The Sleep of the Righteous

I don’t like going to sleep. Being asleep is not such a problem because obviously I am asleep and therefore oblivious to what is going on. It is the act of going to sleep which troubles me and consequently it has in the past taken me some time to fall into slumber. Once I do, I always sleep straight through until morning and awake refreshed and raring to take on my first fuel of the day. I recall a room mate on a football tour when I was 21 asking me why I was still up reading at a late hour when he had been asleep and woke to use the toilet. I explained I was enjoying reading my book, after all, I was not going to admit to him the real reason why I was still reading at midnight. I need to exhaust myself so that I know when I climb between the sheets I will be embraced by my deep and untroubled sleep straight away. If I cannot do that I have learned, after many fretful nights, that sleep will not come easily to me.

I know why this is. It is not, as a spiteful ex-girlfriend Tonia once remarked,

“You cannot get to sleep because your conscience won’t let you after all the despicable things you have done.” I laughed that one off. She had no idea.

No. The reason is that when I am going to sleep I believe that everything I have built up and created will disappear. I fear you will vanish because I can no longer see you. I am troubled that all my hard work in finding and establishing supplies of fuel will melt away once I am not able to control it. I need to be in constant control of what is happening and hate for that control to be taken away from me by asleep. Naturally, I must sleep like everyone else but it is in that few minutes as one settles down that the demons creep out from the corners of the room and threaten the destruction of my empire because shortly I will no longer be on hand to govern it. It matters not that I have woken the next day and found everything intact. I am terrified that one day that just could change. Accordingly, I need the transition from wakefulness to sleep to be swift and pronounced.

42 thoughts on “The Sleep of the Righteous

  1. Emma says:

    This post answers many questions of mine, thank you for sharing HG. The awareness you have regarding your own condition is impressive.

    There is a dreamlike quality to our world isn’t it, it changes constantly, and when we go to sleep it disappears all together. Although it is more accurate to say that it is sense perceptions that disappear during sleep rather than the world since we have no way of knowing anything, such as a world, existing outside of sense perceptions.

    I have been reflecting on what you say about the fear of your empire disappearing. It is fascinating that we say: the world / sense perception disappears during sleep, we don’t say “I disappear”. The “I” – that is the one who knows the sense perceptions which continuously arise and disappear – does not itself arise and disappear. This “I” who knows, is the unchanging element or faculty of who we are. And we know this fact , that is why we don’t say “I disappear” because it is not our experience, yet contrary to fact, we have somehow adopted the belief that “I” will also disappear together with the world / perception and so we scare our self with such an unfounded belief.

    Even though existential fear is universal, for the narcissist the fear of “I” disappearing seems to be much more prevalent than average.

    In my experience, becoming more aware of the fact that the essence of who you are does not and cannot disappear is what makes the existential fear subside and well, disappear.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you and you are welcome.

  2. SuperXena says:

    “The reason is that when I am going to sleep I believe that everything I have built up and created will disappear. I fear you will vanish because I can no longer see you”

    I believe this has to do with their lack of object constancy ( and consequently not being able of “bonding”). Furthermore, I believe that this lack of object constancy is also one of the reasons of their extreme need of control.

  3. SuperXena says:

    “The reason is that when I am going to sleep I believe that everything I have built up and created will disappear. I fear you will vanish because I can no longer see you”

    I believe this has to do with their lack of object constancy ( and consequently not being able of “bonding”).

  4. poitiersdoe says:

    justo al terminarse de formar tu personalidad

    1. SuperXena says:

      potiersdoe,

      I am writing to you in Spanish because I assume that you do not feel comfortable with writing in English:

      ¿ A qué te refieres con terminarse de formar tu personalidad? ¿Te refieres al momento en que el narcisista duerme y no tiene acceso a combustible cuando duerme?

      Translation: What are you referring to? Are you referring to the narcissist not having access to fuel when he /she is sleeping?

  5. Renarde says:

    One of the things I noticed before I became weaponised with the male N’s I knew is that they struggled to sleep, they would complain of insomnia. One GE said it was chronic; he really struggled unless there were other people around him.

    When he was with me though, it used to shock me how quick he would drop off. far quicker than me. A GC I was with for a time was also the same. He would drop off very quick with me too within seconds of settling down. It was unnerving. My Lesser brother also had sleep difficulties.

    1. poitiersdoe says:

      nunca entendí esta enfermedad

      1. HG Tudor says:

        You will understand the disease here.

  6. Jess says:

    For the narcissist, it boils down to just a few things. Power(or fuel), control and superiority. In that order of importance, I believe. Quite simple really… My empathic friends are always trying to make sense of their narcissist’s behavior. “Why did he do that?” “What was he thinking…that makes no sense” I’m like a broken record to them….it’s one of these three things.

