Dr O asked me how I choose to lash out. I corrected her straight away. I do not lash out. That suggests a loss of control. I do not lose control. She accepted my point. I think she is beginning to realise who has the greater intellect in these sessions and is bowing to my superiority. I also noticed she was wearing a short skirt again. I think she is doing that in an attempt to distract me when we are having a discussion. Not so fast good doctor, your legs are good, defined and toned but their comely diversion is not going to win you this battle. Having conceded her error she tried again and asked when I wish to hurt somebody what method do I most often use to do so? This interested me as I had never considered that I have one that I use most often since I like to deploy the entire arsenal I have available. Not all at once, but over time with those who have injured me. Of course, certain weapons are not applicable in some scenarios. After all, I am hardly going to withdraw from bedding a colleague of the same sex am I?
Sometimes it is rage, other times I withdraw affection or sex. On other occasions it is belittling or odious comparisons to others. Then again, I may commence an affair and lack any discretion in doing so. I might decide to break or throw away a precious possession or spread some nasty comments. There is a wide range of harmful actions I might take. I sat thinking these through prompting Dr O to ask “Have I stumped you, you have fallen silent.”
I smiled as realisation dawned. The method I used the most was the silent treatment. It is fantastic. It requires minimal effort (always a good thing) and can be used immediately. What I like most about it is the fact that the recipient will have no idea whatsoever why I am doing it. This really messes with their mind. They cannot understand why I will not communicate with them as they cannot work out what they have done to receive this treatment. If they had any understanding of me, they would just walk away and let me get on with it. That would annoy me as they would no longer be giving me any attention so I would halt the silent treatment as it was no longer working. Instead, they HAVE to know and understand why I have gone silent. It burrows into their minds and twists away as they ask question after question. I can see them wracking their brains to establish what has caused this treatment. I see them mentally flicking through what has been said and done, ascertaining different scenarios as they helplessly grope for an answer. The not knowing slaughters them. I can keep it up for weeks if need be and the longer it goes on the more desperate they are to achieve an answer. Their increasing frustration fuels me and spurs me on to maintain this condition. Marvellous. I have broken several people this way and when I choose to end the silence, their eruption of gratitude fills me with a huge sense of power.
Yes, this weapon of choice really is the silent killer.