Can You Feel Me?

Can you feel me next to you? I am there. I am with you. I always am. Even when I am not physically present I am besides you, wrapped around you and with you. I promised that I would always be with you and I meant that promise. It is my role to ensure that I am always there, so you feel safe and reassured by my presence. Do you feel me there? Yes that’s right, you can feel me in the pit of your stomach, that light sensation which is a mixture of delight and anticipation. Can you feel my touch on your skin? Yes, that tingling feeling you are experiencing right now is me placing a guarding hand upon you. Do you feel my breath upon your neck as I whisper besides you? I thought so. I am everywhere and always with you, maintaining my role as your guardian and protector. You are never alone and therefore never need feel alone. I am always watching over you and ensuring that you come to no harm. When you wake in the middle of those dark hours and feel like you are falling I will be there to catch you. I have you in my arms as I am strong and fearless. Whatever slings and arrows that come your way you can rest easy knowing that they shall never penetrate my defences. I have built my walls thick, the towers high and my citadel is impregnable. You are safe there. Do you feel my essence within you, lifting you up and guiding you? Do you feel my touch on your shoulder steering you through that maze of indecision and trepidation? You will readily pass through it. Feel my hand in yours as I shall never let you go. I shall lead you past those false guardians who writhe with jealousy at what we have, their seditious words bouncing against my shield and dissipating on the righteous truth that resides there. These gargoyles cannot harm you. They may hiss and claw the air but that only highlights their impotence for they cannot pierce the veil that I have drawn about you which protects you by my very presence. When you feel despair reach deep inside of yourself and you will find me there. A core of reassurance that is within you ready to be called upon whenever you require. I am about you, within you and around you, protecting you with my massive angelic wingspan so the brutes and fiends can find no way through. These charlatans and deviants fall at your feet, overwhelmed by the magnificence you display as my aura shines around you. I am always there fore you, guiding, leading, shielding and completing. Do you feel me?

I am coiled around you squeezing the living breath from you. Do you feel me? Do you feel that cold dread hand as it grips your throat, preventing you from calling out. Do you recall the times you woke shaking as the nightmare had its hold over you as you felt paralysed and unable to speak. Do you feel me do that to you now? Do you feel my toxins pouring through your weakening body as I feast on you. I am all around you. I am all about you. I am inside you. Does your skin itch with that sense of filth that has lingered for too long about you? Can you hear the vitriolic words as I hiss them into your ravaged ears? Of course you can because I am right beside you. Do you feel my hot and fetid breath against your cheek as I continue with my tirade of abuse, the soiled words spilling over like a fountain of grime which spatters against your once flawless skin and sticks to it. Try as you might to remove it, no matter how hard you pull and scrub the mire cannot be removed because I am all around you. I am tangled in your hair, lurking under your eyelids, tucked beneath your nails and pulsing through your heart. I sit like a lead weight on your chest slowly crushing you as more weights are piled on and the noxious air in your lungs is steadily pushed from inside you. My polluting touch pockmarks your skin and my sharp nails tear at you, leaving scratches across you that sting and continue to remind you of my presence. My blackened soul has poured into your mouth, your nose and your ears, infesting you. The poison blocks your lungs, trickles into your blood and insidiously creeps towards your failing heart. Do you feel me inside you now? Does that rising sense of panic tell you that I am very much a part of you now? Does that awful anxiety signal to you that you and I have become one? You consented of course. You wanted me all about you, around you and inside you, do you remember that? Or is it the case that the fog which has enveloped you is dulling your mind and slowing your thinking? Your eyes once so full of life and vibrancy now only show that dulled reflection of my leering face as I hold your limp head next to mine and peer into your eyes searching for that flicker of fuel that I know is still somewhere inside you, waiting to be extracted. Do you feel the strings as I pull them ,jerking your arms and making you continue your dance with me even though you have no will to do so? Do you feel those attachments yank you along taking you to places you do not want to go when you once did? Can you feel me? I know you can because you let me in. You allowed me access and I flooded you with my magnificence in order to admit my malice. Can you feel anything other than my malign grip around you? I suspect not as I see you are weakening by the moment. I have engulfed you, encompassed you and enveloped you. You and I have merged and become one with one another. You are me and I am you. Tell me, how does it feel?

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74 thoughts on “Can You Feel Me?”

  1. Brilliant piece of writing HG.
    Everything is there….
    If you wrote no more then this would suffice.
    I felt nothing reading it. Even tried to put a feminine slant on it so as to facilitate identification. But nothing.
    No feelings.
    Thank you.
    Mike.

