Escape : How to Beat the Narcissist

escape

The inside track from the dark-hearted master

Includes techniques to counter the narcissist where No Contact is not an option

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UK   E-Book Here

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Also available in paperback

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322 thoughts on “Escape : How to Beat the Narcissist”

  1. After a disaster relationship, here i am. Searching, reading over and over again about Narcisists. I cant find any explanation, any reason to a person be like that.
    I was there to be everything for me and he used me like use a toillet paper.
    He tricked me, mande me live a life in my country and now i am alone in a country that i dont know

    I am tired of be a empath! I HATE! I want to be a Psico! I am tired of surfer that horrible pain. I feel and i feel a lot. Enought for me!

    I like that view. A view of a psico. It’s very honest from you do that. Thanks.

    I want to know if i am a Narcisist. How can i know if i am or not? Only you can answer me this. I feel very guilty about the end of my relationship. Was my fault?
    I never betrayl him, but he didnt thought twice to do that with me and desappear without any explanation ! I feel so horrible and in pain. ..I
    need to know if I am the hunt or the Hunter

  2. Good morning, HG. I started reading ESCAPE last night. It is the sixth book of yours that I’ve read. I’m 75% through and will finish it later today then move on to the next one. I have questions I’ve wondered about throughout all my reading, but every chapter in this particular book hits it home. As you are obviously quite brilliant, and also so enlightened and knowledgeable about your disorder, 1) if you’ve figured it all out, why haven’t other brilliant narcpsychopaths? Or have they? 2) because you obviously have figured out why you do these things (yes, I know, fuel) why can’t you be healed, normal, fixed, apply the true logic that you apparently do see to your own life?
    Your reasons for essentially helping those of us who are empaths and have been snared by one of your kind are, of course, none of my business, but I am curious, (yes, we need to understand everything) it’s been my understanding from all my previous research that your kind does not enter into therapy because, for one thing, you don’t see anything that needs fixing, so 3) why are you helping us? I thought your kind isn’t into helping others, doesn’t care about anyone but yourselves?

    Regardless, thank you for all your help. I won’t be truly free until I can expunge my exnarc from my head, but I do think it’s the only work (regarding him) that I have left to do. You have helped me immeasurably and I look forward to our consultation.

    1. Thank you for reading, please do leave reviews on Amazon.

      1. They are not as brilliant as me nor are they able to communicate in the method that I do.
      2. There is no need for me to do this as I function effectively as I am.
      3. I assist you because it benefits me and it amuses me to weaponise empaths to go into battle against narcissists, after all, I owe them no loyalty.

      You are welcome.

      1. “3. I assist you because it benefits me and it amuses me to weaponise empaths to go into battle against narcissists, after all, I owe them no loyalty”.

        No time like the present.!

  3. “You never knew the true me.
    That part will be left for the ONE !

    I, as a reflexion…thrown at you the part of me of “people pleaser”!
    Sure you must have notice ?! as such a clever man you are !

    Thus…I will always remain a mystery for you.
    Sure you not think that I would give to you the juice of my inner beauty?!

    How could I?
    I was constantly being belittled.

    Ahhh,
    You were so soft in doing so.
    I could actually sense a sort of care.

    You don’t expect to get my own world given like that…to the hands of an abuser?!
    How could I ?

    I know your life must be so boring without me…
    I can see the extend of the confusion in your eyes every time I reacted differently,
    Such a challenge!

    Thus, that is who I am.
    Always changing, always in transformation…

    A being that is always shedding skin…keeping inside the juice for the ONE!

    *”the letters I will never send you”

    1. There is an error I would wish to correct if my post approved, a DO missing…
      “Thus…I will always remain a mystery for you.
      Sure you “do” not think that I would give to you the juice of my inner beauty?!”

  4. HG, Thank you for a extremely helpful site . Only reasontly found it, but read a lot. As well as ordered several of your books. Read this one in one sitting yesterday. Very good, basic . Things I have after 4 years being an empath in a relationship with a malignant high upper middrange but also coveted narrcesist. (Forgive me if I use the terms incorrectly, they are all new to me) finally figured out. But not begun to implement consistently. I do not want to take to much of your time as I know you are busy. I am considering a consultation but 2 of my 3 questions do not apply at all for one, but are specific to your body of work ,and maybe useful here on the blog.
    1. What is the recommended order to read your books in? I can’t find that answer . In the mean time I am going in order they were written.
    2. I have read all your blog work on the 3 schools, is there a specific test/ way to determine if a close to the edges edge narrcesist is one or the next level up? As in my case upper midrange or lowest greater I am uncertain.
    3. This is mabe more suited for consultation but I have not seen it mentioned here surprisingly. After the severe mental and emotional abuse I bern trough ( every word you ever written seem like taken out of each day for the last 4 years. Like you were tape recording 24/7 for years. Not 1 word doesn’t fit. Amazing, You truly offer emphats a mindblowing confirmation of their own insights as well as to a good extent answer the burning question in us Why? If We breath- we wonder why , To everything. As natural as breathing. You also show polite respect , not baby us or soothing nonsens. But as your readers / buyers of material you have a type of appreciation in a purely proffesional manner that is respectful & honest. To resive that from a narrcesist after the unbelievable insult to our intelligence, our compassion and our hearts done by our narrcesist abusers is stunningly mega therapeutic regardless of original intent. Thank you. I feel a scense of calm I have not experienced since the abuse started. ( Its not lost on me how polite, over admiring &over thankful I sound so it may be argued I am trading some co dependence to you in order to stay more unemotional & have better chance for a successful escape. ) My narcessist wants me to kill myself. It is his ultimate goal. He even says it straightforward. His last 2 girlfriends killed themself. That is how he is used to it end. He has a addiction to it. He gets off of the completion of total and utter destruction to death of a victim. The last girlfriend hanged herself on his frontpoch while me & him were inside. I was the one who found her, cut her down &repeatedly begged him to call 911(coincidently it was the first off endless times he took my phone so i had no phone to call). HE refused for over 10 minutes until I was screaming so loud he was afraid the neighbors would call. She was pronaced death in the ambulance but they did get the heart started again. 6 days on life support, complete brain dead. Pulled the plug. He has no remorse non. He blaims me for failing cpr. I now now he has no remorse for any of it. He has a sick fixation on her &the other one who od.when he left her for the one I now have talked about. Has kind of alters for them , obsessed with sex tapes/pictures of them. I think mostely just to hurt and belittle me, but not sure on that. So here is the final conclusion and question . I am stuck in the anger, bitterness fase, consumed by hate to a point where I contemplate almost homosidial outcomes. I dont think I even want out of this fase. I know how distorted the thinking is. I live by my clean consiounsnes,honesty and inner peace in more important than air to me. I am a deep animal emphat, i can not bear cruelty to anyone. Or even witness it. I would take a bullet in a hearhbeat for any animal, child, old person, sick person, most humans I know. I have never hurt innocence knowingly. He is different , I am at a point I want to become evil at any cost to myself to destroy him. I feel he taken everything from me (he has, death of my former animals the crulest) destroyed my life. My bringing him into my life has caused consequences on my counsieness I can hardly bare to live with. I been suesidal since I meet him, its a miracle I have not killed my self, exzept now I will NOT. Because my hate and need for vengeance have taken over completely. I will never give him that satisfaction now ever. I am at a dangerous point. I am in psycriatic care and counseling, but they do not take me seriously. I am always up to now the perfect, kind, caring, compassionate, polite subdue victim. But not any more, I feel like the worst abused animal “I see red. I need to stricke back, dont care if i die. I want revenge, I want to punish my abuser, I want him dead, I need the pain to end” please don’t be alarmed i see the distortion, i know he is not worth it. But I am at the end of my rope. I am to pushed in the corner .Can you recomend what to read for this extreme anger? I dont even want to let it go, it kept me alive this past year…. Thank you.

