Sex and the Narcissist

No holds barred and no strings attached

“Nothing…and I mean nothing…nails the sexual addiction and alternating ecstasy and despair that is the price of sex with the devil masquerading as your soul mate as is outlined in equisite painful detail by the Prince of Darkness himself. Full of enlightening description of the how’s and whys of a narcissists sexual behaviour and why and how we are ensnared. Be warned: this is a triggering…yet necessary read on the long road to Healing”.

The only unnatural sex act is that which you cannot perform

Read about how the narcissist views and uses sex and how you are central in that

US e-book here

UK e-book here

CAN e-book here

AUS e-book here

Also available in paperback on Amazon

This is classified as adult material and search filters may need adjustment.

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158 thoughts on “Sex and the Narcissist”

  1. I think I understand fuel now HG😊

    Long before I fully understood just how diabolical my exN was, I had him in my phone contacts as Prince of Darkness with a startling ringtone. He hated that. Or did he?

    Sex was beyond insanely electrifying. I have never felt so open, so completely surrendered, deliciously dominated and in a constant state of arousal. I guess because the lovebombing stage was so lengthy and I provided him with very steady fuel in the form of adoration and attention since he appeared in my life after I had left a long term marriage with another N. I was a sitting duck for him. He knew all the right buttons to push…

    I have come a long way in the ️Healing process but I still bleed. It’s a scar that gets reopened sometimes…especially because I chose to stay alone and heal completely before being open to another relationship. I’ve tried to be with another man but being touched is a trigger.

    Of course now I feel nothing but repulsed when I remember him. Not.

    HG…really? The sex is never special? Your kind never feels anything – nothing? My exN seemed like he did very much enjoy himself but there was a strange detachment.

    I’d like to hear from others…

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    1. No he pretended to hate it to draw a reaction from you, but loved the fact you had him so labelled as this was a further reaction from which he would draw fuel.

      Yes your comments are accurate concerning why sex was so amazing.

      We are enjoying ourselves during sex because of the fuel you are providing to us. That is more important and more edifying that the physical sensations which whilst pleasant come a distant second to the fuel.

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      1. My exN was only capable of sex with no emotion, or true intimacy. He couldn’t hug, caress, kiss with any emotion, would never hold my hand unless I TOOK his hand, and even then he would let go as soon as possible. The actual “sex” was good, but he was not capable of making love. He was emotionally unavailable. Broke my heart.

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      2. The sex with mine was very intimate. We laughed, fucked, held, cried (no actual tears from him of course). I don’t ever want to feel that way with anyone again. I can totally understand the notion of bleeding, which you mention above, Bethany.

        HG, on another note, I am reading “sex…” now and though I would have never in a million years assumed this, I do suspect now that my elite narc had homosexual tendencies.
        – he mentioned once that a hay guy grabed his balls at a bar
        – made mention of a flagrant guy in another city he traveled to “liking him” and he to some level kept in contact with him via text even from here
        – made mention of two cover gay guys in a movie being OK (to the world they were straight)

        God, what is the likelihood that even as an elite, he has had interactions with men?

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      3. Hello WJH, as you will have read, sexual identity is a fluid matter and therefore a homosexual liaison may well occur for the purpose of garnering fuel. His comments may well be indicative of homosexual tendencies which he has possibly acted on or has not but is using the comments for the purpose of triangulation with you (or both).

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    2. Hi Bethany I am trying to break away from my N. I truly thought he was a good guy who just needed guidance and that I was the one to “fix” him…. Pshhhh, and was I wrong!!! I ama hard working 33 year old woman with 4 kids and very much a nurturer and giver. I found this man in the dumps two years ago. He got drunk every night jumping from bar to bar, was an emotional wreck, still crying over his estranged wife, smoking fake pot to numb his feelings and pass time all the while him and his two children were living in a trailer that should have been condemned. I saw the signs from the beginning that told me to run the other way, but he intrigued me bc I had never met anyone like him and he didn’t fall at my feet like most. I called it a connection at the time. I even had a vision upon our first meeting. The first ever actually, and now I am pretty sure I read it wrong. He was such a loose cannon almost untaimable and yes the sex has always been great. I was never very sexual until him. He has always enjoyed it as much if not more than me but at the beginning sex was a weapon. A pawn per say to reward or punish me. I knew this was wrong for him to do to me but I kept making excuses for him. So I kept giving him any and everything he has ever wanted. I was so damn awesome and good to him it made me sick knowing I was doing that just to get a sly comment that had some kind of sexual hidden innuendo. So cleaned him, his home, his kids and even tried to help his “still” wife. All the while I was loving this man and giving him all the best parts of me thinking of how wonderful life is going to be he continuously degraded me to my face, treated me as if I meant nothing, never made any effort towards, for or with me (except sexually) to make me feel special in any way. He says he wasn’t trying to do that at all and that all he ever wanted was me and that he loved me from the moment he met me but I’ve never felt so unloved by anyone in my life. He has complete disregard for everyone’s feelings or wants. He is hateful and talks cruel to the children, which I am raising his 3 as well as my 3 youngest. He is selfish, selfserving, jealous and blames me for anything wrong that he does or that happens at all. No responsibility for himself. I have had a black eye and knot on my head from a concussion where he attacked me bc I told him he was a pathetic, sorry excuse for a man. When one of his “friends” hit on me in front of him and cussed me, I got upset and left where we were and walked home. He came in drunk and telling me it was my fault bc that’s how I’ve put myself out there. I sat here and let him tear me down so much that I am literally scared of my own shadow. Before him I was scared of nothing, I had my shit together and was moving away. Then he stepped in my path and messed it all up. I have had opportunities but I let them pass me by bc I feel that everyone could potentially be like him and I can’t handle another hit. I truly thought there was good in everyone…. I thought that it is human nature to want to love , protect, give and care for each other. According to him I am wrong and I have unrealistic expectations of people. It’s awful but I lost me loving him. After he tore me down I went a little awol. Left him for 3 weeks, slept with 3 guy s(which I don’t do bc I was taught one night stands are disgusting) he begged me back. I came back . I came back bc my kids and I had nowhere to go. But yes also bc I’m scared of change. He says he loves me but his actions show he would rather hurt me than love me. I thought love is supposed to protect you, lift you and make you. What ever happened to love being happily ever after??? I want that love:'(