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    1. That is wonderful Mike that the words cannot evoke dark memories in you. Steps toward healing, indeed. The words resonated with me, but I love the feel of words as they slide over me. He was absent in the reading for me. Plus, he was not malignant N. He was more the breeze to another’s tornado.

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    2. Took a break to read this post. I was waiting sikce the morning. Same here no feelings. Only fascinated on how you write. English not being my native toungue, I had to look many words up making it even more interesting. I like it when I read you and have no feelings. Only fascination on how you write.

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  2. I so relate to that image,perhaps I need an exorcism (narcocism) to release the darkness that shrouds and blackens my soul by my ex.
    He invades me dreams, more then he pervades my thoughts. But, then my dreams are lasting in thought.
    I used those exact words in a poem I sent my last N, you have engulfed, encompassed and enveloped my very being, this is where you shall stay, nestled in my soul. Something of that nature, I would have to find that poem again. Yes, I did invite him in, as his altered presence was most lovely, a shape shifter was he. I also closed the door, after he departed and encased myself in a fortress. Sadly, I may use the tower too often to scan the landscape.
    What you describe is true evil, mine was not, I class him as pure ego. So, no guardsmen with arrows perched atop my tower to pierce him down upon an imminent arrival or Hoover.
    As I said, he shall not Come hither on my beckoning. He has slithered to the other side.
    Wonderful writing HG, I could feel it deeply… but not him.

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    1. I need to make an obvious amendment, the words that I used in the poem I wrote him, that you used in your writing, made me feel him. Damnit.

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  3. It made me think how once he asked me to send him all the poems he wrote me, for he was to have them made into a book for my birthday. The surprise was, however, I never received said book. I asked him, why wouldn’t he have kept the poems he wrote to me, he said …they were for you, I had no need to keep them. I said, I kept all the ones I wrote for you. I knew, when the book was never given to me, that he only wanted the poems so he could present to other women as well. I doubt many would have had my appreciation of the words. He promised to do so many sweet things then they never happened. I never asked him for anything. I enjoyed doing things for him, because I loved him. Key point, HE NEVER LOVED ME. There now once written that memory is purged.

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  4. I agree with you Mike , amazing HG . For me it had the opposite effect . I could feel my heart racing as I continued to read , flashbacks to the days when I was” protected” from everyone even my own family . He would stand my ground for me as I became weaker , see other men off if they showed any interest in me . I saw this as jealousy because he loved me & cared for me when in fact he was slowly Isolating me .

    Once he had me where he wanted me , he chipped away at my confidence & self esteem , to the point I was terrified of him and his moods, scared to say or do the wrong thing , always trying to please .
    My voice was lost even though I wanted to scream out & tell him I hated him and wanted him gone from my life & yet at the same time I wanted the man I fell in love with back . I didn’t want to be alone so I accepted it.
    The more I did , the more he took advantage of it , the more control he gained , the worse the violence & intimidation became . I didn’t recognise myself anymore. The once happy go lucky person I was turned a sad , scared , isolated shell . ..

    I realised what it was to be lonely in a relationship .

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  5. Reblogged this on Your Journey Begins Today and commented:
    From The Wolves Mouth to His Babes Ears…HG Tudor is a must read for all Victims to know how they view you. It is abuse. Its is torment. And it is Evil in human form

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  6. Yes, I do…feel you. Though diminishing…both sides of that coin are exactly as the whole experience. How do you know this so well?

    “You’re part of me now”…he said in a haunted tone. I thought it was so romantic. If only I knew what he truly meant. I may have mustered up the strength to go.

    A part of me knew. There were times when he looked so predator like into my eyes…yes, he was looking for something. Fuel. Now I see. That gaze sometimes caused me to “play dead”…my eyes involuntarily glossing over and my mind retreating behind some kind of black curtain…as if to hide from him.

    There were warnings from every corner of my being. But I refused to relent. Until the bitter end. When I let go…and he let me.

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  7. Isn’t it simply bizarre that N’s exist and, though they come in many colors and shapes and flavors, they share this common core agenda and seem completely uniform in the tools they use to carry it out?

    Shaking my head…not drying my hair.

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  8. It is the most insidious kind of evil that I could ever imagine. The devil that masquerades as an angel. Uggh! YUCK lol. But very well written.

