Your Special Smile

I just love that special smile of yours. I know that the first time I saw you displaying it that I wanted it for myself. I wanted to be the recipient of that smile and I wanted it so badly, oh so very badly that I went for you with ferocious determination. I watched as it slowly formed, your delectable lips twisting upwards and then parted to allow your teeth to be seen. Many animals bare their teeth as a warning to others to stay back, but not you. As you revealed your teeth and your smile widened into a grin I watched transfixed. I could see the effect it had on those near you. I could see how they felt happier for seeing your smile. I detected it in their faces, in their reactions and if I had been close enough I have little doubt that I would have been able to hear their pleasure and joy as you allowed them to bask in the warmth of your smile. It was inclusive. You showed it to everyone sat around that table and nobody was missed out. You did not break into laughter. That would almost have been vulgar and spoilt scintillating effect of the way you conveyed such emotion to others near you. I continued to watch from my position across the bar as the words of whoever it was I was with that night, I cannot recall now, became nothing but white noise. I only allowed myself to hear her expressions of irritation at how I was distracted by you.

I made my excuses, feigning illness and dispatched whoever it was I was with, I cannot recall now, in a taxi with an already broken promise to call whoever it was, I cannot recall now and once that person who I cannot now recall had gone I returned to the restaurant. I positioned myself next to your table, sat at the bar and allowed myself to eavesdrop on the conversation that you were engaged in as I allowed myself a closer examination of your smile. It appeared frequently and never diminished in its brilliance. It was engaging, captivating and I had to have it. With customary ease I allowed myself to join your table once the dining had been concluded on the pretext of making a point arising from something you had said. I had already established from the body language around the table that none of the attending men were accompanying you and the behaviour of the other women indicated they were no more than friends. No ring rested on your wedding finger and you responded to my polite intrusion with a brief flash of that smile. I knew the drawbridge was down and the portcullis was up.

Accordingly, I made your smile mine and how I revelled in those perfect lips as they moved into that glorious smile. I had known fuller lips but yours were certainly not what I would call thin. Your left cheek dimpled when you smiled broadly and thereafter I knew that your smile was only truly for me. Yes, you smiled for others and I was proud of you for doing so, allowing them to experience it but only at a fraction of what was reserved for me. I was the sole recipient of the full magnitude of that smile and its amazing effect. You conveyed so much to me with your smile. The times you smiled at me in supportive admiration as I held forth at dinner parties, your appreciative smile when I did something for you, the sensual smile when you knew that our sexual congress was looming, the amazed smile when I stunned you with yet another example of my brilliance, your satisfied smile when you lookedat me across the living room from where you were reading a book, safe and content in our world where your smile was mine and nobody else’s. I relished seeing your sleepy smile when I turned to you in the morning and gently kissed you on the nose. I delighted when you contacted me using your video capability on your ‘phone and you deliberately showed only your smiling mouth. Countless times I would record you doing so and play the footage back when I sat alone and relished the sensation which washed over me as I watched.

What made your smile so special was the fact that you gave it willingly to me. You told me that nobody had made you smile as much as I had. I took no issue with that for I knew it was something that I was entirely capable of. Your sweet, illuminating smile belonged to me, was engaged for me and existed just for me. I worked so hard to ensure that your mouth gave me that smile again and again and again. It sustained me and invigorated me, turning a moment of weakness into one of edifying strength in but a moment. I can truly say that nobody else has had a smile which has such an effect on me as yours. I saw what it did for other people and I knew that they were only experiencing a small percentage of what I felt because the true power and radiance of that smile was kept just for me because you understood me, you knew how I needed it and you were content and delighted to provide it to me. It was a beautiful smile, a beguiling smile, an admiring smile, a playful smile, an engaging smile, an enticing smile, an uplifting smile and so much more but above all else it was your special smile. Special for me.

Most of all though I cherished your smile because better than anyone else you knew how to hide everything behind that smile. I knew this is what you did and I knew he began teaching you to do so all that time ago. I made sure  that you continued to use your smile in this way. I completed your learning. Now it cloaked everything that the world did not need to know about. I made your smile extra-special didn’t I?

