The Sleep of the Righteous

I don’t like going to sleep. Being asleep is not such a problem because obviously I am asleep and therefore oblivious to what is going on. It is the act of going to sleep which troubles me and consequently it has in the past taken me some time to fall into slumber. Once I do, I always sleep straight through until morning and awake refreshed and raring to take on my first fuel of the day. I recall a room mate on a football tour when I was 21 asking me why I was still up reading at a late hour when he had been asleep and woke to use the toilet. I explained I was enjoying reading my book, after all, I was not going to admit to him the real reason why I was still reading at midnight. I need to exhaust myself so that I know when I climb between the sheets I will be embraced by my deep and untroubled sleep straight away. If I cannot do that I have learned, after many fretful nights, that sleep will not come easily to me.

I know why this is. It is not, as a spiteful ex-girlfriend Tonia once remarked,

“You cannot get to sleep because your conscience won’t let you after all the despicable things you have done.” I laughed that one off. She had no idea.

No. The reason is that when I am going to sleep I believe that everything I have built up and created will disappear. I fear you will vanish because I can no longer see you. I am troubled that all my hard work in finding and establishing supplies of fuel will melt away once I am not able to control it. I need to be in constant control of what is happening and hate for that control to be taken away from me by asleep. Naturally, I must sleep like everyone else but it is in that few minutes as one settles down that the demons creep out from the corners of the room and threaten the destruction of my empire because shortly I will no longer be on hand to govern it. It matters not that I have woken the next day and found everything intact. I am terrified that one day that just could change. Accordingly, I need the transition from wakefulness to sleep to be swift and pronounced.

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21 thoughts on “The Sleep of the Righteous”

  1. So fascinating. My ex always told me he was terrified of sleep – he said he had always been since he was little. Is this the same for you? Were you a narc from childhood or did it manifest some time later?

    I find your blog empowering. Thank you for sharing the shadows in your mind.

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    1. I am pleased you find the blog empowering and thank you for interacting. Yes, the descent into sleep has always been a troublesome matter for me. When I was a teenager I did not know what was causing it but after a few years and some involvement from professionals I was given the answer. Was I a narc from childhood? Everyone is a narcissist when they are a child. Feed me, clean me, play with me, hold me. Everything has to revolve around you or you won’t survive. So you were one once! The difference is, most people develop and grow out of it. I did not.

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  2. Do you discuss demons in any of your articles? There’s a big part of me that believes there is a level of demonic possession. My narc was a previous drug addict highly promiscious in his earlier years I don’t think the sex stopped as much as cocaine did but who knows… ..I heard several stories over time regarding spiritual warfare he had where shadow like demons were coming out of TV and he was seeing horrible extremely vivid things that were his worst fears manifested like huge snakes , spiders etc there was manifested evil following him, a sign the evil was following him was the same looking dead leaves when he would arrive somewhere. I saw His face distort and look different when I got into his phone log through Bluetooth in the BMW his phone was linked to ( I got pretty savvy 😉 and called accidentally an ex of his from the car in xdrive ..do you ever feel possessed?

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    1. Interesting post. I am not possessed. Everyone has their own personal demons that they have to deal with in some way. With regard to your narc he was clearly experiencing psychotic episodes not doubt brought about as a consequence of his cocaine addiction. I the drugs were not responsible he may have some underlying mental health condition that causes such a visual hallucination. Was this ever diagnosed? With regard to his face distorting that it often common in some people who experience severe mood swings, they become someone else and their face portrays this. I have a friend who is bipolar. You know when he is on a downward swing because he does actually look different, he takes on a different physical representation. Of course you can tell it is him still, but his appearance alters and I is linked to his downward mood.

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  3. Satan had a hard time sleeping. He would watch tv till the wee hours of the morning, then sleep for a few hours. I think he was demon possessed.

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    1. Perhaps he was not getting enough fuel to keep the creature locked away so that it was whispering in his ear and preventing him from sleeping. From your posts you had him worked out and most likely you were reducing his available fuel, thus weakening his ability to keep the beast quiet.

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  4. Was the result of sleep issues as a teenager related to drug induced psychosis or childhood trauma uncovered?
    How do you sleep now, do you keep a regime to ensure that transition, ie implemented bedtime hours, maintain a certain number of hours of sleep required per night, sleeping alone, darkened and quieted room, et cetera
    The possession comment made me laugh, don’t you possess others?

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    1. Drug induced psychosis,not a chance, Matrinarc would have hung me out to dry! I sleep most effectively now. When I choose to go to bed then it is time to sleep. I like a cold bedroom (both in temperature and atmosphere) and always sleep with a window open. I average six hours of sleep. Six is enough for a man, eight for a lady and nine for a fool.

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  5. What a brilliant turn of phrase, matrinarc, love it. Okay, sorry for that suggestion. A cold bedroom in atmosphere, oh my, I laughed. I sleep with window open as well. But seeing it is proper winter here, not advisable to do so. Otherwise, I do as well. I like an airy room for sleep.
    I probably get six hours sleep a night. Well, you are one of the creatures of the night.

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  6. H, I agree with your explanation completely. Have you considered that sleep is the most comparable thing to death that we can experience? Fear of death being paramount to a N considering it is the cessation of all fuel.

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      1. Thank you for your response. I didn’t mean to sound pretentious if it was taken that way. I still have the intrigue as to whether or not you thought about this beforehand? My course of thought being that maybe your sharing does offer some therapeutic value to you. The questions maybe thought provoking causing you to practice an amount of empathy for others. Maybe your response is a clue given it avoidance. Last question do you find yourself thinking more about your impacts on others outside of your postings and therapy?

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      2. I have formed the view that part of the reason why the good doctors wanted me to share was because they saw a therapeutic value in me doing so. I do think more about how my behaviour impacts on people as a consequence of my heightened awareness.

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  7. I love sleep . It makes you forget about the trauma if only for a little while . I love to sleep especially during the day . I want no power or control and if the world falls apart while I sleep then so be it .

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  8. Dear HG,

    oooh that’s why(!) my ex-narc got on his feet as soon as he awoke in the morning and why he was active 18 hours a day. Do you do that, too?

    The sleep of the un-righteous is a bit unfair, though.
    I had nightmares at the time when I found you and still can’t sleep.

    Thanks for clarifying that you’re not possessed. ;D

    That is so interesting with the world disappearing … you do realize that little children can get scared to death when their mother leaves the room, because they haven’t developed so called object permanence yet? I remember waking up in the evening and my mother wouldn’t hear me because the TV was too loud … I thought she was gone … but she came then and explained to me that she was still there when there was light on in the hallway and when I could hear the TV.
    I however woke up one night in total panic in the first 4 weeks with my ex-narc because I couldn’t sense him anymore (he was at his place, asleep for a change). … He really got me used to his constant messages within weeks.

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    >”I have formed the view that part of the reason why the good doctors wanted me to share was because they saw a therapeutic value in me doing so. I do think more about how my behaviour impacts on people as a consequence of my heightened awareness.”

    So – what do you think about that now?? I mean – that you know all about your impact on innocent little empaths like me is clear, but did it change anything? Like .. letting one in 10 victims off the hook?
    “If he lets you free now, then you MUST leave.” (Dangerous Liaisons)

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