What You Swore Before

I have lost count of the times that I have been told “never again”. I have heard it said by other people who have met my kind even more often. I am entirely relaxed when I hear this phrase because I know that although your intentions are to never go through that dance again with me or one of my kind, it will happen. We may be gone for some time but we will return and when we do we will resurrect all those wonderful memories as we seek to Hoover you back into our reality. The emotional attachment that we create is so great that even though you looked in the mirror every morning and mouthed “Never again” to yourself you will struggle to resist. You cannot help but wonder if this time it will be different. You do not want to say no for fear of someone else receiving our amazing and scintillating love. You want it. You learned the lessons and as the introspective empath that you are (as well as suitably conditioned by us) you will blame certain things on yourself. You will convince yourself, because you want to taste that mesmerising kiss once again, that we have changed and that this time it will be different. Why should someone else get to experience that wonderful love? That is not fair. You put up with the rough and the smooth. You have earned your stripes so it is only right that you get to have us again isn’t it? That is what you want. When we first departed and you saw (for we wanted you to see) that we had found someone new it ripped you apart. Notwithstanding the full horror of your dance with us you hated the fact that someone else now basked in our glorious light. You wanted to warn them not because you cared about that person but because you wanted us back. You wanted us to yourselves. You felt a sense of unfairness that she was now with us. You would lie awake wondering if I was saying the same things to her as I had said to you. You wondered how she would respond to that blazing, heavenly love that you once relished. Would I be the same for her as I was to you? You kept telling yourself that it was only a matter of time before she befell the same fate that you endured, yet the postings and pictures told a different story. You began to worry. Had I changed? Had I become a better person after you? Was she somehow able to please me in a way that you could not? You had to know. You had sworn never again but now you wanted me back. You wanted her to go away and free me to be yours again so that you could apply your learned lessons and everything would be wonderful again. She did not deserve me did she? But you did. You made such sacrifices. You opened your heart to me despite the daggers I drove into it. You served your time and you are entitled to your reward. Not this Jane-come-lately. You want to give us that chance to prove we can do it. You want to show you brought benign influence to bear. You want to prove that the beast can be brought to heel in the most compassionate manner. You might say never again but you do not truly mean it. Not in your heart of hearts.

By contrast when we say “Never again” we most definitely mean it. Never again will your life be the same after meeting us. Never again will you feel able to trust anybody after being subjected to our acid reign. Never again will you be able to smell certain scents, hear certain songs and see certain places without breaking down in tears. Never again will you love someone in the way that you loved us. Never again will you want somebody as much and in such an intense way as you wanted us. Never again will you be able to feel calm and relaxed since for too long you have been subjected to a heightened state of anxiety. Never again will you experience that euphoria you once had with us. So when you declare never again it is never truly meant, but what you fail to realise is just how many things will never again be the same for you.

85 thoughts on “What You Swore Before

  1. Antonella Marinetti says:

    Yes… never again…

  2. Violet says:

    Is there a reason why no narcissist has ever come back to hoover me?
    I know at least 5. I wouldn’t say I fell in love, more a kind of adolescent curiosity and desire for male best friends.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Violet,

      1. Are you sure they did not hoover you? Sometimes people do not recognise a hoover when it happens.
      2. If you are confident on that point then it must be that there was no Hoover Trigger and if there was the Hoover Execution Criteria was not met.
      Would you consider that you were appointed as a primary source to any of these narcissists?

  3. maybe we should all seek truth and if we find it put our trust in that
    1 truth we all all ready know-we all know how we feel-feelings evolved long before the english language
    maybe some might know what they want to believe in

  4. Sheila says:

    I think HG is just trying to keep us off balance and in doubt… a classic N maneuver, Freedom! lol

    1. Freedom says:

      Most certainly a classic narc move ha ha x

  5. Sheila says:

    I’m confused… I’m not sure whether I’m one of HG’s harem or if I’ve now been converted to the N-side…. I suppose I’d better wait and see if my N-card arrives in the post LOL

    1. malignnarc says:

      You are in the harem, far too much empathy flowing to be one of us.

