At War with the World

There is always a war somewhere raging on the face of this planet. Similarly, there is always a war taking place at some point within my life. I am combat-ready and mobilised for conflict. I know it staggers you just how many people I manage to fall out with. You don’t fall out with people, well only me and that is my doing. Contrast that to my position. When I am devaluing you I am warring with you, laying mines amongst the eggshells in the hope that you will tread on one. I fire my malice missiles towards you, lob a hand grenade of hatred in your direction and pepper you with bullets from my pomposity pistol. At times it is all you can do to pull on your tin helmet and hunker down in the hope of avoiding being hit. Even when I am seducing you it is a form of combat; they do not call it love bombing for no reason.
My list of opponents grows longer day by day. My war with you is established and entering a phase of attrition. I open up a new front against a family member with a barrage of toxic comments which may as well be nerve gas for the effect they have. I launch an ICBM against a colleague and delight as it hits the target and downs them, plunging them into the depths as they lose their job. I even skirmish with the lady in the convenience store. I cannot go anywhere in a peaceful fashion. I must bring fury and upheaval wherever I tread in order to create reaction.
Many a time I have been asked, “What is wrong with you? It is like you are at war with the world,” such is the breadth of those I lock horns with and the ferocity of my behaviour. Ignore me and I hurl daggers towards you, criticise me and I open up with my flame thrower of narcissistic rage, defy me and I launch a thermonuclear assault on you caring not whether it engulfs other people in its all consuming rage.
I am at war with the world. The world owes me and until it recognises me and pays me the adulation I deserve it must be subjugated, attacked and conquered. I fail to appreciate that this war is never-ending as I rip the white flag in two, snap the olive branch and shoot down the dove of peace. I fight on and on even though I know it is a war I cannot win.

13 thoughts on “At War with the World

  1. Dan says:

    Thank you for this insight.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  2. Jennie says:

    How does it affect you, to know you cannot win the war, as you put it?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I am winning though Jennie.

  3. Jax55 says:

    It would seem your reply has magically appeared Alice, thank you for sharing.

    I made a decision when I heard a piece on the radio re people who choose to do something special/life changing on the 29th February with it being a once in a 4 year occasion. I have chosen to stop my delving into all things narc on that day, so HG if I haven’t read your book, “Evil” by then, well it will be deleted from my Kindle.

    I was doing very well regarding the ex until I saw him for the first time in four years since I split from him.
    We had talked about setting up home and a business together here in France where I’ve lived for over 20 years, this was after we had spent the first part of the “relationship” ruminating whether he was going through a mid life crisis or not, and how he felt he wasn’t living the life he deserved despite being with the woman he chose to mother his children.
    I became the “other woman”, the open book who gave him unconditional love who was prepared to help him through all his inner wrangles, yes HG perfect material for your kind to feed from!
    I was old fuel as we first met in the 70s and it was thanks to the internet that he was able to find me again, and as he told me other female friends from the past.

    Well after sometime he decided he was going to break out of the family home and come and live with me, an aspiration I was told. Ironically though once he had made that decision that was when the rules changed and he was now wanting me to become the high achieving, high earning leader to set up a business that he could come and jump on board and no doubt take all the credit for. I was keen to do something for myself but I knew I couldn’t achieve it alone. I tried to appeal to what I thought was his enabling and facilitating side that I worked better as part of a team and that we should pool our resources, him being a project manager and me being a people centred person. I know my strengths but I also know my weaknesses.

    It was downhill from there, I had gone from being his trusted confidante, lover and closest friend to someone who had to prove that I wasn’t a passive follower.

    I still feel that I got off lightly in this relationship when I read of other people’s experiences of their relationships with a narc. Part of me still questions whether he is one or not but I only have to remind myself of some of the things he said, “It was you, the house and the business, all or nothing” being the most potent.

    I only witnessed one of his rages. When I received a resounding silence to my question, ” Do you prefer that I try to do this alone and fail or that we can work together as a team and succeed” made it clear to me where I stood so I let things slide and stopped dancing to his tune to see how he would respond.

    A lot of this was being transmitted through emails, our major form of contact, although we did meet up relatively frequently when he could escape from the family home.

    He eventually left home as he said he would, set up a flat and from that point his career went on the decline although I know over the years he had had a good few spats with clients, he was a contract worker, well paid but it would seem not well liked.

    I discovered that he’d started online dating and it was then I threw in the towel. He insisted on coming and visiting my home for the first time and we spent 5 days disentangling the relationship we had built up over 8 years.

