Never Let Go

I was engaged in a discussion recently with Dr E. The conversation concerned relationships.

“So, when you end a relationship, tell me how do you feel about it?” he began as he unfolded his notebook and found a fresh page.

“I do not end my relationships,” I replied.

“I see, so they are always ended by the other person are they?” he asked.


He waited to see if I was going to say anything else but I remained silent. Come on Dr E, let’s see where you are going with this. You cannot outsmart me. He sat looking at me and I at him.

“Those answers suggest to me then that your relationships do not end.”

Give Dr E enough time and he always gets there.

“Exactly,” I answered.

“I see. We have discussed a number of relationships that you have and have had. With family members, acquaintances, friends and of course lovers. Now, from what you have explained to me I would certainly regard many of those relationships having come to an end, either by your doing or, though admittedly less often, at the hand of the other person.”

“Your concept of a relationship evidently differs from mine.”

“Please, expand on that point.”

“My relationships begin when I determine that they should begin,” I started to speak. Dr E frowned but said nothing. I could tell he wanted me to provide clarity to that assertion and I was happy to oblige.

“When I detect somebody who will prove of use to me then our relationship has already begun. It matters not whether we have spoken in person or even made any kind of contact. The decision that the relationship has begun rests with me.”

Dr E was making notes as I spoke.

” The nature of the relationship is defined by what use that person is to me in providing me with my fuel. If the fuel they provide is strong and potent then I will be spending a lot of time with that person, others less so. I dictate the pace at which the relationship will develop by such criteria that I understand people like you apply to relationships.”

“What criteria are those?” asked Dr E.

“Instances such as familiarity with one another, whether there is a hand shake or a kiss on greeting, the name by which we call one another, whether they can be relied on to provide information, whether they will lend money, whether we go to certain places together and how often, whether we live together, all of these things are what you measure a relationship by.”

“And do you regard those criteria as instances that ought to happen over a particular period of time?”

“No. They are all measurements by which I know people like you determine the nature of the relationship. I use them as markers by which the level of fuel can be influenced, accordingly, I will move them along at a pace which suits my demands for fuel.”

“But not according to anyone else’s input or say a generally accepted norm from society?”

“Well, the other person has to consent to the act, I mean, I haven’t imprisoned anyone in my home. Yet.” I smiled.

“But if they are to provide their consent surely that means the timescale is taken out of your hands?”

“Not at all. I just make them consent in accordance with my timescale,” I said.

“By exerting the influences you have described to me previously?”


Dr E remained silent as he continued to write.

“So you determine when the relationship begins and the pace at which it proceeds and this relationship never ends?”


“But some of the instances of your intimate relationships that you have described to me certainly fit with the concept that they have ended.”

“Not at all. If I have cast someone to one side because, as they always do, they have let me down in some way, then I will not let them walk away. They might think they have been able to do this. Indeed, in certain instances I encourage that train of thought so that the person’s defences remain down and thus they are susceptible to me resurrecting our interaction. Nobody leaves me and I do not leave anybody. They will always serve some kind of purpose, at some point and therefore there may be a pause in our interaction but there is never a cessation.”

“What if the other person decides they no longer wish to interact with you?”

“Why on earth would they think that?” I asked puzzled.

“Well, your treatment of many of them was harsh and unpleasant.”

“But no less than they deserved. People need to know their place and if they step outside of that they must be brought to heel.”

“Why?” asked Dr E.

“Because I gave them everything and each time they repay me by letting me down. That is unfair. Each time I give them the world, I really do doctor and no matter how wonderful I am to them they do not do enough in return and they let their affection become dull or they fail to provide me with the adoration that I deserve. It is wrong and they must be made to see how wrong they are punished for their transgressions.”

“So you maintain a relationship to punish the other person?”

“In part yes, but it is usually because they still prove of use to me and they have their debt to me to repay.”

“I see,” remarked Dr E and he continued with his writing.

“And when do they repay this debt?” he asked.

“That’s the problem doctor, ” I said with a sigh, ” they never do. That is why I never let them go.”

115 thoughts on “Never Let Go

  1. Magda says:

    β—€NEVER β–Ά sounds scary and tempting….

  2. Twinkletoes says:

    Do narc’s grieve? Not the loss of a person, obviously, but the supply they once provided?

