I Spy a Private Eye

I have often mentioned the empath’s need to know. Initially this is borne out of your desire to know and to understand for the purpose of enabling you to discharge your caring and nurturing abilities. Only by understanding and knowing what is wrong, what is going through someone’s mind or understanding their situation are you able to assist and help. Some people like to know because they are inquisitive. Some people like to know because they are downright nosey. We like to know so we can use it against you or to further our own schemes. You like to know so you can help. This is a core trait of the empathic individual and it is not something that you are ever able to let go.  Even when we are subjecting you to the devaluation you are unable to accept that it is happening without being able to understand why. You need to know. We know you need to know and we exploit this. This is why we engage in denial, deflection and circular arguments because we are entirely aware this inability to allow you to know and to understand draws fuel from you but also keeps you doing this. Even when we discard you, you still want to make sense of what has happened. You need and want to know why did we treat in the way we did, why did we do all those awful things to you and why were you not enough? By tapping into this trait of yours we also ensure that you have to know what we are doing once we have flung you to one side.

You will ask our friends what we are doing and pose similar questions to our family in a bid to ascertain what we are now doing without you. You ask your friends to spy on your behalf, gathering information about the places that we have been to and the people we have fraternised with. You see, if you try to escape from us then you cannot get rid of us as we appear with Hoover in hand ready to suck you back. However, if we have decided that we have extracted as much fuel as we possibly can from you (at least for now) we will do our utmost to remain invisible and keep you guessing. We want you wondering what we are doing? We want you to be sat contemplating where we are and who we are with? Are we happy? Are we thinking of you? This need to know becomes overwhelming and you then embark on your role as private eye. You will stalk our Facebook page in order to gather information. We will block you in order to increase the work for you but you will use a friend’s profile to look or create a false one. You will drive past the places you know we might be, home, work and recreational and social places hoping to catch a glimpse of what we are doing so you can satiate that need to know. You will create a new profile and follow us on Twitter, checking each day to see what we have written. Is there a new girlfriend? What is she like? Are we taking her to the places we took you? Who are these people in the photographs and where are they taken? We know you will be spying and the more you try and learn the more questions will arise. We use obsessing as a method of manipulation and this continues in this mould. Our everpresence will keep reminding you and you do not help yourself as you repeatedly reinforce our presence in your mind by searching, checking and spying. You will search our name on Google, examine our work website for any changes, check on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and LinkedIn. Like a detective hunting for clues you will keep at it each day. You create a habit in order to feed the addiction which is the need to know. We know you will do this, we engineer and we encourage this behaviour in you. The knowledge that you are engaged in these practices gives us fuel. We cannot see you or hear you yet we know you are spying on us. We know what you are like and we can picture you earnestly hunched over your keyboard as you stare at your monitor. Don’t deny it because when we do Hoover you it is one of the first things we tease from you. How many times a day did you check our Facebook profile? You will admit you did it at least three times a day and and tell us how much you missed us. You will ask about the new person we were with and who you saw posts referring to and all the photographs that we displayed. Did we miss you too? You always ask this as well. Why? Because you always need to know.

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73 thoughts on “I Spy a Private Eye”

  1. I have heard many of my friends doing this; whether they dated N’s or not. I thought it was self torture and told them so and expressed my concern at their queries and observations stating who knows what is truth and a story so designed to play with others. Some of my friends have confessed to staging pics and posts for their ex and co to see, so it was easy for me to point this out to them. I saw their point for arguments sake at times (just) but didn’t think the game playing was helping them.
    Armed with this observed “life experience” I simply blocked the appropriate party and anyone else they knew.
    At times, (for some 6 mths at a time) I even took a break and deactivated my accounts. I am very stubborn when I choose to be. I found others doing the random drive by of my place etc a questioning my friends and visiting my family. I just tried to keep out of it, perhaps because I had others to help with their various “life” matters that always seem to arise. I’m always “Dear Abbey” to anyone in need.

