Category Archives: Discard

Crossing the Emotional Sea (Post Disengagement/Escape Battle – Part Two)

 

CROSSING THEEMOTIONAL SEA.jpg

 

The first battle that takes places post disengagement or escape is the battle of the Emotional Sea. That is a battle that you are always destined to lose. You will always fight at least one Emotional Sea Battle because you do not know any other way. In all likelihood, you will face several of these battles because you will keep being hoovered back into our grasp until such time as you learn to recognise what you are dealing with and understand what you must do. Eventually and this may take several Emotional Sea Battles before you realise this and are capable of achieving the appropriate response, you either evade the Emotional Sea Battle by escaping as opposed to being discarded, or you prepare yourself for the eventual discard in a manner which means you no longer have to ensure the Emotional Battle. Instead, you move on to the next post disengagement or post escape  battle, that of Head versus Heart (“the HvH Battle”).

The HvH Battle (also known as the Logic v Emotion Battle) is a battleground where you stand some chance of victory. This battleground is one where you have gained understanding. It might be through your repeated exposure to our kind so that eventually something has “clicked” into place or more often than not it is as a consequence of an external agent who has explained matters to you. It might by a therapist, a friend, the content of a book, something you saw on YouTube or even something that I have written. Whatever has caused this understanding to increase, it is this which provides you with the fighting chance to win this HvH Battle.

You have been discarded and run the gamut of emotional fall-out thereafter. You may understand what we are. You may understand some of the things that we have done. You may be familiar with the fact that we will try to hoover you back into our grip. You may even be starting to comprehend that what has happened was all predicated on an illusion. The degree of understanding will vary but what is important for you is that you are allowing logical thought to be heard above the raw heat of your emotions. You once again will not just be battling against us but also yourself. We will be looking to hoover you in order to draw you back into our grip or perhaps we will be unleashing a malign hoover since we are unable to draw you back into our false reality and therefore we opt to keep extracting negative fuel by way of punishment for your treachery. You have us as an opponent, but you will also be fighting yourself as your emerging logic grapples with the still churning emotion. You have learned many things and you know you should apply what you have learned but still there is the emotional pull that you experience. You are not removed or detached from your emotions, they have not dimmed either, they are still there, raging away. The hurt, the love, the longing, the passion, the fear and the upset. An ocean of emotion which you once tried to cross but that was the Emotional Battle and you had barely taken four strokes as you began to swim before you were engulfed by the emotion and sank to the bottom of this sea, drowned by your own emotion. Now you have built a vessel. It is made from cool, hard logic. Critical thinking, once a stranger to you during your savage devaluation, has re-appeared. You can analyse and assess. It is unlikely you are able to do so at the level you once enjoyed before we came along but it is there. Whether this vessel is a tiny raft, a dinghy, a boat or a hulking great liner depends very much on the extent of your understanding. The choppy emotional seas will smash against your vessel of logic. A wave of sorrow will buffet you, a tsunami of longing will threaten to swamp you once again. Wave after wave of emotion will try and capsize your vessel as you try to navigate this emotional ocean. Chances are your life raft will be smashed to match wood and you will be tipped into the sea to drown once again as emotion subsumes you and you find yourself back in our hold. Your clipper may be holed beneath the waterline and you start to take on board more and more emotion as steadily you sink beneath the emotional waves once again. It is during this HvH Battle as you try to cross the emotional ocean, because what you must do is reach the dry land beyond and in effect put an ocean but you and us, you will be subjected to the push and pull of your emotions trying to guide you, to control your decision-making, your head will tell you one thing as your heart screams something else at you. This is probably the harder battle for you to fight. In the Emotional Battle, you do not stand a chance and your defeat is swift and total. During the HvH Battle you will make gains, suffer losses, seem to making a breakthrough and then out of nowhere a tidal wave will flip you from your boat and into the churning ocean and you drown once again. All the while we will be whipping up the waves, firing our torpedoes at you as we endeavour to cause you to sink into this emotional ocean yet again and you fail to cross it and win this battle. How might this HvH Battle manifest in the real world?

  1. You will know you ought not to contact us but you need to send a message to see if we respond.
  2. You will keep checking our social media profiles to ascertain if you are mentioned, if we are with somebody else and/or to find out what we are doing.
  3. You will ask about us to our coterie and lieutenants, often unwittingly doing so, so this is fed back to us.
  4. You will go on dates but find you are always comparing this new person to us and they are always found to be wanting.
  5. You know what the outcome will be but you just want one more night with us.
  6. You realise that we are unlikely to change but if you do not try you will never know, so it is worth one more attempt to talk isn’t it?
  7. You understand much of what we did and said was a lie, but surely it could not all have been an illusion? There must have been times where we really did love you and you need to ask us about this.
  8. You know we are bad for you, but you cannot help what you feel. Surely it would be better to stop this pain from being there all the time and just have it occasionally?
  9. You know you should not reply to our messages but it feels so good to have a conversation with us again. It has been too long.
  10. You know we are using you, but it feels so damn good.
  11. One kiss cannot hurt can it?
  12. You know better now, so going back will be different because you know what to expect. Armed with this new knowledge you can enter the lion’s den again but be better prepared.
  13. You know we are bad for you but you cannot bear the thought of someone else being with us and perhaps being the one to work.
  14. What if this time the apology is sincere and the desire to change is real? If you walked away from that, you would only be denying yourself happiness wouldn’t you?
  15. You understand engaging with us is dangerous but there are things you really need to tell us.

