Sex and the Narcissist

No holds barred and no strings attached

“Nothing…and I mean nothing…nails the sexual addiction and alternating ecstasy and despair that is the price of sex with the devil masquerading as your soul mate as is outlined in equisite painful detail by the Prince of Darkness himself. Full of enlightening description of the how’s and whys of a narcissists sexual behaviour and why and how we are ensnared. Be warned: this is a triggering…yet necessary read on the long road to Healing”.

The only unnatural sex act is that which you cannot perform

Read about how the narcissist views and uses sex and how you are central in that

US e-book here

UK e-book here

CAN e-book here

AUS e-book here

Also available in paperback on Amazon

This is classified as adult material and search filters may need adjustment.

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200 Comments

  1. Hi HG, I tried to leave a 5-Star Review for this book on Amazon, but Amazon won’t allow customers to leave Reviews unless they spend $50 in a specific period of time. I haven’t made that much in purchases. I purchased your book in printed edition. It’s extremely informative and a must-read for anyone involved with a narc. Thanks so much for teaching us about narcs. You’re a lifesaver!

  2. So (and very much damn you HG ‘cos I cannot find your latest iteration of the post!) I’m shoving my review here.

    I will draw attention to my usage of the Oxford comma. A comma I dislike for reasons. However, one had snuck in and I liked it so much I let it stay. I hope you appreciate this?

    Anyway. here is my Amazon review. Sorry it’s taken so long. Now I’m off to post it on there. I guarantee I will have to reset my fucking password to do so. Titwank.

    ————————————————————————————————————————–
    Sex and the Narcissist was the very first book I read by the author HG Tudor. Beware! It is a gateway drug. THIS is the Red Pill.

    I had become entangled with a man who I perceive to be a Narcissist. I loved him very much. He withdrew sex. He hadn’t devalued me or left me, just simply that sex was off the cards. The burning question to my mind was, ‘Why?’ HG Tudor answers this question. In spades.

    Reading this book opened my eyes to not only that narcissists’ behaviour but the behaviour my other intimate partners and of course my own behaviours in reaction. Then I started to read the other books.

    Tudor is a prolific author. Very possibly one of the most important writers on the planet. All of his books are not only intelligent, but are clearly written without obfuscation, distortion or in some cases, outright falsehoods. The subject of NPD is currently setting our own planet on fire. There are so many writers out there who do not understand when they write about the thorny topic of NPD. That is because most authors are unaware that they are also affected.

    As Tudor is aware, it makes his writing doubly important and of incredible merit.

    SATN is not an easy read in an age were sex is splashed from pillar to post. Both females and males are being held up to some expectation (which changes through the ages) as to what really truly mind-blowing sex actually is. How it is used to exploit, denigrate, cause harm and might well frankly end up with you being jailed as a ‘painted harlot’ (What’s the male equivalent of this?). All the while the narcissist stands back and giggles to themselves as they have successfully circumnavigated the system whilst leaving you high and dry. And usually alone. Tudor shows you why.

    SATN is worthwhile read despite its somewhat ‘triggering’ nature. As a sex positive educator, rape survivour, writer and author myself, I cannot commend this or any of HG Tudors’ works any more highly.

    Recommended.

    1. Thank you Renarde, I appreciate the time that you and all readers take to post constructive reviews, they are hugely important and I urge all readers to post them.

      1. I know you do. It’s my pleasure. How can I thank you enough for what you have done for me?

        In other news, yes I did have to reset my password but the review us now posted.

        Thank you x

  3. Hi HG,

    I would like to contact you direct. I had something long typed up, but it deleted somehow.

    I wasn’t sure which book I should start off with. I know I would like to read about, Sex and the Narcissist, but wasn’t sure if I should start out with a different book first. I had learned my soon to be ex husband of many years was sleeping with a woman from work for 3 years, and according to her there were others. I had found bondage videos on his browser which I had come to find that he usually deletes his history since most of the time there were no searches. I never checked his phone before, but I became obsessed on wanting the truth. When I asked the female if they did that type of stuff, she told me he made her do things she wasn’t comfortable doing. He was never like that with me, but once when we got back together he did leave my whole butt cheek completely bruised. I did tell him he was grabbing too hard, but the next day he just said, “you know you like it.”

    I have been in therapy for 9 months and have learned what he is. The woman that he had the affair with was the first to bring it to my attention. I never knew what a Narcissist was until she mentioned it. Then it was like I was reading about my own life experiences…..more like a nightmare.

