Questioning Me
Do feel free to ask me anything you like. I am here for you to dip into my mind and for you to benefit from learning how I view the world. No question is off limits and if you want to establish a dialogue with me, then so much the better. You will be helping me so I can show the treatment team that I am interacting with people in this setting. You can ask me why I do certain things, what am I thinking, what my favourite food is, whatever you like. This is your chance to extract as much knowledge and information from me as you possibly can. If you want to just make a statement, go ahead. Fill your boots. I don’t know you so I won’t fly into a rage (this does happen when people I know question me but that is because they have an agenda – you don’t because we don’t know one another). I look forward to hearing from you.
6,742 thoughts on “Questioning Me”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
I also realize that this is an older post, but, I will give it a whirl anyway.
Things recently “ended” with my Narcissist. Rather badly, in fact. Long story short, we went out to have a “nice day together after having some problems. Lunch, drinks, etc. He shared with me that there was someone else that he was seeing on a very limited basis. He detailed what she looked like, what they did in bed…..even pulled up a picture of her and shes BEAUTIFUL. He attempted to make me comfortable with it, by explaining that she means nothing, no feelings involved. I told him it was unacceptable that he share this with me. Period. I had tried to “accept him for him,” meaning that I always understood there would be one night stands, etc. Sad, now that I look back. Moving to the point, days later, we had a phone argument, and he blocked me. Per usual. I did not, and have not attempted to make further contact. I assume this woman is the latest target. I refuse to react. I refuse to give anything more of myself. Mutual friends have tried to bait me, by texting about him. I wont discuss it. Was that the discard? And if so, your site has certainly helped me a lot, in knowing he cannot cycle back this way. I am going to take this as a gift. Thank you for any insight on what to expect, and how to conduct myself in the future, should I run into him in this small town.
How do you help a narcissist to overcome it? What stratrgies would be best when faced with the silent treatment?
Please see the book Escape.
Is the trauma of which the narcissist manipulates the emotions of the target / fuel source the only type of trauma bonding needed of the narcissist to create the desired fuel? Or is there a more in-depth trauma bonding, such as subjecting the source to his / her own fears? Perhaps this would be called Subject Complacency through Hero Complex / God Complex … I would think the ultimate goal in this type of bonding would be to secure not only complacency out of fear, but also a more residual complacency? The source is putting forced intense trust into the narcissists’ , however, seemingly the narcissist feels this is good duty to show that the source no longer needs to have a particular fear because you are there as the hero to protect and falsely care for the source?
Does there need to be physical trauma bonding fuel or is the psychological / emotional trauma bonding fuel enough or do they become a combined trauma bond fuel?
If there is a need for physical trauma bonding, why? Is it because the source of fuel reactions to the psychological and emotional trauma is lessening and now the narcissist feels the need to subject the source to new or extreme trauma in order for a more intense fuel?
I appreciate your time. Thank you.
There are many different ways of binding the victim to us for the purposes of extracting fuel.
HG, thank you for your articles as I’m finding answers to this complex question within those more recent posts, as this is a blanket statement although a very appropriate one.
I’m looking deep into the bowels to find anything on Trauma Bonding. I’ve done a search and cannot find any other than that of the survey reveal. Please take a moment to let me know where I can find anything on TB within this blog.
Thank you.
I am not sure you will see this because this is an old blog but thought I would chance it and leave you a quick question. I have worked with a narcissists for the past 20 years. I only figured out he was a narcissists in the last 2 years when we became interested in me. We are both married. My question is… Why does he triangulate me and his wife? I have tried to be friends with him and he throws it back in my face and uses me to make his wife jealous. His wife works with us also – so we know each other. I have tried to ignore, avoid and just not talk to him but we are forced to talk because of our job and I get sucked back into the Hell. What can I do to stop everything? He is extremely good looking and charming and I get sucked in by his smile and something pulls me toward him – even when I know he is troubl! Help Me!
See the articles about Triangulation and also the book Manipulated.
Thank you and it was like I was reading about us! Not a easy pill to swallow and I know what I need to do but it is not easy. Thank you for your honesty!
Possibly, the reason the empathic individual has such a difficult time excepting the narcissistic entanglement: because we’ve become the one thing we fight to understand. The narcissist, with his lies and his mirroring, has succeeded in getting the us to fall in love with ourselves. The epitome of what narcissism means. To love one’s self. So to accept the definition of a narcissist relationship, the empath must accept the ultimate sin: being selfish.
I have a few things I am curious about. one is does a narcissist usually know they are a narcissist ? I’ve been caught up with one the past few years, we met when I was 19 , I am now 23 and he is 40…I could bore you with details but I feel now he just comes around for the sexual energy and attention I give him. My main question is I slowly see myself becoming more like him, in many ways and it scares me. Have you ever turned one of your victims/supply into a full blown narcissist ? I don’t buy the whole “empaths” or “victim” cards because if you think about it logically a supply would have to have some characteristics of a narcassist to attract one in the first place.
Hello T. Fox,
1. No they do not.
2. He comes after you, chiefly for the fuel which is emotional attention.
3. No, you do not turn into a narcissist when you are already an adult.
4. It is the empathic, class and special traits which attract us – see ‘Sitting Target’.
I appreciate the prompt response. I will certainly buy the book. I’m trying to go no contact with him after many failed attempts. I never really believed that I resemble the traits of an empath… but I don’t recall what I was like before this relationship. Maybe his projection was so good I believe I really do possess his narcissistic traits; or maybe he has me so anxious with this long silent treatment I’m finding reasons why I deserve it. I enjoy reading about how a narcissist thinks and how they became a narcissist… I’d be curious to read how I became the fuel so to speak for this type of creature. Certainly such things wouldn’t exist without the fuel from people like me and I often wonder who is the weaker of the two? The one that feels undeserving of love or the one that out of fear so freely gives it away. Very interesting stuff Mr. Tudor, I’m thankful to have learned at such a young age.
T.Fox
Let me ask you one more thing Mr.Tudor have you ever been with another narcassist romantically ? What would that be like ?
I have only in the context of IPTS or IPSS. It is a situation which provides fuel but also provides residual benefits.
I have a question….I understand the “fuel” source…it’s energy…makes sense. My question is this. In your most recent article “Are you the one?” Have you ever thought/questioned/mused that had you possibly shared just a crumb of that energy back to the primary source, the primary would then be completely recharged, ready for you to take? It’s a simple equation. Think about gas/electric cars. They use the charge, then go to lowly gas. However, the alternator is recharging to then go back to electric. Should you find the right empath, use the expending energy acquiring new sources to feed the primary. Here the rational here.
E,ample, they know you, your ways, your habits, wants, desires. No new training…i.e. wasted energy. You then have an endless source of energy.
Thouggts?
That is not the concern with regard to the primary source.
Again, maybe I am not making it clear. I understand energy, as I am a spiritualist and have been involved in spells and things. What you are not understanding, is I understand the new fuel source, the feeding of ego, blah blah blah. If it were truly about that, then you would find a primary source….stoke that fuel source…feed it because what ever fuel it generates FEEDS YOU. You then receive the normal fuel source, incredible boost to the ego, and an endless fuel source.
My narc messed up. He played with a witch-voodoo, hoodoo, Celtic, wicca, and German. I am casting a simple ED and anorgasmia spell. The only way he will ever be able to finish is to think of me. The beauty, even if he doesn’t believe, a simple picture of the alter…an explanation. Yes a lot of work, and fuel, on the front. However, anytime there is too much wine, things Don’t work, or finishing doesn’t happen…he will think of me…if even for a millisecond. The curse, he will live with the consequences he has dolled out to so many. For me once the spell is cast, I’m done.
