Escape : How to Beat the Narcissist


The inside track from the dark-hearted master

Includes techniques to counter the narcissist where No Contact is not an option

US   E-Book Here

UK   E-Book Here

AUS   E-Book Here

CAN   E-Book Here


Also available in paperback


250 thoughts on “Escape : How to Beat the Narcissist”

  1. I moved in with him before I knew. There are things worse than someone hitting you, or as bad as anyways. I am trying to leave and we are now in separate bedrooms. Somehow this is all my fault, I disrespected HIM. Ha! I feel almost broken, but somehow, I must survive. He charges me so much, that saving is near impossible. He has said many times that I am his drug and I belong to him. I know what addiction is. What can I expect next? I am scared and worried.

    1. OMG…my husband says the same thing about me. He claims that I’ve cheated on him. And even though we’ve lived separate for over a year, cheating is and still is the furthest thing from my mind. Which means……Obviously. who’s the one CHEATING. Now he’s smearing my name to all of our friends who no longer talk to me because they believe his lies. Have not spoken to him in over a month. ABANDONMENT…. He has broken my spirit

      1. My nex always said the same about me. I believe him now. He’s an addicted obsessed stalker ex. I only wish for a cure.

    2. Go to a battered women’s shelter!!! If he has any weapons in the house get him arrested for illegal weapons and while he’s locked up overnight, make your escape to a shelter….

  2. Does the book Escape deal with just the partner leaving or does it actually help in a legal sense? I have been doing this for a few years and he is almost like you – he is a narcissistic sociopath and has a nice little facade built up, destroying the children while looking like a charmer.

      1. LAW. I’ve been married to it for 24 years. I am almost dead.
        How about a spouse for a narcissist and a COP.
        Do you have any idea what he has done to me?
        I have been abandoned by EVERYONE because he is the “law” and his “truth” prevails.
        God help me.

      2. HG Tudor, what’s the difference between the books for those of us not located in any of the 4 regions:US/UK/AUS/CAN.

        I am just trying to figure out which of the 4 options to order without problems…

      3. Hello NP, all of my books can be ordered through any Amazon “jurisdiction” so this means the US, UK, Canada, Mexico, Brazil, Spain, France, Italy, the Netherlands, Germany, Japan, India and Australia. The majority of readers live in US,UK,Can, Aus and therefore that is why I place those links there.

  3. I can handle and outmaneuver the manipulations from him. I need the drug that numbs the heart/mind trauma bond & to outmaneuver myself. I think the answer is on a beach somewhere, disguised as a little umbrella drink, with no cell phone, laptop or social media connections for about a month. Or maybe in the mountains, same lack of internet access. Something, ANYTHING, to make me stop thinking about him. Divorce is final in 55 days & counting!!!! (No kids together, thankfully)

      1. Do you genuinely love anyone in your life? Is there anything in your life that made you the way you are? Do you ever get curious or jealous of people with “real emotions” ? Do you ever wonder what it would be like to be in love?

      2. 1. No.
        2. Yes.
        3. I have real emotions too, just not as many as other people.
        4. I have wondered, yes.

      3. HG…which book is best for moving on after the abuse? Crazy thing is…I don’t want him but I’m soooo hurt that he isn’t chasing me or begging me back. I hear so many victims say that their narc begs them back. Mine doesn’t so I stay a little obsessed over this. What book can I read to help with this prob.
        Thx in advance

      4. Hello Katie, I recommend you read No Contact, Exorcism and Black Hole. There are further publications in writing which address the aftermath too. You may wish to consider a consultation with me as this will be of considerable assistance too.

      5. Hi Katie,
        I dont know if this will help but: it’s horrible. downright scary at times. You aren’t missing anything. As empathic people, we tend to see all sides.. it’s difficult not to wonder, but its no better over here in my shoes. The narcissistic relationship is difficult in all roles.

    1. I just came across this, I’m now dealing with this situation, help, the trauma in my head & heart, always on my mind, I seriously need someone’s help… tried to order book & can’t?