    1. malignnarc says:

      We move on to the next. The loss of fuel infuriates us but we don’t grieve.

  3. luckyotter says:

    Your posts are very triggering, but what a unique perspective. I can’t stop reading them.

    1. malignnarc says:

      Thank you luckyotter, it will not always be comfortable reading but as you identify you will not get this perspective from anywhere else and that makes the rollercoaster worth it.

      1. luckyotter says:

        I’m just curious. What motivates you to write a blog that educates and informs the type of people you have victimized? Is a semblance of a conscience driving you, or is it something else?

        I’m sure you know about Sam Vaknin, the narcissist who writes books about narcissism and runs narc abuse victim groups. I’m curious about what you think of him?

        1. malignnarc says:

          I enjoy writing. I enjoy having an audience. It is also partially driven by the terms of my treatment. I have heard of SV and seen a couple of his videos. I think he has his own evident style which leans more to the scientific.

          1. luckyotter says:

            Thank you. I’ll keep reading.

          2. malignnarc says:

            I am pleased you do.

          3. Freedom says:

            A very diplomatic reply HG

          4. malignnarc says:

            But also true

  4. TimeWasted says:

    “I do not end my relationships.”

    No wonder he never tells me it’s over. He just vanishes.
    I would rather he end it and tell me off than just disappear.
    One time he was extremely rude to me on the phone. I was so mad I didn’t care if I talked to him again.
    This time, nothing. Just vanished! That is much worse! He’s an asshole.

    1. V says:

      This is all so sick. Fuel? For what HG, even in you I want to believe you can’t be this cruel! All these actions are just ridulous states of the mind over compensating for the fragile ego. How could you NOT have even loved or adored Racheal? How is hurting people fuel? How is cheating and doing morally wrong things to others a stroke to your ego? And tell me HOW you sleep at night cozied up to knowing you caused pain? The reward you said is fuel, so HG, how can you feel good about …. Intense wrong and bad?

      1. malignnarc says:

        Hello V. I sleep very well. I close my eyes and soon sleep and before I know it, it is a new day. It is the reaction that is the fuel. How would you feel knowing that every single day you must gather this fuel or be destroyed. It is ceaseless and I have to do it. It is not the hurting that matters to me, it is the reaction. If people did not let me down then I would have no need of lashing out, but they bring it on themselves. I do not love or adore – I am not able to do so, not in the way that you understand those words. I must get fuel. Each and every day. Think about how you would manage doing that? Hard work yes?

        1. V says:

          I can’t believe it’s real, all this means you are made of nothing… Like the character in terminator. C’mon, really no awareness? No conscience? If you can think it, you can feel it, and if you can do both then you are a living being with a choice….. So HG, will you really try and represent a vampire or not of this world sort of existence? Yes, it must be hard day to day to get fuel, but isn’t that the same as me trying to get love or acceptance?
          Is the truth that it is a tackle of good verses Evil? That’s too much to comprehend.

          1. malignnarc says:

            I have an awareness through the work I have undertaken. I have no conscience however since I am not built in that way.I must do what I do.James Bond is a licensed killing machine. I am a machine that must gather fuel. The whys and wherefores about this process are irrelevant. Accordingly, any feeling associated with that has been stripped away. I suppose my quest for fuel has similarities to your need to gather love or acceptance but from what I have seen, the dedication other people apply to those tasks is far below the dedication I apply to my task. Is it a battle of good v evil? Perhaps. I see it as a battle of necessity.

          2. V says:

            So then I guess the odds of my N feeling bad or guilty about cheating, decieving and devadting me are 0 then.

          3. malignnarc says:


  5. Leslie Constantino says:

    I have tried to be discarded, grey rocking, being just absolutely boring and it does not work. I still have the overly hovering, jealous, love bombing narc. I wish he had another source sweeter than me so he would leave. I have NEVER had the lovely opportunity of my narc leaving me…he was told if he ever leaves don’t bother coming back. I do know he pulls fuel from flirting with other women….two can play that game, I can even flirt with other women! πŸ˜› He constantly pulls negative fuel from others as I have learned not to fuel this side of him….he will turn into the incredible hulk! How is it I am still trapped in this game and cannot leave?! I suspect he has more issues than just narcissism and me trying to leave on my own becomes a dangerous game. I would gladly be by myself and allow him his positive fuel often but I don’t like being a prisioner…..