It has nothing to do with spells. You do not appreciate the dynamic between the narcissist and the primary source. There will always be two problems with the primary source
1. If the fuel is provided often and in huge quantities, it becomes stale, we become bored and devaluation occurs ; or
2. If it is not provided often and/or in huge quantities it remains fresh but there is not enough, thus devaluation occurs.
That is what governs the dynamic not spraying around essence of mangled newt whilst walking wither shins twenty times around a lightning blasted oak.
Touché HG. Ha Ha!
Wendy, can you see that no matter how much ‘fuel’ is provided, it will be devalued and the relationship cannot be sustained. Your forays into witchcraft, and the way you have described using it, indicate you have a strong desire for control. A double whammy of delusion (one on each side of the relationship) is a recipe for disaster. Any hope of damage control requires that both feet are firmly planted in realty.
K while I do have control issues, it is not why you think. I have 2 kids with special needs. Regimented control, they have exceeded any and all doctor’s expectation. The last thing was not about control, it was about giving a Narc a lifetime reminder that there is always someone that now is their weakness.
HG, energy only becomes “stale” if your primary or YOU lack an imagination or creativity. When you only look at a relationship in 2D, that is all you get. Once you understand 3 and 4D, you learn nuances that keep thing alive….and a fresh source of endless energy. If you never experienced it, here is the new high to chase like a heroine addict. Funny, it just hit me….narcs are nothing more than junkies. Junkies, in every sense of the word, weaknesses and all. Very enlightening.
I am not referring to energy Wendy, but fuel. That is what we require and the problem with the fuel as is stated previously.
Wendy,
“it was about giving a Narc a lifetime reminder that there is always someone that now is their weakness.” is the illusion of control that I was referring to.
I’m not suggesting that you think you can make him do stuff. But I am suggesting that you want to make him feel stuff – about you – hence the spell.
Narcs as junkies is right. But your suggestion that HG should look at relationships in 3 and 4D requires that he do some work. He doesn’t want to do that kind of the work beyond the golden period. He wants the supply to do the work. That’s the point. When the fuel is getting stale, the only work he’s prepared to do is the destructive kind that elicits negative emotions in the other – because that makes him feel powerful. It’s no good telling him what he SHOULD do. He, effectively, can’t. His MO is pathological and it’s not a choice.
Witchcraft, and spell casting in particular, is about causal relationships between actions and outcomes. You do x to bring about y. That is control, or a desire for it at least.
K, you are absolutely correct…..hmmmm. And knowing that he has an insecurity of things not working means, he will now have a taste of what he doles out so much of, head games. I have no control on the end result, so in essence the y in the equation is an unknown. Just as the narc is not responsible for the gymnastics we put ourselves through as we dance to their mind games, really It’s not my fault that they lack a conscious or have insecurities and how my spell may affect them. So maybe the x now y doesn’t hold because y is an unknown.
Wendy
In other words …..you just cannot win….you give great fuel they get bored…you don’t give enough they get bored! There’s no winning only degrees of losing and it makes me absolutely want to go insane and take them with me!!!!! And honestly I feel like a damn spell was cast on me….it would have gone something like this….do not let another day of Tonya’s life go by without thinking about the man! That would have been the spell and feels like it is. I sware nothing comes closer to describing the damn place they send you to then a freaking spell…..I have actually wondered that before…..wondered did that faggot put a spell on me. Ffffffffffuuuuuuuccccckkkkkkk!
Mr. Tudor,
While I’m sure you’ve answered this somewhere in the last 2-3 years on this blog or in a book. I’m inclined to ask anyway, Purely out of laziness, avoiding searching through thousands of comments, Ha!
I apologize, but, I’ve grown sick of trying to “understand” my ex, before I found your books, I had already concluded that understanding is an impossible feat. Instead I am now searching for tools to help our child to at least find peace.
You mention many times about 3 forms of Narcissism/sociopath, Lesser, Mid-range and intellectual/higher range, such as yourself.
What exactly are the characteristics of each? As in, difference in techniques for lying and not getting caught, rages, hoovering techniques, discard. Do they each follow different rules for how long it takes to know they are fighting for no fuel and finally give up?
Also does it coincide with their level of intelligence? Does each come to a stage where they don’t care to hide their lies and manipulation any longer?
I ask because in my case, he was good at first of fabricating evidence and covering the lies with such fabricated proof. Although his intelligence was never as high status as he wanted people to believe.
But over the last couple of years, I have allowed him to feel as if he won and I therefore gained the upper hand, mind you it was by his own doing.
After that, he began to hang himself with the proverbial rope he was being fed. So much so that while sitting in front of a certain authority figure, he flat out continued to lie and was caught. Was this purposeful, is he an abnormal or lower level narcissist that was elevated by others blindness? Or was he just blinded by the idea of fuel caused by what he perceived as him winning and the thought that he destroyed me?
Also a suggestion, it would be nice to see a writing from you addressing what we call “fleas” and the effects it has on the narcissists we know, when their victims start showing the same traits back.
No such thing as narcissistic fleas.
With regard to the traits of each school, please see the various articles on the blog which expand on this – searching for each school will provide you with the answers.
It appears as though technology still forces through little indicators that people have replied to your blog posts. Not sure where to post this question, so here is good enough…. What would it mean if I find your writing utterly intoxicating and arousing, the intelligence, sophistication, awareness and explicitly unapologetic tone? It is the same feeling I get when the day goes well, better than planned and I feel like I am plugged directly into the universe and I could consume the world or have it enter me, possessing everything and having it all.
It means you recognise brilliance.
Just orgone attach to universe to fuel. That easy. Have you raped or murdered?
HG, please will you give us an example of a famous lesser, mid range and a greater.
Dear Victory, thankyou most humbly for your encouragement and words of wisdom. I am so pleased you had the strength to see the light at the end of the tunnel! Such lovely lovely people on Mr Tudors blog! My heartfelt thanks to you for your strength and support! 💜💜
.
Annnnnd she’s back ….. Mr Tudor … it’s just occurred to me, as I write and read all this …. “horrendous” as it was and having gone through this “nightmare”, from one pathetic individual and suffered considerably, survived and am now stronger . From my personal perspective and looking back, it’s all a lot of “nonsense” really and such childish behaviour, to the point, I’m now seeing a “funny side” … does this normally happen with us victims/survivors?
PPS … after his heart attack and discard, a few months later I returned some of his books and DVDs and that was it! There was one encounter, after his heart attack, he came up and said “hello” to my husband and myself at OUR “favourite” coffee shop, acted like nothing happened and he was our best friend ( I was grey rock) I have not contacted him since nor asked all the why’s and wherefores! It was only this carpark encounter that I asked some questions! My husband thinks he wants desperately, what he can’t have, what say you ? My goodness Mr Tudor this “narcissist thingy ” is so complicated and exhausting…. phew !!
