Sitting Target : How and Why the Narcissist Chooses You

Available now

The key to understanding why you were picked so you can ensure it never happens again.

US e-book here

UK e-book here

CAN e-book here

AUS e-book here





71 thoughts on “Sitting Target : How and Why the Narcissist Chooses You

  1. Jen says:

    HG, thank you for sharing. I’ve learned so much from you in the past 4 years. I share your page with everyone! I was a gullible, naive and vulnerable girl that believed in my life partner blindly. I wish I would have been exposed to the ways of the N a decade ago. Not only to arm myself properly for combat, but to spare my children the pain his slaughtering of my family has brought them. I’m 4 years gray rock, minimal contact (except for parallel parenting) after a 22 yr relationship, married 15. High school sweethearts. Never perfect, but I was devoted and honest. Blindsided by the betrayal and discard. But grateful. I never knew how imprisoned I was until I was set free! No one will ever own me again. Main concern now: my girls. I have 2 pre-teens that have suffered a lot. He sees them every other weekend, and they never feel prioritized, good enough, or free to be themselves. (Everything is controlled) I have taught them about toxic tactics of manipulators, but challenged that I don’t want them to become manipulators themselves to guard themselves and navigate their defense from narcs. I explain to them to look out for gaslighting, shaming, lying, belittling, projection, blame shifting etc etc, but how do I teach them to gracefully yet courageously stand their ground against the person that we know is going to be outraged that they want to be their own person?! This is my ministry, educating and empowering my girls so that they are never preyed upon as I was, and arming them properly for self protection amongst the current and future wolves. Feedback much appreciated. THANK YOU

    1. Clara says:

      Wow this is literally my story! We were married for 20 yrs and when he died I didn’t even know who I was or what to do with myself..sad thing is my oldest (he died when she was 19) married someone exactly like her dad but they see my and my fiances relationship that is very healthy and she keeps talking about leaving…she doesn’t know how free she will be once she does. It’s a domino effect…I showed them that it was ok to be treated like garbage and that’s exactly what she settled for, but I can’t make her leave, she has to be sick of it to where she just can’t take anymore before she’ll leave..but my grandbabies are watching and learning from that and I am so incredibly sad that I stayed and taught them to be disrespected and mistreated like that. 😢

  2. Tanya says:

    Thank you HG for writing these books. Was with my narc for 6 months, the red flags were everywhere but I chose to ignore them as I was trying to get back to the golden period. After the breakup, I still wanted that and ended up getting back together with him. This time the devaluation started much quicker. It was as if he was punishing me for leaving him the first time. After 4 months of this I realized I could not be myself around him and when I caught him in a lie, I took some time for myself and it was during that time that I read several of your books. I called him a week later and told him I was coming to get my things. While I was there, he did all the classics, blame shifting, gas lighting etc. so I decided to tell him exactly what I thought of him. Told him he was an empty shell of a human being, devoid of empathy and emotion and that I felt sorry for him because he would never be able to feel true love because of the way he is. He replied with the typical, “You’ll never find another person like me.” I told him I hope to god not, because I don’t want you or anyone like you! The look on his face was priceless, and a complete victory for me. Have been NC ever since and given the knowledge that you have provided, am resolute in never going back as I now realize that none of it was real and I no longer feel drawn to be with him. Thank you so much for all your insight!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are most welcome Tanya, thank you for reading.

  3. Shari says:

    I’m so glad I found this – it’s been so helpful to know I’m not alone / that I truly wasn’t going crazy! The hardest part for me is I allowed this for so long and covered for him on many occasions- he knew I’d do anything for him and I fell for it all – hook – line and sinker!! I feel like the fool – each day gets easier but when the mind brings up the fun times and the memories the tears come and then I have to remember all he did to me and stole from me emotionally and literally!! He brought me back in when he has a gf and I now see how his cycle goes!! I’m tired of being tired / it’s very exhausting the extent he goes to – to fuel his ego!! I just don’t get it – and after reading these comments his behavior and what I dealt with are all written here!!

  4. Jessica says:

    I feel like I have been battling this forever. When does it stop…. Never… Once the hook is in it embeds itself. I don’t feel like I can ever be healthy or trusting again thanks to this manical bastard. I feel like I am in a coma and dismissive of my feelings. Use to Love and live so easily and trust so readily… Thanks assholes… How pathetic are you to go after loving women because of your personality defect.. Sicking really. Venting because I am angry and can’t move forward with my plans to escape….