    1. V says:

      Now that the rush from the release of anger has worn off, I don’t feel so hot. From his end he denied, denied and then only focused on my rage and temper. He did say I was a nutcase who had ALL WRONG and he wants NOTHING to do with me. Never mind the fact that I was the one leaving HIM! It’s nutty how he tried to twist it all on me.
      If only he could have owned it and apologized for playing me and cheating on me. Now I’m left with all this ugly stuff in my head. Not even one sign of remorse from him.
      Nothing, I sensed a little fear in him at what I might do next, but no remorse.

  6. alexis2015s says:

    Freedom it heartbreaking reading your posts. It’s a horrible place to be. I hope your soul searching gives you the answers you want.

    Would you have a relationship with another N ?

    1. Freedom says:

      Hi Alexis

      I’m hoping one day this pain will pass and the soul searching and knowledge will set me free.

      I’d not knowingly enter into a relationship with another N. how about you ?

      1. alexis2015s says:

        The pain will definitely pass freedom, and knowledge will set you free. This is one of the hardest things to get over because it is not like a normal break up, in a normal relationship your partner does not try to erode your self esteem as well.

        Everyone has to get through it in the best way that suits them. For me that was reading as much as I could about both sides of the coin.

        Just keep going freedom, one foot in front of the other. You will get there. You’ve come this far and worked out what he is, it’s just a matter of time xx

        1. Freedom says:

          Hi Alexis

          Thanks for your reply. I am making the assumption my ex is a Narc and not just an arse. I’ve had more band luck and news over Christmas not related to him but has set me back again.
          I am trying so hard to let go but it’s getting harder at the min. I am constantly thinking he will be back in the uk in march with his new prey. I so want to go and hurt him.
          I will never forgive him so maybe this is why I’ll never be free. He doesn’t deserve my forgiveness even an empath has their limits of kindness, understanding and forgiveness.

          Hope you had a nice Christmas xx

          1. alexis2015s says:

            Sorry you had more bad luck over Xmas. Unfortunately bad things do happen, but the timing is not good I know.

            Don’t doubt he is an N. we all doubt it in the early stages and want to hope that it’s not. But if you’re on this site you’ve judged it right.

            You don’t need to forgive him but to allow yourself to move on, it’s important to not get wrapped up in trying to hurt him, because it won’t anyway. No matter what you do to him, he would just enjoy the drama of it and would come out winning anyway. No need to forgive him though. I never thought about forgiveness just got on n with my life. I don’t like mine but don’t hate him either, just feel indifference. Just look after myself x

          2. Freedom says:

            Thanks Alexis
            I’m going to try and move on and hope 2016 improves for me. Hope your 2016 is wonderful to xx

  7. freedom says:

    HG reading your comment about the older narcissist leaning towards positive fuel and carrying out more positive behaviour. How do they keep their negative actions under control eg the triangulation and cheating ??

    1. malignnarc says:

      They still engage in negative behaviours but they do not have as much energy to engage in them thus they do not happen as often. Whereas before they may have had serial affairs, now they may just flirt with people they meet, lacking the energy to service an affair. They will use more passive aggressive behaviours, such as the silent treatment, to draw negative fuel. They will triangulate but it will be on a lesser scale, with fewer people and less frequently. The old habits remain but are much reduced in effect. Thus negative actions remain but their reduced energy capacity means they happen less and thus the positive begins to dominate.

      1. Freedom says:

        I’m now thinking my ex is probably reaching this point. He has sent very flirtatious FB private messages to work mates. He also had one other woman in the uk I’m aware of so I’m presuming this was possibly the start of the slow down in negative fuel.
        I’m now wondering then although we have discussed many times he will do to his new wife what he put me through that there is infancy every chance this may not be the whole case. So I’m now a little disappointed that his relationship may succeed.

        1. Angel says:

          When did you realize you were different from others? Did u have an awakening or have u always felt the hunter among plentiful, pathetic prey?

          1. malignnarc says:

            When I was about 15 I realised I was different to many around me but I did not really appreciate how until I was 19.