51 thoughts on “Your Special Smile

  1. Cara Ivens says:

    ts much more complicated. The past month she has flip flopped in her treatment of me and her behavior/mood and words are more chaotic and extreme than ever before. i suppose it was about 5 weeks ago when she contacted me to inform me that her and Lauren were no longer an item. She screen shot some really over emotional texts between the two explaining their “love” for each other,but that both were relieved because they really wanted to work things out and be with us not each other (her, me – Lauren her Husband).I guess she was expecting me to react with relief/excitement and open arms, taking her back since she came to her senses.
    However, i was disgusted that she was even comparing and degrading our 6 years of love to a fling with someone she barely knows. (not that i was surprised, she tells every girl she loves them in a matter of two weeks). I always tell her I truly feel sorry for her that she doesn’t know what love is. It has always disturbed me having to question if she loved me, or if she loved me the most? What does her love mean? how can she love all these girls? Must be nice to fall in love so easily. She knows what other people are like out there, how she has been treated. She knows my love for her *was* unconditional. I am sure she was pissed off i couldn’t see what was so special about her loving me or choosing me. I am afraid her love is too loose, and i have standards. Do i really want to lower them anymore for her when she is incapable? and chances are Lauren reached this conclusion first…and my ex only agreed because she would have lost everything at that point…
    After this, i was finally ready to let go of the box of her documents i told her i would send her when she left in a rush (under the stipulation everything else left behind including the dogs were mine, since she told me to put them in the SPCA). It was the last order of business, we would have no further reason for contact.
    I gave her the tracking number. she said thank you. Day the box came she contacted me asking for the # again, i tracked it for her said it was on its way. she texts me that night asking if i forgot her passport, i said no believe me its all there. she accused me of not putting it in there to spite her because i didn’t want her to travel. I was like, ok its there goodnight. Ah, she found it What a surprise.. she said she missed me and tank and wanted to visit or for me to go up there and i said no. She flipped a switch and threatened to sue me for the dog that i was keeping him to put it over her head, when i said go ahead i have a written document with your signature and multiple witnesses so instead she threatened my family. Only thing i really never thought she would do. I told her calm down i’d bring the dog. when i got my new car. All the sudden she started getting distant, no emotion in her texts and mean if i questioned why she was treating me in the way she was. She started blocking me saying she was disconnecting from everyone but i’ll see her soon. she blocked me so i couldn’t text her, but unblocked me so she could text me then id have to email her. the blocking became more frequent. I had enough, it was giving me anxiety sitting and waiting knowing she had all the power, tried calling her without caller ID she refused to answer. I told her i was done and that i found it strange she still had her Facebook considering its one of the biggest connections out there, but she has me blocked all day. next night she calls me and tells I’m terrible that she was in the hospital on suicide watch and that i am a burden to her recovery that .she is only in contact with 3 people and they’re all blood. That i am crazy for being fixated on social media.
    she sends me a picture of the ICU sheet, it was dark and i was busy. the next morning i felt the urge to look again. i lightened the image and guess who was listed as the emergency contact? that explains why she was blocking me. Must be attempting to lure Lauren back in or Lauren went to her…, making sure to block me around her but keep me on the back burner. So i sent her a text and said wow, you fucking narc piece of work. I told her i would pray for her because she has the devil in her. I couldn’t believe she had the balls to fuck with me even more. what a heartless cunt really. I am not sure if she felt she could send it and that ii would overlook it and it would give her some sick satisfaction, or if she just didn’t know it was on there or that i would be able to make out the name/number givenit was dark. Her response to me pointing this out was was “wow. you’re crazy” and i said lol bye. What can she say? her response was exactly what i figured it would be. Changed my number and work number. She probably blocked me as well but i am not sure. Couldn;t believe she had me going an entire week thinking she was spending time with her family “disconnecting” – yeah right …narcs never disconnect. Should i expect worse to come?

    1. malignnarc says:

      You are very much in the maelstrom still. Steel yourself and look to your own defences.