    1. HG Tudor says:

      What is halting your plans?

  5. You are most welcome HG.

  6. The convalescent codependent says:

    This book had insightful moments for me, however I struggled with the repetitiveness. What I did find enlightening was classifying my narc experience/s as I am fully aware I have been exposed to not only intimate partners, but friends, and family narcs as well. That said, I think it was interesting as well to classify myself as well as the target. Since I have already come to the terms that I am a Damaged Codependent, People Pleaser, before reading this book it wasn’t surprising why I had been such a prize and lasted the longest with my ex, his longest relationship lasting only 5 years to our 14.

    I struggle with putting my ex in a proper category. Can they morph through time? He was a small time High School football hero and was quite attractive, in shape and popular and would fit the Somatic, highly sexual. However by the time he met me he was nearing 30 (I was only 21) and I did not fit the Somatic choice, I had a newborn, still very much in shape as I have always been petite, but, hate shopping, not a club girl at least not mainstream, I would at the time fit a more cerebral narc I think, I was very philosophical, musical, a poet, young and thirsty to learn, in fact we met in a class for business training. Over the years he gained a lot of weight even so he held onto the mentality that he was handsome and the inner high school jock never left, but as I read this book I realized he has become more the Victim Narc, unable to hold a job anymore, and relying on even older woman to take care of him, its very strange to see him with woman older and not even very pretty when he had his trophy wife at one time, but I think he realized those days are over and so he shifted his type and found his new type, I wouldn’t doubt he could shift again.

    What I learned the most though was as the title suggests, I was and probably will always be a sitting Target. The Traits I had and still have are very desirable to the Narc, however I do see myself as a bit of the more challenging in some ways. The only comfort I have is I am aware now, there was a time where not only was I not aware of myself but I was not aware of my predators, now I am aware of both. Eyes are open.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is entirely conceivable that will be shifts in the constituent parts so that some features may be less pronounced over time and others will come to the fore.

      1. Your amazon review from me:

        I found Sitting Target helpful and insightful as to how the Narcissist views his or her victim in terms in what persona he operates under. I appreciated gaining knowledge as to what makes a person more desirable to a Narcissist over another. This book could aid extremely caring, empathetic, sensitive individuals to protect them self from manipulators, abusers, narcissists, sociopaths and the like.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you CC, I appreciate that.

  7. Joanne says:

    Hi HG Tudor.
    Love reading your comments.
    I have always wondered why my ex N would often say I had put him off of women for life. When I’m pretty sure he was on dating sites. And says to our daughter now after nearly 5 yrs apart that I was he soul mate in between running me down 😂. Could you give me any advise on these Narc thoughts & comments please 😊

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Joanne, thank you for the compliment and good to see you here.
      His comment was purely said to provoke an emotional response from you at the time so you gave him fuel and thereafter when he has exhibited contradictory behaviour to cause you to react to it again in the hope of providing more fuel.

  8. Iseethroughyou says:

    I have learnt that there is no escape from an N, especially one you work with…I have the unfortunate situation of working with one who has affected my life for 4 years. I have done the journey you speak, each phase has been lived and I regret the day I allowed him in. UPon reflection you are very typical in behaviour, I just wish I saw it at the time as the roller coaster has been the most horrific ride of my life and there was a point I seriously derailed/confused/lost/broken I still struggle to understand but these posts have helped. I have tried the no contact, BUT impossible at work as you have to communicate. Hell hole/worst nightmare. Even with my ridicsitch I have been promoted, which he detests and boy has he made it known and states he will always speak to me in an appalling manner, why? Because he will and I am to accept it! He is cunning and sly and I see how he manipulates others, he has done the triangulation which I have watched and was excruciatingly painful. There is nothing I can say as his thunder is louder and it rains hard and his words are spit like gun bullets. I now need him to leave, but he is very well liked as you would imagine, everyone’s best friend but a monster to those who have seen the creature beneath the mask. I have bought escape, which other book do I need? You say an empath never wins but I am game for trying.. Any hints??

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Defender and Work and the Narcissist will be right up your street. Both are works in progress at present. For now I would suggest you appraise yourself of and understand why he acts as he does alongwith recognising those things that are likely to be committed so you can prepare to counter them. I would recommend you read Devil’s Toolkit, Manipulated and Fuel.

