Who am I ?

I have been given a label by those have been charged with treating me. I am labelled a narcissist. A narc. That label is irrelevant. Why? Because I am your husband, your mother, your sister, your boyfriend, your best friend, your boss, your neighbour and your favourite film star. I am everywhere. You need to wake up and realise this.

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159 thoughts on “Who am I ?”

      1. I want to be free of the interference of these doctors so if that means going along with this supposed treatment I will do it. I suppose it will be interesting spending time with these intelligent people (although sometimes the things they ask do bring that intelligence into question). I toyed with becoming a doctor but I realised that I would have to touch people too often and I don’t like doing that. I am clever enough to be one but the tactile element sickens me.

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    1. Interestingly they have not discussed any question of progress with me. I suspect that is incompetence on their part. It seems I am in some kind of evaluation phase that is the beginning of my treatment. They talk about “my treatment” but I am not yet aware of what they are actually seeking to treat.

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      1. By all means. I am at risk of losing an inheritance if I do not undergo treatment. In order to remain in the will, I have agreed to have the treatment.

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      1. She makes things up. For example she will accuse me of flirting with other women when I have been merely talking to them. She will read too much into comments that I make, eg she will import a negative connotation when none was intended. It can be tiring.

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      2. Wow. This sounds just like me and my soon to be ex-husband of 11 mths. Am I the only one pestering you with questions today? Lol

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      3. You aren’t pestering me. I like to establish a dialogue with people. I think everyone else must be feeling rather shy ! Why will your husband become your ex-husband?

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      4. Because he manipulated me and took advantage of me for his own personal gain (controlling my time) and I hate him and will NEVER forgive him. His loss, my gain. I deserve better and can no doubt do much better as his old ass is almost 60 and I’m only 44. My life is just starting.😃

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      5. I delight in the drama as this gives me attention which provides me with fuel. I don’t know about the heartache as I focus on what it does for me rather than how someone else feels about what I do.

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      1. I try to imagine being in someone else’s shoes but I just cannot do it. It makes me feel weak so I choose not to even try anymore. Besides, they don’t even polish their shoes for me to try them on !

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      1. I have not had any meaningful feedback so far. I have been told that the sessions are about exploring my views to enable those working with me to ascertain them and reflect on them. Dr O explained that I needed to understand my behaviour and then to deconstruct it. She did mention that this would take time. I was not pleased to hear this as I want to get these sessions over and done with. I have been co-operative however. That much they have told me.

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      1. What drove you to break the law? Being how smart you are, why not just find another way besides breaking the law? Did you perhaps just lose control?

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    1. You are welcome. When you are in love with a partner, do you get jealous when your partner spends time with others? Example, her kids, parents, siblings, and friends? Just curious .

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      1. I am not jealous of them. I know they are not of my calibre. I do become infuriated though. I can’t understand why, for example, a girlfriend would want to spend time with them and not me. I find that insulting and it annoys me considerably.

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      1. 1. How do you feel about these people accusing you of breaking the law and forcing you to undergo treatment? 2. Did you seek revenge?

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    1. What if that makes her sad, knowing that you don’t like it when she spends time with her child who does not have a father ? It seems as if mother and child are paying a huge price. I don’t understand that . Her underage child is her job to raise. That cannot be neglected.

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      1. She does not have a child. If you mean hypothetically, it is difficult for me to envisage her with children. I don’t see why she can feel sad as she would be happy spending time with me.

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    1. Hello Amber, it is not yet clear to me what they are trying to treat as there isn’t anything wrong with me. They talk about me needing to gain insight and have explained that writing down my thought and observations and interacting with people who are interested in me is part of that process. So here I am !

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      1. Talking a virtual walk down memory lane to see if your posts in the beginning resonate differently as I’m not in such a shocked fog anymore and feel more enlightened.
        I know you don’t want Dr. E & Dr. O to read or plant themselves in your blog. But in your answer to Amber above part of your treatment is to report on your interactions with all of us and your observations.
        I’m curious what have you learned from all of us? If anything? Has this proven to be a good experience for you with your treatment? Would you miss it if you suddenly stopped? Or be glad to be rid of us and all of our questions?
        Part of narcissism is having misogynistic tendencies. I’ve caught in some blogs or books when you are referring to your frustration or rage rising with an intimate partner, you do refer to them at times, generally speaking as an “ungrateful bitch”. In Sex & the Narcissist, there were at times undertones of viewing women as whores or as a piece of meat. Does it get difficult at times on the blog dealing with many emotional women (hands down, me included) and their scenarios on a daily basis?
        Like I said, I discovered you as if by fate, on your 1st blog, and it’s interesting to go back and see how your writing has evolved over several months. Nicely done H.G.

