Wrong Forever on the Throne

It is late. The time is somewhere between the witching hour and when the devil stalks the land yet the pull of slumber has yet to be felt. The darkness envelopes me with only the silver burnish of moonlight to pick out the objects around me and ensure they retain some familiarity. It is cold but I do not object, content to sit with the window open and allow the night air to infiltrate my domain. The cold touch of the darkness soothes me and a calm has settled upon my person. I am sat, alone, yet I have  no concerns for the day has proved fruitful in my quest for fuel. Although not sated I am neither in desperate need nor bloated from my repeated extractions. There is room for more, there is always room for more but I do not feel that driving need to acquire more. Instead the stillness and the calm engulf me as I sit here and look out from my elevated situation, through the wide open window and across the garden and the fields beyond.

My still alert eyes detect no movement of beast nor breeze. The trees still as if in silent salute. The birds that so often fly past are nested for the night and in the distance the intermittent hoot of an owl is a reminder that although I am sat alone there is still something out there. It is at times like this, when the freneticism has subsided, the hurly burly of the day’s cut and thrust has given way to this rare and unusual state that I remember. My gaze remains steady as I look out across those undulating fields, fields so similar to the ones that we used to run through didn’t we? Where are you? Where are you now? Why are you not sat beside me, king and queen like we used to when we planned our lives all that times ago? You must forgive me. I have not thought of you as often or as deeply as I ought to have done but I have been about other things. I know you understand. I know you recognise that the demands made upon me would be beyond others and that I must attend to those demands. I know that you realise that to dwell too often would leave me weakened and that must not happen but moments such as these, when I find myself feeling freed of my burden then I am able to reach out to you, wherever you may be. Although I do not often permit it, you remain etched into my memory and I know with the certainty that the world will not stop spinning, that you will always reside in my memory. Yet, I must confess, that is not enough. Should a moment or an instance bring to the surface an element of our past I am bound to push it away, cast it deep into the recesses of my mind and place it behind bolted door and fearsome gate. There is not hope for me to do anything else for to indulge in recollection at such times would distract me too greatly from my endeavours. I know I ought not to do it but I must do so. For such moments I seek your forgiveness from your benevolent self in the full knowledge that I deserve none. It is now when I sit on this chair and besides yours, ‘our thrones’ as we once called them, that I am able to allow your memory to consume me. I reach out with my hand and hope that somehow I feel your cool hand slide into mine just one more time yet there is nothing. Just that absence that has remained constant no matter how hard I labour to fill it. We would sit side by side wouldn’t we and look out across those fields through which we ran to our secret places, those sanctuaries and idylls dotted throughout our kingdom. We issued our declarations as one, formulated our ordinances of governance for the betterment of our subjects and did so with great gladness. How I miss doing so together. Where are you? Why will you only show yourself as memory ? Why will you not come back to me ? You could do so, even if as a shade to haunt me as I sit amidst this encompassing darkness. Do you remain distant from me to punish me? Perhaps you do and I know that such punishment is only right for one such as I. I know myself for what I am and I seek to purge that which grips me each and every day through the frenzied application to my endeavours in the hope that they will allow me to be granted absolution and you will return. I swear, I swear by all that I am, I would accept these labours at a tenfold if only to see you once again, hear your voice and look upon you as you take my hand as you always did. We joined as one and we were better for it were we not? Come back to me? Return. Sit beside me once again and let us find that which we once had and should always have.

I sit in the darkness as I say these thoughts aloud, my low and steady voice seeming distant and disembodied. I pause and wait expecting you to answer but there is no response. Please, come back to me because for all that I have done and for all that I am about to do, without you I will sit forever wrong upon the throne.

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28 thoughts on “Wrong Forever on the Throne”

  1. I broke into my narcs email to prove that he was cheating. I did prove it and told the woman…though it turns out shes married anyway. He told me to never contact him again. He was very angry. No apology for lying etc….of course not. I haven’t contacted him. I feel sick at all of his lies and manipulations. Will he leave me alone? Or is he going to look for revenge? I’m sometimes afraid of what he might do. I haven’t heard from him in two weeks…when i made the discovery.