      2. Nikita says:

        Agree totally on this one!!! With HG. My case with my ❀️. somewhen they “recover” or get reasonable ( sorry HG 😝) and the matrix is organised in a way that the major output comes from positive fuel. I also believe its a change of mindset in a way. Old behaviours never leave them though.

        1. Freedom says:

          So am I understanding then they become more acceptable to be with. I can cope with flirting etc. but being discarded all the time I couldn’t manage that . So I’m a bit sad as this new wife will probably stay if its under those conditions.

          1. malignnarc says:

            Potentially they do. It depends how much fuel he needs and receives. If she is deficient in that regard he will up the ante.

          2. Freedom says:

            I’m sure then that there is every possibility my ex and his wife will be together for quite sometime then. With her status and all the other things I’ve spoke of numerous time before she’s going to serve him well.
            If they become more acceptable with age and she is a good supply of fuel there will be no need to engage in cheating and all the other games. So in my observation it could be a good marriage.

          3. malignnarc says:

            Believe me, it won’t be a good marriage.

          4. Freedom says:

            Maybe it’s the empath In me but I feel it’s so sad that narcs are so good at love bombing and future faking that its a shame it is all lies. If it was true then the empath would be happy and give the delicious fuel you crave with no need for all the chaos. Both partners would be happy a win win situation.

          5. V says:

            You told me he was getting fuel some where else and my god you were right, I didn’t really believe it deep down, but he was. I hope I created a situation where it leaves him with no fuel, at least for a while.
            That’s my revenge. It’s sick on my end, I did it out of pure pain.

          6. malignnarc says:

            Where is he getting it from and how did you find out?

          7. V says:

            I told the story in a comment a little bit ago

          8. malignnarc says:

            Working my way to it !

          9. Nikita says:

            Yes Freedom I could not cope with being discarded neither…
            But forget about that guy, even if for his wife is nicer… Let go and forgive and then you are free to be happy.

          10. Freedom says:

            That’s where I’m struggling Nikita, I can’t let go. I feel so low that I was unable to maintain his affection and she will.
            Sad I know, even sadder now I know he was cheating on me with her and another woman here in the uk.

            I’m going to try and do some more soul searching and reading. To try and set me free.

          11. V says:

            And last night in a way I feel I beat the narcissist, only a little, but better than any other time. I for the first time busted him on his infidelity and went straight to the woman to let her know he was playing us both, He lied, so I sent her those text messages, he kept texting me telling me I had it all wrong, I kept sending her copies.
            He seemed way shakin by my undercover work. I went off and unleashed rage like I have never before in my life. He wasn’t used to that I broke things, threw things and he stood there in shock.
            It felt good to for once be the bully.
            It felt good to expose him.
            And it felt good to leave him in his mess.
            This is the most revenge I’ve ever had in 5 years. I’m pretty sure the other woman will now have her radar up and make hi miserable if not leave him all together.
            It’s their mess now

          12. V says:

            The new woman is a veterinarian he was introduced to by his new friends, how long will he be able to keep up the great guy routine with her? Obviously, he has to rise to occasion with her. I’m a very reliable codependent for him, at least I was until I flipped out over all this. With me he needs no mask except in the golden period, which this time only lasted a week before he started devaluing me.
            Will he ever be a great guy Most of the time?

          13. malignnarc says:

            It will probably be a number of months that he can keep up the great guy routine. After that he will vacillate between the good and the bad as he gathers his fuel. He won’t be a great guy most of the time as this will not sustain the level of fuel he needs.

          14. Freedom says:

            Hi V

            Your story and your questions are so similar to mine. I want to know the same as you how long will it take till he treats her like he treats / treated me. Will he always be nice with her etc etc. it’s a horrible place to be and it fills your head with all sorts if things. Will they be happy, is he going to keep the charade up all the time with her and so on.

            I just have to rely on what I’ve read and understand of this makeup Narcs have and believe it will happen at some point.

            As HG is always right aren’t you ?

          15. malignnarc says:

            Hi Freedom, yes I am,but you knew that.

          16. Freedom says:

            I sure did HG, I’m learning fast 😜

      3. Nikita says:

        Freedom: They maybe discover that they do can change some patterns… Still remaining powerful narcs… Can this be HG?
        @narcissist_me: In the midst of change we often discover wings we never knew we had. -Ekaterina Walter #quote
        I think this applies to every human.. Good or bad.