      1. Iseethroughyou says:

        Thank you HG Tudor
        As you will imagine, there are good and bad days. My recollection of the golden period is barely memorable..however I now have to watch him inflict his charm offensive on my closest colleague! (Turncoat soldier) it was my worst fear and at first I think it was to trianglate but now believe he is fully addicted and absorbed by her. Whilst I have no proof I have to witness her behaviour, her flirting, the way she now dresses and believe she is being fed ( single mum btw, not dated in a long while lives on her own how appropriate!!!!)and it’s like watching myself. Of course I want to save her, but she has denied previously that he is communicating with her, which again I know to be false! I read escape and it was awesome. Tonight’s to be fuel and I will take your recommendations until I beat this sucker!!!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Good for you Iseethroughyou, yes you are watching her seduction just as yours once was. You can expect to be triangulated too though. Tempting as it is to try and “save” the new target there is no point. It is not your battle. You have your own to fight.

          1. Iseethroughyou says:

            Thanks again HG Tudor,
            I have described a N like a Greek Siren, how Greek mythology describes the sailors being drawn to their death by the sweet song of what they believe to be a vision of a beautiful temptresses when in reality they are ugly distorted creatures. They keep heading towards the rocks And rough waters knowing the likelihood of their demise yet helpless and driven by HOPE of what awaits.
            LIke ET and Elliot when they become conjoined in mind (and equally as dramatic when they are separated) like being attached to a tow bar on a car driving up the motorway at 80 mph. It hurts like hell but being too afraid to let go of the rope fearing the consequences of being hit by another car worse than the pain and hurt of being dragged on Tarmac at such speed (As if! ) like a balloon being pierced and the air seeping until deflated and empty-trodden on the floor to be thrown away with the rubbish with no future purpose. My situation right now: taken from your toolkit – he has applied the chisel, hammer, blow torch and yesterday the fuse wire was applied. He has been criticised and come to me for pity, he has been the victim and needs re assurance, positive fuel, confirmation of his greatness which of course I refuse to offer him . He was full of apologies, for once, I am right, he should not have spoken to me the way he has- however I know this to be only for self preservation, he has allowed his temper to be seen by work colleagues. In his own words he has become bitter ( no shit Sherlock!) and he is at risk of being seen for who he is ( oh dear, this time my heart ain’t breaking) I have gone through the sobbing until it hurts, begging him to set me free and now I’m ready to fight! You suggested I educate myself, to be ready!!! those rose tinted glassss have been removed and I see through him like a window! I don’t want to wait until he throws the dice for the game to start, I don’t want to prepare for what is next..his lead I follow!! I want to mitigate it. I want that torch of illumination and have the batteries, I want wings of steel like batfink..impenetrable armour like a king, to have his sword stolen before he can pull it from its holder, shield ready before he strikes. I want rid of this untrusty tradesman, I want him replaced before he has time to carry out his shoddy work, I want to ensure there are no defects or damage following his visit, give me the ear plugs so I am deaf to his voice. Let me beat him at his own game, I am an empath but I have not travelled this path to have it arrive at a closed door. Let me expose him. I want you to help me. Just think of the admiration of your followers knowing we have succeeded. N v N! Give me instruction on how to rid him from my world and annoy him- let me be the one he remembers for swiping his legs from beneath him. Let me prohibit his behaviour, let him Rot in his anger and fury. I can do this, just show me the way……

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Hello I SeeThroughYou. Goodness me, I thought I was reading some of my early jottings at first! I can feel the resolve and determination flowing from what you have written. Almost Churchillian in delivery. I am content to provide you with assistance. I can indeed show you the way. The first point to raise with you is to ask whether you have read Revenge?