    1. Hello Sherrae and welcome. You may contact me direct through the consultation options in the menu bar. I recommend you start with Evil, Fuel, Fury and Sex and the Narcissist.

        1. I’ve just come on here to post a review of SATN but I’ve seen your post.

          Do get in touch with HG. It will help. Having an intimate partner who has done this to you is unforgivable in my book. I’m so sorry.

          Also post here and let the rage out. It will help. I promise.

          There are many wise heads here. HG keeps a tight ship. You’ll be OK.

  4. “All their souls? A thousand souls to burn. Look into my eyes. Your souls are stained with the blood of the innocent. Feel their pain”…..someday this will be their penance.

  5. Ok. I fell in love with a man who was seemingly perfect. We had many common interests, he was handsome, adoring, and kind.

    We had a date planned and he didn’t show. It was weird so I went to his house. It was then that I found him drunk, sitting alone naked in the dark. He cried as he related stories to me. He was an alcoholic. When he met me he hadn’t been sober about three months and thought he was better.

    I’m a codependent in that I hate to see people suffer if I can see a way to help. So I did. I got him clean and we resumed a love that was by all intents and purposes; magical.

    I had to travel for a month for work. When I first left it was all roses. Love poems, long texts, photos, appraise… perfect. Then he just disappeared one day. I couldn’t get a hold of him.
    I was worried he was drinking again naturally but I heard from his family (who I was close with) that he was doing just fine.

    When I got home he picked me up from the airport (keep in mind we had essentially stopped talking- yet he was curiously online everyday. Social media it too telling at times) and he even LOOKED like a different person. He was sober but he had changed some how. He essentially disregarded our relationship and called me his friend? I was flabbergasted. Side note too; I was in a horrible accident and flew home with medical assistance and spent the first two days back in the US in the hospital. He never wrote, called or showed. Nada.

    He wouldn’t see me or speak to me so I confronted him one day and he lashed out at me. It physically but verbally. Abuse is the only correct word for it. I left… but curiosity got to me. I knew his social passwords and I finally gave in to my temptation to open his shit. There were strands of messages to other women, all love and adoration and even using the same lines he used on me. I was sick.

    I wrote him a letter that held “I statements” and called him out on the abuse and neglect. His response; “get f*cked you’re a crazy b*tch” and so on. All of a sudden I was the one who ruined his life. He blamed me for everything and anything.

    The hatred kept coming and I kept breaking. I couldn’t (and still can’t) forget the man I loved but this person I was speaking to was a completely different human. I went to therapy and she pointed me to your book. When I read it: chilling to say the least. I wasn’t in fact in love with a NPD alcoholic.

    He text me hateful messages yesterday, demeaning and cruel words with unfounded grounds. His accusations weren’t real. The only thing I’ve vet done wrong was look at his social stuff and he doesn’t know I did that. I know and admit that was wrong but I wanted to know if I was right in my assumptions.

    Then last night; following his hate texts earlier on, he wrote: I love you, but you have to chill <3.
    I haven't NOT been chill. I've been overwhelmed with confusion and sorrow- but kept to myself.

    I'm at a loss now. Everyone is saying; distance yourself, don't fall for him, you can't save him… but I feel bad that he is sick, that he is drinking and that he's is hurting.

    Our sex was the best sex of my life. Our love (when "normal") was the most fulfilling. I'm torn between: go after what you want, and if it's meant to be it will be. I probably sound crazy myself at this point but I REALLY LOVED HIM.

    1. I pray that you ran and stayed far away!!! HE WILL NEVER EVER CHANGE!!!
      Your story is very similar to mine. I was with him almost 4 years. Off and on up and down like a rollercoaster… I promise you, you probably don’t even know everything he was on… This last time I got into his phone he was on several dating sites, all social media (private messages), craigslist looking for sex, couples girls and guys, banglocals.com he denied all of it and said I was crazy BUT I took a video of things on his phone with my phone just to have proof…freaking sick!! Ran straight to my dr and got tested!!
      I learned you can not talk to them verbally you need everything in writing..
      Mine was is an alcoholic at night which he became physically violent at the end. He would be so wasted and say “do you really love me?” I’m a very bad man, i’m bad”
      He’d never remember in the morning…
      I could go on for hours but i’m finally good with knowing i’m in love with a facade and nothing was real except me in that relationship!!!
      I am now in process of having to take him to small claims court because he doesn’t want to pay me back money owed that I let him put something on my credit card..
      Once that’s over he’ll be gone from my life forever…
      It takes a long time to recover gettin these aholes..
      I was diagnosed with PTSD because of him…
      I PRAY FOR US ALL

