A Statement of Intent

I should imagine that most of you looked at this picture of a person pushing a boulder up a hill and thought to yourselves,

“Oh yes, that is what life with a narcissist is like.”

I know you do as I have had it said to me several times.  I always reply,

“Achieving and maintaining brilliance is not meant to be easy. If it was, every one would be doing it. You have to work hard to keep up with me.”

You see there are certain types of empath who really do go above and beyond the call of duty. They may be of a co-dependent nature but it is not necessarily the case. It is more the fact that his person, a super empath, has an near unquenchable desire to do good, to heal, to fix and make things right. They regard anything and everything as a challenge but that no challenge is insurmountable. Their level of optimism is quite frankly baffling but I am not going to complain as I harness it to my advantage. The super empath believes there is good in everyone, it is just a case of finding it. This person believes that good will always triumph, that love will conquer all and no person is a lost cause. Sometimes it is fairly easy to identify these people as they do tend to congregate in the caring professions or if they do not, one can tell that they are a super empath by the way they undertake charity work, care for animals or overly romanticise everything. I have written before about how in the very early stage of our interaction I engage in a systematic and deliberate methodology of ensuring that you are going to supply with me fuel and that you will be drawn into my sphere of influence. This methodology also enables me to spot the super empath. Once I have one on my radar there is an exciting surge of anticipatory power through me as I relish the fuel that will be soon flowing from this hitherto untapped reservoir. When I have a super empath in my sights then I know that this person will go the extra mile, they will put in the hard yards and aim for 110 %. Armed with this knowledge I will issue my statements of intent so they do indeed work hard and supply me with what is amazing fuel.

What do these statements of intent look like? They come in a variety of forms but some examples are as follows:-

“You know I will hurt you so you would be better off staying away from me.”

“I don’t know what it is but I am on the verge of frenzy and you will get caught up in so you need to steer clear.”

“I am difficult to please, I think you should be aware of this.”

“Nobody ever meets me expectations.”

“I have always been let down in the past and I do not expect you to be any different, so if you want to go now, before it is too hard, then you can.”

“I can promise you it will never be dull with me, but I do not know if you could handle it.”

“The intensity of my love will be brutal and you will probably be broken by it. It takes a special kind of person to be with me.”

“I am giving you the chance to walk away now before it becomes too much for you.”

These comments and similar are all the oral equivalent of throwing down the gauntlet. I can say these things utterly safe in the knowledge that you will now walk away. It is against your nature to do so. You hear these words and as a super empath you see a challenge but something that is completely worthwhile. There is a lost soul to be shepherded, a desolate being to make good once more and a wayward person to steer towards the light. You want to rescue me from the dark side, pull me clear of the abyss and save me. No matter how hard I make it sound, how difficult and dangerous it is described I know you want it all the more because you want to prove you can do it. No matter how high the obstacles are raised and how awkward and demoralising the journey, as a super empath you will hang in there.

I do not make these statements of intent for your sake. I am not warning you off out of any sudden sense of guilt or concern. Not a chance. I am doing it to appeal to you all the more. I know it is like turning the after burners on and you will respond by giving you absolute all to try and please me, heal me and fix me.

You never succeed. All you do is give me the most wonderful fuel.

The boulder will roll back down the hill, no matter how far you have pushed it and you will be flattened by it. Every time.

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40 thoughts on “A Statement of Intent”

  1. Hmmm I have to say I’m getting confused somewhat HG.

    As a child I was totally a super empath. But as I developed became a teen and young adult I changed dramatically. Life changed me.

    I somehow developed a lack of emotions. And life became to easy I wished for something exciting to happen, good or bad and wow did I get what I wished for haha.

    But I do remember saying things like this to the N myself, for example, ‘a girl like me is no good for a boy like you’.

    I incorrectly assumed that he was a ‘nice guy’.

    But he did somehow (once I’d fallen for him) bring my empathetic nature back to life.

    I’m definitely and absolutely not an N. As I’ve never felt the need to purposely hurt anyone.

    But it does make me wonder why he continued to pursue me as a lot of the things I said / did would have appeared ‘N like’.

    But then he does tend to go for the PDs. Well anyone at all to be honest !

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  2. It’s incredible the warning signs, the patterns, how clearly you can see everything *after* you’ve been involved with a narc.