    Most stalkerish type of things that partners have done after separation with me, I hadn’t even been aware of until some time after the fact when friends/family or at times they themselves had confessed at a later date.

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  2. I have never had to ask “do you miss/think about me” etc if contact occured at some point. I was always informed (funny now i think of it, that they seemed to say the same thing) I’m impossible to forget, never stop thinking about you and that they thought that I was seeing others and having a great life as I’m always smiling when with others, so I must have been dating. This was seldom the case but they assured me they could see “what was going on between us”. I was single for quite some time over periods. I was merely friendly, caring and genuinely interested in connecting with others. I was also always known for my smile. My nickname when I worked at a pub for a time was “Smiley”. I used it whenever I was embarrassed or uncomfortable too, clearly something others never observed correctly. It’s amazing what others see. No wonder we get worked up over others, especially when your kind and some others actually fo set the stage so well.
    I can see that others will relate to your post so very well H G.

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    1. Well stated Crystal. Mine often accused me of seeing some else too. I was faithful to him. I am monogamous type. I guess blame displacement helped his ego, I would say guilt to, but am now aware that was never present in him.
      A smile is a beautiful thing to behold..keep smiling ❤️

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  3. What happens if they try to initiate a conversation and we dont want to know and we dont ask anythng, how would that come out ?? Id love to know how that would make you feel (Not you, cos I think your brilliant, but the other narc)

    ________________________________

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  4. Thank you HG! You are so right on this one!! Pictures of him and his new love all over facebook! Me blocked from seeing most things, except ( I only know this because of you) for the things he wants me to see! Because of you I’m learning more and more and now I finally see a small light at the end of this very long hurt filled tunnel. Xo

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      1. HG anytime you would like to change employment I’m pretty sure you would be quite successful having one on one conversations with us empaths. Lol. You would have more clients then the two good Doctors you visit! So many questions that are often hard to put on paper. You’d have to wear a mask of course! Ha,ha. Thank you for making sense of all of this.Xo

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  5. Does this explain why getting a straight answer after ending the relationship is IMPOSSIBLE with a narc? My ex completely ignored simple questions about us keeping a friendship after breaking up. He refused to answer me regarding why he chose the silent treatment over just having a 5 minute conversation….it’s like he was purposely wanting me to run after him for answers just so he could ignore me.
    I accepted the breakup and gave him his space….it’s like he’s angry with me for not begging him back! HE BROKE UP WITH ME! He broke us–so I refuse to lift a finger to fix us.
    I have been on silent treatment from him for 2 months….he’s never explained why….he wanted out…I didn’t fight it. Why is he mad, HG?!

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    1. T, I’m really sorry to hear that. Sadly you will never get a straight answer from your N he gets too much enjoyment from it. So never ever ask as that is just giving him fuel.

      He wants you to not be able to move on from this and his ST is all part of that plan.

      The only way you will get answers is from you and educating yourself.

      It’s hard, we feel like they are the ones with all the answers to allow us to move on. But that is not the car at all. We have the power and we have to answer those questions ourselves.

      Big hugs to you xx

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      1. Alexis, Thank you so much for your kind words! I’ve countered his ST…I have been NC since Jan. 6th, 2016! I started to suspect what he was…I was hoping he was just passive aggressive…..lol! He seemed so perfect-was everything I wanted and needed. He mirrored my values, morals, and even charmed my family (it took them a while to figure him out)

        I think I am more angry with myself…this isn’t the first time I have fallen victim to narcs….thanks to HG’s books…now I know why! lol!

        Alexis, this time I am stronger! Reading “Escape” made it all clear to me–I do have the power (we all do!). “Manipulated” makes it clear on what to expect from them…. We have what they need…they are addicts…all we have to do is deny it to them! And be sure to not fall victim to them again!

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  6. Thankfully I didn’t do any of these things with the MN. I’d already learned from other life events not to rub salt in the wound and leave it be. I deleted all means of contact to me and me to him as I knew cutting him off so I wasn’t waiting for a text or a call was the best way. I can see why some people would be tempted to do this.