      1. Sheila says:

        Naughty HG, trying to make me think I was one of you!

      2. alexis2015s says:

        I’m interested how perceptive you are HG. On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate my level of empathy based on our interaction so far.

        1. malignnarc says:

          What are the parameters? 1 being very little empathy and 10 being super empathic?

          1. alexis2015s says:

            Yes HG

          2. alexis2015s says:

            Haha I should have known better than to ask a question like that, even in my drunken state.

          3. malignnarc says:

            I choose seven.

    2. Freedom says:

      Sheila I’m going to be waiting for my postman everyday wondering if my narc card arrives. 😳😳😳

  6. Nikita says:

    sheila I was a passionate animal rescuer also but On the contrary I always had a policeman on my side. Please do tell us about it when you can disclose it. I wonder how you break the law with animal protection… Is it against animal testing??
    I did make part of a protest against bullfighting though. Enraged my parents 😂😂😂
    It was tough in Canada for me with all this hunting and the story with the seals 😓
    I think we would get along very well 😀

    1. Sheila says:

      In this instance it’s not about animal testing – which is another thing that makes my blood boil – I will let you know about it when everyone is in the clear and safe. Even after 76 hours of work this week I’m floating on air in anticipation of what’s about to happen.
      I know that you and I would get on very well together, Nikita… even if we have to share HG! 😉

    2. Sheila says:

      The coast is clear… in my province it’s illegal to have a ‘pitbull’ breed dog, they have been banned through a breed specific law. I’m part of a group that mainly transports rescue animals from Quebec high kill pounds to rescues in Ontario. Quebec is notorious for puppy mills and a high turn over of young dogs turned into the pound to be replaced for new puppies. They typically have 5 days to be adopted and any remaining after 5 days are killed. We have a 3 day a week regular transport by volunteers that works with rescues in the Greater Toronto Area who take in these dogs to foster homes. We drive them relay-style the 6 hour trip to safety. I’m also part of an underground transport that smuggles pitbulls heading to rescue out of province. Two more just came through, over-nighted at an undisclosed location and caught their plane to Alberta, a province with no ban on the breed.
      I know I could have told you sooner, but until the dogs were aboard the plane and in the air, I’m always worried for their safety. A pitbull caught in Ontario has an automatic death sentence.

      1. Freedom says:

        Fantastic work Sheila, glad they made it to safety. Keep up the good work xxx

      2. Nikita says:

        Hi sheila. Thanks for the story. Well done. Wish you best of lucks with the pitbull puppies. Its incredible sad how animals have to suffer because of human doing. Continue the good job and my forces for you from here.
        In my country there were no such laws but illegal pitbullfights 😢 in the least favored social parts of the city. My last dog before I came here was a rescue from such a place. He was sick and we found him apart from the others. Of course he had learned anger and to attack but 14 years there was never a big problem. But he could be fury 😂 like HG.
        good luck and well done again X

  7. Nikita says:

    Freedom they are all the same… 😓.
    But with HG its okay. We can share him. We can even now welcome Laurel on the club.😁

    1. Freedom says:

      Welcome to the club laurel 😊😊

  8. nikita says:

    Alexis sorry to dissapoint you but he said that to me too. WE are soulmates and that he would never let me down and that he had been feeling lonely and sad and that I was the only one who could make him happy….
    Should we believe him that this time its going to be different ?
    I wonder what he told Freedom.? And I am suspecting maybe Sheila is also on the list together with you and me.
    I feel like crying because I think he is just never going to change. It will always go from you to me to her and to her and back to me and back to you……. OMG.

    1. Freedom says:

      Nikita do you mean HG or my ex either way said the same more or less as said to you

    2. alexis2015s says:

      I don’t beleive you nikita ! He already warned me about you, he said you’d do this. You’re just trying to break us up. He only loves me !! We’re going to get married soon !