  7. Michelle says:

    I have very similar type fears, and often need help with getting to sleep like a sleeping pill or diazepam, and I dont want to leave my hubby…by going to sleep…and I also don’t like going to sleep because even though this must seem weird, I worry my hubby might leave me after 14 years, (I have nightmares about this or that he won’t love me any more) or his family will abandon me. I worry that my pets won’t be there when I wake up because they are like my children, and until I’ve seen them all when I wake up, I am ok again. But night time I often sleep alone anyway, because if hubby snores I will keep waking up, and so either he or I will sleep in other room. I sleep better on my own. But I also hate being on my own, and I have a weighted blanket to help my anxiety. It’s horrible, and the fear and anxiety never leave. Many times I will cry myself to sleep because it exhausts me. (I don’t think my eyes are ever not puffy)
    When you are co-dependent and have BPD and separation Anxiety Disorder you literally fear being alone…. abandoned and not loved. It makes me cry just writing this…..

  8. shesaw says:

    This sounds almost like hypervigilance, managed by a very intelligent and self-aware person.

    Thank you again for sharing your awareness, HG. Reading your articles is like discovering a new world, a one which was only unfolded in a very fragmented way by the other narc in my life. Your insights are healing the wounds that he created.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  9. On My Journey says:

    This is hilarious … I often in the past wondered why everytime a IPSS got mad at my Narc and left him or was threatening to leave he always says that he had a bad night that he can’t sleep. Every time it happened with me he was texting me in the middle of the night.

    I figured out the last time someone he did not care much about left him ( they all get tired of him) that he was recalculating his fuel matrix and his approach in the futur. He always have list of IPSS.

    He was worried about the fuel … it took me awhile to figure it out.
    .. that is it..

  10. EVB says:

    B

  11. chaos says:

    I actually feel sorry for u reading this.. and think, as usual, how silly can i be lol
    You have such charming way of expressing your ideas .

    1. Leanne says:

      Chaos,

      That “charm” is our poison. It’s just the tip… just a taste. . It is the pheromones that help to ensnare us! Like an addict for a fix. We are just as drawn to them as they to us.
      …But it’s built-in and I’m not sure there is an antidote.

      So we must be STRONG when we feel that pull. Fight it. I don’t know about other empaths, but when someone is attracted to me, I feel that sensation too. We have to recognize all these factors (and the red flags) and then -act- on that knowledge, to protect ourselves, from what will eventually come.. the pain

      Lee 😘

      N/C 1yr

      1. Leanne says:

        Whoops! Just saw the date. Old thread… sorry

      2. NarcAngel says:

        Leanne
        Good job on the one year NC. How do you feel at one year? Seeing the narcissist for exactly what they were? Not missing the narcissist at all? Still thinking about them with longing? Still fighting to stay no contact? I’m just wondering after a full year what it feels like when you look back. Just curious your timetable as in – it took one month before I could see clearly, 3 months before I felt angry, 6 months before I felt nothing at all…
        I realize it may differ from one person to another.

        If you care to of course.

  12. ava101 says:

    Dear HG,

    oooh that’s why(!) my ex-narc got on his feet as soon as he awoke in the morning and why he was active 18 hours a day. Do you do that, too?

    The sleep of the un-righteous is a bit unfair, though.
    I had nightmares at the time when I found you and still can’t sleep.

    Thanks for clarifying that you’re not possessed. ;D

    That is so interesting with the world disappearing … you do realize that little children can get scared to death when their mother leaves the room, because they haven’t developed so called object permanence yet? I remember waking up in the evening and my mother wouldn’t hear me because the TV was too loud … I thought she was gone … but she came then and explained to me that she was still there when there was light on in the hallway and when I could hear the TV.
    I however woke up one night in total panic in the first 4 weeks with my ex-narc because I couldn’t sense him anymore (he was at his place, asleep for a change). … He really got me used to his constant messages within weeks.

    ***

    >”I have formed the view that part of the reason why the good doctors wanted me to share was because they saw a therapeutic value in me doing so. I do think more about how my behaviour impacts on people as a consequence of my heightened awareness.”

    So – what do you think about that now?? I mean – that you know all about your impact on innocent little empaths like me is clear, but did it change anything? Like .. letting one in 10 victims off the hook?
    “If he lets you free now, then you MUST leave.” (Dangerous Liaisons)

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No, I would not let them off the hook because my needs still come before theirs.

  13. Starr says:

    I love sleep . It makes you forget about the trauma if only for a little while . I love to sleep especially during the day . I want no power or control and if the world falls apart while I sleep then so be it .

  14. Dan says:

    H, I agree with your explanation completely. Have you considered that sleep is the most comparable thing to death that we can experience? Fear of death being paramount to a N considering it is the cessation of all fuel.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I agree Dan.

