One Thing Leads To Another
So your break-up was hard and it left you wounded, the injuries both physical but mainly emotional and you have kept yourself locked away for months now. Seeking isolation as a means to address the upset that you have experienced and vowing never to date again. Your resolve has increased, with daily deliverances as to what he did mounting up as you hear about an accumulation of abhorrent actions. You decided to focus on what mattered to you and thus relationships were consigned to the back of your mind. Feeling stronger, the wounds healing yet not healed you face repeated invitations from your well-meaning friends, friends who have supported you through this unpleasant period of your life, to come out of hiding and let yourself shine once more. You agree and after extensive preparation you emerge,like a hibernating creature and join your friends in that bar that has been refurbished and is a honey pot for all the beautiful creatures.
I see you stood there at the bar. You are stood slightly apart from your friends as if seeking to preserve your personal space. I see conversation is directed your way and recognise that your friends are paying you what I would regard as an excessive level of attention as if they are repeatedly checking that you are okay. Occasionally hands touch your arm by way of reassurance and heads lean in as soft faces radiate kind expressions. I know you are being looked after. I know that you are being protected and that means you have been wounded. I scent the blood that has been spilled in your past and wait until the ‘phones are wielded to take various posed photographs. Time to approach.
I make my way to the bar and slightly turn to observe you and your friends as the photos continue. One catches my eye and I smile. She responds with her own smile and nudges her friend.
“Would you like me to take one of you all?” I ask as I move alongside you. Nods of appreciation follow and I am handed phone after phone as I commit your group photo to a digital memory. I engage in polite yet playful conversation with you all but remain focussed on your reactions. You are hesitant but laughing at my words, seemingly wanting to embrace them yet unsure as to whether you should. I pull out my own phone and take a picture of you all and then alter the focus so the lens homes in on you and you alone as I take a burst of pictures before wishing you an enjoyable evening and withdrawing to my waiting lieutenants. It is not long before a search of your image has given me your name and I am able to ascertain some of your interests from your Face book profile which include the fact that you are a keen dancer and have won several dance competitions. I do some research into dance competitions for young men and prepare my hook of having been a dancer in my youth although a football injury put paid to my burgeoning progress. I absorb a few key elements of terminology and then make my move towards you. I flick the first domino and it begins to fall into the second.
We talk. We drink. We dance. I learn more about you. I impress judging by your friends’ responses. I secure your number and give you mine. I text courteously the next day. A dinner date is secured. The date goes well. I learn more about you, compiling my dossier about you as a follow-up date is readily agreed to. I surprise you with tickets to a ballet performance. You are delighted. The dominos keep tumbling. Your resistance evaporates. Date three is a pushover and then the dates become more frequent. I am in your house. I am in your bed. I am inside you. Three weeks becomes three months. The dominos keep tumbling as I know all about your past. I know all about your present too from my snooping. I engulf you in my world my lieutenants circling about you. I grab the wool and pull it over your supporters’ eyes, recruiting two of them into my fold. I raise you up. I draw you in. I flatter and charm.
Your time is with me. Your phone full of my love. Your weekends are filled by me. I stay at yours and you at mine. The toothbrush appears and then the overnight bag which remains in place. You wash the clothes for me and then I am there more than I am not. I disconnect those who serve no purpose from your network but you seem not to notice. Your eyes show me how enchanted you are as those dominos continue to tumble. The holidays are booked as I start to invade your future. I check your phone for you and relay messages. I read your post but you do not mind as I do it when you are busy to help you out. Naturally. The salami slices as I impose my world on you and you readily submit. I know all your friends, I know all about your work, your hobbies and your family. I am regarded as the ideal tonic after ‘him’ who we laugh about and who I know is one of my brethren but I never tell you. Your days are mapped out for you by me and you tell me often how lucky you feel. I do not disagree. I move in but keep my own house as ‘the market is not right to sell just now’. That bolthole is going nowhere. The social circle is established. You are elated. The world is offered to you and as the dominos clack clack clack you accept it all. The ring appears and you say yes. A date is set and plans are made as I give you the future. The tendrils are all around you, the fuel lines in place but of course you do not notice. I am with you, in you and around you. You sit at breakfast admiring the glinting ring on your finger as you remark.