      1. Nikita says:

        Alexis you are falling for this again!!!! He told me the same… Seems he is telling all girls the same

      2. Nikita says:

        But you know what!!! The idea of sharing such a charming N is even thrilling 😂😂😂

        1. alexis2015s says:

          Upside down he’s Turning us, upside down, boy he turns us inside out and round and round…………..

  9. nikita says:

    My love for you increases every day, with every posting and every comment. I find you more and more interesting and fascinating. And when I imagine youre blue eyes then even more and more ….

    1. malignnarc says:

      I’m all yours naturally.

      1. Nikita says:

        I take you all 😊❤️

  10. nikita says:

    This is all true what you said. There is this relationship with one of your kind that will be the person you most ever loved, where you will feel the happiest in your life, where you could not wait to be with this person, and when you were with them you just wanted the clock to stop so you would not be a minute with out this person … all this is true….
    I rember that last august when I met him at the lake after two month breakup and 1.5 month hoover. I could not wait to see him and it was the most beautiful and exciting night at the lake, parties were going on around, the night was starred, the fire was burning, the cool breeze, the wine, the food, the laughter… I went to bed thinkin this is one of the happiest days of my life, I could even compare it with giving birth..
    So yes HG all what you say above is true…

    According to RR. this is nothing more than an addicition that can be cured with Self love. What do you think about this theory HG ?

    And according to me the price to pay for all these moments of extasy can get too high to be afforded and this helps to let go and one day say, I dont want this anymore, even if it was the best of my life.
    So you understand it from the addiction point of view or you understand it from the pain pleasure principle point of view.
    But either way its a hard and painful path to understand this,

    1. malignnarc says:

      I can understand the addiction point. Clarece has raised previously how our brain chemistry is altered by our behaviour so we become addicted to the rush we get from it. I know I am addicted to fuel. I am not sure about how self love is the cure. I have no problem loving my self.

      1. nikita says:

        very funny we all know you love yourself without difficulties, – we love you too 🙂 – so I rephrase maybe making the connection to Chained.
        RR says that the only way to beat the addiction to the dysfunctional relationship with the N is by increasing self love from the Empaths/codependants side and the treatment is called Curing codependency by getting over childhood trauma.
        Maybe Rachel could answer this question on how was the way her codependency was treated and she did not longer need the addiction to Ethan ? Is she now free from those kind of relationship with men ? I imagine she found another empath like her and lives happily ever after?

        By the way it was funny to read this morning this tweet where this lady could not believe on how so many readers fall for you in the blog, Im one of them yes 🙂 together with Alexis and Freedom. Your first line of admirers 🙂

        1. malignnarc says:

          Rachael has never given me the detail of how she treated her co-dependency, I don’t really care but if I remember when I next speak to her I will ask her if it is along the lines of this increased self-love. I of course am delighted if anybody wants to increase their love of me, especially from my first line of admirers !

        2. Freedom says:

          Hold on there Nikita,
          I’m not doing that dance again with a Narc. Sorry HG I’m in it I my for the knowledge 😊😊😊

          …..unless this time it will be different and you’ll only have eyes for me ha ha ha

          1. malignnarc says:

            Very good. You know I only have eyes for you. You are the one. We are soulmates.

  11. DD says:

    You know, I think I understand how you feel Lisa. 2 years later, I think of it as being akin to living with the knowledge that some stalker wants you dead….(sorry if that sounds dramatic but I mean it.) You can build up a line of defenses over time and as always you have every right to live your life! Fully. As you see fit.

  12. Lisa says:

    This makes me want to shoot myself. My mind is still tortured from the abuse and now to add to it it’ll never be “never again”?! I know it’s right as when I was reading it that sickening “hopeful” feeling came back that maybe there’s going to be another chance. A chance for what?? More abuse?

  13. Freedom says:

    I’m afraid I’m with the others HG never again means exactly that. Yes I’d like the person I fell in love with back but I know that person doesn’t really exist. Maybe mine has gone too far and been a little negligent or underestimated my ability to unravel some of his antics.
    When I said to my ex narc if ever I discovered he’d cheated that would be then end I truly think he was intelligent enough to realise I actually meant it and he cut his losses.