  2. Cara Ivens says:

    I have bought several books since my discard after 6 year. My Narc is a female – vulnerable type i believe. Of course i knew there was something off with her but I loved her. Approximately every 6-9 months id have to deal with her emotional cheating. My trust and paranoia near the end was consuming and she was begging me for it so i gave it to her. The day before thanksgiving after texting my family about dinner and who was going to make what she decided she was no longer in love with me. It was a big surprise, she had been stable for awhile it seemed. Our broken engagement was a joke, she slandered me then expected me to want to live with her in the same apartment. Once i found out she did find another source (jesus, she can’t even have customers?).I told her to get out. She did – leaving me everything and i made sure she signed it all over. So i had to deal with unpaid bills, breaking the lease (so she could not come back as she pleased), our dogs. However, i got everything because she was so set on just getting out she didn’t give a fuck. I won’t go into the details of the cruelty, but she disappeared for about a month before contacting me to tell me how perfect the new source is.

    Today when I read about Lauren i started smiling. It was the same exact conversation my ex attempted to have with me about her. My ex left because i was too successful and it hurt her ego, She lined up someone older, less attractive and less successful i am assuming to feel better about herself in comparison. I am sure she believes Lauren is all of the things she’s saying but does my ex really think the rest of the world sees that? does she think i am going to believe it, just because she is saying it? I almost wanted to contact her to show her how unoriginal she is. I find is fascinating how NPDs all have such similar behavior. Lucky for me my ex doesn’t appreciate books or learning. She may have studied me for years, but i have learned her in a few months. .Even though i know this is reality now, it still feels like a bad dream. Half the time i feel like i am playing with a 5 year old who is being serious. Don;t get me wrong, she is capable of terrible things that i continue to be surprised by…but the more I interact with her, the more illogical she gets less attractive she becomes, the more amusing her response. Even when something hurts, i have found myself laughing.

    I still love who i thought she was, what a great pretender. I still have anxiety and miss her. However at least i am able to recognize its just from the abuse, not because i actually love her. How oould I? regardless, i have a newfound appreciation for how simple and dumb she really is. She has time to play games, losing her job and getting sympathy from everyone. I am ok with that, because i am submitting my application for graduate school. She has given me the push I needed to get my masters. I find she’s always contributed towards my success….i tried to support hers but she simply does not have the drive.

    Right now i am NC with her because i guess her source returned. It would only make sense why she threatened me, was sweet for about a week then turned and started blocking me during the day and texting me at night which i had enough of. I Believe her and Lauren are planning a getaway weekend. Hopefully it is enough to keep them from fighting for awhile after they return so i can be at peace and prepare for anything else she has inshore for me.

    While i find it sad, amusing, fascinating …
    I will always wonder how she can tell me and listen to herself say some good intention, mean while not giving a shit that she is going to hurt me. to be so cruel to someone who was there for you, you there for them for 6 years. . I know she blamed me for her being unhappy with her with me, but she also decided to hate me for her current unhappiness which i find hilarious other than having to deal with her shitty behavior. The hate, It doesn’t bother me. My nephew hated me today because there was no hot chocolate. It did not make me go run to the store. and to be honest, i hate her too, more than she could know. I just can’t hurt a child.

    1. malignnarc says:

      Hello Cara and thank you for your post. The illogical behaviour which she indulges in is illogical to you when viewed from your standpoint. She will see it in an entirely different way and it is completely logical to her. This is something that “normal” people find incredibly hard to grasp. As you write, you find it hilarious that she blames you for her current unhappiness and from your worldview point that makes sense. From her standpoint she will blame you because you failed to provide her with the fuel she wanted and therefore it was your fault she had to leave you and find somebody else. She will also use this blame and hatred in the expectation of drawing a negative emotional response from you and gain more fuel as she seeks to triangulate you with her new partner. I am interested in your comment that you are “NC with her because I guess her source returned.” That sounds more like she is giving you a silent treatment rather than you have chosen to go NC with her? Is that correct?

