Questioning Me

Do feel free to ask me anything you like. I am here for you to dip into my mind and for you to benefit from learning how I view the world. No question is off limits and if you want to establish a dialogue with me, then so much the better. You will be helping me so I can show the treatment team that I am interacting with people in this setting. You can ask me why I do certain things, what am I thinking, what my favourite food is, whatever you like. This is your chance to extract as much knowledge and information from me as you possibly can. If you want to just make a statement, go ahead. Fill your boots. I don’t know you so I won’t fly into a rage (this does happen when people I know question me but that is because they have an agenda – you don’t because we don’t know one another). I look forward to hearing from you.

Advertisements

912 thoughts on “Questioning Me”

  1. HG,

    Pardon me if someone else has already asked you this. I would like to know what circumstances compelled you into treatment, as well as what benefit your doctors are hoping you will derive from writing about yourself and interacting with your audience. I presume the purpose is educational, both for you as well as those who interact with you. In regards to your treatment, do you think it has helped you in any way and if it has, how so? How do you feel about being made to accept treatment and write about yourself to warn others? Do you enjoy writing and interacting or is it just another task for you to complete? Will your treatment ever be deemed complete and if so, what will become of your blog?

    I hope you don’t mind me asking such personal questions. I am a very curious person by nature, and I also want to understand this experience from your perspective. Whatever your thoughts and feelings are, I want you to know that your efforts here make a difference and that you are appreciated.

  2. HG,
    I am recently out of a relationship with a low to mid range narc and they have been trying to hoovering me back in. I have initiated contact with them only so I can exert my own power over them (as a way to gain back what was taken from me in the relationship). So far they have been allowing me to have this control back. They let me insult them with no real response, and I have been pretty terrible to them with no backlash at all from them. I know that I am supplying them with some negative fuel, but they are also allowing me to exert control over them, which I find strange. Is this person so desperately lacking in fuel that they are taking whatever they can get? I think their back up fuel supply rejected them. What does a narcissist look like when they are unable to get an adequate supply of fuel?

    1. It is they who are controlling you, you are providing fuel, which is what the narcissist wants. You are given the illusion of control, but you do not have it and your emotional thinking is feeding your sense of purported control so you continue to engage with the narcissist. Impose no contact.

  3. HG honestly I think you should get some sort of Nobel Prize for your contribution here.
    I know you don’t do it to be a helper healer but that is exactly what you are doing .I am still astounded at myself , it must be the consults also .For a year I couldnt stop contact I would practically collapse in a panic at the thought despite being treated like crap.
    Reading here , I did my own little narc detector experiment and monitored ex narcs actions over a 3 month period .
    It was hilarious how predictable he was once I had the information you give.I could look at it from the outside and feel my emotional responses dilute right down.It was like a scientific study for me , and the results aligned exactly with what you teach us.
    Once I fully knew it was easy to hit the delete button.No fear ,no panic , no what ifs ,no whys ,no buts it was natural, painless and empowering.
    Am I mad to think it could be that easy , I’m worried I could suddenly start getting angsty but I’m not so far it’s quite fascinating .I can even read romance again , and listen to love songs without feeling sick.
    Next to buy a new phone .

    1. Your emotional thinking is a powerful enemy but in certain instances the empowerment which comes with the acquisition of knowledge provided by me enables some people to be far more robust and apply logic and conquer ET far faster than others. For other people it takes longer, but it is still eminently achievable.

      1. Thank you HG for your reply.I really do appreciate that you find time to reply to us despite your busy schedule.It does help.
        A bit of ET clicking in today , a tough day and I expected it to happen at some stage, so I wont let myself drown in it.
        There will be good days and harder ones in the future I know that and Im learning so much here.
        Its just the void thats all.
        Keep reading when I feel it and it will pass.

  4. HG,
    I can’t believe NPD is incurable. There must be something, some kind of therapy… Something newly discovered..I don’t know..
    I understand that narcs don’t want to change and I’ve also read that therapy actually makes it worse, but I still wonder what if there is a way.

    HG,
    how do you imagine your life when you’re old and no longer attractive and you can’t get any more fuel ? Don’t you ever wish you can be cured and experience the normal people’s emotions? Grow old with one person only, stuff like that…

  5. Another thing I wanted to say was I wanted to tell La Nuit étoilée (one of the commenters here) that I DID finally see the Loving Vincent film, recently. Had to buy the DVD which is cool with me.

    The writing is meh. But the visuals are outstanding. Definitely worth it for all who love Van Gogh. I love Theo too for supporting his brother as he did. We all need a Theo in our lives:

  6. Another question just popped into my head. Thankfully this is not a public forum because I’d have nothing in the moment. I am someone who needs to mull something over for a time.

    OK, I have been wondering. Dr. Sam has said something like, “All narcissists are misogynists.” I think he later edited ‘all’ to ‘most’, as in, “most male narcissists are misogynists.”

    Most…all. I don’t know. This is from one of his 10,000 YT videos. Don’t ask me which one.

    What are your thoughts on this? Are male narcissists misogynists? Or is it myopic to even ask, as narcissists are not gender specific in terms of those they hurt?

    I’ve been curious as to your thoughts on this.

    1. All appliances are there to be manipulated, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, religion etc. We are equal opportunity manipulators.

    2. Interesting question, Bibi. Mine has 3 young adult daughters and 0 sons. That was one reason I trusted him not to be a complete shithead. But it made absolutely no difference. I don’t think narc can project what he does onto his own daughters, unlike the suddenly ‘woke’ #MeToo guys whose empathy light goes on because they have daughters. Narc is totally unaware of what he does and so cannot even take that step. Still, I think I prefer men who actually LIKE women!

  7. HG, I think you probably have answered this before, but you have never pursued another narcissist romantically, correct? I could imagine some somatic woman showering you with that initial fuel, at least in the beginning, playing all nice. So how do you reject such fuel? Or do they too somehow ‘know’ and not pursue you?

  8. HG, for what reasons would a narcissist do kind things? Examples being pick up your favorite snack, help with household chores (happens once in a blue moon and always comes as a shock), cook you something “just because” occasionally? There are other items but these are what come to mind in this moment. Thanks!

  9. I stumbled upon HG’s YouTube videos looking for insight into my Mother’s behaviour – in the sad aftermath of my Father’s death earlier this year. He died alone in a Nursing Home – my Mother inexplicably deciding to go home despite Doctors advice that this was it, he was dying…
    I saw my Father change over the years from a confident, charismatic individual ( and talented professional artist ) into a complete shadow of his former self. He became a walking apology for his own existance.
    I knew there was something deeply wrong with my Mum even as a child – I was a victim of her daily inchoate rages and bizarre controlling behaviours and suffered all the psychological consequences. Later on in life and after a recovery of sorts in therapy in my 20’s I begged my Dad to consider getting her into therapy. Further down the line I just pleaded with him to leave her – after she had had multiple affairs with other men & humiliated him beyond belief – all to no avail.
    I wish I had known about NPD before and pointed my Dad in the direction of HG’s and others insights into the condition & writings. Whether it would have made a difference & finally convinced him to leave the prison of his existence who knows…I suspect not – and now it is too late.
    Prior to my Father’s passing my Mother convinced him to transfer the last remaining property asset that wasn’t already jointly owned to herself. She has stated to me on numerous occasions ‘you aren’t ever getting a ‘fxxking penny’ – those riches are destined no doubt for my younger brother, the Golden child. He is an utter automaton – blithely repeating all her statements without even an edit function, the only difference being a deeper masculine voice! It is extremely disconcerting – he has little independent personality to her and is emotionally reactive to the slightest of criticism s directed at her. This despite being married & pushing 40. My sister is the forgotten child, content to survive on the scraps of feigned affection rarely thrown her way – and a self harmer to boot.
    I am of course, in case you missed it – the Black Sheep.
    I am currently in the process of challenging this transfer of property which I beleive my Father had intended for myself – on the basis of undue influence and or lack of capacity ( he had dementia ). My Mother – having done almost everything in her power to stop me coming home to visit my Dad in the last 10/15 years – is now focusing her efforts into driving a wedge between myself and my ( only ) daughter from a previous marriage. Slowly but surely it seems to be working, and she is increasingly questioning the veracity of my statements and version of events in favour of my Mother’s. Needless to say the objective ‘Truth’ of the matter is irrelevant here. Apart from my current partner my daughter is all I have – being almost totally estranged from my siblings – so seeing her potentially slip away like this is devastating.
    It is all done, very subtly – through insinuation, implication – my Mum knows it won’t be easy to turn her ‘away’ from me so her methods reflect that. My poor ole Dad just got The Daily Rage!
    There is a photo of him a few years before his death – a school reunion – my Dad literally looks haunted in that picture, his face devoid of colour despite his Latin origins – like a bleached out skull, already dead.
    My situation cannot be remedied by No Contact – my questions to HG if he were listening would be – how can I begin to reclaim my daughter from my Mother’s pernicious influence? In addition how should I proceed to also reclaim some of my Father’s estate. Of course the latter is a legal matter – but with the added complication being that the other party is a Narcissist ( a lower mid ranger I suspect ) to whom any attempts at mediation will most likely be rebuffed with an instant retort of ‘Fxxk You’! ( her favourite words btw ). I also suspect far from fearing exposure and/or the financial implications of a potential court appearance in all her grandiosity she will see it as a glorious opportunity to shine and slay me – her enemy – in front of a sychophantic and admiring public.
    Do I have my work cut out – yes, but for the memory of my Dad, the respect of my daughter and yes indeed also for financial reasons – I have to take this course. Perhaps HG you might be able to advise – any insight you can offer would be very much appreciated.
    To everyone else – thanks for listening.

    1. Hello, given the detail involved in this matter and further in terms of the information I can provide you with, this is a matter best suited to a consultation.

      1. Thank you for responding. I was considering an email consultation with you going forward.
        Will be in touch

    2. I am so sorry Naugahydes! That is a terrible situation and I am so sorry for the loss of your father.

      You are a strong courageous person to have survived what you have and I see you still fighting for what you love.

      Can you go no contact with your mother, at least outside of the legal negotiations?

      I hope you get time with your daughter. The more interaction you have with her without all the subtle manipulation she sees from your mother might make her realize the difference. Also, if your daughter would agree to joint therapy with you or even therapy on her own. That may help her understand the confusing thoughts and feelings she may be having and shed some light on the situation.

      Much love and hugs!

      1. Thank you for the kind words. I have been No Contact with my Mother since my last conversation with her – when she started arguing with me on the phone as my Dad was dying in bed at the Nursing home. She left to go home the next day – inexplicably – and he passed away a few hours later, without any family members being present.
        I couldn’t get there in time or subsequently attend the funeral as I was recovering from a serious medical operation in a foreign country.
        To be honest I was relieved I couldn’t attend the funeral. That may sound odd to some but the thought of having to stand alongside my Mother as she play acted ‘Grief’ would have been just too much. To all intents and purposes most people in attendance considered my parents marriage a happy one and why wouldnt they – not being privy to what went on went the front door slammed shut.
        I read HG’s recent piece on Death & it’s rituals from the Narcissists perspective with interest

  10. I don’t know where to respond in the thread re: CPR’s claim that HG threw a ‘tantrum’ but I will say that in reading his response it was perfectly honest and reasonable. CPR is imbuing the terseness, as I see none.

    However, in CPR’s defense, it is easy to take no-nonsense answers as the one HG gave as somehow a slight, given our emotional nature, but he is only one person with two hands and there is only so much that one man can comment on at a given time. He can be a Greater but he is also mortal and needs to sleep and eat.

    There is a shit ton of answers he provides at no cost, which is more than what you’ll get from elsewhere. That he recommends his books, why shouldn’t he? This is his blog.

    Having said that, I do think that once HG clarified himself, it should just be left as such and move on. I know can be a wise-ass sometimes and I have in the past worried that I might have ruffled his fluffy demon wings, but he always comes across sensibly and politely. So it was just my own paranoia. LOL

    CPR felt slighted by the initial response and HG clarified that he meant no ill intent. So just as we wish to be heard, we also have to listen when someone else tells us they meant no malice.

    Drinks, anyone? Shots? Who wants tequila?

    1. Very reasonable. One of the problems that can arise of course with the written word is that the recipient often interprets the communication in their mindset as opposed to how the writer intends it.

      1. HG, I commented in the Dolus Malus Prologue about me noticing one of your readers acting very strangely. I was referring to Catherine Parr CPR. I noticed her constant aggressiveness towards you and was always surprised by the politeness in your replies to her.
        Her attitude is not new, she has been angry at you for some time.
        Now, up to you to air or not this comment.

      2. HG

        Very true.
        To be fair I am guilty of this sometimes and really have to reign a bit of insecurity in from time to time. Im getting better at it. The point is best to keep trying and growing.

      1. Glad to have been of some service. One of my fave comments from someone involved a person I wasn’t sure was a troll or not. (S)he came out and accused HG of being a narcissist, wherein HG said something to his audience like, ‘Should I tell her or should you?’

        ‘If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were a narcissist!’ She said.

        I think it is hilarious in arguments when someone states the obvious yet thinks they’re making an important point. Reminds me of a Psychology Today article.

        ‘You know, narcissists seem to be really selfish sometimes.’
        ‘If I didn’t know better, I’d say they are pretty self-centered.’

        Derp.