These and others besides are all examples of the inherent tension that arises in this tug-of-war between your cool intellect and your burning emotions.

Can you win this battle that rages post disengagement or post escape? Unlike the first battle, the Emotional SeaBattle which you can never win, you can be victorious. You may have to fight this HvH Battle many times before securing the win. In the beginning you may be clinging to little more than a log as you desperately try to sail the emotional ocean and you are swept from it. However, by reading and understanding, by disciplining yourself to apply logic, to prevent your emotions from engulfing you, by reading more and increasing your knowledge you will begin to increase your logic vessel. From log to raft to dinghy. Still you may be swamped and drowned again. But then it becomes a small boat, a yacht, a clipper, a steamer, a passenger liner, a frigate, a destroyer and a super tanker. Each time you rebuild, better, bigger and stronger as you learn more, making the vessel more seaworthy. You begin to chart routes so you avoid the most tumultuous emotional areas, finally beginning to steer through calmer waters until there it is, on the horizon, the sight of land and the final battle that occurs with our kind post discard.

The HvH Battle is not an easy battle. You will fight it several times, but each time you should be better prepared to cross the emotional ocean and improve your prospects of success. Sometimes you are taken unawares by some of our provocative tactics and dumped unceremoniously into the water once again, but it is a battle you can win through the dedicated application of knowledge and understanding.

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Has the Narcissist Disengaged Or Is It A Silent Treatment?

HAS THE NARCISSISTDISENGAGEDOR IS IT ASILENT TREATMENT?

I am often asked how somebody is able to distinguish between being subjected to a silent treatment or whether they have been disengaged from (discarded in old money) ?  There are clear similarities between the two and of course, they are both instances which are common in respect of the narcissistic dynamic between our kind and the intimate partner primary source.

Silent treatments come essentially in two forms. There is the Present Silent Treatment (“PST”) and the Absent Silent Treatment (“AST”). The PST manifests as us standing and glaring at you but not saying anything, or walking away from you every time you come near us so we go to a different room or we just sit in a chair and watch television acting as if you are not there, even though we may speak to other people. Whilst the PST is unpleasant to the recipient, it is often used because it is a manifestation of cold fury. The PST is used by all three schools of narcissist, but is heavily used by the Mid-Rangers as part of their passive-aggressive repertoire. The advantage to us of the PST is that we can deploy it with very little effort (thus conserving energy) and also because you are either in the same room as us or nearby we gain significant Proximate Fuel from your upset, anger or irritation. A PST’s duration is less than that of an AST. This is because the fuel drawn from its application is strong and therefore any wounding that has been caused will be addressed sooner. Accordingly, the PST may only last half an hour and at most until the next morning after you have endured a night in bed alone as we slept in the spare room or on the settee.

The short duration of the PST and the very fact that we are in the same room as you or same building means that it is clear that it is a silent treatment and there is no discard. Indeed, the PST will not even be the precursor to discard. The PST has one function and one function alone; to draw fuel from you and it is very effective in that respect.

Turning to the AST. This occurs when we disappear and you do not know where we have gone. We may head to a local bar for the night, book into a hotel, stay at a friend’s, leave town, return to our own property or head to the Intimate Partner Secondary Source that we are cultivating. The key components of an AST are as follows:-

  1. We are not proximate to you;
  2. You do not know where we have gone;
  3. You are desperate to find us (be that because you are worried, upset, concerned or angry); and
  4. You will try to contact us.

The AST allows us to draw two types of fuel initially. The first is Proximate Fuel. Although we are not next to you, if we receive anxious voicemail messages from you, we read angry text messages demanding to know where the hell we are,  mutual friends get in touch explaining how you have contacted them worried sick as to where we are and/or we see you stood on our doorstep banging on our front door as we watch with a grin from behind the curtains, then we draw Proximate Fuel at ‘witnessing’ your emotional reaction.

Secondly, knowing that we have left you in a state of anxiety or annoyance provides us with Thought Fuel. Even if we do not answer the ‘phone, pick up the text messages or voicemails, the fact we see you are calling us will provide us with this Thought Fuel as well. Accordingly, the AST is a low-energy/high potency method of gaining fuel from you.

We revel in knowing you will be pacing up and down concerned as to where we have gone to, you will be ringing around friends and relatives to try to track us down and alternating between anger and upset. We have caused this in you and this makes us feel powerful.

There is a third fuel line to the AST as well. The reason we opt for an AST and not a PST is also because we use the time away from you to either spend time with Non-Intimate Secondary Sources (our friends and family- quite probably smearing you at the same time) and thus we gain fuel from them but more often we use it to cultivate the Intimate Partner Secondary Source that we are considering for promotion to Primary Source.

The attention from this person or these people gives us additional fuel. We are therefore edified by this triple supply of fuel. No wonder the AST is so tempting. We gain fuel and we are also progressing the seduction of the prospective primary source, working on embedding them.

How long might an AST last? It could be an afternoon, it might be a month, it might be three months. However, as the time period lengthens this is when people begin to wonder if this is now a discard. The question arises, when is this behaviour no longer a silent treatment and when does it become a disengagement?

Would it be a discard after one day? One week? One month? Three months? Six months?

The answer is that you may have ASTs which last those periods of time and an absence of just one day may be the start of the disengagement.

