8 Common Things Narcissists Say To Control You

 

 

People are objects to the narcissists. We call them appliances. You are there to be controlled so that the narcissist can extract fuel from you, character traits, and residual benefits. Those four things, control, fuel, character traits, and residual benefits, are known as the prime aims. The simplest way is to think of the Narcissist as an entity that has been programmed to pursue at least one and possibly all four of the prime aims from every interaction that that Narcissist has with an appliance, i . e. another person. The Narcissist has been equipped with a range of characteristics and also has certain things missing, most notable one being emotional empathy, which means that the narcissist has been crafted, if you will, streamlined, to be as effective as possible to get those prime aims. That’s all that matters.

Accordingly, the narcissist has been built with a sense of entitlement, an absence of emotional empathy, a lack of accountability, a range of manipulative behaviors, in some instances grandiosity, magical thinking. a haughty and dismissive attitude, a lack of boundary recognition, and other factors besides, because all of those characteristics combine to enable the narcissist to thrive and survive by obtaining the prime aims from the people that the narcissist deals with. Fundamental in all of this is the necessity of control, and in order to gain that control, the narcissist will commonly use words against you. There are lots of different manipulations that the narcissist can utilize, but doing so through the application of words is a particular favorite model of narcissism. Why? Words come easy. You just speak them and there they are, floating across into the ears of the recipient. It doesn’t take much effort at all to say things, or in some instances, to write them down. But more usually, the narcissist will say these things because it’s fast, it’s easy, and it also has deniability. I never said that, something that you often hear from a narcissist.

Certain phrases are used by narcissists to control you so the narcissist can gain fuel from you, access your character traits and your residual benefits. it’s important to understand what these phrases are and what’s really going on and the context in which they’re used to help you recognize them so that you may well be alerted to the fact that you are dealing with a narcissist. Now just because somebody uses some of these phrases doesn’t automatically make them a narcissist. You need to look at other factors. But you will find that having identified that somebody is a narcissist, you are likely to have heard these phrases being used time and time again by the narcissist. And you will understand why they are being used. Verbal manipulation is powerful and it’s subtle. The dominance that the narcissist seeks in a relationship, whether romantic, familial, professional, or social, means that a particular language is used as a primary tool to assert, to maintain control, and to nullify threats to it. These phrases are instinctively selected by the narcissism in order to erode your confidence, to blame shift, to instill doubt, and to keep you emotionally tethered to the narcissist.

Recognizing such red flag statements that I’m going to explain to you will often be a game changer for protecting your mental health and autonomy. I’m going to provide you eight of the most common phrases used by narcissists.

Number one, you’re too sensitive. This is one of the most frequent lines in the narcissist’s playbook of manipulations. When you express hurt over the narcissist’s actions invariably, where the narcissist has criticized you, insulted you, broken a promise, or been dismissive towards you, the narcissist will then flip the script by attacking your emotional response instead of addressing the issue. What the narcissist is doing is essentially telling you your feelings are inconvenient to the needs of the narcissist so the narcissist will now invalidate your feelings and therefore avoid accountability. By avoiding accountability, you no longer threaten the narcissist’s control with your emotional reaction. The phrase is a classic. It’s designed to cause you to question your own reactions, leading you then to start self -censoring or apologizing for having boundaries. Over time, its repeated use will cause you to suppress emotions, giving the narcissist freer reign to behave however they want, meaning that you’re less likely to threaten the control that the narcissist requires. If every time you bring up a legitimate concern, the conversation shifts to your sensitivity, or how you’re overreacting, then, note, it’s a deflection from the narcissist’s behaviour, and it’s a control tactic that’s been utilised against you. Naturally, once you realise you’re dealing with the narcissist, you should apply the first golden rule of freedom, which is once you know you go, you get out and you stay out. In some instances, you may find it beneficial to affirm your reality by stating, my feelings are valid, and this isn’t about being too sensitive, it’s about what happened. But remember, the narcissist isn’t going to accept what you have to say to them. You saying that is more for your benefit than rather ensuring that the narcissist is suddenly going to see things your way.

Number two. I’m sorry you feel that way. This is a non -apology disguised as emotional empathy. Narcissists never offer genuine remorse, because admitting fault, of course, means accountability, which means a threat to control. The use of this phrase sidesteps responsibility entirely. What it really means is the narcissist is explaining, I refuse to own my actions, but I’ll pretend to care about your emotions to shut your threat to control down quickly. It’s a favorite deflection tool used to control. By focusing on your feelings, the narcissist suggests that the problem lies in your perception and not their conduct. True apologies come from individuals with emotional empathy, and invariably involved I statements, such as, I was wrong, and then cemented by behavioural change. This lacks both in relation to the narcissist.