    1. Hello PRDS and welcome,

      Thank you for reading my books.

      1. In terms of order, doing so chronologically is one way, it depends on where you are in the dynamic. From what you have written you appear to be involved with the narcissist still and therefore you ought to read No Contact, Fury, Fuel, Manipulated, Getting Out, Sex and the Narcissist, Exorcism,
      2. Use the Narc Detector consultation.
      3. Yes an audio consultation is the appropriate forum for addressing this.

    2. Phoenix, I hope you can get an audio consultation ASAP! I’m so glad you found HGs work before it was too late.

    3. Hey PRDS. Welcome. I think it’s great that you understand the narc dyanmic now and that you understand how the narc drove his last two gfs to suicide.
      I think this can help you to plan your revenge. The best revenge to a narc is to ignore him. Be a gray rock. Don;t seek to kill him. He wins. He got negative fuel from you and managed to ruin your life. Understand that the best revenge is to ignore him.

      It really surpises me that his ex would kill herself in front of you guys. Suicide is usually private. I can only imagine the state of mind this person was in. :'(

      But you can win this. You can do it. You will win.

    4. Wow. Please please please get some help you have experienced severe trauma. You need someone to help you with this in person.

      You are in a very deep dark emotional and likely physical abuse situation. It’s fine to come here for answers but you need professional therapy.

      1. Lori is right. Maybe someone that really understands narcs. Praying helps a lot too. You will survive this. God is with you. How did u learn about narcs? that was a mircale.

  5. Hey HG!

    I was thinking about you today and about how much clarity your work has given me. I have been feeling existentially sad lately due to changes at work and just life getting in the way and when I do I think of the narcissist, I do so because he and I used to chat years ago and commiserate, etc. But all nostalgia for him has been abolished, thanks to you. I was also laughing over what a defective appliance I must have been for him.

    BTW I also was able to watch Gaslight on FilmStruck. I’d seen the British 1940 version on YT but the Ingrid Bergman version is much richer. A really wonderful film. (Of course I love old films.) I love Joseph Cotten, too (from Citizen Kane). Charles Boyer, who played the narcissist is excellent. What a cold stare he gives. And an 18 yr old Angela Lansbury–interesting to see how he manipulates all around him in the way he does. The ending is an absolute killer!

    Hope all is well with you, HG.

  6. H.G. I have a question! What if a narc man met narc woman and he got played by her and she treated him the same way. What then? Would this change him? Snap him out of it? ….kind of like getting a taste of his own medicine?

  7. Long post ahead! I’m in serious need of advice.

    What if you have a child with a narcissist? I don’t even know if he is one sometimes I wonder if I am. I don’t trust any of my thinking anymore. I really am so confused. But I’ve been told it’s from years of gaslighting. I know I was raised by a narcissist step mother who was absolutely insane. She went to great lengths to destroy all of our siblinings relationships with each other and tried to get my father to be alone. So after 10 years of my developmental years plus a 5 year relationship with a (I think narcissist) the amount of gas lighting I’ve experienced and people who have believed them after they’ve tried to isolate me has truly affected me. We have a 3 year old and I’ve left him (my ex nit my child ) and am in a new relationship now. But he might be one too! I don’t know . He tells me he believes ge is superior and that i should just thi k that too but it goes against mt whole being to put others in a less than category. He tries to get me to cut out toxic friends and tells me ti surround myself with good people and hes has a lot of wo derful friends who are so loyal so mayne he isnt one? I dont know. I can’t stop being overly giving. I’m a super empath I suppose. I can read what people need and I want to show them love and help them feel important. But because I am so good at reading people…does that mean I am one? And I can read people down to weirdly knowing what their general childhood was and what issues they have with it, and knowing how they feel at any given moment. It’s a lot to handle. It’s been proven again and again. So why if I’m that good can I not avoid the narcissist why do I end up seeking them out? Is it possible to be actually loved by a narcissist . Or do they only love what you do for them? Is it possible to fill the void they have and bring peace and an end to their cycle? Such a long post thanks for hopefully pulling through. Also it got a bit lost but how to co parent 50/50 with a narcissist? He loves our son I believe but know he resents being a younger dad and still is pretty immature and self centered.

    1. Being around his loyal friends aka his “followers” and expecting them to ever see your side is not good. If you have any positive friends, you have to keep them close. Do not allow yourself to be isolated. You need to try to figure out your wants and needs and set boundaries. If he is violating those boundaries, you might need to take a good hard look at the relationship you have. Read up on healthy and unhealthy relationships. Having a child with a narcissist can be challenging if they want to use your child to control you as well as the child and get in your head. My ex finally is fully committed to his gf and is being unbelievably nice to me. Maybe someone can correct me if I wrong, but I don’t think Nacissists can manipulate more than one person they truly want to control at a time. Anyway, I will take it. Unfortunately, I think I will be caught in a tough spot when he decides to torment her too. I was set to defend her when it happens, but we have kids. So not sure what I will do. I just hate that I will have to choose. He deserves to be in jail, on an island alone, or any other thing Karma can give full strength. Good luck to you! Please keep reading and if you can, reach out to a Domestic Violence Advocate to chat. They can provide so much help.

    2. Any time someone claims they’re different than other people – except for geniuses or people with a personality disorder, in which case it’s a fact – the warning bells go off for me.

      The narc ex also wanted me to stop spending time with my friends, claiming they were ‘beneath’ me and were holding me back. Loser. They are people who would get up in the middle of the night and drive 500 kms to come save my ass if I needed them and I would do the same for them. Beneath me? Haha.

  8. I have been through all the stages. I plan to move out. Hard to keep quiet about what I have learned. He is back in the golden phase and I love/hate him.
    Hard to believe someone can be so deceitful. I wish the new supply would have stayed around.

  9. Help!
    I’ve gone NC over 6 weeks ago after one too many ragefull outbursts by a narc/borderline/psychopath who I was involved with for over a year. The problem is that we are sort of neighbours who live 5 mins walk from each other and to make it worse, we have joint friends which is how we met…
    Not only did I have to break free from him but also from our mutual friends who are of course oblivious to the situation and regard this break up is a sad but normal event. Wrong!
    Losing partner and friends in one go is incredibly painful but the pressing issue is this- I need extra income so had to take a couple of shifts per week at a local shop and now he’s in the habit of passing by every time I work.
    Up until last night we just ignored each other but last night he showed up as I was closing all alone and stirred some shit again. He’s blocked everywhere, I no longer go to neighbourhood get together, but how do I stop him from trying to communicate with me when I’m kind of a captive audience?

    1. HG why would mine just quit having sex with me, we had the most intense sex life. My understanding is that isn’t normal for yall.

