A Missive From Mother

Do you remember Dr M? The fine suit wearing doctor with the soon to be worn away crotch? Of course you do. Well as you will recall the first consultation ended in a resounding victory to me as I kept him at bay with my silent treatment. I fair floated out of his consulting room and exited onto the cold street outside. Two days after this trouncing of Dr M I received a letter. I knew straight away who it was from. She always used 100gsm manila C5 envelopes. The quality and weight of the envelope was something she was fastidious about. She would often snort at personal letters which arrived in anything which was white and below the weight she preferred. I naturally recognised her immaculate copperplate handwriting as well. I knew what would be contained in the enclosed letter but I read it anyway.

“Dear HG

To sin by silence when they should protest makes cowards of men.

Speak up or suffer the consequences.

With fondness

Mother”

I tore the letter up. Her hypocrisy was evident once again. There she was chastising me for remaining silent with Dr M when all through her life (or at least that much that I could actually recall) she had used silence. Silence to convey her fury with anyone who had not given her what she wanted. Silence to let people know that they were in the wrong. Silence to hurt. Silence to control. Silence to compel. The High Priestess of Hush was admonishing me for saying nothing. She should be praising me but then I had come to expect this. I keenly observed her deportment. Impeccable manners, politeness, punctuality and high standards. Shoes must always be black for men, there is no brown in town. A Windsor knot in my tie (I had to learn at ten years old to do it myself. I can remember standing in the living room with the tears of frustration trickling down my face as I was scolded for getting it wrong once again). Never wear white shirts unless it is a funeral or you are an airline pilot. Oh or a police officer. At dinner remember to ask “Do you know the Bishop of Norwich?” and “Is your passport in order?” All her lectures I absorbed and obeyed and most of all I learned all about her use of silence. I had done exactly as I should when dealing with someone who was trying to undermine me. That Dr M was trying to unnerve me and make him the superior being in the room. He soon came undone when faced by the Tudor Icewall. I did precisely the right thing but there we are it was the wrong thing according to the Duchess of Disdain. I did not take kindly to the threat contained in the letter either but I could not ignore it. And she knew that. Of course she knew that. She fires off one of her standard howitzer quotations in order to gain the high ground. Typically she was economic with her writing too.

“No letter should ever be more than a page in length, any more and you are waffling.”

I can hear her saying that now. Mind you, she was right about that and was right about most things, I am like her in that respect, that much I will concede. Nevertheless I did not welcome this diktat and hurled the torn pieces of paper on the floor before I stormed out of my house. I felt wounded by this correspondence. She could always wound me so easily with her letters. Whenever she wanted to set me straight she would send me a letter. It was like a papal bull and it always made me feel crippled. Whenever I received one of these letters I could feel the scorching criticism tearing through me and I needed to douse it. I needed to find a salve for the affliction. It was no good confronting her. She would only make matters worse. No others would pay in order to ease my suffering and pay they did.

I lambasted the girl on reception at the office for not having her hair tied up and found three other petty reasons to tear a strip off her. She was soon in tears. I threw a report from a junior colleague back at him and told him to come back when he had learned how to do joined-up writing. I told my secretary her forthcoming extended weekend break was cancelled because there was too much work to do. I removed another colleague from leading a team and appointed one of his peers instead. I knew from her grateful smile and thankful gaze that I had credit to be used from between her legs and I would readily do so by the end of the day. I wrote some disgusting graffiti about a head of department in one of the cubicles in the gentlemens’ bathroom. I got my secretary to ring the restaurant where I did most of my entertaining and as I stood listening she was instructed to tell them that their sablefish was sub-standard and for that reason my expense account would be used at a competitor establishment. The manager of the restaurant rang four times to apologise and sent a bottle of champagne in order to try and win back my patronage. I called my sister and told her how useless she was and she was never to ring me ever again. I cancelled a meeting and spent two hours blitzing three fuel prospects with texts, ensuring the content became progressively filthier. I telephoned my then girlfriend and explained I had to take someone else out for dinner in the evening and put the phone down on her. I was a whirlwind of malice throughout the rest of the day until as 6pm approached I realised the horrible burning inside had ceased and I felt cleansed. I sat at my desk and dragged my hand across my face relieved to have overcome the weakness that threatened to topple me as a consequence of that single sheet of paper with the minimum of words etched upon it.

I opened one of the drawers on my desk and selected a single heavy sheet of cream paper. I set it straight before me and taking up my fountain pen I began to write.

“Mother dearest,

The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent. Dr M will listen.

Yours

HG”

I slid the letter in the envelope and smiled. She would be proud of me this time, surely?

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85 thoughts on “A Missive From Mother”

  1. Extremely enlightening to your development, HG. Thank you for gifting us the uncensored look into your relationship with your Monster… err… Mother.