“Do you know it is six months since we met in that bar? Who’d have thought it?”
I send you that special smile and you fail to notice my eyes blacken for an instant because you are still yet to discover that one thing leads to another.
81 thoughts on “One Thing Leads To Another”
When he became me and I became him. When there was no beginning and no end. With the infinite loop of a figure 8 sideways. With this tears stream down my face as this is how he took, NO! I was tricked into handing my power over.
I was [falsely] loved so deep as to serve him my heart on a platter. With my heart in his hands he squeezed every last bit he could until I begged for his forgiveness and promised him days of better. Self conditioning over and over begging and pleading I was like no other. Sliced away bit by bit until there was no light left to be lit. Then and only then would he began to beam with brightness that resembled the sun hitting a piece of coal.
What fuel? What empowerment? I don’t understand. It can’t last very long. Is it an energy to maintain facade? You lot haven’t ever appeared empowered to me because of the constant insecurity.
Fuel is gained from the emotional response of various sources. The chief one is the primary source, the person that the narcissist is in an intimate relationship with (although it can be a family member is rare instances). There are secondary and tertiary sources as well. The provision of fuel creates power in the narcissist. This powers the construct that has been created. This serves two purposes. The first is to draw more people to the narcissist through the construct and the second is for the construct to remain intact to keep the creature that lurks inside under control. The insecurity you refer to is a manifestation of the wariness and paranoia that lurks with our kind and is probably as a consequence of fuel levels dropping. In order to understand this is greater detail I suggest you read Fuel and also Fury. Those books will assist.
then You assume that the devaluation will happen because she’ll fail to keep that fuel coming? or simply because You simply fancy a shift in moods? Tell me. ♥
It has always been the case so far.
Sorry as I told T not Karaa
HG as I told karaa this was the most recognized site and I had not paid but this guy yes because you can only contact people when you pay, else you can only look. To respond I would have also had to pay so thanks to him I saved that money as I think Im not the person to this kind of dating.
HG, if the quality of my fuel lessened….perhaps the quality of his fuel lessened in my eyes. I’m not a narc, but his love and attention was over 10 in the love bomb stage and then it went down to 5!!! I gave into his demands (always beautiful, I stopped wearing jeans, I was ready on time when he arrived, returned his calls ASAP). It was he that stopped appreciating what a catch I was once he “had” me. He could date Miss America/Mother Teresa rolled into one, and he still wouldn’t have a woman that loved him more that I did….and had his back like I did….
Well that was when he began to devalue you. All our victims love us like nobody else has before or since, that is not arrogance, it is how we make people feel. Once he had you as you describe he regarded you as not giving him the fuel he required (in your reality you may think nothing changed but it is not your reality he views the world through it is his reality and in that the fuel changed, so he did)
Well said, Nikita, working on loving yourself. I shamefully admit I met one of my narcs on dating site, the one I got rid of, the malignant one, that cancer was promptly removed. I smirk when I hear there was an earth quake in Peru….that was a joke, of sorts…I wish for no one to ever be hurt. But him, him literally crawling out form the rubble as I did metaphorically.
I prefer to meet someone through someone, so background is verifiably checked.
He was Peruvian?? Im also latin ☀️☀️.
True better meet someone through someone. Totally agree.
No, he was English. but, after I discarded him, he moved onto a Peruvian target. I am not manageable type for an N , I am too emotional, as last one said, I did his head in, I just can’t help it, etc…..that’s right, I am always me, not fake, just real.
You sound like a supertanker of fuel to me. I would ensnare you as soon as I possibly could.
We’ll lucky for me, you were not on the scene….small blessings.