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    1. Hello Tracy. You ignited his rage by criticising him through exposing his cheating. He has withdrawn to recover from his wounds that he suffers when you criticise him (read Fury to understand more about this). He will return. I cannot tell you when but he will.

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    1. No regret,no remorse, just occasionally I remember and I long. Last night was one of those occasions. It has passed now. Onwards and upwards, fuel to gather.

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      1. And how long will you allow your mind and heart to sit in longing, before you seek escape elsewhere?
        Longing is lovely, it reminds of what might have been and what still may be.

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      2. Really love reading your blog HG. I have a question, my narc’s relationships usually lasted about 6-18 months. We were together 5 1/2 years. Does this mean anything? Might he sit alone on such a night and be more likely to remember my sweet fuel? Just wondering… He is one of the “lesser” of your kind, lacking the insight you obviously possess.

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      3. Hello Antoinette and thank you for the compliment. Did he tell you his relationships lasted 6-18 months or were you able to verify that independently? If the former he may well have said that for reasons to suit his own agenda (they hurt him and that’s why they did not last that long or see how special you are his relationship with you has lasted longer than all others) if you know that to be correct then given the length that you were together means that you obviously fed him sufficient fuel for quite a period of time plus since he was from the lesser school he was less motivated to change the arrangement. Was he of the victim variety as well, since they tend to have longer relationships that other narcissists? If he was not, it will be down to your fuel. He probably does not sit alone and remember since he is of the lesser school.

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  2. A short poem from a lifetime ago.

    Silence
    How crystal clear you are.
    Fragile in appearance,
    yet you overwhelm me, frighten me
    with your unrelenting stare.

    Through the starkness
    of unasked questions,
    the dismal echoing,
    reverberating stillness
    of the emptiness you possess.

    I cry out to you
    in my unheard voice.
    The muffled sobs
    of an anguished heart
    and again
    my only comfort is

    Silence

    After I wrote it I made the final break and fled 3000 kms away.

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  3. You write in a way that its fascinating and make you fascinating. I love to read you every morning. I imagine its for all the same. Sometimes you write so beautifully and inspired. ❤️❤️.
    Of course with this writtings any women is just sighing and listening to birds chirping in their ears, ( we say this in my country when someone is in love) warmth in the chest….. Etc etc 💕💘💘💘
    The words dont seem to come from a mask but from your heart. Its very very nice in any case.
    Is fuel there now?

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  4. I’ve been here for ages looking in vain for a thread that has very few comments – HG a message board for random thoughts would be really useful (for me anyway 😀 ) – are you ever concerned that one of your own conquests reads your books and knows how to neutralise you?

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    1. A message board? I shall see what can be done.
      I am not concerned.
      1. If it is somebody who I have been entangled with before who reads it and therefore they know how to resist my hoovers then I shall go elsewhere. I am calculating enough to know which battles to fight. I like winning and won’t engage where I won’t win.
      2. If it is somebody I am pursuing and they demonstrate an awareness during seduction I would be tempted to press on, the challenge is inviting, but I will evaluate and if I sense their resistance will be substantial I will turn to an alternative. I always have contingencies.
      3. There are millions of targets out there. Much as I would love my works to be read by millions, people just don’t, so there will always be the unaware for me to target. I won’t go short.

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  5. That’s why I always say that Narcs aren’t an evil at all. Not only Narcs, but no one has an evil soul. Everyone has a sun inside of them and you can find it there, especially if you know how to do that. But there are a lot of clouds there also, and it is strange, but people consciously don’t want to get rid of them. It seems that clouds are better then sun. Well, it is their life and their choice.

    Painfully awesome post. Moment of sunshine. Bravo again, Tudor.

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