    They’re not all as good as you HG 😊

  14. A says:

    You are ever so clever malignnarc. You have us thirsty for and then eagerly lapping up each post. Wonder if anyone else here is able to see the irony? Except you, that is. But I do appreciate your ability to enlighten us.

    1. malignnarc says:

      Hello A, thank you. Feel free to drink deep.

  15. V says:

    Just out of curiosity ( I’m sure I know how you will answer) how do YOU feel when you are being hovered, love bombed and then finally the silence of the other going away?

    1. malignnarc says:

      I am not love-bombed. Love bombing is an artificial device to seduce. The love I receive is genuine and gives me positive fuel. I am not hovered. Those who want to be with me cling on and continue to provide me with fuel by their emotionally charged attempts to hang on. If someone opts to be silent with me however I hate it. I cannot stand to be ignored and I will do all I can to end the silence.

      1. V says:

        Let me rephrase……. What are you’re real thoughts when somebody is desperately trying to pull you back in after you have left them?

        1. malignnarc says:

          So long as they are giving me fuel they can try all they like. I decide if I let them back in and I decide alone.

  16. alexis2015s says:

    Haha oh wow HG !!

    What can I say ??

    It is definitely Never Again for me !!

    I did have sympathy at first for his next victims. But not anymore as he mostly goes for the PDs anyway.

    Bloody good luck to them is all I can say !!!

    1. please educate me-whats PDs ?+i think i like some word salads especialy with the right dressing and walnuts are said to be good for the brain-so maybe i should eat more of them

      1. alexis2015s says:

        PDs refers to people with a personality disorder, be it narcissistic, histrionic, antisocial or borderline.

        Yes, word salads can be fun Kelvin. I use them a lot too. In fact I’ve noticed I do a lot of things which tick a few boxes. But I’m not an N though.

        How about you ?

        1. i think we can all tick a lot of boxes-and maybe we are all the same in some ways and all different in others +totaly unique in others with varying susceptibilities?to certain attitudes+???

          1. alexis2015s says:

            Oh my Kelvin

  17. Sheila says:

    Never again truly does mean never again for me. Scents, songs, places – no issue. I learned not to divulge the things that have true significance to me too early in a relationship. I keep what matters to me only for me and it will take a very long time for a person in my life to earn the right to have that info. I’ve danced with too many N’s to give away the secrets they want to uncover and use against me in the devaluation stage. I must be frustrating to N’s when they play the ‘What’s your favourite _____?’ game. My general response.. I have none (that I’ll tell you about)… or too many to choose one specifically. Or I throw in a red herring and see if they take it and how they’ll play with it.
    I think I’ve become a little jaded in my old age? I don’t mind though, I enjoy my own company more then trying to figure out the motives and intentions of a new relationship.

    1. foolme1 says:

      Sheila I agree with you!! Never again! To old to play all his games!! In fact I’m honestly to good for him! I think what we all have to remember is just how wonderful we are!! Remember he mirrors us not the other way around, with out us he us nothing!!

      1. Freedom says:

        Well said foolme1 😊

    2. does everybody have to always know what there motives are or have any intentions apart from being free and being there selves like the weather ?

      1. Sheila says:

        When you’ve been N-fuel for the length of time I have, it becomes necessary for survival to question motives and intentions to avoid being ensnared by another N. I’d love to believe that everyone’s intentions are 100% pure, but that would be naive and dangerous.

        1. malignnarc says:

          You can trust me though Sheila. Honest.

          1. Sheila says:

            Oh I know I can HG *flutters eyelashes & twirls her long curly red hair*
            You would never manipulate me for fuel xo

          2. malignnarc says:

            What even if you could rescue this puppy into the bargain too?

          3. Sheila says:

            Oh a PUPPY! Let me see, let me see! Who’s puppy is it?

          4. malignnarc says:

            It’s a miniature schnauzer and he wants to be your friend. Just like me.

