I Argue Therefore I Am

Would you like to know what is going through my mind when we argue? Thought you would.

I do enjoy an argument. I love to start a squabble, a contretemps and escalate it to a quarrel through to an altercation, a fight ! By now I am sure you have realised that the reason I do this is twofold. First, I am provoking an emotional reaction from you which gives me fuel. Secondly, it enables me to put you in your place and control you by being abusive towards you. I keep it within the realms of stinging and barbed verbal abuse but there are those of my brethren who do like to let their fists do the talking. That is not my style but we cannot shy away from the truth of what is being done in the name of “a discussion”.

I know from experience and also from reading numerous comments and observations that you regard arguing with me akin to banging your head against a brick wall. You cannot understand the stance we adopt in an argument. Surely we must recognise that what we are saying makes no sense? Do we not realise that our position lacks logic? I will endeavour to enlighten you. I recognise two types of argument. The first is created by me. The second is created by you. What they both have in common is you are at fault.

In the first type I generate an argument out of nothing. You find this disorienting and confusing. In fact,I will often do this after we have just done something delightful together (throwing you from a height is all the more delicious – see Get Ready To Drop). I will invent some offence (why did you just look at that man across from us, when you did not) or I will seize on something utterly trivial (thanks for taking that last drop (and it was a drop) of the sauvignon blanc). I will level the accusation at you. You will at first be stunned because everything was going swimmingly. You will then be perplexed as my accusation is either untrue or so minor to be negligible. Why is he getting so het up over nothing? Indignance will then rise inside you as your inner self questions whether you are just going to sit and take this unjust accusation. I am shouting at you now and you either run away or fight back. It might go something like this.

“Oh thanks for taking the last of the wine, I wanted that. I have hardly had any.”

“Sorry? There was only a drop left.”

“But you didn’t ask me if I wanted it did you?”

“I didn’t think to, there was just a dribble.”

“You didn’t think? That’s the trouble with you. You never think.”

“Oh come on, besides you’ve had plenty of wine anyway.”

“Are you saying I have a drink problem?”

“Woah, where did that come from?”

“You. You are always doing this. You do something selfish and then turn it into an attack about me. Just because you cannot stand for someone to point out when you have done something wrong.”

“Good God, what are you talking about?”

“That’s it, try to dismiss me when I am making a valid point.”

“I only poured a drop of wine into my glass. It is not big deal. Here, if it troubles you so much, have what is left in my glass.”

“No, it’s too late. The damage is done. You are trying to make light of when I am pointing something out to you.”

“This is ridiculous.”

“Oh I am ridiculous am I, well that’s rich coming from someone who drinks a bottle, at least one, a day.”

“Where do you get that from? No I don’t.”

“Yes you do. I am concerned about your drinking, have you ever considered getting some help?”

And on it goes.

When I start an argument like this I am not interested in proving what I am saying is correct. I am already right in my mind. You should note that ‘right’ and ‘correct’ are not necessarily the same thing. The whole purpose of this type of argument is for me to upset you and turn an otherwise pleasant experience into a horrible one. This is about exerting control so that you become wary about upsetting me. Next time you will always ensure you offer to pour me a glass of wine before tending to yourself for fear of causing an argument. Of course,, the next time I will be arguing about how you took the last profiterole instead even though I had eaten five more than you already.

The second type of argument is where you level a complaint or accusation at me. Invariably what you say is correct and you have valid grounds for raising it. You will also do so in a calm and level-headed fashion because that is your style. When you do this I do not hear what you are actually saying to me. The validity of your argument is meaningless to me. The piece of paper that documents your point may as well be written in Sanskrit for all the notice I will take of it. All I hear is you criticising me and I hate that. I absolutely hate it. How dare someone like you, who is inferior to someone like me, have the audacity to suggest I have done something wrong. I do not hear your words, I do not see the video recording you are playing back, all I hear is an unjust and scathing attack on me. Your words are drowned out by the raging fire that surges through me. The noise of the flames renders me deaf to your cool logic. I will deflect, deny and launch my own attacks (usually predicated on inventions) in order to beat you back. I am not interested in the correctness of what is being argued about. I am only interested in stopping the burning sensation I feel from your criticism and to do that I have to extinguish you. This is when I lose control and lash out. I will hurl savage insults at you and I will smash items of property (in my mind I am smashing you, just another object in front of me when I do this) and some of my kind will engage in physical violence. You will try to make me see that I am wrong (any healthy person would do this) and you are utterly flabbergasted as to why I cannot see what you are saying to me. Now you know. I cannot see because of the fiery rage that has erupted.

How do you deal with me in these two types of argument? Well, I am saving that information for another time. In the meanwhile, see if you can piece together that ornament I just have hurled against the wall.

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38 thoughts on “I Argue Therefore I Am”

  1. Oh jeez how many times did I look at her and think-what the fuck is she doing now?
    She knew exactly what to do with me. All makes for such perfect sense. What the hell was I thinking off?
    I find it all highly amusing now and write this response with a smirk on my face.
    I really didn’t think much of myself to put up with such psycho bullying.

    I have no idea now who that was, in the relationship with her.
    This stuff is very good.
    It shows my dimensional progression! Incredible.

    Thanks HG.

    This blog is working so well for me. It’s great to dip in and out.

    Appreciative as always.
    Mike.