Ps …
I knew it wasnt just PTSD. I researched it and thats when I discovered he was a narcissist and now from your writings (which have been sooo helpful and frightening at the same time) , I think he’s a “greater” ! He uses his PTSD as his cover (gets all the sympathy that way) …. that’s why we all made allowances for his “selfish behaviour”. I honour the fact he fought for our country, but he’s a coward in every other respect ! He knew I was putting all puzzle pieces together annnnd I’m proud to say .. completed it ! He’s always said to people ” if you don’t like who I am, there’s the door and don’t let it hit your bum on the way out”! He also treats his place like a “cave” … all the blinds down! I helped make him a “better man”, even people noticed a change for the better, but he has since gone back to his “old look” and self, in fact, he’s got worse ! Cranky old man with diminishing looks! (Nearly 70)
I have discovered heaps about myself and narcissism, I’m better and stronger! it’s been the “worst” Chapter of my life! I hate to say it, but after all he’s put us thru, if he suffered a fatal heart attack, we’d say “good riddance” ! LEST WE FORGET !
My last used the PTSD cover story to. I followed the same path as with learning about it and it didn’t add up. Interesting the y use something so real & serious to cover up their horrible behavior. Can’t be mad at a injured soldier. Just proves how despicable their behavior is. Hang in there. It’s gets easier.
Thankyou Victory for your reply and your kind empathy .. sooo nice of you! I ended up in hospital because of it, thought I was going to die , I’m elderly ! There was no one who would listen, understand or talk to (only my husband) . I’m trying to fumble my way learning technology (don’t really understand blogs) and “silly ol me” decided to come on here and “rant and rave” having come across Mr Tudors writings, as my last hope of understanding all of this, as he is spot on ! Mr dear old husband told me not to, did I listen … no ! I am now making huge mistakes on his blog, fluffing everything up, saying the wrong thing, upsetting people and making myself look the idiot and fool that I am! My husband is a proud veteran and I didn’t expect one of his “brothers” could do this!
We volunteer and help others and naturally trust people!
I don’t know what say to him when he approaches me in public, the last time was this January… carpark, how apt .. I asked why was he talking to me , said he sent us a Xmas card and text, never got either of them. I asked why he sent them … said I was on “his list ” ! I told him he was lying as we never received them. I asked him to remove me from “his list “. He gave this pathetic rushed apology, (in the car park) charming , said “take care” and left hurriedly. I text him and said I don’t accept your apology as it wasn’t said with integrity and sincerity (He discarded me after his heart attack 2 years ago (he only had stents) he played it bigger than Ben Hur! I told him other vets had it worse and to get over it … that could’ve done it or maybe my comment of him “dying a lonely old man” cos of the way he treats people! He went into a tailspin after that! I know he was worried about his “manhood” even though he said he never “did it” ! Took pride in not taking meds! But now he’s on heaps of meds for his heart!) I asked if he’d met somone yet, he reluctantly confessed, but said it was as a companion only ! Family friend of 5 years ago, but met 2 months ago … more lies ! I said I don’t want to be your friend anymore! He didn’t rely to that comment ! Then next thing he’s staring at me on Veterans Day (April) … then disappears ! What’s happening please Mr Tudor ?
I can see it now … Thankyou
‘Tis I here….. again
I feel some of my comments may be floating in “cyber land” … they appeared in your comments then disappeared. Did you receive them ? What should I do? Thankyou
You have one post that refers to being a Luddite at the beginning, in moderation. Have you posted additional comments?
Sorry, Mr Tudor, I’m a Luddite with technology….. I’m K and B (the Vietnam vet victim) (wasn’t wearing my glasses and have fat fingers) my husband and I are pensioners, We really can’t afford a consultation! I was hoping you could help us!
His “new supply” (is in the care industry) is a friend of his aging mother. He proclaims he suffers “short term memory loss” and has to have a diary! Funny that he is allowed to drive a car! He always thought more of me than I did of him…. to me, he was always the 5year old and I, his mother! He’d say, “I don’t feel well” then I’d say ” have you eaten and had your water today” ” I didn’t sleep well, fell asleep on the lounge ” ” I’d say ” why are you sleeping on the lounge, that’s why they invented beds” ! Commonsense things really! We got on fine in person and he always always created drama by text and hence then we’d fight ! He was desperate to have a relationship with me and I didn’t ! I told him he wasnt my type! He didn’t care I was happily married!
Does he just want negative fuel … is that it ? He did my head in with drama and lies, suffered anxiety as a result! I tried to end the friendship many many many times, he kept coming back , my husband and I were concerned as “a vet” he may “do something” and we didn’t want to be held responsible. My husband and I have suffered tremendously over this person. I never knew what a narcissist really was until had to look it up, its mind boggling. It’s affected our lives enormously and we want him out of our lives for good, if possible ! He knows my routine back to to front ! We had to give up our RSL club because he goes there! My husband is the introvert and I’m the extrovert, (my husband says I’m tooooo nice) strangers stop me at the supermarket and talk, happens constantly, my friends find it fascinating! We are too old to have this kind of drama in our lives! You are our last hope! Thanking you kindly!
Hi HG, thanks for your excellent material on your blog and on youtube. I feel more validated and grounded than ever before and can also see the connection between narcs and empaths in a very nuanced way.
But most of all – this material has given much more substance, than any so called professional (psychologist/therapist) has ever managed to do.
I have three questions:
Why are so many psychologists/therapists so incredibly clueless or downright stupid when it comes to narcissism? Its as if they really cant connect the dots. Ive met 4 simpletons who claimed they knew but definitely did not and one who I in retrospect actually think was a narc. They should be experts, but I know many laymen who know extensively more on this topic than they do.
What would you say is the real percentage of narcs in the world?
Is narcissism nature or nurture or both?
Ping, I appreciate your scarce time Mr Tudor, but Im really curious about these things.
Being the recipient of discard, by my male narcissistic so-called friend, would you please be so kind as to “armour me” with some “dialogue etiquette” when confronted with unexpected public encounters.
I shudder to look around every time I hear “hello there”.
I would appreciate leaving with class and dignity!
Many thanks
He appeared the other day at a public forum and from a distance, he was alone and staring at me, I pretended not to notice… I am very happily married and my husband is well aware he’s a narcissist and what they do. This man tried to “love bomb me” and I told him we could only ever be friends!
He has “surprised me” in supermarkets, car parks and driven past our house. We have known him for a long time and have communal friends! My husband and I have helped him out on many occasions! He’s old, single parent, not attractive, smelly, short, thrives on drama, a light hoarder but orderly, very very smart,(played numerous head games with me), tried to mirror me, absolute liar, (caught him out) always talks about himself, he tried to bring up ex’es but it didn’t concern me as I told him to go find someone ( he didn’t like that ) no real friends, (I was it ) volunteers and everyone loves him ! He gave me the silent treatment when I caught on to his behaviour and (told him he was a narcissist) the usual .. why do you overthink things, you’re too sensitive, or answered with “ok” or just went silent and finally discarded me, but I ended it officially! Told me I was his “closest” ! That was 2 years ago! I believe he met someone recently!
What game is he playing at now, why is he “popping up” now when he has someone, will we ever get rid of him and what do we do ? Please help!
Hello B, he is looking to hoover you for the purposes of gaining fuel. You state he has someone but you did not expand on who this person is and how they fit into the dynamic. I also need to understand the history behind your dynamic with him to be able to offer you insight as to what he is doing and what you can do about it. The level of detail is best suited to a consultation B so I can give you a full response.
With all due respect, each and every person who has ever experienced “narcissistic abuse” has had a “personal situation” and we all want the same insight! If I consult with you privately, there are those who miss out on valuable knowledge that you are offering!
I understand your point. The difficulty is that in order to provide you with accurate insight I often need to ask questions and doing so back and forth on the blog is both time consuming and difficult to follow. Furthermore it would open the floodgates to an extent where it would be unworkable to deal with all requests in that way. By all means, if you consulted with me privately you could write a synopsis of the consultation for the blog and I would post it so the knowledge could be shared that way.