  3. Sheila says:

    Home from work and having a ‘What the hell was that?’ moment. My ex’s shift (who works with me.. yeah, cardinal rule # 1, don’t date work colleagues) overlapped the last 4 hours of my 12 hr day. We have 1 break in common, so I thought I’d play it safe and stick with the rest of my colleagues and went outside for some fresh air with them. Of course T, my ex followed us all out and started chatting with the group.

    I was talking with a young girl that’s doing the job I usually do and had been working alone yesterday, which I do often myself, but there are usually 2 people that do that part of the job. She was shaking her head and asking me how I do it on my own, not just handle the job, but consistently beat the numbers posted singly that are barely reachable by 2 people. She said “You’re just amazing! You don’t even complain that you have to do the work alone, you never get behind, you barely take a full break, you never tire out, and you bounce between your machine and the one next to you helping them keep up!”

    I saw T’s ears perk up and he jumped into the conversation “That’s because she’s a Rockstar!” I did a double take… “I’m a rockstar?” The young girl jumps in “That’s what I told T you were lastnight, you’re a god damn Rockstar!” I’m shaking my head… oh boy… I’ve just found out she’s been converted to one of T’s junior lieutenants. I’m going to have to be careful what I say around her from now on.

    “I wish I could bottle me some Sheila” T says. He looked at me and said, “I bet you didn’t get any more then 4 hours sleep either, working a 12 hour day and never lost your smile once. (He’s right, I don’t sleep much more then 3 or 4 hours at a time) You’re just nice all the time… yep, if I could bottle you, I’d be splashing you on me all the time… I just can’t do ‘nice’ very well”.

    The young girl that was speaking is nodding her head up and down. “Yes, she’s nice to everyone! I’ve never seen her lose her temper or even give anyone a mean glare… I’ve seen her ‘stern’ look though”. She chuckles. I nodded, yep, I’ve got ‘stern’ covered.. it comes with the ‘mom’ territory. T has a big grin on his face… “I’ve seen her more then just ‘stern’… I’ve seen her angry.. and that’s not something you want to be on the other end of, believe me!”

    I laughed at him and was about to tell him he’d deserved it when another colleague jumped into the conversation. A ‘spark plug’ of a woman who operates another machine. She says “Let me guess… it was when she was fostering the puppies and you were supposed to be looking after them?” T nods, still grinning. She continues on “You’re lucky all she did was yell at you, if my hubby had of done what you did, I’d have killed him! You can’t ignore young puppies, they’re as fragile as babies, they need lots of attention, to be fed every two hours! You’re definitely lucky Sheila didn’t do more then yell at you!”

    I’m nearly laughing out load, covering my mouth to keep the laughter from spilling out. I pull myself together.. somewhat… and look at T…. “I did warn you I had a temper… redhead, remember?” (Yeah.. still grinning ear to ear and holding onto the laughter) “Oh I know” T says “but you’re still nice no matter what… I really need to bottle that. It’s worth a fortune!” He wanders off back to work at this point.

    The young girl looks at me and says quietly “I never understood why you two ended it… the two of you together are priceless… umm.. I know he’s got baggage and all, but you two were so good together… is there any chance?….”
    “Nope… too much baggage for me… time to get back to work!”

    I’m sure she’ll fill him in on what my response was tonight, now that I’m at home. I somehow get the impression that was staged.. just a little?

    Oh well.. 2 days off now, time to kick back and relax!

    1. malignnarc says:

      Hi Sheila, an interesting exchange and you have spotted the Lieutenant straight away, so as you identify you need to be wary about what you say and do in front of this Lieutenant as it will all be fed back to your ex. He of course is maintaining his façade with such a display and he is trying to manipulate you by proxy with the comments from the younger lady at the end about whether you might get together again. That was him talking through her. He will have got some fuel by the reaction of the other colleague who commented about the puppies but there is not a lot you can do about that and he will have gathered some from seeing you smiling (he will think you were smiling at his compliment rather than the fact you were amused by the comment from puppy lady but you handled that well.