      2. Bibi…hiya.

        Haha…yes…..it is funny. I’m sure I’ve said it to someone before in a kind of irritated irony, like oh you are such a narcissist or stop being such a narcissist!! (like it is a choice!) Lol… but it was meant sarcastically and I laughed irritatedly…
        I know what you mean though.
        On another note
        I can’t press any likes because I’m not on WordPress…hence I maybe send a thumbs up or a Little Comment.
        I don’t stay subscribed to one comment for a long time because I am using a cellphone to access the site and to comment. I have alerts going off right left and centre if I don’t unsubscribe after a short while. This particular thread has become so long that it takes ages to load up on my phone and I’m having difficulty now trying to comment and load up and reply to specific comments in the specific places….
        I think I miss some comments too. I cannot find them again later also when they are as long as this thread is..

        Previously I also could not get the notification alerts to come on for a bit
        There have been a lot of good comments in in-between all of that after unsubscribing…. it was a JavaScript error in the end and I found it…. just a little tit for anyone else is having that checking JavaScript settings if it’s the phone or whatever… perhaps I should just sign up to WordPress and have done with it lol…eye roll….

  11. Any question?? 😁HG do you ever deep deep down in passing moments of thought,secretly hope/ wish/ that you could find that one special someone with whom you would not have to seek fuel from? Or do you really see no other way For yourself?

  12. Just to let anybody know I cannot subscribe to the notification the comments alerts.

    They will not come through despite ticking every box ..if I miss anybody’s comments I apologise.

  13. Hello Clarece

    Re my question about the void in the mirror etc…

    I did not see your comment following on from it because I wasn’t subscribed to this thread any longer… I tend to unsubscribe after a small period of time and then go to a new thread… I sometimes miss comments I think.

    It would be interesting to gauge whether we would pick up on any triggers and see the darkness in HG

    I don’t think we would, at least I speak for myself.
    I think I’d feel the magnetism and charisma of him but equally would know what he is in my mind.

    I don’t think it makes it any easier knowing what he is. I don’t think it’s stops the feelings when someone like him is charming and charismatic.

    When he stopped being that way that would be the trigger for us but it certainly wouldn’t be there beforehand. But I think it does depend on our own selves as to whether we are holding back or not in a relatively futile attempt to protect our feelings.

    All this as being hypothetical based on that we were stood in front of him and know what he is.

    Fixing what is broken: I don’t believe it’s possible, if he isnt particularly broken as such, it’s just a different way of operating he has. Again it depends on our empathic type as to whether we are the healer type of empath and end up feeling we must “fix” …if we were to find ourself in front of him and know what he is.

    If in this kind of experiment scenario we stood in front of him knowing what he is hoping to gauge the situation of his darkness and look into his eyes, I don’t think it would make any difference to us personally as to the way he operates, it would be just whether we have the strength to protect ourselves from the possible hurt in the event of inevitable devaluation triggers.

    And although our interaction would be very personal for us I don’t think really it’s that personal …as he does what he does for the fuel, it’s just all about the fuel. It just doesn’t seem that personal to me, it’s just about him doing what he does to get the fuel as we know.

    I guess that is why he still would show the mirror even when we know what he is.
    I think he will still remain to be what he is and at the end of the day.. we will still be what we are.

    If hypothetically we were thrown in front of one another in this experimental scenario, I dont think It would save us from the machinations regardless, and we would not save him from the alleged broken state as such that we perceive due to his dark ways.

    He operates differently we know that and it will probably be the case and not change dramatically.

    I dare say HG evolves continually and it will unfold as time goes by.

    Our empathy is optimism and hope for positive change as we perceive positivity to mean at least that abuse and unkindness is minimised from him at times.

    That impostor hope is a little bit like us walking across the Plains of Africa and hoping to sit safely next to a marauding lion. Beautiful, magnificent, natural in its environment. King of it’s own land …dangerous for most.

    I hope this doesn’t duplicate my phone crashed in the middle of sending it.

    1. Thank you for your observations Debbie! We are all becoming aware and more vigilant in our daily lives after learning here. Many of us, now, if we recognize a Narc, we alter our behavior to conserve our energy. Not put a lot of effort into trying too hard with them (if they are relatives or co-workers). Or just back away completely.
      It’s just a “what if” scenario on coming face to face with HG and what that could be like. I think it also depends how long some have been here and engaged just on the blog or with consultations too
      HG maintains he needs to stay anonymous for his professional life and personal life because no one knows what he truly is. Could something be different for him getting to know someone as an acquaintance or friend who DOES know and is not a doctor in a clinical setting? No, it won’t change him or his need for fuel. But could it affect how triggers for devaluing occur and reduce them?

      1. This is interesting Clarece and Debbie!

        If we were to encounter HG in the real world would we know?

        Can you imagine! I think I would be like a deer in headlights!

        The problem with HG allowing one person to know who he truly is, is that he would then no longer be in control. Knowledge is power and someone else would have that over him. He has no trust and cannot connect to open up to allow that. If he could test it, he would be exposing his true self. I wonder if he struggles with this when thinking of going public?

        I think this is why our nex’s never had that honest conversation with us about who they are. Why they do what they do. They can’t. They lose control.

        I like Debbie’s analogy of the lion powerful in his own domain, thinking we could sit next to him – without being mauled – is hope and probably the reason so many of us stayed for far longer with our nex’s than we should have.

      2. Presque Vu,
        In this context though, an encounter with HG would be regulated by doctors monitoring the situation and checking in with each of us. As far as HG’s control… it would just be a different challenging situation for him to figure out how to keep trying to have it. With me, I don’t ever seek trying to control or have power over someone. I have had this very talk with him in our consults. The way I interact here on the blog is the same offblog with people in my personal life. The way I interact with HG would just carry over. Ya know…he would be the one making it all weird with his voodoo Narc power trips. lol
        With regard to the lion analogy, that was a very valid observation. I have a side obsession with Big Cat Conservation, particularly lions. Out of the 5 Big Cats, they are the most social living in groups. Yes, they are an Apex Predator and can be brutally savage, no doubt. On the other end, they are incredibly protective, affectionate and loving towards the members of their pride. The contrast there is mind blowing. Trust takes a very long time to slowly build and be in someone’s presence unobtrusively. But it can happen.

      3. Hi Clarece.

        if somebody knew what he was and they met him as a personal friend or acquaintance or whatever and they did know what he was then of course things would be definitely different but from the victims point of view.

        It interests me that HG would still show the mirror which is exactly what he does already when somebody does not know.

        I would suspect though that although HG would show the mirror and be the same way he usually is he will have higher expectations of someone who knows what he is. It could possibly make devaluation triggers more sensitive if anything, if not just because it could be applied as a further manipulation to then say to someone “well you should know how to deal with this” and also for him to think it and become doubly disappointed.

        Because the problem with the fuel is it needs to be provided in massive quantities but then he is bored. If the fuel isn’t as forthcoming devaluation again because it’s not forthcoming.

        Nowhere on Earth could there be such a large Catch 22.
        Well, this is HG. He has to have the biggest best version of even that. Haha.

        Give it to me or else.
        Oh no, you’ve given it all to me, now you’ve got a problem.
        Whether somebody knows him or not.

        It could be said to be typical of us empaths to wonder that we could stop what he does by simply knowing what he is.
        Again…the fixing routine.

        Do we see his perspective or do we want him to alter it?
        Or adopt another?
        We already know how well he gets ‘our’ perspective.

        He completely understands us.
        Does this stop him?
        Far from it. On the contrary.
        It is useful to him in personal life.

        A person who knows what he is can only deal with it in the various ways that that particular individual would see fit.

        HG is wonderful to us as readers and we have a certain rapport with him. For this reason it becomes difficult to associate him sometimes with his malicious side.

        It is almost as though because someone would know what he is then in some way it would facilitate his behaviour to be more like he is here on the blog, in other words without the malice that he does describe of himself.

        He does moderate his behaviour towards readers but he admits this is not the way he is in personal life with these sources of his. Mainly the IPPS who gets the brunt of all the horror. However we know that secondary sources often have extended golden periods and I don’t see any change there.. and perhaps it may make a difference afterall to a secondary source who knows what he is, who can understand his nomadic behaviour and needs and probably avoid triggering him at times.

        But again it also depends just on him and what else is going on with him as to how he is towards someone at any given moment.
        Whilst he says he learns things and perhaps does not fly off the handle into a fury with us here, he does and will outside of here because all is as the fuel dictates.

        He has a way of operating which is the way he likes to operate and which he has repeatedly said will not change.

        I personally do not rule out some change because that would be illogical I don’t know much in life that is that static.

        Does it even go against the law of Physics to say that nothing will ever change lol ?!

        I see that it could be difficult as I said earlier in as much as I think his expectations of the person who knows what he is would be extra high and it could possibly be even more difficult for the Victim.

        I think the person who knows and who is with him romantically would have to jump through smaller hoops.

        If it is the case that because of the victim being expected to “know better” then I believe the hoover trigger is extra sensitive and devaluation could well commence sooner.

        Re: Malicious side.
        If HG is full of the malice as he frequently describes in the articles, then it would make logical sense that him knowing that the victim knows what he is would be used against that person somehow. I would say a Devils Tool Kit by its very nature always leaves room for new tools.

        HG admits that what he has learnt here has also helped him to fine-tune his manipulations out in the real world. This somewhat implies a new tool right there.

        Nevertheless I still think that knowing what he is preferable.

        And the chips will fall where they may.

        All anyone who knew what he is would have to ask themselves is: are you in? Or are you out?

        Of course with his hegemonic dominance going on HG can and does close the table at will.

        The game is on when he says it’s on ..not until he says.. and it’s over when he says.. until it’s not.

        This is the king of his own land.
        we can’t deny this is the case because he is successful at what he does.

        There are those who believe this whole blog is one big Gaslight… I say to them well you’re either in or you’re out…

        Personally I’m in.
        I know this is good work and what he is telling us is true.
        And as a consequence we learn a great deal.
        It is personal growth.
        This learning curve we are grateful for and in return this work grows too ..the legacy.

      4. DebbieWolf “There are those who believe this whole blog is one big Gaslight… I say to them well you’re either in or you’re out…

        Personally I’m in.
        I know this is good work and what he is telling us is true.”

        Ditto ~MB

      5. Hi Debbie,
        “Do we see his perspective or do we want him to alter it? Or adopt another? We already know how well he gets ‘our’ perspective.”
        That’s what an experiment would explore. The actual exchanges and give and take. We’ve all said it’s one thing to read an article here about perspectives and motives behind the behaviors, with cause and effect, but it’s completely different when you are having a conversation and it goes instantly into word salad or becomes accusatory or critical or confusing, etc. When you are living in the moment of these random occurrences, they still take can take you off guard. Then later when you replay it in your mind, you can break down and logically see where a manipulation came into play.
        There are those who think this blog is either a “gaslight” or that HG is really a predator researching future victims who he will know their complete backstory on. He may achieve his Grand Design, pull the plug on this and ride off in the sunset into the English countryside never to be heard from again. And none of us will ever know how the end plays out.

      6. Hi Clarece

        Ah…our lovely English countryside..nothing like it. It is beautiful I admit.

        Yes. HG could do that ..unlikely.
        No one knows for sure.
        The blog could end sometime.
        Or evolve into something else.
        Whatever happens with it or not there is no end to HG.
        That is already a done deal.

        The catalogue of work is permanent now.
        If he finds a sunset he still leaves all the work to reach out to all those who reach in.

        He will still be making his mark wherever he goes even if those who knew of him beforehand end up not knowing where that is.

        No lights under the bushell-like English hedgerows possible …haha.

      7. Clarece, I see your point.

        Would he be truly tested though if he can control you? Somewhere along the line the control would need to be stripped or shared. That fine balance between giving and taking. If you disagreed, or said no.. it’s control for you and HG would have to amend behaviours which could be highlighted in clinical conditions. As we know, he doesn’t like other people to have the control. That’s probably one of the biggest things to address.

        I was thinking about your big brother example last night. Other people involved would lead to triangulation and if he suffered boredom there would be other people to play with. But one on one. I feel he could learn so much because he’d still be getting fuel, there is nobody else in person to run to, and overtime perhaps through the experiment would realise not everybody is out to hurt him when he becomes vulnerable.

        I am in no way an expert I’ll leave the clinical stuff to you, I just found your comments interesting because they made me think. ‘What could help HG’.. what has he not yet tried etc. I know he’s happy as he is but I was thinking of HG’s legacy as well in terms of psychological research.

        Imagine, just imagine that through HG’s awareness, psychopaths and sociopaths and narcissists could be helped. I know it’s controversial to some when I say this, BUT they have been damaged like so many of us here. They went one way, we went the other. What if….

      8. Ultimately, it would help victims. They would feel validated finally. They would have an awakening. If this kind of research can eventually lead to adjusting behaviors enough to reduce malicious and sadistic behavior, help people manage their impulse controls better, then it would be worth it.
        HG is not happy as he is because he doesn’t feel happy. When he’s well fueled he feels powerful and invincible. He does get restless and bored easily though. An experiment like this is definitely something new that he has not experienced and I’m sure piques his interest. Especially if done right, it would appeal to him being associated with a one of a kind study with him at the helm for Narcissistic Research. It’s unchartered waters for him.