Thankyou, I misunderstood your post about “establishing a dialogue” !
I have subsequently sent you what you don’t want.. can you please delete all my comments regarding the Vietnam vet!
Many thanks
Dear Mr Tudor, I feel absolutely dreadful for causing inconvenience, unnecessary lengthy and additional comments, upsetting your loyal followers and not fully understanding your blog. I deeply apologise for any wrong doing, my stupidity and ignorance. Will you please accept my humblest of apologies from a silly old woman trying to understand why people treat me this way. You are a brilliant writer and I thoroughly enjoy your readings and will continue to do so. I sincerely request if you could please delete all my ridiculous comments (because I can’t seem to) and I shall gladly retreat from social media and leave it to the clever experienced young people. I feel so embarrassed and it has upset me tremendously . We oldies are a nuisance and a burden these days and therefore I shall go back to having tea n biccies with my 95 year old lovely generous neighbour and coffee with my lovely husband and try and put all this horredness behind me, somehow! Thankyou for your tolerance and patience Mr Tudor and hopefully understanding. Remorsefully, regretfully yours and with heartfelt apologies once again.
The fact you are confused & apologetic is a sign you need to be here. It’s that state of lack of self & confusion that lead us here. We are answer seekers, we need that to heal ourselves. I hope you continue to read & comment. This level of understanding requires a lot of growth, sometimes very painful. It is a process and I’ve been through it. It definately worth it.
Dear B, please don’t feel bad in any way. I’m absolutely sure that none of this blog’s readers are offended or inconvenienced. There is no need for embarassment and none of your comments are ridiculous. This page, in particular, invites questions and so is the perfect place to clarify how this forum works. If anything, I feel bad to see you beating yourself up about it. Do continue to take part if it helps you.
Dear K, I couldn’t leave without replying to your most generous and soothing response and I am so very touched that you should take the time and effort to extend a kind arm. I love and adore helping people however, I shall now give my “full attention” to my abandoned animals that I look after! I shall continue to read the very eloquent, very helpful and informative, Mr Tudor ( I looked up “blog” and now understand). Your comments overwhelmed me with such sincerity, and that you cared, it brought tears to my eyes (I’m such an emotional softie), thank you dear kind person, you lifted my spirits immensely! 💜☺️
Sooo … instead of giving, you buy?
My narcissist is a Vietnam Vet, who has been diagnosed with PTSD (and depression from a heart attack two years ago) . I became aware he had classic narcissistic traits from researching PTSD. With a glint in his stare glazed shark eyes and a smirk on his dial, he would brag he was “trained to kill”. I ended the friendship by text and did not get a response/reply, should I be worried?
Difficult to state with any certainty as more information would be required to ascertain what type of narcissist he is, which is best suited to the process of consultation.
What do you need to know ? He uses his PTSD and “short term memory loss” as a cover up for his lies and vial behaviour. Has not been diagnosed professionally with NPD, his psych wouldn’t even be aware because he psychs the psych (he’s very clever). Funny, he remembers everything!
What do you mean “process of consultation”
To consult with me privately which is the best and appropriate arena for details issues concerning personal situations. It is there that I can provide you with full insight which as a matter of pride I want to do.
HG, can you recognise narcissists solely by their physical appearance or mannerisms and what features give them away? I was just curious to know.
Not on that alone. Those things you mention are indicative but not determinative more would be needed.
HG
you said above:
“That’s what I keep trying to find Maria, but they keep letting me down.”
WOW!
That gives my hope a higher hope that if i keep on loving and accepting my Narc ( although i am harrasing him constantly to tell me the truth)
he would eventually stick only with me.. because i am always here for him regardless.. and i think he is realising it… i hope..
Maria,
just from my point of view and from my experience: Before I knew this blog, and before I was fully aware of the disorder, I had a blissful break from my ex narc, and also started meditation. At that time I started to forgive him everything he had done so far and loved him unconditionally, open for everything, and way beyond normal relationship expectations from my side as he clearly had problems with commitment and intimacy – or so I thought. Guess what happened. He never moved an inch towards me (as in: loving, compromizing, etc.), he never confessed anything, put he used it against me full-on and re-traumatized me, as badly and as carefully planned as the first time. Continually. He broke every single agreement, he never stopped playing games. Even then I tried to stay friends with him (in between also periods of no contact, but he then came back with pretended guilt, and full charm) and be there for him, for various reasons. There was never a time when he didn’t use it to his advantage, he simply played with my good-will, etc.
Maybe your narc his not as full-on at the end of the spectrum, but I wouldn’t recommend it. It was equally hopeless to get my lesser narc-lover to realize anything or to change his behavior. He simply didn’t care.
Typically, such a kind of person has an ideal, out-of-range ex-love, and also a god-given divine future love – in their head. These never have been and never will be real. It must be this way – without putting the “partner” down, making him smaller than himself, the narc would feel that he would cease to exist. Every partner is compared to these ideal non-existent past & future loves, and naturally cannot compete. That would take an angel.
Of course, HG knows better what’s going on in his mind in this regard, but this is what I learned through my ex-narc.
Yup, sounds about right.
No Maria. If he is truly a narc then he will always find a reason to feel let down, no matter how hard you try. Your adoration will become stale, if it hasn’t already, and new sources will be sought out. The cycle will repeat over and over again. HG has described a girl he knew as a teenager, but never seduced or became ‘close’ to, who remains idealised in his mind. I’m sure, and I think even he would agree, that if he had had anything like a real relationhip with her, then she would have been consigned to the pile of disappoinments just like all the others. He may say he’s looking for ‘the one’ but he knows that she doesn’t exist. No real person could ever satisfy these types. And be aware, your love is not appreciated – it is despised as a weakness that makes you do stupid things. Narcs generally loath themselves and you will be perceived as equally loathsome and deficient for loving them. The longer you hang on the worse it will get. The more you love them the less respect they will have for you. It’s an unimaginable state of being, but that’s just the way it is. People really can be that different it seems.
From my POV I am happy for your increased self-awareness! It is entirely possible for a narcissist as intelligent as yourself to find all the high quality fuel he needs (positive and negative) in socially acceptable ways without too much collateral damage. That is my hope and prayer for you, HG. Even if you never feel any warm and fuzzy feelings (😱) for the people with whom you interact, your life will have less unwanted complications.
Thank you Windstorm.
The Cadbury fortune, oh wait, you were bought out by anAmerican company. Silly British, when will you learn.
Firstly, Thank you. I would not have seen clearly or so quickly without your insight. Needing to understand the thought process behind the behavior is all that kept me there, you broke that bond quicker than any other form of insight could have. I think you know this, and i am grateful for your choice to empower us, though understand it is for your own reasons.
My questions are;
Knowing what you are and why you do what you do, having referenced it being something that came about during development, do you have the desire to change, is there an internal struggle with your behavior, or do you use this knowledge to refine your talents of manipulation?
In essence, is there a core part of you that wants to heal and be vulnerable, or will emotions forever be seen as a weakness/fuel source? Is there an issue that you cannot allow yourself to become what you have grown to despise, because this would be defeat in itself and then leave you at the hands of your kind, which in itself could never be allowed?
I guess I am butting my head against the wall that you are aware of what you are doing and why, that these traits you look to consume and destroy because you cannot have them within and am left wondering why you would not simply look to genuinely cultivate these traits, rather than borrow them from each victim? I understand that they are a weakness, but why expend all this borrowed energy pretending to be what you then despise?