      1. Part of devaluation no doubt OR an early short test in the seduction. See the book Sex and the Narcissist for more.

      2. Charlie, HG’s recommended book will answer questions you didn’t even know you had!

  10. I have just recently stopped contact with a narcissist. I know that telling the narcissists that I am going to stop contact is ill-advised. But, I am joyfully and gleefully doing so, so that I will have the opportunity to torture him. He has so badly abused me, (I am an empath), that, now that I’m breaking contact and he is going to flip out at being ignored, I will take this opportunity to TORTURE THE HOLY EFF out of him. I’ll eventually take his calls or answer his emails with promises that I will not keep- like yes, I’ll come pick you up and take you to your (fill in the blank), or meet you for dinner or what ever and NEVER show up. I’ll answer his calls very late when he’s stymied by why I am not there, with calm and unemotional excuses like, Oh no gosh, I’m sorry honey- my car broke down and my cell stopped working and WHAT EVER sweet and empathetic excuses I can come up with. OH, THIS IS GOING TO BE SUCH FUN! Maybe I’m a bit of a narcissist myself. What ever. I am a kind, loving, generous, loyal, empathetic, sympathetic and nurturing person but eff with me like this and YOU WILL FEEL MY WRATH. But it won’t be narcissistic supply. It will be the kind you hate the most- BEING IGNORED and then attended to with no emotion and careless disregard. I’ll let you all know how it goes. I have already ignored an email and 2 blocked cell phone calls- unfortunately my cell suppresses the calls but allows messages and beeps when a message is left. Need a new phone and a new phone number.

    1. Josephine,

      Was I ever in your shoes two yrs ago! My plans were nearly identical to yours. But, it didn’t last past a few weeks. My anger subsided with his push of a renewed golden period & there I was, weakened and back in his clutches once more.

      Please heed HG’s advice, your ET (emotional thinking) WILL eventually take over & you just can’t let that happen.

      ET is like hell to fight—of course it is, we’re Empaths. But you MUST think logically & go NO CONTACT. Yes, you are right, it will drive him mad. But you can’t stick around to watch the blood explode from his eyes. Enjoy your revenge knowing that it IS happening & you’ve dealt the final blow, whether you’re around to see it or not.

      Please trust me on this one. I’ve been NC for 69 days and his vice grip is finally loosening. And he’s hoovered twice now. But I had to use logical thinking as HG explained and it’s working. (Damn, a Narcissist giving ME advice. WTF)

      Pay backs are hell and Karma is a bitch. Revenge is yours—but only if you lay down the gauntlet and WALK AWAY…..forever.

      1. Hi 69Revolver, thank you for your reply. Yeah, I know you’re right. Would you please stop being so smart and logical, dangit?? 😎 He already hoovered me, surprise surprise! He is just sooo gorgeous and musically talented- he plays drums and I sing and play a little bit of guitar. We were in a band together about 25 years ago.

        I can’t believe what I’ve seen and heard with him, since I wrote my little revenge rant- the things he does and says- gob smacking! I get over my bouts of revenge ET, just as you said, very quickly but the truth is that these guys are DEADLY to our psyche and a DISASTER in our lives.

        There is a circumstance coming where I am going to have to see him repeatedly for a few days so I will have to fortify myself somehow, to make it through. There is unfortunately, no avoiding it.

        SO glad you have gone NC for such a long time. Congratulations! I hope to grow up and be a big girl like you someday.

        Thanks again, J

    2. Sounds like he’s going to get a refinery of negative fuel from you. Positive or negative…doesn’t matter, it’s all fuel.

    3. Hi Josephine
      My name is patty. I just left a toxic abusive narcissist spouse for good. April 7th I feel your pain totally. I know exactly what your going through. I too have ignored mine blocked my spouse from calling. I totally agree with you let’s eff them up and play the mind games with them. You know as well as I do. They don’t like being ignored. Lmao. Would love to stay in contact to support each other if your cool with that. I have done the same blocked phone calls emails. You name it and as recent as today email.

      1. Hi Patty, it’s very kind of you and yes. I would like to stay in touch, thank you. I might not be terribly consistent because I have lost my center and I’m very scattered. I did again, get involved with my Narc but this time it has been very different. Still painful at times but mostly, as a means of observing myself and him. I have been watching tons of videos on NPD and I am putting into practice, many of the techniques suggested by those with experience. It’s a really good arena for me to learn how not to react to what he does. (by the way, he is not violent, in any way). I’m getting better and better at it while slowly pulling away. I can’t quite leave him 100% because he is stranded with no car and little income, due to a nasty traffic situation in which he was insanely intoxicated and hit someone on a motorcycle. Luckily the victim was not badly hurt but my Narc’s life has been utterly destroyed. Because of some of the things he has done to me, I should absolutely have NO contact whatsoever but I am Codependent. I am using this time to watch my codependency and learn how to change it. AND, I AM effing with him and enjoying it. He has the upper hand because he is 7 years younger than me, looks 20 years younger, VERY good looking and has cut me off sexually but he is also very vulnerable and I am taking advantage of that in very subtle ways. I know I am playing with fire and that is the reason that I am slowly making my exit. I also made a commitment to his landlord that I cannot get out of, to take care of her dog for a few days, while she and her husband are away. I have no choice but to be in the same house with him, off and on for a few days and it scares the crp out of me because I don’t know what kind of tricks he will pull. I pray that he is decent or just flattened enough that he will not try something terribly painful like bringing some woman home or some other kind of mind Fkng. He is going to AA and trying to get his life in order but still does things to extract emotion from me. It’s very difficult to handle but I truly believe that it is very good practice for me in life, in general. My last very long term relationship was with a man who is on the Aspbergers spectrum and therefore also severely lacking in empathy. I have only been with this Narc for going on 9 months but I have NEVER experienced anything like this before. He DOES try to torture me, emotionally. I think he knows that he can’t get away with the same stuff he did in the past but I know he is very bright and will find small ways to do it. My goal is to see him for what he is and not allow him to make me react to it. I can give him accolades and other types of Narc supply but I have been successful, on the phone and in short periods with him, in not allowing him to make me react. It feels GREAT. I’m still going to go through horrible feelings of loss, eventually and in fact, I am now, because I know that he can never be what I want, but I’m trying to learn from this and benefit from it. Sorry to write so long!! How is YOUR battle going? Have you stayed No Contact? I HOPE SO! If not, you can start again. Thanks again, Josephine.

    4. I would love to stay in contact with you!!! I want to see how it goes. I am dealing with the same thing right now!!!

    5. I’m in the midst of an abusive relationship with a major narcissist myself, but please, try not to let yourself down. It’s so tempting to react and try to make them feel how they make you feel – I know it, I’ve been there and I’ve done it – but ultimately, doesn’t it make you feel guilty and worse off? I’m still trying to help mine. I’m also trying to govern my own behaviour, which is really bloody difficult when all I get is abuse and I never know what’s coming next. I keep my fingers crossed all the time. Thing is, if they can manipulate you into behaving like them, they’re winning. Please don’t let them win: make a conscious decision, based upon YOUR feelings and how YOU feel comfortable treating other people. For them, it’s just another means of control. Lots of love and I hope you, and I, can find some peace. Xxx

      And yes – being ignored resonates massively. You’re absolutely justified in being pissed off and angry, surely that’s normal and an expected response. I’m hoping that in pointing out that you can choose how you respond, it might make me aware that I can choose how to respond to my one, too. Look, I’m majorly strung out because of my relationship with said narcissist, but I hope I’m on the path to happiness. Thank you for posting this as it’s good to share feelings, experiences, and know that I’m probably not “the mental one.” Thank you. I wish you lots of luck xxx

      1. Just an update that hopefully you all can benefit from. I stopped all contact with the alien, (these people are NOT human, I’m sorry HG), by hanging up the phone during one of his ridiculous rages, over a week ago. I ignored all texts and calls after that.