      1. Just FYI, the links to the 50 Black Flags Book on the site don’t hyperlink to Amazon. I was able to find it via your Author’s page and purchased the ebook.

    2. It has been 3 years, 2 months & 5 days since i was able to get him physically out of the house. I am still not divorced. He stalls and blocks every time. He has turned one daughter against me. He manipulates the 2 youngest who still have to visit him per court order. It is exhausting & I do not see an end in sight…

      1. Hello Linda,
        Your case sounds complicated and risky when children are involved.
        It is good that you have succeeded with not having him physically around you. It is difficult to know exactly your situation but you sound tired and almost defeated.

        It is very important that you first pinpoint which type ( school) of narcissist he is. This can you do more precisely with an e-mail/audio consultation. It worked for me. In this way you will get a safe bet by knowing what his next move could be so you can counteract it and neutralise the manipulations on you and your children. They are always one step ahead but if you know the different scenarios you can face in the future, you will be more equipped to face them knowing what options you have.
        I hope you have a good lawyer as well.

      2. Superxena, I am worn down. I am tired. I do have a good lawyer who has been a huge blessing to me. My ex has attempted to get alimony despite the fact that I was providing for our 3 children still at home. He lost. Appealed. Had a “panic attack” right before the appeal hearing and withdrew. There is so much…… and i see no end. He will not allow the divorce to be finalized. Despite repeated requests. When I am close to ending it despite his lack of response, he blocks it days before I can finally end this. I knew what I was in for if I tried to divorce. I tried so hard to hang in there till my youngest was an adult. But I just was done with his last disrespect of my last boundary. I was just done. & now I continue to pay. I have heard him referred to as manipulative & co-dependant.

      3. Linda,
        I understand what you mean and I feel for you.

        Asking for alimony was outrageous. It is good that you have a good lawyer.
        My knowledge on this matters is limited. I am just trying to give you some support and I hope it helps you. It is frustrating to read about your situation specially when children are involved.

        I think you are in desperate need of effective strategies in this war you are with your ex.

        If I were you, I would make use of the valuable resource given here (have you considered a consultation?).It is the only way of getting the exact effective strategical moves you need coming from the mind of a narcissist. For you ex this is all like a “chess game ” and you have a (the?) master chess player here…
        You can win this war..

        Do not wait in doing what you need before you get more exhausted and eroded.

        It seems to me that that is exactly what your ex wants: to defeat you by exhaustion.

        Do not let him do that to you.

        Do not wait any longer for your sake and your children’s sake. They deserve a healthy mother and you owe yourself that: to have the energy to love yourself again.

      4. Linda,
        as I understand it: the narc will drag out court cases as long as possible. My ex is attempting the same (tho our situations are different. Mine is DV and it’s been nothing but continuance) I hope you find some relief soon.

        Were you able to discern your type through consultations? Mine seems like a mixture. I can’t pinpoint him (or even me) TIA

      5. Hello Jasmine,
        Absolutely, actually it is the only way of knowing for sure what type of narcissist you are dealing with and what type of empath you are.
        I strongly recommend it!

      6. Lol SuperXena. I figured it out… I make oodles of typos. Stupid spell check makes up words.

        Have you tried both types of communication? I’m not certain which will be most beneficial. I have an endless pool of questions (some of which I’ve figured out reading the blog) but my main concern is moving forward.. identifying myself, and how to avoid this happening again in the future.

      7. Hello Jasmine,
        I guess the best person to address this question to is HG.
        But I will certainly tell you how it worked for me if that helps you:
        I started by reading the books, following , reading and participating on this site .
        First, I made use of e-mail consultations getting specific tailored answers to my “case” both in terms of which school of narcissist I was dealing with and which type of empath I am.

        That way I could pinpoint more specific questions . I then decided to make use of audio consultations with the advantage that I got immediate answers to further questions that came up during the conversations.

        I must say that the combination of both:e-mail and audio consultations is the most effective way to go.

        I hope my feedback helps you.
        Best wishes!