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  2. Wow. I thought Loser was the only man who used the Windsor knot! This is, I’m sure, just a tiny insight into your relationship with your mama. Hmmm….she must have known my mama. They sound like sisters.

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  3. Narcissists and codependants we have tht in common. Wounds from the parents. “Fused at the wound”.. Im pretty sure as we have it im common the treatment is the same. Healing childhood trauma. Understanding, Going through the pain and being able to let go and forgive. Finding innerpeace..
    I send you everyday my most strong energies that you can let go of your childhood wounds.. I am in that process too 💋

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    1. Nikita—i agree. i think that is why i get confused. as an obvious codependent i worry i am a narc. but really it’s sort of all the same. and why i loved the narc in my life. i felt we were flip sides of the same coin and neither of us could help it. i did not know what i do now post escape. i do miss the wounds. and wounding. of his. by him. they both made me not feel my own. and validated my wounds already there.

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      1. HI HG, I wondered whether it is possible to track mobile phones, without an app that require’s the owner’s permission?
        I rang the police after being concerned and the officer (I think a narcissist) was not helpful. From googling it seems the owner needs to approve the tracking GPS, but I feel there are other tools available to track us. Can you reveal?

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      2. Yes. Most spying apps need to be installed on to the target phone so you need to get hold of it for a minute to download the relevant app. However, one can also install the spying application remotely. You just need the telephone number of the target phone and the the software locates the IMEI of that phone so that all information on the phone (texts, FB, WhatsApp, calls, e-mail, browser history etc) is then forwarded to another phone which will also include the tracking information. You should not use your personal phone as the mirror phone but rather obtain a separate ‘burn’ phone to use as the mirror phone. If you are concerned you have been compromised then obtain a new phone and new number and be very careful about who you give the number to. Keep the other phone however so as to not alert the person tracking you that you are on to them (strap it to your dog if you have one!)

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      3. Please write about it. If all you need is the phone number then this places victims in grave danger. Where do you get the software? What is it called?
        Are you serious, all texts and emails?
        This assists us – particularly when gathering information for court – to prepare for the stalking charges.

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      4. I can just tell you to pray so that you learn to connect in a healthy loving way. That instead of missing wounding and being wounded you miss love, sweetness, caring, being yolked and growing together with a person. Namaste

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  4. “With Fondness”? People are fond of a cafe, favorite pj’s, a vacation spot. How one feels towards their child? My heart aches reading this for that 10 year old child. To have that moment of your frustration trying to get your Windsor knot and have your mom wipe your tears and just say, ” Silly boy, no tears over this. I love you for trying. Keep practicing and 1 day it will just click…”
    The subcontext of venom pours from this blog. I’m sure this one was not easy to put out.
    I’m sorry you never felt unconditional love from your mother.

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      1. Very interesting reading this older piece again following on the heels of, “I Object”, where he writes now on his obsession of having mastered control on everything and everybody in his environment. The wounding of Little HG by the High Priestess of Hush and Duchess of Disdain seems as fresh now as when he endured it all those years ago. So much healing that needs to happen. It’s why she can still wound him so easily with a lick of a stamp.

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    1. Hello clarece! Boy have i missed u! I was so sad the other day thinking u may not return becoz i noticed ur profile pic was taken down. 😢
      Many others here have expressed that they r missing u as well. I am truly happy to see u! 💗

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  5. You are so amazing. To put into few words a message that means so much to the ones that are in the same situatiom or have gone through similar.
    You are not Evil HG, i think you are a brave, intelligent and exceptional human being.
    To do all the hard work that it takes to realize why we do like we do and why we are like we are and share it with an audience that you dont even know is exceptional.
    Now that the understanding hard work is done by going through tearful memories, comes the even more hard work to change how we act and do because the cause will always be there. The painful experience with our parents or the painful experienxe of being present in their dysfunctional interaction will always be there, the scar permanently stays.
    The long process of letting go of that pain, of forgiving if possible, of understanding why they did what they did will hopefully enable us to change our thinking our mindset and finally the way of acting with the others and towards ourselves.
    I bet you can do that as good as you write HG. You are my roll model in this recovery process, apart of giving me the pleasure to read such a good writter. You excel so much in doing it. Keep up the good work and sharing with us. ☀️☀️ Nice Sunday ☀️☀️
    I could imagine somebody is slowly feeling very proud??

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    1. Thank you for the compliments Nikita they are appreciated. I have been provided with awareness from the work with the good doctors and in tandem with that I am content to share my observations and I am pleased people find them interesting and helpful. As you know, I need people and therefore enjoy my interaction with them. The good doctors do talk about change but I do not see that happening, after all, everything works so well now so why alter it? We shall see however as it appears I am far from done with them although I suspect they are just trying to earn greater fees,I know their game. I always do.