    When I first saw him six weeks after NC. He was desperate to talk to me, almost fell over in the process.

    He asked me if I’d missed him, I just smiled and said, “yeah, you know when you’ve had a really, really bad headache and then finally it goes away again, well it was a bit like that”

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  7. To each their own. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. In learning about this disorder, I see his actions and his connections through a much clearer lens. For me, it will make me much better prepared for the inevitable Hoover. For 2-1/2 of the 3 years, until I discovered this blog, I thought whenever he returned it was because deep down he cared and couldn’t forget me. I didn’t know or understand about fuel and that someone can be highly intelligent and functioning yet completely lack the wiring for empathy and compassion. Tie that in with the laws of attraction and we attract what we project and seek in others. My goal is still to want to be able to receive his texts / contact attempts and be at the point where he feels dead to me and I don’t care and can easily ignore. Getting closer and for me, keeping tabs helps me.

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    1. MLA (Clarece) I too believe this is the ultimate healing. Creating the ultimate, no response within our psyche. May we all be blessed that this happens sooner rather than later. ❤

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      1. Hello CrystalEmpath! I have read some of your responses and posts you have liked and think we have similar characteristics. Thank you for your kind words. I wish to transcend to a place where I could face him with complete lack of emotion and irrelevance coming straight from my heart. I know that is the closest thing to driving a stake in an emotional vampire’s heart.

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      2. Indeed. For an empath to become truly unfeeling, numb and altogether disconnected, as the source of our pain has become merely an object of no emotional attachment or concern.

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      3. Yes crystalempath I also wish the same for all of us visiting the blog. It is possible. Its extremely painful and difficult but possible.

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      4. United we stand, divided we fall. I was ashamed in previous relationship, I didn’t know he was a narc, I never told anyone but family and then only after hell broke loose and I couldn’t conceal it any longer. They aim to divide us, to isolate, to more easily control us. I am now following the anti bully stance, stand up and speak out.
        This forum is empowering to us all. And tbh, the fact that a narc is empowering us in such a way feels justifiable. It a mutually satisfying, HG gets fuel and we get closure we were denied through our relationships.
        Win, win. HG may not see it that way, but I do 😊

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    2. I’m on day 3 of no contact. I also called him a selfish drunk and a narc.

      I have a feeling he’s still in shock that I dared speak up and finally defend myself. Critisism is a no no as it’s met with rage but in my defence, this time he really winded me with his cruel manipulation.

      I too like you, want him to message and call me. I want to smile smugly whilst I watch his efforts to hoover me back up FAIL. I’m praying I don’t thaw before he attempts to tell me his “we were bought together by the universe” story.

      God I love that story! 🙄

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  8. With what a klaediscope? Thankfully not every victim fanatically spends their time looking for their N. As a matter of fact, when he took long absences, or was disrespectful with his behaviour, I subsequently deleted him Off my social media, blocked him on email and skype. Removed and blocked all mutual friends and ones I deemed potentially a plant because the N, is the culprit of spying. Hence the lieutenants. He is the one seeking to know. He won’t admit it. But since he desires us to miss him and want him, he assumes that our entire life in his absence is consumed by such a mission.
    Yes , we want to know why he is ignoring us again. Why. Because that is a logical response and behaviour, his behaviour is not. But, it is hard to rationalize the behaviour of someone with a defined pathological disorder. When his behaviour is introduced to unbalance the victim emotionally.

    As a matter of fact, I only ever looked for him in my own messages and emails, when I had them open for him to contact me, otherwise, I never sought him, after the initial incidences of the silent treatment.

