Always on the Fake

Fakery, fabrication and lies are the bricks and mortar of our existence. They are the bread and butter that enable us to have sustenance. I know that when you look back at the golden period you always struggle to understand that it was not real. You cannot fathom out how something that felt so right, so true and so real could actually be something so false. Our behaviour seemed so genuine. Our declarations of undying love so moving and emotive, how could this be a façade? Yes you thought occasionally that we were a little over the top but you found that endearing. The reason it seemed so genuine is because our performance was so convincing. This performance was of such a high calibre owing to two things. The first because we have practised repeatedly and we possess experienced ease at mimicking the behaviour of others. We have done it so often and to so many people we do it without thinking. And there is the neat segue into the second reason. We do it without thinking because we believe it to be absolutely the right thing to do. We are not concerned that we are exhibiting a false front to you. We are not troubled by the fact that all our smiles, kisses and pleasantries are manufactured. Not only are we not burdened by this because we are not designed to be burdened by such concerns it also because we have the complete and utter conviction that behaving in this manner is the right thing to do. We need to seduce you. We need to ensnare you and what better way to do so than by this campaign of love and desire? Where is the harm in that? We get you where we want you, we receive dollops of delicious fuel and you feel loved, wanted and placed on a throne at the top of a pedestal. It is a win- win surely?

Does it really matter that your bag is a fake Louis Vuitton? It holds objects, feels the same and looks the same, so where it the problem? That Blu-ray disc is not a genuine licensed film but you can still watch it all the same with next to no deterioration in viewing pleasure, so again, what is the issue? Our fakery works for you and it works for us.

Our façade to the world of being charming, reliable and wonderful despite that particular mask being removed behind closed doors again is just a necessary device. How does it matter than friends and family are conned? They like me, they admire me and they believe me so where again is the harm in that? Yes, they may not believe what you have to say about me based on my façade but that is your fault. If you had kept up the flow of fuel this would not have to happen. Everyone else out there is in blissful ignorance and you want to change that. You want them to see what you claim is the real me. Why? All you will do is upset and alarm them. Is it not better that they remain shrouded in the illusion, content and unaware,rather than be subjected to the concern and worry that you seem intent on burdening them with? Why must you project your problems on to other people?

Even when I denigrate and berate you this too is merely manufactured. I do not really mean those horrible things that I say and do. I just do them because I have to. I have to keep you in your place, under my control and spewing out that negative fuel that I crave so much. If you had kept up the supply of decent quality fuel I would not have to say these things to you to provoke a reaction. I only do it because I must, I do not mean any of it. Even when you ignite my fury my hateful words and spiteful comments through this explosive fury is only based on a necessity to protect myself from your awful criticism of me. I do not mean it, it just has to happen. Do you understand now why it is not my fault? There is no real intent behind what I say and do, they are just merely actions which serve a purpose to ensure I get the fuel that I need.

From my seduction, through to my façade to everyone else and even my devaluing of you, it is all based on a fabrication. A necessary set of illusions required to preserve my existence. No matter who I deal with, who I interact with or who comes within my sphere of influence, I roll out the lies, the untruths and the perfidy. Everything I say or do is manufactured but I have an utter conviction in the necessity of this manufactured process so that this, couple with an absence of conscience or remorse enables me to churn out the lies and illusions like a factory production line.

I am always on the fake. And that’s the truth.

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32 thoughts on “Always on the Fake”

  1. I’m so sorry that I have been horrible to you, I didn’t know that my doubts and words were so hurtful (to your illusions). I will NEVER (fingers crossed) doubt you or question the inconsistencies (it must be tiring to keep every story together) again!

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  2. Would you also define yourself as a sociopath? There seem to be blurred lines between the definition of a sociopath and a narcissist. In your experience, could it be possible to have several traits of each disorder and successfully combine them to form an entirely different entity?

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      1. Ah…the plot “thinnens.” The mother influence. I imagine you will divulge her impact (probably in a book) so I will be left wanting because you know I will never read one of your books. If your mother was/is anything like Losers’ mama….I can certainly understand why you are the way you are.