    Within months of us splitting up he had found via online dating, a French woman living in the UK, whom he persuaded in a very short time to move over to France with him and set up business, and guess what it’s only 20 miles away from my home. He never told me he was here but I heard on the grapevine and so I knew that at some point there was going to be a strong risk of us bumping into each other, more than if he’d just stayed in the UK. It happened just before Christmas. Then again a few weeks ago, and that time it completely threw me as I wasn’t expecting to see him at this particular event which was only a couple of miles from my home. He was with the replacement from the dating site, although neither of them looked very happy, I suspect she is now being devalued as I believe the business they’ve set up together isn’t doing well and is on the market after only three years. Hopefully he’ll be back in the UK sooner than later.

    Before seeing him latterly I was quietly moving on emotionally and was putting thoughts of him and the relationship to bed. After I split I tried to reason with him and offered a hand of friendship after all we had been through and shared together, nothing in return. After lots of soul searching and hearing about cluster B personality types bells stated to ring very loudly. I’m not a bitter person and seek to point fingers of blame when a relationship finishes. I informed myself and discovered different sites, The Spartan Life Coach being the most healing. I discovered HG’s blog through another site I had stumbled upon. I thought I was dipping into the darkside at first but I’ve found most of wheat I’ve read her illuminating and can relate to much but not all. I suspect my ex is a covert narcissist, where as I see HG as being more like the character in the American Psycho but without the serial killing I hasten to add 😉

    It helps to know that what we had was never personal nor about me, and I feel now that I am ready to walk away from PlanetNarc fully armed with the knowledge that I’ve amassed over the last few months, just in case I have the misfortune of coming under the radar once again.

    Thank you again for sharing Alice and you are doing the right thing and I’m pleased you are still in a happy relationship with someone there to sustain and support you.
    My time here is coming to an end and I need to reclaim my life and make it a complete Narc Free Zone.

  4. Alice says:

    I just posted a long reply to your comment, but it doesn´t show up…
    Let´s wait and see if H.G. will fix it (since narc´s are omnipotent, he should be able to do that;-))

  5. Alice says:

    The ‘at-war-with-the-world’ state of my mind was one of the first things that I felt were ‘off’ and ‘odd’ with A (the narc that I used to deal with). I used to tease him by saying ‘Aww, A vs. the rest of the world’ when he switched on the ‘victim mode.’ That was ok with him in the idealisation phase but started to bother him very soon.

    As all narcs, he had broken up with almost everybody from his past or vice versa, including family members (though he’d rather break up emotionally with them, not physically). However, I soon noticed that there was an exception: a handful of long-standing friends from his younger years and, of course, ‘exes’ that he visited regularily (#triangulation #compartmentalitizing #parallel realities).

    Interestingly enough, NONE of those friends or exes/other women lived in the same town thsn him. And he only spent week-ends or up to a week with them when he visited them, never longer than that. In fact, it was almost as if he was ‘touring’ Europe and even other overseas to visit all those friends, exes and acquaintancies.

    I remember thinking “how strange that he is putting that much time, money and energy into traveling the world to see these people'” when he would pretend that he was so “exhausted” in the evening that he could barely make a phone-call or write an EMail – all communication was handled the lazy way: he used robotic, rigid two-liners sent via WhatsApp. Today, I know he was ‘working’ his narc spaces/ playgrounds and sucking up supply from his ‘friends’ and other acquaintancies. Sometimes, they offered him company, diversion, understanding and a shoulder to cry on (or even sex, who knows?), other times, they’d provide him with a great place to stay for free, legal advice or access to knowledge and new people = more supply. Ablut three months into our (long-distance) affair, I started to sense that he used people not only for diversion but mainly in order to unload his anger – when we met, one of the first things he told me about was his 12-year-long war against his company, pretending he had been mobbed, blocked in his career, hindered in his work during all that time and ongoing.

    The story which he’d minutiously written down on 70+ pages in order to construct a court case against his employer went like this: A, being the supposedly over-qualified and over-talentex brave, rebellious and clear-sighted investigative journalist, had uncovered and adressed inconsistencies and lies in some (no: many!) of his colleagues’ works. As a consequence for speaking up, he had been mobbed and ‘frozen’ in his otherwise exceptionally brilliant career! Of course, he revealed even more ‘drama’, pretending that one of his superiors sexually assaulted female assistents and young journalists. I later realized he projected his own sexual fantasies and practices (of submitting women mentally, emotionally and sexually) onto this colleague. I even tested this during love-making once by playfully introducing the scenario as a sexual fantasy and was proven right – he got extremely turned on by this one, LOL!

