I See Sanctuary
When I first meet you and I look into your eyes I find a certain sanctuary. Your optimistic eyes seem like paradise to me. I can see the hope, the desire and the adoration burning in your eyes. Be they brown, blue, green or grey I can see the promise of salvation. That is why I try so hard to win you over. I apply everything I can think of to ensure that you stay with me so I can gaze deep into your eyes and drink the delight, trust and admiration that flows from them.
You have no idea how much I need to see those things. The more I show you love, affection and how interested I am in you, the greater the radiance that shines towards me and the sanctuary that you have created for me remains in place. It surrounds and protects me, keeping the pain and the hurt at bay. It is a simple formula; I shower you with affection and attention and you return to me that magical protection in the form of how you look at me.
The admiring glance across the restaurant table, the wide-eyed desire when we are in bed together, the simmering passion as I undress you and the sheer adoration as you quicken your pace to cross a room or a road to meet me. I need that place of safety and respite. A sanctuary where I know that the whispering, taunting voices will be silenced. A place of salvation where that cold-fingered dread cannot grip my throat and silence my scream of terror.
Those draining shades that manifest from a past which I try to consign into oblivion cannot reach me in this place. That is what I hope for and believe every time somebody new enters my life. If I can just keep you sending me the power and the protection arising from those magnificent eyes then I will be safe. I apply my every effort to maintaining that gaze which will keep the darkness and the foul creatures lurking amongst it at bay.
Everything I do is geared around making you feel happy, loved and wanted so that you will keep looking at me in that way and preserving my sanctuary.
Yet, no matter how hard I try, notwithstanding every effort I apply to maintaining your state of joy and happiness, you let me down. Each time someone new appears I am given renewed hope that this time the sanctuary will be permanently preserved and each time you fail me.
Why do you do this to me when I try so damn hard for you? The burning admiration that you exhibited towards me suddenly dims. The adoration that blazed across the room has lost its intensity. The shining lustre of desire has become dulled. You do this to me and in so doing you turn the key of the gates, lift the heavy bar and push them open. You do this on purpose don’t you? You breach the citadel so that the screeching, moaning and howling tormentors that have gathered beyond its walls are admitted to assault me once again as they try to pull me into the abyss of insanity.
The craven creatures slither forward, their mucus-covered tendrils slipping and sliding as they seek me out, determined to coil about me and drag me silent with terror into that place I must not go. Why do you do this to me? What have I done to deserve this treatment? All I have ever done is love you with a perfect love to cause you to generate that sanctuary and now, with no warning or help, you allow the paradise to be violated by those that seek to harm me.
I am left with no option but to fight them. To muster my strength and seek to defeat these agents of darkness by gathering my rage and anger. I must lash out in all directions, often and without restraint in order to stop my tormentors from destroying me. It matters not who is caught up in this frenzy, it is incidental whether you or anyone else finds themselves collateral damage from my necessary defence of my being. I fight and fight and fight, it is exhausting but it must be done. I have to survive until the next promise of sanctuary is identified and drifts my way.
There I will find peace and a place to restore my waning strength. Is it you?
Perhaps this time the sanctuary will remain intact.
4 thoughts on “I See Sanctuary”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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An empaths response:
Yes, I found you once, in the citadel. It took years of searching, silently watching, observing your moods and what made you laugh and what made you comfortable. Yes, I found my way to you in your citadel. It wasn’t for the purpose of attacking you or exposing you but my search for you was simply to connect and experience a shared journey together.
I didn’t know. I didn’t know about the abyss or the creature or the battle that opening the door to reach you would force upon you. In fact, my motivation in searching for you, and inadvertently breaching the citadel to find you, was the complete opposite of what resulted. I was seeking to be a comfort, a companion, a watcher on the wall on your behalf and loyal only to you, to guard the safety of our private and permanent shared sanctuary. And indeed, Ken, when I found you it was wonderful and real and my commitment to your happiness and peace was entirely flawless and eternal.
But I didn’t know. I didn’t know the creature was there too, and in finding your true self I was also simultaneously releasing the creature. Collateral damage, yes. The scars are permanent. I hide them when you are looking, but when I’m alone they swell and grow red and hot to the touch and I will never be free of the vitriol and venom spit upon me during your battle with the creature. They are my punishment, and the reminder of your resentment of me for finding you and in finding you exposing the creature.
But I will abide with my scars because they are a reminder. A reminder to forgive myself for not knowing, and forgive you for the battle you inevitably fight alone. I move forward, patiently, perhaps pointlessly, with the understanding now that even though I found you once, I must never go back there again. It is entirely up to you to open the gates and allow me in.
Hello, errrm, Dump 😀 (Can I call you Dump, or do you prefer Dumpster? :D)
Firstly, who is KEN? You want us to pay him a visit?
Secondly, we can’t pay him a visit ‘cos he is a narcissist. GOSO implemented. Get Out, Stay Out! If KEN opens his gates, don’t go in! Run the other way!
Am I taking this too literally? 😉
Eloquent to a fault !
However, I continue to struggle understanding the end goal of Narcissistic behaviour ?
Appears to be an endless cerebral duel between Empathy versus Narcissism (Good v Evil) ?
Typically, my formal degree’s taught me nothing of reality. I appreciate access to your knowledge vault.
There is no end goal. It is the perpetual maintenance of both a shield (to protect the true self) and a sword (to provoke the outside world to give the world what the narcissist requires).