    Mine said “I don’t want to be something bad in your life and make you unhappy”….and then proceeded to cause me endless pain and confusion for months after making sure I was truly hooked on the relationship…

    Even now, I miss him even though I hate him….

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    1. Hi Megan, yes once you have it pointed out to you in whatever form that takes is all seems blindingly obvious. The same things are said, done at the outset and then in the blink of an eye the same things are said and done when everything turns sour. When your narc said the sentence you detailed in your post, do you recall what you thought and if so what was it? I have heard your final sentence a few times I must admit.

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      1. I remember exactly how I felt when he said that…

        Firstly, I was touched that he seemed so concerned about hurting me. That made me feel as though I could trust him implicitly, I mean here was a guy who was openly saying he *didn’t* want to be something bad in my life (therefore, in my mind, he’d be doing whatever he could do be a source of happiness and comfort – ha! how wrong I was!).

        Then, when he started the ‘discard and devalue’ phase, I accepted treatment I would *never* have tolerated from anyone else, after all I knew he didn’t want to hurt me, so it wasn’t intentional… There must be some other reason etc etc. And then when I’d had enough and would call him on it, he’d be shocked, appalled, and all would be well for a few days, and then he’d go silent on me for no reason…

        Round and round we went…..

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      2. Thanks for adding that detail Megan. Your experience exemplifies exactly how it works “it wasn’t intentional” is just what we want you to think and when you work out it is all carefully orchestrated it is too late.

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  3. I can catagorically say this article is spot on.
    I’ve been there and been squashed.
    Mine said I have very bad moods and sometimes not a nice person to be around. It’s best to leave me be for a week or so when I get like that. I’ll message you when my mood lifts. I don’t want to hurt you I know how much you’ve been hurt before. I’d never do that it would be like hurting a puppy. !

    What a joke he’s devastated my life. 😔

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  4. Interestingly enough, hearing your lines you use to lie down the gauntlet, immediately trigger me. I’m sitting here thinking, I’ve heard a couple of those a time or two before and behaved exactly as you said, as a challenge that I will be the one who surpasses the weaker minded who caved on a potentially great relationship. Should I meet someone who excited me and attracted me, it would not deter me to hear those things. In fact, it would up the ante on the thrill factor initially and keep me glued in. So, now I have to teach myself to actually run the other way when hearing those catch phrases, because they are literally true. Great lesson plan in Narcs101 today. This will be most beneficial to me.

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  5. Interesting! I do not recall him say anything like this in the beginning. Maybe he felt so sure of me already, or maybe I forgot since it was over 4 years ago. But, what I do remember is, that as soon as he started with his hurtful behaviors, he would always assure me that “he didn’t mean it”, “he only wanted me to be happy”. The past year, when I have asked him a hundred times to leave me alone, he has agreed, looked “sad” and said: “Of course, I understand you. I never ever want to hurt you. You know that. I just want you to be happy”. Then, a week later, he hoovers me to get some attention, or sometimes sex. (Like what he said a week earlier, never had been said)… Wow, your blog really does always help me to stay in reality, haha. 👍Happy holidays! 🎄🎁

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  6. Yup this is definitely a great lesson. I make careful note of anyone who tries to tell me who they are in the early stages of a friendship now.

    When someone shows you who they are. Beleive them the first time! Maya Angelou.

    And I bloody well will lol

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  7. I heard once ” the less you are with me the better for you” … 😖😖😖 what should I expect?? Until now nothing came after that sentence…

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  8. I remember that bolder… At first I didn’t realize it would be so heavy or that the hill would be so steep. I dug in and I pushed. I spent all of my time, energy and focus. Just as you said it would, the bolder rolled over me; It flattened me. I laid there thinking I was paralyzed. After what felt like ages I realized I was still alive… it took time for those broken pieces to heal. However, my journey was not over. I found myself once again walking up that hill but this time the bolder remained below me. It is no longer my burden. I am now free.

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    1. Bravo. Stunning. How are you now, Angel? I am just starting that climb with the boulder finally behind me. It’s slow going but I’m making full use of the HG Mountain Climbing Survival Guide (his books and posts)!

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      1. I no longer see the ground where my shattered peices once lay. I have climbed higher than that brokenness could reach. There where trips and falls, scrapes and bruises, and even a few wrong turns along the way; it was hard. Sometimes I even forgot the bolder was beneath me… I was so used to carrying the burden of it. Every day I feel gratefull that I let it go and decided to climb again. Healing is possible. Freedom is priceless. Grow in grace. The summit is so worth the climb.