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      1. Well, as ever this is a two way street HG.
        That’s true acceptance.
        Needs must.
        So how can anyone judge?
        We can but seperate in our differntial outlook on obtaining of “peace” or “fuel”
        The philosophy of it all fascinates me.

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  2. Hg, can’t wait to read how we should handle these two types of arguments! I would always fight back and in the the end it would always be another silent treatment! One time it was through texting and he said now you pissed me off, loose my number! My reply, I always piss you off and I lost your number two hours ago! That got me not seeing or hearing from him for two months!! He would always comment that we did everything with passion, even fighting!( Now I know that was fuel for him.) This is one of his lines, are hot will never run cold!! Well it did! Cold as water running off of a glacier! Wish I would of known all of this then!! No wonder I was a target! I was oozing fuel from every direction!! Smh. Thank you sweet man. 😉

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    1. Yes. Fool me, mine was touchy that way too of the slightest perceived criticism. It was just posturing for the unblessed silent treatment, a proverbial excuse to exact it. When it was already on its way. Tsk , tsk, bad narc.

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  3. Yes, absolutely yes! I would find myself in the most ridiculous arguments, and with a big bully…. There is no reasoning and no way out… I wouldn’t fight back again, there is no use…

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  4. I can’t wait to hear how you suggest how we should deal with this. For me, if it was over the phone and you started raging, I’d just hang up. I used to do that to the somatic and it uSed to make him so angry which I loved. And he’d leave angry voice messages for me. I’d then give him the ST for a few weeks. Next time he started to get angry he would have to calm it down which I could hear in his voice that this would really pain him. I also used to tell him how I liked it when he got really angry, smiling as I said it. Sometimes this would anger him more, other times he couldn’t resist my charm. I guess it was easy for me as I felt no long term attachment to him. It was all to obvious he was a ‘bad boy’ who would never change so I accepted it for exactly what it was and ignored any future faking.

    In person, I would just happily carry on with what I was doing or just leave without saying where or when I’d be back.

    With the MN he raged a few times and sadly because of his illness, I felt like he needed a bit of control in his life at that time (although I didn’t know why, just thought his illness was making him feel like he had no control, so I thought I was being kind to him. I didn’t realise he was an N) so I took it and was a little upset by his anger.

    Now when he gets annoyed, I tell him how I love it when he gets angry 🙂 🙂 and I do. Even more so since reading your books HG, because I know how furious he really is inside and the little public outburst is nothing compared to what lies beneath.

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  5. If you pick fights, you’re going to get criticized at some point. You say any “healthy” person will try to help you see why this is wrong. Are you admitting here that you realize you’re unhealthy despite wearing your crown of superiority?

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  6. “A few more Rules may fitly be given here, for correspondence that has unfortunately become controversial.

    One is, don’t repeat yourself. When once you have said your say, fully and clearly, on a certain point, and have failed to convince your friend, drop that subject: to repeat your arguments, all over again, will simply lead to his doing the same; and so you will go on, like a Circulating Decimal. Did you ever know a Circulating Decimal come to an end?”
    ― Lewis Carroll

    Seeing it is always my fault, then it doesn’t matter how I deal with it. So, I will deal with the best way that serves me, not you.
    Cheers.

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  7. Ha! Another flashback that is so aptly described. And to think that the first few times mine acted out when things were going so well…like spending a weekend in a beautiful seaside cottage…that I thought perhaps he didn’t feel like he was deserving of having a good time and tried to sabatoge it for himself! So I tried even harder to make him feel special! Rolling my eyes now!

    I was so gullible…a walking fuel pump.

    Now I know why his reply to my scathing and emotional tongue lashing was “your words are meaningless to me. They are empty and full of anger.

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  8. Ah yes – all this is very familiar to me from an ex-partner. After about four years, I simply laughed in his face when these arguments occurred. Of course, it wasn’t long before he was left with no other recourse but violence, but that’s another story.

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  9. Yep! My narc would try to start petty arguments, most of the time I would just leave him to sulk or tease him. A couple of times it got to me though and I cried which he thoroughly enjoyed no doubt!

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  10. I noticed he wasn’t “normal” when I cried. It’s difficult to explain because sometimes it was very subtle but it felt like he couldn’t really relate to crying. Kind of like when see a dog perplexed and tilting his head trying to recognise a sound.

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    1. We know it shows you are upset, we know how to fake being concerned but when we devalue you, when you are upset we only see fuel. If you want us to comfort you when you are upset during devaluation expect to see us vanish.

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      1. Until you decide to resurrect us to check in with a Hoover and see how our mood is towards you right?

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      2. I’m reflecting on past contacts after long silences from my Narc. Have you liked “the chase” again? I believe since I would always show so much emotion, he’d keep it up even if I was showing displeasure at hearing from him again.

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      3. T had commented on another post that she experienced an ex bf resurface after 17 years, which you pointed out the longevity of someone with strong Hoover fuel can stay on your radar. What is the longest time span you have gone from a final discard / someone going NC to attempting a Hoover to reinstill contact? If several years had passed, what made you pick that particular person?

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      4. Ahhhh, so they resurfaced by creating the crack for you to reappear (i.e. finding you on social media and thinking it was safe to reach out and connect for example). You did not initiate the contact?

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    1. HG
      I wanted to say
      “serve them right for coming back!”
      Good for you!! For getting your revenge…
      What’s happening to me??
      I know what you are but I like you, who is to say I am any better?
      and I understand at times where you are coming from.

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