        Unfortunately, he had some of my gig equipment so I needed to contact him to collect it. I made sure to tell him I would come in the morning and then didn’t even bother to text him until the afternoon, then took my sweet time getting there. I did it via text and he agreed to open the garage upon my arrival at which time, I grabbed my equipment, never looked up, never saw him and drove away. OH AND BY THE WAY- just before I got there, he texts me- “I know this is a lot to ask but could you return my DVD’s for me at Albertsons”? He has to use Uber to get around and I knew he had already been to Albertsons that day so I said, “you’ve already been there today so, no”.

        All the texts up to that point had been matter of fact until one night I got a bit drunk and felt the insane need to tell him, (via text), that I don’t think he’s a bad person, blah blah blah… mistake, GAG ME. But I moved ahead with no more texts.

        He saw me somewhere a few nights ago and texted me 1/2 hour after I left to say he saw me. I did not reply. He texted me again to explain that he didn’t bother me because he knew I didn’t want to see him but he wanted to introduce me to his friend visiting from Florida. REALLY? I did not reply. Then he called, I did not answer and he did not leave a message, then he texted Oh, I guess I’m blocked. I did not reply. So he sends me a FB Messenger. It shows up on the front of my phone screen so I can’t make a call or text anyone until I move it and when I do, voila, it opens the message. DRAT. So, I provide a short, matter of fact answer and then, he does it again. THIS TIME, I went to my computer where I can access Messenger without actually opening it. BUT, I decided to open it and not answer. THEN I unfriended him.

        The next day he texted, “Am I blocked”? Again I did not answer. I suddenly realized that I was SO OVER him!! I had had time to reflect on what he’d done and who he really was and my attraction has just plain gone away. I still feel the sting of being so badly manipulated and gaslighted and all the awful, covert and even overt torture he put me through but my basic problem in the past had been my desire for him AND the fact that he is without a car, money, etc, so I felt sorry for him. HOW SAD IS THAT?

        Well, he resorted to email. Sent me a sentimental and somewhat conciliatory email in which he apologized and said that because of AA, he’s “really starting to get it”.. and other stuff. I sent a simple reply of, “Best of Luck”! Now I shall block his emails. I just realized that I’m smiling. SO TAKE HEART GIRLS AND GUYS! I was absolutely head over heals for this guy for a long time but now, he just looks like a child- small and frankly pathetic. On to bigger and better things! And I highly recommend watching the Youtube videos out there just for long enough to get support and validation. Then, jump ship and MOVE ON with A GOOD LIFE!!

      2. Louise, I’m not sure if you were responding to me or someone else but thank you for sharing your story and struggle and for your wise and encouraging words. We’re all in this together and of late, I’m making great strides. I have the luxury of not being married to the beast so, painful as it was, (and still is at times), have disconnected and I’m getting better every day. He sent me a Youtube video song- with alternatively offensive and desirous lyrics- made sure that he sent me the version with the lyrics on the screen.. and while I contemplated responding, I DID NOT. I have him blocked but my phone stores blocked messages and because I am stupid as hell, I CHECK the blocked messages! For God’s sake.. but anyway, I did not respond AND I took GREAT GLEE in not responding. Still on a bit of a high from it, today, while moving forward with MY life, MY desires, MY need and MY goals! Hope you’re doing well.

    6. How did it go with your Narcissist?
      I’ve been with my N for almost 2 yrs. He was wonderful in the beginning and now I see his ugly side. Recently we made plans for me to go to his house after my son’s ballgame. I tried calling him before I was on my way because he had another Service call across town. He’s an electrician. He ignored my calls, ignored me texts. He finally answered at 11pm. He reply to not taking my calls was because he was “BUSY”! This caused me to FUME UP!!! He “decided” he wanted alone time with his bratty daughter. She’s 14 and now how positive issues with her father. I’m an empath and tries to think of fun family things for us to do while his daughter is with us. I do love him and we’re fine as long as I ignore his ill behavior. I told him I deserved better. We hung up angry… Meother one of us called back. I never heard from him all day yesterday or today. I want to call him to ask if if I really meant anything to him.. I won’t call today since his daughter is still there. I think she prefers him to be single and a hermit crab.

      So please tell me how things worked out for you.

  11. If I’m completely emotionless to him, positive or negative, will he just go away eventually? He’s dead to me. I forgive him, but I care less. I have nothing to say and no emotion left. It drives him insane and I just keep hoping he’ll just go find someone else because I feed him NO fuel. My tanks BONE DRY…….

    1. Adopting that position is certainly advantageous but it presupposes you having some interaction. You are far better served ensuring you never had any form of interaction with the relevant narcissist at all, because if you do have an interaction, not only is it very difficult for you to try not to provide an emotional reaction and thus fuel, but you are also risking feeding your emotional thinking further.

      1. Thank you, I appreciate your response. I will have to set up a consultation with you. Its all just real complicated. It’s just so unfair all of it….I really try not to fall into pity parties for myself but truly…. Pity on ya’ll too for having such evil hearts too and that whatever happened to you all to make you this way is eating you up so bad you have to ruin the lives of others…ill pray for you all….but I’m truly grateful you’re doing what you’re doing HG….ive found amazing amount of peace since finding your stuff and finally know it’s NOT me after all this time.

      2. You are welcome and you will find a consultation of considerable assistance.

      3. Truth. I just experienced again . . . having a high IQ is no defense. Tis my own emotions that are my worst enemy.

      4. I personally find the concept of ‘fair’ very limiting and useless, in the sense that ‘it’s not fair, what I’m going through’. It is what it is. Life doesn’t owe us anything, even if we are good and honourable people.

        Pity parties are an expression of learned helplessness… And the idea that good will be rewarded and bad will be punished is no more than magical thinking – life simply doesn’t work that way, and there is no imperative for it to work that way either.

        Acceptance of this fact is incredibly liberating.

    2. Took the words right out of my mouth…..4 yrs with mine…no reply to him since Aug..but he still text…. I get satisfaction out of not replying

    3. Wow. That’s exactly how I feel. When I can think, I seem to think and view myself metaphorically: like a sculpture that has been chipped away at until there’s barely anything left. I can see what’s left in my head; a basic spinal structure, the bits left hanging are a mess. Do you think these perpetrators could ever acknowledge the immensity of feeling they conjure in others? And how much they put them through? Why are we all in this situation? We are not obligated. They aren’t our children, they’re supposed to provide mutual support, or, at very least, nothing at all. I have no idea why some people delight in other’s misery and create problems for sport. Utterly tragic.

      And yes, keep the tank dry. Thing is, he doesn’t care about you, as much as my version doesn’t care about me – he doesn’t respect or love me, and when I finally walk, I’ll be replaced within an instant. I’ll stay single for another eight years… lots of luck and love, it’s really good to share these thoughts with people who get it. Xxx

  12. I must have phrased my question incorrectly. Was there any difficulty in accepting NPD as who you are at a personality level or was it just a label for something you had always had a sense of. And Yes he has actually claimed a cure for NPD that centers around the principals You mentioned. Do You buy that?