So I could really cause some damage if I exploded 🔥
No just a huge dose of fuel.
Makes it sound a bit akin to a sexual disease, a dose of the clap, I went for the old joke.
Never heard match nor know what that is.
This site I went to was also the most Swiss recognized site. Not cheap neither but thanks to that idiot I was there not more than 3 hours. I suppose there are good people in this Elite site as it was recommended by some people of my office who are in there and are very good people, with high positions etc.
I think I spend that money on snowboarding or diving or whatever else.
If im not wrong it was like 400 euro for 6 months.
Nikita, If your friends and colleagues recommend a dating site-and have had good luck with it…why not try it?
The more expensive it is-the better!
I stay far and clear of the free ones! You truly get what you pay for! Although, some of my friends use OKCupid (US) (free), and have met nice people on there!
,,,,,I have been hoovered….. My fb was hacked 2 weeks ago…same with my gmail. He is also using the same dating site that we met on….so that I see his profile whenever I log in…those are all indirect hoovers I suppose. I have accepted the breakup….I just don’t understand why he can’t just say goodbye pleasantly….like most people….*smh*
Why say goodbye pleasantly when there is fuel to obtain T?
I’ve read most of your books, HG. I know your type never accepts blame….apologizes….or leaves a relationship without burning bridges….but destroying a prime source of fuel just because he wishes to punish me seems crazy! Where does the hate come from? I never betrayed him….not once…
He won’t destroy you but he will aim to get close. He will not destroy you as he will want to Hoover and gain more fuel. You did betray him, in his eyes, because you lessened the quality of the fuel and that tells him that you do not think he is as good as he regards himself to be, i.e. criticism and as you know we hate criticism.
Because he claimed to love and respect me….and I have been through a lot because I lost my dad and stepmom through all of this….I did absolutely nothing wrong. Because I have accepted the break up and I am not in the way of him finding another woman…..since he feels I failed him..I don’t want him back…..I don’t need his blessing to move on and find love again. This hate he has for me makes ABSOLUTELY no sense….he should be grateful that I don’t hate HIM!
So, why not just say goodbye nicely? He got everything he wanted out of all of this, HG?
No he hasn’t. He will want more fuel from you. We always do. Hoover fuel is the best fuel. Of course it makes no sense when viewed through your reality. His hatred is because you are not giving him what he wants, the Hoover fuel so he is unleashing all of this hatred at you.
I read once an article of Sam V that those dating sites are populated with Narcissists. Or even HG himself is a fan of dating sites.
I would be terrified to put my profile in such a platform, for all narcissists to prey on to 😖😖😖.
Two years ago when I recently separted from a 14 year old marriage my best friend and me ( gay man-the best friend a woman can have), made a profile of myself in such a site. I described myself like I am.
Open, not complicated, outdoor person etc.
Some hours after I had an email and we opened it and it was a guy in his early 40 asking me directly if I was interested in BDSM. Can you imagine ??😖😖. We immediately deleted my profile and I thought never again.
I wonder how many of the readers here met their N’s in such a site. Maybe they already met HG in a british online dating site 😂😂.
Will you continue to use dating sites?
Dating sites are populated by false profile generated by the dating site itself, fake profiles generates by people already in relationships who want “a bit on the side” and fake profiles used as a means of stalking and checking on somebody who is on the site. Our kind lurk in the latter two instances. I have also mentioned before that generally the calibre of male profiles is poor with their conversational skill lacking as exhibited with opening gambits such as “Hi hun, you have nice tits” to “Fancy a shag” . Cruising amidst these plankton and bottom feeders as we sharks and our articulate nature and charm are a welcome contrast to such idiocy and thus already the victim is well pre-disposed towards us. By the way, sorry about the e-mail Nikita, it was meant for someone else!
Hahahaha very funny HG. The email was in German 😝😝😝.
Thanks for the dating site explanation. I know A few cases from my office that have worked but I would be terrified and pretty sure that like in real life the most narcissistic will be attracted to my profile 😱😱😱. Im busy falling in love with myself anyway 😍😍.
