Catfish

To catfish is to create false identities for use on-line and in particular for the purpose of carrying on deceptive online romances. The term was invited for our kind. The creation of false dating profiles, false Facebook profiles and the like is a standard tool of the narcissist as it allows for the gathering of fuel from multiple individuals on a regular basis. From being sat in a study one can reach out around the world and portray whatever we want to a vast array of individuals. Many people who are not of our kind engage in this behaviour as they seek to flirt with someone, to coerce them to send them nude pictures and videos or just to engage in some filthy chat with someone. Those individuals will do this to avoid detection from their current partner or perhaps friends and family who might inadvertently stumble upon their clumsy overtures. We go further than this as we look to ensnare our unwitting victims. Naturally since we are invariably excellent wordsmiths our ability to sit hidden, obscured by the internet allows the focus to be on words so that we can lure people in. I do it from time to time, making full use of the connectivity that arises from being able to access the internet from virtually anywhere and also the various platforms and applications which facilitate this kind of behaviour. I recall a particularly effective profile which I used on Facebook some time ago and which every so often I will roll out. I found a picture of an educated and handsome-looking fellow on the internet. It looked like a work profile picture which was just what I was looking for. I created a false name and then embellished the profile with various interests. I then began the hunt for some friends. I know that nearly everyone has friends on their Facebook profile who they do not know. Accordingly, it is not going to be difficult to begin to generate a coterie of supposed friends. After all, who is going to turn down a request from the erudite and attractive gentleman with the refined name? Very few as it transpires. Once the profile started to take on the look of one which had a base in reality then it was over to certain applications on Facebook to start the fun. At the time there was one called Social Me. It was very straight forward. A picture appeared and you could choose a compliment from a selection (sexy, crazy, hot, beautiful and so on – it was hardly taxing) or you could choose your own. Of course I am not from the herd so I embarked on my own descriptions using my well-known ability to flatter and describe. This soon grabbed the attention of many ladies and the comments went back and forth as they lavished me with their own comments. The fuel came flowing from scores of women as they locked on to me. They then sent the friend requests having been reeled in through Social Me. Messages would pass backwards and forwards and it was not long before they offered mobile telephone numbers. From there the conversations ranged from me talking about an entirely fictitious career (after all I am not going to tell them my real profession) to engaging in filthy chat was they masturbated down the telephone. All delicious fuel. I would be sat with my computer lighting up from Social Me comments, friend requests and messages as the mobile buzzed and pinged. I have a voice which many have commented on as alluring, the baritone of British received pronunciation proving a particular draw. With many I maintained the façade but with a handful I eventually admitted to being someone else, the person I actually was. This privileged group was allowed into knowing my real name and such additional information because they wanted to meet me and who was I deny to them that opportunity. This coterie consisted of a dominatrix from a city in the north-east of England, a nurse from the midlands, a chain-smoking charity worker from  a city in the north-west of England, a long-nailed administrator from the south coast and most entertaining of all a police officer from the midlands. Not one of them challenged me about the artifice that I had created. Why? Because throughout I had created something plausible and their desire for me, created on the basis of electronic exchanges with a complete stranger and then late night telephone calls had proven too attractive to pass up. If ever questions were asked I always had an answer.

“Why are most of your friends on FB women?”

“Many of my male friends are not on FB and those that are I see them often.I use FB to keep in touch with long-distance friends and make new ones, just like you.”

“Why aren’t there more pictures on FB of you?”

“My job (which I was always amorphous about mentioning words such as ‘finance’, ‘developing nations’ and ‘war-torn’ means if I provide clues as to where I am I could place myself at risk.”