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      1. Dear Christina,

        I feel the pain and self loathing and despair in your words. It is a hard place to be.

        You know you must leave this toxic situation. You have always known but you are in the throes of the dark night of the journey of your soul and it’s difficult to see the forest through the trees.

        It all feels very much like he has victimized you…and he has…but fortunately soon you will gain clarity around the self destructive behaviors and unhealthy beliefs that have kept you chained. You are clearly a good person, capable and strong and nurturing. Please use all of those strengths on you and go no contact for good. This man does not love you …he is incapable. There is no way to reason with him to make him change…he doesn’t want to…his lifestyle works for him. He sounds like a sociopath, the kind that makes you always feel sorry for him- don’t.

        Please free yourself, open the cage and fly free Sister. You can and will survive. It is hard work getting out but your soul depends on it. Don’t delay. Now GO. Don’t look back.

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      2. My ex is a Malignant Narcissistic Sociopath. Here is part of what I learned on this journey. You are in a spiritual war. You are a prisoner of war who can be set free and restored. You have to be your own hero. Pray (talk) to God in the name of Jesus about what is going on. He knows every detail. You MUST ask God to help you. God WILL direct your steps and warn you. For example, your Intuition/Inner Voice is God. Coincidences are not coincidences, it is God confirming. If God shows you a way out, do NOT tell your abuser you are leaving. Pack all your essentials when he is definitely gone. You may get your kids and go to a shelter for abused women and children (as I did) out of the area asap. Do not contact him. Start over. Pray for God to guide you to the right nondenominational church which will become your Faith family. I am a survivor. I am now a better, stronger, spiritually evolved daughter of The Most High God. He has blessed me with miracles. Trust God. He’s on YOUR side!

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      3. Hey…I could have written that. I’ve never written down all of the experiences, but I have written a couple. Crazy…I’m speechless.

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      4. Yikes! Girl! It’s ALL a sick illusion! You HAVE to leave even if it means starting all over! You’re not alone, God will help you! You’re an Empath, that’s why you’re so good and want to believe in him and heal your own wounds. Your kids need you and only you can give them the happy mom they deserve.

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    3. I am still reeling at the lies and deceit, hidden behind the ‘Christian facade’ and ‘great guy’ persona. He chased me for years, as a married man who was a ‘friend’ to me, and my husband. Winning me, watching my marriage, and his end, and the lies ensued. In 6 months, four women have come forward to tell me they all thought they were ‘the only one’. Sickening tales, and manipulation at its finest. One was in his church, another watched his dogs, another gave his child art lessons, another tutored his children, and the list goes on and on. Classic narcissist, and then he begged me not to leave him, to wait for him to get therapy for his issues, and took yet another to his session. Malevolent, evil, twisted, depraved…..cunning, charming, and devoid of the capacity of empathy. How will he survive the exposure that is now rocking his world?

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      1. It depends on whether you have told him that you all know what he has been doing and whether you are making that known a wider basis. Subject to what type of narcissist he is, he may well look to discredit you through smearing in order to keep his facade in place and divide you. He will issue malign hoovers to draw fuel. If the exposure is wide and he is being discredited without his smear working, this may force a retreat on his part or even moving to pastures new.

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      2. Hello Na, it is a manipulation which is designed to draw negative fuel from an appliance, for instance, telephoning you and calling you nasty names so you cry.

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    1. Same book but no cover change. I have just used a different picture to accompany the details otherwise other platforms prevent circulation owing to the nature of the book cover content and/or the amount of text displayed.