          3. Iseethroughyou says:

            OK HGT! Revenge is now read! This is a roll your sleeve up and get down and dirty if ever saw it! What you are informing me is that I actually have to take the persona of a N to obtain revenge. To become a talisman of trickery whilst masquerading as a prince, to purposely inflict pain and suffering onto another individual??! To suppress my natural instinct to be kind and generous even to those who have wronged me? Become bitter and twisted, become a chameleon of evil? Exhale poisonous air and let it pollute the minds of many? Interfere to the point it could have consequential effect on innocent people when the dominoes start to take speed like a freight train?? …EEEK, this is going to be tough but you knew that right? In other words…I need to dive deep into that dark icy ocean to retrieve the soul he so generously tied to the anchor, exchange my soul for his – burying it beneath the seabed, making sure he can’t ever re surface and then swim to safety whilst being shackled by my integrity and moral standing?? Drown myself before I can save myself? Damn!! and damn again!! I pride myself that even after everything he has done, I have not lost sight of who I am (well admittedly, I had to play the longest game of hide and seek to find what he had hidden) but now- two fingers in his face along with a sarky smug smirk with the motion!! Luckily I have friends around me like stone henge who will help me do this, they have watched and listened for too long about this dementor, this parasite, thief of thoughts, harvester of hearts, this magpie who saw my life all sparkly, full of love, happiness and decided to steal this jewel from another mans nest. It is time to evacuate this freeloading lodger who resides in my luxury hotel for good and expose him to the elements, boot him out on his rear, put him in the trash to live amongst the rats… (He has been blessed with the joy of being in my life, morning noon and night, metaphorically eaten at our dinner table, joined us on many family holidays – all for free) it’s time this greedy man knew the meaning of cold, wet and hungry- STARVING EVEN!! Thought you’d be pleased to know that I have unknowingly been rocking his pillars, I have succeeded in much you speak about, undermining him, succeeding? (Ooooh the irony eh?) all the things he initially admired about me are the traits he hates!
            The N now in the blue corner is a greater cerebral N with a sprinkle of elite with regards to physical appearance. ( intimacy withheld but supreme lyricists, amazing at firing his bow and arrow and magnificently tending to the wounds ) Me, in the red corner, the underdog (Yorkshire terrier with the mindset of a Great Dane – NO – before you think it- I am not N with sense of grandiose – just a determined optimistic!!) . I scuffed more than my knees when i hit pavement and I’m now standing tall (well as tall as a short girl can!) I have run too long with this stone in my shoe! My gloves are on HG, let me hear that bell ring!!! ……

          4. HG Tudor says:

            Ding ding round one, away you go. I can certainly sense the determination and motivation in your speech there. There is no doubt you are going to come out of that corner swinging, the question is whether you can keep it up? Digest what I have provided by way of information and you will maximise your chances. You do not however have to take on our persona to obtain revenge, but rather you must understand the way that we think and what actually matters to us in order to achieve it.

          5. Iseethroughyou says:

            I need strength. I mentioned n has a new target. I want to tell her. Give her an informed choice of what she is embarking on! to sit and watch it is unbearable. I have no confirmed proof but gut is screaming – I’m also turning into to the watchman which makes me even more crazy- you also agreed I was watching her seduction and advised to say nothing but I feel this is a betrayal to someone I care about. He has chosen her specifically as you would suspect. What better way to trianglate me and have me tortured all the more than choose my closest colleague. HG You have helped me beyond what I believed possible. I have made more progress in the last few weeks than the last 2 years. Your books and posts give clarity regards his behaviour but it does not stop it paining me. I have anger v sympathy washing over me like the tide but I will not allow it to be against a friend, a woman who I have always felt inclined to protect. Whilst we work together, this is not going to heal. I want to stop caring. For the clock to stop, or better still go back before I ever knew the intensity of this. I wear a two sided face – 1 bright eyes full of hope, one side heavy with worry and confusion. I click a smile into place and smile and attempt to sustain an upbeat persona when most days I am close to tears and dragging my sack of thoughts and emotions like a boulder on a rope. Every day I have to do this – my head is like an empty dark cave by the time I come home. Numb. My eyes are open and my heart beats but I am am not within the flesh and bones of my body. How can I be set free when every day I have to get on my marks get set On this horrendous obstacle course. ?? What can I do?

          6. HG Tudor says:

            Have you read Exorcism?

          7. Iseethroughyou says:

            Hi HG
            I just wanted to thank you for your help to date! You know I have digested all of your information like a machine! Read nearly every book and now my education is being put to good use… I joined a closed forum for survivors of N and in less than a week I have been invited to act as a co editor! I am not bragging, it is not my doing… It is YOU that has enabled me to help others, I am just the conduit. I hope you don’t mind but I share a lot of your work, your daily posts, directed them to your website and I have encouraged them to ALL buy your books! so your work…your words are helping many more!
            If you have any other advice, I will always welcome it! (hey better still.. How do you fancy the role instead of me?? You are far more qualified in this matter? )

          8. HG Tudor says:

            Hello ISTY thanks for your message and you are most welcome. Thank you for reading so extensively and I hope that you continue to do so. Well done on your appointment and I am pleased that you have been using what you have learned to good effect and that you are sharing my work with those in your group. In terms of additional advice, I would recommend you continue to read both her and my books as there is plenty more to come. Thank you for your kind offer of being co-editor, but you know I would have to be editor-in-chief don’t you?!