Similar questions were always deflected with a plausible answer and they always accepted the explanation. Why? Because they liked the attention. They liked being able to have a conversation with someone who is intelligent and erudite rather than someone who writes, “Fancy a shag” as his opening gambit. I have mentioned before the poor standards of male engagement over the internet provides vast opportunities for those of us who exhibit skill. Those that I allowed beyond the false persona accepted my explanation of its use. I was engaged in tracking a fraud suspect online for a major bank and then befriending her. She knew what I looked life in real life so a false persona had to be adopted in order to draw her in. It gave the ruse credibility by interacting with lost of other people and it also allowed me to meet you. Not one of those admitted to the inner sanctum rejected this explanation or felt any annoyance at the subterfuge. They wanted something so they believed in it, whatever was said. I must admit even I was taken aback at times by how readily they had accepted it. I met all of them, some on numerous occasions and it was evident that they had considerable feelings for me and that was all good fuel. They have no idea what I am and nor would they. Some have been cast to one side whilst others are still used as pipelines as and when the need arises. Just like the catfish my barbels were attuned to sniffing out prey, but beyond that I have no likeness to such a creature. All we share in common is our ability to swim along and detect prey. The catfish combs the water whilst I cruise through cyberspace.

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61 thoughts on “Catfish”

  1. Wow, firstly, this post made me the most sad of any I have read thus far, for several reasons. My N created false fb and social media profiles to do the same thing, with fake photos and fake banter to draw in women. When I found the first One and confronted him, he called me a great detective, stating it is too bad you are so untrusting…But, he told me some story, of how it was simply a diversion when he was bored to see how many women he could collect with a photo and a five minute banter. He deleted it, I checked. But , what of all the other ones. I found two more, I nevr told him I knew about. What I tried to rationalize is why did he need adulation from strangers , when he got so much from me. Well. I didn’t know what he was then. Did I ? I just thought it isn’t worth a fight and a denial on his part, so I never told him I knew about the others and I chose not to look at them again.
    It made me sad that, he had such little self confidence, that he had to pretend to me someone the complete opposite of himself. Someone he felt was more attractive to lure women. What is even worse, he is was right as you are, women do fall for it, hook, link and sinker…to go with your cat fish analogy 😏 wow, he is so good Looking and he wants to be my friend, click, smile, accept. Not me, I have never accepted a friend request from a man I didn’t know or was not friends with someone I knew and then I Would ask them about them before accepting. But then I do not need attention, male or otherwise. I was happy in My relationship…my obviously un real relationship with a N, as he clicked away racking up the female tally.

    The difference between you and him, he never met any of them. He admitted so, he just engaged them on line and made excuses as to why he could never meet them. He needed his ego stroked and it didn’t need to be in person.

    I know it had nothing to do with me, or what I provided him, he always needed more…more attention, more love, more adoration…..strangers who perceived him as someone else, an alter ego of sorts, gave that to him in spades. I saw the real him, the one he didn’t like. I was a mirror to all things he wished to conceal.

    Here is another worrying point for me, you are British….so. What assurance do I have you are not my N. It would appear you perhaps do similar work in Marketing and Communications, both of you are educated, well spoken and well written, Intelligent, clever and humorous.
    The two exceptions are, one you seem quite self assured, where he is not. But, that can be feigned as well. Two, he would never attend therapy, he did as a teenager for a breakdown that occurred and was set against such things, I had addressed it numerous times to him as a possibility for other issues. He has never admitted to NPD.

    So if you were my N, which as I said there are many similarities. You would know it is me from the poems and information I have disclosed and posted and thusly have me at an unfair advantage. Where I am here to find closure and healing. The likelihood of you being him, is rare, but based on synchronicities of circumstance between him and I, I do not dismiss anything any more. It is still a fretful thought to entertain.
    But, then what assurance H.G. can you give me you are not him? I wonder if anyone else here, ever had a similar thought? Ever saw similarities in phrases, writing style, grandiosity. How much of what you write is reality and how much is dramatic licence?

    I am sure this makes me sound paranoid, but I think it is valid question from my perspective, at least.
    Since it was running through my mind. As I read this post, I felt I should communicate my thoughts.
    On a brighter note, that really hit home, well done.

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    1. I also worry about whether HG could be my ex narc or have my ex narc as an acquaintance. Another worrying point of this post is the geographical locations of the majority of ladies he met predominantly the north of England 😱😱😱😱that puts him in very close proximity !!!

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      1. I am so glad, it just isn’t me, I was really feeling paranoid on the possibility. HG is there something you could tell us factual about yourself, that wouldn’t give away too much, but might provide some assurance to us you are of no connection to our lives outside of here.
        I was thinking on the those locations as well, Freedom, but then they could have been used to throw off geographical location as well. Ever the clever kitty an N can be.