Thank you for the opportunity to ask questions. I genuinely believe you have been very honest with your information, and despite the contradiction even this brings about for myself, I am grateful for the insight that you are providing.
Regards,
Hello Kaseh191 thank you for your kind words.
1. I see no reason to change. I am an effective unit. However, I have noticed some changes and I have recently realised that what I am doing with the blog etc is effecting a change in my behaviour. It cannot be escaped that my increased awareness has also heightened my abilities.
2. I regard certain emotions as pointless and weak.
3. I am not being that which I despise. What I am is what I want to be and for the world to see.
1. In what way? From my point of view?
1a) Heightened your abilities … to ensnare victims? Perfecting the illusion?
I don’t understand what you mean by “In what way? From my point of view?”
Heightened my abilities to carry out my manipulations with greater effectiveness.
The change in your behavior you’ve noticed: how had it changed? And from my point of view favorably?
Thank you for clarifying.
Increased awareness. I have noticed that my extensive abilities could be applied in a more socially acceptable manner. I understand more about those I interact with. i understand more about why I am as I am.
As for your POV, well that is for you to comment.
But I still don’t understand if there is “hope” (from my point of view) that you would contain harmful outward behavior more. Yes, you do function well, no, you’re not impaired. But it would be nice not to get hurt by you.
Only you can decide that.
HG wouldn’t you ever be intetested in tryin to stick to one woman who really loves you completely and indiscriminately? One that will not trap you in a cage.. but let you flight on high..
and always finding new horizons to soar..
That’s what I keep trying to find Maria, but they keep letting me down.
Then why therapy
I find it interesting and it is part of securing longer terms aims of mine.
Hi H. G.
I have now read 7 of your books in 1 month-once I started one of your books it was hard to put it down! I have read other books on Narcissist but they do not come close to the exact and precise explanations you describe in your books. I am a super empath and have been with my GE Narc. for almost 11 years with the final discard Dec. 31, 2016. I only wish I had discovered your books and blog years earlier. Nevertheless I am very grateful for all you have done to enlighten myself and those like me-whatever devaluation you might have inflicted on your empath’s is totally forgiven with what you are doing for all of us now. You have saved my life, and I cannot thank you enough!
My questions are: 1. Does your kind have a certain “body” type they always prefer? It seems every time I was discarded my replacements always looked the same: blond, full figured, with some empathetic qualities. 2. Why does a GE get married or live with someone? Does this not limit their infidelities? Mine was married twice and then lived with me 2 times (6-7 months at a time) When I finally said this is not good for me, and being an intelligent person I believe he started realizing that I was beginning to figure him out-at least his lies. If this was the case, would it be something that would intimidate or frighten those of your king?
Thanks
Hello Victoria, thank you for your kind words and for reading.
1. An elite or somatic will want somebody physically appealing. It does not necessarily follow that they must be for example, blonde-blue-eye and busty, my primary sources have all been physically attractive but there have been variances.
2. For the purposes of binding, the maintenance of the facade. No, it does limit their infidelities because we do as we want.
3. If you begin to figure out a greater he will be concerned to ensure that he has an alternative primary source lined up in case you escape.
I’m going to ask anyway, although I am sure you have addressed this in your writing, I haven’t found it yet. How did you react when someone pointed out what you are? If that is in fact how it went down. You said somewhere along the line that you are only doing this for money (unless I misread that). Who pointed it out to you?
Indeed I have. I listened, denied it, went away and read about it and found it was largely accurate and I know had a label for the talents I knew I had.
I have never stated that I am doing this for money. I am doing it because I like an audience, I like to write, I want to be the best and most widely-read source for this material and it appeals to me to be setting weaponised empath against narcissist across the world.
Your writing evokes in me a total different reaction, at least at the moment.
Being a super empath, it evokes in me more compassion, fascination, challenge, questions… name it.. but also bewilderment and anger.
And i feel love sick…
Ummm, you said in one of your books you are due a large inheritance if you comply with treatment. It seems, a narc can be bought for 30 pieces of silver, although, you weren’t so good at RE now were you?
The inheritance was the condition for him to enter and get therapy because of another transgression.
Once in therapy, the doctors suggested writing to him because he enjoys it and I’m guessing he was a stubborn patient and this gets him to open up by also including people giving feedback which increases his awareness.
So what happens if the blog is suddenly discovered and, to use current vernacular, goes viral? What if everyone wants a piece of HG – what of tv interviews etc – how will you manage that and not disclose your identity?
How will the ego cope with wanting fame but needing secrecy? Will you wear a batmask?
Will you forget us when you are famous?
I either
1. Refuse and protect my identity;
2. Agree with safeguards for my identity; or
3. Decide to reveal my identity if other matters have been addressed.
Yes – but will you forget us when the fickle hand of fame beckons?
Who are you again?!
HG: “it appeals to me to be setting weaponised empath against narcissist across the world.”
Why is that? Please expand.
It accords with my god-like status to be setting up the players on the stage and pitting them against one another.
“It accords with my god-like status to be setting up the players on the stage and pitting them against one another.”
I know I shouldn’t, but that made me chuckle.
You revel in the conflict of others?
At my making, yes.
Flick – maybe he thinks he IS Batman? Dark and troubled, strings of women, yet isolated and detached, not good or principled, but finds a bigger enemy in the evil of others?
Coincidentally, doesn’t Batman have a cod piece too?
Are you still answering questions? I just found this blog recently.
Yes. There you go, question answered !
Very funny.
I believe my now ex-boyfriend Narc is a Somatic/Elite and a Victim. This was helpful to me to see how I got sucked into this dysfunctional dynamic. It’s been very damaging to my self-esteem.
We dated for 16 months. About 4 months in I found out he has ED and needed Viagra to perform. He was using it and hiding it the whole time. Over time his disinterest in sex dwindled more and I believed him when he said it was just age (46-47) stress at work (he’s a cop) and an overall lack of interest in sex that has been true his entire life prior to our relationship. He assured me he was attracted to me, everything between us was good, it was just his problem that existed before me. Also, objectively I am much more attractive than he is and yet I still did the usual of working harder, sexy lingerie, initiating, etc. trying to get my “shy guy” to feel more comfortable with me. I also didn’t believe him completely because he had let slip once that with his girlfriend prior to me (2 years prior) they had “a lot of sex” but she ended up getting pregnant. I empathized with him about how traumatic and awful that whole situation must have been. She chased him and he never loved her. He wanted to marry her and have the baby and she ruined everything. He did claim to love me (so very much) and that I was “his best friend now” so I also wondered if Madonna/whore plays into the dynamic.
The only time I questioned him about her and that comment, he flew into a narc rage and then the next day said he didn’t remember what I had asked him. We never discussed it again.
Additionally, his lack of interest in sex was actually quite appealing to me and felt quite safe because my Greater Narc ex-husband was a liar, cheater and in treatment for sex addiction when we divorced.
Fast forward almost a year later and I finally got curious and suspicious and looked at his Internet history. For a long time, I had been fighting the urge to snoop and this was the only time I did. Sure enough, his internet history dating back months was full of extreme hard-core porn (punishment style), webcam sex chats and at least one visit to Ashley Madison. I never told him I snooped or what I knew. I decided to keep it to myself and observe his behavior, and also to try to communicate with him that I suspected porn as the problem. I wanted to see if he could be honest with me if I tried to open up communication on the topic. Instead, he denied it, and that same week he changed the setting on his browser to no longer save his web history.
