The Narcissist´s Reality Gap
The Lesser Narcissist. Whether it is the out and out loser that is the Lower Lesser, the usually useless Middle Lesser or the successful but overbearing bully that is the Upper Lesser, the three have certain common traits. One of these traits is their delusional state. The Lesser exists in a bubble convinced of his or her good looks or innate strength or irresistible sexiness. They think everybody likes them, they think if you don’t then you must be an idiot and you are not worth bothering with. They believe themselves to be great at sport, or writing, or whatever hobby and if they do not win or receive an accolade well the game was fixed, the paint was the wrong sort or the judges are retarded. After all, anybody who cannot see that the Lesser is a swaggering champion, well, they must need their head seeing to, right?
The Lesser cruises through life doing what he or she wants, taking whatever they want, behaving as they please and nobody is allowed to stop or interfere with this god-given right. They are completely oblivious to their shortcomings – that bloated beer belly just shows a certain joie de vivre, going bald is a sign of virility, wearing that same jacket is a mark of classic attire. Their narcissism enables them to maintain their perceived superiority (where often none exists) through the application of this delusion. They just do not see their failings, their inadequacies and failures. The self-defence mechanism of the Twin Lines of Defence will either deny any such failing or deflect it away by ascribing it to being the fault of someone or something else. Thus, the Lesser escapes culpability, maintains superiority, gathers fuel and barrels through his or her life wreaking havoc all around and never suffering consequences.
Now, the fuel crisis will cause the bubble to burst, but this article is not about the effect of the fuel crisis but rather the reality gap. When fuelled, the Lesser suffers no reality gap whatsoever. He or she is oblivious and served totally by the delusions of their narcissistic perspective because that is what enables them to exist and function.
What then of the Greater? There is no doubting that the Greater can point to substance to support those bold pronouncements. Look at the money, the high status career, the successful public life, the adoring crowds, the power that is wielded, the records made, the books sold, the art created, the countries invaded, the factories opened, the gadgets invented and the elections won. From captain of industry, Olympic champion, pop star, politician, royal, leader, spin doctor, fixer, striving executive, acclaimed actor, feted artists through to hundreds of other positions and roles, the Greater populates the higher echelons of achievement. His or her narcissism has enabled such an ascent. With no sense of remorse, no conscience, the desire to be the best, a total belief in one’s ability, a sense of entitlement and operating with absolute expediency it is little wonder that the Greater narcissists clamber into these positions.
Is there delusion with the Greater? Indeed and it manifests in the form of embellishment and exaggeration because the innate paranoia of the narcissist means that it is never enough. He may be popular but he sees that he is immensely popular because the narcissism demands it. The narcissism enabled him to scale the heights of political power to begin with and then feeds the need to stay there and want more and more and more because non sufficit orbit terrarum.
Thus the Greater will have considerable power but sees its reach as being even further. He has wealth but embellishes its degree. The narcissistic perspective insists on there being a reality greater than there is. It is even better than the real thing. The combination of that which has been achieved and the belief in added achievement results in the application of power on a tremendous scale, which in turns feeds the narcissism. Round and round it goes. There may be a reality gap, but similar to the Lesser, it is not apparent to the Greater save when the effects of a fuel crisis manifest.
What of the Mid-Range Narcissist? He or she can also achieve. Not on the scale of the Greater but beyond the Lesser. The Mid Range Narcissist, particular Middle Mid Range and Upper Mid Range will secure success, good jobs, excellent incomes, academic achievements, sporting achievements and so forth. Many friends, well-liked by family and the community (that good old facade at work there) and convinced of their own innate goodness.
However one of the fundamental differences between the Lesser and Greater Narcissists compared to the Mid Ranger is the basis on which the application the reality gap operates. The Lesser’s superiority is based on aggressive provocation, albeit in a rudimentary and base manner. The Greater’s superiority is also based on aggressive provocation but in a far more streamlined, refined and magnificent manner. The Mid-Ranger’s perceived superiority has its foundation placed on passive provocation – the silent treatments, the jealous smearing, the office politicking, the pity plays and so forth.