      1. Omg! Same here! I was about to remarry him May 4. 🤦🏻‍♀️ 4 days after I told him I deserved more he’s on FB glorifying his new chick. He’s been busted inbox, on dating apps, cheating, begging me to watch another man have sex with me! His first wife left him Bc of the very same thing. I cannot believe how stupid I am or that I’m hurting at how easily he’s discarded me. I mean he’s grooming this younger female who is of zero threat to him. I am stark mad for being upset. I’ve known he was a pos and I chose to leave this time. My heads spinning and I fear I’ve become jaded.

      2. yes Tam, I do pray for us also… but in the end … we have the resilience.. armed with knowledge so we will heal.. love

      3. You are a very kind person. It would be incredibly narcissistic of me to say, just pray for yourself. You won’t because you hold humankind in reverence. This is good but pray for yourself first. OK?

        Oxygen mask, right?

        Now that you have acknowledged your PTSD, it will get better.

    2. I was in love w the same kind of man but he was a Meth/pill addict. He hid it or the severity of it for a long time. I even lived w him for 6mo. Long story short… I totally understand how you feel. I got so good over our 10mo of back and forth that I was able to play his game side by side &it made me scared enough to think I was turning into him!!

      1. Omg mee the same so when i did play his game its my fault he totley disregarded took no responsibility for his cheating with i kno of 3 the neighbors told me wen i left for work out of town brett would have women in and out all week long of course he denies it calls me the cheater crazy delusional always digging in to his private things ..if my gut hadn’t told me something was off if i hadn’t started digging in our 2 yr together i would’ve found the 3 women numerous profiles he has still to this day he denies everything blames me .and yet iam dieing in side thinking how could this happen heart broken depressed i dont kno how to brake free .h.hes already on to another who has money buying him things iam just sick sick full of rage and heartbreak

    3. I’ve has a similar experience. I was stuck in cognitive dissonance for months. It’s been 35 months since my breakup and I’m just now starting to entertain the idea to date again. He left me damaged.

    4. I have been going through the EXACT same situation for four years with a narcissistic alcoholic. I also opened and read his Facebook inbox messages. Same story as yours! I love him, though, for some reason? I just can’t let go. As of right now, we are together and he finally refers to me as his girlfriend, after 4 years. I know exactly what you went through.

      1. Are we all dating the same guy? Wait. No cant be. I would never be allowed to open his FB account. In fact he has me blocked in all of them lol. After 2 years I’m still not his gf. And I recently caught him cheating. Such is the life

      2. I have a few tips for helping you get over him if you choose to do so. The person you love doesn’t exist. Never did. He looked inside you to see what kind of man you would fall in love with then became that man. The asshole is the real person. They can’t keep up the facade for too long. You will see the asshole more and more.

    5. This is crazy that this came up in my feed. My story is soooooo similar. He mentally fractured me. It’s been months of healing and I still romanticize the relationship. I wanted to heal the monster, but I am clearly not equip to do so. Working on me. I’ll pray you completely let it go and find love, happiness and inner peace.

    6. Dearest Kate, I wish I could hug you now… the father of my younger son was almost the same… forget him, understand he is a kind of animal that can not love… and you can´t be anything but loving… so it will never be a match… the sex was great because he knew what you love… the only thing I am glad about that my son has never seen his father.. feel hugged

  6. Can you tell me whether narcs are born with the skills they use, or are they self created? Do they build walls and suppress natural human feeling, or is emotion just naturally missing in their DNA? My son is a narc, and I always end up hurt. Either by his attitude, or lack there of. His ghosting, I waited and waited on him for the holidays, then he swore I mistreated him and never invited him. We can be having the best time, and then, boom! What a fight, neither of us back down. Now, his ex and my grandchild are living with me, because of his drama. He does not contact his 2 children. I have to deal with that too. One is 10 and knows who his dad is, but doesn’t understand why he don’t want to talk to him. The other is 5 and autistic, and knows who he is, but the autism builds a social barrier. I just wonder, are narcs born the way they are, or self created. I can remember him growing up being cruel to his little brother. I would have to watch his every move and their every conversation. Just so strange. I was also married to a narc…. it’s hard…. that lasted a whole 3 years… never so glad to get out of something in my whole life.