      8. Thank you SuperXena. I appreciate the thoughtful reply. Unfortunately my email program decided yesterday was a good day to send most of my mail to the spam folder. (I have found it all now and am playing catch up.) I went ahead and booked a consult… we shall see how it goes. Wish me luck!

  4. Dear HG,

    What a revelation and education this has been for me. I started listening to your audios on YouTube two days ago and ever since, they have been haunting me.
    Having a psychology background myself, I am aware of the core traits of a narc and to be honest, it scared me as I could relate and identify those traits within myself. I have always considered myself to be empathic and was not cognisant of the various levels associated within the empathic spectrum. This is truly an enlightening experience

  5. Why did you decide to write this book? If you are a narc then I am curious why you would be concerned about helping others. If the book is only written to feed your narc self then how could it be written in a way that would assist others?

    im curious and perplexed

    1. I wrote it because I find the inaccuracies written about us irritating – there is a lot of incorrect information out there. Further, it appeals to my sense of omnipotence and my sense of humour to weaponise empaths to go into battle versus my kind. Who better than a wrong doer to tell you that you have been doing wrong?

      1. A narc doesnt realise they do anything wrong as dont learn from there mistakes as they dont accept responsibility for there actions.. Woman on here are saying they still living in the same house. Why woudnt you give refuge information or encouragment if you are a wrong doer yourself.. As per narc its all for your needs and not others

      2. Marie Brooks

        Narcissists don’t make mistakes. They are wired to acquire fuel and most are very efficient at it. They didn’t do anything wrong from their perspective so they can’t “learn” (accept culpability) from their adverse behavior because in their world they are never at fault.

  6. Do you have an article on the IPSS and his/her escape/post-escape and the hoover process that follows? What happens when the IPSS escapes? What kind of hoover happens? The narc does not have a girlfriend yet but does have many female friends (virtual and I guess in real life, too). He kept in touch with me a lot during his break up and he moved a lot and kept contacting me through that. Was I a primary source in this case then? Or an IPSS? There was flirting back and forth and it felt like he was assessing my past experiences, opinions, and such when it came to conversations of relationship subjects. But there was a lot of hot and cold behavior and I finally had enough and escaped and he said that he hopes that we can be friends but said that we were always friends.

  7. I have encountered a mid range narc. This is the second time he left, when he feels like the relationship is getting too stressful for him after repeated arguments.
    He will not answer texts or calls.
    I don’t know if he will return it’s been a month. It’s crazy because we live close and will likely have to see each other at some point and time and I will probably not speak.
    Last time he returned 3 months later. I can not believe he did this again. I know I was his primary source, I just do not understand.

    1. The not knowing whether he will return is part of the purpose to keep you bewildered, stuck, under control and providing fuel. You are either being disengaged from and then he ping pong backs to you or you remain in devaluation and these are lengthy absent silent treatments. If you want to understand what is happening, I can assist you with that through the provision of further information via a consultation.

      1. I cannot make this stick to the right post so I will shove it here. How do you know you do not love HG? How do you know it’s mimicry. I ask because your self assured no love, never loved stance makes me wonder. How do we know what feelings are real?

      2. Because what I experience is completely different to the way others describe love.
        I know it is mimicry because that is what I do.

      3. Wow a narc has actually wrote a book on it okay so what is the wrong information out there that annoys you

    2. Omg you seem to have a similar one to me, he left me 8 times and each time begged to come back after 2 months, I am rid of him now as I started to confront him and he didn’t like that I’d sussed him out, took 5 years though! He now lives up the road from me, I would never give him the time of day again, xx

      1. The “other”, I won’t mention his name lest I cause a narc injury, says that in order to attain self-awareness a narc would have to experience a “dark night of the soul”. Would you agree?

      2. I am already aware of what I am.

        However, it is a repeated suggestion that deconstruction in an stable manner, accompanied by reconstruction around what emerges form the shadows is apparently a method of trying to alter the narcissist.