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      1. Thank you! That couldn’t of been easy for you to write. I don’t believe that you are evil at all! I believe the things you do are to protect you and that little boy inside that was hurt so many years ago. I know what it is like to always want to please your parents and look for that moment of approval and pride in there eyes and never get it, know matter how hard you try nothing you do is ever right. We have a lot in common really your empaths and you. We however are always looking to please and nurture to find that love and approval. I truly do hope someday you find peace. Xo.

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      2. If its soo good until now then I think it will get even better no? Even though the doctors are trying to earn more money its well earned if everything is for the best. Continuos improvement 😜.

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  6. My sentiments are somewhat similar to the replies already posted. I read your post earlier today and found myself wandering off deep in thought for quite a few minutes before being interrupted by others and having to leave. It triggered me in many ways and invoked much compassion, sadness and somehow, hope for you; somewhat similar to that of Nikita’s description.

    The last paragraph “I slid the letter in the envelope and smiled. She would be proud of me this time, surely?” of your post was particularly relatable to me, in a sense that both disturbed and saddened me. The thing that stood out to me most was that after all your “letting go” ( we all do so in different ways..no judgement intended) of your feelings that arose after both sighting and reading your mum’s letter, you still sought for her approval. Not only in order to achieve your things that have been threatened to be removed, and so accept the challenge presented, but it seems also to show a need to achieve her absolute approval and acceptance. Or is it just to ensure you “win”.? I guess only you can answer that. Perhaps I am seeing something that is a non issue and please excuse me if I am focusing on something other than intended or perhaps realized. Maybe I see something that reflects my own life moreso, as you say, co dependents and your kind are forged in similar circumstances. This is perhaps not explained in the best way as I am struggling to relay my thoughts for some reason (too many arising as I write). I have hope that you can be happier than you have ever been. I hope that for us all.

    Thanks for sharing your journey of self reflection, aka as therapy. It is certainly a process, both to approach the gates of our past and psyche and once they are open (particularly when delving into our childhood and youth) to try to feel and observe ourselves and others in order to grow. (Especially when your kind standardly believe that they do not need to 🙂 )
    I think you have done exceptionally well, in fact, perhaps better than most, but it is simply your way..to give 110% and nothing less. (see above post comments as an example of your conditioning…something I can also relate to) Being both a detached observer and allowing ourselves to truly, actually feel ourselves, is something I struggle with. I find it easier to look outward, but we all know by now why that is!
    Your writing skills are very enjoyable. I have been reading your books whenever I have the time. Your ability to articulate, particularly in relation to the personal nature of your writings, accompanied by your charm (believe it or not, it is appreciated greatly by some) keeps the reader both engaged and connected. But, I guess you have the upper hand in some aspects, as it is naturally a skill you possess; however it came about. Despite all your hardships and heartaches you have endured to become the man you are today, all things considered. You should be proud of your achievements. I was reflecting on the overall experiences of your kind and co dependents and I guess If you never taught us what we come to know from our experiences with your kind, we may never be forced to overcome our childhood trauma. If anything you definitely teach us we must honor ourselves and our boundaries. Sometimes I do admire that about your kind and I even aspire to take a leaf out of your book in some aspects, as there is just to much common sense to ignore some of the boundaries you have in place. I may horrify others and amuse you, but I dare say, a mix of your kind and my kind may be the goal for my emotional intelligence to strive for!

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  7. HG Dont let me down as my roll model 😜Im trying also to change the way I interact with others, in a very different way than you but its also a change… Lets go for continuos improvement 😀. I am paid to that so even better if I apply it to my own life.

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  8. H G do long posts hold the same value, or lack thereof, as more than a one page letter to your good self? (As it is your blog after all!) I often wonder if I ramble too much. Hmm.

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    1. You can write as much as you like, I am always interested in what people have written, it is my letter which needs to be succinct. I am often succinct to many of the comments that are made as there are several articulate commentators and besides it saves my fingers and as you know we do like to save our energy!

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      1. Perish the thought! Rambling implies a lack of control, and is the fruit of a disordered mind; not something that would appeal to the likes of HG, and certainly does not apply to crystalempath. Rambling is not necessarily the same as being verbose, though they are considered to be synonymous. Usually, someone who rambles needs medical or psychological help, while the verbose person needs a good editor.😉

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  9. I know this probably means nothing, but I’ve been reading your books and I am truly sorry for the pain I know you have had to feel and have to feel at times… Though we are opposites as I am boderline, I wish I knew how to cope as you do. I respect you, and though it may mean something or it may nothing if you ever wanna talk, vent, abuse me or be kind; my email is lady.makaveli71@gmail.com
    If I never hear from you, that’s fine. At least I’ll be one more to remind you I do believe you are a good man. We all are just doing what we gotta do to survive. Respect and love to you, HG.