  13. I left 9 months ago moved 4 hours away,he is on meth and homeless so stays away but although given an order of protection he has phone visitation with our 5 yr old and uses it to get to me. He picked up a new woman with 2 small babies 2 and 4 and they live in a tent and his Durango in the desert homeless. He tells my son he’s coming for soncho and is going to beat any guy up that I let around him, and has the two kids calling him daddy for my son who can’t see him or be around him to hear. I blocked his calls as of the 13th I don’t care if he has court ordered phone visits he’s strung out I doubt he will take me to court. Even though I’ve blocked him and removed all contact I still can’t get him out of my head what I could gave done to make it work . Even sober he treated me terrible but somehow I miss him somehow I want him back it’s sick I know but I can’t stop . I need help 😔

    1. Good start with blocking him and also adopting the stance regarding the phone visits, you need to look to your own defences (and those of your children) and you are correct, if he does not like it he can always return it to court but it may be unlikely he would do so for the reasons you have explained. In terms of tackling your addiction which is manifesting in wanting him back, this can be addressed. You should organise a consultation with me and I will set out what steps you can take to achieve this and move forward.

  14. I have been married for 12 years to him. I didn’t start to get bad until our house fire he blamed me for it that was 7 years ago. He had some controlling tendency before that but after the fire everything got worse. He took control over all the money took my name off of everything nothing was ever good enough still isn’t good enough house is never clean enough Foods never good enough. He would always tell me that he got the short end of the stick cuz I gain weight after kids nobody will ever want me nobody love me like he does and then was in the last probably two years things start getting really bad he started forcing me to have sex with him he start paying me for sex or at least trying to he would always say well how much do you need for money cuz I would ask him to help me out cuz I needed to pay some bills. And now lately I have found cameras all over house and just last week I found one it was they seen the couch that I sleep on cuz I stopped sleeping in the same bed as him and I asked him about it and he said it was so that he could watch me sleep I need to get out and I need help. I have no money and yes I work but it is part time and that pretty much pays for my car payment and whatever our two kids need.

    1. This might sound wrong but my thought is my thought and I would not only take his payment for services rendered but up it, possibly double it. Then when I’d have enough to leave, I’d be gone and laughing cause hed payed for my freedom and sanity. How bad he would feel when he realized that I had turned things around with his money.
      As I said , this is where I am in my life , my pain has gone. I Dont know if you can see the funny side. ….Love yourself and find freedom.

  15. HG, seriously, High five Sir. I am so grateful for your audio’s and writings. You came into my life just as I needed confirmation that I was in fact not off with fairies and I needed to remove myself and especially my children from the toxic environment we found ourselves in. 6 years of absolute belittling and mind games finally took it’s toll. So Thank you HG from Myself and my daughters. You might be a turd to others but to us I’d much rather read your writings than that of the bible – so keep preaching… I haven’t come across one thing I disagree with, you are all over it like a fat kid on a cupcake. So keep it coming cupcake.

    1. Turd? Fat kid? Cupcake? Good job the rest of your comment was so complimentary, a narcissist could be offended! You are welcome and do keep reading and listening and spread the word.

      1. Lol Sorry HG, was not meant to be offensive. Good ol’ Australian humour.
        May I please add to others reading this – after leaving, it doesn’t end, as HG states in a lot of his writings. Even if you go no contact – the after math of being “conditioned” for so long is the most hardest to “get over”. It’s the realisation that the whole marriage was an act/sham – that’s what hurts the most. Attempting to get your emotional thoughts and reactions to subside or under control at least and get back to logical thinking is what is the hardest. You literally need to retrain the wiring in your brain. Be kind to yourself. ❤️

    2. I think my reply was dumped into neverland.. (ERROR)… forgive me if it’s a duplicate!

      Just had to say: I loved your comment ❤ The ‘talking to the faeries’ bit was a line I used with my narc.
      Anyhoo… Welcome aboard! HG is great. The people here are wonderful. Lots of insight!

  16. I just ordered No Contact off Amazon. The book will arrive in 2 days. But once the order was finalized, Amazon offered the first chapter opened to me…to get me started reading right away.
    Very interesting. But after eagerly reading the first chapter…. my gut intuition is on fire! Why am I hurting and feeling nausea? I feel like reading this book will keep my abuser in the front of my mind, which how he wants it, and how he’s planned it all along. Could reading this book enable one narcissist to help another? Why do I get the feeling I just fed HG the exact thing HG wants?
    It is a vicious circle. I need the information, HG needs the attention, and all the while, my abuser is benefitting as well.
    It’s pure evil, another compliment to HG and my abuser. I thank you for your help, now thank me for my contribution of somehow feeding your ego, while feeding all narcissistic egos everywhere.
    Wendy

    1. No, the book does not enable one narcissist to help another. I have no interest in helping other narcissists, I owe them no loyalty. It is inevitable that you will think about your narcissist when reading my work (or anybody’s work) concerning this subject but you are going to think about your narcissist anyway, you are far better served having it happen when you are engaging with my work. The only way to move forward is to experience some pain and some consideration of the narcissist, that is linked to the subject matter but this information will prove far more effective than anything else and therefore it is a price worth paying. With chemotherapy, there are unpleasant side effects, but it is still necessary to endure them to conquer the cancer. This is similar. It is nothing to do with feeding my ego.

      1. HG,
        As someone who is intimate with the mind of a covert cerebral narcissist I have to ask: How is this not feeding your ego? You have no real motivation to want to actually help anyone, especially since narcissists are, by default of their disorder, lacking in empathy, emotionally shallow, and pathological liars.
        BTW, I’m not being disparaging or negative, as best I can tell you are absolutely correct in everything I have read thus far, and I actually applaud what you are doing, but as somebody who finds narcissists fascinating I am genuinely curious.

      2. “With chemotherapy, there are unpleasant side effects, but it is still necessary to endure them to conquer the cancer.” – HG Tudor

        Excellent analogy… response in general.

        The comments here are warming my heart, seeing how many people are being helped.

        (Aww… Even from afar, you know that’s fuel for an empath. 🍗🍉🍏🍨 ➡❤
        Feeds my hungry heart.)

      3. Ok I realize I’m a Codependent, but I don’t get it. HGsays he doesn’t really get supply from this, but even if he did I would have zero problem with that. At the end of the day, he has information we need. If supply is his currency, what’s wrong with that ? As long as he’s not abusive and he isn’t.

        I mean the guy hasn’t chosen to be this way. It was thrust upon him from early childhood trauma. He knows nothing different. As long as you aren’t in an intimate relationship with him, he’s likely to pleasant to be around. It’s his nearest and dearest he’s awful to.

        So if it were supply he was seeking from this what’s wrong with that ? He gets something he needs I get something I need.

      4. Lori

        Thats how I see it. I involuntarily fuelled others in my life with no benefit to me whatsoever and they were abusive. Why would I turn down the valuable information here that has given me answers if the cost is a few remote and watered down fumes? I believe doing this benefits him in many ways but that is not chief among them. I am most amused when someone charges him with that but is still engaged with a narcissist in their private life, or fawn all over celebrities who are likely narcissists and to whom they gladly fork over big dollars for movies and concert tickets to pad their wallets and fuel them for mere entertainment rather than possibly life changing information.

        I get both education and entertainment here.

      5. Narc Angel

        Boom! We are a lot alike. I find this mutually beneficial.

        I too crack up at people accusing him of this which may or may not be true yet continue to engage.