    2. janaa38 says:

      Wow, Sheila there are no limits to their manipulations or boundaries to their behaviour. He makes all environments toxic, fool be that young girl to swallow his poison.
      You are a strong adversary to his wicked ways. Insert a vast variety of expletives here for my thoughts on him 😏

  4. It is here in this silence
    Cast into the light between the shadows that stretch of the then and now
    Warm and wet with wonder flows within
    Here in this silence
    This sanctioned womb
    Dynamic strands collected through the dust of fractal history
    Binding forms that tempt surrender to the ineluctable mystery
    Open enter and expand
    Touch here, yes, where the leader and the lure form of the
    Deity, the flux and sustenance

    In between awareness
    Pushing through our meetings with insatiable appetites
    We crave to create new reflections, of all that we dare not be

    Navigate this tide dear child
    As you will push to find reason and drown again
    For underneath where it is wound there is no wound that is of
    permanent matter
    You will not break in there
    Tempted is the pressure of birth as the thread is pulled that
    spins you out
    Grieve child
    Push the petals to their bloom
    For it is only here that you will come to lose your mind to that
    which you are not

    – Copywrited material

    1. janaa38 says:

      Beautiful xx

      1. saritwin711 says:

        Your words in your last response to me , are key! ” Good with words, limited in actions.” So true! I have the most beautiful text messages and emails from my narc! He is an old fashioned gentleman to everyone who knows him ( minus his intimate partners) His actions are another story… They just don’t meet up… I run to help my loved ones, I don’t care what the reasons are, I’m just there for them… That’s the behavior though, that gets us into trouble with these men… We bend over backwards and want to heal them, help them, love them back to sanity…. Don’t feel guilty for meeting up with him, we all do it… I kept trying myself.. I tried to stop the madness and I tried to alter the horrific reality, it just wouldn’t sink in! It is hard for people like us to imagine the unimaginable…. I too care very deeply, but I had to choose myself first, otherwise, I could not get out of the spin cycle…the crazy house…😊 I still wonder if I will ever love again like that… It may have been a lie, but on my side, it was pure heart…. Hope you’re ok, I am here for you at anytime, and the blog, although difficult to read, is a fabulous healing tool…. Xoxo let’s hope that it works for HG as well! #Empathhopeisaliveandwell ❤️

        1. janaa38 says:

          Thank you Sari ❤️
          Yes, it is very true, you do not belittle or abandon a loved one, even if you haven’t the capability to cope or show appropriate emotions in such situations. At the every least admit so and allow us to have some sense of appreciation. Their inability to offer comfort, is a huge thing for me. As that is who I am, a caretaker. I nevr expect my needs to met, if they are then I am very thankful. I do expect myself to meet the needs of others, at , home, work and in various circles. But that is who and how I am. The ideal is to have alarmed that values us enough to show us, in sickness and health, in joy and sorrow. This is ss to individuals such as us, who readily give of ourselves to others in need.
          I have nevr expected a man to take care of me, with the exception of my father, whom I now care for ..but I do desire to be shown compassion and understanding at times that require it.
          Thank your sari, for saying you are here for me, I do feel that in you deeply…I am here for you as well. I think as long as we all are open and real in how we feel, then we should nevr be faulted, for being human and in err. Of course, narcs will fault us, that there jobs, isn’t it 😀

  5. saritwin711 says:

    I know that the advice that HG gives is true and important to listen to.. It is difficult to read and process , but there will be no healing until we understand the truth… I watched a man degrade and demoralize me, all the while he spoke of the massive love he felt for me… “You’re the love of my life.” “I have never loved like this.” You must believe that a man in love like that,will be by your side, and not inflict pain of this magnitude! My narc would not relieve me of pain, instead he spoke words of love and watched me wither away in agony… He wouldn’t/ couldn’t take away the pain, he was enjoying and feeding on it… We must help ourselves and understand the truth! If a man loves, he will be by your side.. It’s very black and white for me… I would never sit back and watch a loved one in just wouldn’t happen, no matter the offense … Recognize the difference… We have to stop the fantasy that these men will change and come rescue us like our knight in shining armor… i include myself in this message… I still want to believe that he could change and be the man when I first met him… It’s not possible!