      9. Clarece

        I do have a problem with HG being in the centre of an experiment …as thougth all these various victims would be almost entitled to that as though he is a virtual public service.

        Centre of attention is one thing..but it is a bit dehumanizing to be in that kind of position.

        The help is in the work and by consult.

        He cant be laid out like an unfortunate creature in science class.

        I do know what you mean by the experiment and that no offence or harm is meant…it just makes me feel uncomfortable to think of such a situation as though he isnt even human.

        People become unfortunate victims but they are not completely helpless and not entitled to get better by watching someone in the spotlight reacting and non reacting to various provocations or stimuli in order for them to move forward.

        Even contemplating it for me personally feels like a lack of compassion all round.
        Too clinical.
        Cold.

        The boy in him that was forced to stand outside in the cold until he could recite something impeccably cannot be the man to stand in a public goldfish bowl for perousal…

        I know it is hypothetical of course and just something to think about and this is nothing personal to you Clarice at all it just makes my heart break to think of him in such an experiment and that is all I am saying. X

        I cant cant entertain the thought without feeling sick..

  14. HG, have you heard from 12345? She doesn’t comment often but it has been a while she doesn’t comment at all. I was wondering about her today.

    1. Hi Clarece , I mean this very kindly , as someone already pointed out to me the very same thing about myself. I enjoy your comments and respect you but Are you romanticising HG just a little.
      That is just my observation and please correct me if I am wrong.
      He is evasive and mysterious yes but he is NOT someone to be fantasising about meeting.
      Is there a tiny piece of you that believes you can crack him ,change him in some way.You cannot.It would be nice to think as empaths that HG would change but isn’t that thinking exactly the problem we need to look at ,the reason why we ended up here.
      Are we replacing our real life narc with HG , trying to get him to be vulnerable ,open up ,I ask these questions because I think it is the very thing that trapped us all with ex narcs in the first place.
      Hugs

      1. Hi Kiki,

        All is fine! Back in the day when HG had time to converse more in his comments, we had much more back and forth dialogue. I recall one time he told me he was going to send his Bat Mobile to pick me up at 8:00 the next night. There is just a good-natured comfort level as far as his help to me and my questions to him.

      2. I do it, to an extent.
        Romantacizing HG is certainly safer than obsessing over my own n-ex.

      3. Hi NarcAngel. Good to “see” you too 🙂 I’m doing better, little at a time. The court stuff is finally all behind me, so i can start to relax. I’ve just been working on my prime aims: get healthy! Mind-body-soul

  15. HG:

    Have you ever had a consultation with someone who claimed to be a victim but after speaking to them you figured they were a Mid-Ranger? Do you think any narcissists would continually read your blog?

    1. 1. Yes.
      2. I know of a handful that do (of course they do not know what they are) and one does so obsessively.

      1. Am I the narcissist you speak of HG? My ex said I was and I sometimes feel I am. But reading your blog has gave me food for thought. I do read the blog every day, I can be selfish, self centred, arrogant, hurtful, manipulative and again, just bloody selfish. It is true I’m 9 months NC and it’s been hard! I still think about him constantly! If I’m a narc, is it a case of two narcs collide? Because I don’t know if I’m one or not would that make me a lower or mid? Just as I seek answers to wtf happened with my last relationship, I also seek it about myself. If I am a narc, I’d like to know. I’d like some self awareness.

      2. I also wonder how you distinguish narcissists from empaths based on their browsing behaviour. Because I think that most victims, when they first discover this blog, will start reading obsessively. (And come back to check for new comments) Is it that the empaths will leave after a while, because they’ve gathered enough information, and the narcissists will stay? Or can you tell from the comments?

      3. Ooh HG I’m obsessively reading these last few weeks , and commenting ,now I’m worried am I one also , he was one I know .
        Yikes now I’m analysing everything.

      4. To avoid a slew of comments asking “is it me” the relevant individual has not had anything posted for some time.

      5. “To avoid a slew of comments asking “is it me” the relevant individual has not had anything posted for some time.”

        Is it me?
        or
        I definitely chose the wrong moment for my trips…🙄
        If before I was curious, now…

      6. I always thought of myself as a magnet empathic since reading your work. However, I have been under a lot of high conflict situations. My narc ex said he has never met anyone who uses deflection like I do. I watched some video of Kelly Ann Conway doing interviews, and that’s me under pressure for sure. And I have used deflection since I was a child, and it annoys my father. It makes me question things.

      7. OMG. Presque Vu just wrote my thoughts. I’m always like, ‘It’s me! I did it! I can be incredibly self absorbed, temperamental, moody, self-pitying, envious,etc.

        I am also a 4 on the Enneagram. But my envy is different from what you describe in Fuel. As example, material things don’t bring me envy and it stems from a feeling of lack within, so I’ll think that everyone else is happy but I am always alone and depressed, poor me, boo hoo. So my envy comes out of an inferiority that I regard for myself (which I hate). It takes self-talk to pull myself out.

        My mom is an empath but she is very subtle with her emotion–she does not get angry much and it is near impossible to get her excited about anything. In my youth I viewed this as a rejection and so I would do shit to piss her off just to get an emotional reaction out of her (negative fuel!)

        As I have gotten older I have learned to handle this better but what a little shit I was.

      8. Just to follow up. It is telling how easy it would be to gaslight by saying, ‘Yes it is you.’ Which, I might have asked this before but are narcissists susceptible to gaslighting?

      9. Lol HG, you are like the pastor of that small congregation. His wife was ill. During the sermon, he told the congregation “Thank you so much. We got fruit and eggs from all of you, except from one.” The next day he was loaded with fruit and eggs.

      10. HG, why don’t you tell someone they are a narcissist if they don’t realize it?
        I haven’t noticed any of the commenters I’ve read who sound like one. It would be helpful if we could learn how to spot it.

  16. HG,
    You have stated:
    HG Tudor
    AUGUST 21, 2018 AT 21:46
    “The IPPS provides the bulk of fuel needs but there is always room for some negative fuel form elsewhere”

    My reflections and questions:

    As I understand it , it is not really that there is always room for negative fuel but rather that there is a permanent need of negative fuel regardless of how much validation and admiration ( positive fuel) and well fuelled the narcissist is.

    This imperishable need arises from the permanent deep-rooted feelings of inadequacy ,of shame for not being good enough that lies within the narcissist.
    This explains the core of the narcissist’s abusive behaviour.The narcissist per se then is abusive.

    So it is not really about the contrast between positive fuel( receiving admiration, validation)and negative but more the fact that the only way the narcissist knows ( consciously or unconsciously)how to avoid those feelings of inadequacy is by projecting them to others( extracting negative fuel).

    This leads me to the following questions:
    The projection made by the narcissist :
    1. Is it a learned behaviour as a coping strategy to avoid these feelings of inadequacy?
    2. Or is it rather that the narcissist simply does not have the elements in his/her core, nature ( inner self) needed to avoid feeling these feelings of shame of not being good enough other than projecting them to others?
    (Due to his fragile ego)
    And this leads me to the next question:
    3. As you have explained: the narcissist constructs a false self. Do you believe that the narcissist has a true self behind the false self?

      1. HG,
        Thank you for your answer. I do not mean the ways or strategies used in order to provoke a negative emotion. I understand there are several. I was not referring to the means of extracting but rather to the purpose / aim of doing it .
        As I see it in any case , the extraction of negative fuel is with the aim of projecting those unwanted feelings unto others. The extraction of negative fuel as I understand it is a projection.
        Perhaps I am misunderstanding . Can you expand this and give an example of how “ The extraction of negative fuel can occur without projection”.

      2. I understand that.
        I was thinking more that regardless if it is through triangulation, word salad ,gaslighting etc. the aim of extracting negative fuel is ALWAYS to make the “victim” feel somehow inadequate (flawed, insecure, inapt, powerless, insufficient,incompetent,deficient,inferior ,inapt,weak,deffective etc.). The very same feelings that the narcissist always wants to avoid.
        That is why I “see” the extraction of all negative fuel as a projection.

        This could perhaps explain to some extent why the negative fuel is more powerful (not really because it is more difficult to obtain- sometimes it is actually very easy) but rather because the knowledge that he/she( the narcissist) can provoke the same feelings he detests makes him/her feel more powerful ( than positive fuel) and at the same time he/she avoids feeling those feelings by projecting them. These two combined give the narcissist an even more intensive ego boost than positive fuel.

        We are looking at it from different perspectives but I understand what you mean.

    1. Lou – lol, I *did* see that correctly…I did the scrolling equivalent of a double take…I was like “sea….what?!”

      But, it makes sense now in light of the dolphin training thing…sort of. Must have missed that story somewhere…

      1. WhoCares, yes, the question came to me this morning after I read that HG trains dolphins, a fact I did not know about him (assuming it is true). Sea lions are also trained by military services to help in some operations.
        The reason why I asked this question is because it has been a while I have been thinking that, if we do reincarnate, I would like to be a sea lion in my next life and live in a colony somewhere safe, where there are no predators. However, this morning I was thinking that, if HG also trains sea lions, and if I die any time soon, I would like to come back as a sea lion and be recruited by the British military and trained by HG. It may be the only way I could see his face and also take the piss out of him by kissing him with my big smelly snout, hugging him by putting my flippers around him and barking very loud near his ears.
        The image made me laugh this morning while having my coffee. … I probably had too much of it.

      2. NarcAngel

        Oooh! I got a good meme this morning:
        If we called Vodka “potato juice”, would it be a
        health drink?

        Wouldnt work for me. “sugar-cane juice” still sounds bad. 🙁

      3. You wrote somewhere that you train dolphins HG? 🙄😆. Honestly, how you manage to maintain any kind of credibility is beyond me.

      4. I love your humor HG. I must admit I had my hopes up about the dolphins although I knew it was a long shot. If I was thinking clearly, I would remember that you “have no interest in animals”. The thread where somebody was trying to get you to try horse therapy was hilarious! “Neigh chance”

      5. Horses are magnificant creatures MB! There are equestrian rehabilitation programs that exist that help hardened criminals learn to form attachments, take accountability, be responsible for another living creature.
        It may have been me that suggested HG get acquainted with a horse. Lol
        Don’t knock it til you try it!

      6. It wasn’t you that suggested it Clarence. I wish I could remember who it was. Somebody I didn’t recognize as a current contributor. The banter about horse therapy was quite comical. I wasn’t knocking the horses themselves. I love ALL animals. I have a great respect for horses, but I am not comfortable around them. I haven’t spent much time with them and they are so big.

        Quick story: I fell off of a horse at full run when I was 14. It was my first and last time riding. Because it was my first time, I didn’t realize the stirrups were too long and the saddle too loose. Saddle starting sliding around the horse’s belly, I was holding on to his mane,screaming at the top of my lungs. That poor horse was probably trying to flee from whatever was making that blood curdling shrieking! When I couldn’t hold on anymore, I made a deal with God and let go, skidding on my face and entire underbelly. The horse jumped over me, sparing my head and kept going. My deal was, if I live through this, I’ll never ride a horse again. And I haven’t.

        Now swimming with dolphins, I will try. I hope it turns out better than the horse experience!

      7. I’m so sorry that was your only experience with horse back riding MB. I completely understand the one and done mentality.
        There had been a discussion the first year on the blog about therapy with horses with Nikita and myself.

      8. Clarece, it was purpleribbonhealing that was the horse therapy pusher. KK posted the link for the thread. It’s a good one.

      9. Yes K or KK. This thread has all kinds of fun in it and I like the umbrella, too! Thank you for finding it.

      10. You are welcome MB
        HG likes Royal Tea or Moroccan Mint Tea and I don’t recall reading about tea time on narcsite, but I have not looked either, if find something I will post it.

      11. KK, Google says anytime after 3 and before 5:15. So 4:00 it is. Like an after school snack.

        Loose tea HG?

      12. MB
        I couldn’t figure out the “K” but then I realized I was using my laptop earlier and hadn’t changed my name from that device.

      13. Clarence
        I remember that. Then didn’t Nikita tell about an inmate in her country doing horse therapy brutally murdering the trainer? Don’t remember the details, but the horror is still with me.

      14. I recall Nikita knowing about those equestrian programs too and having a positive affect overall. I don’t remember the story about the trainer though. Notice it was the trainer and not the horse…

      15. Clarece
        No, not the horse. I remember she said he was gentle and very good with the horse.

      16. Thank goodness for that. It’s less what is written than what is believed that concerns me sometimes.
        (Not with me you don’t me old sausage 😊)

      17. Lou -I’m with NA on that one; you sure you didn’t add a little vodka to your coffee this morning? 😉 😉 But thank-you for elaborating on your morning musings. I had had too little coffee when I first read that!

      18. For the record, I didn’t believe HG was an Oxford educated dolphin trainer who deals with ball-washing lawyers all the time, weaponizes empathic receptionists in his fancy office (next by the dolphins pool), keeps his real job secret from Matrinarc and most people who knows him (although that would make sense due to his mother’s expectations of him), and claims to be the most achieving member of his wealthy, aristocracy-related family. However, I am aware that, by the way I formulated my comment, it sounded like I did believe it.
        What went through my mind when I read KK’s comment was that HG has said before that he trains people of all ages and his job is related to (national?) security. I did think it was possible he knew about animal/dolphin training for national security purposes and that he could even have a link to that section through his job.
        Then I went on with the dolphin trainer joke and all that caffeine-driven sea lion frenzy.