  7. Run like hell…. I found out after I did the deed he had an std… Luckily I tested clean and keep getting tested 4x a year. Now do you all get it? They don’t care about us at all. It’s all for their selfish glory. I will no longer say it’s because they are broken.. They are adults and they hurt so they must hurt us. ENOUGH!!!! Take back your fucken lives. We are worth it and don’t let anyone tell you different. FUCK them!!!##

    1. I spent 14 years with mine. For many years he treated me as 2nd best, but I stayed.
      After our first 9 years of being together and being treated poorly, I decided to leave the relationship. I still loved him tremedously, but couldn’t stand the treatment anymore. After months of being apart, he came to me..a complete Casanova. Told me he would change. So I went back.
      He did change! He became the man I always wanted him to be. We even got married 5 years ago and have had a beautiful marriage (or so I thought).
      4 months ago, he blind sided me! No warning! He has decided to end our marriage and get back with his ex wife that divorced him 17 years ago. He has completely discarded me like I was nothing.
      I struggle every single day. Now that I’m away from him, I see all the narassistic behaviors that I put up with for 14 years.
      Sad thing is..I still long for him..even knowing how toxic and self absorbed he is.
      I also can’t picture being sexual wwith anyone else, because it was just that good.
      It’s hard to see the narcassist through rose colored glasses.
      But as hard as it is to let go of them, do yourself a favor and RUN!!

  8. H.G, What would you think of a narcissist who looks like if sex is taboo for him? 40yrs Male, attractive, when you talk about something related to sex, or mentions for example prostitutes, he gets embarrassed, like bothered, blushed if you talk about sex, he shows up as a sexually shy guy.

    I always saw him repressed about sex, or trying to make it look like shame, like if speak about sex would be something of second class people, not natural.

    He tried to seduce me, he could not, I escaped (I saw red flags all around, cause he was my 2nd narc) so I’ve never had sex with him, by other hand if other guys look at me or to another girl, he looks to other side, like telling them: I’m not impressed.

    Is it a behaviour of a cerebral narcissist? show to the people than sex is not important for him or something that he is unconfortable to him?
    One time he arguered and was two weeks without speak with a collegue because this guy told him to go to a bar to have sex with prostitutes.

    If sex means nothing for a cerebral narc, can it be this kind of behaviour traits of a cerebral narc?

    1. This is likely to be a Cerebral or Victim narcissist. Keep in mind also that society generally considers using a prostitute as a ‘bad’ thing and therefore the more aware narcissist would possibly argue against such use (whilst using them) in order to maintain the facade.

  9. malignnarc
    It seems to me that you
    are in this blog to get attention..
    what’s your game?
    Wait:
    HG
    malignnarc and HG Tudor are the same person ? i am confused

  10. Hi HG. I’m reading ALL of your books…I started with EVIL and it has not stopped. Reading ALL…. not sure how I’m going to seek revenge. After reading the sex book I wanted to ask you if this is a normal N trait… once ( one time) he pleased me with what was enjoyable… the rest of the sex was only missionary until he became more aggressive and pinned me down like a dog from behind calling me a 12 year old and mentioning things about how I like it like his!! I told him to never do that again. Of course then no sex and silent treatment. However back to hr one position missionary. Said it works for HIM??? I’m thinking the entire time ( becoase he told me his former wife was a narcissist and that she felt raped at he end of relationship. He said he could never be with her again. So I’m thinking entire time while he’s with me its missionary to be safe??? Or controlling?? HG. I’m so thankful for you helping others to know. I am no contact by 6 months was with him 3-4 years. I say that because it really started to go downhill after marriage which happened within months of knowing him ( my fault ). Promised me everything. I can still remember the first time having sex with him and he said omg we had Christian music playing. That was so sweet… the man who mirrored everything then would t pray with me one one after fourth month. I had been married to another man for 19 years from England ( met in college). I thought his behavior bad for cheating on me… but this 2nd marriage was by far PTSD

    Everything you have written and said helps me gain strength and grow now. To know I’m going to be okay!!! I haven’t contacted him in about 6 months but I know weakness creeps in because he made me feel loved likexno orjer in first 4 months. He sings and plays guitar. I also noticed. That in the beginning songs were uplifting and full of love. Then he started singing songs that would hurt me and say I’m crazy. Music doesn’t make you feel??? I am just a musician. I just play and sing. No emotion involved 😭😭😭😭
    I’m learning about myself to better prepare for what could happen again!!!
    Love you HG. Thank you so much ❤