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  3. Standing ovation on that right there. I absolutely believe you on this one. I had the inkling this was the case with N’s, but to hear you “admit” it (for lack of a better term), I feel a vindication, of sorts.

    Now for some fuel: Thank you for having the cojones to put your inner workings, thoughts, and manipulations on the chopping block for all to see. To bring the narcs out of the proverbial closet. I don’t believe anybody else has truly conveyed the ups and downs side of this disorder as you have. (and, yes, I know, you don’t necessarily consider it a negative affliction). With that said, I’m curious if there are some voices in your head that aren’t nearly as conceitedly convinced of your superiority as your main voice is?

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    1. Thanks SS I am pleased you found the article interesting and the blog as a whole. There is a dissenting voice but we don’t listen to him. He is shut away. Most of the time.

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  4. 1) Have you ever considered being an actor in Hollywood? I thought that with my narc ex he would probably win some awards… so maybe that would be a good career for you..? 😀 2) Ok, more seriously now, I (and my heart) caught on to your words in one sentence.. that you do this, because “you have to”… that is utterly sad, to me… It does not really sound like freedom, it sounds like you must behave this way, to avoid the beast… 3) I still hold my hopes, that you can live a more authentic life, and have real love for someone. Cause it just doesn’t compare to this “fakery” that you describe. Brilliantly describe by the way, as always.. sending you “a very real wish” to look deeper into yourself. Cheers/Survived. (P.S. resisted 2 hoovers now! :D).

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    1. How do you know I am not an actor already? In the professional sense? With regards to your second point, you are correct. In respect of your third point, thank you for your kind wishes. There is further introspection schedules with the good doctors. I don’t think it will be pretty but I shall keep your posted.

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      1. I do not know. It was just an impression from a post I remembered, where it seemed more like you were some sort of businessman. I remember how you described that you put that other guy’s ideas to shame… seemed like more of an office setting or something. But I could be wrong. Am looking forward to more of your introspections. 🙂

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  5. Brilliant as always. So there is no real you. Not the golden start, not the golden middle, not the devaluation… What color is the chameleon? Green? Brown? Blue?
    Depends on the color of the place where they are right?

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      1. Turquoise blue. I have it everywhere : a fingerring, clothes, underwear, bedsheets, curtains… 😃 love it

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      2. Why? Are your eyes lapislazuli color?? In eyes its all tones and shaded of blue until grayish that fascinate me 😃😃💙💙

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      3. Hahahah.. Laughing out loud at this ..Ex narcs developed a penchant for Purple, to the point of redecorating his bedroom in it .. Just so happens his new supply loves it . .

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  6. Ex-N boyfriend had a loud laugh at times that seemed very fake to me. Especially after spending private time with him. He couldn’t care less if other people were happy. Most of the time, he only made disparaging remarks about people. They were an “idiot” or he would find something about their appearance to bash.
    He knew how to put on a fake personality. He did it often in his former job as an entertainer in a Ladies Club.

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  7. I must have emotional trauma that is in my subconscious mind. Here lately, I’ve been waking up having nightmares! That did not happen until I started reading your books at bedtime.
    I have heard that what you think about at bedtime marinates in your subconscious mind for the next 7-8 hours while you sleep. I need to go back to meditation before I fall asleep.

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  8. I’m not religious by any measure. This, however, is gospel. I do believe this to be truth. When something is discovered and realized by both resonance and experience, the impact is both profound and everlasting. Truth is truth. There’s no denying it, regardless of any form of emotion, wishes or agenda on the reader’s part.
    In reference to your reply to survivednarc: “There is further introspection schedules with the good doctors. I don’t think it will be pretty but I shall keep your posted.” I too, share the hope that you continue your “therapy” and introspection and perhaps find genuine love and joy in your life; whether it be for yourself, with others or both. Til then enjoy being you…needless to say, you do it so well 🙂
    In gratitude, as always, thank you so much for sharing your world.

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