        We learn more about his kind. He learns about our kind. I got zero problem with him. I am well read on Narcissism and I learn something new here everyday. The perspective of a Narc is completely different from that of a therapist. Therapists tend to give you clinical information. HG gives you the lay terms and practical perspective as to how all of these clinical concepts play out in real situations

  17. Narc sees no wrong in himself and his behaviour .. so how can you anaylaze yourself to be one ?

    1. How do we fight the addiction? And how can we tell the difference between a narcissist or him just being a 23 year old asshole?

  18. We had another big fight. He had been lying. Again. So I told him he had to leave. He didn’t beg dramatically this time. By the end of the day he was living with another woman. I had no idea she even existed…and he knew her well enough to move in. I was floored. But then he went to jail. Prison. And I accepted his calls for awhile. One day I told him he could still call me but I needed him to back off a little because he was doing it way too much. I guess he was wounded because the calls stopped completely. I didn’t hear from him for 3 years. It was great. I healed. Met someone wonderful. Got married. Started a family. Then hoover attempts started. About a year before he was released he began trying to hunt me down through mutual acquaintances on social media. I politely declined these invitations. Now he’s out and sniffing around town asking about me. I have a whole new life and have blocked him from every aspect. He disgusts me and I wish he would just disappear for good.

  19. I was married to a narcissist for 23 years , the divorce was beyond hell , my lawyers actually told me he was trying to get me so slow mentally that I would kill myself so he could have the kids an me out of there lives. Who does that ? Both my daughters moved out but my son 22 is still living with him an is at times suicidal because he can’t handle my X . How do I encourage him to get out? My X has told him if he leaves or especially we’re to move in with me ( his mom) don’t ever come back . Need some advice on getting him out of this. Sincerely beach girl

  20. How do i get my 16yr old daughter away from from my ex-brother in law who she thinks the world of and he a gas lighting narcissist who is turning her against her family

  21. Seems all these people are men as a rule but let me ASSURE you all. There are women who are far worse. My entire 7+ year relationship was based on lies and hidden things. Now she’s going to counceling and claiming I’m ABUSIVE! Lies and excuses are all you’ll ever get from these manipulative sad people.

    1. GregK,

      Women can seem far worse. The only narc I know of that actually induced someone to commit suicide was a woman.

      There is also the gender bias that keeps them from being recognized as such. The ratio seems to put men in the majority. It may be that male children are more often treated in the way that causes narcissism to come to fruition. However, it does not lessen the fact that you were victimized by a narcissist, whether male or female.

      I would guess you are here because you searched specific behaviors, so you are fairly certain that you are involved with a narc.

      You may wish to get counseling yourself if you can find a professional that has experience with NPD or treating victims of Narcs. They may specialize in PTSD. Sharing you experiences on this board is also helpful. I’d like to point out that most of us are anonymized. You may also wish to do that in posting here, but it’s obviously not required. I suggest it, because it may help you be freer in sharing.

      You are not the only man here, if it helps you to feel like you have company.

      Personally I would like to hear more of a mans take on a relationship with a narc. But I hope you came here to help yourself. When you read or listen, just picture the narc you know as the narc being discussed.
      It is indeed going to be mind boggling, but read the articles here. This is an education on something you would never think you would or should have to learn.

      Are you No Contact now?

      The first important tools to pick up here and use are Get Out Stay Out, and No Contact.

      If you are married, have children, or otherwise obligated to have some contact with your N, this will be harder.

      If not, start immediately. All the information is here and searchable.

      Talk to ya later,
      Perse

      1. How about incremental legal action and charges as a recourse? Is this breaking No Contact? The hunt and harrassment on us has not stopped for 4 years. I am at wits end. Isnt the law the only deterrent authority over these predators?

      2. what do you mean? Isn’t pursuing a legal battle an inevitable Contact? Let me be more specific. If I have maintained no contact for 4 years, will starting legal action now in the form of getting an Apprehended Violence Order or a Protection Order (whatever you want to call it in different jurisdictions), breaking my No Contact? I have not responded to any hoover or made any form of contact even though Narc still harasses me through dud accounts such as defunct email addresses and social media accounts. HG can you enlighten or clarify?

      3. Commencing a legal action would break your no contact, because you would be spending time addressing the narcissist’s behaviour (so it is a conscious decision rather than a short intrusive thought which pops up, such an intrusive thought not being a breach of no contact if promptly rejected and not mulled over and given “legs”), you would be thinking further about the narcissist and you may actually have some interaction through court. That stated it is a necessary one to obtain the order and if you will is a minor breach to then create a stronger no contact thereafter. In addition, one could manage it in a way to make the breach even less so by hiring a lawyer, not engaging in any way with the narcissist, not looking at or talking to the narcissist at the court hearing etc.

    2. GregK, I concur with you. I have been around all my life – from family members, to frenemies, to toxic workmates to intimate partners, and I can assure you…looking back, the ones who damaged me the most…are the females.

      Not that the male Narc damaged me less, but the ‘quality of damage’ from the females, both frenemies and family members was just out of this world….and yes, I almost committed suicide because of it.

    3. Our daughter was being cyber bullied and at school. Instead of getting him to support me in dealing with this he argued an told me I was f…in the head. I finally went to the Dr, got Valium and he referred me for counciling. I was a wreck and burnt out.I spent 2 weeks in a mental health ward thinking that he was looking after things and getting help and support for our daughter……but unknown to me at the time, and using his mask was saying that I was paranoid, delusional, psychotic. And I was diagnosed as borderline personality disorder. I can now look back and see what he did . I can’t be BPD. In other words he chucked me into a but house, the DR’s missed him being a narc and thought I was suicidal . never had I self harmed. Took me years to work it all out but that’s when I started to see and started to get me back. I’m healed now. But the hospital stay keeps chasing me. Its like the devil popping his head up every now and then

  22. Dear God everyone, if you are with a narc, leave…..don’t walk…..RUN!

    Stop trying to figure out the ‘whys,’ just get OUT. The only thing that will change is YOU. You will end up with PTSD, depressed and drugged-up with so many pills you can’t form a sentence.

    Don’t look back, not even a peek. These people will eat your heart for breakfast, your liver for lunch and your brain for dinner. AND, then look around for dessert as you lay there all laid out in a bloody stupor.

    If you are not married to one—just start running. If you are married to one, you better listen to HG, read everything, hear his videos……..this man is telling you the truth, he’s giving it to you straight. This stuff is no joke.

    I had myself well prepared beforehand, I had already slowly siphoned off a considerable amount of money without him noticing (as he counts his pennies like they are gold bars and scans the credit card bills looking for who knows what) and then before he could blink I went down and drained the joint checking account of near about everything (I walked away with a small fortune), I left him enough for it to be a good slap in his face. I also called and cancelled all joint credit cards, no more charging for him and pinning it on me. Changed every single password I had to something so totally random and unrelated to me. I already had a lawyer lined-up and was ready for him.

    As HG says, it’s battle. Get your armor on, these freaks will turn real mean and quick.

    1. One reason they said I was BPD is because I was still with him. My priority was my daughter at that time. But then we were told to get marriage councilling or they would take our son away, 14 at the time.that’s when he said that he Dont love me anymore cause I’m not pretty anymore.