The consequence of this is that this passive, defensive superiority, as opposed to the driving, thrusting aggressive superiority of the other two schools, results in the Mid Range Narcissist suffering periodic reality gaps. He of course will have them and in a massive way as a consequence of a fuel crisis but as stated above, that is not the subject of this article.
The Mid Range Narcissist is afflicted by episodic instances of a detachment between his narcissistic perspective and reality. This is part of his narcissism because this is what enables him or her to operate in a passive aggressive manner through seeking sympathy, exhibiting jealousy, inviting pity and demanding help and support. The Mid Range Narcissists will occasionally get a glimpse of what he is as opposed to what he wants to be. He suddenly sees he is the middle manager salary man and not on the fast track to the board. Whereas the Lesser sees he is holding a semi-skilled position on the factory floor he either sees that as what is best for him and he wouldn’t want to be a “white collar wanker” or he believes he has never made it to management because the existing managers are cocksuckers who are clueless and have no idea how to run a company. The Greater is either at the board already or on his way. The Mid Range Narcissist once believing he was destined for that executive position suddenly realises he is not. He once believed he brought influence to bear beyond his current status because he was talented and just ripe for promotion, he is suddenly aware that this is not the case. The football career was not as glittering as he wanted it to be. She is not as popular as she wants to be. She isn’t able to win the races as she desires to.
The shortfall between what the Mid Range wants to be and believes him or herself to be and what they actually are manifests and delivers a crushing blow to the Mid Range. It is caused by wounding, but to the Mid Range Narcissist it appears to come out of nowhere, a sudden fountain of mediocrity which surges up unexpected and unwelcome. This awful reminder acts as a threat to the narcissist´s control. The Mid Range Narcissist immediately seeks to escape this reality gap by complaining, raging, sulking or smearing, thus asserting control over others, to draw fuel and banish this sudden reminder that they are nowhere near as special as what they believe themselves to be. Their envy of those who are what the Mid Range wants to be is unfettered. Their dejection at their position requires immediate succour from those around them, to flow with pity and sympathy until the moment has passed and with it the danger to their existence. What it does not do however, is enable the Mid Range Narcissist to see that they are a narcissist, that can never happen.
Accordingly, should you ever witness a Mid Range Narcissist exhibiting some kind of panic attack, a wailing and bemoaning of his or her lot in life even though there is no fuel crisis evident, then you have witnessed the appearance of the Mid Range narcissist’s reality gap.
18 thoughts on “The Narcissist´s Reality Gap”
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I’ve been watching the gorgeous Tudor wolf pack running around lately whilst standing inside HG’s Asylum of the Grotesque (home sweet home🖤)
And then I noticed a sheep in wolf’s clothing standing in front of the gates.
But when I looked closer, I realised it was just you, Annaamel.
Come closer, little sheep. And bring your goldfish friend with you! There is a banquet planned today 🪓🔪🍽️
If I were an upper mid-range narcissist who’d ‘eat myself if I were made of chocolate’, and I had a cerebral lean, I would likely see myself as intellectually superior to many, many other people. I might also believe, again due to the delusion of my narcissism, that I am an empath. I’d not be able to be a common and garden empath, of course. I’d have to believe I am an empath who has niche insight into people and can tackle problems that most would shy away from.
Obviously, a direct challenge from someone suggesting I’m not intellectually advanced or attuned with the world around me would wound me and cause fury and I’d have to use all my narcissistic dressings to patch the hole like reinventing history, smearing, projecting or gaslighting, after which I’d feel much better.
But there could be other scenarios where, instead of a direct wounding, I’d experience a Reality Gap™. For instance, I could come upon a discussion, an article or a video about feeling intellectually superior and sophisticated. It might also detail feelings of disgust and boredom with the general stupidity and gullibility of people and it might even emphasise that these kinds of feelings could be something valuable and maybe even a cause for pride. It would feel incredibly resonant and validating for me because I also can feel disgust and boredom with the stupidity and gullibility of people.