  8. Freedom says:

    Hi V

    My ex narc sounds. a similar type to yours. More silent treatments than violence. When he was living near by I would often get the silent treatment If I didn’t respond or do what he thought I should do. I also got the whole key to the house what’s mine is yours. If you moved in and we rented your house we could live happily all the time.
    He then applied for his job abroad he needed me at first but after returning back abroad after home leave I got the silent treatment again. As HG points out he could be getting supply else where this appears to be the situation in my case. Be careful you decided where you want to go before he discards as no closure is painful πŸ˜”

  9. All of this is pretty accurate and scary to even think about on my end because I am the fuel BUT I don’t understand why when I say I am done, we will not have a future and be just as cold as my narc has been why he will not move on. I have been more suffocated than ever, he claims he is going to fight “for this relationship” and he still keeps talking of our future!?!? Every time we end up arguing about this he continues to deflect and place the blame on me but I am well aware of who I am dealing with now so I remain quiet. The Grey Rocking method is a fail here. Why will he not find another source? I thought that narcs enjoyed having several sources!

    1. malignnarc says:

      Hi Leslie, thanks for your post. He probably does have another source. The reason he will not let you go is because there is no fuel as sweet as that of a hovered intimate partner. Have a read of Fuel and it explains it all.

      1. Thank you, I will check it out. This is all really new to me but I’d rather pick the mind of someone who is willing to admit to their actions…regardless if you believe your actions are wrong or right.

        1. malignnarc says:

          Feel free to pick my mind, you are most welcome. Fuel is where I have expanded on this point. The books essentially are more detailed explanations which people find insightful and informative and they also save me doing even more typing !

  10. Angel says:

    You may never leave… but I have. You hold onto an idea, an illusion, a me that no longer exists. Open your eyes vampire… you will not see me.

    1. malignnarc says:

      Hi Angel, that sounds like a challenge to me. I’m there though, just waiting to leap into your mind at the first scent of that after shave, the opening bars of ‘that’ song or when you pour a glass of a particular wine.

      1. Angel says:

        You do come to mind but strangely I feel nothing. It’s like walking through a museum without connecting to the pieces… you exist, you are there, but I will glance and pass you by. P.S. the music, the wine and the aftershave are so much better among the living . You reek of something I once knew bit no longer have the taste for.

        1. malignnarc says:

          The resistance is strong with this one, but it just a question of time.

  11. Nikita says:

    V agree… HG is a charming writter…. And blue eyes πŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒ… You can continue flirting πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ y enjoy this blog very much!!

    1. malignnarc says:

      I’m just polite, it is you who is the flirt !

      1. Nikita says:

        Meee the flirt??? Noooo!!! not when I have to wonder about the size of your carπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ and Besides im telling V to continue flirting… I guess you dont have to flirt with us… We are here because we have this flaw of being attracted to Narcs πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

        1. malignnarc says:

          Ha ha, you don’t need to wonder about the size of my car, I have already told you.

          1. Nikita says:

            HG this is a narc site and we learned that they cheat and lie and say what we want to hear 😳😳 dont they… But its okay with your blue eyes I have enough motivation to maybe flirt…. One day 😜

          2. malignnarc says:

            Blue is the colour

  12. Mills53 says:

    So, if I am reading right, Noone ever broke up with you? Except for the one that committed suicide? Maybe they never leave because you are high functioning and they stay for power, status and money? Or maybe they never leave because you are selective and only target codependents and super empaths? Have you ever gone for a challenge or you would rather stick to easy prey?
    I am still trying to figure out why I was targeted by him. I am neither a codependent, nor an empath.I don’t sympathize with people, I expect them to solve their own problems like normal adults.

    1. malignnarc says:

      Who committed suicide? They never leave for many reasons but the overriding reason is that there is only ever a temporary cessation in our “relationship”.Once you start the dance with me I have you for ever. I am interested in why you query why you were targeted. You dispense with the usual attracting qualities (unless you are denying what you are) but there will be some reason he picked you and that will be because you give fuel. How did the relationship start?

      1. Na says:

        I am scared about everything I read. While I know you are correct, it is daunting.

        The positivity as he gets older. Worse telling me directly: you’re doing so much better


  13. Nikita says:

    Of course blue eyes πŸ˜ƒ. Sleep well.