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  9. Humans cannot hide away from the challenges of life or the risks that it presents….. to live a riskless life is to live half a life….
    You live a brave and bold life…. you survive the most unfair slings and arrows… and you should celebrate that as a positive thing…
    You are like a warrior queen….. you should celebrate your strength and kindness x

    This was written in an email to me from my N, after he found out I was in a car accident, I didn’t hear from him again for two months!!!! As HG stated, they don’t do sick or helping or healing, et cetera. I suppose this was his lovely attempt at appearing nurturing. It was yet another huge fail, on his behalf. Any time I was sick , flu cold etc,me was gone as well. luckily I was rarely sick, whereas he feigned sick continuously for my care and compassion.
    The other reason for showing this as, other then him, you are the only other person I am familiar with who has used that phrase, slings and arrows.
    So , obviously when exact phrases and combinations of words and writing style and humour are duplicated….it falls under the concept of …Things that make you go…hmm. Thoughts to ponder and such.

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      1. Yes, from Hamlet… but other then himself and you, that isn’t a reference an average person would make regarding circumstances. Do you think? Well, I suppose it would be for you two, as you are both highly intellectual and well read. He was a fine arts and drama major at school. I did say, In a post awhile back, he was a good actor 😏 I dare say the two of you would most likely have much in common, not withstanding Narcissism by the way, I mean musically, literature, astute ability to express and communicate, humour and many facets of personality. Including, Brilliance..

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      2. He is a graphic designer and writer as well. I always said he used his degree to meet women 😏 as he nevr became an actor lol

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      3. I think he could have won awards, I the role of loving and loyal boyfriend….the acting was top notch I must say.

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      4. I suppose I shouldn’t be singing his praises, but tearing him down instead….not my style, not how I roll 😏 admittedly, he is no way near as clever and brilliant as you, he is but a shadow cast upon the ground from your illuminating sun.

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  10. Thank you again HG for another wonderful piece of writing!! I always enjoy reading you and getting lost in your words. He would often say he could feel me, that he knew when I was awake, that he could feel me all around him. Could I feel him? I could feel him, I could even feel when he was hurt or had one of his bad headaches. Once he broke a silent treatment because I kept asking if he was ok that I had a really strong feeling inside me that something was wrong with him. He broke it to ask what I meant by a really strong feeling. I told him I was getting ready to go outside and I had a strange feeling overcome me that something was wrong with him and he was ill. He said that he had a stomach virus and was in the bathroom being sick when he got my text. Another time he had an accident ended up with two black eyes and a concussion. Makes me feel good now to know that I actually freaked him out!!

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    1. I had that too fool me, like an almost psychic connection, I knew when he was going to leave for periods of time, I felt it, I would say to him towards the last year. You will be gone awhile, won’t you, he would always deny it. It would always say I dont know I will gone, I would say you do when it has passed several days, the. He would admit yes, then I do. He would always promise contact in between to reassure me, but now I know the point was nevr reassurance, it was punishment.
      It was the feeling I had, the tone of what he said to me I just knew. Mine had headaches a lot too, mostly eye related. I don’t know if my sensing, ever freaked mine out, he often made me seem like I was paranoid. Yours probably thought you were a witch, maybe it made me a tad fearful 😏

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      1. Karra, funny you should bring up witch. He would call me that! I think it was the Native American blood in me and the fact that I practiced many of there ceremonies and spiritual celebrations. Thank you for replying sometimes HG makes me feel like I’m going backwards instead of forwards! Probably because I’m not as capable at writing as most of you and do not have your intellect. I still have feelings though. Maybe it’s time for me to find another N that has a blog.? 🌹

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      2. I have tremendous respect for Native American teaching and their high importance on the spirits and spiritual guidance ❤️
        I nevr see your posts as you see them, I see them as helpful to others and insightful and thoughtful. You know, I often just write without thinking then a big jumbled mess appears, but they are my thoughts and you and me and everyone has a right to express our feelings and thoughts. My ex felt I didn’t, but we do. I have to admit, I feel the same as you, I wonder, if I upset HG with the things I write, as I often do not temper my emotions. I need to not personalize it, as a good friend has told me. It is not about me. I take things to heart and think I did something wrong, old childhood wounds lay deep. I say, keep writing, keep asking questions and you will always get an answer from someone. But, more importantly, you express yourself. You won’t go backwards, forwards and upward for you ❤️