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    1. Leslie
      Yep been there my ex everytime even on the final discard was saying I’m no good for you you need a proper boyfriend, I’ve who’s there for you. On the final discard he said its for the best there’s no one else. He was married 14 weeks later. Unbelievable aren’t they,

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      1. I allowed him to hook me in the beginning and even now he has my heart…he has never left me in the 6yrs we’ve been together and I’m the one trying to walk away now. They are unbelievable…I can’t say if he has ever cheated and I don’t care…I don’t bother going through his stuff to find out. I would be extatic if he moved on! Me, Im a tough gal and can handle all kinds of disarray in my life….as for being lonely…I always attract narcs trying to get a taste. I just need to take the blind fold off and enjoy myself for awhile.

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      2. Leslie
        We need to work on building a narc defence wall to keep them out. Feels a bit like a zombie apocalypse sometimes ha ha. I attract them to, like bees round the honey pot.
        Glad you’re strong 😊my narc has my heart to. One day it will be all mine again. Need to focus on myself and as you say take the blindfold off and enjoy myself to for awhile.

        Have a good Christmas. 😊😊

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      1. Freedom while I agree with you I am fairly confidant I will make the same mistake again. It isn’t because I want to but I get caught up in the fairy tale of it all, I see the “fake pain” that they posses and I want to be the magical healer of hearts. I will tell you that I WILL NOT allow one to move in with me again though… I have had enough of the possessive narc. I need to breath, I don’t like to be told what to do, when or how to do it.
        So here is to a new year and at least trying to mosey on down to the right path and much freedom in life! 🙂

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      2. Hi Leslie

        I did the same for a few years. He’d tell me of his pain, his depression, how he feared I would leave him for someone else said he couldn’t help it as his exes had cheated on him. There were tears and him hugging me telling me I was the best thing that bad ever happened to him and he didn’t ever want to lose me. But that was all forgotten when he ended up on another continent I wasn’t to hand so be got someone else and I was just discarded so all the things he had said lies. We can’t help believing people we are caring loving individuals and they know just how to work us. Yes we need to try and keep to the path no easy ride though. I never moved in with him due to my ex husbands treatment wasn’t going there again. Think this is what annoyed him, he’s manage to marry this one quickly. Hope she knows what she’s doing but I doubt it very much.

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  9. It was quite funny when mine first did that to me. It was a day or so after we’d first kissed and I was the one who said to him that I should leave. My reasons were genuine though as i didn’t want this to happen for many reasons. He’d love bombed me for six months before we kissed.

    Anyway, as soon as I said this to him he quickly said the same, like he was really annoyed that I had got in there first.

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  10. I first met my ex narc way back in the 70s when I was 18. I’d recently been dumped by my first love of my life and my dad had died 18 months earlier. We were never in a relationship back then, but we became good friends writing to each other regularly, HG your piece on love letters really struck a chord! I was a super empath back then, open to the world. Over two years we remained on and off in contact with a couple of weekend romps. My lasting memory is after the first weekend, he took me to the station and said to me, “You’re like an open book. Be careful as one day you may get hurt”. In retrospect it was almost as if he had a prescient knowledge of 30 years down the line when he rediscovered me again, and again I was very susceptible, my husband was dying. He put in the hooks then disappeared no doubt biding his time, popping back up in my life a year later no doubt realising I would have been widowed the previous year.
    It sickens me now, to think that I’d become an old source of fuel to be replayed when the fancy took him. This time around though I credited him with being my soul mate and gave him unconditional love. Needless to say this was an affair, he was looking for the life he felt “he deserved” after his wife had chosen his children over him, despite him choosing her for her motherly skills. I guess it was easy for him to keep up the mask for me, our relationship was long distance with only a few days together at a time. I saw it slip gradually though that’s when I started to test him, that’s when I knew that something was not right.
    I came away bewildered but felt a stronger person by keeping my dignity and walking away.
    Since I ended the relationship I have found that my emotions have flattened, I feel the passion that burned in me has waned, maybe not a bad thing…

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  11. I’m definitely not a Narc, but I told such phrases to people too. I warned them, because I didn’t want to hurt them. I’m a solo player mostly and I knew that soner or later I would leave them, and I didn’t want any regrets and recriminations after that.

    Interesting, that this tactic was used not for attraction, but for discourage. And I really meant it.

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