  8. I have just left my husband who is a narc. We were together 5 yr and only got married in February. I was fed up of being accused of things that wasn’t true and then found out it was him doing most of them and constantly lying to me. After confronting him about his lies he wouldn’t speak to me and went into separate room for 2 weeks. Enough is enough so I left. I am now in womens refuge as he hid all the money so was unable to start again. He still contacts me with mixed msgs most still blaming me and accusing me. It’s so hard how do I stop this and manage to move on ?

    1. Enough is enough so I left. I am now in womens refuge as he hid all the money so was unable to start again

      ^ Bravo, excellent start. brave and painful. so is not escaping. this pain ends. do consult and continue to read. my path is similar. stay the course. strength in numbers. #metoo

  9. Hello again.
    It is wierd to me asking questions or conculting you on something about our relationship and telling our stories you.
    I had been in a narcissistic relation for 1 year. He used to be living in my house ( we were living together). 5 days ago i told him to seperate all of a sudden. He left the house with anger. After 4 hours later he called me. I didnt answer. He got more angry. Then i picked up the phone. He was crying and asking me if i ever loved him or not. The other day, we texted eachother. He was teasing and blaming on me on the messeges.
    Anyway, then he stop calling and texting me. At the beggining i was going ok with “no contact” rule. Later on i couldnt resist his silent mode. I broke no contact rule.
    In his messeges he leaves the door half open, besides telling me how much i broke his pride and heart.
    When he is in silent mode, i feel like i miss him and going back to him. Actually i want to go back to him because i didnt feel that much unhappy. If i am back to him, do you think he forgives all these happenings and come to me.
    Or should i just wait him to call me ( well, do you think he will call me although he is very silent)? What do you think?

    1. I want to give you a detail which may be important.
      At the end of september (2017), i told him i wanted to be alone for a while. He hoovered me with being very nice. In the middle of october, i told him that he needed to move his own house because of my father’s visitation. He did and came back. He was irritated ofcourse, because he felt very bad due to the situation. He started to behave me like a shit. We were just fighting all day long. I couldnt bare and i told him to leave the house. When i said this to him, he attacked me and threatened me. Then, we were ok. 5 days ago, i told him to break up.
      Now, i want him to call me because i am very unhappy without him. His ego and pride were very broken as he said on his messages. At the same time, he leaves the door half open to continuou the relation.
      What do you advice ?

      1. GOSO – if you want to resolve this matter then I recommend you organise a consultation with me.

  10. Dear God everyone, if you are with a narc, leave…..don’t walk…..RUN!

    Stop trying to figure out the ‘whys,’ just get OUT. The only thing that will change is YOU. You will end up with PTSD, depressed and drugged-up with so many pills you can’t form a sentence.

    Don’t look back, not even a peek. These people will eat your heart for breakfast, your liver for lunch and your brain for dinner. AND, then look around for dessert as you lay there all laid out in a bloody stupor.

    If you are not married to one—just start running. If you are married to one, you better listen to HG, read everything, hear his videos……..this man is telling you the truth, he’s giving it to you straight. This stuff is no joke.

    I had myself well prepared beforehand, I had already slowly siphoned off a considerable amount of money without him noticing (as he counts his pennies like they are gold bars and scans the credit card bills looking for who knows what) and then before he could blink I went down and drained the joint checking account of near about everything (I walked away with a small fortune), I left him enough for it to be a good slap in his face. I also called and cancelled all joint credit cards, no more charging for him and pinning it on me. Changed every single password I had to something so totally random and unrelated to me. I already had a lawyer lined-up and was ready for him.

    As HG says, it’s battle. Get your armor on, these freaks will turn real mean and quick.

  11. Seems all these people are men as a rule but let me ASSURE you all. There are women who are far worse. My entire 7+ year relationship was based on lies and hidden things. Now she’s going to counceling and claiming I’m ABUSIVE! Lies and excuses are all you’ll ever get from these manipulative sad people.

    1. GregK,

      Women can seem far worse. The only narc I know of that actually induced someone to commit suicide was a woman.