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  10. I’m sorry HG, that was a stupid comment. My only (pretty poor) excuse is that I’d accidentally scrolled down and thought I’d just opine on the intro.

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  11. The upset over us m being silent…

    My Father before dropping me off at counseling or tutoring would insist I talk and not remain silent as he was spending money because I was not up to participate as it pertained to his unattainable standards.

    If I seriously pissed him off on a Friday I was told to go to my room the entire weekend as he did not want to see me at all (this happened until I moved out at age 15).

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  12. So this is why you’re cooperating… how do you think you’ll feel when your mom is no longer living? Relieved?

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  13. Sounds like my Mother of Hell…

    I remember that devastating impact she had on me. I remember that pain I felt after every interaction with her. “You are the biggest mistake in my life. You shouldn’t have to be born. I thought I had aborted you, you know, but you survived somehow”, she said to me wnen I was 7.

    I’ve never been good enough for her no matter what I did. She was a goddess for me and I was “sleeping” under her spell. But I awoke…

    I realized that our relationship was a game. Chess game. She explained the rules of this game to me and said “You have to win. Prove me you are better than that”…

    And we played, played, played this game, and every time I was a loser. I planned different strategies, different tactics. I tryed my best. But…in vain. No matter what I did I always was a loser.

    I trained myself playing chess with other kids and…I always was a winner! I was amazed how easily I could do that! But, it never was a case with my mother. I always was a loser.

    I tryed to comprehend how is it possible to win, initially having only TWO chess pieces (king and queen) on the chess board against her FULL set of chess pieces? She told me I have to win using only those two chess pieces and it was a rule of that game. Why couldn’t I win? What was wrong with me? Not intelligent enough?

    Yes. Exactly. Not. Intelligent. Enough.

    I was not intelligent enough to understand how dishonest our game was. How dishonest our rules were. Two against Sixteen. Child against Adult. Naivete against Extensive life experience. Wood against Fire…

    Finally, I realized that having only TWO chess pieces, I had no single chance to win. Never. Ever.

    Why did she do that to me, knowing damn well that I would never win?

    And then I realized why. She wanted to be a winner, but she was too weak to play this game with equals. She wanted to be a winner no matter what, every single time, but she was afraid to do it with strong adults. She knew damn well, she would lose.

    The naive child was very easy prey, the absolute guarantee of her victory and she used me for that. She intentionally set the wrong rules for me, securing her future win-win situation. She intentionally deceived me, because she wasn’t a goddess. She was just an ordinary and weak mortal person, who was trying to play god using my naivete and lack of experience. My losses weren’t my fault. I could do nothing in this world to win such dishonest game. I realized that I wasn’t a loser. She was.

    I remember her shocked eyes when I put the full set of my chess pieces on the chess board and asked ”Wanna play?”. That day was the end of the false story about goddess existence. She lost her false power upon me. I didn’t need her false “approval” or “disapproval” anymore. I knew exactly who I was and what I wanted. I wasn’t the naive child anymore. I was the confident and strong adult.

    Our game was over. I won.

    And now, when my son visits her during summer vacation, I always warn her “Don’t dare play your dirty chess game with him. I’m watching you closely. One mistake and I’ll send you to oblivion. You’ll never see him again. You’ll die for him”. She obeys, because she knows her place.

    When I was reading your post, I felt your pain, Tudor. Every damned piece of your pain.

    You are not an evil. You’ve never been the one. You’ve always been “good enough”. Always.

    Your Mother of Hell created that false reality to you to secure her constant victory. She isn’t a goddess. She isn’t a devil. She is just simple mortal person who wants her piece of victory in this life, even if that means she has to sacrifice her own child soul.

    She’s never wanted you to be an equal player, she is afraid of it, because she knows damn well who will be the winner in that case. Not her. You.

    Go and play with her having the full set of chess pieces. And then enjoy your deserved and honest victory. I’m rising my glass of champagne in your honor. You are the best, man.

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  14. This made me cry. A lot.
    HG does your ‘mother’ know about this blog?
    Also, how do your good Doctors feel about your success here? It must make you feel smug to know that something forced upon you had ended up being so successful and a huge advantage to you? Or is it a given that you would find a way to turn the exercise around to suit you?
    Thanks in advance if you choose to answer.

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    1. 1. She does not.
      2. I do not think they know of its success to the extent that they ought to.
      3. I can see why you would think that, I am proud of it and yes it is a given that I would turn the situation around to suit me, albeit I suspect they will argue that it as a win/win scenario.