About six weeks later we argued (only the 3rd argument or so we ever had) about him ignoring me all at a party and flirting with a female musician all night. Also – the guy is in a band and drinks heavily. He walked out the door and commenced the final silent treatment/discard without giving me a chance to discuss the situation or break up in a normal way. Of course, now I wonder what don’t I know and I am paranoid that mutual friends/acquaintances know more than I do about his public behavior (cheating in bars, etc.)
So I think I had #1 and #3 in this guy but not sure about #2 because he was very embarrassed about sex and would not discuss it with me. I have contemplated telling people what I know – that he lied and cheated – and that was the real problem and not that I “overreacted” and have “anger issues” and “trust issues” from my failed marriage and therefore couldn’t trust him. I have said nothing to him or to his friends when I see them about why I don’t trust him. We have since spoken briefly once on the phone and he was forced to take pity on me when my father almost died 2 days before Christmas.
He admitted nothing but said only “Look – I know I am a bad boyfriend and that is not going to change.” I have since seen him out at social events twice and he completely ignores me (and I him). His friends are friendly to me when he is not around, but put up a wall and ignore me when he is. It annoys me that they allow him to bully me socially and make me a pariah while I keep his secrets.
Thank you Oona.
I finished “Sex and the Narcissist” and now have a question. The ex-boyfriend (above) shows traits of Somatic but is at this point a Victim. Is it possible for a Narc to vacillate between types either at once or at different points in his life? Can a Somatic be terrible and inattentive?
Sadly, I have re-typed the Narc ex-husband as an Elite type.
A fuel crisis would cause victim traits to come to the fore. Thank you for reading the book.
HG, I’m four years into a bumpy marriage with a Mid-Range, not the least bit Somatic. (First marriage was to an almost-Great, for 25 years.) Question: is it “normal” narc behavior to have very little interest in sex? Very rarely initiates, only contact is hand-holding, and the only good sex that happens is when I leave him, and then return. Yet, he frequently mentions or jokes about having sex all the time, or makes inappropriate sexual jokes and comments to others. Any possibility of improvement? (I’m attractive and weight is perfect already.)
Hello SS, sounds like he is a Mid Range Cerebral with regards to talking about it a lot and using sex for jokes etc, but not engaging in it often. A narcissist who very little interest in engaging in sex is either
1. A Somatic or Elite who is devaluing you by withholding sex (but there will have been plenty in the golden period beforehand);
2. A Cerebral who will occasionally have sex but prefers to talk about it, talk a good game, use the language of sex as a weapon; or
3. A Victim who plays on his low libido/sexual incompetence to draw sympathy from his victim
I believe my now ex-boyfriend Narc is a Somatic/Elite and a Victim. This was helpful to me to see how I got sucked into this dysfunctional dynamic. It’s been very damaging to my self esteem.
We dated for 16 months. About 4 months in I found out he has ED and needed Viagra to perform. Over time his disinterest in sex dwindled more and I believed him when he said it was just age (46-47) stress at work (he’s a cop) and an overall lack of interest in sex that has been true his entire life prior to our relationship. He assured me he was attracted to me, everything between us was good, it was just his problem that existed before me. Also, objectively I am much more attractive than he is and yet I still didi the usual of working harder, sexy lingerie, initiating, etc. trying to get my “shy guy” to feel more comfortable with me. I also didn’t buy it completely because he had let slip once that with his girlfriend prior to me (2 years prior) they had “a lot of sex” but she ended up getting pregnant. She chased him and he never loved her. He did claim to love me and that I was his best friend now so I also wondered if Madonna/whore plays into the dynamic.
Additionally, his lack of interest in sex was actually quite appealing to me and felt quite safe because my Greater Narc ex-husband was a liar, cheater and in treatment for sex addiction when we divorced.
Fast forward almost a year later and I finally got curious and suspicious and looked at his Internet history. For a long time I had been fighting the urge to snoop and this was the only time I did. Sure enough his internet history dating back months was full of extreme hard core porn, web cam sex chats and at least one visit to Ashley Madison. I never told him I snooped or what I knew. I decided to keep it to myself and observe his behavior, and also to try to communicate with him that I suspected porn as the problem. He changed the setting on his browser to no longer save his web history.
About six weeks later we argued (only the 3rd argument or so we ever had) about him ignoring me at a party and flirting with a female musician all night. Also – the guy is in a band and drinks heavily. He walked out the door and commenced the final silent treatment/discard without giving me a chance to discuss the situation or break up in a normal way. Of course now I wonder what don’t I know and I am paranoid that mutual friends/acquaintances know more than I do about his public behavior (cheating in bars, etc.)
So I think I had #1 and #3 in this guy but not sure about #2 because he was very embarrassed about sex and would not discuss it with me. I have contemplated telling people what I know – that he lied and cheated and that was the real problem and not that I “overreacted” and couldn’t trust him but I have said nothing to him or to his friends when I see them.
Hi, not sure if you’re still answering questions on here..
I was seduced by a narc/sociopath a while ago. Im quite a tough cookie so I am not taken in so easily. Thing is, he has disguised his ways by making out to be into the bdsm lifestyle, something I was interested in (with him) as a lot of the control aspects turn me on, even more so then the acts.
I had no idea at the time about antisocial personality disorders.
He was sent to prison (I haven’t learned all of your different terms for narcs, but he’s not particularly the cleverest) and I discovered all this information after, it really shook me. In the 7-8 months we were ‘together’ I hadn’t seen many bad sides only some silences and making me feel on edge sometimes, do you think he disguised the abuse in his deviant sexual ways?
I think really I’m just asking if this is something you have done?
I can’t really ask him properly since he is locked up until late next year. His letters have been very false in my eyes, full of love and promises and all the love bombing you can imagine! I want to manipulate him though, because I do enjoy the control. Think I’m a bit fucked up too!
Hello Blue, he will have used your interest in BDSM activities in two ways.
First of all to mirror you so that he became more appealing to you by having this in common. It is interesting that you wrote “he has disguised his ways by making out to be into the bdsm lifestyle” as you clearly do not believe his interest was genuine.
Secondly, because sex is a major weapon of seduction, he will have used bdsm as a tool of manipulation and a conduit for his machinations. Since you are into this lifestyle, this meant you became more susceptible to his manipulation. The deviant behaviour you refer to does not seem however to be regarded by you as a bad thing because you state you had not seen many bad sides only silence and making you feel on edge. Accordingly,I presume that any sexual deviancy which appeared you had no issue with because of the bdsm lifestyle to which you subscribe? Thus when he engaged in this he will have done so to draw positive fuel from you because you accepted this behaviour. His silences and putting you on edge (how did he do that?) were actions designed to draw negative fuel from you. Did he ever withdraw sexual liaisons from you?
It’s funny, I know he used to try to act interesting in things that he thought I’d be interesting in from my social media, I picked up on things like that straight away. But I never bought up bdsm because I didn’t know I was interested in it until he brought the subject up. It’s a all a bit of a blur really, I had a different idea of bdsm before I met him, he kind of sold me into it. He used to tell me that he’d love me to be his submissive so he could look after me and treat me the way I wanted in a safe environment. It’s the only tiny thing that makes me want to stay in contact, it was all very good (the sex I mean!).
He did tell me it was new to him (the Dom/sub thing), like me, although he was quite an arrogant and confidant person.