      There is also the gender bias that keeps them from being recognized as such. The ratio seems to put men in the majority. It may be that male children are more often treated in the way that causes narcissism to come to fruition. However, it does not lessen the fact that you were victimized by a narcissist, whether male or female.

      I would guess you are here because you searched specific behaviors, so you are fairly certain that you are involved with a narc.

      You may wish to get counseling yourself if you can find a professional that has experience with NPD or treating victims of Narcs. They may specialize in PTSD. Sharing you experiences on this board is also helpful. I’d like to point out that most of us are anonymized. You may also wish to do that in posting here, but it’s obviously not required. I suggest it, because it may help you be freer in sharing.

      You are not the only man here, if it helps you to feel like you have company.

      Personally I would like to hear more of a mans take on a relationship with a narc. But I hope you came here to help yourself. When you read or listen, just picture the narc you know as the narc being discussed.
      It is indeed going to be mind boggling, but read the articles here. This is an education on something you would never think you would or should have to learn.

      Are you No Contact now?

      The first important tools to pick up here and use are Get Out Stay Out, and No Contact.

      If you are married, have children, or otherwise obligated to have some contact with your N, this will be harder.

      If not, start immediately. All the information is here and searchable.

      Talk to ya later,

    2. GregK, I concur with you. I have been around all my life – from family members, to frenemies, to toxic workmates to intimate partners, and I can assure you…looking back, the ones who damaged me the most…are the females.

      Not that the male Narc damaged me less, but the ‘quality of damage’ from the females, both frenemies and family members was just out of this world….and yes, I almost committed suicide because of it.

  12. How do i get my 16yr old daughter away from from my ex-brother in law who she thinks the world of and he a gas lighting narcissist who is turning her against her family

  13. I was married to a narcissist for 23 years , the divorce was beyond hell , my lawyers actually told me he was trying to get me so slow mentally that I would kill myself so he could have the kids an me out of there lives. Who does that ? Both my daughters moved out but my son 22 is still living with him an is at times suicidal because he can’t handle my X . How do I encourage him to get out? My X has told him if he leaves or especially we’re to move in with me ( his mom) don’t ever come back . Need some advice on getting him out of this. Sincerely beach girl

  14. We had another big fight. He had been lying. Again. So I told him he had to leave. He didn’t beg dramatically this time. By the end of the day he was living with another woman. I had no idea she even existed…and he knew her well enough to move in. I was floored. But then he went to jail. Prison. And I accepted his calls for awhile. One day I told him he could still call me but I needed him to back off a little because he was doing it way too much. I guess he was wounded because the calls stopped completely. I didn’t hear from him for 3 years. It was great. I healed. Met someone wonderful. Got married. Started a family. Then hoover attempts started. About a year before he was released he began trying to hunt me down through mutual acquaintances on social media. I politely declined these invitations. Now he’s out and sniffing around town asking about me. I have a whole new life and have blocked him from every aspect. He disgusts me and I wish he would just disappear for good.

  15. I just ordered No Contact off Amazon. The book will arrive in 2 days. But once the order was finalized, Amazon offered the first chapter opened to me…to get me started reading right away.
    Very interesting. But after eagerly reading the first chapter…. my gut intuition is on fire! Why am I hurting and feeling nausea? I feel like reading this book will keep my abuser in the front of my mind, which how he wants it, and how he’s planned it all along. Could reading this book enable one narcissist to help another? Why do I get the feeling I just fed HG the exact thing HG wants?
    It is a vicious circle. I need the information, HG needs the attention, and all the while, my abuser is benefitting as well.
    It’s pure evil, another compliment to HG and my abuser. I thank you for your help, now thank me for my contribution of somehow feeding your ego, while feeding all narcissistic egos everywhere.

    1. No, the book does not enable one narcissist to help another. I have no interest in helping other narcissists, I owe them no loyalty. It is inevitable that you will think about your narcissist when reading my work (or anybody’s work) concerning this subject but you are going to think about your narcissist anyway, you are far better served having it happen when you are engaging with my work. The only way to move forward is to experience some pain and some consideration of the narcissist, that is linked to the subject matter but this information will prove far more effective than anything else and therefore it is a price worth paying. With chemotherapy, there are unpleasant side effects, but it is still necessary to endure them to conquer the cancer. This is similar. It is nothing to do with feeding my ego.