    However, he firmly believed in his made-up scenarios and accusations, and pretended that the constant battling and fighting with the different players of the hierarchy of that renowned broadcasting company (his employer for 25+ years) were the very reason for his severe depression, anxiety, panic attacks, repeated temporary burn-outs… #blame-shifting. The truth is tha he had spent years in therapy and taking anti-depressive meds when I met him. This was huge red flag, as I now know and as my guts told me back then, but I unfortunately ignored my guts because I so wanted to believe in the illusion and so hoped I could support and help him heal/fix his stuff, including bad childhood wounds… I know you all know how that goes, and by now, all of us here knows that this can NEVER work.

    I should also mention that he had already spent many many hours a day for years – in fact, for seven years! – on an online dating site ‘sexting’ women and occasionally meeting some of them when we met. I know, because I was one of them and that’s how we first got in touch in the first place… the difference is that I spent no more than 3 months on that site and hated it; I cancelled my account when we ‘became exclusive”, or at least that’s what I thought, whereas it had been his no. 1 priority for years! I’m not joking here: online sexting was his addiction, he lived it as an addiction, the consequences were the same, and the withdrawl symptoms as well. He had already lost his marriage, his daughter’s everyday presence in his life, the emotional connection to anybody around him, and he had destroyed a previous 4-year intimate relationship with a beautiful, young lady because the only thing he could truly commit to were his ‘virtual harem’, his ridiculous ‘fantasy sex life’. In a time frame of about 10 years, he had morphed from an offline ladies man/serial cheater/in the real world into an online predator/sex addict. How sad is that? It took me several months to understand that his addictive behaviour with regard to this online dating site was a symptom of a personality disorder called NPD, and not just a bad habit or a way to meet new women. No, it was his main supply system but also the cause for his burn-outs, exhaution and depressive states. I do not want to go into greater details here, because I don’t want to offend anyone reading. But stopping that kind of behaviour is like withdrawing a drug (or totally cutting ties with the narc im your life if you are an empath/co-dependent). It is easy to research the effects of (online) sex addiction. They are similar to what we feel when we try to detach or to stop obsessing about the narc. Which leads me to the conclusion that I am currently going through a relapse;-)

    Anyhow, what matters regarding #atwarwiththeworld is that he ALWAYS blamed other people, circumstances or the world in general for the various conflicts, troubles, disharmonies and pains in his life, whereas in reality, he himself created the chaos and acted as troublemaket.

    I remember the day when I finally came to the understanding that “this chaos in his life will never stop, because he doesn’t want it to stop – he NEEDS it! He genuinely ENJOYS and SAVOURS the lies, the chaos and the web of deceit and betrayal!”

    OMG -I was so shocked and horrified. And I felt so helpless, devastated and sad for him, his daughter, and for me and us – even for the other woman (his ex) although she was no. 3 in the triangle…

    Of course, there were the cycles of mania and depression that are so typical for narcs: one day, he wouldn’t’ find the strength to get out of bed. The next day, when I or other suitable supply (I include all types of targets and ‘friends’ here) happened to visit him in his new town, where he had moved to at the beginning of 2014, he would wear the attitude of the ‘great entertainer’, the expert on architectural styles and culture and could walk and talk and wine and dine everybody for hours! How could he change so quickly?

    I have to admit though that he does indeed have a great reservoir of knowledge and education – he is highly intelligent, holds degrees in psychology and social sciences, he speaks five languages and has lived in countries such as Russia, the US, Afghanistan and Iraq (he works as a journalist), he has a very good taste and definitely style! That’s why I fell for him – conversations with him could be just as inspiring, challenging and diversing as the sex, and I still miss that part.

    BUT… the shifts from one extreme to the other, and that trail of chaos and broken relationships, the disruptiveness of his human interactions and the seperateness/segregation (?) of his past and current ‘friendships’ were so sudden, unusual and ‘structural’ that it made me feal uneasy and put off-guard very early on. I’d never crossed paths or swords with such a strange individual before!

    When I adressed these and related issues or questionned him on his inconsistencies regarding e.g. his ‘mobbing case’, he showered me with narcissistic rage so cold and terrible that my heart froze in shock and despair. These were the ‘reptile moments’ that opened my eyes, alongside many small glimpes of the creature that lurked behind the many masks.

    Well, that’s it for today. I know this is a very exhaustive comment and I apologize for digressing. But everything is related and entwined i. ‘the narc/empath dance’ , isn’t it? However, please let me know if such comments are too long for your site and I will try my best to keep the
    short and sweet in the future:-)

    1. malignnarc says:

      No comment is ever too short or too long, everyone has something valid to add through their comments so feel free to post in a truncated or elongated style.

    2. Jax55 says:

      Sorry if this reply comes up several times, I’ve had problems posting…

      “These were the ‘reptile moments’ that opened my eyes, alongside many small glimpes of the creature that lurked behind the many masks.”