    With every return, he would say the same thing, I missed you and I love you. Then proceeded to tell me some unimaginative and highly repetitive reasonings for why he was gone. Such as, I had the flu and it exhausted me terribly with my long work hours. You know I am an introvert and I need time to reenergize. I wasn’t talking to anyone else during that time, I promise you. There is no other woman, just you.
    So routine, That each return to ” normalacy” I only ever told him I loved him, intentionally. He choice to leave, so of course I didn’t miss him. It was a s.o.b move. I only missed him when gone in The early stages of relationship. And to be fully honest, I only missed his attention, not his presence after leaving so many times.

    It is natural response in an intelligent and curious mind to want to know why things are occurring. Such as the absences of a supposed loved one, they could have been In An accident or dead for all we know. It is called genuine concern. Albeit for a fake person. It is when such concern is driven to the point of obsession by another. That is becomes an emotinal concern for the victim of an N.
    I spy with my little eyes An N who is clutching fear. The fear of the truth being revealed, the fear of not being missed or appreciated. The fear of punishable perpetration.
    Do unto to others is such a strident code of justice.
    Here is another to be wary of hell hath no fury, like a woman scorned.

    I admit, I sound embittered, reality tends to right the mind. I also feel satisfied and grateful as well, in the knowledge I have been given from my own detective work and from HG words and other participants here.
    So thank you.

    Life is but a dream….life with an N, well, once realized, not so dreamy really.

    Will you take part in
    My life, my love
    That is my dream

    Life is but a dream
    It’s what you make it
    Always try to give
    Don’t ever take it
    Life has its music
    Life has its songs of love

    Life is but a dream
    And I dream of you
    Strange as it seems
    All night I see you
    I’m trying to tell you
    Just what you mean to me

    I love you
    With all my heart
    Adore you
    And all your charms
    I want you
    To do your part
    Come here to my open arms

    Life is but a dream
    And we can live in
    We can make our love
    None to compare with

    Will you take part in
    My life, my love
    That is my dream
    Life is but a dream

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      1. Hugs to you Crystal, you are a strong and beautiful soul.
        What narcs do not realize is that what may appear broken in us to them and by them, is once again repaired within us, by us.

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      2. Some commenters/followers do not have a blog, hence the reason why the name doesn’t “open”. Just try anyone’s name you come across that have made a comment. Some have an empty blog, but you can still click follow in case they ever decide to.
        And as for starting your own I believe you were born to do so. You too have alot to contribute. Click on my name I posted an article I read earlier from a site called Thought catalog. You can subscribe via email to them.
        I can relate to your ease of responding etc, but I think you will never look back once you start.
        Survivednarc and laurelwolflives have blogs.

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      3. Thank you! Hugs returned.
        Truth indeed! We are very determined individuals that help each other in our pain and journey also. Such is our way. We share to help and to heal ❤

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  9. This is the only post that does not apply at all to me. My last ex has no active social media but even if he would have it I would not go and look at all.. But at all.
    I dont have any false profile of any kind and have never even tried to look at the social media of my other exes.
    Well and anyway its not the case because its a friendly relationship where they tell me all about their lives.. And never mention their current partners… Strange enough HG. contrary to your article.
    Not to mention that I have a very good relationship also to their current partners…😃😃👍🏻
    And inside me I feel sorry for them because They must be living the same..
    My kids came back from vacations with their dads and their girlfriends and I heard stories of the same… Sickness, bad moods, silences, discussions…😖😖😖😖
    Im so glad 😀😀 I spent a week in peace with my books, doing sports, reading your blog 😀😀👍🏻👍🏻 etc etc.
    now I am on vacations with my kids and although I have all the work and responsability and also financial burden, im glad that its very peaceful around here..
    Of courSe I would have liked it to be different and to have chosen right from the beginning a nice responsible, joyful man… But okay. I accept what life has given me with thankfulness as I have learned something. Finally !!!! 😂

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  10. Like you have us constantly checking for your daily blog HG !!

    You know how to work it 😉

    I have a long plane journey soon, so I do hope your next book will be ready in time !!

    Don’t make me keep googling and searching for the reason it’s not been published yet HG.