      1. My exN is getting married. Someone sent me a video and she was showing her (ICe) diamond ring…saying how wonderful and amazing this firefighter is 🙈 And the wedding gonna be LIT. Our divorce was final in June. So now after knowing this new FUEL for just 2 months he’s asked her to marry. This is number 4. I now am putting more and more pieces together about N. his adopting his 4 kids and all the FUEL he gained from that chivalry. He’s is a uniformed Firechief and so he has all the people who feed him there and all the triangulation I endured for our 4 years. Then they all shut me down on Facebook. My friend screen shot and saved the video to show me. I have taken myself off of all social media to heal. However my friends wanted to illustrate more of his illness or narcissism. I guess you don’t see it as an illness ? Or maybe you do ? I know your therapy is writing and helping us, but you still seek empathy and you do same things? Do you marry like my exN or do you know better than marrying. I believe he might have met his match on this one. She will take him further down. I already was able to humiliate him during discard as he had already been told by me I won’t put up with cheating and lying. Hahaha all the stuff hex lied about and did. It’s crazy to me that now number 4 trophy wife and very much different from his other wives. I just want to gather all the women together and begin to discuss all of this crazy. I think at some point if we don’t stand up and share and be a voice then more and more people are traumatized. Yes two years to get some recovery back. It is awful what happens!! I’m glad you have educated me more about the inner thinking of N. I’m now the one to watch as he takes another one down!!! It just cannot be fulfilling or happy to be who you are???

  11. HG…I’ve read about 6-7 of your books now. I know I was married to an Elite Narcissist and I know you needed FUEL. Hard to grasp, after 4 years of rollercoaster I know now I’m not crazy. We were in counseling for months (200$ an hour to go together). I remember leaving counseling the 2nd session and he stated he and our counselor are very similar 😭 NOT!!!

    Now back to your sex book..I wanted to ask you if the withdrawal part happens early or later? We were long distance. He found me on Internet during his divorce to 2nd wife. I knew him. I had been divorced 9 years or more?

    Anyway long distance. . I hadn’t seen him for weeks. Drive 1500 miles…cleaned the house…unloaded packed car…lit candles…dressed in one of his polo shirts and was completely naked with opened. He comes into house…I surprised him and he doesn’t even come to me. Says. Get dressed we are going to visit …. I said “no you can go!” Then he came back in but it was already buzz kill especially after what I did. But FUEL. I’m going to write a book. I’m reading every single one of your books. I knew him from 20 years passed. It’s a story!!! All the crap that was weird he said about his former wives and how crazy they all were!!! Duhhhh now I’m the crazy one and everyone quit contacting me etc.

  12. I need to purchase this book. The narc I was engaged to after about 2 years started having sex with me while I was sleeping. Even after I’d say no. I’d then have to spend the whole night awake as he would keep me up picking a fight or walking around, tossing and turning. And the entire next day would be hell. So I started just letting it happen to be avoid the treatment. This more than anything is what provoked me to leave him.
    I wonder if this is common ?

    Thank you

    1. It is a fairly common form of manipulation. I you react to the picking a fight, keeping you up etc – he gains fuel. If you give in to avoid the fight etc, he gains fuel a different way and the knowledge he can control you that way so he will do it again.

          1. I know I have been quiet lately, I have enjoyed a few videos on you tube, I like to see that you are expanding your reach. I do think your writing has impacted me so greatly, I often feel beyond and over some rainbow now. I am working on adding that to my own writing/blog, of how and what happens once the light switches. The freedom and the comfort of not returning to that mind slavery, truth really does change everything once you acknowledge it. As always many thanks to, your work, my friend, HG.

    2. Waking up to someone shagging you is sexual assault, rape. My ex did it to me once and it was brutal, malicious, cruel, painful, degrading . . . after he was done, he said, “Now that’s what morning sex should be like.” Then he walked away and took a shower. I’ll never trust anyone again.

      1. And he cornered me a couple of hours later, raped me again and that was the last time he has ever touched me. He’s tried to love bomb me since but no f***ing way.