      My ex, ironically, as one of his many side lines sells Venetian masks. It seems to be the only business that he has any success with.

      Alice I relate very much to most you have shared above.
      All our stories are very different but to varying degrees we all have succumbed to the narcissist’s dance.
      You strike me as being someone with a deep reserve of inner strength, keep safe.

      1. Alice says:

        Thank you for your reply which I got via e-mail thanks to the subscription feature. I haven´t been visiting *the Evil blog* much lately, because I´ve finally committed to focusing on my own issues, on self-development and growth instead of delving into and processing the narc patterns and features;-)

        Indeed, that has made all the difference: the moment I started that shift – away from the narc, towards myself and overcoming my insecurities, acknowledging my own shadows and blank spots, I started to feel much, much better and the healing began:-)

        That was in mid-November of last year, about a year after I broke up and went no contact with the narc. I broke no contact exactly three times – answered two WhatsApps, accepted one phone-call – but never ever agreed to meet him again in person, and never replied to any of this hoovers since that one and only phone-conversation at the end of September 2015. And I am convinced that this was and is the right way for me to go, although I still have week moments and `cravings´ every now and then.

        Instead of giving in to them, I set myself up for a challenge in last November: I committed to stop being at war the narc (mentally/emotionally still), to stop being at war with myself and to doing the following for just 30 days in a row:

        – Eating well (healthy, natural, unprocessed foods; organic if possible, no red meat, no sugary stuff, less to no diairy, instead a plant-based diet with lots of lean protein, fruit, vegetables, tasty diary such as greek yoghurt, goat cheese etc.);
        – exercising daily every day for at least 30 minutes;
        – getting up early and going to bed early enough to wake up feeling fresh and energized the next day;
        – listening to empowering guided meditations, vlogs and podcasts (recommended: Teal Swan´s Vlogs on YouTube, Kaleah La Roches radio shows on;
        – spending good times with my kids every day (which included listening to them without any technical devices in the background, doing outdoor activities together, reading books or cooking, whatever)
        – spending quality time with good friends and family at least once a week;
        – having sex regularily with my husband (yes, I am married!) – I know this one sounds weird but it has proven to be a great `tool´ for recovery;-)
        – being fully focused and committed at work;
        – opening up to new people, opportunities, interets;
        – starting a new book, going to the museum or another cultural acitivity at least once a month;
        – going out to dancing nights with friends at least once a month;
        – speaking up for myself when someone transgressed my boundaries.

        That was it, basically. After a month, I had lost 10 lbs, my skin cleared up, may sleeping improved, my all-over health improved and I felt so incredibly better than in the entire year before that I decided to give it another month, and another… now I am at the end of month 3, I lost 15 lbs, got rid of the flashbacks, the anxiety and all the narc-obsessing that I can truly say: I am healed:-)

        It is possible to break the toxic patterns! And yes, they can still be toxic patterns even when the narc has physically disappeared from your life a loooong time ago: the obsessing is a pattern, and unless you can´t break the obsessive retrospective, the researching about narc abuse, the whole victim forum stuff, the relating, the victim-mode in general, you are still stuck in there. Trust me, I know what I´m talking about, I´ve been there. It took me months and months to traverse that state. I think it is OK when we take the time we need to traverse that dark night of the soul. It is a process, and it isn´t linear. Maybe it´s elliptical. But it is our own decision: to break the pattern of abuse, or to not break it. I treated the toxic dance with the narc like an addiction. That is what it was for me: an addicition. So I had to surrender and accept to go through withdrawl. That was extremely painful and difficult. I stumbled and failed several times but I got up again, took it one day at a time. I swore to myself that I would make it to the other side of the tunnel. I never gave up.

        This is my advice to anyone out there still stuck in the cycle: start step by step, never give up on yourself. Never give up on happiness, sanity and freedom. If I could do it, you can do it too:-)) Blessings, xx

    3. Erica says:

      No this was right on the money and very similar to what I went through and you gave me another avenue to research thank you so much I needed this

      1. Alice says:

        Hi Erica,

        Not sure if your comment was meant to be a reply to the comment I posted in February 2016 (this is how it showed up in my eMails),, but if that was the case, I’m glad to hear you found it useful for your own journey:-)

  6. byoung19963 says:

    I never really put a ton of thought into this but I did start to take note of this trend. It actually was a situation at a convenience store like you mention, he had a heated altercation with a woman that was so combative over his place in line, he would not let her go 1st, and she hurled all kinds of insults at him, and he reacted right there hurling insults back at her, the packed convenience store. I was thinking omg your a deacon at church ! What the heck was that?! What if you see that woman while you are serving in church ? ! I pray she comes

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