  17. Hg, here’s a question. I mentioned a while back ago that my ex was threatening me for months to take me to court for custody of my daughter. Well, eventually his attorney contacted me, and kept threatening me that if I didn’t give my narcissist ex everything he wanted, she would put on “public record” that I am a horrible mother. I pretty much told her to go fuck herself. My ex then filed for Ex Parte orders with the courts. Which is emergency orders and hearings I didn’t even get to attend for a restraining order against me from “harassing” him, and temporary orders to give him legal custody of our daughter until our hearing that is in a few months. What he used, was a video from a long time ago when we were still together, of me acting drunk and stupid. He provoked me to react in the video. However, I’m not worried about it. It was a desperate attempt and cheap shot from his behalf, and will be cleared up at our future hearing. He still texted me every night and says stuff like “please see a dr” “don’t drink and drive” “all your friends are disgusted with you”. It doesn’t bother me. I am just wondering, isn’t the narcissist ever worried that their deeds will backfire and embarrass them? Or the fact he wanted tens of thousands of dollars for just bullying, and not really successful litigation? What does an upper midranger think in a stupid situation like this?

    1. No because the narcissism operates in the moment and any problem it may cause at a later juncture is rejected through the lack of accountability and the application of the further manipulative behaviour.

  18. I recall a thread on who would play Hg in a film.
    I was going to reply and then forget which article it was on.
    My vote would be James D’Arcy.
    He has that charming, charismatic look and way about him.
    As I imagine for HG.
    And his accent sounds similar to HGs.
    He is slightly taller then HG.
    Age wise, I would guess around same age, 43 or so.
    Maybe HG, is sports representative for a football team,
    If he does not play professionally any longer.
    It is fun trying to guess.
    KK, I recall reading HG plays golf.

    Another question HG:
    I recall reading awhile back,
    That you were an untrained actor.
    In what capacity?
    Stage, film, television ?

      1. yes, Twilight and NA, I wondered maybe that was what the untrained actor meant the first time around
        That being a narcissist qualified him as one.
        But, then I thought afterwards,
        hmm, maybe it was a clue
        and he actually is an actor of sorts, as well.
        With his voice and persona, he could well be.

      1. Thank you KK, that was excellent searching again.
        I would see HG more like Christian Bale.

      1. Flicktina, Clive Owen, that is a good one.
        Makes me think of Gerard Butler too.
        Rugged and sexy and that voice.

    1. analise13

      I believe the untrained actor is the fact he is what he is and keeping the facade running smoothly is nothing more then a performance. The world is his stage and he is the focus point of it.

      1. Twilight, spot on. That’s what I thought too. Maybe one day I’ll be the star in my life. Not really such a bad way to be! All the world’s a stage

      1. I thought it was a polite question. The article said to ask a question and that was the only one I could think of.
        #noquestionansweredforflick #ihasasad

  19. Hello HG, my narc used to talk about suicide. He told me to turn on the camera phone during our call so I could watch him slit his throat.

    He has told me on separate occasions that he has just taken too many pills or cut himself deeply. I have called poison control, rushed to his place and have even called the police to make sure he is ok. I am too afraid that he is not lying and actually hurt himself. I take suicide talk very seriously.

    The last time was the time I called the police. The officer called me back and said that my narc said he was only joking.

    But when he talks about it, he sounds so sad and says “I will love you forever” and then says he cut himself.

    We spoke after the police left and I told him I was scared. He got very angry at me and said don’t talk to me anymore. He said it was a joke.

    My questions: Is there a certain type of narcissist that talks about suicide? Does he not understand how serious talking about suicide is? Do you think he would take his life? I always treat it as a yes, because I never want to take the chance.

    I’ve told him many times to get help, but he won’t. What can I say to help him get help?

    1. Valkyrie
      I’ve known two narcs that actually committed suicide. They never said a word about it beforehand. They just blew theirs heads off with a gun. I have also known several who threatened suicide – cried to their mothers and wives. They’re all still living. It was always just manipulative pity plays with them. My feeling is that if a narc threatens to harm himself, it’s just a ploy to manipulate you.

      1. Thank you Windstorm. He has said one day he is just going to get a gun and shoot himself. I never want anyone to feel that way. It tears me apart despite everything, I really do care.

        If it is a pity play, that is so wrong.

    2. You can’t. The guy is f***ing with you in a really sick way. I bet if you start ignoring, and keep ignoring, that crap you’ll find you’ve cured him. At most get the police over to him asap when he does it. He’ll get embarassed eventually.

      1. Thank you K. I agree. I called the police. Either he would be embarrassed or helped. Either way win-win. He expressed anger at me for that. I told him I was afraid for him. He said he was just joking.

        He did not ever do it again after the police showed up. There are a multitude of reasons I think he has possibly stopped. He knows the way he talked about killing himself was not communicated in any kind of joking manner.

    3. I dated a Lesser Narcissist for about 4 months or so. It seemed a lot longer because he drained me and time went by so slow. All of the Narcissist I have been with have mommy issues, but this guy was the winner of issues. He may have had some borderline issues, because he was emotionally unable to regulate. He dated girls who were very gorgeous, and he had many friends from dealing pot. Before we broke up, he already did his smear campaign of me. When we broke up, he did a sloppy suicide job, to get attention from his friends and make me out to be the bad person. It’s been 6 years since we broke up, he killed himself about 3 weeks ago. I didn’t attend his funeral, but I noticed a lot of his friends on Facebook posting about MANY other times he made suicide attempts, so it wasn’t me who “pushed” him to kill himself when we split. If a situation is toxic for you, then split asap.

      1. ANM
        True. If theyre going to do it theyre going to do it. No one need take the resposibility of that on themselves. If you (not you ANM) think about it, its pretty narcky to think you’re so great someone couldnt get over you lol. There are always other issues at play.

    4. Valkyrie. From my experience, I believe the best way to handle those is to ignore the drama, or just say ‘that’s OK’ – and change the subject. In my case, he never did it again.

  20. HG,
    I devour and love your books!
    I just finished reading Exorcism and I am very interested in the link between the Hoover and the creation of Eternal Thinking in the victim. This link is powerful and can result in a dangerous acceptance that one can never really leave the past behind because hoovers lurk even if no contact has been in place for years.
    If the N is highly intelligent (diagnosis NPD with psychopathic traits) do you think this would be conscious in the mind of the Narcissist when they employ the repeated Hoovers? Could the torture of creating Eternal Thinking be the reason a Narcissist would continue to Hoover without success?
    Your insights would be greatly appreciated here.

  21. After confirming that some tertiary sources can become NISS after consultations on a purely professional level left me with another question… I hope you don’t mind?

    Has the good doctors suggested to you to form these NISS associations with one or two of your readers whereby you exchange experiences to learn from each other. These sources cannot be abused or manipulated but are a close (or as close as one could possibly get to a narc – also bearing in mind professionalism) secondary source.

    You converse a lot, gain an understanding of each others perspective and experience and use these exchanges in your therapy sessions.

    Take Clarece for example. I see you and her as Hannibal and Clarece from the Silence of the Lambs – I really do – it’s a good thing because I’ve learned a lot from your interactions. She has amazing insight into you and I could see the good doctors being very interested in how you relate to each other in a Psychological and professional setting.

    It’s great that we all contribute and have a part to play – I really love to see the bonds people are forming too – it’s empowering for all of us hurt in the past I’m sure.

    But the good doctors, are they fascinated by your experiences with us all here – and of the NISS dynamics also?

    Thank you HG 🙂

      1. Do you mean as I’m a Narc too (I keep telling you he said I was and I have acted as such too!!!)
        Or I’ll learn as a NISS, I don’t class myself as that though.

    1. That’s awesome that you learned a lot from our interactions. I appreciate that.
      You’re the second reader this week to mention specifically my interactions with HG over time.
      I was surprised when you said you thought I had amazing insight into HG. I think I’ve barely scratched the surface.

      1. I like the way you get him to elaborate and the questions you ask clarece. You give him a good probing in the nicest possible sense.
        I have felt frustrations with my own situation and I wish I could have opened dialogue with my nex regarding our dynamics at the time.
        So now, when you and HG discuss the why’s and how’s I read with interest. It helps in my understanding and moving forwards.
        Keep probing! 😁

      2. Haha I can probe him well if he doesn’t give caveman answers!
        I would have thought the doctors would have taken a larger interest in HG’s interactions here on the blog since it started as part of his therapy. I agree that I think it would be a fascinating and insightful research thesis to monitor an interpersonal relationship with HG from the onset of meeting and follow its progression to whatever stages it develops. Especially from the aspect of the chemical reactions. In the way Masters and Johnson were able to monitor and record sexual response data, I think it would be an interesting probe into witnessing the spikes in dopamine in each party and how that affects reactions to each other, emotions, fury erupting, the addiction to each other forming, etc. We all know by now, the victim gets a huge dopamine release upon hearing from the Narc after an extended silent treatment or being shelved. That “wave of relief” as I called it, becomes a rush or hit and you become addicted to achieving their return every time for that hit. On their side, studies have shown that misogynists (which narcissistic men are) get a hit of dopamine every time they are hurtful or mean to the recipient of that behavior. It is on a subconscious level. So their brain is looking for that fix again – that release which makes them feel so powerful – is actually a dopamine rush when they get what HG refers to as negative fuel. Imagine how hard that gets during the golden period abstaining from that fix which makes you feel the most omnipotent. No wonder it is as swift as flipping a light switch for the Narc when they go into the Jekyll and Hyde mode. So if researchers are studying 2 willing participants, what if that helps them figure out a way to control the addictive reward and impulse activity of the brain to get these highs from the dopamine? Stop the victim / empath from continually needing that hit or reward chemically when she relinquishes at hearing from the Narc again or if he is criticizing her? Stop the Narc from being sadistically manipulative?
        That is one area I wish HG would explore more is the chemical side of these relationships. They are completely energy driven by this.

      3. The fix is provided by different appliances to the IPPS in the golden period from whom negative fuel is drawn.

      4. Is there no fix from the infatuation of the golden period with the IPPS? Negative fuel must still be drawn during that time?

      5. The IPPS provides the bulk of fuel needs but there is always room for some negative fuel form elsewhere.

      6. I realize that, but wouldn’t it be nice to know the triggers so you could counter a perceived criticism with less wounding and less bite towards the recipient?

      7. To free you from the endless cycle of never living up to MatriNarc’s expectations that gets replayed with every new relationship?
        But I get that at this stage you are content in the way you operate because you are an efficient machine and it works. It keeps you safe in your bubble with your rules, your defenses and your black and white thinking and so on.
        So how about for science? Because of your awareness you can go farther and test theories with this extremely misunderstood disorder and be a pioneer in it towards your legacy. There’s a why for you.

      8. Hi Clarece , yes I am new and I could see that .The interaction between you both was quite good and great reading.
        I have a feeling HG is over 40 ,I would guess mid 40s , it’s the voice , it’s not a boyish voice and has that experienced edge.
        He is not a 20/30 something it would resonate in the voice .
        What colour eyes do you have HG ?, other than when they turn black of course.

      9. Kiki
        HG is 6’ 1” with blond hair (think Daniel Craig) and blue eyes. He is a Gen-Xer, however, 3 fresh souls a day keeps him looking like he is 22. His skin and teeth: glowing and well brushed. He is a greater elite nomad narcissistic sociopath who enjoys writing, history (especially 12-17th century English/British History), football, badminton, fencing, shooting, film, literature, fine dining, ballistics and weaponry, watching plays. He is a qualified trainer of dolphins in anti-terrorist operations.

        He does not smoke (It’s a filthy and disgusting habit) or have any tattoos and his IQ is 134 (he scored a 1 on the HSP test). He sings baritone, plays classical piano, prefers his Vesper martini stirred, not shaken (preferring to shake his empath snowglobes NAngel imagined).
        He sleeps with the windows open and occupies the left hand side of the bed (based on if you were sitting in the bed looking towards the foot) and prefers to lie on his left hand side. He sleeps soundly and untroubled by conscience. His Family Motto: Victoria Aut Morte, favorite band: Depech Mode, there are 25 hours in a Tudor day, and he enjoys eating souls for fun. HG was born in autumn and he is a Virgo and has 2 wishes: an extra set of hands and for people to understand he does not do the blog for fuel. Engaged twice, married once, no children. He has never been obese nor will be, and he likes to create ever presence with the fragrance Creed.

        Pssst…His name is john smith but don’t tell anybody

      10. What is this about trainer of dolphins? Please, please tell me! I know it’s got to be a joke. It’s my dream to swim with them. Maybe I can when I get to Florida. My sister says they will rape me, so I Googled it. I said oh well, at least it would make for a good story. I’m not scared.

      11. KK, did you include in the bio the information about the tea he likes and how he takes it? Is tea time at 4? I need some education on the British and their tea. As you know, we have no such customs. Just my coffee when I wake up.

      12. Thanks KK – for filling in the missing link on the dolphin training! I feel so much more in the know now.

        Please add to your list that HG likes his steak sanguine and in his spare time he is a closet Morris Dancer.

      13. “Closet Morris dancer?” That sounds like the dolphin trainer. Makes for an interesting mental image….

      14. KK,

        You truly are a gem to the readers on this site and HG, as well! I am amazed at your ability to cache information and retrieve it at the appropriate time. I am able to learn so much more with your resource skills! Thank you!