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      1. “They do not know of its success to the extent they ought to”
        So let me get this straight. They suggested/agreed to your blog yet they don’t follow it? Or at least as much as they should? That boils my piss. (S’cuse my French)
        Yet again sheer arrogance on their part in my opinion. They would learn so much more if they chose to read, or even participate here. But then I guess they don’t need to learn do they, they already know everything there is to know about Cluster B’s and they have their nice silver framed piece of a4 paper on their walls to prove it. Oh and there would be no £’s gained by spending time here reading and researching and LEARNING would there. Time is money!
        You know what HG, we’re not worlds apart you and I. None of us are.

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      2. Hi HG,
        I’m confused by #2. You don’t think the doctors follow the blog as closely anymore? They encouraged it and helped you come up with the 5 rules though. I thought initially it was an integral part of your therapy. Although I can see with how much you’ve had to travel for work the last several months maybe you can’t see them as much and when you do, there’s more pressing topics?

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      3. HG—Win/Win. that struck a chord. something i OFTEN said to the narc i was ipps to. before i knew wtf was going on. is that like nails on a chalkboard or knife to the throat to your kind? i would suggest this or that. and when win win (which to me is, well, win win:) could it actually be heard or taken a step LOSE. bc there is no win win. if the narc doesn’t win it’s wounding? here i thought of it as actual olive branch diplomacy. and fell on swords right and left. to achieve this so called win win. which doesn’t exist in their / your world, or at least wreaks havoc on their / your construct of all or nothing. replaying things in my head it would have changed the dynamic so much to just say i win. or you win. that’s black and white. this whole mutual gain thing (which to MY construct is good) is really more wounding. i read that win / win comment about this blog as almost being a noose. but worth it. like OK FINE IF OTHER PEOPLE ARE HELPED. but that is a hideous concept. and perceived “weakness” (which it is not in my construct) to help or be vulnerable. i am so thankful for all of this. you. us. the blog. narcs. empaths. blah. kumbaya.

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  15. The difference between an NPD and an empath is pride.

    I went through all these same things. These are bringing back memories. I remember having the conversation with myself in my bedroom at around 8yo. I said “if I attach myself to this problem, I will never leave it.” And I detached from my need for my parents and did not associate them with my identity.

    I watched my dad do as you just did and said “your mother was ill and you need to stop now.” I could see he loved her otherwise why would he react? If he was not attached he wouldn’t react.

    This is why in a lot of your self explanations I think you are a bit deluded. I think you are very attached to your abusers. That energy has totally consumed the narcissist.

    When you are detached there is no need for the anger.

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    1. Agreed. Forgivness is the enemy of pride, because it takes a great deal of strength and humility to give it to the wrong doer. The most difficult, yet simple act of will to destroy evil’s hold on you, is to forgive those who have wronged you, even yourself.

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    2. African Violet: how does one detach? as in not feel? i want to know for me. this seems applicable as an empath unless all this time i am really an imposter and narc but don’t know it, damn that means not a greater. if i am going to be a narc for fx sake i want the top shelf kind. this is not meant be snarky in regards to the question. HOW?!

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  16. A mother has a great affect on her children. I remember as a child and teen I did the opposite she wanted me to do to show her she could not control me. To keep her control she is now threatening that if she gets no grandchildren from either my brother or me, she will adopt and that adopted child will inherit everything. I know my brother does not want children and he made that decision in his late teens. I had no interest in having a child until recently. A natural feeling which surprisingly crept up at a certain age with me. But what kind of a parent would I be? I know I have the best of intentions but I know that I can change into someone else. Your frustrations and behaviour described in your article somewhat remind me of me.

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  17. HG, I would like to know why the “good” Dr M hasn’t been reported for breach of patient confidentiality. He obviously told your mum about your lack of cooperation, how else would you have received that missive? But then again, I’m sure you can discipline him more effectively than any psychological governing body could. What’s that line? — “Best $1.80 I ever spent!”

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  18. Wow, I’m sorry for all you had and have to go through with her. She sounds like a genuinely awful (not to mention insufferably pretentious) human being.

    I hope you realize now that you don’t need her approval.

    And now that I’ve said my extremely hypocritical piece, I have to go call my dad now. Excuse me. 🙂

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  19. The 10 yr old boy struggling w the tie so much that it brought tears to his eyes. This hurts me. This, and many more of matrinarc’s behaviors, furiate me. NO child should suffer like this, ESPECIALLY at the hands of a trusted parent.

    This is why i feel that narcissism is not ur fault. It was ur body’s involuntary defence mechanism to repeated shame, abuse, feelings of helplessness and inadequacy. Otherwise, why would u choose such a life w constant need to search for fuel, constant underlying churning fury, inability to form lasting relationships, dependence on others? Many pple will disagree w me, but i do believe that narcissism is not ur fault.