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      1. I did not see treasure nor tormented announced on twitter nor the blog. Did you? I have bought it 😃. Am I no. 1??

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      2. 😃😃👍🏻 its a pleasure to start a new book. Im also addicted to your books and your blog. Its the first thing I check when I go back to my phone in the evenings. Check for a new posting 😃😃

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      3. Ooh I didn’t know about T&T. Agh I want to read it now, but I want to save it for my travels !! I’m an HG junkie !!!

        And if you Getta hooked it ain’t no one else’s fault !!

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  11. Yeah That was me !! I scoured the internet looking for answers , was like trying to put together pieces of a jigsaw , I knew it wasn’t doing me any good but he left me with a zillion questions I needed answers to. Of course he was more than happy to plaster his new found fuel all over FB & they both took great pleasure in TRYING to taunt me in various other places, encouraging each other in there degrees of nastiness towards me . It was a game I wasn’t going to play . I know his secrets , some of which would have him arrested & jailed & I get some pleasure knowing that he’ll be careful of over stepping the mark because of it . Who’s in control now . 🙂

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    1. Yes, the upper hand is yours So Sad. Another valid point to address is why do Ns disclose such damaging personal and private information to certain partners.? As there is always the possibility it will be used against them in the discard phase, or at the very least to shift power.

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      1. He couldn’t help himself Karra it was another part of the control with him . I can’t go into detail for obvious reasons , but as HG said he could try denying it, but if I were to spill the beans I’m sure the relevant authorities will be more than happy to investigate . At the moment though I quite enjoy the fact that I have the upper hand, despite that fact that he thought he was above the law & gods gift to the universe he is a worrier, & he now knows I will do whatever I need to to protect myself . Let just say It’s my ace card & I’ll play it if I need to .x

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  12. Mine never taunted me with any other women, he hid it well, except I just know things at times and I found out on my own without really trying. It quite angered him.
    He closed off his fb posts, citing he was rarely on it. I knew better. He was hiding things from me.
    My question then would be, why ? would he not have fared better fuel wise, by making me angry or jealous ?
    Did my other posts go through moderation yet 😊

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      1. Exactly this ^^^ . I was well hidden, in fact I now know I was on his restricted list .. IMH he life was FB , his phone constantly pinging with messages , but he could still look me in the eye & deny it . Things took a turn when he started to realise that I wasn’t just going to sit back & take it, the violence escalated because he wanted to try & shut me up, by that time I just didn’t care anymore & refused to be silent . He already had his fuel sources some of whom he would block then unblock when he needed his fragile ego boosted . After his arrest he posted a picture of a cute ikle kitten knowing that all his little minions would hit the like button & they did . It made me smile that , showed just how desperate he was for any attention he could get .. You see HG although you all think your a step ahead of us & in many ways you are we can eventually see you for what you really are & this is why you have to move on , lets just say we get to the discard stage too but just travel a different path to get there .

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    1. Aha! Very true! Where some of us may be engaging in this during devalue and discard trying to cope and understand everything, H.G. has written in prior posts how he scours and researches his victim’s information so he can reflect back their same interests in building trust with common ground. Also in assisting with building new pieces of the fragmented facade to take what he likes and project the illusion of a well rounded person to the world.
      What was the blog, H.G., that you speak of seeing our first smile? I believe it was one saying it was a social media profile pic? Seeing our innocent face before you contort it in pain. Hunched over your computer analyzing which tools out of your kit will be a match for us?
      Yes, projection indeed!

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      1. Well stated MLA , he has put me In The devalue state and silent treatment, but I left him there in as well. When he decides to return, he will find me missing. Well, he will find out even sooner.
        My N knew me two years prior through various friends before we personally connected in a relationship. He always commented on my sweet face, in various scenarios.

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      2. I haven’t read back in blogs, so am probably at a disadvantage on your history HG. I prefer to start where I begin and not look back. My first post was the first entry on the blog I read. I am sure many on here have been here for a while. When did you begin this Blog, HG.