          9. Iseethroughyou says:

            I have been on a shopping spree! Where you have the Devils toolkit, I, darling have invested in a divine new wardrobe! Filled with some super essentials!! Key pieces that are purposely purchased to assist me and enable me to dress for the occasion such as revenge!
            – Underwear: a brand new BRA (with some sexy knickers to match!) I have chosen well! It’s is a relatively sexy garment of course because we need to feel good from the inside. It is manufactured to the highest quality, specifically chosen to offer me the greatest of support. Much like my friends, it will give me the boost I need, hold me in place, keep me well positioned and like the robust underwire, be discreet and never seen!

            – stiletto’s- shoes shoes shoes!!! This are just to die for! These are going to keep me walking tall. With everything I have been through, I have felt smaller than mouse, lollipop kid, lived in the land of lilliput! No more! The heel will serve additional torment for when I take them off…just keep tapping it ( preferably on the back of his head) like the criticism that is to follow I will dint his ego and self esteem (what little he has) and leave a mark, like a heel on wooden floor.

            – Knee high leather boots (more shoes…every woman loves shoes) these will be used to march all over his superiority! Like a sergent major, (ATTENTION!!) I will stomp over his world in a coordinated attack, holding my head high in authoritive and dignified manner. (I feel his fury already)

            – Leather biker outfit – (I don’t have the body or a bike but thinking Halle Berry/cat woman style – my alter ego can dress how she likes right? This will act as a force field. My body will be untouchable.

            – Long sleeve shirt- to hide the heart I wear like a tattoo on my arm! No emotion will be shown this time sucker!!!

            – Sun glasses – to prevent the glare of what he believes to be his brilliance. This sunshine ain’t getting in my eyes no more! I can’t see you! (Ooooh no – you have become invisible! Ouch!)

            – earmuffs – the lyricist won’t receive an Oscar for his performance this time, I will be deaf to his song and his twisted malicious tongue.

            -rucksack – to pack you up and bundle you out of my life for good!

            Prom Dress – I will rock this garment, I will strut my stuff, head held and flounce it like Americas next top model! ( British version of course! ) When my time at the school of HG is done, I will walk triumphant having succeeded in my quest and for once it will be all about me!

            The new wardrobe, well doesn’t it sound magnificent? I am really pleased with my new purchases. But no wardrobe is complete without a big mirror!! This I will use to mirror your reflection for once. I will take the persona, the traits of your seething, nothingness to enable me to carry out my revenge. Like the battle with medusa, you attempted to turn me to stone, now it’s your turn( oh I forgot, you are made of cold hard stone already!!) well I am not, and in time you will erode and disintegrate like a gargoyle!

            Quite a productive shopping trip, agreed???some good investment pieces, I can’t wait to wear them.

          10. HG Tudor says:

            I enjoyed reading that and you are clearly grasping a methodical way to fight back. Thanks for posting that. Mind you, how much did all of that cost? Remember, nobody leaves without paying.

      2. Iseethriughyou says:

        Hi HG
        I must have a full libary of your books which have been read and re-read ceremoniously since finding you. Your books have been enlightening and inspiring in my quest to rid this disease. They have provided me with a gateway to a fresh field of flowers. (I just need to jump the fence to access that field and right now it’s like a herd of cows are standing in my way!!) He is like a cancer, a growth and if I could chop my head off right now to stop the thoughts …. I would! My head feels like a whirlpool.. I have mentioned I am watching the seduction of another, literally, in my face every day at work and it’s freaking ridiculous. It’s been nearly 2 years since the demise of the relationship but having this at work as you can imagine is his heaven my hell and taking me too long for my liking to be released from this prison. At first I thought my mental state was punishment for my adultery (seeking answers to have an understanding to why I am the way I am still attempting to gain clarity like empaths need) but now know it is the conditioning, the dark magic he cast over me – the forever lasting spell of shear hell!! That can only be broken by???????? Your books have guided me and I do as you instruct, I need my head to Align with my actions because right now they are not running parallel. HE Attempted a Hoover yesterday again and of course hate to admit that I enjoyed it, I had a glimmer of the man I once knew, he was there, like he existed…. (But 20 mins in to the call he commenced with the jokey playful insults which had me regurgitating our conversation all night!) Today has been triangulation but the ironic thing is, he is not even my type to look at,he is really ugly and smelt like a dirty bed (just like the time him and his wife were trying for a baby- just uughhhh also whilst calling me and texting me all day everyday) I read your posts daily to get some fire in my belly to repel his attempts but clearly this weeks events have halted my intentions! I also suspect he is only calling me because he needs additional fuel, testing the water ? You say N are envious, I see that and the jealously in him, especially when male colleagues are around and I have to punch myself in the face to remind myself it’s not because it’s me! It’s just because he is an absolute **** Please say you’re on the cusp of releasing your new books defender and work!! ?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Hello ISTY, thank you for reading so enthusiastically it is appreciated. It is honest of you to admit that you enjoyed the hoover and the reason you expound is precisely why we do it, because we know you remain infected by us and the hoover piggybacks on that infection. Keep reading, you are doing the right thing to give yourself your “daily shot” to gird your loins in terms of dealing with him. Defender is about 25% complete. Work and the Narcissist is about 10%, my writing schedule has been hampered recently but I am getting back on track. It is difficult because it is in your face (and believe me he knows this) but you have knowledge and understanding at your side, so keep building those defences and seeing through what he is and I will write as fast as I can!!