      1. He’s a somatic narc so he cheats and lies but he has recently told me he’s not doing that anymore. Gave me the password to his Facebook account and gave me a key to his house and offered to put a spyware thing on his phone so I can view everything…. I’m not sure what to think

  13. Well then I sure wish he had found someone else a long time ago I did not expect him to last as long as he did, and though I wanted the dream with him, it became very clear very early on the dream with him was a nightmare. Tell me …did he not go away cause he knew I would be ok if he did? Did he hate me so much because he could not truly encompass me that his true discard was to keep me and torture me knowing full well if he did I wouldn’t fall a part and beg for him to come back?

    1. He kept you as it clearly served a purpose to him to do so as opposed to risking you gaining some degree of freedom by allowing you to depart.

  14. My amazon review-

    I would give this book 5 stars, only it is hard to love a book that depicts the evil heart of a Narcissist and his heartless devices, thoughts and seductions on the innocent and the damaged while admitting no regret or remorse. I give it 4 stars because it is about time, people that are genuine and compassionate learn and accept there are people with gruesome personalities that literally hunt you down for one thing and one thing only, and if you read this book you will know what that thing is. This book is at best a tool for the hopeless romantic, the woman who still believe in fairy tales and that she can save a man from himself.

    1. I think my much longer tirade of thoughts was better…HG, but you can keep them for yourself…

        1. You must be reflecting on a few…I’ve been very expressive! I know sometimes I do not hold back……no more fear HG ….no more and knowing these truths you have shared with so many, has helped me take out fear and face him face to face…my what a journey it has been.

  15. This book was difficult to read at times, as the author allows you inside his mind, so you can finally know what is really going on in the mind of a Narcissist as he combines love and sex to addict, bind, and chain you to him. There are times you have to stop reading, it can be very stomach turning to believe that anyone can operate on such a cold and calculated level, all the while the victim has no clue until it’s too late.

    Shared this on my page, will write a review on Amazon as well HG.

    I have much to say about this book…….

      1. The first thing I learned reading, is why my ex tried so hard to intwine sex with love, and convince me of it, why I was challenging and bewildering to him. I do think sex is a act of love, I also feel sex is like any other body function, just as we need food we need sex to sustain our temple as a whole, and In a health sense it is wiser to remain with one partner to decrease disease etc. I think all that love fairy tale wild passionate sex that the narc is so good at is the very thing that exhausted me, and turned me off. The more theatrical the more intense lovely words the more in my mind I split myself, sure I’ll play along…but.. Are you kidding me that shit isn’t real for anyone even when it seems it is.. even normal people get knocked off the ride. This is were it all started with my ex, sex, and this is where it would end, but he made the assumption because I had been sexually abused as a child I was a sure thing in this area. I felt like the narc in sex with him, he could never get enough of me I felt seduced for 14 years, and he still was trying to entwine me with love and sex I feel like my psyche was a conquest he knew he never conquered and so he could never take anything from me because he had not found it, he knew I had never become quite addicted even when I appeared to be he woyld turn around to find I really didn’t care, cause sex was sex ..,my God, anybody can be my rock star as I can be anyone elses , big deal what else do you have to offer, but yes yes he did the porn and yes he got fuel but his Chase never stopped tried as he might it seemed he was rather addicted to me and hated me for it, I am a very submissive woman, but truth be told the submissive holds all the power. I can imagine this being very troubling to him. HG some of us are so damaged not even the likes of you can unlock every door, some of us can con and appear we have we even fool our selves because we don’t even know how great our minds have built a complicated puzzle so no one can reach our core ever again. Thanks to some 25 year old man who took it upon himself to shatter my soul at 3, no one can out due him and he stole the one piece the devil himself seeks, and God protected it since, only God and me get that piece. However I loved him and you could say it was all his charades but now that we are no longer I just see how I love him or anyone else , he didn’t convince me, it was a gift , a gift he cannot accept, because he knows not love but the gathering of fuel. So much more to say…..I’ll end as your readers swoon …it’s all an illusion remember, and it’s the submission that gives it potency not the magician …what would happen if all these empaths and co-dees realized they have the power…

        1. Indeed CC but they do not because that is how the arrangement is which serves our kind so well. You are correct; we may not be able to unlock every door but the truth is we do not need to because you provide so much of what we require anyway through those doors which you open so readily to our kind (and it happens time and time again, we rely on it and cause it to be so) and if the doors are locked and get in our way, we just go and find somebody else’s doors to unlock instead.

  16. My ex narc didn’t seem interested in sex. He wouldn’t have sex with me in his house and when I would ask why he said it was because that’s where he slept with his ex wife. He didn’t like to kiss or hold hands. Very strange. Any thoughts

    1. Either he was a victim or cerebral in nature and had no interest or he was getting the sex elsewhere. It may have been the case that he did this to test your reaction to see if you pressed him for sex or otherwise.