  14. Nikita says:

    Seems HG with his book becomes our best friend ladies…. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

    1. malignnarc says:

      I have always been your best Nikita, you know that.

    2. V says:

      Lol, no kidding Nikita, yet another Narcissist we look to!
      It is hard for me to believe you don’t have some kind of compassion and care in that heart of yours HG, that is unless…… You’re giving us all the wrong info on PURPOSE! Lol, JK.

      1. malignnarc says:

        I’m not giving the wrong information because I am always right and besides I credit all who read the books and the blog posts with sufficient intelligence to recognise what I write and to recognise the truth of what I reveal about they way we think, behave and act. I don’t write out of any sense of caring or compassion, I do it because I enjoy writing. I do it because I enjoy the interaction I have with everyone here. I do it because I am interested in reading what others think and do. I am always learning. I have always been keen to learn, true enough my motives are not the most noble, but I have a thirst for knowledge and understanding and I also see that in others and I want to be able to pour those who want to learn a long drink of knowledge, hence I write.

        1. V says:

          No wonder I gravitate to wards N’s, no doubt I’d be a blubbering mess over your great writing skills, intellect and brutally in touch with yourself awareness you have!
          Keep writing HG, your writing is always so well done, clear and helpful.
          You were meant to do this blog for us and yourself no doubt.

          1. malignnarc says:

            Thanks V. Feel free to be a mess over me but you will be the one cleaning up afterwards. I don’t do menial chores !

          2. V says:

            Haha, see HG, you are utterly charming, that was an awfully witty comeback n

          3. malignnarc says:

            I am pleased you recognise and embrace charm when you encounter it !

        2. V. L says:

          Well he finally made contact last night after being away from his house all afternoon , it was simply a cryptic message asking me what time I went into his house( I did not ) , then going onto to say. Not to go by when he is or isn’t there without his permission, it’s a far cry from a week ago when he romantically handed me the house key and said ” pretend you live here”. It’s getting weird. I think he’s headed for a discard?

          Sent from my iPhone


          1. malignnarc says:

            He wants to know when you are going to be there so he can make an appearance and then attempt to draw you in. He doesn’t want to ask to meet up but rather he will prefer to just appear so it aligns with his sense of omnipotence.

          2. V says:

            I don’t know HG,
            He’s never monitored my comings and goings of his place before, remember he is currently sort of giving me a silent treatment, he’s not communicating w me unless I communicate first. He’s evasive about getting together tonight, he’s backed way off. I’m thrown off by him stating he only wants me to in and out of his place if he’s knows about it. That’s a first, it feels like the beginning of a discard, it’s only a week of reconciliation after being apart 5 months. I’m trying to pretend all is normal and am even trying to be cheery, he has no idea I know what he’s doing. I wanted to run to his house and throw his key at him and say, ” your text regarding the key was so degrading ” after telling me his house is my house when he gave me the key. But I’m taking Your book ESCAPE’s advice and acting normal and up rattled. I have not reacted except to be cheerful.
            Does it sound like the beginning of a devalue?

          3. malignnarc says:

            Well you are certainly applying the right methodology by not reacting. If you had thrown the key at him and spoken your mind in that manner that would, as you know, have provided a generous dollop of fuel. By stating he is only allowing you access to the property when he knows about it he is exerting control over you and he is downgrading your status. He is letting you know you are not as important to him as you no longer have the free pass of unfettered movement. He is hoping you will rail against this and protest at this shift in status and thus give you fuel.

          4. V. L says:

            That answer feels right.
            Demoted for sure.

            Sent from my iPhone


          5. malignnarc says:

            I don’t do feelings, I just know. You are welcome. Thank you for contributing.

          6. V. L says:

            Haha HG,
            Do you know you just quoted something he said early on??!!!
            He said,” I don’t do feelings “. God, if I had only known then that he meant it literally.

            Sent from my iPhone


          7. malignnarc says:

            Frighteningly similar aren’t we? Those red flags were flying high weren’t they?

          8. V. L says:

            From the very beginning, yes they were. I always think he’s going to be so much nicer, or reasonable, level headed, able to show up for someone else, but the odds are the red flags will be waving there too. I’m also becoming more aware that he won’t be able to change his spots for long, eventually she will get the same behavior from him as I have.