If we are drawing fuel from you then it remains a silent treatment. Keep in mind that the potency of the Thought Fuel will only last so long, so we will need some Proximate Fuel which means we need you to keep knocking at our door and ringing our telephone. Of course, since we are not engaging with you, how do you know that we are still drawing fuel from you and it is not in fact a disengagement? You could be calling us and it is actually a discard, so how then could you tell the difference?

As you know, we will often not tell you that the Formal Relationship is over. We just disengage without telling you. If you are trying to get in touch with us and you find that you have been blocked from our mobile number, we have blocked you on social media and none of our friends can shed any light on where we are, then you should realise that this is not a silent treatment but you have been disengaged from.

Since we need fuel during a silent treatment we keep the avenues of communication open but we do not respond. Thus we let you text, ring, drop notes round, send messages through friends and knock at our door. This gives us the fuel. If you have been disengaged from, we have no need for your fuel anymore (indeed you may not actually be providing it – see below) because we are drinking up delicious fresh positive fuel from the new primary source. Accordingly, we do not need to or want to hear from you.

if you turn up at our door, you may be ignored but more likely you will be confronted and be told in no uncertain terms to go away and leave us alone. You will be threatened with the police and restraining orders or our lieutenants will turn up to warn you off. We don’t need your fuel anymore and we do not want you hanging around like a bad smell and posing a risk to our harmonious new relationship with the new primary source.

Accordingly, a chief determinant between a silent treatment and a disengagement is whether you can contact us (albeit not actually get a response) if you can it is silent treatment. If not, it is a disengagement.

There will also be occasions where the absence starts as a silent treatment and then becomes a disengagement. This is where we have doled out a silent treatment to obtain fuel and bed in the person we are seducing and that seduction has been deemed to be successful, hence we install them as primary source, you are disengaged from and the blocking will begin. The silent treatment shifts to become a disengagement through the period of absence.

A further way of determining whether this period of absence is a silent treatment or a disengagement  is to consider what has happened in the run up to the period of absence. As I wrote in 5 Reasons We Discard You there are five primary reasons  which bring about your discard. If you can ascertain that this has happened (admittedly it is not always obvious) prior to the period of disengagement, you will have a greater idea that you have been disengaged from rather than being subjected to a silent treatment.

Accordingly if you have

  1. Worked us out and reduced your fuel provision considerably;
  2. Realised that there is a new primary source;
  3. Become broken and numb so you are not functioning;
  4. Caused a major exposure of our behaviour; or
  5. Intentionally wounded us repeatedly through fuel free criticism

then these are reasons for you to be disengaged from.

For those who wonder why I state disengage rather than discard, well,  the reality is that there is no such thing as a discard. It is instead a dis-engagement. If you are the primary source we are no longer interested in you and it is as if you have ceased to exist and we have (at the point of disengagement) no desire to interact with you ever again (of course this attitude changes at a later point when we commence our hoovering of you when we start our devaluation of your replacement). If you are an intimate partner secondary source, you will be placed on the shelf as we focus on the primary source or another intimate partner secondary source who we think will make a better prospect for promotion than you.

We eventually come knocking and therefore this dis-engagement ought to be treated as a long period of silence whereby you can recover and build you defences. Of course, it is more usually the case that you have no idea why we have departed and in your confused and emotional state you do not know the difference between a silent treatment and a discard.

Now you do.

 

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Why Does The Narcissist Get Rid Of You?

 

WHY DOESTHE NARCISSISTGET RIDOF YOU?

 

 

The discard. Treated like refuse. Cast aside. Thrown away. Jettisoned. Abandoned.

As you know, the word Dis-Enagement is more accurate but for the sake of familiarity I will continue with the use of discard in this article, but do understand there is no finality associated with this act.

You may actually be told that the Formal Relationship is at an end.

More usually, you are left wondering if the end has come, a further parting coup de grace to add to the cocktail of bewilderment, anxiety, misery, pain and carnage that has been left behind by our kind.

I have explained what triggers the discard, a variety of different circumstances which give rise to you being dropped, but whilst you may understand how those circumstances cause you to be discarded, there remains certain nagging questions. Why go to such effort to only leave you in the dust? Why get rid of you if we need you for fuel? Why get rid of you if we are only going to come back and hoover you?

Once again these apparent contradictions only serve to prolong your confusion. Indeed, so much of our behaviour is inherently contradictory because in being so, this allows us to generate misunderstanding and misery on your part. That equates to fuel, that equates to stopping you moving forward and escaping us and it equates to creating something that we will come back to.

Why do we go to such effort to seduce you if all we are going to do is fling you to one side?

First of all, when we seduce you, we see the manifestation of our enduring hope that you are The One, that you possess the unlimited supply of fuel which will put an end to our seemingly never-ending quest for fuel. You will provide fuel which is potent, plentiful and permanent. This is what we want. The person that means never again shall we have to seek fuel from another source. No longer need we engage in so many manipulations to keep our lifeblood flowing. Everything that we have ever wanted and ever needed is finally within our grasp. Such a promise means that we must go to such lengths to seduce you. You are our Holy Grail, restitution will be poured on our lips from that chalice and in so doing, you will grant us freedom. Freedom from the hunting, the chasing, the harvesting and the extracting. Relief from this burden that we carry – some of us doing so far more effectively than others – each and every day. This prospect is why we must seduce you, bind us to us and keep you as ours. We do not set out to discard you. That is furthest from our minds when we look into your eyes. It makes perfect sense for us to give you everything that we know that you want if that means you will remain with us and give us our precious fuel. It is a transaction. We grant you the illusion of the perfect love and in return you are to provide us with our perfect fuel. It is the ultimate deal.