        Are you really a Librarian?

      15. You are welcome Kimi, and thank you!

        I am very happy to read that you find the information helpful and, yes, I am a librarian. Pulling up the cached information is like a Tudor Scavenger Hunt and it can provide answers to the readers, which can help fill in the missing pieces, or add to the intrigue of HG’s mysterious identity. Either way, it is all in good fun.

      16. Hi Kiki,
        I also meant to say thank you for your kind compliment on my previous posts. I think my favorite and most vulnerable post was on HG’s article the first time it came up for “Dirty Little Secret” on June 29, 2017. My comment was under MLA-Clarece on June 30, 2017 at 03:08. It was the most likes I had ever received and several readers provided a lot of constructive commentary.

      17. He does give caveman answers! But the blogs got busier so I understand that too!

        But yes his therapists really could find out so much I feel by observing an interpersonal relationship and the addictions between the two as you mentioned.

        What if under controlled settings, they locked HG and A.N Other together in a room. No outside influences. Just the two of them. No other fuel sources for HG. Everything monitored, all emotions and conversations. Then to be dissected and analysed by psychologists together with both participants. Then alternative behaviours suggested, and tested together.

        It’s the fuel. I get that. But he would have that with one. It’s a test of course it is.
        I know he can’t live with no fuel, but could he adapt with his knowledge and understanding now?

        But watching that journey, of both participants would be fascinating!

        HG in a clinical condition under observation, purely for scientific and psychological research and advancements in pyschopathic narcisstic behaviour would you put yourself in this position to advance understanding on your kind?

        Not as a guinea pig but as a pioneer of your own making.

      18. The provision of a succinct answer is not a caveman answer.

        If I deemed it advantageous I would do so.

      19. Hi Presque Vu! Very intriguing and for a very long time, I have preferred seeing this kind of scenario for research rather than HG undergo an experiment of total solitude for an extended period of time with absolutely no fuel sources. With what you presented, there would be times he would still be isolated if he gets completely irritated with the other party… or vice versa, so that observation could still be studied.
        I envision from your description something along the lines of the reality series “Big Brother” where 16 house guests are quarantined in a house for 3 months with absolutely no contact with the outside world. There are games and challenges which force someone voted out each week. Everything is filmed on camera. But there is no television, cells, radio, computers, etc. Although in this setting, television possibly being allowed to see what type of conversation or interaction developed with both parties being able to share in some activity that in another relationship dynamic would allow connection and bonding to happen.
        I would think a doctor specializing in NPD would leap and dive (or hell, bust a nut) to get this kind of research project.
        HG is building his legacy with his insight, his perspectives, his guidance with his books and articles. Contribute to new scientific data. That will secure a legacy.

        Stick a contract under my nose. Where do I sign up?

      20. I see HG as first recruiting all of the males as lieutenants. Each one believing that he will be the King’s hand and will have been promised HG’s sexual cast-offs and to be the one left to split the prize money with in the end. He will then bed the female population of the house (leaving each to believe that they are The One) and then encourage each one that exploring their sexuality further will ensure that she stays more interesting than the other women. He will then demand of the producers that they set up cocktails and a marathon of nude twister to stave off boredom and ensure mega ratings. A fun and uninhibited night is had by all and the next morning triangulation begins until each is voted off one by one leaving only HG and the good doctors (who will have been following so intently and masturbating so furiously that they will not have noticed that none of it was recorded). Research? What research?

        Maybe not. I’ll give it some thought.

        But seriously, have you never noticed on these shows that no one can go 30 days without sex even with someone they wouldnt have looked at twice in their everyday life, even when huge sums of money are at stake? Married people do that on the regular for nothing. Amateurs.

      21. I agree Clarece,
        I have noticed it from when I came here too and still do.
        There is a rapport that shines.
        Not only with HG, but with all readers too.
        So thank you for your wisdom, kindness.and comments.
        Your comments always resonate with me.
        I read and think yes, that’s it or yes, I wanted to know too.
        You help make this a wonderful community.

      22. Hi Analise13! Goodness, you really tugged at the heartstrings for me. Thank you truly! Over time , as I read many of your posts, I would think, “Analise walks circles around me. She is so calm, cool and collected and I’m all over the grid”. Lol You have this quiet inner strength and confidence that exudes and you are very straight forward. You don’t get drawn into drama or create it and you make very poignant observations. You are a very admirable presence here!! Thank you again!

      23. Thank you Clarece for everything you said.
        I appreciate it very much.
        I have never found you emotionally over the grid at all.
        You seem totally grounded to me.
        You always ask intelligent and thoughtful questions.
        You get HG to open up to important and in depth questions.
        You also do not create or fan any drama here.
        You are non judgemental.
        You help others by sharing your personal journey.
        You accept and support all readers.
        I have great respect for you and your presence here.
        You are a calming force here.
        HG has help showcase some incredible and strong female voices here.
        Yours definitely being one of them.

      24. Thank you Analise13. It’s a very nice relief to know when I was at my worst and coming here anonymously pouring my heart out, that I was perceived the way you described. You are equally one of those admirable and strong female voices here. Has it been about a year that you’ve been following the blog or longer?

      25. Thank you Clarece. Yes, I found the fb page April 2017 and came to the blog a month or so following.

      26. Awesome post Clarence!

        Clarece
        AUGUST 21, 2018 AT 22:27
        “To free you from the endless cycle of never living…”

      27. Thank you Valkyrie! But does the Master think it was an awesome answer to his “Why” should he?
        I say why not?

    2. Clarece, just curious… Was the choice of your nick inspired by The Silence of the Lambs? You’ve explained before that you were keen on asking HG as much as possible during the early days, and you surely probe him at times like the Jodie Foster-Clarice 🙂 I think we all love that.

      You still have my vote for interviewing him as you always combine rational thinking with intuitiveness and you are very clear in what you wish to know from him.

      HG, do you consider such an interview a serious option?

  22. Am I late to the “guess HG’s age” party?
    I could be wrong, but I think he is 50-56 years old. There are many reasons, but my primary finding is his frequent mention of “creating his legacy”. This is a common theme for Greaters around this age, and I believe most Greaters are Atheist, so the need to secure an epic legacy is vital. Some Greaters around this time write a memoir, run for office, have kids with the much younger spouse. The need to share their knowledge becomes more important at this time.

      1. According to HG’s interests such as being interested in the FA cup, travelling, and generally the way he represents himself:

        I would say he is in his thirties, also his picture doesn’t show an old man. The man in the picture shows someone at his thirties (Unless it is an old pic!). I can guess that those sunglasses are covering a black colored eye, but not as wide as Daniel Craig’s eyes, maybe a little bit smaller.

    1. Nothing to do with HG at all, who I respect and appreciate on this platform, but my emotional entanglement NR in the last blow up was talking about his “legacy” to me and it made me puke in my mouth a little bit.
      Just doesn’t set right with my personality and probably the underlying signals it was making to me in that particular moment (likely a bit of a jab at me), but the truth is I would do well to think some of those ways sometimes probably.
      Still learning.

    2. Hi Ladies I did not see his stats anywhere .Blond with blue eyes .
      In my minds eye I had Him as dark haired and fair skinned , kind of devilish looking ,tall and slim ..Something like Gabriel Byrne.

      I now have an image of the late Roger Moore ,tight hair fair but with intelligent eyes and charisma however not classically handsome aka Colin Firth in his youth or Henry Cavalli .
      I could never see the attraction for Daniel Craig ,he reminds me of a thug or something.

      1. No, no…..don’t romanticise him! Don’t go falling for (the idea of) another one in the pursuit of anti narc knowledge! Can’t help thinking it’ll make you just as susceptible to another one as you were before. I don’t know 🙄

      2. KK, I googled Herve Renard. Nice.
        So, Hg then do you also look like Sean Bean?
        As that is who Immediately saw looking at Renarde,

        HG.
        How many languages do you fluently speak and what are they?
        Also, HG, were you born in the UK or in another country ?

      3. Hmmm, neither of those trip my trigger. I know the coloring is wrong but I guess I’m more of a Jeffrey Dean Morgan kind of gal. Not from Walking Dead either. The Good Wife, hell yes.

      4. Clarece
        I have to share this because you reminded me of this guy and it made me laugh. It is also no judgement on your choice because I have since seen better photos, but women at work were talking about The Good Wife and this guy. I dont watch much tv so I said “what’s all the fuss about him?” There was much cooing and then someone pulled up a pic on their phone. I wanted to have some fun with them so I said: “He looks like Brad Garrett from Everybody Loves Raymond, but with one more chromosome”.

        I do know what you mean about his rugged looks. I bet he hasnt got a patch on our boy Tudor though.

      5. Well you caught my drift on there being a very rugged, manliness about him! 😉

      6. Kiki, we have same image of Hg in mind with dark hair.
        Gabrielle Byrne and Henry Cavill.
        Excellent choices.
        Yes, I know HG said he is blonde,
        but he also said he has colored his hair too.
        He also said he is bald.
        Daniel Craig was the best Janes Bond to me.
        But, looks wise. I agree, NO.

      7. When I only heard HG’s voice, before reading any comments here, I thought he looked like Peter Steele from Type O Negative. Now I think he looks like Billy Bob Thornton, when he was with Angelina Jolie. Or maybe Gérard Depardieu? 😉 (Definitely taking the piss now.)

      8. I like Daniel Craig. I knew of him before he was Mr. Bond, actually. He played the ‘poet’ Ted Hughes in the melodramatic biopic out of New Zealand called ‘Sylvia’.

        I saw that shit in the theatre in 2003. Didn’t know who the guy who played Ted was, but thought he was too attractive to play the man in real life.

        The reason you’ve not heard of it is because it is not a very good film. Not that I was expecting much, but you don’t even get to see her head going into the oven. I want my money back.

  23. CPR, perhaps he did not give you the reply you were hoping for back then.
    But he did take time to respond to each
    of your recent comments here, this time.
    Which he could have ignored.
    But, I gaged that to be highly unlikely.
    Valkyries message was most thoughtful to you.
    I hope you read and absorb it.
    This thread has caused much emotional thinking to be spilled.
    It is best to move on from it now.

  24. Hi, HG.

    I have come to the realization that my husband of almost 10 years is a Narcissist. Every little thing adds up and makes such clear and concise sense now. We married when I was 18 after meeting at 16 and he was 24. I looked up to him as a well off, financially stable and dependable individual. I suppose my question is whether or not I should even attempt to salvage the marriage or run? We have 5 children together and my parents split when I was 10 months old so I didn’t want my kids to deal with the same situation.

    1. Jessica E
      Your kids will have a better chance dealing with you leaving (although they may say otherwise or act out depending on their ages-which is common) than if you stay and both you and the children are subject to his moods and abuses. I was a child whose mother would not leave and the damage has been irreparable. The narc is dead now but the rest of us are a fractured bunch who see each other rarely. We have almost no relationship with our mother due to the resentment of being slave to her decision to stay and not feeling supported or protected by being her first priority. It wont be easy I know, but then lets be honest-it isnt now either is it?

      1. My kiddos are 10.5, 8, 5.5, 4, and 6 months. I truthfully think they’d be ecstatic to not deal with the stress of him on a daily basis any longer. My issue is that I am being financially abused. He has opened credit lines and maxed them out in my name and I am not allowed access to the bank account. I have a bank card that I use when given permission to do so. He refuses to get me a reliable vehicle and I am not allowed to have a job. He has isolated me and befriended the last person that could of helped and told her that I have been off with strange men at bars (let’s be for real, I was never even allowed at a bar since him and I met). I also know it will be a giant mess in court with the kids. I’m so afraid he will somehow be able to take them from me as he has threatened me with this in the past. Thank you for your replies. Any and all advice and resource ideas welcome.

      2. In order to provide meaningful and accurate responses, more information about your situation is required and the appropriate forum for doing so is through a consultation.

    2. Run. Completely understand your dilemma but the damage he could do to them psychologically, and the model of relationships they will take into their adult lives very likely makes leaving him the lesser of two evils.

    3. Jessica, a narc doesn’t love you. If you are unhappy in your marriage (and you probably are), don’t stay for the sake of your children. I didn’t know anything substantial about narcissism. Had I known, I would have divorced him right away. A bad marriage affects everything, you, your children, your other relationships with family & friends etc..
      But if you think your situation is not too bad, you can maybe accept it as it is. It is up to you, at least you are aware now. But don’t ever think you can change a narcissist or succesfully attempt to salvage the marriage.
      I give you a big hug, because I know how hard it is, having children and having to decide whether or not to stay in a marriage. xx

  25. CPR

    Interesting initials.
    Kickstart yourself into logic.
    Nobody has time 4 nonsense here.
    There is nothing interesting about your questions or responses based on the way the interaction has unfolded.

    It’s boring.
    And no…
    I will not reply to anything you say even if you insult me simply because it’s boring and filling up an otherwise informative and professional place of learning with attention seeking nonsense.

  26. HG, I realize that I have likely been a pain in your rear lately, with my abundance of questions. 24 days, zero contact. Found out today that my ex invited 2 Male co-workers out deep sea fishing with him today. Acquaintances. But certainly not good friends. They share common interests, ex. Fishing. This seems a little close to home, considering we have been no contact. Any thoughts? This seems intentional. Another game for me to figure out. Out of everyone he knows, why these two? Who I work with?