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  2. Simply here to pay my Daily hommage to you… (sometimes done mentally after reading your work or when your teachings “pop up in my thoughts at the pertinent moment”
    Thanks for sharing your work.

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      1. I hope you meant that in a positive sense; not such as with your obligation to attend therapy.
        Whilst I’d prefer it was positive I actually appreciate it in any case. Cheers ❤

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      2. I was aware of meanings of obliged.
        Just hoping I didn’t take anything for granted. Many words have multiple meanings.
        Nice to know you do not see it as an obligation of sorts. Enjoy! 😊

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  3. This is the best book I’ve ever read.

    I’ve read many books on Ns but there is nothing else out there which explains what exactly sex means to an N.

    Hugely insightful. Leaves me wanting more………..

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      1. Evil and manipulated, round out my top three. Chained was brilliant as well. The sex related ones don’t interest me at all, as they offer me nothing.

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  4. Guess I’m also aware of the sarcasm/”humour” of your kind.

    I was “taught” by such a master.

    Perhaps, being a creature of my kind, I just naturally sees things (question things) as such now.

    Good to know that’s what YOU meant!

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  5. Sex with the devil, is a battle with sexual temptation, by which he abuses and deceptively uses sexual desire. By defiling the pearl of sexual desire and feeding it to the swines.
    Think of it this way, God is the right hand ( righteous pleasure) and the devil, is the left hand (sinful pleasure)….since the N prefers masturbation to copulation, that left hand is useful. Interestingly , both my narcs were in Fact left handed.
    And you HG, what hand are you?

    http://youtu.be/HNcPjPgbR5M

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      1. Mine is too. And I can’t stay away. The sex is amazing. I just want to enjoy it for a while. But he is killing me. His cycles run in a weekly basis. He also hides behind Christianity. Has thousands of followers in FaceBook in his bible prophecy page. I’m not sure I want to live without him. Not sure I can. Please help

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    1. My N was left handed too … man that is interesting to note. I agree about the masturbation part too. I just found out that my exN is engaged. Our divorce was final in June 2016 and he is engaged to a new woman ( not one he triangulated me with or had affairs with ). She is much younger…already wearing huge ring and looks much like a trophy wife and different from his past 3 wives now. Oh my she is in for a long ride. I want to be able to help her , but I know once you are so far in probably won’t listen. It so amazing to me because I was already trying to send my ex back to his wife prior to marrying him. He even met her for dinner and she said NO I don’t want you back…then she sat back and watched us roll out and she knew as I do now!!! It’s awful stuff. I continue to read all of your books. My very favorite still is EVIL because not one page I could take out of there!!! 77 pages of truth and I lived it. I allowed it. 😭😳😜🙈

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  6. Karaa, that is such an interesting analogy and I know on a spiritual and karmic level he represented this battle of Divine and Demonic that raged within me. The entire relationship felt like I was being dragged to the gates of hell in the grip of the devil who had drugged me with crazy making, soul stealing desire.

    I made a choice as the gates opened to break free…and left him physically. As hard as that was, breaking free mentally is the real work. Spiritually though…I feel the peace of having halted my dance with the devil. Oh the price we pay when betraying our own soul.

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      1. 😮
        Just as i was warned.
        But i tried to give it a “righteous reasonable meaning”
        What a delusion.

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    1. Ok… I am reading all this and freaking out! Your explanation and choice of words, feels like you plucked it right from my brain! I too was caught in the sexual web of a narcissist. I too left him physically but the mental part……so much harder to get over. I need to read this book! I am going into my fourth month of trying to regain my life and “find” the self I lost in that year of hell…. Thank you for the insightful information.

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      1. Hello Hearts on Fire, yes the key is to read and then understand and this will provide you with such insight that it will allow you to make sense of what has happened and plan your recovery accordingly.

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    2. I wrote a journal entitled “my descent into Hell with Michael B” titled Long before I found any of this out. When I showed him the title needless to say I was punished

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  7. I felt he was wounded and damaged and in brief moments of clarity I saw how shape shifting and true pathology…and what felt very dark. Yet I stuck around. My own damaged, wounded co-dependency and magical thinking overriding my ability to act positively on my own behalf.

    Someone mentioned that anyone in a LTR with an N is damaged goods themselves and that’s very true. My exN brilliantly illuminated all the wounds of my inner child for me…and that is a gift I shall always treasure.

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    1. I understand this as I suffered abuse from a narcissistic parent as a child. I’ve been trying to escape an ongoing ltr with an N that’s also been emotionally and verbally abusing me. The sexual pressure to fullfill every fantasy of his has also been a source of ongoing pressure I could’ve done without. This isn’t love, it’s possession. I felt like a slave for too long. He even told me he was sticking with me until “something better” came along. Spiteful is just the tip of the iceberg, and his sexual demands and sense of entitlement he had over me made me feel anxious and obligated to do what he wanted or face more abuse.

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  8. Just finished read this , excellent book , if not jaw dropping in some places for me especially when he was discarding me .. Will leave a review HG . Ty .