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  13. Brilliant, So Sad. When they do not give some enough credit, the tables can easily turn. I have several ace cards, I chose to use a lesser card to assist me in my own removal. I was planning on using the most damaging, but because it would hurt and impact so many others, I went with one that only included myself and him. I also have verifiable evidence for my proof. It’s impact should be felt soon. I am on the fault line,

    Yes, he probably didn’t want you publicly announcing in social media all his faults to potentially draw away fuel from him. So he restricted you. You are right, I saw plenty, when looking back and I stayed too long. Since I discarded him during his last silent treatment, which is still occurring. He will assume it was other way around. Luckily I was fortuitously presented with this wealth of advice at the right time.
    Timing, is everything.

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  14. Okay Crystal, I will check that article out and the other bloggers, I will do as you said and click follow on names just in case they do blog.
    You are sweet and kind and helpful.

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  15. Karra , what he didn’t think of was what a good teacher he was to me . I had years to learn his art , as my barriers were going down , his cocky confidence didn’t .. so I kept quiet , sad nothing , & absorbed it all taking mental notes as time went on . Eventually it wasn’t about lack of fuel, in fact I was only just getting started with the negative stuff & getting pretty good at it i must say! all driven by his prolific postings on FB which he lied about . He knew I was onto him , the more he lied the more I searched , the more evidence I found the more arguments & violence ensued , but I wasn’t about to keep quiet . He could see me changing & challenging him , I’d stepped right into his cosy little comfort zone , his little den of secrets & it worried him enough to try and silence me . Since going NC he’s tried to hack my accounts on FB and another sites, of course he would deny it if asked but then they are all born liars anyway , he obviously wants my silence because I know his dirty little secrets 🙂

    I really hope when the preverbial hits the fan for him you get payback big time Karra 🙂 Me , well I’ll be happy keeping that ace card safely locked away in my head & hope he’s intelligent enough not to tread on my toes, because some days I’d love to play it x

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  16. Oh my lord. You ARE good!!
    My Ex (for now, he may get back in)
    Calls me THE SNEAK!!

    This is how it goes..
    We would have 3 days of FaceTime and texts and love talk that made me feel my heart could literally burst.

    Then I would text and get no reply.

    I would text a few hours later but still nothing. Was strange because he was posting on social media and liking other womens photos. Hours turned into days and he still hasn’t replied. I would start to worry and message him these long messages about how much I loved him and I just needed to know he was ok.. I made up a false account to see what he was doing as he blocked me on Facebook, Instagram and twitter, so I would use friends we had in common to watch out for him.

    Then after 3-5 days he would text to tell me off for going crazy on him because I hadn’t heard from him. He said he needed time alone and sometimes he just feels depressed. I told him I see him post on the internet and he would get really angry and accuse me of stalking him and he can’t live like that.

    Followed by the threat to block my phone number too and end the relationship because he can’t be controlled by me.

    Hours of crying later and I would get a text telling me that he loves me but I need to stop being so insecure. He won’t put up with it.
    I would say sorry and promise I won’t do it again. Then I would be warned that he is doing me a favour now so I’m not to mess it up. Then he unblocked and re-added again.

    Back to love and devotion and amazing movie dates together. We were back Happy and I was happy again.

    Then a week later he would go missing again and there he would be on social media posting semi naked porn stars and talking to other women about sex. I got angry and called him to say it was disrespectful and I was told it’s just social media and means nothing and I’m insecure. He would block me and disappear again. I stalked again and see him talk to ex’s about how he dumped his girl for being insecure and stalking him. I would cry at his cruelty for nights.
    Then when I started to get used to him not being around, he would suddenly POP UP and forgive me. This became our cycle.
    At present I am being punished for a guy commenting that I was pretty on my Instagram photo. I didn’t even reply. He said I lead him on with my eyes in the photo. I had to delete and block the follower. Haven’t heard from him for 3 days now….

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