      1. Thank you! I was cautious of assuming that this was “all about me,” so, that’s why I wanted to ask the expert. Exactly as I assumed. Hes become used to me being the one to reach out and “fix” things. All while he blocks and ignores. This time, I’ve remained mum, and its interesting to see how hes I directly trying to stir things up. All while not DIRECTLY contacting me.

  27. HG, is it more difficult for you to engage in manipulation or do you restrain yourself from what you now know as hurtful behavior in your current relationship(s)? Based on what you see here and the devastation it can cause to people’s lives.

    You show a lot of care and tactfullness in regarding your answers here. You are helping people. Do you also strive to help those in your offline life?

    Thank you again for all you do.

    1. I do what is right for me. I have no need to manipulate here, indeed it would run contrary to what I have created and what I wish to achieve. I would only show restraint in my private life where I see doing so would benefit me.

  28. Oh my goodness .
    Just stumbled on this part of the blog didnt realise these comments were from today.
    There is a lot of angst about Mr Tudor answering questions.

    I think Mr Tudor is right here.His reply was polite ,,even my own family wont listen and reply to my questions why should Mr Tudor when there are so many of us.I think the polite thing is to consult with him and use his blog for information.He does reply to an awful lot of our queries and is always polite from what I see.

  29. How would the narcissist like being stalked? Do they gain fuel from it? Most people are terrified of it, so was wondering if the narc had a stalker, would they secretly enjoy that and wish the stalker remain as a source of fuel?

    1. It depends on how the stalker behaves. Standing outside the narcissist’s house would produce very little fuel. Telephoning the narcissist and shouting insults would provide a reasonable amount of negative fuel. Certain narcissists would use this behaviour to draw sympathy fuel from other appliances – “There’s this crazy woman who keeps telephoning me and insulting me. I don’t feel safe in my own home/”

      1. So if the stalker was hanging around your house a lot, your main concern is that isn’t much fuel. No feelings of being terrified? Would a stalker ever be able to extract your fuel involuntarily by scaring you with their behavior?

      2. I do not get scared. They would have more reason to be scared, the garden is mined you know!

      3. Put that in the narc plus column. Not being scared. Psst, babe…I think I heard something downstairs. Can you go check it out?

      4. That’s one of the best things about narcissists in my opinion and why I like to have one of mine (exhusband or sons) around. I’m a very fearful person and see danger everywhere. I’m constantly on the defensive. But my narcs truly never do get scared. They live on the offensive. What scares normal people, my narcs view as opportunity. They approach potential danger with a sort of excited interest. Obviously as a source of fuel, but also probably as a way to stave off that everpresent menace – boredom.

      5. I don’t agree. I suspect that there is as much variation in fearfulness among narcs as there is in the general population. My ex didn’t sleep well as sounds outside would disturb him and make him paranoid about intruders. They’re not known as risk takers either. That’s more psychopath territory.

      6. Tip toeing through the tulips take an entire new meaning with your garden HG.

        My only thought was a serious adrenaline rush…..something is seriously not right with me sometimes. Mis step and you end with one of two results life changing injuries or end game. Yet this is the ramblings of someone that has had a gun to her head and the trigger pulled because they thought it was amusing. It was a loaded gun because the next shot was very real, and I threw up.

      7. Thank you HG. Sounds like there’s a book you could write about the fate of a stalker who messes with you. Maybe your skills could help those victims if they could learn them or adapt your techniques effectively.

      8. Possibly, I would point out that the way I would deal with someone is entirely different from the way you should because we are different entities with different emotions and skill sets. What is effective for me would be dangerous (and probably something you could not achieve) for you.

      9. The very way that a narcissist disengages leave them very susceptible to stalking. Even a non-stalker type can become a bunny boiler trying to get answers and closure! The guy I knew said he’s had a problem of women stalking him since he was young. He’s used to it and if they like him and want him and the feeling isn’t mutual, so what? That’s life. They just have to deal with it.

      10. Windstorm

        I actually did feel safe with my ex. That and he could take care of matters that would be devastating emotionally for me if the situation arose.
        With my husband I had to learn because no one else would. Some of the situations that man put me in…
        Sorry I have been reflecting on my past the past few weeks and being alone.

      11. Twilight
        Don’t apologize. I’m alone, too. Share away. Might help us both.

      12. So I saw my stalker today and tried to use the interaction as fuel for myself. Maybe.. just maybe an empath could learn some new techniques. Will continue my experiment. Also, HG all your work would make a fantastic HBO series. It’s so well-developed. Just needs a narrative that would attract a general population. A web 🙂

      13. “The very way that a narcissist disengages leave them very susceptible to stalking. Even a non-stalker type can become a bunny boiler trying to get answers and closure! ”

        This is what I think.
        Obviously a guy can be stalked, just saying it’s unusual and I wonder right away.

    2. If a man says he’s being stalked I immediately want to try to determine if he’s a narcissist.

      1. Yep nunya it’s their own fault they are stalked. But it is to their advantage for many reasons and stalking them plays right into their hands. They want to be stalked! They’d be wounded if you didn’t. Of course if you do, you’re a crazy bitch.

      2. I interptet nunya’s comment to mean that telling people they have a stalker makes them feel all warm and special, aside from giving them yet another reason to play the victim

      3. Yes, K, that for sure, but also that I know what it’s like to be repeatedly gaslighted and then hoovered and then left for dead and ignored (temporarily) as though you are a piece of furniture. My guess is that he used twisted logic a lot before discard, because that’s the very thing that makes a person want to re-engage to prove themselves and argue. A genuine stalker, male or female, is a very scary thing, but a person with repeated disengagement difficulties that lead to over the top frustration rather than just attachment and loss issues is a “run away” flag.
        And I suspect the woman is picking up on MB’s “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” truth.

        Same with guys who talk about “drama” a lot, imo. Why do you have so much drama?

      4. My Ex Narc is Charging me with Criminal Harassment (stalking) and I face up to 10 years in Jail, Although I did need the closure and answers you speak of I was set up completely. We were together for 2 years and Criminal harassment was thrown around via arguments during the first month of our relationship, During my silent treatment punishments i would email him or call from other phones to see why my locks were changed and to return my belongings …long story short he recorded every attempt by me to contact him over 2 years very detailed and put a program on my phone and computer to erase all of his replies (Motive) Hes so good he sent me a find my friends request for iphone and in the police reports he said i was tracking his every move , I almost fainted when I was arrested the whole plot flashed before my eyes .
        Very Clever I don’t stand a chance he stole my story he took what was done to me put it on paper signed his name and I will get the punishment he deserves

      5. That sounds awful, NB, really. I hope it works out. Sounds like gaslighting from the get-go.

      6. Noooo! That is terrible! Did you consult with HG, NB? Please ask If he can help you

      7. I did contact him and he replied immediately with his audio consultation Information, I know it would be beneficial I just feel so defeated and have developed a phobia of thinking or talking about it in any way …this is not a great strategy for someone scheduled for trial and must produce evidence.
        I’ve only read half of the Crown Disclosure .
        Its just so gross his every word is my actual words he even uses my slang im sure as a dig nonetheless I despise reliving this nightmare
        Hopefully I’ll get over whatever that fear is and i will contact him I have 4 months

      8. I wish I’d known this, nunya biz, because one of the first things my MRN ever told me was a long story about being stalked. I found it all a bit suspicious and raised my eyebrows but I didn’t care enough to ask questions at the time. It should have been a huge red flag.

      9. Ha, SMH, lots of stuff I wish I knew. The stalker one stands out but other stuff didn’t.

        NB, the lock changing thing seems an important piece of information. I know a woman who’s very obviously narc ex-husband changed her locks to be vindictive.

      10. Nunya Biz, I think he was telling the truth, ironically, and I quickly understood why someone would stalk him – frustration at the shelving, not being heard, disappearing acts etc. He told me this story very early on and maintained (golden period) but he had lied about his name and wouldn’t give out his phone number or rather did not want mine because he did not want me to have his (that’s when the stalking story came up). I dumped him shortly after because I noticed his controlling patterns. But I went back (four times!). After a few months, I had his name and 18 months later, his number, but I made my final escape just after he gave me his number. Maybe the whole thing with me was just to win it! 🙂 Bend him to my will and then dump him. It is kind of funny that our FR started with phone numbers and ended with them too…

  30. Please direct me to the blog’s glossary of initialism / acronym usage … it would be most helpful for reference; as I’m new to all this and I have issues with retaining, no thanks to the narcissist, of course.

  31. How come narcissists are afraid of being exposed, when most of them (Lessers and Mid Rangers) do not have any insight? Do they all know, to some degree?
    They all know that they hurt us. Does the narcissistic perspective or their motive hinder Lessers and MR to see themselves? Is it like (our) emotional thinking? do they think and reason it is only fair? Or, do they all take pleasure in knowing this is wrong? And if so, do they not know they are «not normal»? Or do they believe everybody is like them?

    1. Because it amounts to a loss of control, the perception of the exposer controlling the narcissist (which we hate) and with regard to some narcissists it damages the facade. It is about the narcissist knowing what they are and being exposed but the adverse explanations and inferences that come with that.

      1. Don’t believe you.
        He was never going to answer that one J. Admission of any kind of vulnerablility is a narc no no.

      2. My reference to love bombing was about another comment thread NarcAngel posted on about how the women posters love bomb each other on this blog, so was kinda a meta-joke reference.
        I’ve gotten the other tricky narc kind analise, but I don’t have any social media invitation for it in my life, so can’t speak to that.

      3. Hi Nunya Biz
        I just wanted to clarify, as my other comment may seem ambiguous.
        I didn’t see those other comments.
        I imagine dating sites would the worst. I avoid those.
        Love Bombing to me, is such an overt narcissistic sign.
        But then it could be BPD too.
        It is easier for me to see it manifest outside of romantic relationship.
        While it happens in a relationship, it feels like love.
        HG has helped raise my hackles for such cues.

      1. Quickly becoming my favorite comment poster. It’s not love bombing if it’s true… re: gaslighting gaslight avenue, et al. Thanks for making me snort.

      2. I was referring to love bombing I have read and experienced on places like Fb and Twitter.
        But, NarcAngel, I think you may be right on that one too.
        That was funny.
        You do, slay with humour.

  32. Kk
    That’s good! I have a chance if there’s a difference in your names! I remember back when you were both here before and I was always afraid of confusing you two.

    1. No, this K was the only K when I used to participate here. And I’ve always used this gravatar. I think I’m a new K to you.

      1. K
        No, you are not new to me. I remember you from before as well as remembering when the other K came and trying to keep you all separate in my mind. I wish way back when I came to the blog I’d started a book with important details about everyone. Maybe I should get one and start now. My memory sure is not getting any better!

    2. WS
      You and me both, because I would read K’s comment and think: Wow! I wrote that?! That was good….wait a minute…when did I write that?!

      Then I would look at the gravatar and realize it was the other K!

      And in the very beginning, sometimes I would confuse NarcAngel with narc affair. Once I got my ET under control, the logic took over and it became easier to think.

      1. KK
        Yeah, that won’t help my problem. I’ve had my emotional thinking under control for a long time (at least as under control as it ever will be Lol!).
        I fear my problem is the onset of senility. And that’s not going to get any better with time! 😝

  33. I have a genuine question HG. I hope it hasn’t been asked before. Have you watched Game of Thrones? If no, YOU SHOULD, it’s got psychopaths and Machiavellis by the sackload, and well written ones too. If yes, which do you identify with the most?

    1. I have watched some of it, not a huge amount. I agree it is well written and populated with psychopaths and narcissists. I identify with the dragons.

      1. Shame, I hoped you might have given the question more thought. The dragons are shackled then released, one gets killed, and throughout they are loyal to, and defensive of, their mother. They do not plot or scheme, and they are not invulnerable as you might have thought. Oh well.

      2. I have not watched enough of the series to know enough about the characters to provide an answer with regard to them.

  34. H.G. My mother, who is a narcissist watches a lot of soap opera’s and gets very drawn in and upset when someone behaves in mean way. How does that makes sense in term of her being a narcissist herself?

      1. The narc mother getting upset at the mean people on the soap opera: I’ve often wondered if they are able to see it from the outside looking in, but not see their own behavior? I’ve kmown people that are nasty bullies to others but if somebody treats them that way they feel hard done to. ie, “they can dish it out, but they can’t take it”.

        You answered that she got upset because it was keeeping up her facade. But is it possible that she can recognize nastiness!

      2. It’s very likely that she can recognise nastiness in others as easily as anyone else can. However, it is also very likely that she is oblivious to her own nastiness and feels that all and any of her behaviour is justified and appropriate – and is therefore not nastiness, but a fair consequence of the behaviour of others.

        In my experience, narcissists rarely appreciate what effect they have on others. Often their nastiness is simply a byproduct of their blinkered self-absorption. In other cases they see your reaction to their nasty behaviour as the initial act of aggression and wholeheartedly consider themselves the target of an unprovoked attack. Most narcissists see themselves as victims most of the time, not the aggressor. Their defences preclude them from even entertaining a reality in which they might be justifiably considered bad in any way.

    1. Hi mb…i think too victim narcs can cognitively see the mean behaviour but like you said cant in their own life bc they cant self reflect and consider themselves the victim. Its always someone elses fault.