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      1. HG I have a burning question that I’m sure you’ll be able to answer.

        It’s VERY personal & quite explicit, something that wasn’t answered in the book . . Am I okay to ask you here?

        Very rare I leave book reviews so you are honored Mr Tudor 🙂 Thank you .

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  9. Thanks HG . In the discard stage , narc developed so very strange sexual needs ( for want of a better word) ..

    He wanted if fact no , made me tie up his testicles very tightly with anything to hand & then had me kick or punch them .
    At the same time I had to use various sex toys on him , usually a dildo anally and metal bars inserted into his penis.

    Sometimes I had to masturbate him & when he ejaculated it had to be into a glass , which he would then drink .
    My question is that he appeared to get some sexual kick out of it because of the frequency he wanted me to do this. I felt no better than a prostitute when he posted holiday pictures without my knowledge online asking for other men to sleep with me while he watched ..
    What did he get out of this ?I understand now it was control with the men , but the other things ?

    Thanks for replying .

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    1. The kick he would be getting from this would be by way of power over you and fuel. Power because you went along with what he wanted,by complying with his desire to engage in what would be regarding as outside of normative sexual behaviour. Fuel because of your reaction to these acts. How did you react? Did it stimulate you? Did you twist your face in disgust? Did you delight in giving him what he asked for? Any and all of these will have provided him with fuel. As I wrote in Sex and the Narcissist, vanilla sex is not for us. The engagement in these behaviours satisfies the reinforcement of central elements of how he regarded himself in terms of what he wanted the world to see. I actually expand on these central elements in Revenge. He wanted to show he was special, entitled, omnipotent and others besides in order to underline and reinforce this image. He engaged in this conduct (and I should imagine more you did not know about) to exert control, achieve fuel and reinforce these elements. There may also be other psychological issues at play given the element of submission and humiliation involved but those would be for a specialist in that field to comment on.

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      1. I am terrified to read this. Envelope pushing… Taking…compromising my safety for his own enjoyment.. Possibly drugging me to achieve his needs…all sounds too familiar..

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    2. It sounds to me So sad, that his goal was to devalue your self esteem with such behaviours. Especially if they were not present in the golden period. My first narc was sexually blaise to me, but I was aware eventually that his method of sex was to demean me as well. It never worked though.
      My second narc and last, I might add, was in sync with me sexually, it was perfection. We both enjoyed all the same things. Sexually unadventurous men bore me. He was highly impassioned in all the best ways. I can not fault him that way at all.
      It is wrong to force anyone to perform sex acts that demean them or make me them feel at ill ease. It is just another measure of control and cruelty. The fact he essentially tried to pimp you out to other men, is beyond appalling. I am so pleased, you are rid of that scourge.
      Least you are now aware of signs to look for and it avoid men with such proclivities.

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    3. Could be due to repetition compulsion, where we are destined to repeat trauma from our past which may not necessarily have been a sexual trauma. Or it could have been as simple as he discovered that a small amount of pain during orgasm heightens the experience and whilst these acts are not typical of all men, as HG says, Ns don’t like vanilla sex. And we know Ns always need to experience their highs at another level.

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  10. Thank so much for explaining HG.

    It was often like a military exercise getting the things together before hand including him taking a Viagra . There was no spontaneity & certainly no love involved .

    In all honesty I felt nothing . It felt like a chore I needed to do & get it out of the way . I accepted it as being ” normal “, it neither stimulated or disgusted me. Once he found his new target online he started using me physically again in the absence of being unable to have her .( she lived abroad ) Even then I just wanted it over with but could never say no to him . I was too scared to & anyway at that stage I was at the point of no return .
    Happy to say I didn’t have sex with any other men , but he ground me down to the point where I very nearly agreed to it ,at which point he’d already been in contact with them and even offered to halve the petrol costs . ( again without my knowledge)

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    1. This makes me sad…. insert many expletives here…..I am glad you retained detached from it, I smiled when you said it was chore that had to get done

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      1. Aw.. Don’t be sad Karra . I’m out of it now thankfully .:)

        It was a chore though , but mentally I tuned out . I went through the actions in the same way as I approached dusting or ironing & all the other mundane task life brings . In a way I wish he could’ve read my mind , because it certainly wasn’t in the same place as his 🙂

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      2. That description makes me less sad, yes I am happy you are out of it too. Plus, a victory for you in many ways. The sex was meaningless to you, ha ha on him.

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  11. Lol, HG, I know you weren’t referring to my comment. To me it is only chore when it becomes routine and monotonous ie same way, every time. Variety is the spice of life. Btw, I wouldn’t it be called making unlove for you 😏

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  12. My comments are all over the place tonight Karra. lol . I’m happy that you feel less sad , but that’s the empath in me . Apparently .
    I Like being me , just as much as I imagine you like being you .

    Yes I’ve changed emotionally Karaa and the scars will take a long time to heal . But one thing is for sure . I won’t ever let another man do that to me .