    However, w ur increasing self-awareness, i wish u would address the person who wounds u, rather than take it out on innocent pple. U say ‘it was no good confronting her. She would only make matters worse.’

    U are a grown man now. Show her ur defiance and wound her. Point out her hypocrisy then walk out the door. Take away her car keys until she calls u and apologizes. Certainly, there is much u can do.

    Pls do not take it out on innocent victims but take it out on her, the cruel matrinarc.

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    1. Well said , Jenna, I agree as well.
      What created HG’s narcissism or any of those we were entangled with, was not their fault.
      As well, the lessers and mid range types are not even aware why they do what they do, it is instinctual.

      HG is aware as a Greater, the reasoning behind his behaviour and the choices he makes. Now as an adult.
      Still, through those choices he is instinctually driven to seek fuel.

      I choose not to place blame on the behaviours of others.
      Especially when I do not experience life as they do.
      I Simply try to understand it.
      As you also do, Jenna. Your comments here always show that.

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      1. Hello analise, i apologize for the delayed response. First of all, i am pleased to meet u. I find ur comments on the blog very insightful.

        Analise, there seem to be two schools of thought here.

        School A believes that the narc ‘chose’ narcissism. They believe this because they have witnessed others being abused, who have turned out to be empaths rather than narcs. And they have other reasons for their belief.

        School B, to which u and i belong, and to which perhaps the minority (?) here belong, believe that the narc does not ‘choose’ narcissism. I strongly feel that the body INVOLUNTARILY defends itself frm repeated abuse, neglect, abandonment, by departing frm it’s own soul. Perhaps due to genetic disposition, that particular individual cannot handle the repeated suffering, and narcissism becomes inevitable for him/her. I therefore do not blame the narc for becoming a narc.

        I have read many pple arguing w hg that he ‘chose’ narcissism. Although they are entitled to their opinion, i just cannot see a helpless little boy ‘choosing’ this.

        Hg would never admit that he would have it any other way. He says it makes him more effective to be devoid of certain emotions. But the reality is, it is a sad life, because he is dependent on others for his very existence.

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      2. It is only sad from your perspective. I, of course, have my perspective of you and your kind.

        I have learned that whilst I did not choose narcissism at the outset, I certainly recognised at an early juncture thereafter that certain behaviours benefitted me and I chose to embrace them. I also continue to choose how I operate, but one can have an interesting intellectual discussion as to the extent by which one might be said to exercise a free choice.

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      3. Hello hg,

        In your case, i cannot say that ‘overall’ ur life is ‘sad’, but there are definitely sad components – the never ending search for fuel, the feeling of restlessness without it, not able (or wanting) to form a lasting relationship, fear of the creature, the constant underlying churning fury, the extreme sensitivity to criticism (which i have also, and i hate it), the feeling of emptiness.

        However, u have channelled ur disorder to gain a positive outcome – ’empowering empaths against ur kind’, helping thousands of pple, gaining world recognition, enriching others’ lives with ur writing. U r an extremely self aware greater. U have a gift. I believe no other narc in the world has this gift. Ur case is quite exceptional.

        So, overall, u will not consider ur life as ‘sad.’ Indeed it may not be sad, since there are so many positives, but sad components are still present. Well, frm my perspective they are ‘sad’ components. From ur perspective, u may not see them that way.

        And then there are other narcs, like my ex, who feels shame that his past behaviors were exposed, and is thus trying to improve himself because the exposure has turned his life upside down. Although he tries to improve, he often slips. It is a constant struggle for him to find inner peace. His struggle is ‘sad.’

        You never chose narcissism, but u choose certain behaviors as an adult. You say u chose certain behaviors ‘at an early juncture.’ If ‘early juncture’ is ur late teens, then ur brain was not that of a child.

        That is why i always plead w you to stop hurting others to gain negative fuel. Yet u still do it. Why? It is because it is instinctual for u. Without the negative fuel, u feel restless, u need and want the contrast frm positive fuel.

        But do u not see that it hurts others? Yes u do, since u r intelligent and self-aware. U know exactly HOW it hurts others – that ur victims will face anxiety, depression, be walking on eggshells, experience sleeplessness, worry, preoccupation, stress, and more. When u know all of this, why do u not stop? It is because u put urself first. That is how u r designed.

        U may well try to stop, with guidance frm the good doctors, but u may fail. U will try again, and u may fail again, just like an alcoholic who is trying to give up alcohol. It will not be an easy battle to stop the behaviors, but u can stop them, at a cost to YOU.

        But u r not designed that way. U will not allow urself that cost ALL THE TIME. U may succeed ON OCCASION, but not all occassions. Slowly though, over time, u may find urself succeeding more and more (though u will not view it as a ‘success’ but certainly it is a success if u can stop hurting others).