 

Why get rid of you if we need you for fuel?

When we dispose of you, it is precisely because of our need for fuel that you are discarded. You no longer provide us with the fuel that we desire. It does not matter if from your perspective you are just as loving as you are now as you were when we first met. It does not matter that you have crawled across broken glass to fulfill our needs. It becomes irrelevant how much you continue to adore us, worship us, beg us and strive each and every day to accord with what you think that we want. You are second-guessing us to the extent that you no longer even know who you are. Your thoughts become dominated as our thoughts – what will he say to this, how will he react to that, what is the best thing to do now, should I stay or go? You can give and give and give but when the discard comes, it just is no longer enough. From our perspective, you have failed us. We must place all of this blame on you, for we have to remain blameless. Most of our kind do not recognize any culpability because they have no insight, but there are those of us, the highers, the greaters, who know you have done all you can but it is not enough. Still we must blame you, because that is the way it has to be. We are to remain superior, you are to remain inferior, because if we allow that balance to shift, then we are no longer in control and if we lose control we lose ourselves.

Yes, the rampant paranoia will cause even those of us who are greaters to continue to blame you, you are but an agent of the vicious world, a manifestation that has been sent to topple us from our lofty perch. But we also know that we must continue to blame you, even when we recognise there is no blame or perhaps less blame, because we must at all times, in all circumstances exert control. We dare not countenance what would happen if it were any other way. To do so would be to entertain the unthinkable. Extinction.

Thus, your failure is both believed and manufactured and you must be discarded because we need the fresh, edifying and invigorating fuel from elsewhere. The shiny, new and exciting appliance that has been successfully embedded during your devaluation. If this has not happened, then it is in progress or quite possibly, although rarely, about to happen, if the discard has occurred as a consequence of an emergency measure.

Our need for this glorious and fresh fuel means you have to go. We do not care if this seems unfair from your perspective. This is what has to happen. We need fuel. You are no longer providing it as we require it. You are discarded. The positive fuel has lost its lustre, the negative fuel has dimmed and so because all is as the fuel orders it to be, we must attach to the new appliance and cast you to one side.

 

Why get rid of you if we are only coming to come back and hoover you?

This suggests that we may as well keep hold of you if we are only going to return to you at some later juncture. Why don’t we just maintain a grip on you and save ourselves the bother of hoovering – and you the pain of discard – and keep the Formal Relationship going?

There are four elements to this answer

  1. Punishment. You let us down and we must maintain the façade that you let us down – part of the maintenance of control which I describe above – and for that you should be punished. We should not be let down. We should be given what we want, after all we consider ourselves as so entitled, therefore in failing to give us what we want and need you are in the wrong and we know only too well that if you are wrong then punishment follows. That is the way that it always has been. By discarding you in such a harsh and callous manner, we are able to dole out a punishment to you and thus we feel in control once again. You took away our fuel, that means you exerted control over something that belonged to us. We do not like you to do that, in fact we hate it. Thus, the discard allows us to punish you for this heinous act and assert control once again.
  2. Shame. Whilst our kind would never admit it outside of this arena, shame follows us like some spectre through our lives. Shame drives many of our behaviours and it is sufficient to state no more about that in the context of shame’s role with your discard. We thought you were The One and we got it wrong. This makes us feel ashamed because this failure is a reminder of something we would much rather forget about, the weakness that threatens to escape and consume us. We are ashamed that we chose badly, we are ashamed that we have been fooled again by picking The False One. Of course it would never do to admit this to you or somebody else and thus you have to be discarded. Like some diseased limb which shames the rest of the body, you must be amputated, like some infected clothing you are torn away and thrown to one side, our revulsion at our own shame causing us to fling you away. Once you have been discarded, the shame abates and we can be what we want to be once again, grand, superior, omnipotent and brilliant.
  3. Contrast. If you have not had sex for some time, when you eventually do, is it not usually the case that the sensation is all the more heightened, the orgasm more intense and the experience all the more rewarding? If you abstain from your favourite chocolate, do not drink for a month, refrain from smoking, or attending your favourite restaurant, is it not the case that when you reinstate these things it is so much better? Indeed, it is and this is just as applicable to you. By discarding you we are also allowing us to experience fuel from elsewhere so that when we hoover you, your fuel becomes delicious and amazing once again. If we remained with you, drawing the fuel that has become stale, this would never happen. We need to discard you to prime the pump for the future need. At the time of the discard, we do not envisage returning to you, but invariably it must happen because of the rule of fuel.
  4. Potency. If we had not dis-engaged from you, we would not be given the opportunity to flex our hoover muscles and demonstrate our power by drawing fuel form you once again, with or without the restitution of the Formal Relationship. Hoover fuel is potent because of the contrast and the break from your fuel, but also because we are drawing it from someone who may well have resisted our overtures – or ought to have done so – and this provides us with a huge sense of omnipotence. Imagine, we treat someone disgracefully, fling them to one side and then with our powers of persuasion and seduction we bring them back to us, to do what we want again. That is power. If we had not discarded you, then this we could not do this.

 

These are the reasons we dis-engage from you.

As ever you are blameless, but we must make you to blame.

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The Final Discard

THE FINAL

“He told me he never wanted to see me again so long as he was alive. That is it. This time it  really is over.”

“She told me I was useless, pathetic, that she hated me and she would call the police if I came near her again. I don’t understand what is going on, but all I know that is the absolute end.”