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      2. I am not sure if my previous response managed to eek its way through, or not. To be honest, I would rather you tell me some detail About me, that would seal it then.

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      3. We just need to be on our guard KARAA34 whether HG is or isn’t close by there will be another close by I think they are like rats we are never more than a few feet away from one.
        Sorry HG for using rats as a comparison but it seemed quite apt.

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  2. Me too sometimes it seems like if HG would be my ex, but I know he is not because his mother toungue is not english.
    This post worried me because I have accepted few people in FB that I dont know from the co-dependency groups but I do never chat with anybody really extensively… Maybe they also have fake profiles ?? 😖

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  3. Phew thanks Nikita ..that helps tremendously. If his first language isn’t English the translation to writing is impeccable then. Please don t say he is Polish, that is another whole kettle of fish to me…sorry , couldn’t resist the fish line again 😀
    I am relieved, my N is from London.
    Well to be safe, Nikita, close off most of your posts to them and Only allow them to see your public posts until you are certain they are safe.That way any personal information isn’t open to those who may misuse it. Check your settings when You get a chance. Xx

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      1. And you would never lie, right 😏 thank you for replying , I am sure you do understand my concern. When the epiphany went off, so to speak.

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    1. Thanks for the advice! Actually I have all open to my friends but no misuse until now, besides I am not anymore posting my whole life in FB… Not much going on at the moment anyway.. Retreat of self love 😀😀.
      I think you misunderstood me about HG. it is my ex who does not have english as mother language. HG I believe is a pure Brit gentleman 😜.

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      1. Now a feel a tad ill again, I think you define gentleman, more loosely then I 😉 mind you my N does present as such. Anyone unfamiliar with his ways, would never believe he is what he is. Acting school paid off 😀
        Btw, my N isn’t Polish. I was just thinking of another man I know. Who is the picture of perfection, so to speak. I believe he is the real thing. No signs ever from him.
        That is the thing, we must never allow these experiences with such individuals to taint future relationships. I would often jokingly say, I must have a magnet inside me, as I attract the same types. But, through reading, it isn’t a joke, I essentially do. My empathetic being is drawing them to me. So, unless I change who I am that will continue to happen. But, forewarned, is forearmed. we have always heard if it seems to good to be true, it probably is. Declarations of love immediately, excessive communication from the get go, isolating of Friends and family, short fuse for insignificant situations, and so forth.
        My ringer is on and volume is on high.

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  4. Okay thanks HG, I enjoy the blog, your writing and advice from you and the other readers. It is providing me tremendous insight and help. I was a bit concerned my posts were sometimes too much, In a number of respects: wordy, content, thinking out loud, et cetera.

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    1. Hey karaa34,
      We are grateful you share them. I still feel its your inner self longing for your own blog 😉 as you would continue to learn from H G ‘s invaluable insights and that if his commenters here.
      By truly seeing your own thoughts as you post (not merely reactions to H G’s articles) and “hearing” your own thoughts and the responses of your own followers you would grow further and help many more others. ❤

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      1. Your are very kind and thought, Crystal, I tried clicking on various names on blog, but couldn’t find any one with a blog. Would HG mind if you told me who has blogs for me to follow, as well. I had hoped you had, Crystal, but you didn’t either.
        Tbh, I wouldn’t know Where to start blogging. I am still considering your idea. I do enjoy writing. It is true, I do find it easier reflecting off and upon the comments of others. Points that are relatable to me.

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      2. Some commenters/followers do not have a blog, hence the reason why the name doesn’t “open”. Just try anyone’s name you come across that have made a comment. Some have an empty blog, but you can still click follow in case they ever decide to.
        And as for starting your own I believe you were born to do so. You too have alot to contribute. Click on my name I posted an article I read earlier from a site called Thought catalog. You can subscribe via email to them.
        I can relate to your ease of responding etc, but I think you will never look back once you start.
        Survivednarc and laurelwolflives have blogs.