But while I would enjoy the video it could potentially send me into a spin. I’d likely feel an internal well of panic rising up inside me at the same time. How could I value this approach and see it as worthy but simultaneously be a particularly empathic and sensitively calibrated human? Would it be possible for me to feel a deep and visceral apathy or hostility towards ignorant and mentally undisciplined people when I am also bound to sense their feelings and put myself in their shoes? “Whirrrr-clunk!”
Fury is bubbling up along with the panic. What is a solution? Maybe there a person who seems to be able to assimilate these two sides. Someone eminently respectable, who I can align myself with. I can strategically pull details together that meld the two seemingly opposing structures meld together in a convincing way in the one person. What if it’s not convincing enough? Something stronger might be required.
Wait – what is this? A video about empaths with psychopathic traits? Tell me more. What? I can feel ennui, superiority and maybe even disgust and still be an empath? A really, really strong and exceptionally intuitive empath who absolutely must use these colder traits because the world is so harsh I might struggle to survive it, to balance my system, to prevent overwhelm? Oh yes!! Yes, yes, yes!!!
What a relief. I am whole again! I can stand on the bank of the river and look across at the other side, wholly confident that I am not there, not even halfway between the two banks, but standing fully supported on the empathic-with-psychopathic-traits side.
Interesting comment AA, I enjoyed reading it. Only change I would make is ULB. There is no facade, there is some charm when useful, but there is heated fury right at the surface at all times. They can be quite intelligent also. My dad was a UMR, this is not him. Just my opinion.
Thanks, AV! I like ULB better. Also, Somatic please. You should see my grades. Absolutely nothing cerebral about them, y’all!
Hi AV. I am glad you appreciated my comment. I understand your point and have been thinking about it.
I am still feeling my way around, but how I probably see it at the moment is that even if the hypothetical me might show clear ULB type behaviours on occasion, the bulk of the time I’m going to be engaged in, to quote the article above, ‘office politicking.’ Middle management on a power trip. And while I, as a potential UMR cerebral, might believe I come across as the workplace Don Draper, to many I will look more like Basil Fawlty or Dwight Schrute.
To carry on the US Office analogy, I’d probably see the ULB at Dunder Miflin as being Todd Packer, someone who can get and keep a job but is clearly a dick and all of the time. While Micheal might be a MMRer – overall less troublesome than Dwight.
Thank you for your reply Annaamel,
I am about to reveal something of myself, should my knees be knocking? They are not.
When i read your initial comment, i did not read the article it was attached to, I got so excited i just responded! It is a bad habit of mine, it does not happen often but in situations where I relate unexpectedly with something. It is likely related to my small amount of Geyser.
Your second comment does actually sound like my dad, the way you describe it, except he was an elite and therefore may not have looked quite as bad… maybe…
My knee-jerk response was a little embarrassing once I realized what had happened, i seriously thought you were describing a specific person. Thank you again for the follow up and opportunity to clarify.
“Your second comment does actually sound like my dad, the way you describe it, except he was an elite and therefore may not have looked quite as bad… maybe…”
I think the cerebrals are their own particular kind of excruciating.
“i seriously thought you were describing a specific person.”
You thought correctly.
Hi AVictor,
Do you remember how Annaamel took my side against you, Leigh, and LET?
Then, a short while later, in a thread where you and Leela were discussing the Russia-Ukraine topic, with both of you leaning more pro-Russia and critical of Zelensky, Annaamel appeared with her usual virtue signalling about how a Ukrainian who happened to read the thread might be offended.
Yet it seemed to me that she was specifically targeting you. She kept provoking you until you eventually exploded and cursed at her rather badly. And she stood there as calm, cold, and victorious as if obtaining that reaction had been the objective all along.
The tension between the two of you never really seemed to disappear. In fact, not so long ago you placed me and her in the same category of people you regarded as similar. That was actually quite recent. I can share the link if you want.