        It will be an uphill battle for u, but if u can stop hurting others at least MOST of the time, that would be ideal.

        When the narcissism initially arose, i still believe that was not ur fault. You did not choose it. U were a child when certain emotions left you. It was an involuntary defence mechanism of the body based on genetics and a very negative environment.

        This is my opinion. Ty.

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      4. Hi Jenna

        Yes, I follow school A in certain situations.
        For example with my mother and aunt.
        Both are empaths from a narcissistic parent.

        But, I whole heartedly agree no child chooses
        to become emotionally empty and hollow.
        It is a creation by others for them initially.
        A defence mechanism.

        I believe as adults they have the choice to change if they desire such.
        Narcissists prefer to remain where they feel safest.
        In control of self and others.
        In their own known reality.

        I place no blame on another’s choice or creation.
        I do not condone intended harm to others.
        But, I also do not fault what I have never been forced to live, either.

        We are all different.

        I do not believe HG chose initially to be as he is.
        I believe he decided it served him best to be that way.
        So he continued what had been created within him.
        My opinion only.

        Those are very astute observations Jenna.

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      5. It is incorrect to believe that we can change if we desire to do so – that is emotional thinking and is something which causes victims to cling on through hope.

        The Lesser and Mid Range do not know what they are, they will not know, therefore it is impossible for them to change.
        The Greater will not change because although we know what we are, change is not an option for a whole host of reasons.

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      6. Yes, I should have amended that.
        We, empaths can change our thinking and behaviours if we so desire to do so.
        We have the power to do so.
        Yes , emotional thinking. I just read your new article.
        Brilliant.

        I know HG, there is no desire to change for you. As there is no need.
        You function successfully as you are.
        Those who do not, the lesser and or midrange know no different.

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      7. I’m afraid I have to disagree. Being set up by my parents to arrive at the crossroads of choosing, I remember a narcissist was serious and willing to believe his life was more important than another. This is a separate belief to his own worthlessness.

        For me, the thought of a life in which I would never attach to anybody was terrifying. I chose the “weak” road, according to them.

        I believe it was chosen, well, in many cases it is possible it was chosen, because I’ve witnessed the choice take place. The belief is adopted that the narc truly is superior to you. He really believes it. I also remember a process in which the lonely narcissist learned false humility, which explains the speeches they use to hook you. They think that pretending to have compassion is a huge offering.

        Don’t waste your time. a moment with them is a loss. Should they change? Yes, I believe so, because they lacked courage and made a bad decision. They took the wrong road and they want you to pay. But the reason for it was a lack of compassion for the abuser, which they applied to the whole world and their sense of self.

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      8. Thank you Violet. I agree with your assertions.
        Choosing, emotion, compassion, forgiveness and love.
        That is never the weak road.
        Only those envious make you feel that way.
        Choice, as adults. is for us all to partake of.
        I choose forgiveness and love.
        Not hate and revenge.
        My heart is unburdened.

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      9. Hello analise,

        Thank u for ur input. I am finding this discussion btwn u, hg, and i very intellectually stimulating.

        Hg, as someone asked (i can’t recall who), would u consider a poll abt this subject matter? The options would be limited – either ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to the question ‘does the narc choose narcissism?’ However, the comments would be interesting to read. I hope the comments don’t upset me tho. Sometimes, when pple blame u and state that u chose it, even as a young child, it hurts me.

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      10. Thank you for reply Jenna.

        I haven’t been on for a bit,
        so just seeing it now.

        The poll idea is a good one.
        As we all vary in perspectives.

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      11. Hello violet,

        I just noticed ur comment. Thank u.

        Violet, how old were u when u ‘chose’ not to become a narc? Do u believe it was a conscious decision? Do u recall thoughts in ur mind abt which path u prefer?

        How old were ur parents when they ‘chose’ to become narcs? I have trouble w the concept of a child choosing consciously whether or not to become a narc. Ty violet.