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  5. Oh HG! Don’t know what I would do without you and the ladies ?? After finding out my ex took his new love to Mexico using my money that he wouldn’t give back! I was heart broken once again. After reading your blog and some of the comments I actually feel better. I always do. Don’t know what I’d do without you and the ladies of your harem ?! Thank you! How about a trip with you and the other ladies?? How much fun we would have and how much fuel you would receive !!❤️

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  6. Thanks for that H G. It all seemed like a midday movie (with the part missing where the person ended up murdering someone) well, I guess they had to get their storyline from somewhere. I just mean it sometimes seems you world is so surreal to those of us that are so very different to your kind. Your kind are truly skilled with regard to obtaining your objectives. As you stated, we all follow you willingly. I guess, following our own agendas and avoiding the red flags.

    It was a little ironic to find this topic today, as I was interacting with some of your followers on other blogs and just thought I’d pop over to yours and thank you for the side benefit of connecting with some genuinely lovely people, whilst seeking to learn and heal from what you wish to share.
    Your post gave me further food for thought and made me rethink everyone I come into contact with…even, for a fleeting moment, the others I mentioned earlier. I chose to take the stance of nothing ventured, nothing gained.

    I do wish to thank you for every “reality check” reminder you provide. We are but willing participants and must be responsible for any risks we continue to take after each red flag is either exposed or sighted. (Further armed with your knowledge) Our persistent intuition must be truly observed, not simply ignored for our wants to be appeased. I guess I hope that the gift you have given me is to learn my lesson quickly (if I stumble across your kind and I dare say I will always do so) and move on completely. I’m still struggling to accept that I need (as I have mentioned before) to become a mixture of narcissism and empathy. Not to any extreme of either type. Thus making me much more suited to interact with the world in general.

    I am currently undergoing changes within myself. They feel alien to me, but I know they are necessary. It has required both speaking up to others, yet more than ever a sense of being silent too. I have been disconnecting with others (some permanently), some quite comfortably and with others, whilst I’d say they believe I am doing fine with my decisions and choices, I have struggled much more internally with. I have shown them nothing. Just got on with my daily life and began focusing and interacting with those that show me that they consistently value my worth. Those that lift me up. I know I am a good person and I always aspire to be. I care about others, but lately I care about their affect on me more than anything. I no longer wish to give away my power. I am very strong and I now refuse to bare more than should be expected of anyone both healthily and normally; simply because I always could. My boundaries are now firmly in place with others. I simply have to make sure I keep them there. I have given so much of myself to others throughout my life and I finally realize it is me who is lacking as a result. People will come and people will go…its a way of life. I’m just ensuring that those that are a part of my world do not take from me more than I happily wish to give. If they can’t love after being given it, then so be it. Love extends to many different kinds, but it should never be cruel. I know some of us know little else. I simply see it now as I found love, despite being given it unconditionally during my upbringing. I know that I am worthy of it, as I give it with everything I have. Whilst I am happy to share it with others, as it comes back to you 10 fold, if it is accepted and so, is wonderful from whatever source that is. Be it man, woman, child or animal. I made myself a promise to refuse anything that constantly shows me they do not choose love. That is their choice for whatever reason they do so. I choose me now. I have to. Or this cycle of abuse, heartache and shame will never end.
    Sorry, i got a little side tracked H G. Thanks for your insights once again. My goal is to simply let the new come into my life and keep on moving if they turn out to be what I have always had. I learnt that I’ve taken care of myself and others for years when I thought I had my strength came from the others there. They never really were present in truth. That’s why I know I am strong. Everyone relied on me and regardless of how broken I felt at any given time, I always came through for them and soldiered on. I just need to use my strength for me. Your books and blog. Especially your sarcasm used on your posts/comments has assisted me greatly in this. I have one more tie to break free of and I believe this time I will do it; forever, but for now I will take it a day at a time.

    My father was a massive thing to let go of. I have done so successfully for some time now, but the true difference is within myself. It is no longer about him. Its about how I have come to feel. It is a huge difference to know something as truth and then to finally let go, as you know it is accepted and embraced within yourself, not just merely acknowledged. I forgive my dad for not being who I wanted him to be, I forgive him and set him free.
    I do the same for myself and I am learning that holding on to anything negative simply allows them to continue to hurt you. They do not need to be present, for they are within you in this way. The only true prisoner is oneself if you do not let go.
    I do not wish to shut out anyone new as they may be a N or simply toxic to me, in the short or long term. I will take my chances and trust my newly honed intuition (knowledge is power) and play it by ear. For i am an adult and have the right to my choices; even if it means walking away.