            Sent from my iPhone


          9. malignnarc says:

            You can bet your house she will.

          10. V. L says:

            How old are you? My guess is mid 40 or younger?
            My guy is 61.
            It’s got to be getting for him to out there?
            Does it get harder for your kind when you get older to get fuel that will stay by your side?

            Sent from my iPhone


          11. malignnarc says:

            You are in the ballpark for my age. Interestingly, many narcs tend to gravitate towards more positive fuel as they age. Their energy levels drops so they need to find a source that will be reliable. They will still lash out from time to time but they will place a greater emphasis on positive fuel over negative and this tends to allow them to have someone stay. They will also ensure that person remains out of a sense of obligation (been together a long time) or necessity (financially cannot really go elsewhere)

          12. V says:

            Interestingly he seems to try and date women around 40. I’m 53.
            I know I’m probably too old for him now and I’m the bottom of the barrel supply. I’m supposed to see him at 1:00 today due to a pre planned appt. it will be interesting to see how he treats me. I’ve not reacted in any way to his ignoring me and asking me to call before I go by. It makes me sick to think I still haven’t walked out yet. But I’m wondering, I keep wanting to leave with some dignity, is there any way to accomplish that? I know either he will blow or I will, if he’s looking for an end HE WILL create that no matter what by either having a tantrum and going away or poking me enough that I do. I’m looking for some dignity or self respect this time. I just don’t know how to play it so I can have that. I know the end is in the air….. He’s started his devalue obviously.

          13. Freedom says:

            I best be careful I’m in my early 40 s so best keep vigilant if there’s a lot if narcs preying on my age range.

            HG you say your kind lean towards positive fuel in later life and allow a partner to stay around. Why ? Is it just because your charms are fading ??

          14. malignnarc says:

            My charm won’t fade. It is not always the case but older narcs (I saw it in a family member) do not have the energy to maintain such heightened levels of drama which engender negative fuel. They prefer the positive fuel which means a partner is more likely to remain with them. The partner (if of a similar age to the narc) is more likely to want to remain in place as well (convenience, fear of unknown, financial dependency, longevity of existing relationship and so on)

          15. Freedom says:

            Interesting HG, I’m three months older than my narc and apparently all past partners had been considerably older than him. The woman he’s married is 3 yrs younger than him. I noticed on her FB page awhile ago shed posted she was still waiting for her the one ! She must think he’s it. Maybe he will expected her to stay then hence the marriage. I think he wanted me to marry in the beginning as he knew I’d stood by my ex husband even when times where really bad. I did eventually leave after 13yrs I’d had enough. I’m thinking it must be scary for n acing narc as. Say for instance she stays for 15 yrs he’d be 58 and getting old. Prey harder to acquire. My ex suffered a lot with kidney stones which always involved surgical intervention and the side effects document are documented as erectile dysfunction. He was also borderline diabetic and that also results in erectile dysfunction. In thinking this woman has Waite so long for the right man if he treats her like he treated me she wouldn’t stick it as her time for a content life is slipping away.

          16. V says:

            Then do they become more positive ?

          17. malignnarc says:

            Who ? The narc? They opt for more positive fuel than negative fuel in their dotage.

          18. V says:

            Yes, I mean the narc, if he’s seeking more positive fuel wouldn’t he himself become more positive as well? Other wise he wouldn’t be able to keep someone around?

          19. malignnarc says:

            Yes he is more likely to do things which draw a positive reaction, be pleasant, show how good he is at certain things, grand gestures etc so there would be a greater degree of positivity in his behaviour too.

    3. Stacey says:

      Hahaha. Too funny.

  15. V says:

    This explains why after 5 months and him coming back a week ago he said,” I didn’t leave you”. I’m currently reading Escape HG, the problem with my N is every play of his is a silent treatment after any disappointment or anger of me. He will punish with going silent. He’s currently mad again after 1 week.
    HG, is the main reason a N will always win is simply because we care and they DON’T? They just simply could care less and that always prevails no mTter what?

    1. malignnarc says:

      Hi V, indeed it does explain why he said that. It is evident your N is more of passive-aggressive type by using silence more than anything else. My next book Fury sheds more light on why this is done and will be of interest to you. Absolutely V, the reason we are victorious is because we can just carry on as if nothing has happened and go and find some one else to fuel us at the drop of a hat. You care and that means you are left counting the cost. You need to reframe what you regard as winning so it becomes depriving your narc of what he wants, namely fuel and not reacting. There are further ways of exacting revenge against us but I am saving those for a future book, but I will share.

