her straight away and she continues to prove that I’m right so I’m VLC.
My Full Horror Moment came when I realized that, behind the facade of a saintly man, the narcissist I was entangled with was actually maintaining an entire harem of women. Yet, what shocked me more than anything else was the discovery that for years he had been targeting me (and the others) with dozens of fake profiles, all while making it appear as if I was the one responsible. That revelation tore my world apart more than any betrayal in the romantic sense, because it exposed the sheer depth of his deception and malice. It has changed me forever
My FHM was when I found out that the father who abandoned me when I was a child had another family, and that I had an adult brother and sister I didn’t know. I also found that he was married to their mother (unlike mine) and that for 30 years he’d built an entire rooted, complete family, an opportunity for love and stability he never saw fit to provide me. He’d decided to leave me to be raised by a demon of a woman, whilst absolving himself of all responsibility for me and building a separate life. I did not exist.
I couldn’t seek out my new siblings–how would I be able to explain my absence for all those years? If they had a positive image of him, the truth of my existence would complicate that and I didn’t want to do that to them. Although now with HG’s work I understand it’s entirely possible he’d already smeared me with them–probably that I was the untrustworthy one–so maybe I needn’t have worried. But, yet again, by happenstance, I discovered that my father’s actions worked to deny me familial connection, to isolate me, and to break my spirit. When I found out, I suddenly couldn’t feel my body. Of all the ways he’d hurt me, that cut was the deepest.
But it wasn’t clean.
Hi Allison,
I feel for your pain and what your father did to you. I’m really sorry you went through that with him and your mother. Xx
If it’s not painful to answer, are you able to connect to your siblings now? Xx
Disgusting piece of work your Dad is. My dad is gross too. I’m sorry Allison. ❤️🩹
Dear Allison,
I’m so so sorry and feel for everything you have endured, you certainly didn’t deserve that.
You are very much worthwhile lovely one.