“He made it clear that there is no future for us, that he cannot stand the sight of me and that he wants me packed and gone by morning. This is it. It really is it, this time.”

“She has taken everything and left me a letter explaining that she cannot do it any more, that she needs to find herself, whatever that means and there is no future for us together. I knew this was coming, I could tell, I have been given the final discard.”

The final discard. The curtain of conclusion. The guillotine of totality.

It really is over.

So often victims of our kind distinguish between being discarded and then there is (await dramatic music) the FINAL discard. There is being kicked to one side by us but the prospect of being hoovered back in and then there is the final discard whereby you have been removed from your association with us and it is the end of the entanglement and there will be no more engagement between you and I.

Victims often consider declaring that this time is the final discard and they do this for two reasons, which, interestingly are conflicting.

The first reason is that they desperately hope that it is not the final discard at all and that when they explain to whoever is listening to them recount the minute my minute dynamic of this final discard, that the person will tell them that it is not. The victim is hoping that the listener will provide some cogent reason, some piece of evidence which will explain that it cannot be the final discard and thus fulfil that which blazes at the heart of all empathic individuals; hope.

The victim does not want the entanglement to end. He or she cannot bear the pain. They do not want this to be their exile, their abandonment or their expulsion. They want to remain with us but fear that this time it really is the end and they are crying out for somebody to tell them that it is not, just so they can cling to a hope.

The second reason is because the victim does indeed hope that it is over so they are freed from our monstrous clutches. They want that to be the end. The victim, either at the time or sometime after this final discard, having gained some knowledge and understanding, ascertains that what they did caused significant wounding (although often they are wrong about that) and that this wounding was to such a degree that it sent us packing with our tail between our legs, skulking away, broken, humiliated and shame pouring from us, so that we will never, ever dare risk returning to you. The victim concludes that what they did has sent us packing and we will not darken their doorstep or inbox again. It is an understandable conclusion to reach.

There is no such thing as a final discard.

There is no such thing as a discard.

There is only ever dis-engagement.

This is because in our minds you belong to us and the Narcissistic Relationship lasts until you die or we die. That is only when finality applies to our connection. You are our property. You are our fuelling appliance. You are good and then you are bad. You are of use and then you are of no use. And then you are of use again.

We have invested time and energy in you. We want to reap the benefits time and time again.

If you are our primary source, we will dis-engage with you. We paint you black and do not want anything more to do with you at that time. It may appear as if we have ‘discarded’ you, but it is merely the termination of the Formal Relationship. You are not our girlfriend, partner, wife any longer. The Narcissistic Relationship persists. We do not draw fuel from you, we do not take your character traits, we do not take your residual benefits. You are deleted as we enter a golden period with a new primary source.

If you are an intimate secondary source, we will dis-engage with you. You are placed on the shelf, back in the cupboard, ready for the next time we want to engage with you. You are not deleted. You are just not required. For now. There is no discard. You usually are not devalued. If you are, then you have offended us and there will be a dis-engagement and a termination of the Formal Relationship of booty call, friend with benefits, shag partner.

If you are a non-intimate secondary source, we dis-engage with you. You are placed on the shelf again until the next time we wish to engage with you. Most NISSs do not notice this happen because they regard it as a natural lull in between meeting up, speaking and so forth. Again, it is rare for the NISS to be devalued, but if you are, then you have offended us and the Formal Relationship is terminated. You are no longer our friend.

If you are a tertiary source be it intimate or non-intimate, you will be put to one side as we dis-engage. There is no Formal Relationship to terminate. We may return to you or we may not. It depends on our fuel needs.

Thus, you need to understand that there is only ever a dis-engagement. The Narcissistic Relationship persists. If there is no devaluation, we consider the Formal Relationship to remain in place – thus you remain our booty call, our friend – but we have no need to call on you at the present time. If there is devaluation, then the Formal Relationship is over – you are no longer our wife, you are not our boyfriend, you are not the friend or friend with benefits and we dis-engage.

It is usually us who decide on this dis-engagement. Whether there is devaluation and dis-engagement or just dis-engagement, it is invariably us that makes this decision. If you reject us then it is an escape and of course we will endeavour to hold on to you.

What though of the situation where you have actually wounded us considerably, either as we dis-engaged or more likely, when you make your escape? Surely that brings about finality? That must mean we do not want to engage with you any longer because you have mortally wounded us and as a consequence if you did this as we dis-engaged with you, then we will never return yes? If you did it as part of the escape you implemented, then is it not correct to state that we will not hoover you?

No.

As mentioned many times, there is always a risk that we will come back and hoover you. There needs to be a Hoover Trigger activated by you entering a sphere of influence. Thereafter, the Hoover Execution Criteria has to be achieved. This includes various matters to balance, some increasing the risk of meeting the criteria, others diminishing that risk.

This includes

  • the type of narcissist you are dealing with
  • how your fuel was regarded
  • whether you provided character traits
  • whether you provided residual benefits
  • whether you are with somebody new
  • whether you have recovered from a position of being broken or not
  • how easy it is to contact you
  • how easy it is to make physical contact with you
  • whether we know you have been lamenting our dis-engagement
  • whether you have been angry about our dis-engagement
  • whether there are outstanding issues – money, property etc
  • whether there are obstacles
  • whether there is a risk of wounding

Thus you can see the savage wounding you may have inflicted on the last occasion we interacted is but a consideration in the criteria. Yes, it may well be an important consideration when viewed against the other criteria but it will not itself amount to a final discard.