    Don’t worry about being harsh with HG , remember he loves the fuel xx

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  13. I work in mental health and possess narcissistic traits but don’t meet the diagnostic criteria for NPD. I’m drawn to narcissistic men (not malignant) and view overly empathetic people as weak. I have a very high libido and thoroughly enjoy kinky (bdsm) sex, I’m a switch. My current N would probably fall into the somatic category of narcissism. I’ve been in an affair with him for a year (I’m married) and his sex drive and love of sex seems to be legit. He’s also a switch and appears to enjoy all of the things I’ve introduced him to. My question is, being that individuals with NPD fall into a fairly wide scale, isn’t it possible that some actually enjoy the physical pleasures of sex? I don’t combine love and sex and view it as purely an act to give and receive pleasure, couldn’t people who are diagnosable narcissists and sociopaths feel the same way?

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    1. Hello NotQuiteNarc and thanks for your post. Yes there will be some who do enjoy the physical pleasure of sex since their body responds to it. As I have mentioned in an answer to a similar point/question fuel remains the overriding objective. Some of our kind will derive little physical enjoyment from the sexual act as this is dwarfed by the gaining of fuel. Others will gain fuel but will also enjoy the physical sensation arising as well because they are more somatic in nature. Thus some of our kind will enjoy the physical side as well as relishing the fuel obtained.

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  14. There is a spectrum of NPD where individuals with the disorder lie. I found this book to be very interesting, however to grop all N’s together and imply none of them enjoy the physical act of sex is misleading. Individuals with cluster B personality disorders may view sex differently than most and even derive “fuel” and the other things you’ve said. However, aren’t they all still human? Sex usually feels good, as does masturbation.

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    1. Hi TT, thanks for your observation. I have mentioned that, as you point out we are still human, and therefore there is a physical reaction which arises from the sex act which would correlate with enjoyment but the overriding sensation equates to obtaining fuel as that is what drives us. Your final sentence is accurate since we regard sex acts as variations of masturbation which we derive some physical pleasure from.

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  15. Could I ask, have you ever been in a relationship with another narcissist? Because in my experience, there is no other fuel quite like that gained from this source…

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      1. I’ve had a very intense week, so had to skim read this very wonderful book HG which I will read again and again very soon. But I haven’t found anything which refers to you not opting for lower Ns or BPDs ? I know you prefer the empath and CD but you alsowrite about elites loving be BPDs ? Have I missed the very part I’m interested in ?

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      2. It’s very interesting how they pick up on cues HG, your book is very helpful, I recall on a drunken night out the very first day he started to show an interest in me, he asked a lot of questions, I forget now what he’d asked and what I’d answered, it was something about my childhood, but his reply to me was, ‘no love’ (damaged) I don’t usually discuss such things with people I don’t know, but I guess I’d been drinking and he had ‘A way’.

        But I also exhibited many red flags which I don’t understand why he didn’t just run? For example, he asked me if I’d ever cheated, I said no, never but that there had been one guy who I liked a few years earlier, we’d been friends for some time but when he’d tried to kiss me, I did not kiss him back, I them changed my number and deleted his. He sounded quite disturbed by this and said, ‘you’d never do that to me would you’ we hadn’t my response was, that there was no need because nothing was ever going to happen between us anyway. But of course, when I went NC, I did delete his number and changed mine.

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      3. My MN loves them, whether it’s as a plutonic male friendship or as a romantic relationship ? I was likely the most empathetic he’s targeted (that I know of) and I’m sure you can sense I’m not so much of an empath these days HG. and the environment we know each other from is a watering hole for him.

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      4. Closely related to one of them that’s for sure. It just amazes me how many of the Ns manage to ‘get on’ with each other. This place has a few MNs who know what they are, with many lesser Ns either due to intellect or degree of Nness.

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      5. Yes….didn’t realise until I happened upon this place. It was suggested by a psychologist once, but of course myself nor anyone else could believe it…what, sweet little me?! It could be said I’m an N masquerading as a submissive empath. Personally, I’m not interested in the fuel of weak, small prey….preferring a more substantial repast.

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  16. I am just about to read this book but stumbled on all your comments and Wow! I am starting to get an insight into my own pattern, I married and divorced 2 Ns, the second being the worst I was totally under his spell. I have just realised I must be addicted to these types, my latest relation NPD only ended weeks ago. I feel drained trying to stay away from him. Ns say all the right things to us empaths to get what they want and me being total empath likes to be a “fixer”. I have been like that forever. Thinking my love will change them. It doesn’t, it wastes my time my energy and my life. I have started writing a book myself, but will read yours today. I have 2 out of 3 N children aged 28 & 30, im surrounded by them. So hard to detach yourself from N offspring

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    1. Hello Totalempath, you seem aptly named. It is the nature of our behaviour that we cause this addiction in you but admittedly some of our victims fall further and deeper than others. I hope you find Sex insightful. I also think you will find Fuel and Sitting Target of considerable interest.