So what changed?
Why are you BFFs now?
A common enemy?
The enemy of my enemy is my friend, right?
AA,
“I think the cerebrals are their own particular kind of excruciating.”
You are likely correct, I don’t know any cerebrals irl. Thank goodness.
I want to write a little to all, about the sharing of ourselves here. I’ve read with some interest the conversations about that and with each comment it has struck me that we all share of ourselves here. We don’t all share details of our off blog life, we don’t all share about how our empathy works, or the types of narcissists we’ve known or how we feel about the blog, or anything specific. But, anything we do share, everything we share, tells others sometbing about us. We may all have different ideas about what someone is telling us, their motives, their imagined tone etc, but it is still something. So for those using the details of other’s lives which have been shared here against them, in doing so you are telling us who you are. What anyone else makes of what is told tells us about them also. It is normal for this to be so, it is one way we can learn and grow and how we gauge another’s safety, their trustworthiness. We can use this as a barometer of our own health, and that of others, whether we speak to it or not. We can choose to apply HG’s principles of NC when we deem it appropriate. We can risk trusting someone and talking with them. We can read only for a long time or jump in with both feet. There is freedom here to operate in the manner we each need. It is of value that this freedom exists here.
Hi AA,
I tend to think ULB also. There’s no facade. What you see is what you get. UNRs have carefully curated facades.
I didn’t watch The Office so I can’t follow your comparisons. I did watch Mad Men though and I don’t see Don Draper.
The only comparison I can think of is Trump vs Hilary. I lean towards Trump.
“..have carefully curated facades”
……until they don’t, Leigh
Hi AA,
Right from the very beginning i saw the bombastic nature. The bullying and belligerence showed up later.
I didnt see a carefully curated facade, even in the beginning.
I’m sticking with ULB.
Leigh, it is getting warmer, you’re almost there!!!
“The only comparison I can think of is Trump vs Hillary. I lean towards Trump.”
Annaamel = Hillary
Jordy = Trump (Puedo ser lo que usted quiera que sea, señora)
I’ll give it a chance.
This is a hoover by an Upper Mid-Range Narcissist (she even utilised an emoji, lol. So untypical. She wanted to give it her all😭):
“Hello dear Leigh. 🥰I’ve been thinking, reading, and analysing and you have been right all along. I’ve been wrong. I’ve been naive, hopeful, misguided and empathically blind. I’ve made a big leap and am now in sync with you and a few other readers who have been much more alert, aware and knowledgeable than me. Thank you for tolerating my faulty perspective, persevering with me and trying to gently guide me into the light.”
Here, she puts you on a pedestal (usually she looked down on you and AV) and plants the idea in your head that you have guided her into the light, whilst portraying herself as the good-hearted individual misled by excessive empathy: “I’ve been naive, hopeful, misguided and empathically blind.”
You fall for it hook, line and sinker.
But her main interest is not helping you but utilising you. It becomes all about Jordy, not about Leigh, not about helping Leigh, building Leigh up, and so on. Not having long exchanges with Leigh about her situation and what can be done about it, because that is boring to her and she has never shown any prolonged concern for anyone here.
Virtue signalling? Yes. That is easy and quick. Her method favours efficiency. After all, you’re only a tertiary source.
She does not sustain long exchanges because, once people demonstrate they are under control, there is no need to prolong the dialogue. When control is threatened, however, that is the only time she spends more time than usual asserting it back. (Now, having read this, she might adjust to it and you’ll see a different version in the future.)
She needs you and AV in order to assert control over me indirectly and deal with my challenge fuel.
For over a month, you talked about me when I was not even there, and she led it all along whilst you followed.
Until she withdraws and leaves you standing there alone, looking foolish and unable to stop, being driven by emotional thinking, whilst she is already long gone.
The apocalypse is at the front door and we’re still talking about Jordy. Yes, keep talking about meeeeeeee!
Think of it this way: why have you spent so much time focusing on me instead of focusing on yourself?