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      2. An interesting and may I say worthwhile exercise Clarece. What have I learned from all of you? You are to learn from me surely?! I have learned much about you which, in the majority of cases (with one or two notable exceptions) that those who interact with me fall into one of two camps. There are those who are still very much struggling with what has happened to them but they are willing to stomach the discomfort and put aside their understandable prejudices in order to gain understanding for their own benefit. The second camp are those who are more advanced and whilst the hurt remains it is not so raw and those in this group still wish to understand so they can move on and in a way use their interaction with me as a test of how far they have come. In both instances I find the posters intelligent, interesting and I read everything that is posted. I do not always comment but I am fascinated in reading about people’s experiences and observations on what I write. I also enjoy seeing you interact with one another, just as long as you don’t forget about me !
        Has it proven to be a good experience with my treatment? It has added to my understanding of what I am and the effect of what I do (or my kind do) on people such as yourselves.
        Would I miss what? The blog and the commenters? If you mean that, yes I would. I enjoy writing, I freely admit this provides me with fuel (both positive and negative) although not as great as if the interactions were in person and I enjoy the interaction. Your questions amount to attention so I would not be glad to be rid of them.
        It does not get difficult dealing with the emotion because it is all fuel for me and I welcome people expressing themselves. Gratuitous insults are still fuel but they do not add anything to the discussion and as an intelligent man I do want people to discuss things. I understand why people vent and they are welcome to do so but I do like them to add something to the debate to discussion as well where possible. I appreciate it where people link their own experience in to something that I have written so there is an acknowledgement and resonance. The only time I find it irritating is when neediness is exhibited. It is fine at first as fuel but as time goes on I find it tiresome because it is not all about that person and this of course runs contrary to what I want. I am pleased to say though that the instances of neediness from commenters are very low, but if there is one think that will irk me, it is that. (Don’t you all start being needy by the way just to try and draw a rise from me!!) Thanks for your questions.

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      3. Very interesting to hear your perspective on that! I’m sure many of your readers are glad to hear if you had to stop the blog, you would miss it some and us! Have any of your readers posed a scenario or stumped you on something that has made you need to discuss with the doctors?

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  1. Hi, wamted to know if you have more than 1 girlfriend, I believe you use to be married? When u said you love the idealization stage its about, being happy, making them happy, so much attraction, wanting to see them and feel all that, do u feel happy and excited? Knowing they’re are others does any one feel more important or special or are the just there to validate you, in otherwords, you refuse to leave one alone even though theyre had always been orhers in your life and still are

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    1. Hello Kelly, thank you for your question. Yes I used to be married. Yes I do have more than one current girlfriend. I do feel happy when I am seducing someone. I suppose the best way of describing it is that I “fizz” because my interaction with them fills me up with a sense of importance and knowing that they admire me, makes me feel that I matter. Do I regard one as more important or special than the others? That’s an interesting question – are you Dr E using a pseudonym?! I find N to be special at present over the other two. I don’t leave T and V out (I’ve used initials as they are current) because I need to keep them involved in the equation too. If N annoys me, I can just go and see T and it pleases me that I can do this and N does not know. That makes me feel powerful.

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      1. There is not set time period. According to Dr E it will take quite a while, whatever that means. I suspect you have plenty of time to ask as much as you like.

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      2. Have you ever revealed who you were married to with a post on a past girlfriend? How long did your marriage last? Current girlfriends here, N, T, & V, gone now and replaced by Kim who write about currently? Are N, T or V still in the picture?

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      3. Was your marriage earlier on post college graduation or in later years? Did the one you decided to take a chance on and marry have characteristics reminding you of Amanda? Was there something different about her that made you think the positive fuel would sustain?

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  2. Hi, I am responding to something much earlier, didnt ser your response and thank you. You were using initials so may I ask why N is special right now, whats different with N than the others? I sound pathetic but I’m intetested

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    1. Hello Diva, how is the coast? I enjoy being by the sea, especially in winter. A forlorn wind whipping foam off those churning grey waves beneath the mantle of a leaden sky. It has its own charm as the sea spray lashes against your face. I live with myself quite readily for there is no other choice.

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      1. And down the rabbit hole I go….Having been in relationships with two of your kind, I have questions, many of them. However I shall lurk some more and see if you have already answered them, I’ve fuelled enough fires.