      1. I would ask most of the time he would but it had to be at my house. In 2 and a half years only had sex in his house twice. Did he have so much respect for his ex wife? I think it was apart of the control thing and not letting me get to close to him. When he discarded me he said I am single I sleep alone. U think ur my girlfriend and ur not. Very hurtful words after all the time we spent. I thought he wAs my best friend and that he cared about me

  17. My ex N claimed he needed a connection to have intercourse and refused to sleep with me for the first few weeks. Of course when he eventually did, the chemistry was off the charts. He was the first person to ever make love to me, we had tantric sex for hours on end just staring into each other’s eyes and he rarely came because he claimed it made him feel like he wasn’t in control. After the love bombing stage had started to wear off a bit, the intense tantric sessions stopped and he got a bit more adventurous, coming became a regular thing for him but he would still cuddle me afterwards and say loving things (sometimes).

    Throughout the relationship he claimed that he never masturbates or watches porn as it does nothing for him and he needs a connection to feel aroused.

    I left him about 3 months ago and I am still trying to get my head around whether he was actually a N or not, every other behavioural pattern points to yes, but his attitude towards sex has me a bit confused.

    Any advice?

    1. Hello Kate, have you read Sex and the Narcissist? If not there are plenty of pointers and observations there which will assist you in making the determination about him that you require.

  18. HG you must get most of your fuel from your reader’s comments. And from directing people to your book rather than answer their questions at times. You are a clever N. You are helping others understand narcissism. Giving people insight and tools to deflect such traits, very rewarding for both parties. Keep up the clever work.

    1. Hello Belle, I get some fuel from the comments but as I have explained previously, I do not know anybody who comments here and therefore the fuel is nowhere near as great as that which I gain from those who interact with in person. I direct people to the books to save me from having to type answers repeatedly (I am a creature of economy when necessary), to enable them to get an expanded answer which they are likely to find useful and to have people read my works. Thank you for your kind words.

  19. I am just about to read this book but stumbled on all your comments and Wow! I am starting to get an insight into my own pattern, I married and divorced 2 Ns, the second being the worst I was totally under his spell. I have just realised I must be addicted to these types, my latest relation NPD only ended weeks ago. I feel drained trying to stay away from him. Ns say all the right things to us empaths to get what they want and me being total empath likes to be a “fixer”. I have been like that forever. Thinking my love will change them. It doesn’t, it wastes my time my energy and my life. I have started writing a book myself, but will read yours today. I have 2 out of 3 N children aged 28 & 30, im surrounded by them. So hard to detach yourself from N offspring

    1. Hello Totalempath, you seem aptly named. It is the nature of our behaviour that we cause this addiction in you but admittedly some of our victims fall further and deeper than others. I hope you find Sex insightful. I also think you will find Fuel and Sitting Target of considerable interest.

  20. Could I ask, have you ever been in a relationship with another narcissist? Because in my experience, there is no other fuel quite like that gained from this source…

    1. Are you an N tigertiger ?

      My MN loves the PDs including Ns esp the lower functioning ones as he can play them so well.

      What do you like about the fuel from Ns ?

          1. I’ve had a very intense week, so had to skim read this very wonderful book HG which I will read again and again very soon. But I haven’t found anything which refers to you not opting for lower Ns or BPDs ? I know you prefer the empath and CD but you alsowrite about elites loving be BPDs ? Have I missed the very part I’m interested in ?

          2. Thank you for the kind words. I referred to Sitting Target Alexis as the place to find this information, not Sex and the Narcissist.

          3. Yes, that’s what I’ve read? But ice not had time to relax and read, so I’ve more been searching for the parts I want until I have time

          4. Ah, I would give you a page number but they change from what is on the original manuscript to when they go through the Kindle grinder.

          5. It’s very interesting how they pick up on cues HG, your book is very helpful, I recall on a drunken night out the very first day he started to show an interest in me, he asked a lot of questions, I forget now what he’d asked and what I’d answered, it was something about my childhood, but his reply to me was, ‘no love’ (damaged) I don’t usually discuss such things with people I don’t know, but I guess I’d been drinking and he had ‘A way’.