This subject is highly discussed during lunch at my workplace because in such a busy world it seems the only way to meet dates is through those sites 😱😱😱.
Indeed one of my childhood girlfriends met her husband through an internet dating site. She seems very happy so it appears it can work. I would think you would be better off only using the paid sites as this would eliminate much of the riff-raff (and leave a better quality of empath for us!)
Nikita, I use Match and that is a very reputable site here in the US. I’ve only had one experience like the one you described.
Match isn’t cheap and that weeds out most of the freaks. I’ve been back on since Mid January and I haven’t met a BF yet….(usually takes 2-8 weeks) I’ve been wined and dined and met some nice men. Stick with the paid sites. I’m sure there are N’s on there….but I have met N’s off line as well!
I am on Match. I like it too.
Perhaps you all don’t work the same way…mine had such a furious temper he would break up and use the silent treatment without any backup primary fuel except for his poor family that took the brunt of his abuse and fury….
His silent treatment to me was enough for him…..until I decided to cut ties because I thought the silence was disrespectful–I guess then he decided to discard me….he had not secured another woman yet…but his need to punish me trumped his need for fuel….I don’t understand it…hurting me seems MOST important to him. HG, I really don’t understand where all of his HATE for me is coming from. We did love and respect each other at one point.
I’ve been no contact since 1/6/16.
HG, I have not got a hoover since then…..where do you think his head is regarding our relationship? He is still active on Match.com…he could have secured another target by now…..I feel I need to watch my back…
He will be focussing on a new source of primary fuel following the instigation of new contact but he will Hoover at some point, especially if you present an opportunity to do so.
He has been back on Match since December, HG….it just seems like he would have found a replacement by now….
He claimed I had everything he wanted in a woman….I am still stunned he ruined it all and just threw it all away….refused to apologize….and began to hate ME! I treated him like a king! I won’t be easy to replace….*smh*….he ruined everything himself, HG…..
Indeed he did but not in his eyes and he knows and I can sense it in what you write that he can gain further fuel from you given your reaction.
I have never understood how there are women hooked at men that treat them so bad… Well 8 months is long…. 😢
Trauma bonding. Learning why you are hooked helps to set you free. Unfortunately most people do not know the psychology behind their love for their abuser.
Thanks D 😃
Addiction, low self esteem, fear and love rolled into one entangled ball.
My God! If you change the setting from a bar to a University Homecoming Football Game, you just described how my Narc approached me and we met. I was planning to stay home alone that day and my best friend gently coerced me to come with her family to her son’s Homecoming Football Game. I had recently stopped dating someone I saw for about 6 months because he got back with an ex girlfriend. I was definitely being protected & nurtured that day. So bittersweet…
Know makes you wonder what men are really looking for when they see us out socially. I always thought the agenda was they were on the make, wanting to meet a nice girl, having a good time…not a seek and destroy covert mission very possible 😕
Oh, there’s a plethora of those guys out there too. I just never attract them. I seem to be a repellant for them. Lol
Devaluation period, for me, I stuck around for 12 years…8 months sounds right, I knew early on, yet I hung on for all the wrong reasons, till I literally realized I had to choose life or death…
Hi Tera, what made you hang on?
You make my blood run cold!
Then come here and let me warm you up !
Oh my god!!!! The tendrils are out!!!!
And snaking towards you.
Thank you for that honest answer, if I knew it would fail, no. But if I wasn’t certain, I would attempt to try.
You had previously said in a blog post, I believe, that normally after six months devaluation starts for you. What was the longest relationship, time wise for you before devaluation began?
Just over a year.
So ideally, was that too long or did it feel right at the time. Do you prefer shorter phases or is the goal to increase phases, or die it just happen as it happens. Mine was almost two years before any devaluation occurred, ie silent treatments and blaming and anger. Yet he was 90% still affectionate and loving and supportive to me at that time. Prior to me finding information out.