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  3. HG,
    I’ve read most of your books but just recently found you’re blog, so I’m reading through and catching up. Regarding your treatment, have your doctors ever discussed the possibility that you may fall under anti social personality disorder? I know you describe yourself as a malignant narcissist but there is a very fine line between that and being labeled a sociopath. All sociopaths are narcissists but obviously not all narcissists are sociopaths. I’ve been told that the biggest way to differentiate the two is that narcissists spend most of their time talking about themselves and sociopaths want their targets to open up and speak about themselves so they can feign like mindedness. I also applaud you for accepting your diagnosis, most N’s will venemently deny that they have a “disorder” regardless of how many facts and examples are shown to them. Once again, you show you’re superiority by having such insight and self awareness😏

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    1. Oh your flattery will get you everywhere ! Still it is true, my awareness arising from my intellect has allowed this insight alongwith some assistance from the good doctors. I certainly resisted admitting what I had my suspicions about since to do so might have opened me up to further criticisms and restrictions but once it became apparent this was not the case I saw many advantages to showing the doctors that I knew what I am. I will expand on that in further blogposts. As to your question concerning ASPD, well I have two responses. The first is yes it has been mentioned and when it did I laughed and declared, “It cannot be so, I am very social. I am the very social narcissist.” The second is I will be writing more about this in articles as my engagement with the good doctors continues so I don’t want to spoil it by detailing it in my answer to you.

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      1. I look forward to reading that article. My daughter was diagnosed with Conduct Disorder, a precursor that often leads to ASPD. My daughter is also very social, but very clearly manipulates every one of her ‘friends’ behind the scenes to play the roles she wants them to play. She doesn’t think what she does is out of the ordinary, people must ‘simply do what she tells them to do, think, act or behave’ or else!

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      2. Yes, I have. I’ve even tried to explain to her why her actions were causing the discord and steer her in the right way to handle things. A mistake as it often led to discord and fights between the two of us. Several times it led to intervention by the police as well where she tried to play the role of victim and that it was the other person’s actions that led to her behaviour. Investigation uncovered her lies and manipulations.

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  4. OK – I am completely fascinated by the fact you have a marriage under your belt. What was different about her that you made you hope in til death do you part? Did you stay monogamous prior to the wedding? That could be a whole book in that story! Since you said it came about later on, the marriage and divorce can’t be one of the catalysts that you believe made you this way, right? Have the other 2 catalysts besides Amanda been written about? Although I think I’ve guessed before mother played a huge role and must be catalyst #2.

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    1. Just teasing you. She signed the confidentiality agreement, not me.
      1. Fuel. She was beyond the usual and ticked most of the traits I required in a target.
      2. No.
      3. There may be a book about it, yes.
      4. The marriage/divorce is not a catalyst, correct.
      5. I have written about all three catalysts but not always directly.
      Will that satisfy you Columbo?!

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      1. Very intrigued indeed on this one! What are you ready for another vacation after my interrogation today? Just giving you a big welcome back. You were missed!

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      2. Oh, since you said her fuel was different, did that keep you monogamous for longer than usual or did you still keep the secondary lines going?

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      3. Do you think you formed a bond with her unlike any one else for a period of time? I guess what I’m asking is did you experience real love towards a person that transcended the usual love of her fuel and she was only a prized appliance?

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  5. “I am not jealous of them. I know they are not of my calibre. I do become infuriated though. I can’t understand why, for example, a girlfriend would want to spend time with them and not me. I find that insulting and it annoys me considerably.” This perfectly encapsulates the way a non-narcissist feels, too, in the same boat.

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  6. I hope you can help- I think I know the answer 😉
    I’m in a legal battle with my ex- oh the imagination and lies he has told to get me here!
    I know him better now than I ever did when I was with him!!
    I found out about his cheating- as did “she”, and I know he is taking it out on me. I treated him as though he were “nothing” when I found out and it was like he knew he couldn’t affect me anymore-that I was “done”. He actually made me lose my sanity and dignity throughout our time..
    I want him to drop the case- and want to know – do I need to appear to be distraught and susceptible to him so he feels as though I’m a source of fuel for him again?
    Could this make him drop it? Or will he stop at nothing for finding out and proving his lies to the other woman.. I was approached by her. But he blamed me for it all.. Typically..;)

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    1. Hello Narcfree, what is the nature of the legal dispute? I assume he is bringing the case as you refer to him “dropping it” is that correct?