  9. JustBreathe says:

    I am. I have read both books HG. Great reads! Loved the way you used the tools in the book Fuel…a must read!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you

  10. JustBreathe says:

    Is it possible to beat an N at his own game, just for the fun of it? I learned that my husband was an N after a year of turmoil. I am 3 years into the relationship and have been physically and mentally abused by him. Of course a true empath and a victim of a lifestyle of such abuse, is accustomed to this. After reading all of the above, I’ve learned I’m not the only person in the world that is/has gone through such torment. I’ve only stayed because he claims to “love” me. Ha! I have a mess to clean up and I am not in the position to just escape, although I’d love to at this time. While I realize I am just a source of something to him, he is a source of something to me for just a little longer. I’ll try to stay one step ahead of him, just a little longer. Any advice? I will be sure to purchase and leave a review on all the material I can get my eyes on. Thank you in advance for any information you can give me.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      If you are remaining in situ but you are wise to what he is I suggest you read Fuel and Escape (the sections on handling the manipulations). Do you plan to escape at some point? Defender (which is currently being written) will be of considerable use to you as well.

  11. SL says:

    Why do you ask if it was an apology?

    1. malignnarc says:

      Fact finding SL.

  12. SL says:

    Curious to know what your thoughts are on someone who has never admitted to being an N, but has made comments like “I have a process addiction”, “I just don’t think I have the capacity to love anyone”, “I’m a misogynist”. All comments made to someone that is or was a primary source at the time.

    1. malignnarc says:

      Hello SL, these comments amount to “tells” as one sometimes sees with poker players. Whilst not conclusive evidence in themselves of narcissism, they are indicators. If there are other factors and behaviours which would result in this person being regarded as a narcissist then these are moments when the N is thinking aloud and allowing some of the shame that is felt at being these things to percolate out. Usually the shame would be projected by blaming, e.g. “I’m a misogynist but it is only because you make me that way.” You are getting a glimpse at what is going on beneath the mask.

      1. SL says:

        But I thought an N doesn’t feel shame about their actions? Also at the same time as one of the mentioned “tells” an expensive gift was given as an apology later that day, which was quite unexpected. Thought on this? At this point in time, it has been several years NC but I find it interesting now that I’m aware of what actually happened.

        1. malignnarc says:

          The shame is not at our actions but at what we are. We have no remorse for what we do or have done. How do you know the gift was given as an apology, was this what was said?

          1. SL says:

            After a conversation with the N about how he wanted to just get away, he couldn’t take things any more move his business, I was upset said it would hurt me if he were to go. This is the time he indicated he did not have the capacity to love or be truly happy. Later that evening he contacted me and said he wanted to buy me something as apology for being mean and hurting me. I now believe he was rewarding me for how important I made him feel and for how desperately I appeared to need him in my life. At this point I no longer need to know IF he was an N, that is quite clear after months of therapy and a lawsuit that followed, I am just one who continues to be fascinated by the human behavior and still shocked at why people do what they do.

  13. Karen says:

    Are these only available on Kindle?

    1. malignnarc says:

      Yes. You don’t need a kindle though to read them, just download the free kindle app on the relevant device and go from there.

  14. T says:

    So that’s it…..that explains his strange behavior. He expected me to wait for him…without him having to ask. He had no problem asking me for exclusivity in the beginning….we could talk about anything and resolve problems.