It worked at the time as the fuel was at the required level.
What’s the longest someone has been able to stay hooked to you either during devaluation and / or post discard.
I’m feeling like I wouldn’t be any good at an endurance game. I had to get out of there after only a few weeks of devaluation !
During devaluation the longest was eight months or thereabouts.. Post discard they all stay hooked, one way or another. You would not have got away from me after a few weeks Alexis.
Hahahha I bet HG ! And I’m sure I’d still be hooked too! I just find mine rather amusing now.
That is a useful way of dealing with him.
How long did Karen hang on?
Not long enough.
With lady who had the kid that you took to soccer training??
I find the first scenario least offensive and less hurtful, as most people would help someone find love, if they believe that is the others person agenda. Where I take issue, are the individuals that assist you knowingly in the harm of an another. If you have an issue with someone that is no one elses responsibility to fix it or clean it up hut yours. Is it solely because you do not wish to be associated with the deed, due to potential implications such as legal or criminal? Why do they agree to do such things for you? I am curious. The first I can understand, the second baffles me.
They see this person as a threat. Remember they are loyal to me. My lieutenants are like white blood cells attacking an infection. They do not see it as harm which they are administering but rather help to me and justice to the transgressor. If I have an issue with someone but they are alive to my machinations then I must have them dealt with in another way. Of course I am content to do it myself but if I see that this will not work I will not waste my time and energy. Why should I? Do you decide to do things which you know will fail? I suspect not. There is, as the saying goes, more than one way to skin a cat. It is often because the act must be committed and I need a front by which to do it.
Ever the animal lover 😕
I can assert that no animals were harmed in the writing of this idiom.
Brilliant article HG. Your lieutenants, so they know what you’re up to exactly ? Perhaps not the complete injury you inflect on your target, but do they know it is all a game to you ? Or do they beleive each time that this one could be the one for you ?
I’m interested because, in case you forgot, my MN and N knew each other. I was wise to Ps fully by the time the N approached me and I wasn’t interested in him anyway a. But I was interested to see if he was an N as there were some red flags early on.
The MN also had his full on BPD best mate come on to me too, several times. I wondered if they all knew ? Know what each other are ? Or were just chancing it because they thought they could smell blood ?
But I’d already healed my wound and any blood they smelt was fake.
Thank you Alexis. They believe that they are helping me do the right thing because I have them in my pocket. So if I tell them I need their help as there is somebody I really like and want to know more about them, they will assist me in this. If I explain that my ex is causing me problems and needs to be taught a lesson, they believe me and assist.
That’s really helpful HG. And sounds very true. You don’t get involved with the PDs though and mine bloody loves them !! So I think they would be willing participants either way.
I’m intrigued by your writing because it confirms what I already thought/figured out. Yet I’m appalled because it is this behavior that destroys people’s hopes/dreams/plans/joy for life. I cannot believe that destroying people brings enjoyment to you. It’s an honor to be considered part of someone’s dreams/plans….why just take when you could get enjoyment from giving as well ?
Intrigued and appalled…nothing more…nothing less
Hello denarcist 101, it is more about necessity. I have learned to derive enjoyment from it because it is something I must do and the fact it empowers me and makes me feel invincible is clearly enjoyable.
Being in power can be enjoyable, absolutely. But what if the games you play with people’s feelings and emotions ultimately would cause someone to kill themselves. ‘Cause pain can be overwhelming and betrayal can kick someone in a dark pit. Is power worth someone’s life?
I honestly would never want someone to take their own life, that would be a massive loss of fuel.
Dont forget that There are many stories pending… Leslie and your brother, and the one that had promised not to go and now this one…. We are all waiting 😜😜
Oh I know Nikita and there is much more besides, you shall see. Twists an turns abound.
Curious and looking forward.
I second that!
Is this the story on how you met your ex-wife?
Maybe. Maybe not.
Shaking my head.
Is that how you dry your hair?