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  11. HG , could you answer this question for me? Have your doctors ever discussed with you any potential link between pathological narcissism, which is the result of trauma generated disassociation and disassocaitive disorder ? I truly feel there is a link, based on my last N. And if that is the case, then he did not willingly abandon or set out to hurt me or anyone. There would then be no definitive intention to harm.
    The man I loved and whom I believed loved me, when he went away or prior to going away I would notice distinct change in demeanour or personality, increased anger or self righteous behaviour, memory lapse, references to self, indications of eye pain or head ache or dizziness.
    As you recall that was my first reasoning for his behaviour. Then I read the narcissistic phases… that he also engaged in. But, what if the love bombing was him and the devaluation phase was an alter who resented me getting to close, potentially alerting him of the truth. What if during the silent treatments, he was absent due to the returned presence of said narcissistic alter.
    He often never recalled being ill, when he was many times, he nevr recalled his birthdate even, he once when I showed him the most favorite poem he wrote me, stated that is really nice, it describes you well, when did you write that? He never recalled being hospitalized for meningitis in 2012, he was In there almost a month. He would refer to himself different ways according to the mood he was in, abbreviated form of his name and when in devaluing state, full name.The list is endless. Hence why I originally thought D.I.D., but he also shows all the signs of being a narcissist.. I am also aware of the sexual trauma he experienced in childhood. He was highly opposed to any type of treatment, stating that he would get over it, it would pass and he would be himself again.
    This is just a hypothetical I am proposing .
    HG…..Do you think this is a possibility?
    What is your take on this suggestion of comorbidity? I would love to hear it.

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    1. Interesting observations Kara. We have not touched on such theories but the journey is continuing so it may yet appear in my consultations with the good doctors. I understand the point you are making and that the love bombing was the real person and then the alter who appears to conduct the devaluation is another form of personality whose appearance is linked, as you suggest, to the fact the alter resents you getting close. Presumably the real self returns to conduct the Hoover? It is an interesting suggestion and my immediate thoughts are these.
      I am no expect of disassociative disorder and have never experienced it in anybody that I know. I do not know the frequency by which the personality shifts between the various alters but it occurs to me that two points complicate our suggestion.
      1. The love-bombing and the golden period last months maybe longer. Would the same personality stay in place for so long without any appearance from the alter? That to me seems unlikely.
      2. If the appearance of an alter is a defence mechanism to you becoming close and thus devaluation begins I would expect this to happen much sooner since the closeness with a narcissist happens quickly. We fall in love more or less straight away and our victims follow soon after. I would have expected on your suggestion therefore that the alter would make a much earlier appearance.
      You suggest love-bombing might be the real him but love-bombing is not a natural act. It is a calculated and sustained act of manipulation. The process of falling in love and becoming close between non-narcissists takes longer and is more of a slow burn. Love-bombing is an artifice.
      I also understand that the alter personalities often have no awareness of one another, yet we know what we have done during seduction and then devaluation and then discard and Hoover. I know our denial of ever having said something, which is designed to manipulate you and our contradictory state we adopt could appear like some episodic memory loss akin to disassociative disorder but again we know we have said something contradictory we just do not admit it.
      It is not beyond the realms of possibility that a narcissist could suffer from a comorbid disorder as you suggest, certainly the way that the narcissist flicks between nice and naughty causes people to say “it was like dealing with two different people” but I think that it is akin to the nature of the narcissist and not necessarily disassociative disorder. I should imagine if there was a co-morbid situation one would see a much earlier appearance by the alter, during the love-bombing. Accordingly, it could happen but I never come across it. I shall wait to see if the good doctors raise it in any way.
      I did once watch a video on YouTube of a goth like lady who claimed to have seven alters and her video went through her supposedly revealing these different alters. I spent a long while laughing at her terrible acting and annoyed Hannah by suggesting that she recruited this lady to help her rehearsals.

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      1. Very interesting explanation. Wow. I had never thought about that. But I agree with you that love bombing is artificial and planned. Every song, color, scent. This is magnifecently described by you…
        But I tend to think there is still something real about it on the very basic. Its like when woman wear makeup I would say…. a superficial comment I know but more or less that is how I see it. 😖