He spoke very poetically to me (I noticed whenever I admired something e.g. His writing, he would put so much more effort into it)
The bad side would be ignoring me for a period of time, for months his communication was constant (we spoke mainly via text) and then he would disappear for a day or two. I tried not to bite because I hate to damage my pride. He would leave me waiting hours without apology, 2-3 hours sometimes. I feel stupid now thinking how I’d wait in hotel lobby but it was so exciting to me at the time, worth the wait. He loved my messages telling him that I’d be leaving in 5 minutes even though he knew I wouldn’t. I think sometimes he might have watched me from afar.
And the other thing was that he knew I watched him on social media, he knew I was jealous, so he followed new girls all the time, would post suggestive messages, would definitely choose what he posted to mess with me. I remember once mentioning it and he couldn’t wait to hear about how it made me feel, telling me that I should always tell him how I felt, I can tell him anything good or bad. He would say that he sees other girls but I was the only one who was special to him, the only one who he did those things to. No one else was like me. We are unique, share a darkness and that we could only satisfy each other. Now I’m not a fool, I didn’t believe any of that, I saw it as a downside. I knew we wasn’t exclusive, I would never want him for a boyfriend, only sex. It’s just so interesting looking back. I suppose I must have believed some of the things he said, but I’m not naive! I would accept all those things, if I knew that he could love me. But I know that’s not the case. I never ever let him tell me he loved me, would slow him down if he claimed to feel a certain way, I guess I always knew.
I’m sorry for this long essay.. I haven’t seen him for over a year and I regard any contact we’ve had to be lies, from both of us really, I tell him what he wants to hear when I write. He tells me what he thinks I want to hear. 7-8 pages every time at least, every couple of months. It’s all slowed down now because I’ve been so busy, and less interested in keeping him occupied haha.
So after all that it’s obvious isn’t it? He definitely is sociopath or narcissistic? Carrying on trying to play games with him is silly I know, he will always win the games, but maybe I really am a masochist.
Do you not fly into a rage over the criticisms of strangers because you are a greater? My narc will fly into a rage over any ones criticisms but he will not do it in front of them only at home- so I’m usually the one punished for the crimes of strangers, friends, and co workers
Hello Margaux, sometimes and only when I see it as serving a purpose. If I keep control it is because I want to preserve the façade.
First, thanks for the blog. The information is helping me understand my own creations… and machinations.
I had a question for you that has nagged at me for years regarding narcissism. What do you do when you meet someone you want as supply, but they appear indifferent towards you? Say, someone is wealthy, famous, attractive, or empathic– any of the things you might want as supply– but she/he just doesn’t give a damn about you?
(Yet)
I’ve heard that some narcissists consider this “a worthy challenge,” and go after them EVEN HARDER than they intended, thinking that if they win this person over, that means they have won the game. Others say they are conflicted, and that they want the supply, but are ravaged by their lack of attention, and don’t know what else to do as it hurts their ego so much to not win this very successful/beautiful/rich/talented person over to them. Some I’ve heard just ignore them from then on and move on to someone else. What would your reaction be?
Another question:
I have a cluster B personality myself– Borderline. While I’m on the same spectrum as narcissists, I’m not exactly the same shade. I have empathy and very intense emotions– stronger than “normal” individuals. However, I also deeply hate criticism and have “another self” that protects me from harm and abandonment when I’m slighted. I may even abandon someone before they do the same to me out of that fear of being abandoned– even if they have done nothing wrong to me. I may defend my deepest wounds with allowing this “other self” to lash out at the person who inflicted them. I may even hate this person briefly, deep inside me, only to later regret it, for I do feel love and respect for the same person.
I have had narcissistic companions, family members, and partners my entire life. I was attracted to the disorder itself, as it’s all I’ve ever known from the day I was born. I’m not even enamored with the narcissist him or herself, as I know from the outset that they are phony just from my experiences. I am enamored with their “symptoms”. They are simply familiar to me.
Can a narcissist also have a specific attraction to certain types of people with certain personality disorders? Ones that maybe give them more supply than others? For example, a dependent personality? I know they latch onto empaths very well, or people with terribly low self-esteem, but I always wondered if they notice certain “symptoms” in individuals and target them based on that.
I can’t say if it’s fascinating or revealing that you never answered my question(s). I’d say a little of both.
I learned more than from a lack of answer than I probably would have from one with substance.
I get hundreds of comments and questions a day Nathan R and since I am an Army of One, it is most likely in moderation and if it is not perhaps you would copy and paste it to a comment now and I will have a look when I am able to do so.
A variation of my question was: when you hunt for a supply source, can you pick out people who have certain personality disorders based on their behavior, and latch on based on that revelation? Such as Dependent Personality or Borderline (like myself). Are they more attractive targets because of their susceptibility? I ask because it seems narcissists are often drawn to me, no matter how I try to avoid them. It’s not even like I’m drawn in by their “charm”– I find them to be irritating to speak to, as conversations are often muddled with “me-me-me” talk on their very loud end. They’ll just latch on, almost in a needy fashion; which is strange, considering I’m not all that nice to them once I know their angle.
My other question was: What do you do in the event of a supply (fuel, if you will) source knowing your angle and ignoring you from the get-go, and you really, really want this person as supply for whatever reason. What is your reaction when this desired supply source shuns you and won’t let you in? Do you simply move on to find someone else, or do you keep trying to find ways to sneak in?
Hi HG, I have read so much about the hows and the whys. The remaining burning question is: WHAT FOR? Yes, you and your kind are very effective in getting what you want, most of the time, and you may sail through life without empathy or remorse. But have you ever reflected upon your life, and asked yourself: “what is my purpose in this life? why am I here?” That would interest me. Thank you.
Hello Matilda, my purpose is to win.
Hi HG,
well, even if you win a battle, big or small, what will you have achieved? Nothing more than a fleeting sense of euphoria that fills the emptiness inside for a while. As soon as that wears off, you need another “fix”. And as the years go by, you probably need more fuel, and more often, to reach that same level of satisfaction. And as you choose to spend your life in this manner, I cannot help but feel sorry for you. Because there is so much more to life than ‘winning’. But I know from experience that your kind cannot be helped, or saved, so, all that is left is acceptance. In any case, you help us see them for who they are, and that is a blessing. Thank you.
What would keep a Narc from creating or committing a smear campaign? So far this appears not to have happened. It’s been almost 1 year.
Either being busy with other sources of fuel or, usually having sufficient concern that you could cause greater damage to them than they could to you, but this would be extremely rare. Most likely it is because they are focused elsewhere and do not regard you as something to be concerned about.
HG, I’ve always wanted to know is it really true that narcissists don’t feel even the slightest concern for the well being of the people they are/were involved with? Do they feel pleasure when they are hurting them? Do they really never think of them? I have read your blog on this topic but O still find it hard to wrap my head around the idea that such people exist.
Hello Dimi, any concern that may be exhibited is during the seduction and is purely done for effect in order to gain fuel and cause the victim to be drawn to us. It is not so much pleasure that is felt when we hurt somebody but power arising from the provision of negative fuel. We do think about people. When they have been discarded we tend to delete them in effect, unless they keep appearing in our spheres of influence and over time they may well just pop into our minds for reasons which I have explained in previous articles.
Thank you,HG ! 🙂
You are welcome Dimi.
I’m finding your writing vastly entertaining reading; thank you! I’m reasonably empathic, but also capable of manipulating effectively myself when I’ve a reason, with the result that the few narcissists who got close to me were left rather the worse for wear. Most were recognized and dismissed early, which was easier, though sometimes less amusing.