Number three, you made me do this. This is blame -shifting at its core. Instead of owning the behaviour, whether it’s an eruption of rage, the commission of infidelity, the telling of lies, or doling out cruel devaluation, the narcissist will pin it on you instead. In essence, the narcissist is explaining, I am not accountable for my actions. I have no impulse control. So what I will do is make you the villain, which then preserves my self -view as being flawless. This tactic creates guilt and confusion in the victim, keeping you in a cycle of trying to fix things by changing yourself. Healthy people, of course, take responsibility, even when provoked. Narcissists never do. The narcissist externalizes everything. It’s always someone or something else’s fault, never the narcissist’s.

Number four, no one else would put up with you. These are instinctively designed cut deep, attacking your self -worth to make you feel undeserving of better treatment. What the narcissist is doing is isolating you emotionally, so you believe that the narcissist is your only option, and thus allows the narcissist to increase their control over you. This phrase is often paired with intermittent reinforcement, good times followed by cruelty, respite periods followed by devaluation. And this caters to the addiction that the individual has to the narcissist. Invariably, it’s utilized by preying on your insecurities, particularly after you may have shared vulnerabilities with the narcissist. The fact is, you’re being triangulated with the no one else by the use of this phrase.

Number five, I never said that. This is the first line of the twin lines of the narcissistic defense, denial. Even when confronted with evidence of the words or actions of the narcissist, the narcissist will deny your reality outright. Remember, for the vast majority of narcissists, those that are lesser or mid -range, their lies are their truth. They look at the world through a different perspective, and therefore, when they say, I never said that, they truly believe it. In effect, they’re rewriting history, although they will not see it that way. And this is done, naturally, to gain control over you by causing you to doubt your memory and sanity, so you stop challenging the narcissist. This also then erodes trust in your own perceptions, making you reliant on the narcissist’s version of events. Naturally, it’s advantageous for you if you make notes and documentary records of what has occurred. Don’t expect the narcissist to accept it when confronted with it, but it’ll enable you to remain fixed on your own reality by realising, quite simply, you’re not going mad.

Number six. You’re always attacking me. Notice the use of the absolute of always. The alternative is never. The Narcissist doesn’t do measured object constancy, but rather it’s either all in or all out. You’re always doing this or you never do this. There can never be a bit of the both. This, of course, is victim playing by the Narcissist. The Narcissist becomes the wounded party. You are the aggressor for holding them accountable. The narcissist portrays themselves as a martyr in order to dole out a pity play, to guilt you into backing down and providing fuel and thus giving control. It’s designed instinctively to derail any discussion and maintain the power imbalance. It often appears when you seek to enforce a boundary against the narcissist. The narcissist doesn’t talk about the issue at hand, but rather talks about your behavior towards the narcissist, and makes it seem like you always behave this way, prompting you to then argue about the fact that you don’t always do this, and thus it deflects from the actual discussion you were having.

Number seven, nobody else will want you. Isolation through degradation. This phrase seeks to destroy your confidence in forming other relationships. Essentially, it means, I’ll convince you that you’re unlovable without me, trapping you in the dynamic, essentially meaning that you’re easier to control. This is most common in romantic abuse, but it can appear in familial or workplace contexts also.

Number eight, you need to toughen up. This is minimization and comparison. The narcissist will dismiss your struggles by implying that you’re weak or defective. Your pain doesn’t matter because the narcissist has no emotional empathy. You must conform to the expectations of the narcissist or face more criticism. In other words, stop whining because your whining is a threat to my need for control and you’re making it all about you when it needs to be all about me. This is an invalidation of your emotions and pressures you into conformity. This is tearing you down in order to bring you under control. Naturally there are many other phrases that are used by narcissists but these are eight of the most common and I’ve set them out for you so that you might then realize that the possibility is that you having heard these is the fact that a narcissist is in your midst, and you’re ensnared with one, and you might undertake further investigation to make a determination in that regard. To do so, you should utilize my Narc Detector, which is a comprehensive assessment of the individual that you subject to the questions, you provide the answers, I provide you with the expert analysis. The link for the narc detector is here