    1. janaa38 says:

      I am glad you were able to escape him, it takes time when you genuinely love and believe that love and want to understand and accept another. It isn’t as easy as it seems or sounds. I can let go and hold no malice. I will do it on my own way though, not his. That is my right and my choice, as it is every mans and woman’s. He will not chose the timing of my Decison, I will be the one to do that. And I will when the time is right for me. It is only two months …I did maintain no conatct , he contacted me and I needed to talk to him…if he leaves then I do not follow him. One thing a narc wants to remove for Us is our own mind and right to do as we will…I maintain that right for myself. His Hoover is nothing to me, if I get my closure. He will not dictate my course of action for me. No matter what he thinks he can do.
      Well said Sari, relationships are so personal….even with narcs, they vary despite the similarities. I am holding my head from spinning.

      1. saritwin711 says:

        Hi Janaa… I don’t know that I’ve completely escaped him… He is still texting and emailing whenever he wants… I allow this for my daughters sake… She works with this man and has a very lucrative position with him… Her mentor.. 😉 I agree, this has to be on our time and our way, and we all heal differently… I still cry over this man and what I thought he was.. I cry for the way that I was treated and even worse, what I allowed… Grief has to be dealt with in our own very way… I think we are ok, as long as we fight the fantasy that these men will ” save” us…as long as we let go of what we “thought” they were… As long as we remember that love does not demolish and degrade or humiliate… If we honor ourselves first and all that we have to offer….We will be okay… Stay strong and beautiful…💕💕

        1. janaa38 says:

          Thank you Sari, I have been a touch emotional since he returned a few days ago. So I apologize if my messages seemed offish. I feel guilty I part for engaging with him, but I needed to. I do realize what we had is no more, he is not my Sweet province any longer. But I still care for him dearly and wish him love and peace. He knows this, even if it matters not to him. I know he knows.
          Yes, your situation is difficult for your daughter and he is using that sadly to his advantage , as they do.
          Yes, I fully agree love do snot cause harm or hurt of tears or damage to another in its name xxx….he was good with words, limited in action.
          We will survive….I know this is true…..I know there is no relationship, and it is best for me to stay clear of such, until I heal and can differentiate genuine love from false love.
          Much love, Sari xx

  6. janaa38 says:

    Nikita, missing you, hope school and all things are well with you xx

  7. T says:

    My ex N loved my laugh. In person or over the phone…for some hear my laugh made him feel like a good boyfriend….

    1. malignnarc says:

      Admiration. All fuel T.

    2. saritwin711 says:

      Or so he said… Mine loved my smile, my lips, my body, my mind…
      He loved my tears, my agony, my groveling,my terror, even more….

      1. malignnarc says:

        Indeed Sari, plenty of negative fuel flowing there.

  8. anna4569 says:

    Can you step in and out of Narcissism?

    1. malignnarc says:

      Hello Anna, in reality no, but I can give the appearance of doing so to suit my agenda.

      1. anna4569 says:

        Thank you malignnarc for the fast response!
        I am learning about this personality trait (of sorts), Do you wish to control only one person at a time or most all of the people you come in contact with during the day?
        This is all very hard to understand.

        1. malignnarc says:

          Most control is exerted over one person, the primary source of fuel. We will influence everyone we come into contact with should we gauge that they will provide us with fuel. I suggest you read my book Fuel as this will answer many of your questions in this regard.

  9. bethany7337 says:

    This made me smile HG…just for you😊

    1. malignnarc says:

      I can feel your radiance Bethany.

  10. Sheila says:

    My smile was perfected long before I reached the hands of my N. I learned at a very early age to hide behind it.

    Looking forward to some time off to be a little more active on your blog, HG.

    Ladies, hope everyone is well!

    1. malignnarc says:

      I shall look forward to your further contributions Sheila.

    2. janaa38 says:

      Hi Sheila….have a wonderful day ❤️

  11. janaa38 says:

    “And metaphors like cats behind your smile,
    Each one wound up to purr,
    each one a pride,
    Each one a fine gold beast you’ve hid inside…”

    This is a lovely, sweet. Affectionate post, are you having an off day😏
    This sounded to me, of a man who loves and appreciates the small things that can bring great joy. Like the smile, of an admirer, a loved one, a dear heart.
    Smiles hide the multitude of sins and shames, the eyes cannot.