      1. Hi HG….how on earth have none of your partners not come across your utube vids??? Theyd know your voice and put 2 and 2 together. This has always fascinated me. Youve not changed your voice on the videos so how is it youve not been found out? Youve also given personal details about yourself such as your love of depeche mode and aspects of your family etc.
        Narcissism is out of the box and every other person out there is learning about it. You are very well known so i dont get how theyve not found out? Could you give your thoughts on this please? thx

      2. It is conceivable that they have, but if that is the case, they have not raised it with me.

      3. That’s because they fucking know better than to raise it with you, right? Talk about awkward!

      4. Hi HG …ty for your reply but i still cant see it. Are they that meek and mild theyd not question you? If i suspected my narc wrote books on narcissism, had a utube channel, did interviews etc id be asking him. Of course id be lied to. Especially an ex i could see coming out of the woodwork. Maybe thats why you are the only moderator bc they already have? I do find the thought of your exes using your knowledge to go full contact humorous lol i wonder if youve ever dropped the term narcissist into a conversation with them? My narc has with me.

        Hi mb…no most women wouldnt be afraid to ask their partner unless in a physically abusive situation possibly.

      5. Chihuahuamum, I hate confrontation. If I found out I was living with The HG Tudor, I’d probably use his advice in Getting Out and slink away to another continent. Or, on the other hand, I would tell him how much I admire his work and brilliance in the field and that I want to have a relationship with him where he can be himself. I guess it would depend on where we were in the cycle. Either way, it wouldn’t be ugly from my side. I just can’t do it.

      6. Well obviously he’s not using his real name or at least I hope not. This is just a pen name right?

      7. ‘current partners’…….’No, they do not’

        Plural?

        Such a busy man!

      8. Chihuahuamum:

        Narcissism doesn’t resonate with everyone. I have introduced a few to the notion that they were being toyed by one, but it never caught on because they’re so stuck on ‘seeing the good’ in everyone and ‘pushing away the negative’. So they don’t think to look it up.

        If HG was uncovered by intimates, his lone ‘out’ could be that he is not really a narcissist, that he is really a caring empath who cries when Bambi’s mother is shot, but his childhood growing up with them lent him many insights into the disorder, which he longs to share, so others don’t suffer the same.

        Yet the counterargument would be, isn’t pretending to be what you are not (an empath pretending to be a narc in order to promote himself) a sign of narcissism?

        So either way, there is no ‘out’ if found out. He will just need to smile large.

    1. I assumed HG was a big Depeche Mode fan since I’ve identified several of their lyrics in his writings. I have been a fan since I was a teenager (just saw one of their last US shows in Anaheim in May.) Narc used to make fun of me for liking them- he is a jazz aficionado and that’s pretty much all he could tolerate music-wise. I like that the greater (greatest?) narcissist who is helping me also a fan. Feels a little like a middle finger to the narc ex.

      Befitting lyrics for us empaths:

      I’ve been a martyr for love
      I need to be by your side
      I have knelt at your feet
      I have felt your deceit
      Couldn’t leave if I tried

      1. HG,

        I’ve thought your fondness for Depeche Mode was part of your Facade related to your IPPS? Current IPPS?

  35. Hello H. G. I am wondering whether you could describe narcissism and the victims waking up through the use of the movie “The Matrix”. I thought the idea of swallowing the red pill to wake up and then seeing that all had been an illusion would be a good metaphor, also Neo “unplugging” himself from just being used as a battery(fuel) compared nicely. Do you see more metaphores?

  36. HG,
    I have a general question.
    If someone consistently love bombs another person( regardless of gender)
    especially if that person is essentially a stranger to them.
    Or as you refer to them as tertiary sources.
    Is that a good indication they are a narcissist ?
    I have observed this a fair bit via social media platforms.
    It is one thing to be kind and friendly to a stranger/ acquaintance
    but to be over the top flirty, complimentary, agreeable and
    Overtly infatuated, is quite another thing.
    It always cues a red flag to me.

      1. Oh dear. I’ve seen some pretty intense love bombing between commenters on here lol.

      2. NA

        That made me laugh.

        Now if I can get WordPress to freaking corporate with me, I apparently made it angry. I haven’t had a notification in a couple of weeks now.

      3. Twilight
        I was missing some notifications also, but it appears corrected once again. WordPress is fickle. I think that generally we can adopt that if someone has not responded they have probably not seen it.

      4. NA

        That is the position I take if no one has responded to me.
        I don’t get emails, notifications nothing zero zip nada. I am not complaining to much, I am not being woken at god awful early or late pings and bings from my iPad. My iPhone well it seems to be on a permanent giving me the silent treatment, it won’t make a noise to save my life and calling me that has been interesting if you have an iPhone it goes straight to my voice mail. Sooooo Enjoy the Silence has been my song lately and I am getting sleep.

      5. Twilight
        Wordpress is very squirrelly. It’s currently kicked me out where I have to type my email and name for every comment. Not getting comments though – you just don’t know what you missed or maybe HG was off blog. That has to be really frustrating.

      6. Windstorm

        You don’t know what you miss that is true. I take sometime and read through comments, if I know I have commented somewhere I try and go back and see if someone responded yet I have had my almost 3 yr old granddaughter everyday that is near impossible. Always on the go!!! So I have had my distractions

      7. I thought as much.
        Thank you HG, your work has certainly honed my internal narc detector.
        It is very empowering.

      8. That’s what I figured too NA.
        When the majority of my replies to other commenters never get replied to.
        I don’t expect replies from HG to all my questions.
        As I know he is not able to answer every question.
        Due to time constraints.
        Why I often ask other readers too.
        I figured those with WP, more often reply.
        Or those who read article comments and see them.
        It is a very fickle system.
        Especially when some comments do not have reply options.
        That might be when people miss reading comments to them.
        Then, I usually reply to them on a previous comment reply option.

        For the record.
        Any time someone replies to me, I always reply back or like comment.
        If ever I do not, then for some reason, yes, I didn’t see it.
        I never ignore anyone who are kind enough to take time to reply to me.

      9. Hi Analise13! I’ve always enjoyed your comments and interacting with you! I hope I never missed any comments from you to me. If I didn’t reply back, i may not have seen them.

      10. Thank you Clarece.
        I can’t even keep track of my own comments at times.
        Without checking WP.
        I do know you always reply and I appreciate that.

  37. how long does it take you to notice that one of your shelf ipss s is moving on from you? Do you inherently know that ty has been longer than usual since they have contacted you? Or do you actually keep track of that stuff? Does it bothet you when shelf ipss move on from you and stop contacting you ? Or are you so wrapped up in others that you don’t notice for a long time?

    1. One does not keep track, one would notice when an attempt is made to hoover when taking that individual off the shelf. Yes, it would wound us if the shelf IPSS does not respond. It may of course be the case that we are engaging with other appliances so we do not engage with the relevant Shelf IPSS to notice they have moved on.

  38. HG

    I would like to ask about the void.
    you said there are three settings when people look into your eyes the mirror the Void the hatred.

    *But what would happen when somebody who knows what you are looks into your eyes?* You would not need to mirror them.
    if they are not painted black they will not see the hatred anyway at first, or will they?
    Do you think that you will show them the void… And do you think that the person will see only the void?

    is it your perception that if you’re not showing the mirror or the hatred that someone would not want to look into your eyes. You have no fear so I assume it wouldn’t bother you if they see the void?

    In your personal case I find it hard to believe (true to form empathically of course!) that it is only a void left out of the mirror and the hatred.

    In your personal case I see you are so much more than that.
    Of course you know how you feel about things. No one has the right to say otherwise.
    I do believe you and I do believe what you say here but I just personally percieve more in you.

    I apologise if this is a little bit long and I mean no disrespect because I know it is important that when you say something that that is exactly the way it is, otherwise it would defeat the purpose of this blog. That is not what you would do I know as this work is too important and valuable. Serious work.

    I respectfully ask that if you choose to answer will you please answer the part between the stars above as priority if it is the case that you didn’t have time for the rest.

    I apologise in advance to any reader if the Damned autocorrect at my end acts like an artificial intelligence gone wrong.(keeps happening) !

      1. HG

        Thank you for replying.
        So, The Mirror.
        Even when they know what you are?

        I think I’ll have a think about this. That would imply that you are showing them the mirror as opposed to them seeing what they know you are… If hypothetically they knew what you are.

        You still feel the need to show the mirror.

        It is all about the fuel and you must function how you must function at the end of the day.
        There’s much food for thought in this this still.

    1. HG has said and I have read the majority of victims felt instinctively in their gut that something was not right early on in meeting the narcissist during the golden period. But it gets swept away.
      I saw HG’s reply to you that he thinks we would still see ourselves if we met him knowing what he is.
      I’d be curious to have that happen to gauge my internal warning system. If I would intuitively pick up on his darkness? Or would his charm and charisma sweep me up in conversation and nothing triggers me? To top it off, would I feel that magnetic, gravitational pull between our energies with the pattern to want to fix what I sense broken?
      Maybe that’s what HG says I would be looking back it?

  39. Hello HG

    I would ike to ask how you are?…At this exact moment ….what is coming into your mind.. and what is the last song you listened to.
    Thanks in advance.

  40. I can ask any question…..any?……. really?
    Ok…

    Is your ‘real’ name something posh like ‘Farquhar’ ‘Barclay’ ‘Wilfred’ ‘Heathcliffe’ ‘Figgy’ ‘Koala’

    or…

    Dave? Bob? Malc? you know, something council estatey

    Also…

    Do you wear your socks pulled all the way up, or have them pushed down? also, would you be partial to wearing odd socks? Do you have sock garter belt things – don’t know the name?

    Leads me to my next question…

    Do you wear braces to hold your breeks up?

    Those will do for now.

      1. MB
        Already answered and in the archives. Your mission is to find it should you choose to accept. This message will disappear in 3…2…1….

      2. NA, I leave all that searching shit to K. I probably care as much about HGs undergarments or lack of as much as he does mine. It is funny how the narcissist turns your trivial curiosity about something into a game of, let’s drive MB crazy. After 6 years, mine still won’t tell me the name of his cologne. I’m sure he could give a shit less, but the fact that I want to know something is too yummy to put an end to.

        But if I’m guessing, HG wears the long, fitted sport boxer briefs with his trousers and when he works out at the gym. When he plays football, it’s the little tight speedo kind. (Can’t have the undies hanging out the bottom of those short shorts.) Can you get a cup in those? Does one wear a cup in football? And when he’s hanging out at home, lounging and moderating…commando.

        Yeah, I guess I did give that too much thought.

      3. Thank you for clarifying HG. A cleat to “the boys” has probably side lined many a player.

      4. K, I don’t know a lot about football (soccer) and my kids never played. Hence me not knowing about the athletic cup.

        I have mad respect for the players. Their heart and lungs have to be strong. The field is huge and they are in nearly the whole game! Running and running and running. What I’d give to watch HG and his team play. Field trip to the UK anyone?

      5. Don’t think he’s a player, not of this game anyway. We could try organising an HG hunt instead. That would be fun. On your mark HG, get set….

      6. K, unless I’m mistaken, he does play football and was well decorated as a youth. I’m afraid an HG hunt would bear no fruit. He would have much more fun than we would.

      7. Hmmm, you’re believing the things he tells us. Have we learned nothing about narcissists??? It may be true, but then again, it may not be and I’m pretty sure he’s not active now given his age (music tastes suggest around 50+).

        Bear no fruit?! How can we know before we’ve even tried. Don’t be a defeatist!!! However, I for one certainly wouldn’t be inclined to expend the energy as HG’s identity or whereabouts as it’s hardly at the top of my list of burning questions. Was just a thought, for fun 🙂

      8. K, I like to believe he is honest here. Leaving out or changing certain details to protect the innocent. I’ve been accused of being naive, but I get a genuine vibe from HG. If I’m wrong, I’m wrong. No harm, no foul.

        50+ can for sure play football and engage in sports. Especially if they’ve taken good care of themselves. I had seen a post where he was talking about his team colors so it appeared that he still plays.

        An HG scavenger hunt would be fun. I need some empath adventures!

      9. His team colours are probably those of the football team he supports, not plays for. That’s how football supporters talk here in the UK, as elsewhere I’m sure. Of course 50+ers can play sports, just not professionally, or even semi professionally, unless it’s bowls, or darts, or something that doesn’t require much athleticism.

        And as with all manipulators, telling truths interspersed with lies is the best bet. That way a veneer of credibility can be maintained. You really think that he tells nothing but the truth on here? I’m sure he allows himself a bit of duper’s delight from time to time. I’m sure it amuses him when people believe him – more so when they leap to his defence.

      10. MB
        He is a Virgo and he was born in the Season of mists and mellow fruitfulness so his birthday is either September 22 or 23.

      11. MB
        I Googled Virgo and checked the dates on two sites and, depending on the site, it goes from august 23rd – sept. 22nd or to sept. 23rd.

        So, it’s narrowed down based on the available information.

      12. KK, you’re so conscientious. I thought his bday was the 19th because of his email address. narcissist1909. Although he once said that was the code to get into Tudor Towers. Might come in handy in the scavenger hunt.

      13. MB
        I googled Autumnal Equinox and this is what I have found.

        “In the Northern Hemisphere the autumnal equinox occurs every year on September 22 to 23. Occasionally it can also fall on September 21 or 24. The dates given on this page are based on Coordinated Universal Time (UTC), which for practical purposes is equivalent to Greenwich Mean Time (GMT).”