No matter how damning we were about you, how we may well have used words such as “never”, “do not”, “forever” or “always”, we are pragmatists. It is the practical need of fuel which governs all that we do. Contradiction and hypocrisy do not concern us. We can perform a 180 degree turn, a volte face or a complete turnaround and it matters not. Those were yesterday’s words.

We do not discard.

We will always come back IF the Hoover Trigger is activated and the Hoover Execution Criteria are met.

There is no final discard.

And that is my final word on the matter.

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The Post Discard Battle – Pt 1

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Everything we do is regarding as a battle. It is a zero sum game. What you lose, we gain. There may appear to be a “win/win” scenario during seduction but it is not the case. Believe me, we are getting what we want, positive fuel in huge quantities and the repeated binding as we draw you closer and closer to us. You are made to feel like a queen but you will be deposed and beheaded or defenestrated in due course. You always pay for the golden period we shower you with. We draw up our battle plans when we ready ourselves to seduce you. The greater of us adopt the approach of every battle is won before it is fought. The lesser of our kind remain effective but they rely on being a blunt weapon, not possessing the intellectual finesse of us greaters. The lesser plans less and relies on the visceral (unknown) need for fuel to drive his battle strategy. His is all about reaction and immediate response, an automatic adjustment, which is invariably successful because he has been blessed with those tools, blunt as they may be.

          Our engagement with you is not love. It is war. We conquer, overrun and blitzkrieg you into submission. We occupy you so that your heart and mind fall to us within moments. This army of occupation does not stop there as it raids the land it now resides in. Your resources become our resources and we ensure that our supply lines are fed from your assets. The occupation eventually takes a savage turn through devaluation as we slash and burn, looking to grind you into the dirt before leaving you a stripped, bomb-blasted shell and setting off for a new campaign against some unsuspecting target. The theme of battle and your entanglement with our kind being a battleground, is one which is repeated throughout your engagement with us.

          This is especially so once the callous discard has taken place. It is then that you find yourself confronted with three battles which take place one after the other. Not only do you have us as our foe but in an especially unappealing turn of events you find that in fact you are actually fighting against yourself. The first battle following discard is the emotional one. You have been left with no explanation. If one was tendered it made no sense. You cannot reconcile where you are with what has been. The descent from gilded pillar into the dust has been swift and merciless. Every day you have run the gauntlet of scores of emotions, which has drained you, eroded you and taken a significant toll on your well-being. Your emotions are red raw, heightened and easy to trigger. Your pain is extensive, agonising and brutal and it is during this emotional battle that your ally of cool, detached thinking has not fled the battlefield, it never turned up to begin with. Your ability to assess, rationalise and consider your position with the necessary critical analysis evades you. All you are left with is a cauldron of emotion, which serves only to heighten your distress and your confusion. Nothing makes sense and you have not been left in a position to make any sense of what has happened. This is entirely deliberate. I know so many of you use the phrase “hot mess”. This is entirely apt. You are a mess. Your life is a mess. The heat comes from your raging emotions as you veer between hysteria and anger.

          Of the three battles that you fight post discard, the emotional battle, the first, is the one which you invariably end up losing. This is because you are utterly ill-equipped. If you were an army your troops would be sharing guns, you would not know which way to face, your supply lines have been overstretched and in some places broken and the enemy seems to appear at will. The fog of war obscures your vision. Is that us advancing or just the silhouette of a tree? You cannot tell. Once you could, but no longer. It is a tortuous place and one which has been created through our design in order to ensure that when return (and we will) you will be in no position to resist. Weakened, governed by emotion rather than intellect you will be overrun easily. This is when the hoover operates. This battle, where all you have is emotion, means that you want the pain to stop. You want the golden period again. You give no consideration or thought to what might be the price of such desires, or whether it really is the golden period once more. You are ruled by emotion and this proves to be your downfall. We know this and this is why we ensure you are a churning, broiling scorching crucible of emotion. We create it, we want that. This is why your first attempt at no contact (without the benefit of specialist input) nearly always falls. You are not equipped to prolong it because in this emotional battle all it takes is for us to come galloping over the hill once again, offering terms of the golden period and you surrender in an instant allowing us to occupy your territory once more in the understandable but ultimately forlorn hope of a peaceful co-existence.

          How do you win this emotional battle? You cannot. You are in such a position that we always win this battle. The key however is not to participate in this battle but rather avoid it altogether. If you know there is a battle you cannot win, why would you ever fight it? You would not. You would evade your foe, take steps to bolster your defences and seek to avoid this emotional battle. This is what you must do. Once you have gained awareness of the foe you are engaged with, possibly during seduction or more likely through the period of devaluation, you must then take those steps to prepare yourself. You either avoid the emotional battle altogether by escaping rather than being discarded. Alternatively, you steel yourself for the inevitable discard so that the emotional fallout is massively reduced and instead you find yourself transported to the second battle that takes places post discard which I shall expand on in a further article.

          If you have been discarded, then you face the emotional battle and you will lose. You must avoid the emotional battle in its entirety or engage on terms in the second battle which follows post discard.

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Where’s My Hoover?