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  17. HG you must get most of your fuel from your reader’s comments. And from directing people to your book rather than answer their questions at times. You are a clever N. You are helping others understand narcissism. Giving people insight and tools to deflect such traits, very rewarding for both parties. Keep up the clever work.

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    1. Hello Belle, I get some fuel from the comments but as I have explained previously, I do not know anybody who comments here and therefore the fuel is nowhere near as great as that which I gain from those who interact with in person. I direct people to the books to save me from having to type answers repeatedly (I am a creature of economy when necessary), to enable them to get an expanded answer which they are likely to find useful and to have people read my works. Thank you for your kind words.

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  18. My ex N claimed he needed a connection to have intercourse and refused to sleep with me for the first few weeks. Of course when he eventually did, the chemistry was off the charts. He was the first person to ever make love to me, we had tantric sex for hours on end just staring into each other’s eyes and he rarely came because he claimed it made him feel like he wasn’t in control. After the love bombing stage had started to wear off a bit, the intense tantric sessions stopped and he got a bit more adventurous, coming became a regular thing for him but he would still cuddle me afterwards and say loving things (sometimes).

    Throughout the relationship he claimed that he never masturbates or watches porn as it does nothing for him and he needs a connection to feel aroused.

    I left him about 3 months ago and I am still trying to get my head around whether he was actually a N or not, every other behavioural pattern points to yes, but his attitude towards sex has me a bit confused.

    Any advice?

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    1. Hello Kate, have you read Sex and the Narcissist? If not there are plenty of pointers and observations there which will assist you in making the determination about him that you require.

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  19. My ex narc didn’t seem interested in sex. He wouldn’t have sex with me in his house and when I would ask why he said it was because that’s where he slept with his ex wife. He didn’t like to kiss or hold hands. Very strange. Any thoughts

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    1. Either he was a victim or cerebral in nature and had no interest or he was getting the sex elsewhere. It may have been the case that he did this to test your reaction to see if you pressed him for sex or otherwise.

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      1. I would ask most of the time he would but it had to be at my house. In 2 and a half years only had sex in his house twice. Did he have so much respect for his ex wife? I think it was apart of the control thing and not letting me get to close to him. When he discarded me he said I am single I sleep alone. U think ur my girlfriend and ur not. Very hurtful words after all the time we spent. I thought he wAs my best friend and that he cared about me

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  20. This book was difficult to read at times, as the author allows you inside his mind, so you can finally know what is really going on in the mind of a Narcissist as he combines love and sex to addict, bind, and chain you to him. There are times you have to stop reading, it can be very stomach turning to believe that anyone can operate on such a cold and calculated level, all the while the victim has no clue until it’s too late.

    Shared this on my page, will write a review on Amazon as well HG.

    I have much to say about this book…….

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      1. The first thing I learned reading, is why my ex tried so hard to intwine sex with love, and convince me of it, why I was challenging and bewildering to him. I do think sex is a act of love, I also feel sex is like any other body function, just as we need food we need sex to sustain our temple as a whole, and In a health sense it is wiser to remain with one partner to decrease disease etc. I think all that love fairy tale wild passionate sex that the narc is so good at is the very thing that exhausted me, and turned me off. The more theatrical the more intense lovely words the more in my mind I split myself, sure I’ll play along…but.. Are you kidding me that shit isn’t real for anyone even when it seems it is.. even normal people get knocked off the ride. This is were it all started with my ex, sex, and this is where it would end, but he made the assumption because I had been sexually abused as a child I was a sure thing in this area. I felt like the narc in sex with him, he could never get enough of me I felt seduced for 14 years, and he still was trying to entwine me with love and sex I feel like my psyche was a conquest he knew he never conquered and so he could never take anything from me because he had not found it, he knew I had never become quite addicted even when I appeared to be he woyld turn around to find I really didn’t care, cause sex was sex ..,my God, anybody can be my rock star as I can be anyone elses , big deal what else do you have to offer, but yes yes he did the porn and yes he got fuel but his Chase never stopped tried as he might it seemed he was rather addicted to me and hated me for it, I am a very submissive woman, but truth be told the submissive holds all the power. I can imagine this being very troubling to him. HG some of us are so damaged not even the likes of you can unlock every door, some of us can con and appear we have we even fool our selves because we don’t even know how great our minds have built a complicated puzzle so no one can reach our core ever again. Thanks to some 25 year old man who took it upon himself to shatter my soul at 3, no one can out due him and he stole the one piece the devil himself seeks, and God protected it since, only God and me get that piece. However I loved him and you could say it was all his charades but now that we are no longer I just see how I love him or anyone else , he didn’t convince me, it was a gift , a gift he cannot accept, because he knows not love but the gathering of fuel. So much more to say…..I’ll end as your readers swoon …it’s all an illusion remember, and it’s the submission that gives it potency not the magician …what would happen if all these empaths and co-dees realized they have the power…

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      2. Indeed CC but they do not because that is how the arrangement is which serves our kind so well. You are correct; we may not be able to unlock every door but the truth is we do not need to because you provide so much of what we require anyway through those doors which you open so readily to our kind (and it happens time and time again, we rely on it and cause it to be so) and if the doors are locked and get in our way, we just go and find somebody else’s doors to unlock instead.