  23. Hello again.
    It is wierd to me asking questions or conculting you on something about our relationship and telling our stories you.
    I had been in a narcissistic relation for 1 year. He used to be living in my house ( we were living together). 5 days ago i told him to seperate all of a sudden. He left the house with anger. After 4 hours later he called me. I didnt answer. He got more angry. Then i picked up the phone. He was crying and asking me if i ever loved him or not. The other day, we texted eachother. He was teasing and blaming on me on the messeges.
    Anyway, then he stop calling and texting me. At the beggining i was going ok with “no contact” rule. Later on i couldnt resist his silent mode. I broke no contact rule.
    In his messeges he leaves the door half open, besides telling me how much i broke his pride and heart.
    When he is in silent mode, i feel like i miss him and going back to him. Actually i want to go back to him because i didnt feel that much unhappy. If i am back to him, do you think he forgives all these happenings and come to me.
    Or should i just wait him to call me ( well, do you think he will call me although he is very silent)? What do you think?
    Thanks.

    1. I want to give you a detail which may be important.
      At the end of september (2017), i told him i wanted to be alone for a while. He hoovered me with being very nice. In the middle of october, i told him that he needed to move his own house because of my father’s visitation. He did and came back. He was irritated ofcourse, because he felt very bad due to the situation. He started to behave me like a shit. We were just fighting all day long. I couldnt bare and i told him to leave the house. When i said this to him, he attacked me and threatened me. Then, we were ok. 5 days ago, i told him to break up.
      Now, i want him to call me because i am very unhappy without him. His ego and pride were very broken as he said on his messages. At the same time, he leaves the door half open to continuou the relation.
      What do you advice ?

      1. GOSO – if you want to resolve this matter then I recommend you organise a consultation with me.

  24. I have just left my husband who is a narc. We were together 5 yr and only got married in February. I was fed up of being accused of things that wasn’t true and then found out it was him doing most of them and constantly lying to me. After confronting him about his lies he wouldn’t speak to me and went into separate room for 2 weeks. Enough is enough so I left. I am now in womens refuge as he hid all the money so was unable to start again. He still contacts me with mixed msgs most still blaming me and accusing me. It’s so hard how do I stop this and manage to move on ?

    1. Enough is enough so I left. I am now in womens refuge as he hid all the money so was unable to start again

      ^ Bravo, excellent start. brave and painful. so is not escaping. this pain ends. do consult and continue to read. my path is similar. stay the course. strength in numbers. #metoo

      1. The “other”, I won’t mention his name lest I cause a narc injury, says that in order to attain self-awareness a narc would have to experience a “dark night of the soul”. Would you agree?

      2. I am already aware of what I am.

        However, it is a repeated suggestion that deconstruction in an stable manner, accompanied by reconstruction around what emerges form the shadows is apparently a method of trying to alter the narcissist.

  25. I have encountered a mid range narc. This is the second time he left, when he feels like the relationship is getting too stressful for him after repeated arguments.
    He will not answer texts or calls.
    I don’t know if he will return it’s been a month. It’s crazy because we live close and will likely have to see each other at some point and time and I will probably not speak.
    Last time he returned 3 months later. I can not believe he did this again. I know I was his primary source, I just do not understand.

    1. The not knowing whether he will return is part of the purpose to keep you bewildered, stuck, under control and providing fuel. You are either being disengaged from and then he ping pong backs to you or you remain in devaluation and these are lengthy absent silent treatments. If you want to understand what is happening, I can assist you with that through the provision of further information via a consultation.

      1. I cannot make this stick to the right post so I will shove it here. How do you know you do not love HG? How do you know it’s mimicry. I ask because your self assured no love, never loved stance makes me wonder. How do we know what feelings are real?

      2. Because what I experience is completely different to the way others describe love.
        I know it is mimicry because that is what I do.

      3. Wow a narc has actually wrote a book on it okay so what is the wrong information out there that annoys you

    2. Omg you seem to have a similar one to me, he left me 8 times and each time begged to come back after 2 months, I am rid of him now as I started to confront him and he didn’t like that I’d sussed him out, took 5 years though! He now lives up the road from me, I would never give him the time of day again, xx

  26. Do you have an article on the IPSS and his/her escape/post-escape and the hoover process that follows? What happens when the IPSS escapes? What kind of hoover happens? The narc does not have a girlfriend yet but does have many female friends (virtual and I guess in real life, too). He kept in touch with me a lot during his break up and he moved a lot and kept contacting me through that. Was I a primary source in this case then? Or an IPSS? There was flirting back and forth and it felt like he was assessing my past experiences, opinions, and such when it came to conversations of relationship subjects. But there was a lot of hot and cold behavior and I finally had enough and escaped and he said that he hopes that we can be friends but said that we were always friends.

  27. Why did you decide to write this book? If you are a narc then I am curious why you would be concerned about helping others. If the book is only written to feed your narc self then how could it be written in a way that would assist others?

    im curious and perplexed

    1. I wrote it because I find the inaccuracies written about us irritating – there is a lot of incorrect information out there. Further, it appeals to my sense of omnipotence and my sense of humour to weaponise empaths to go into battle versus my kind. Who better than a wrong doer to tell you that you have been doing wrong?

      1. A narc doesnt realise they do anything wrong as dont learn from there mistakes as they dont accept responsibility for there actions.. Woman on here are saying they still living in the same house. Why woudnt you give refuge information or encouragment if you are a wrong doer yourself.. As per narc its all for your needs and not others

      2. Marie Brooks

        Narcissists don’t make mistakes. They are wired to acquire fuel and most are very efficient at it. They didn’t do anything wrong from their perspective so they can’t “learn” (accept culpability) from their adverse behavior because in their world they are never at fault.

  28. Dear HG,

    What a revelation and education this has been for me. I started listening to your audios on YouTube two days ago and ever since, they have been haunting me.
    Having a psychology background myself, I am aware of the core traits of a narc and to be honest, it scared me as I could relate and identify those traits within myself. I have always considered myself to be empathic and was not cognisant of the various levels associated within the empathic spectrum. This is truly an enlightening experience

  29. I can handle and outmaneuver the manipulations from him. I need the drug that numbs the heart/mind trauma bond & to outmaneuver myself. I think the answer is on a beach somewhere, disguised as a little umbrella drink, with no cell phone, laptop or social media connections for about a month. Or maybe in the mountains, same lack of internet access. Something, ANYTHING, to make me stop thinking about him. Divorce is final in 55 days & counting!!!! (No kids together, thankfully)

      1. Do you genuinely love anyone in your life? Is there anything in your life that made you the way you are? Do you ever get curious or jealous of people with “real emotions” ? Do you ever wonder what it would be like to be in love?

      2. 1. No.
        2. Yes.
        3. I have real emotions too, just not as many as other people.
        4. I have wondered, yes.

      3. HG…which book is best for moving on after the abuse? Crazy thing is…I don’t want him but I’m soooo hurt that he isn’t chasing me or begging me back. I hear so many victims say that their narc begs them back. Mine doesn’t so I stay a little obsessed over this. What book can I read to help with this prob.
        Thx in advance
        Katie

      4. Hello Katie, I recommend you read No Contact, Exorcism and Black Hole. There are further publications in writing which address the aftermath too. You may wish to consider a consultation with me as this will be of considerable assistance too.

      5. Hi Katie,
        I dont know if this will help but: it’s horrible. downright scary at times. You aren’t missing anything. As empathic people, we tend to see all sides.. it’s difficult not to wonder, but its no better over here in my shoes. The narcissistic relationship is difficult in all roles.