    Post breakup….he wouldn’t give a straight answer about anything. I didn’t want a friendship after the breakup….I didn’t think I could handle it…but he insisted on it. He would call and not leave a message and ignore my return calls…He would then be nice for a week or so and then start to ignore me.

    I flat out told him if he didn’t want my friendship, I wouldn’t be offended….just let me know–he ignored that question…yet got angry when I didn’t reach out to him. I guess he wanted me to chase him and wait the 2 years while he lived as he wanted to!

    I was a great gf to him, HG. I have all the qualities he wanted times 10…and he just threw it all away…why should I wait on a man that won’t swim across shark infested waters just to bring me a glass of champagne? He would do that for me in the beginning…he should be willing to continue. I never let him down…I am not sure how he could see the situation differently…
    Thanks for listening, HG! I really appreciate it!

    1. malignnarc says:

      You are welcome T.

  15. T says:

    Thanks so much, HG!
    I will write a review for this book tonight!

    Can multiple women serve as a primary source? I only ask because his dating profile is active from what I hear….he takes great pride in being a loyal boyfriend. that has NEVER cheated on anybody…..that could be a lie…but he definitely would hide the public profile if he were in an exclusive relationship…

    When attempting to apologize to me post breakup he did say that he couldn’t handle a serious relationship while in school. I accepted that..because his focus was completely on his studies and getting into the BEST state university….and our relationship suffered for it….

    So….I guess this means he’s really expecting me to wait for him….but he feels too superior to me to ASK me… his cruelty towards me is because I have moved on?

    I flat out told him I’d wait if he’d ask me to….he said nothing….and started the malign fuh after that…..

    1. malignnarc says:

      You are welcome and thank you in advance for the review.

      No multiple women cannot serve as a primary source. The interaction between three or more people may look like the narcissist and two or more primary sources but there will only be one with the others being secondary supplies but high ranking. We can have more than one intimate partner, one as primary source and another (or more) as secondary sources, all providing fuel of a high level and no doubt being used to triangulate one another.
      I would not for a moment believe his assertion that he is a loyal boyfriend.
      He expects you to wait around even if he says to the contrary because he is so special and you should know to do this even when he tells you not to. You are meant to second guess everything we do.

  16. T. says:

    Hi HG!
    I just finished this and I learned some things. I have a question about “The Role” narcs have for us. My ex and I met on a dating site. His fiancee dumped him 3 years prior…and the only women he had been with were “friends w/benefits” until he met me. He had been a member for months and had only been on a few dates. He knew right off the women were “not right” for him. One he described as a narc, one he described as negative and a downer, one he described as wearing a horrible perfume.
    When we met…he was smitten instantly. He wanted to pin me into exclusivity immediately! He said my great personality won him over. This impressed me…most men are only drawn to my looks at first…I fell for him hard….he really won me over… I was everything he wanted and he was ready to settle down….and was going to put real time into our relationship.
    His reason for ending the relationship via text/silent treatment was because he lost his job and was going back to college to be retrained. He could not marry me next year as planned….he made me feel like my position had been eliminated…..he had other plans in his life..and I just didn’t “fit” in his life anymore….I offered to wait the 2 and a half years out and wait for him…but he said it wouldn’t be fair to me….so….I moved on…..however, that does not excuse the discard and horrible treatment towards me. It’s like I am dead to him because my position was no longer needed…..
    He is back on….and does not have a steady….he has just been dating different women casually I have heard…..
    Why is he hacking into my social media and angry at me? He asked me not to wait…and he left ME?!
    Does he expect me to be there and wait for my position to open back up? lol
    Thanks, HG!

    1. malignnarc says:

      I hope you found the book interesting and that you might post a review, T. I am pleased you learned some things. He is hacking into your social media for the purposes of trying to hoover you and no doubt triangulate you with a new primary source. The fact he asked you not to wait does not mean that he similarly does not have to interact with you.One rule for you and another for him. He will tell you today not to wait and tomorrow to wait and deny he ever said that you were not to wait. Fuel dictates what he does not logic.

  17. Sheila says:

    Thank you for sharing your knowledge, HG. I find it comes at the most opportune time to fine tune my understanding and to answer much of what I didn’t see in my past.

    1. malignnarc says:

      You are welcome.

  18. Sheila says:

    HG are there instances where the cadres overlap? For instance I can place R in both Victim and Somatic and T in Victim and Cerebral based on their behaviours.