I’ve always found narcissists easier to manipulate than other people, both because their need for admiration and attention can be used against them and because they consistently overestimate themselves. How do you avoid running afoul of these difficulties?
Thank you Jennie. Those who over estimate their abilities as you rightly point out will be Lessers and Mid-Range narcissists who not only over estimate their own abilities but may also underestimate those of their victim, especially if they ensnare a super empath.
I am a Greater for a reason. I do not over estimate my abilities. I am highly capable. I win every battle before it is fought. I know my targets.
Thank you. Allowing for narcissistic framing, that’s more or less the answer I expected, though the framing itself is amusing. Of course you would arrange your version of the hierarchy so that ‘greater’ is defined by the traits you happen to have!
I could, of course, reframe it so that it made just as obvious sense in precisely the reverse order… but you’ve been polite to me since I appeared in your comments. I shall return the courtesy.
Wow…it pays to review old posts and comments!
This brief explanation was a welcomed epiphany!
Jennie, boy do I wish we could get coffee… I suspect you and I would have a whole lot to talk about…
I have a question on a situation that took place last weekend. It’s a few questions actually. Last Friday my ex narc shows up at my door crying. I have been away from him for 4 months. Absolutely no communication for only 2 weeks. Although previous communication was only about our daughter. He was crying and handed me a note. I read the note and it was a will. He preceded to tell me how he new he was a horrible person, and caused so much pain and was ready to take his life. HOw he was so sorry for hurting me. I wasn’t in the mood for his games so I simply told him he didn’t have to take his own life, I would be happy to do it for him. He looked at me confused and stopped his crying. Question one.. I thought narcs didn’t accept responsibility? Was he just desperate to reel me back in or running low on fuel? Along with the story he begged for us to take our daughter to the pumpkin patch the next day. I agreed, I knew he would pay for everything and I needed a fix too. So the next day was wonderful. He pampered me, was attentive to our daughter and I. Later that night we had some friends over. Well his minions I call them. I was shocked at the sight of his main minion. He morphed into him. Shaved his head like his. Wore clothes like him. Kept trying to convince me of how he was like him. Intimidating and strong. His mental state was obviously declining. He seemed wounded. He kept screaming at my ex saying he never takes responsibility. Question 2 why is this. Later we played poker. I played but the entire night I was observing. Just watching everybody being just the sweetest host. When everyone left my ex came to me and says. I notice you observing. Did you notice what I did? Before I could answer he continued I let Greg win, and showered him with food and drinks because next time it would be easier to manipulate him. Next time I could gain more money…. Now what did you observe. Why would he tell me his games? He knows I already know who he is. You could imagine the rest of the night. I haven’t responded to any text or calls since then. Your insight on the situation would be most enlightening. Thank you
Hello Liz,
1. Yes we do not do responsibility. This was all an act which arose because he was low on fuel and therefore he was anxious, feeling sorry for himself and thus he rolled out this pity play. Notice how his demeanour altered when you stung him with criticism?
2. He then rolled out a benign hoover since the pity play failed. The benign hoover worked and you went to the pumpkin patch. He gained fuel.
3. Can you clarify, was your ex morphing into this main minion or was it the other way around?
4. He is telling you his games in order to gain fuel from you so you admire his manipulative prowess (or rather he hopes that you will), he was also trying to ameliorate the fact he lost and save face. (If he is a Greater, I would alter this to suggest that he is dropping a hint that he knows you think you have manipulated him viz a viz the pumpkin patch but he is wise to it.)
Last question: Hypothetically G. :What would have happened if some from blog has identified Your person but would remain silent about it?
They wouldnt do so but assuming they did, if they are keeping silent about it, I would not know, unless you mean they tell me and keep it to themselves, in that scenario unlikely as it is, there is a contingency.
Truth be known, you can find out anything if you have the resources. Meaning the money and the right people.I have often though what it would cost to do so with someone. I know the cost as I have considered doing this with one or two in my life. >
I hired a P.I. before. I’m sure monetarily it’s relative to whether you’re in a metro area or rural plus any travel fees.
All true and also what info you want. The more you want to know the more it cost. My friend is a PI. >
Hi dear G. Few questions for You 🙂
1. Are You one of these narcissists loving a public sex?
2. How to seduce a Narcissist from Your point of view?
3. Have You ever had dreams perhaps when You were younger?
4. Do You like art i.e. paintings?
5. How would You describe beauty in terms of a woman?
I hope that’s not inappropriate 🙂
1. Yes if I see that it will serve a purpose for me.
2. I have no need to seduce a narcissist but if I did I would adopt the targeting techniques as set out in SITTING TARGET.
3. I do not recall.
4. Yes I do, very much.
5. Beauty is multi-layered. It can manifest in the colour of her eyes, the tone of her voice, the shape of her wrists, her intellect, her compassion, her sense of humour and so many, many other attributes, traits and characteristics can be ascribed the notion of beauty. I have learned that beauty is as much a trait of the holder as it is a construct of the beholder. I would describe someone who provides copious amounts of potent fuel as beautiful. Other people would not and would pick something else.
OMG Eureka for you! HG I fit number 5 to a tee. >
Query: Since N’s don’t experience emotions in the usual sense, and tend to view them as superfluous, self-indulgent weaknesses of other peoples’ character– what do you make of almost every song or poem ever written, in which the writer expresses feelings of love, tenderness, longing and the like? Is it all reduced down to rhythm, beat, melody, harmony, cadence, form, etc? How could you be moved if there are no emotions evoked?
I can appreciate the skill used in the writing, the picture that is created and as you identify the various points you make concerning beat etc. Of course certain works appeal far more than others and those which conjure positive emotions are recognised and seized upon as devices which we can then use for our own machinations.
I forgot to mention he’s adopted so the siblings are not biological. He knows his birth mother wanted to abort him. The family discussed this freely. But he has never met her.
Diagnosed by s GP not a psychiatrist or psychologist. Pristiq is the medication. He talked of bouts of extreme anger including nearly choking someone to death but his siblings revealed the anger existed from childhood not since his military service. He said I would never see him mad if he could help it creating the silent treatments. It was unleashed on me post discard.
It is feasible that PTSD and the effects of the anti-depressant might have a flattening effect on his emotional condition. It is interesting to note that reference is made to the genesis of his anger being from childhood. Have his siblings (assuming that what they say is accurate) referred to what caused his anger issues?
Just spoke of a terrible temper. He sought the medication after a suspension from work. I of course excused all of Narc behaviors out of fear of igniting this anger and my empathy. I did call him a Narcissist once & he agreed. He also says his son is a psychopath so he’s at least better than that.
My last N ( there’s been 3, I’m a “super empath) used PTSD & his meds for it to cover for his lack of emotion. How would this effect your type?
Hello Victory, is the PTSD diagnosed or is he using that as an excuse? What are the meds? Was he actually taking them or again was this just asserted but not true?
It’s okay Lee (I mean HG) don’t worry if you can’t answer my previous question.
I have another which may be more suited to you.
If you could only choose one source of fuel for the remainder of your days, positive or negative, which would you chose ?
Lee – ha you wish.
Why must I be bound to one choice? I do as I like. I choose whatever I want. If I want both types of fuel, I get both types of fuel.
However, since you make me laugh I will play along.
Positive.
Hmmm interesting …………
You are positively negative my dear HG! I am surprised you answered this question. But it is nice to see you picked + over -.
I see what you did there.
I am baffled. Why does a narc not, in the least, play along, to reinforce that positive fuel?