    1. I just came across this, I’m now dealing with this situation, help, the trauma in my head & heart, always on my mind, I seriously need someone’s help… tried to order book & can’t?

      1. Just FYI, the links to the 50 Black Flags Book on the site don’t hyperlink to Amazon. I was able to find it via your Author’s page and purchased the ebook.

    2. It has been 3 years, 2 months & 5 days since i was able to get him physically out of the house. I am still not divorced. He stalls and blocks every time. He has turned one daughter against me. He manipulates the 2 youngest who still have to visit him per court order. It is exhausting & I do not see an end in sight…

      1. Hello Linda,
        Your case sounds complicated and risky when children are involved.
        It is good that you have succeeded with not having him physically around you. It is difficult to know exactly your situation but you sound tired and almost defeated.

        It is very important that you first pinpoint which type ( school) of narcissist he is. This can you do more precisely with an e-mail/audio consultation. It worked for me. In this way you will get a safe bet by knowing what his next move could be so you can counteract it and neutralise the manipulations on you and your children. They are always one step ahead but if you know the different scenarios you can face in the future, you will be more equipped to face them knowing what options you have.
        I hope you have a good lawyer as well.

      2. Superxena, I am worn down. I am tired. I do have a good lawyer who has been a huge blessing to me. My ex has attempted to get alimony despite the fact that I was providing for our 3 children still at home. He lost. Appealed. Had a “panic attack” right before the appeal hearing and withdrew. There is so much…… and i see no end. He will not allow the divorce to be finalized. Despite repeated requests. When I am close to ending it despite his lack of response, he blocks it days before I can finally end this. I knew what I was in for if I tried to divorce. I tried so hard to hang in there till my youngest was an adult. But I just was done with his last disrespect of my last boundary. I was just done. & now I continue to pay. I have heard him referred to as manipulative & co-dependant.

      3. Linda,
        I understand what you mean and I feel for you.

        Asking for alimony was outrageous. It is good that you have a good lawyer.
        My knowledge on this matters is limited. I am just trying to give you some support and I hope it helps you. It is frustrating to read about your situation specially when children are involved.

        I think you are in desperate need of effective strategies in this war you are with your ex.

        If I were you, I would make use of the valuable resource given here (have you considered a consultation?).It is the only way of getting the exact effective strategical moves you need coming from the mind of a narcissist. For you ex this is all like a “chess game ” and you have a (the?) master chess player here…
        You can win this war..

        Do not wait in doing what you need before you get more exhausted and eroded.

        It seems to me that that is exactly what your ex wants: to defeat you by exhaustion.

        Do not let him do that to you.

        Do not wait any longer for your sake and your children’s sake. They deserve a healthy mother and you owe yourself that: to have the energy to love yourself again.

      4. Linda,
        as I understand it: the narc will drag out court cases as long as possible. My ex is attempting the same (tho our situations are different. Mine is DV and it’s been nothing but continuance) I hope you find some relief soon.

        SuperXena,
        Were you able to discern your type through consultations? Mine seems like a mixture. I can’t pinpoint him (or even me) TIA

      5. Hello Jasmine,
        Absolutely, actually it is the only way of knowing for sure what type of narcissist you are dealing with and what type of empath you are.
        I strongly recommend it!

      6. Lol SuperXena. I figured it out… I make oodles of typos. Stupid spell check makes up words.

        Have you tried both types of communication? I’m not certain which will be most beneficial. I have an endless pool of questions (some of which I’ve figured out reading the blog) but my main concern is moving forward.. identifying myself, and how to avoid this happening again in the future.

      7. Hello Jasmine,
        I guess the best person to address this question to is HG.
        But I will certainly tell you how it worked for me if that helps you:
        I started by reading the books, following , reading and participating on this site .
        First, I made use of e-mail consultations getting specific tailored answers to my “case” both in terms of which school of narcissist I was dealing with and which type of empath I am.

        That way I could pinpoint more specific questions . I then decided to make use of audio consultations with the advantage that I got immediate answers to further questions that came up during the conversations.

        I must say that the combination of both:e-mail and audio consultations is the most effective way to go.

        I hope my feedback helps you.
        Best wishes!

      8. Thank you SuperXena. I appreciate the thoughtful reply. Unfortunately my email program decided yesterday was a good day to send most of my mail to the spam folder. (I have found it all now and am playing catch up.) I went ahead and booked a consult… we shall see how it goes. Wish me luck!

  30. Does the book Escape deal with just the partner leaving or does it actually help in a legal sense? I have been doing this for a few years and he is almost like you – he is a narcissistic sociopath and has a nice little facade built up, destroying the children while looking like a charmer.

      1. LAW. I’ve been married to it for 24 years. I am almost dead.
        How about a spouse for a narcissist and a COP.
        Do you have any idea what he has done to me?
        I have been abandoned by EVERYONE because he is the “law” and his “truth” prevails.
        God help me.

      2. HG Tudor, what’s the difference between the books for those of us not located in any of the 4 regions:US/UK/AUS/CAN.

        I am just trying to figure out which of the 4 options to order without problems…

      3. Hello NP, all of my books can be ordered through any Amazon “jurisdiction” so this means the US, UK, Canada, Mexico, Brazil, Spain, France, Italy, the Netherlands, Germany, Japan, India and Australia. The majority of readers live in US,UK,Can, Aus and therefore that is why I place those links there.

  31. I moved in with him before I knew. There are things worse than someone hitting you, or as bad as anyways. I am trying to leave and we are now in separate bedrooms. Somehow this is all my fault, I disrespected HIM. Ha! I feel almost broken, but somehow, I must survive. He charges me so much, that saving is near impossible. He has said many times that I am his drug and I belong to him. I know what addiction is. What can I expect next? I am scared and worried.

    1. OMG…my husband says the same thing about me. He claims that I’ve cheated on him. And even though we’ve lived separate for over a year, cheating is and still is the furthest thing from my mind. Which means……Obviously. who’s the one CHEATING. Now he’s smearing my name to all of our friends who no longer talk to me because they believe his lies. Have not spoken to him in over a month. ABANDONMENT…. He has broken my spirit

      1. My nex always said the same about me. I believe him now. He’s an addicted obsessed stalker ex. I only wish for a cure.

    2. Go to a battered women’s shelter!!! If he has any weapons in the house get him arrested for illegal weapons and while he’s locked up overnight, make your escape to a shelter….

    3. Leave and never look back! Move to a different city! Seriously. Make sure he doesn’t know where you are.
      I just got out of a relationship with a narcissist..again….didn’t last long this time…I learned from past mistakes…it was/is bad….he’s attacking my support system now…court involved and everything. He’s using his therapists as a shield now also to attack my counselor to damage me some more…I have no option to move right now I’m stuck with him in one courtyard…

      1. Did you move? HG, how many Hoover’s until he gives up? I’m afraid you r going to say never . . . I bought a one way ticket home. I want a life.

      2. You cannot state he will give up in x number of hoovers. What you can state is that the more robust the no contact regime the far lower the risk of hoovers occurring which will in effect feel like the narcissist has given up, even though (as always subject to the Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria) we do not give up.

      3. I moved to another state. Completely away from him. Close to my children again that he tried to isolate me from. However I had to give up where I am staying my address for attorney purposes for divorce papers. Should I be worried.

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