    With this, you make me smile 😀

    1. malignnarc says:

      As ever it is only about the fuel.

      1. janaa38 says:

        My fuel, is truth and respect and love.

        1. malignnarc says:

          Maybe but he won’t be interested in any of that.

          1. janaa38 says:

            But, I am. I matter too.

          2. malignnarc says:

            Not to him.

          3. janaa38 says:

            Stop it

          4. janaa38 says:

            You can’t say I don’t matter to him, if you are not him. You can only say, I don’t matter to you.

          5. malignnarc says:

            I can write that you don’t matter to him because if he is one of us, you wont matter to him. The only way in which you will matter is the provision of fuel. I am just explaining to you that is how it is. It is evident he has you thinking otherwise and that is part of the manipulation that takes place. By causing you to think that you actually matter to him he is keeping his grip on you and as MLA points out providing himself with a reason and a pass to come and go from your life as he pleases.

          6. janaa38 says:

            Then what happens to his other fuel for last months that he required mine again?….he can only do so with my permission though. If do not allow him entry, then he shall remain on the outside of me. Thank you HG for the tough “love”” so to speak. I know you think I don’t get it, but I do.

          7. malignnarc says:

            He will have other fuel but he wanted to enjoy some delicious Hoover fuel from you.

          8. janaa38 says:

            I will poison it for him next time 😏 plus it wasn’t that delicious now was it, I interrogated him, for my purposes , he got very little of what he sought.

          9. janaa38 says:

            Okay, you win, I am nothing, I am worthless and of no value to him.I never was anything to him, but fuel and now I am not even worth that.

          10. malignnarc says:

            It is not about me winning in respect of you. It is pointing out the reality to you. I have no need to win with you. I do not know you.

          11. janaa38 says:

            Very factual on all points. I am aware of my reality.

    2. Christine says:

      Painful to read . I can’t remember my last true smile – gorgeous my ex n used to say .the reality is – I was just fuel nothing more nothing less – now discarded , I’m not even a memory ? HG chilling , hurtful , truthful words – oh did I pay for the golden period. , still paying 😒
      Janaa and sari great blogs .
      I recognise the lietenants and crows now – I’m keeping clear .
      This post has hit home hard😪😪

      1. Miss_stress says:

        I forgot about this article Christine…yes , some hit home even Moreso then others. The truth can hurt and heal at same time. I am pleased you are on the road to healing. Yes, mind the beasts and bird of prey.
        Thank you for what you said, Christine.

  12. survivednarc says:

    I love the picture – it is really funny! And it made me smile… 🙂
    A question: Do you sometimes feel you want to kill that smile? That you want to wipe it off so that it never comes back again? Or, is that what just happens after a while? I remember in the end with the ex, that I did not smile a lot anymore, if I did, it was only a sad little smile, full of pain.. A great read, HG.

    1. malignnarc says:

      Thank you survived, I never want to kill that smile, just erode it and see if the smiler is able to muster it later on.

    2. janaa38 says:

      Hi miss S, so nice to see you back here ❤️ they May kill it while in our presence. But, one they are gone, it will return. I never lost my smile with my last N, he gave me much to smile about when he was present. When he was gone, my smile then seemed faded. But, it has never left.

      1. survivednarc says:

        Hey 🙂 Yes, I am glad that you are feeling that way! 🙂
        I am afraid that HG was spot on today. The way he talks about adding something interesting to the smile… and so on. I often feel these days, that there is so much pain behind my smile, that I do not know what to do with. Oh well, I will write my own blog post about that, I guess. I was just amazed by this blog post, cause it really stayed with me and resonated with me… Hugs to you janaa! And to you HG. 😉

        1. janaa38 says:

          Thank you my dear…it seems narcs only like to make us feel we are worthless, well some do. Other don’t try, it just is.
          Yes, write away😊

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