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  7. He is charging me for harrasment for sending him a bunch of emails on the day I was finding out about it all- yes there were quite a few emails 🙂 pleading emails- which he ignored to a point. He claimed he tried to put a clear end to the relationship 6 months prior when I have his messages from a week prior trying to start over?! And from the last 6 months proving contrary. I really don’t know what he’s thinking – won’t I just bring all this as evidence? Is he really believing his own lies? I feel like because he’s been exposed, This is his revenge- Even though i was approached, And didn’t contact him for 2 days after- I only did to try and organise to collect my things from him- and asked at that point- did he even love me for 1 day.. ( I knew very little about narcissists at that point) He has a child w the other woman too.
    I am in shock- to say the least. It’s abit much isn’t it??

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    1. Yes it is excessive but not surprising. Do you want to fight it? Has there been any scope for you to provide an undertaking not to contact him etc rather than receive a court sanction? He will be delighting in your reaction to this process and the fuel he gets. Even if the case fails because of the evidence he will have extracted fuel during the process.

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      1. Yes I’m fighting as I could get a criminal record- and I just want him to be shut down and humiliated by the court for what he is- a liar at best, to them- He has an AVO taken out on me also so I’m not to contact him. Which was always fine by me..

        Its fine that he is fuel-ling – So long as very soon he won’t affect me anymore and be in my life. I already feel so greatful and free. Court and stress of that aside.

        Do you think he would actually try and creep back in even with what he’s trying to do?
        Could he be that far gone? And would he actually believe all the lies he’s telling? Or does he know. Why go this far? Because now he’s lost 2 sources of consistent potent fuel from the last 2 years and he’s taking it out on me? I’ve exposed his lies so Punishing me further? Not the fact that he caught out for being a lying cheating…. Isn’t he worried he will look like a fool?

        I wonder if you believe in Karma (does your mind go there? )or if it bothers you that you are all actually empty? (no offence- I’m curious)
        Like robots..?
        Do you not care- you just need fuel like a rat needs to scavenge on scraps of food to survive?
        I’m thankful to have come across your books and blog as understanding how you tick has made me void of many questions to do with my time with him. It has also helped me disengage emotionally.

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      2. If you are confident that the evidence will result in the dismissal of the case then allowing the court to make its decision is the only realistic course available to you. If you were to ask him to drop it (even through your lawyer contacting his lawyer) he would regard that as weakness, gain fuel from it and continue with the case. The whole action is designed to try to control you and gain fuel.
        He will believe he will succeed. If he does not then the judge is a fool, your somehow twisted the facts to favour you, his lawyer was incompetent – any number of reasons which will result in him blaming somebody else.
        He will not be concerned about looking a fool. It will be everybody else’s fault, not his. He is right.
        Karma? Never consider it and there is no such thing. It is a device invented by victims to give them hope that somebody will get their just desserts one day. How can that happen then we rules are always changed to suit us?
        I am pleased you have found the blog and my books of use to you. Emotional disengagement from your tormentor is a fundamental step.

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  8. Hello HG, I thought Clarece’s advice about going back and reading your older posts was a great idea. I am not great with technology and had no idea how a blog even worked. Your writing and knowledge keeps me coming back and now I want to know all the pieces of your puzzle. It helps me with mine. I have gone back and read some of them and find them fascinating. Just thought you should know you are still in our thoughts. I just keep reading more books until your return. You even have my boss and therapist asking about you every day. Lol.. I miss you daily.

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    1. Thank you for the shout out SW!! I took some heat for that recommendation so it’s nice to hear someone benefitted from it. Hugs!!

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      1. Good morning Clarece,
        I definitely benefited. I have only been following for three months so I like to learn from the others who have been on this blog a long time. I can tell that you have learned a lot from HG and I have found him to be honest on this blog and extremely accurate. Hugs back to you and HG. Thanks again🍎

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  9. What’s some of your hobbies and interests? And don’t tell me you have none cause you’re a perfect mirror yadda yadda…

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    1. Well it is only right to state that I would look to mirror those of the target but I like the following

      Writing, history (especially 12-17th century English/British History), football, badminton, fencing, shooting, film, literature, fine dining, ballistics and weaponry, watching plays.

      What about you The Pan?

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  10. A lot of pastimes that lead to aggression I see.

    Psychology & temperament systems, film, music, literature, history, nature, dancing, video games, philosophy, health, world cultures, social issues, debate, survival-ism, simple living, travel, food, politics and on it goes. Interesting that you ask.