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      12. Hi Jenna,
        I went through a series of psychological abuse sessions to transform me into a narcissist.
        This happened between the age of (well birth) but the serious stuff was planned sessions between the age of 8 and 11. After this, I was accepted as a normal (although treated as inferior and needed to accept that to snap up morsels of kindness).
        Throughout these periods, I suffered a kind of psychosis which I describe now as profound detachment from everything, a dropping of all social masks and a kind of primitive and monstrous sensation. My voice changed, I remember my mother laughing cruelly at me as it happened. I thought everyone was the enemy. It’s like vomiting, like becoming a cat ready to strike.
        After this experience, I talked to my friends at school and we shared that it had happened to all of us. I’m not sure if my Catholic school was actualy a cult. But their parents told them it happened to them because they were bad. and ith appened to everyone. I picked up some narcissistic traits to survive, I suppose learned from my brother. My mother could read people’s minds and she pointed out a lot of other narcissists, and I chose to go into denial.
        There were a few things that saved me. 1. I had read a lot of books about heroic children overcoming adverse circumstances, and thanks to this, I had identified as liking those traits so I thought of these children as the abuse was happening. This helped me when I was brainwashed to think I had no character at all. 2. I noticed my parents were miserable even though not suffering pain, and I didn’t want to be like them. 3. I was strongly attached to them however I did not like them as perhaps they liked their parents to want to give myself over. and 4. I noticed they were watching me with a glimmer of hope and curiosity, and in the darkest despair, this helped me “act as if” I was not being treated so badly. So I remember very clearly the choice of laying in the bed with the devil, and slowly gathering light to get myself out of there.
        “Love” to the narcissist is erasing yourself completely (I remember them coaching me to erase my own thoughts) emptying yourself and being a sacrifice for the parents, participating in this kind of bondage where you can “always come back.” Only, you can’t – and they know this, but the hope they can come back gives them a kind of motivation to keep trying which is good for them in life.

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  20. Wow what a horrible woman!
    I know this post is old, but it is really telling. Is she still alive? Have you ever thought of turning the cards on her and, in a sense, use your own advice as if you were the empath and she the narc? Expressionless criticism etc, for example. You know more than any how to get revenge on a narcissist…
    if she’s dead, then…well…At least it’s an effective no contact.
    I don’t know how greater narcissists feel about hugs but I would hug you if I could. I’m sorry you had that for a mother.

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      1. I am glad you have the situation under control. I don’t know what type of revenge you are planning, if any, but I am sure there will be some poetic justice there somewhere. Hopefully you will be able to let us know how it went, unless it reveals too much about yourself.
        Most importantly, it would be nice to think that you will need less negative fuel one day, having rid yourself of such a source of injury, and you will be closer to healing.
        I think we all want you to be happy, H.G. 🙂

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  21. You actually graffitied on the bathroom wall HG lol that made me chuckle 😄
    I totally get how being under someones oppressive control can make you lash out and be the controller. Ive seen this in bullying children in school. Quite often the bullier is being bullied at home. By bullying they are the doers and undoing whats been done to them but are they really? I dont know if youve ever told your mother off HG but maybe nows the time to turn her into the done to. Tell her youre not taking her bs anymore and for her to get off her highhorse. It took a lot for me to stand up to my mum but now that i have its so liberating. Im still angry i allowed her to control me that way but she had an advantage in that she had me from birth. As children our parents are our world and they mould us. You can break the mould and say NO. I did and will continue to do so. NO more will she affect how i feel about myself. Tell your mother you wont let her control you.

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      1. Youve said that before and it sounds ominous hopefully it wont get you into any sort of trouble. If its a financial hold no amount of money is worth your health or happiness. You dont need her stinking inheritance HG. Youre doing very well on your own! 👍

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  22. I know how you felt when you got that letter. I have felt like that many times.
    usually I go and eat some food and watch a movie, read the new testament about how to deal with one’s enemies. and the bad feelings do pass away by themselves.
    Good luck with the treatment.
    it is possible to train one’s self to just take satisfaction in not showing a reaction, I used to yell and complain (to the narcissist) when that kind of thing happened to me.

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  23. HG commented: “I have learned that whilst I did not choose narcissism at the outset, I certainly recognised at an early juncture thereafter that certain behaviours benefitted me and I chose to embrace them. I also continue to choose how I operate, but one can have an interesting intellectual discussion as to the extent by which one might be said to exercise a free choice.”

    HG, I would love to see a post and engage in that discussion with everyone. I have LONG believed both of my Ns had a moment of final choice. Up until that point I believe I saw them struggling to make “normal” choices informed by concern for others and after that point, they seemed to give up and lean in to their self-focused nature. From then, it is like I saw them… wither and die before my very eyes.

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  24. HG- This post is outstanding. Such an unrivaled insight into the mind of a narcissist. Please write more about your mother and little things she did like care about the weight and color of envelopes. Hearing how she abused you, while it saddens me, helps me understand how a child can lose their sense of self when forced to become a “perfect” reflection. Were you her golden child?

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    1. Thank you. I was and I wasn’t. It will become clearer when I publish ‘Little Boy Lost’ and ‘MatriNarc’.

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      1. U have stated that u need to be well fuelled when talking abt the hell who is matrinarc n ur childhood. I can imagine u sitting at ur keyboard writing ‘matrinarc’ and ‘little boy lost’ and i feel sad at what u must be going thru to write these.

        I’ve stated earlier that i don’t believe ur books yield v high profits due to their extremely affordable price point (i may be wrong idk) so i feel u r writing these two books only for us, so that we may gain a better understanding. That is v kind of u.

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