      1. Dan says:

        Thank you for your response. I didn’t mean to sound pretentious if it was taken that way. I still have the intrigue as to whether or not you thought about this beforehand? My course of thought being that maybe your sharing does offer some therapeutic value to you. The questions maybe thought provoking causing you to practice an amount of empathy for others. Maybe your response is a clue given it avoidance. Last question do you find yourself thinking more about your impacts on others outside of your postings and therapy?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I have formed the view that part of the reason why the good doctors wanted me to share was because they saw a therapeutic value in me doing so. I do think more about how my behaviour impacts on people as a consequence of my heightened awareness.

      2. Dan says:

        Thank you for your time.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome.

  15. Maddie says:

    Then don’t close them..I won’t vanish…or You sleep while I’ll look after Your world ❤

  16. karaa34 says:

    What a brilliant turn of phrase, matrinarc, love it. Okay, sorry for that suggestion. A cold bedroom in atmosphere, oh my, I laughed. I sleep with window open as well. But seeing it is proper winter here, not advisable to do so. Otherwise, I do as well. I like an airy room for sleep.
    I probably get six hours sleep a night. Well, you are one of the creatures of the night.

  17. karaa34 says:

    Was the result of sleep issues as a teenager related to drug induced psychosis or childhood trauma uncovered?
    How do you sleep now, do you keep a regime to ensure that transition, ie implemented bedtime hours, maintain a certain number of hours of sleep required per night, sleeping alone, darkened and quieted room, et cetera
    The possession comment made me laugh, don’t you possess others?

    1. malignnarc says:

      Drug induced psychosis,not a chance, Matrinarc would have hung me out to dry! I sleep most effectively now. When I choose to go to bed then it is time to sleep. I like a cold bedroom (both in temperature and atmosphere) and always sleep with a window open. I average six hours of sleep. Six is enough for a man, eight for a lady and nine for a fool.

  18. Mills53 says:

    Satan had a hard time sleeping. He would watch tv till the wee hours of the morning, then sleep for a few hours. I think he was demon possessed.

    1. malignnarc says:

      Perhaps he was not getting enough fuel to keep the creature locked away so that it was whispering in his ear and preventing him from sleeping. From your posts you had him worked out and most likely you were reducing his available fuel, thus weakening his ability to keep the beast quiet.

  19. byoung19963 says:

    Do you discuss demons in any of your articles? There’s a big part of me that believes there is a level of demonic possession. My narc was a previous drug addict highly promiscious in his earlier years I don’t think the sex stopped as much as cocaine did but who knows… ..I heard several stories over time regarding spiritual warfare he had where shadow like demons were coming out of TV and he was seeing horrible extremely vivid things that were his worst fears manifested like huge snakes , spiders etc there was manifested evil following him, a sign the evil was following him was the same looking dead leaves when he would arrive somewhere. I saw His face distort and look different when I got into his phone log through Bluetooth in the BMW his phone was linked to ( I got pretty savvy 😉 and called accidentally an ex of his from the car in xdrive ..do you ever feel possessed?

    1. malignnarc says:

      Interesting post. I am not possessed. Everyone has their own personal demons that they have to deal with in some way. With regard to your narc he was clearly experiencing psychotic episodes not doubt brought about as a consequence of his cocaine addiction. I the drugs were not responsible he may have some underlying mental health condition that causes such a visual hallucination. Was this ever diagnosed? With regard to his face distorting that it often common in some people who experience severe mood swings, they become someone else and their face portrays this. I have a friend who is bipolar. You know when he is on a downward swing because he does actually look different, he takes on a different physical representation. Of course you can tell it is him still, but his appearance alters and I is linked to his downward mood.

  20. EyesWideOpen says:

    So fascinating. My ex always told me he was terrified of sleep – he said he had always been since he was little. Is this the same for you? Were you a narc from childhood or did it manifest some time later?

    I find your blog empowering. Thank you for sharing the shadows in your mind.

    1. malignnarc says:

      I am pleased you find the blog empowering and thank you for interacting. Yes, the descent into sleep has always been a troublesome matter for me. When I was a teenager I did not know what was causing it but after a few years and some involvement from professionals I was given the answer. Was I a narc from childhood? Everyone is a narcissist when they are a child. Feed me, clean me, play with me, hold me. Everything has to revolve around you or you won’t survive. So you were one once! The difference is, most people develop and grow out of it. I did not.

      1. Renarde says:

        I know this is a very old comment HG but at roughly what age did you actually become self-aware? I became self aware (as an Empath I mean) at around the age of 26.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I always knew that I was different from those around me, but it was just after university that I became aware of what I am.

          1. empath007 says:

            So is it possible then that at any point someone could become self aware and move through the spheres of lesser- mid range- greater?

            I would assume as a N ages, even just by instinct, trial and error, they become better and better at their craft. Just the same way as an empath…. I can learn to set healthier boundaries for myself now that I am aware of my habits that make me a target for this kind of abuse.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            No, the narcissist never changes school.

            Certain manipulations may be finessed.

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