      14. KK, the first day of fall/autumn is a beautiful day to be born. And it’s just around the corner, HG!

      15. Maybe so WS! I always notch him a few years older than me. I go back to the first year when he gave reference to Telly Savalas I think from Kojak. Gotta be 45 or older for that one. Lol

      16. Clarece
        I base mine on him telling me once that I’m older than Matrinarc. I’m 60, soon 61. Surely she was at least 18 when she had him.

      17. Maybe he meant you’re an old soul with all of your wisdom and it’s not related to age at all. hee hee

      18. Clarece
        That a nice spin on it. But I think his words were along the lines of, “You’re even older than Matrinarc!”

        He was talking to both me and Ah Oh. Remember her? Her bday’s in December, but mine is the same as yours.

      19. We are September Twinkies!! I absolutely remember!
        Ah-oh is so memorable for all the wrong reasons with me. Smh

      20. Yup, my estimates are based on previous references to the 70’s and reasonably extensive knowledge of 80’s music. I’m sticking with 50+. HG’s (feigned) amusement does nothing to put me off, on the contrary.

      21. For what it’s worth HG, I know you’re not 50+. Even if you were, you could play football and you’re still hot AF. So there. Duped or not, let me have my fantasy.

        KK, can you find the link where he was talking about his team?

      22. I understood it to be a team he plays on. I hope you’ll be able to find it. I feel as if I’m losing my mind. But then again, I am dreaming of him. Maybe I dreamt that he said he and his chaps get together and play. I remember it seeming more formal that that though. Like some kind of league or something? Don’t spend much time on it. I already know I’m crazy 😜

      23. Maybe Clarece, but more likely head coach of a youth team…not! Omg, can you imagine your kid playing for him. I giggle.

      24. The expectations! The fury of not being the #1 team! He wouldn’t pat them on the back and say “good try kids, we’ll get ‘em next time.” And oh, the training regimen! Yeah, no coaching for the British Darth Vader. He can stick to reading them stories at ice cream time.

      25. Clarece, that motto’s a bit heavy for the younguns, but if anybody could instill it, it would be Coach Tudor. I can hear them chanting it when they come out of their locker room. It would undoubtedly intimidate the other team.

      26. That’s what MatriNarc raised him on from out of the womb. How else would he coach?

      27. Yes, Clarece. If you’re not first, you’re last. Indeed, MatriNarc’s toxic influence affects everything he does.

      28. MB
        I misunderstood your comment; I thought you meant that HG used the family motto for his football team.

      29. MB
        A lot of narcs are coaches. I found out Saturday that my exhusband is coaching our 5 year old granddaughter’s soccer team. And he knows nothing about soccer! Yet he volunteered when they needed a coach because of his certainty that he can do anything he tries (and he’ll probably do well!)

        Not HG’s thing, though. He avoids children.
        I thought HG had said previously he played football when he was younger – like school age. Now he is an enthusiastic fan of professional teams.

      30. WS, I hope it turns out well for the little ones. You are correct that narcissists tend to be successful. There’s just not a lot of control that can be exerted when one is dealing with a team of 5 year olds and their parents. I’ll pray for them all.

        Yes. I know I’ve read that HG was a well decorated youth football (soccer) athlete. I love to watch them kick the ball up behind them. The dribbling amazes me too. I would tangle my feet up and land in my back sure as the world!

      31. MB
        It’s a 3-5 yr old league. I know absolutely nothing about soccer and I’m sure not going to learn watching these kids play!
        I was even an assistant high school soccer coach my first year teaching. That was a joke! My only job was to make sure there was water and clean towels and to keep up with the med kit! Lol!

      32. No. That’s his favorite team though. You’re awesome. He’s enjoying this or he’d chime in. He probably plays with the retired DB in a Thursday night pick up game

      33. Thank you MB
        You would be surprised at what you can learn from the persiflage and it can be quite amusing at times.

      34. I know. That’s where most of the “trivia” is. HG has mentioned that there are plenty of clues to figure out his age.

      35. There is no need to. The chances of being struck there when plating football are very low and if it happens, it winds and one recovers.

      36. And you flatter him MB, you flatter him. Hmmmmm, the frisk levels are plummetting. Keep them up!

      37. Love it PV, I’m sure “da Tude” approves of the walking on water. But the skipping? Probably not so much!

      38. Awwww HG dosent appear to be in the mood for amble chit chat tonight.You forgot the other option MB..commando???

      39. Star, I’m sure he didn’t want to get anything started like that time we went on and on re his hair. It really isn’t productive and I shouldn’t think about his under garments (or lack thereof) anyway. He’s too grown up for my nonsense. There are more important matters at hand. Boxers or briefs IS the stereotypical personal question and I was really just being funny. I would’ve been surprised had he answered anyway.

      40. Judging from the voice and the interests, I think HG’s age is 60+. And I think he’s a conductor or a play writer. 🙂

      41. Rachel, his voice makes him sound much older than he is. He does play the piano. You’re about 20 years high. I think that’s what “taking the piss”means!

      42. MB, maybe so. English is not my language, but “taking the piss” sounds very unfriendly to me. A cold-ass answer to a comment from someone who hasn’t been active on this blog for years. I listened to some videos on youtube (the ones I found most interesting for my situation) and picked some of the articles here. That together made me think HG is at least 60 years old. (I’m in my mid-thirties)I didn’t read the blog from the beginning, and I really don’t care about HG’s age, zodiac or profession. I just thought the comments in this thread were funny, and wanted to share what I thought HG’s age and profession was, because it’s very different from what most of you think.

      43. That makes me feel bad Rachel. HG meant his comment with levity. He’s humorous that way. Please don’t take it as being unfriendly. He is quite the opposite. Don’t be deterred from commenting. The more the merrier. By the way, I am very impressed with your English. What is your native language?

      44. Mr Nice Guy you are! What exactly does taking the piss mean? We don’t use that saying here. Maybe it has to do with the bellend?

      45. Haven’t heard the mickey one either! Google says it’s “making fun of someone”. I’ll add that to my list of British sayings. Jolly good! It’s just not the same when I say it.

      46. Don’t feel bad, I’m fine. 🙂 And my native language is Dutch.
        HG should start using emoticons. I just received loads of email alerts for new messages in this thread(fuel for me!!! :)), and I thought it was really funny to see “HG Tudor commented: Correct” about 3 or 4 times. Ha ha. Man of few words, indirectly telling me he came in peace.

      47. Indeed I did and I am pleased you recognise that. I do not use emoticons however.

      48. Rachel, somebody will probably beat me to it, but hell 🔥will freeze over before HG Tudor uses an emoticon 😂. Clarece calls his few words “caveman speak”. You’re getting it. “I come in peace.” Welcome to the crazy! 😜

      49. KK, you think I should’ve put more emojis? I don’t want to be on the naughty step. I think I’m good today though. Pretty sure it’s gonna be NA today for that larger font stunt she pulled.

      50. Rachel
        HG’s just being playful. I love when he teases me or other bloggers; the banter is quite funny.

      51. Not at all. I heard your voice on youtube before I started reading the articles, and that was the image I created in my mind. You know who you are, so what does it matter. 🙂

      52. OH NO, this is too much!
        Re: narc coaches, I actually had this happen.
        My gorgeous tiny little five year old boy on a baseball team and his coach (clearly a Lesser, ok), tried to gaslight my kid and tell him “you’re leg hurts” and my five year old had no idea what this grown man was talking about. Obviously trying to trick my kid into benching himself for the final game, I kid you not. My husband argued it to the ref and the coach walked up with his own story and called my husband a liar. Husband then afterward called me on the phone because I wasn’t there and told me. I had immediate understanding of what was going on due to my own background and lost it on the man’s (also a police officer, btw) voicemail and then got him fully kicked out of the league.
        Supernova!

        It is so funny to me that you can put this in context like that. I knew looking back after reading this blog what happened but to see it predicted by intuition is hilarious, it makes more sense now.

      53. Nunya, this seems like the more typical scenario when a narcissist coaches. Making it through the season without incident would be impossible. I hope things work out with WS’s ex coaching. He’s a greater and seems pretty cool from what she says about him.

      54. Yeah MB, I could see it going differently and well in the right situation. I was really caught off guard by that one. Really interesting to hear perspectives.

      55. MB
        Oh, he’ll do fine. He coached little league baseball for years. He’s smart enough to learn drills and strategy, to understand the kids and their parents. Smooth enough to charm where needed and mean enough to intimidate the unruly. His only real defect as a coach for such small ones is a lack of empathy or care for their feelings/needs. But he’ll delegate that to someone else.

      56. “Taking the piss” is just a way of saying you are joking or teasing someone.

        So HG saying you are “taking the piss” means that you must be are joking with him if you think he is that old.

        I believe 60+ was referenced before he said that.

      57. Thank you the clarification Valkyrie. I’ve seen it used here before. Should’ve given it a Google, but I’d rather hear it from you. 😊

      58. HG gives some age clues in Fury. Age 20 in the later part of the 80s. Referencing an annoying pop song of Michael Jackson (that would have to be Bad, which came out in ’87).

        At 15 gets pulled by his ‘sideburns’. ( aka ‘Mutton chops.’) Early 80s, probably had that shaggy Carl Sagan hair.

    1. Knew you wouldn’t answer 🤣
      I honestly wanted to know.

      Ok I’ll ask something worthy of you as socks are below you 😝

      …..

      Do you ever have moments of connection and caring? According to Dr Craig Malkin (he was on Oprah) to catch the narcissist being good and reinforcing that behaviour makes you feel good and admired associating those fuel feelings with that person.

      So for eg, let’s say NA-or Bibi or Clarece or Windstorm just off the top of my head contribute respectful, funny and wise responses to blogs. They value you. They care for you. You come to admire their input, there’s a connection. A positive and mutual exchange dulling the emptiness in exchange for education and empowering the empath.

      In essence, we all have a connection contract with you. You have your blog rules and us readers have respected boundaries here for eg, you won’t Narc bomb us or abuse our privacy on consultations. If you did. We would dis-engage.

      Have you ever connected with anyone from your blog and took them from tertiary source to secondary source non intimate of course?

      Genuine question.

      ……

      Also, I’m still really curious about the socks 😬

      1. I do not form attachments. There are readers who have consulted with me regularly and therefore one would regard them as NISS as I know about their life etc.

      2. “One” would regard them? Or you do regard them up from tertiary?
        This goes back to our debate a few months back on connecting, attaching, then bonding. I know you say you can’t do all 3. I say you definitely connect having been drawn to a target and investing the time to ensnare them. Attaching? Well your addiction to their fuel is an attachment. Bonding requires too much intimacy that shuts you down.

      3. That makes me feel all warm and fuzzy, HG. Don’t burst my bubble by telling me I’m not included in that group. Let me have my fantasy.

      4. PV
        I have ever only assumed (at least for myself) that there is no connection or attachment. That my frequent contributions and behaviour align with whatever role/appliance he has determined for me as being suitable and applicable to his aims for the blog. Nothing more. If the blog ended tomorrow I will have never existed. If I have learned nothing else personally, it is that it is foolish or naive to believe otherwise with a narcissist.

        A different matter entirely between commenters.

        It was an interesting question and one I dont recall being asked before. Thank you for raising it.

      5. Thanks for replying HG.
        I do find it all fascinating. I joined Tinder for two whole days!! My Narc detector was through the roof!! Thanks to you, I know the signs. Before I did not identify traits, now they bat me in the face!

        On connecting, I think what Clarece said rings true. You don’t know how to intimately bond but you connect-if even to fuel up-some of us will give better fuel than others so it would be natural for you to want them as NISS.

        NA makes a good point as always (love your sense of humour NA!) about us just being an appliance. It does sadden me that if this blog disappeared so would we, like we never exisisted to you. That’s what gets me the most with Narcs, you don’t exisist unless they want something from you.

        I had a dream the other night about my nex and he was part of the narc academy, churning out Narc after Narc. He explained why he chose me, he had 5 victims grooming at the same time, each Narc was after residual benefits, money! Everybody I came into contact with knew, couldn’t believe I was there looking for answers, some showed pity and disgust. One even said I was the best victim the academy had seen. I woke up fucking hating him and myself.

        I think it’s because I’m in the middle of series 2 of the handmaid tales and the dark forces are in charge, all wealthy Narc males, trapping fertile women to bear children for a decreasing population. It’s quite dark.

        So yes, thanks for responding. I waffled on a bit there I think!

      6. We attach you to us to provide fuel. We do not attach to you. That is how we can jettison so readily.

      7. HG, are all blog readers considered NISS by you and no longer tertiary sources? Or do you mean, blog readers who you have personally engaged with off blog ? Via email and Skype conversations. If, so then I am definitely still tertiary.
        If not attachment, is that change in status due to a sense of appreciation/ acknowledgment relating to your aims and Legacy?

      8. All readers are tertiary. There are some who I have consulted with repeatedly and therefore know more about them and have a degree of familiarity with, within the parameters of professionalism who would be considered NISS.

      9. And that unidirectional attachment issue is the crux of my fatal mistake. I will regret my folly, which I would consider a parody of the truth of things if it were at all funny, lifelong.
        Still, education is nice. I’ll settle for that.