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The hoover. The useful word that is utilised to describe the classic move of our kind to bring you back under our control, our spell and into our world once again. Of course we apply several different hoovers during the course of your entanglement with us, but let’s focus on the hoover which takes place following the cessation of the formal relationship between you and our kind. When I make reference to the formal relationship, I mean the concept (in your world) of you and us being together as intimate partners. Of course in our world, the relationship will last forever because of the unwritten contract you unwittingly entered into when you became entangled with us. This means we are entitled to draw fuel from you until such time as one of us draws our last breath and in that sense there is this Narcissistic Relationship and then there is the Formal Relationship, the latter being the conventional perception of when two people are involved with one another. Accordingly, once the Formal Relationship has come to an end, either through your escape or more frequently through the discard, there are then three potential hoovers which can occur.

 

  1. The Initial Grand Hoover;
  2. The Benign Follow-up Hoover; and
  3. The Malign Follow-up Hoover

You find yourself in the situation that the Formal Relationship has ended but where is the hoover? You have perhaps realised what you have been involved with and undertaken some reading and there is repeated mention of this hoover which is meant to happen but so far there has been nothing? Why is that? How come you have not been hoovered by your narcissist? Many of you would be delighted to find yourself in such a position, able to focus on yourself rather than worrying about being confronted by our kind and subjected to a hoover. The apparent failure of our kind to hoover however does cause victims to, in accordance with their nature, to then wonder why this has not happened and in turn blame themselves.

“He hasn’t hoovered me. He obviously doesn’t think I am worth wanting back.”

“I haven’t heard anything from him. I feel cheated that he hasn’t tried to hoover me.”

“I want him to hoover me. There are things I want to say to him now I know better what has happened.”

“There hasn’t been a hoover. That makes me feel invalidated.”

“He has been silent. I want him to win me back.”

Accordingly, if no hoover has been forthcoming you are still left feeling bewildered and miserable. The effects of our behaviour are far-reaching indeed. It may appear odd to the external observer that you would want to have interaction again with someone who has abused you, but there are several reasons why victims want that hoover to happen.

  1. You want the Formal Relationship to begin again. You are still caught up in the emotional sea of believing that things can be put right, that somehow the problems that occurred can be overcome and fixed. If we hoover you, you will willingly submit so we are together again.
  2. An opportunity to resist the hoover in order to let our kind know that you are not to be messed with anymore. A statement of intent, if you will.
  3. A chance to get things off your chest. You want to say your piece to us. It is often a case of asking “why” but you may also want to lash out at us as a consequence of the way you have been treated.
  4. An opportunity to let us know that you know what we are. That occasion to look us in the eye and tell us you know precisely what we are in order to gauge our reaction to this revelation and empowerment on your part.
  5. To tie up loose ends. There may be financial matters outstanding, there might be possessions to hand over, post and so on.
  6. The chance to be validated. Surely if we meant all those things we said during the golden period then we must want you again. That has to be right hasn’t it?

Subject to the school of narcissist you are dealing with, we have varying degrees of awareness about these factors which means we know that you are susceptible to our potential hoover and that it may well meet with success, leaving aside other factors such as the type of narcissist we are and the effort we will expend on the hoover.

You want the hoover to happen, but it does not appear to have taken place. Why is that?

  1. You may have been hoovered but not realised. The post escape/discard hoovers are not just there to bring you back to us. Sometimes we do not want that to happen but we would rather obtain fuel from you.
  2. The Initial Grand Hoover is always deployed to win you back and resume the Formal Relationship;
  3. The Benign Follow-Up Hoover (which comes after the IGH) may seek the resumption of the Formal Relationship but is also deployed purely to draw positive fuel from you and/or to fact find;
  4. The Malign Hoover seeks only to draw negative fuel

Accordingly, two out of the three post escape/discard hoovers may purely be about drawing fuel from you or fact-finding. Thus, if you think that a hoover is only about starting the relationship again you may have not thought that the telephone call which came from our number but we did not speak when you answered was not a hoover. It was. Fuel would have been drawn from the manner in which you answered (a nervous hello, an angry answer or a hopeful salutation) but it was also done to fact find. Would you answer? How would you answer? This is then used to formulate the nature of further hoovers. The sending of an invitation to sign up to a particular application does not cause the resumption of the Formal Relationship but it may draw Thought Fuel and is certainly a fact finding step designed to see how you will respond. Accordingly, you may well have been hoovered but not realised it.

  1. The hoover may not actually come from us. You may be hoovered by proxy through one of our lieutenants or a member of our coterie asking you questions about what you are up to, whether you have thought about us, how you are getting on and so forth. This information along with your reaction will be relayed to us and we gather fuel and a fact find from it.
  2. We may have contacted you directly and been charming but not encouraged you to come back to us or we may have been nasty. Either way, these are hoovers and are designed to draw fuel from you even though there was no attempt to start the Formal Relationship again.
  3. You may not actually be giving us any opportunity to hoover you. There are two instances when this arises: –
  4. You are contacting us so often and repeatedly in order to get answers and/or start the relationship again that we do not need to hoover you. You won’t leave us alone.
  5. You have placed yourself in a position whereby we are not able to contact you at all.
  6. It is too early. When you have been discarded we are infatuated and pre-occupied with your replacement as primary source of fuel. Therefore, we have no need to hoover you. We are focused on this person and they are meeting our fuel needs. You have been deleted from our mind and therefore there is no need for us to hoover you. This could last for a number of months before you even pop into our heads again. Many victims expect the hoover to happen within a week or so of discard. This might happen but it is more often the case that a longer time period will elapse between discard and hoover.
  7. You remain out of the spheres of influence. You do not do anything to come up on our radar. You either have not appeared in our sixth sphere of influence (our thoughts) yet or if you have we may have decided against instigating a hoover because it is less feasible, the energy involved is not something we wish to expend or we may have an alternative person to hoover who is a better prospect than you (for example the ex before you who lives nearer to us).