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  7. Crystal, that made me smile, the TV movie of the week, The Man she loved
    Scenes set…it is a dark and stormy night, branches slowly scraping against a window pane, as she sits in a semi darkened room, sobbing, only the light of a computer screen casting shadows around the room. Then, a message flashes up the screen, camera pans to her tear stained face, now transforming with expression of amour and joy….it is s fantasy/ horror film.
    It is so easy to connect now a days, instant communication and attraction I miss the days we we sent letters to one another. So easy to be led astray behind the guise of a computer screen.
    I so agree Crystal. A combination of Narcisist and empathetic. I think a coupling in the right proportions would serve us well. If we could think somewhat like them, yet continue to be and give and love as we are.
    These are wonderful words of self and advice for others. To maintain oneself, not become embittered to all because of a few, to heed boundaries and to stay open to love and compassion.
    Crystal, was your dad a N? I dare say, my mum was. I never liked how she treated my dad, he was and is highly empathetic person. When I was eight years old, I told my dad, standing in our kitchen, that he should divorce my mum. He never did, he stayed with her till she passed several years ago, he was always loyal. I get that love, loyalty from my dad. But, I see some things In Myself, that have been handed down from My mum. The sometimes cynicism I have, the self esteem issues formed in Her desire to control and obtain perfectionsim. I guess, we all have two sides to us. It is which we choose to harness the most.
    Yes, Crystal, being a good word on is always of value in this world of ours. bless you xx

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  8. What would you be willing to disclose, such a middle name, a favourite band, a favourite horse, last book read that wasn’t your own 😊 anything really that Would set you apart from Who we hope you are not. But, the trick is, it has to be factual.

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    1. Middle name is Greville. Favourite band (you will already have this worked out) is Depeche Mode. A favourite horse? I am not an animal lover. Last book I read was Imperial Bedrooms by Brett Easton Ellis.

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      1. Greville, is lovely name, if I had a boy, I would have called him Grayson…yes, on Depeche Mode 😊 not an animal lover, tsk tsk ….meow. A writer should always be an avid reader, I see you stick with what you know in reading material…I see a theme theme here, I know that author wrote American Psycho, as well. Is it a recommended read then ?

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      2. Yes I enjoy Brett Easton Ellis’ work. They are variations on a theme usually around excess and ennui. I enjoy Ian Banks (in fact I re-read all of the books I have by him on a recent holiday) along with numerous other authors but I am not revealing all of them just yet!

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      3. Reading keeps your mind sharp and curious. I do not know that author, what book would you recommend
        Of his? Authors won’t give clues into your identity, just your psyche.

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      4. It is a laconic novel and of course they changed the film concerning the little boy. I don’t know anybody like the main characters in the book but one can envisage easily that they exist.

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      5. Was he not a Narcissist? You can be laconic in your approach and response, don’t you think?Is it how you genuinely are or is it an illusion? How important is humour to you and your interactions, I find humour can deflect much.

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  9. Hey karaa34,
    Yes my dad is an N.
    I can relate to your post quite well. I still havent quite worked out my mum. I love her dearly. She is a complete dichotomy within herself. I wrote about her on some other comment. I don’t recall where.
    As H G says, co dependents and N’s are forged in similar circumstances. I totally agree. Your observations further cement that belief.

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  10. Crystal,
    Do you still have a relationship your dad? Yes, me too. Despite my mums behaviours I loved her. She brutalized my self esteem by being so critical. it is surprising I am not a perfectionist as a result.
    I am glad you can separate their behaviours from your feelings for them. This is probably also why we stay so long with N s.
    Yes, I think so too On co dependants, I fear I must be one too, at the very least an enabler at times. Mind you I am a healer and a caretaker, so they may be conjoined.
    I have always removed myself from toxic situations, but the fact is I am often immersed in them 😕 despite trying to avoid them.

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