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  12. Thank you for your lengthy observations,I really appreciate the time you took to state them. You seem to be fixated on two basic points I had suggested, which were not fixed points of my arguement, so to speak…love bombing and devaluation, I saw changes intermittently throughout entire relationship, through all phases. I mentioned those two as the Jekyll/ Hyde comparison…night and day behaviours, the switching back from each. I probably should really edit my writings to be more precise. I just type and send 😊
    Not that the alter resented me for getting personally or emotionally close, but for finding out information about him, Relaying it to my partner ,as I did and for the potential to create chaos for the alter or my partners awareness, which would do the same. I originally assumed disassociation based on key traits, but that was before I found through your work and readings the true nature of Narcsisism.
    I keep going back trying to find other aspects that may determine awareness of behaviour change. Narcsisism seems to be the prevalent one for him. But, disassociation may also a component . So, my query was more to the fact that perhaps he was experiencing both disorders simultaneously. Alters do have awareness of each other, only the host, or real person, is unaware of the alters. The goal, outside of integration is for autonomy of personalities.
    Or I am grasping at straws again with him. I asked him directly about disassociation and Narcisism, he was insulted by the first suggestion and simply gave me reasons as to why he couldn’t be a Narcsisist, citing empathy as the main reason.
    Yes, those YouTube views are quite degrading to the disorder.I have worked with an individual who at the time it was classed multiple personality disorder (mpd), the switching of alters can be very subtle, others quite prounouced. One would have to carefully observe behaviour , especially under stressful conditions, I did notice at times he cited work stressors, this was more noticeable or times he cited illness.

    Nonetheless, I wondered if the doctors had brooched the topic with you at all. Please let me know if they do and what their opinion is as well.
    You are the expert In the area of Narcsisism, all I knew prior to you was stereotypical behaviour, which is just the tip of the iceberg.
    I suppose I should have presented my hypothesis a bit more clearly to you. But, you did extensively cover it all for me. Thank you. I know he is an N, maybe I should just leave it as such. As he would never seek treatment and discussion of such with him was never an option. As I am certain he felt offended by the suggestion. Which in fact, I hold no judgment at all over such things regarding anyone, loved one or stranger.
    Much appreciation for helping me reside my mind on these issues. As, I continue to state, the need for closure is important to me. This truly helps, thank you.

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    1. Kara.
      May i suggest (in your pursuit for info) pose this question to sam vaknin (he studied psychology in depth and has mnpd. He has a complex book full of psychological speak uf you’re interested) and spartan life coach may be able to source this info for you if he is unsure. He often consults sam vaknin who has studied all such things in depth for many years.

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    2. That’s it isn’t it Kaara , finding closure . I wish I could say to him what I want to say , tell him all the things I know he is . Vent my suppressed anger & rage .. I would never expect an apology because that would be admitting to himself that what he did to me was wrong , It’s a double edged sword yet narcs always seem to win . ( or think they do)

      I hope you find closure Karra. For me learning & understanding seems to be the way , followed by a smug feeling inside, that he will never stop searching for something he will never have . True Happiness . x

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      1. Learning and understanding are the absolute key factors to dealing with what has happened to you. And then there is always revenge…..

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      2. Yes, me too So sad, I know some to not get this need in us, but it is A strong need.no we will nevr get an apology, not a genuine at least, hollow ones are worthless. Yes, I agree So Sad, learning helps us get the understanding we seek and the closure we need, even if we cannot get it from them. I wish the same healing for you as well xxx yes, they will nevr have what we have inside of us and though we may be emotional creatures, it is through that emotion that we feel and live and contribute to this world and others.

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      1. Malignarc,

        Why isn’t any of your other Ebooks available for purchase at the moment? A narc plot to create demand, or a faulty management by Amazon/Kindle?

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      2. The UK Amazon site, checking it from Germany (for ‘No Contact’ and ‘Escape’). They display the samples, but no purchase button. Instead, it states “This title is not currently available for purchase.” What a pity… I might consider buying Sam Vaknin aka the Original Malignarc’s 3.000 page book instead? 😉

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      3. Very simple. You cannot buy the book in a different country if there is an Amazon site for where you are. Thus you need the Amazon.de site. Not sure why you would be trying to make a purchase on the UK site when you are based in Germany?!

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      4. I’m not a big Amazon user so I just clicked on the links you presented. When I open my Amazon.de account, they usually direct me to the best options for the item I search for (regardless of where it comes from), but in case of the Kindle editions of your books, it does not work.

        I will try again though using the laptop. Maybe – no: surely! – it’s all my fault;-))

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      1. I will buy it, but not now, as I am of same mind, it is of no use to me…but perhaps to see how they take revenge and how we can derail their revenge on us…that would be helpful.

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  13. Why…You make Yourself to look like a monster over and over again? No, I don’t feel You ….. I don’t know how that feels…

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