Thus there are many reasons why that hoover has not yet happened. Can you make a hoover happen? Yes, you can. If you want it to happen, you are best designing a way to enter one of our spheres of influence but understand, for the reasons outlined above, it may not happen when you want it to, but it will at some point. After all, in accordance with our total desire for control, we want the hoover to be when we decide, not you.

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‘Til Death Do Us Discard

 

 

The word ‘discard’ is well-known in the lexicon of the narcissistic world. It forms one of the four cornerstones of the narcissistic embrace. The seduction, the devaluation, the discard and the hoover. Discard brings with it a sense of finality. The impression that we have extracted everything we can from you and that we are finally done with you. You have served your purpose and we no longer have any use for you. I do not think discard is an accurate description. We certainly toss you aside with no concern for your well-being or emotional state. We suddenly stop communicating with you. You cannot contact us as we vanish, walking off the face of the earth. If you receive some kind of half-baked explanation, then you ought to consider yourself as lucky to receive even that. We are, however, never done with you. The discard as such is a temporary cessation to the dance that you and I engage in.

I have written elsewhere of the main reasons why we discard and chief among them is the fact that we have acquired a new toy. You are old, stale and no fun anymore so you are left at the bottom of the toy box as we become infatuated with our new shiny and glittering toy. Of course your discard is not permanent. Once I selected you, you had a role to fulfil for the rest of your life when it comes to me. You have no choice, so far as I am concerned, in respect of this role. I assigned it to you and I regard you as obligated to carry it out forever. I may decide that I require you again for the purposes of triangulation. I may want the new primary source to pump out even more positive fuel because they feel threatened by your re-appearance. Like some corpse, we resurrect you in order to unnerve the new primary source. We will hoover you and tempt you with the prospect of winning our favour once again. When we triangulate you in this fashion you can rest assured that what is being said to you will be said in a similar way to the new primary source. We may comment to you: –

“She is just someone to pass the time with, she is nowhere near as special as you are to me.”

Around the same time, we will be telling your replacement primary source,

“Don’t worry about her. She cannot let go. I am not surprised really because I did so much for her, but it is you I want, you are so special, far more than she ever was.”

You are spurred on by such encouragement and double your efforts to please me in the hope of winning me back. The replacement is spurred on by such encouragement and she doubles her efforts to keep me and ensure you prove to be no temptation to me.

We will bring you back if the new prospect turns out to be less effective than we thought. We decide that they need to be consigned to the scrap heap quicker than usual and therefore we will turn to that person we know. You. We know all about you and how you will react and therefore it is far easier to return to you and hoover you than seek someone new again. This has the added benefit that the passage of time will have allowed you to recover from our abuse but also the longing that we imbue in you, when we discard, will continue to gnaw away at you and thus when we decide we have ended the “discard” you are easy to hoover.

We may be utterly delighted with your replacement but decide we will end the “discard” in order to punish you further. At this stage we have no interest in engaging in a romantic and intimate relationship with you again. Your replacement serves that role most effectively. No, we want to punish you. We will hoover you in an unpleasant and savage way, smearing you and parading your replacement around to all and sundry and explaining how wonderful it is to be with someone who truly understands us, loves us and is not abusive as you were.

We may toss you aside and come nowhere near you for weeks, months and even years. We know that the nature of this “discard” is such that no matter how hard you try; you remain vulnerable to being sucked back in. This is because you have not been able to cope with the ever presence we created and your frequent reminders of the golden period. It is also because you want answers, finality and understanding and because we flounced off the face of the earth, you did not get those things and the desire to receive them remains strong even years later.

We do not truly discard you. We push you to one side but you serve many purposes afterwards. You recover so your fuel provision increases again, you are the provider of both positive and negative fuel, dependent on how we hoover you. You are needed for the triangulations we wish to deploy. This cycle of picking you up and putting you down again, as and when suits us, is one that will go on and on until such time as you decide to break the pattern of “discards” and escape instead. Of course when you try to escape us we do not regard this as ending our binding arrangement. You are mis-guided, perhaps listening to the biased voices of others which is affecting your judgement. You, in our minds, do not get to choose when the arrangement ends. All the way through our lives, we will use you and then push you to one side before coming back again at some future point. If you allow us the means of contact by drifting into our sphere of influence again then we will hoover you, because the opportunity is too good to pass up. You are then drawn in, the cycle commences once more and a further “discard” will happen. You can see by the repeated nature of this process that there is no real discard, only a temporary cessation to our entanglement, but one tendril always remains wrapped around, continuing the connection so that we can draw you back in at our choice.

Even if you take steps whereby you expose us for what we are or reveal us to other people who accept what you say, we will withdraw to lick our wounds but this discard is temporary also. We still want your fuel and we want it badly. We also have a desire for revenge. We may not resume matters in a benign method when this happens and instead opt for the malign approach in order to extract fuel, but the entanglement will begin again at some future point.

We put you down but you can always be picked up again. Rest assured that this will happen repeatedly and even if you think the nature of the discard was so harsh, so savage and seemed so final, it was not. We will return, if able and do it all again.

The only true discard of our toxic entanglement is when of us dies. Only then is there finality.

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