  16. HG, seriously, High five Sir. I am so grateful for your audio’s and writings. You came into my life just as I needed confirmation that I was in fact not off with fairies and I needed to remove myself and especially my children from the toxic environment we found ourselves in. 6 years of absolute belittling and mind games finally took it’s toll. So Thank you HG from Myself and my daughters. You might be a turd to others but to us I’d much rather read your writings than that of the bible – so keep preaching… I haven’t come across one thing I disagree with, you are all over it like a fat kid on a cupcake. So keep it coming cupcake.

    1. Turd? Fat kid? Cupcake? Good job the rest of your comment was so complimentary, a narcissist could be offended! You are welcome and do keep reading and listening and spread the word.

      1. Lol Sorry HG, was not meant to be offensive. Good ol’ Australian humour.
        May I please add to others reading this – after leaving, it doesn’t end, as HG states in a lot of his writings. Even if you go no contact – the after math of being “conditioned” for so long is the most hardest to “get over”. It’s the realisation that the whole marriage was an act/sham – that’s what hurts the most. Attempting to get your emotional thoughts and reactions to subside or under control at least and get back to logical thinking is what is the hardest. You literally need to retrain the wiring in your brain. Be kind to yourself. ❤️

    2. I think my reply was dumped into neverland.. (ERROR)… forgive me if it’s a duplicate!

      Just had to say: I loved your comment ❤ The ‘talking to the faeries’ bit was a line I used with my narc.
      Anyhoo… Welcome aboard! HG is great. The people here are wonderful. Lots of insight!

  17. I left 9 months ago moved 4 hours away,he is on meth and homeless so stays away but although given an order of protection he has phone visitation with our 5 yr old and uses it to get to me. He picked up a new woman with 2 small babies 2 and 4 and they live in a tent and his Durango in the desert homeless. He tells my son he’s coming for soncho and is going to beat any guy up that I let around him, and has the two kids calling him daddy for my son who can’t see him or be around him to hear. I blocked his calls as of the 13th I don’t care if he has court ordered phone visits he’s strung out I doubt he will take me to court. Even though I’ve blocked him and removed all contact I still can’t get him out of my head what I could gave done to make it work . Even sober he treated me terrible but somehow I miss him somehow I want him back it’s sick I know but I can’t stop . I need help 😔

    1. Good start with blocking him and also adopting the stance regarding the phone visits, you need to look to your own defences (and those of your children) and you are correct, if he does not like it he can always return it to court but it may be unlikely he would do so for the reasons you have explained. In terms of tackling your addiction which is manifesting in wanting him back, this can be addressed. You should organise a consultation with me and I will set out what steps you can take to achieve this and move forward.

  18. If I’m completely emotionless to him, positive or negative, will he just go away eventually? He’s dead to me. I forgive him, but I care less. I have nothing to say and no emotion left. It drives him insane and I just keep hoping he’ll just go find someone else because I feed him NO fuel. My tanks BONE DRY…….

    1. Adopting that position is certainly advantageous but it presupposes you having some interaction. You are far better served ensuring you never had any form of interaction with the relevant narcissist at all, because if you do have an interaction, not only is it very difficult for you to try not to provide an emotional reaction and thus fuel, but you are also risking feeding your emotional thinking further.

      1. Thank you, I appreciate your response. I will have to set up a consultation with you. Its all just real complicated. It’s just so unfair all of it….I really try not to fall into pity parties for myself but truly…. Pity on ya’ll too for having such evil hearts too and that whatever happened to you all to make you this way is eating you up so bad you have to ruin the lives of others…ill pray for you all….but I’m truly grateful you’re doing what you’re doing HG….ive found amazing amount of peace since finding your stuff and finally know it’s NOT me after all this time.


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