    1. malignnarc says:

      There will be some bleeding between cadres, you may find some on the cusp on two cadres, yes.

      1. Sheila says:

        Upon further thought I believe T used victim status as a mask. R is more of an oddity to me, very much a victim with his health, almost hypochondriac, but I would place him as a mid-range Somatic with hints of sociopath tendencies. My ex husband, without a doubt is a Greater Somatic bastard.

        1. malignnarc says:

          Said with feeling!

          1. Sheila says:

            I know he would never read that comment so it was safe to say it here! As long as it is that we’ve been apart I can never forgive him the damage he did. I’m quite ambivalent to him in his presence, but that is a rare occurrence with 3000 kms between us.

  19. Sheila says:

    It was evident by his response to an individual that alluded to me as his girlfriend on our first attendance of a group gathering. He made a point of highlighting that yes, I was a friend that was a girl, but was not a ‘girlfriend’ so to speak. He elevated me to that position almost immediately afterwards, but learned quickly that my codependent nature of the past was no longer part of who I am now.

  20. Sheila says:

    Buying this as soon as my amazon balance updates… you had me hooked in the preview I got to read. Glad I have a short work week and not much planned until the weekend.

    1. malignnarc says:

      Dive in Sheila, much to gain from doing so.

      1. Sheila says:

        I already have HG.. currently reading The Hunting Grounds. Much food for thought, I’ve been involved with several different classes of N’s.. it’s interesting to see how I’ve changed over the years when I can see the difference in the N’s that have been in my life. The last one seems to have made a mistake in his perception of who I was… which is why I think he’s trying to move me into inner circle friend, or back to that position as I think that’s what he’d intended with me to begin with.

        1. malignnarc says:

          You’ve evidently got a clear grasp of the dynamics there Sheila.

  21. alexis2015s says:

    I’m really enjoying what I’ve read so far HG.

    What you write about the gullible…. My MN made several references to me being naive and sweet and innocent during the lovebombing. Haha well that is the persona I always portray, it’s always better to allow people to think this with just a tiny glimpse of my naughty side.

    But I think he genuinely believed this. I’m not sure what went through his head after I discarded him. When I returned to the place we both go he made reference to me being stupid. But I’d Sussed him or completely, what he was and his illness etc, but I knew it was far safer to play dumb to it.

    His choice of target literally seems to be anyone ? Whether they are of lower or greater intelligence and everyone is taken in by him.

    I enjoy the fact that he thinks I’m stupid, when I know otherwise. It’s not even possible for anyone to make me feel differently about myself.

    I didn’t realise nativity was such an attractive quality to Ns, makes perfect sense though HG. I’m not sure whether to stop acting gullible or enhance this further to entrap an unsuspecting N ?

    1. malignnarc says:

      Well that is something only you can decide. You may well have an effective ploy against the Lesser and Mid-Ranged of our kin, but a Greater Narc will detect a false display of being gullible, but it is interesting to see your confidence in wanting to strike back in this manner. His choice of target may well be everyone for the purpose a supplemental sources with greater discretion evidence when dealing with the primary source. Glad you are enjoying the read. Tell your friends !

    2. Andy Kousa says:

      Reading your comment, could not help but think ! what does that say about you
      “Playing dumb to entrap him ”
      I am thinking you have the codependence streak of a ” covert narcissist” your self! Seriously is it a power game to you?

    3. HGurl says:

      I am in the same position you are now, I think you just have realized what you got into and have been discovering things and now you know his games so you can somewhat control the situation or atmosphere; I think you are still blaming yourself though that is why you state that I played innocent and I did this, but although we are strong and independent women, you have to understand that this was not your fault, you didn’t entrap him he actually entrapped you, we let out hearts lead instead of our head and now we have realized it so we are just managing things until we can find a path comfortable….what do you think, I honestly want to know because what I said is exactly what I feel and where I am at, just desperately want to find a way out and to be happy…

  22. alexis2015s says:

    I’ve just started reading this HG and I’m loving the term, ‘low hanging fruit’ ! That’s better than a downgrade 🙂

    When I had the grand Hoover, I told MN I wasn’t interested and that he was just my leftovers !

    1. malignnarc says:

      I said it earlier and I shall say it again Alexis, you are a rascal.

      1. alexis2015s says:

        Hahah thanks HG – you made my day 🙂

        1. malignnarc says:

          Pleasure Alexis.

  23. T says:

    yay! Buying right NOW!!!

    1. malignnarc says:

      You know just the right thing to write T !

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