It is rather odd, isn’t it?
If I am a narcissist, then surely the logical question becomes “Why am I spending so much of my time, attention, and energy on Jordy?”
Now that would be an interesting question to analyse.
I genuinely don’t mind you succeeding.
And you can call me a narcissist all you want. It doesn’t affect me. I’m not angry about it, nor do I carry grudges over it.
I know I’m not exactly a walk in the park. Sometimes I’m more like Jurassic Park. Where that comes from? Hell knows?! (Trump genes💪)
Let me know whether you want my brainpower to assist you with something, or whether you would prefer that I never address you or mention you again.
I can do either.
Annaamel, you’re losing it. 404. You make me worried about you.
“..have carefully curated facades”
……until they don’t, Leigh.
Leigh and AV lean towards an Upper Lesser B (Donald Trump) when they are referring to me.
It’s so odd how none of you say it directly. You all communicate like witnesses in a mafia trial.
What trip are you on, grandmas?
With an Upper Lesser B, there’s no carefully curated facade. What you see is what you get. That is what Leigh is trying to communicate to you.
Then Leigh says that Upper Mid-Rangers have carefully curated facades.
And you respond with:
“……….until they don’t, Leigh.”
What is that ………. supposed to mean? The amount of subtext here could power a small city.
Are those your final words as the system shuts down? 💀🪦🌷
Like, what the fig?
Why do I have to translate between the three of you? At this point, I’m not analysing narcissism, I’m analysing smoke signals.
Just say it properly. Type it out properly, gangstas!
Stop communicating through half-finished riddles. I’ve seen ancient prophecies written more directly.
I need HG, a whiteboard, and three forensic linguists. Forget the Empath Detector. We need a Grandma Decoder Ring.
When WN told you to ignore a narcissist, you replied that you cannot. Ever wondered why?
Why the need to control someone who cannot truly be controlled and who will likely only provoke you further whilst feeding from your reactions?
You do not actually want to lead by example for Leigh or others by demonstrating disengagement. Instead, you place provocation after provocation after provocation, begging for a reaction.
Paradoxical, isn’t it?
Feels better now?
You matter.
Hello Annameel:
An empath with psychopathic traits is me. Confirmed. I am not a psychopath. I just have a high pain tolerance and go calm in a crisis. My ex would joke about the Jason Stratham scene in Spy and say “that’s my wife”. She could have her arm dangling off and not complain. It is weird. People talk of dental pain. I let a root die in my mouth and when I went to the dentist couldn’t believe it as it had to be so painful to wait. I had to work and I was fine. Of course I feel pain but I have a high tolerance. Same with an emergency, I go calm. HG spoke of firefighters and EMT workers. I would have been a good EMT ….not sure about a fire fighter lol. Definitely on knowledge. But that’s where it stops. I did a genetic health analysis with blood work and a family history form that was spooky. High pain tolerance came up. Intolerance to heat. Sensitivity to light. Always warm. Lucid dreaming. The high need for sleep. The need to move and not be sedate, intuition, even food choices, RLS etc… etc… there is an amazing neurobiology reason for things. And a psychopath is known to have a high pain tolerance ….well others can have it too but that’s about it. HG did not attribute other psychopathic traits to empaths. It would be an oxymoron really. His video was on point for some of us who may have worried about it and had a similar trait:)
Best wishes!
Hi Contagious,
I find your discussions very interesting.What do you think about rhesus ,negative blood groups..I myself am group B negative,we are more rare and apparently from what I have learned many are empathy.
Hello Jill:
I wish I had information to give you. My son is the same blood type as you:) But it is like DNA testing, the results only apply to you, no there information. And they never mentioned empaths. Someone else mentioned that Empaths are ancient. There are articles online, YouTube videos and many blood/dna/ genetic tests you can do online or even ask a doctor. If you do one and are amazed at its accuracy to your medical conditions if any or other uniques life experiences, please share! Also if yours mentions empathy that would be very cool to learn.
Best wishes!