      1. V says:

        As your book ‘ Escape ‘ reccomends I’m ignoring his anger and silence right now, I tried yesterday to apologize for the moment he felt ‘ abused ‘ by me twice and he finally responded with a text that said,” I’m sure this will pass ” meaning his hurt feelings or anger. In reality he should have had an apology for me as well…. But I know that isn’t in the cards, so I’m taking my lump on the head , today he is silent. This is different from the last week of being glued to the hip. I’m back in the waiting game again, waiting for him to get over it, waiting for him to contact me, waiting for him to do something.
        In the drop of a pin I went from beloved to be hated – yet again. The only way to make it is to completely submissive. But then he’s turned off at my lack of backbone, become more capable and he’s offended at me having an identity. There is simply no way to be. There is no love here, it’s nothing but power, control, games and deciet. You said he was primarily passive aggressive, I agree, he’s also a HUGE hothead, it’s just it’s always topped off with a separation of some sort. I’m not chasing him to make up, I’m letting him be.

        1. malignnarc says:

          HI V, it is all about drawing a reaction from you to garner fuel. He wants your apology but then will criticise you for being submissive to make you react. Assert yourself and he will criticise that, again to draw a reaction. You are correct there is no way to be because whatever you will do he will find a way to attack, provoke, mistreat and criticise you so you provide the emotional reaction he requires. Leave him be and he will come back looking to find some fuel. Save yourself the aggravation and don’t react. Whatever you do will be wrong so don’t do anything involving him. Go and do something else rather than wasting your energy on him.

          1. V says:

            That’s what I’m trying to do, no react to him being mad going out of touch with me. Problem is how far will he take it? We have Xmas day plans.

          2. malignnarc says:

            He will take it as far as he can get to get fuel. If he realises he will not get fuel from you, he will get it from elsewhere. It is a matter for you as to whether you feel you can handle him on Christmas Day. You may decide to have nothing to do with him, you may decide you will interact so long as you can keep a lid on his behaviour (if possible) or you may just give in for the day because it is too much effort. The key is that you now know what to do. It is up to you whether you apply this knowledge or not.

          3. V says:

            But wait HG,
            If he’s looking for my reaction, and I’m silent over here while he’s brooding then he’s getting no fuel, if I want to continue our xmas plans then I will have to provide some fuel to bring him in if he’s staying silent?

          4. malignnarc says:

            He is being silent with you in the expectation of you reacting. He will be drinking up low level awareness fuel at present but that will not sustain him. He may be gathering fuel from another source whilst away from you. If not then he will need to come back to you to gather some fuel. It is a question of when he will do this. If he is not getting fuel from elsewhere he will come looking to you soon. If you are not hearing from him he is fuelling elsewhere and will be content for you to make the first move. Once you do that you give him a large dollop of fuel since you have buckled.

  16. TimeWasted says:

    No, he will be back. That’s why he leaves so many things here. πŸ™

  17. MLA-Clarece says:

    Karen? Caroline? Those are 2 you’ve made clear there was a finite end. You can’t Hoover at some future point with Karen. What did happen to her?

    1. malignnarc says:

      Hi Clarece, good to see you remain on the ball. Updated posts re Karen and Caroline are in the pipeline and they will answer your question.

  18. TimeWasted says:

    He is irresistible to me. I’m trying to break the hold he has on me. He’s been gone for 6 months. I know he will be back. He always comes back. I want to be free of my desire for him. I am doing better. I do get asked out by other men, but I can’t bring myself to go. If he will stay gone, I will be free.

    1. malignnarc says:

      Of course he will not stay gone though will he?

      1. Na says:

        Never? Even with exposure?

        Can he have two primary sources? Would he ask two of them to marry him? Why?

        And, doesn’t he have to up the ante when he attempts to return. Do narcs believe in God, ever?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No you cannot have two primary sources.

          He would ask two to marry him for the purposes of fuel but would only marry one.

          we believe in God if it suits us to do so.

  19. Sari says:

    Never? (Gulp)

  20. Interesting.

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