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  21. My amazon review-

    I would give this book 5 stars, only it is hard to love a book that depicts the evil heart of a Narcissist and his heartless devices, thoughts and seductions on the innocent and the damaged while admitting no regret or remorse. I give it 4 stars because it is about time, people that are genuine and compassionate learn and accept there are people with gruesome personalities that literally hunt you down for one thing and one thing only, and if you read this book you will know what that thing is. This book is at best a tool for the hopeless romantic, the woman who still believe in fairy tales and that she can save a man from himself.

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    1. I think my much longer tirade of thoughts was better…HG, but you can keep them for yourself…

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      1. You must be reflecting on a few…I’ve been very expressive! I know sometimes I do not hold back……no more fear HG ….no more and knowing these truths you have shared with so many, has helped me take out fear and face him face to face…my what a journey it has been.

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  22. Well then I sure wish he had found someone else a long time ago I did not expect him to last as long as he did, and though I wanted the dream with him, it became very clear very early on the dream with him was a nightmare. Tell me …did he not go away cause he knew I would be ok if he did? Did he hate me so much because he could not truly encompass me that his true discard was to keep me and torture me knowing full well if he did I wouldn’t fall a part and beg for him to come back?

    1+
      1. He’s a somatic narc so he cheats and lies but he has recently told me he’s not doing that anymore. Gave me the password to his Facebook account and gave me a key to his house and offered to put a spyware thing on his phone so I can view everything…. I’m not sure what to think

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  23. I need to purchase this book. The narc I was engaged to after about 2 years started having sex with me while I was sleeping. Even after I’d say no. I’d then have to spend the whole night awake as he would keep me up picking a fight or walking around, tossing and turning. And the entire next day would be hell. So I started just letting it happen to be avoid the treatment. This more than anything is what provoked me to leave him.
    I wonder if this is common ?

    Thank you

    1+
    1. It is a fairly common form of manipulation. I you react to the picking a fight, keeping you up etc – he gains fuel. If you give in to avoid the fight etc, he gains fuel a different way and the knowledge he can control you that way so he will do it again.

      1+
      1. I know I have been quiet lately, I have enjoyed a few videos on you tube, I like to see that you are expanding your reach. I do think your writing has impacted me so greatly, I often feel beyond and over some rainbow now. I am working on adding that to my own writing/blog, of how and what happens once the light switches. The freedom and the comfort of not returning to that mind slavery, truth really does change everything once you acknowledge it. As always many thanks to, your work, my friend, HG.

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  24. HG…I’ve read about 6-7 of your books now. I know I was married to an Elite Narcissist and I know you needed FUEL. Hard to grasp, after 4 years of rollercoaster I know now I’m not crazy. We were in counseling for months (200$ an hour to go together). I remember leaving counseling the 2nd session and he stated he and our counselor are very similar 😭 NOT!!!

    Now back to your sex book..I wanted to ask you if the withdrawal part happens early or later? We were long distance. He found me on Internet during his divorce to 2nd wife. I knew him. I had been divorced 9 years or more?

    Anyway long distance. . I hadn’t seen him for weeks. Drive 1500 miles…cleaned the house…unloaded packed car…lit candles…dressed in one of his polo shirts and was completely naked with opened. He comes into house…I surprised him and he doesn’t even come to me. Says. Get dressed we are going to visit …. I said “no you can go!” Then he came back in but it was already buzz kill especially after what I did. But FUEL. I’m going to write a book. I’m reading every single one of your books. I knew him from 20 years passed. It’s a story!!! All the crap that was weird he said about his former wives and how crazy they all were!!! Duhhhh now I’m the crazy one and everyone quit contacting me etc.

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  25. Hi HG. I’m reading ALL of your books…I started with EVIL and it has not stopped. Reading ALL…. not sure how I’m going to seek revenge. After reading the sex book I wanted to ask you if this is a normal N trait… once ( one time) he pleased me with what was enjoyable… the rest of the sex was only missionary until he became more aggressive and pinned me down like a dog from behind calling me a 12 year old and mentioning things about how I like it like his!! I told him to never do that again. Of course then no sex and silent treatment. However back to hr one position missionary. Said it works for HIM??? I’m thinking the entire time ( becoase he told me his former wife was a narcissist and that she felt raped at he end of relationship. He said he could never be with her again. So I’m thinking entire time while he’s with me its missionary to be safe??? Or controlling?? HG. I’m so thankful for you helping others to know. I am no contact by 6 months was with him 3-4 years. I say that because it really started to go downhill after marriage which happened within months of knowing him ( my fault ). Promised me everything. I can still remember the first time having sex with him and he said omg we had Christian music playing. That was so sweet… the man who mirrored everything then would t pray with me one one after fourth month. I had been married to another man for 19 years from England ( met in college). I thought his behavior bad for cheating on me… but this 2nd marriage was by far PTSD