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    1. You can read the first one in Confessions of a Narcissist. The good doctors say narcissistic sociopath but an alternative good doctor says narcissistic psychopath.
      I asked God last night and he said an enigma.

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      1. Well, they need to make up their minds! It’s a big difference.
        One way is the wiring pathology you were born with.
        The other is a result of your social surroundings.

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      2. Yes, but the “malign” was dropped because it’s not in the official classification system, or why? ?

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      3. Yoiu said somewhere in the beginning of your posts that you were a malign narcissistic sociopath. Now it’s narcissistic sociopath or psychopath. Why is the “malign” not added anymore? Is this because of the “official standard diagnostics” or whatever? ??

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      4. Thank you for the clarification, it is in accordance with what has been relayed to me by those who have categorised me. I think they consider the malign superfluous given the rest of the label.

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      5. I regard a label here as necessary for the purposes of communicating what I am. I understand this label accords with the observed and reported behaviours and the classification according to those who practise in the field of psychology et al, in the main. I would not wear this label elsewhere.

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  11. Hi H.G is it possible for someone like you to change to being a normal person and what is it that can motivate you to want to be a normal person?

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      1. Mmmmh this is too sad HG, I am currently trying to come out of a marriage with a narc and we have four beautiful kids together (2 boys and 2 girls). I have always known that there is something wrong with him but couldn’t put a name behind it as I was made to be very confused and believe that I’m losing it. I stumbled upon your site because I’m desperately seeking answers after finding out about this condition by default through a psychologist. This hurts so much HG everything I have read here just describes my situation and my husband, the infidelity with everyone I know including my family members. He has now moved out to be with this young girl he’s been sleeping with for years and now they have a baby. He never took his stuff when he left and I know it’s because he’s planning on coming back to reinstate our relationship. The problem is that he made me quit my job and promised to pay my salary which he still does, he is a business man and has been using his money to manipulate me and to keep me in his web. I desperately want to escape this but I don’t know how, I have lived in torture for so many years and now I don’t want this life anymore but secretly I wish he would change, I wish someone would just tell me that I’m dreaming, that he is capable of loving and that someday he will realize what he’s done, even if we don’t get back together but for the sake of the kids…PS: I cannot stop reading your articles

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  12. HG I have bought one book from your collection but the rest of the books are not available for purchase. Do you know when they’ll be available? This is just so amazing, I have been searching and reading about this for months now but yours is different because it’s from the horses mouth. Thanks so much HG we really appreciate this, God is using you in a mighty way to deliver His people…God bless you!

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      1. Hi HG I have managed to buy 4 other books so makes 5 books I have bought. Already finished the first one and I am so overwhelmed by the contents of the book. HG pardon me for asking you these questions but do you believe in God and are you not afraid of what might happen to you if you don’t repent and change from these ways. There are so many questions you have answered already from just reading your material, questions that I’ve been asking myself and also my ex narcissistic husband. If you are aware of your behavior surely that’s motivation enough to want to change because chsnge begins with first acknowledging that there is a problem. I believe in God’s power and that He is able to change you since He created you and your kind and I believe that with you sharing all this with us, you are just being used by God for us to gain understanding and clarity of what is happening to us. I challenge you to consider to change HG, love is the most beautiful thing in the planet and to be able to feel love it’s out of this world but in your situation you must a strong desire for it and it will happen. Just let go of yourself and experience this beautiful amazing feeling…God bless you HG I love you ❤️

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      2. Thank you for your kind words Nonto.

        I do not believe in God unless I saw a reason to do so which would benefit my needs and by that I mean for example in terms of mirroring a victim.
        I was brought up with parents who believed in God and attended a church school.
        I am not concerned by what might happen to me if I do not repent.
        I do not subscribe to the views that you do, but I recognise the good intention of what you have written.
        As I have explained before, I am an effective unit, but I have not closed my mind to what might happen.

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  13. I’m confused. On an earlier post you said that you did believe in God?

    Stacey

    September 3, 2015 at 10:45 pm

    Do you believe in God?


    Like

    malignnarc

    September 3, 2015 at 10:51 pm

    I do


    Like

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  14. What is your inner motivation for this exposure? The bottom line is – you are helping some people who were damaged by their loved ones with some kind of PD, and you are aware of that. You are even giving us tools and insights on how to move on and “win” the final battle. Yes, it is giving you “fuel”, but shouldn’t you be bored with it by now, after few years?
    What are you running away from? And finally, have you ever looked the spiritual side of your state?

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