            But I also exhibited many red flags which I don’t understand why he didn’t just run? For example, he asked me if I’d ever cheated, I said no, never but that there had been one guy who I liked a few years earlier, we’d been friends for some time but when he’d tried to kiss me, I did not kiss him back, I them changed my number and deleted his. He sounded quite disturbed by this and said, ‘you’d never do that to me would you’ we hadn’t my response was, that there was no need because nothing was ever going to happen between us anyway. But of course, when I went NC, I did delete his number and changed mine.

        1. My MN loves them, whether it’s as a plutonic male friendship or as a romantic relationship ? I was likely the most empathetic he’s targeted (that I know of) and I’m sure you can sense I’m not so much of an empath these days HG. and the environment we know each other from is a watering hole for him.

          1. Interesting. I should imagine this watering hole will accord with one of the hunting grounds I mention in the latest publication.

          2. Closely related to one of them that’s for sure. It just amazes me how many of the Ns manage to ‘get on’ with each other. This place has a few MNs who know what they are, with many lesser Ns either due to intellect or degree of Nness.

      1. Yes….didn’t realise until I happened upon this place. It was suggested by a psychologist once, but of course myself nor anyone else could believe it…what, sweet little me?! It could be said I’m an N masquerading as a submissive empath. Personally, I’m not interested in the fuel of weak, small prey….preferring a more substantial repast.

  21. There is a spectrum of NPD where individuals with the disorder lie. I found this book to be very interesting, however to grop all N’s together and imply none of them enjoy the physical act of sex is misleading. Individuals with cluster B personality disorders may view sex differently than most and even derive “fuel” and the other things you’ve said. However, aren’t they all still human? Sex usually feels good, as does masturbation.

    1. Hi TT, thanks for your observation. I have mentioned that, as you point out we are still human, and therefore there is a physical reaction which arises from the sex act which would correlate with enjoyment but the overriding sensation equates to obtaining fuel as that is what drives us. Your final sentence is accurate since we regard sex acts as variations of masturbation which we derive some physical pleasure from.

  22. I work in mental health and possess narcissistic traits but don’t meet the diagnostic criteria for NPD. I’m drawn to narcissistic men (not malignant) and view overly empathetic people as weak. I have a very high libido and thoroughly enjoy kinky (bdsm) sex, I’m a switch. My current N would probably fall into the somatic category of narcissism. I’ve been in an affair with him for a year (I’m married) and his sex drive and love of sex seems to be legit. He’s also a switch and appears to enjoy all of the things I’ve introduced him to. My question is, being that individuals with NPD fall into a fairly wide scale, isn’t it possible that some actually enjoy the physical pleasures of sex? I don’t combine love and sex and view it as purely an act to give and receive pleasure, couldn’t people who are diagnosable narcissists and sociopaths feel the same way?

    1. Hello NotQuiteNarc and thanks for your post. Yes there will be some who do enjoy the physical pleasure of sex since their body responds to it. As I have mentioned in an answer to a similar point/question fuel remains the overriding objective. Some of our kind will derive little physical enjoyment from the sexual act as this is dwarfed by the gaining of fuel. Others will gain fuel but will also enjoy the physical sensation arising as well because they are more somatic in nature. Thus some of our kind will enjoy the physical side as well as relishing the fuel obtained.

  23. My comments are all over the place tonight Karra. lol . I’m happy that you feel less sad , but that’s the empath in me . Apparently .
    I Like being me , just as much as I imagine you like being you .

    Yes I’ve changed emotionally Karaa and the scars will take a long time to heal . But one thing is for sure . I won’t ever let another man do that to me .

    Don’t worry about being harsh with HG , remember he loves the fuel xx

  24. Lol, HG, I know you weren’t referring to my comment. To me it is only chore when it becomes routine and monotonous ie same way, every time. Variety is the spice of life. Btw, I wouldn’t it be called making unlove for you 😏

  25. Thank so much for explaining HG.

    It was often like a military exercise getting the things together before hand including him taking a Viagra . There was no spontaneity & certainly no love involved .

    In all honesty I felt nothing . It felt like a chore I needed to do & get it out of the way . I accepted it as being ” normal “, it neither stimulated or disgusted me. Once he found his new target online he started using me physically again in the absence of being unable to have her .( she lived abroad ) Even then I just wanted it over with but could never say no to him . I was too scared to & anyway at that stage I was at the point of no return .
    Happy to say I didn’t have sex with any other men , but he ground me down to the point where I very nearly agreed to it ,at which point he’d already been in contact with them and even offered to halve the petrol costs . ( again without my knowledge)