    Everything you have written and said helps me gain strength and grow now. To know I’m going to be okay!!! I haven’t contacted him in about 6 months but I know weakness creeps in because he made me feel loved likexno orjer in first 4 months. He sings and plays guitar. I also noticed. That in the beginning songs were uplifting and full of love. Then he started singing songs that would hurt me and say I’m crazy. Music doesn’t make you feel??? I am just a musician. I just play and sing. No emotion involved 😭😭😭😭
    I’m learning about myself to better prepare for what could happen again!!!
    Love you HG. Thank you so much ❤

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      1. My exN is getting married. Someone sent me a video and she was showing her (ICe) diamond ring…saying how wonderful and amazing this firefighter is 🙈 And the wedding gonna be LIT. Our divorce was final in June. So now after knowing this new FUEL for just 2 months he’s asked her to marry. This is number 4. I now am putting more and more pieces together about N. his adopting his 4 kids and all the FUEL he gained from that chivalry. He’s is a uniformed Firechief and so he has all the people who feed him there and all the triangulation I endured for our 4 years. Then they all shut me down on Facebook. My friend screen shot and saved the video to show me. I have taken myself off of all social media to heal. However my friends wanted to illustrate more of his illness or narcissism. I guess you don’t see it as an illness ? Or maybe you do ? I know your therapy is writing and helping us, but you still seek empathy and you do same things? Do you marry like my exN or do you know better than marrying. I believe he might have met his match on this one. She will take him further down. I already was able to humiliate him during discard as he had already been told by me I won’t put up with cheating and lying. Hahaha all the stuff hex lied about and did. It’s crazy to me that now number 4 trophy wife and very much different from his other wives. I just want to gather all the women together and begin to discuss all of this crazy. I think at some point if we don’t stand up and share and be a voice then more and more people are traumatized. Yes two years to get some recovery back. It is awful what happens!! I’m glad you have educated me more about the inner thinking of N. I’m now the one to watch as he takes another one down!!! It just cannot be fulfilling or happy to be who you are???

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  26. malignnarc
    It seems to me that you
    are in this blog to get attention..
    what’s your game?
    Wait:
    HG
    malignnarc and HG Tudor are the same person ? i am confused

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  27. H.G, What would you think of a narcissist who looks like if sex is taboo for him? 40yrs Male, attractive, when you talk about something related to sex, or mentions for example prostitutes, he gets embarrassed, like bothered, blushed if you talk about sex, he shows up as a sexually shy guy.

    I always saw him repressed about sex, or trying to make it look like shame, like if speak about sex would be something of second class people, not natural.

    He tried to seduce me, he could not, I escaped (I saw red flags all around, cause he was my 2nd narc) so I’ve never had sex with him, by other hand if other guys look at me or to another girl, he looks to other side, like telling them: I’m not impressed.

    Is it a behaviour of a cerebral narcissist? show to the people than sex is not important for him or something that he is unconfortable to him?
    One time he arguered and was two weeks without speak with a collegue because this guy told him to go to a bar to have sex with prostitutes.

    If sex means nothing for a cerebral narc, can it be this kind of behaviour traits of a cerebral narc?

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    1. This is likely to be a Cerebral or Victim narcissist. Keep in mind also that society generally considers using a prostitute as a ‘bad’ thing and therefore the more aware narcissist would possibly argue against such use (whilst using them) in order to maintain the facade.

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  28. Run like hell…. I found out after I did the deed he had an std… Luckily I tested clean and keep getting tested 4x a year. Now do you all get it? They don’t care about us at all. It’s all for their selfish glory. I will no longer say it’s because they are broken.. They are adults and they hurt so they must hurt us. ENOUGH!!!! Take back your fucken lives. We are worth it and don’t let anyone tell you different. FUCK them!!!##

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  29. Can you tell me whether narcs are born with the skills they use, or are they self created? Do they build walls and suppress natural human feeling, or is emotion just naturally missing in their DNA? My son is a narc, and I always end up hurt. Either by his attitude, or lack there of. His ghosting, I waited and waited on him for the holidays, then he swore I mistreated him and never invited him. We can be having the best time, and then, boom! What a fight, neither of us back down. Now, his ex and my grandchild are living with me, because of his drama. He does not contact his 2 children. I have to deal with that too. One is 10 and knows who his dad is, but doesn’t understand why he don’t want to talk to him. The other is 5 and autistic, and knows who he is, but the autism builds a social barrier. I just wonder, are narcs born the way they are, or self created. I can remember him growing up being cruel to his little brother. I would have to watch his every move and their every conversation. Just so strange. I was also married to a narc…. it’s hard…. that lasted a whole 3 years… never so glad to get out of something in my whole life.

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