          5. Sheila says:

            *Squeals over the tiny little bundle of puppy love* Oh HG can I hold it and shower it with love. What a great person you must be, I’d love to be your friend 🙂

          6. malignnarc says:

            Of course you can. Come here boy and meet Sheila. You need not be nervous though as his narc is worse than his bite.

          7. Sheila says:

            *Scoops up puppy and runs to her vehicle, jumps in, locks doors and grabs CB radio*

            “Dispatch this is RedRover1, over”

            “Roger, RedRover1, what’s your emergency?”

            “Just picked up a young, salt & pepper male miniature schnauzer puppy. He was being used as bait in a documented Narc-manipulation ploy. Suspect has a history of dog abandonment documented and self-confessed. I’m bringing him in for standard scan and health check. Can you check for possibly stolen puppy reports in the area? ETA at home Vet in 30, will advise once scanned if there is a chip and forward info. over”

            “Copy that RedRover1”

          8. malignnarc says:

            Ha ha that made me laugh,very good. I would write more but I am on the telephone to the police as someone has just grabbed my dog and bundled him into a vehicle. I will soon have PC Conkerbollocks after you.

          9. Sheila says:

            I thought it would make you smile HG. All’s fair in love and rescue. I am not above breaking the law.. and have… when it comes to the welfare of animals. I daresay if I didn’t have support in the right and secret places that I’d be in a lot of trouble 😉

          10. malignnarc says:

            The Animal Crusader is amongst us!

          11. Sheila says:

            Yes she is… and if you want to creep my Facebook sometime on Sunday, you’ll see that I’m about to break the law yet again… I won’t post until the animals are safe and I can disclose the info 😉

          12. malignnarc says:

            Sheila, the end always justifies the means and you have no respect for boundaries. Shall I press you a Narc Club membership card?

          13. Sheila says:

            Boundaries with people, yes I have respect for those… boundaries for stupid laws about animals that have zero respect for the animals?… nope, I have no boundaries… does that make me a non-human species narc? Interesting food for thought, no?

          14. malignnarc says:

            Stupid laws eh? Always some one else’s fault isn’t it Sheila?

          15. Sheila says:

            Indeed it is.. I will lobby government and protest with my last breath until those laws are changed and animals are treated with respect. If being the voice, for animals that have none, to seek better treatment makes me a Narc in your eyes… I don’t care. It’s not being narcissistic at all, it’s being a decent person to all the Creator’s creatures that share this planet with me.

          16. Nikita says:

            My message left to quick. I see it now. In my country protesting is not again the law…
            I agree with you animal protection does not make anybody a narcissist. You give so much of yourself… I cried myself to sleep.

          17. Freedom says:

            If it does makes us narcs Sheila, I work with a lab rescue. I’d kill to protect an innocent animal. So HG best do my a narc club card to.

          18. Freedom says:

            It would be funny if that weren’t so close to home. My ex got a rescue choccie lab after my lab died. Said he could bare to see me so lost without her. I was like a mother who’d lost her child. I didn’t want another but he did it anyway. The novelty wore off now I take care I her.

          19. malignnarc says:

            Oh I know you are a big dog lover Sheila.What is the chocolate Labrador called?

          20. Freedom says:

            Naughty HG calling me Sheila !!
            Don’t be trying that here you’ve taught me too well 😊😊

          21. malignnarc says:

            Ha ha quite alright Freedom you are just so similarly wonderful.

        2. i pray to all that is truly good and real that i would want what (i am what i am ) wants me to want -more than any other desire -then i am free to try and do what i want- but i am sometimes up against some seemingly large obstacles-are my motives pure ?

      2. alexis2015s says:

        Kelvin, is this some kind of word salad ?

        1. malignnarc says:

          Are there any walnuts in there?

  18. Wow. Really cool post. What happens when you meet a woman who is exactly like you? Is there just a nod and an unspoken understanding?
    I really enjoyed this post!

    1. malignnarc says:

      Thanks Laurel. Do you mean if I meet someone who is a narc as well?

      1. Yes. What’s the protocol for that case?

      2. Maddie says:

        do tell us, what will the algorithm look like on that case…if she was a Narc. ..

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