Total Collapse of the Heart

Music. One of the most powerful ways of conveying feelings and emotions. From the tension inducing strings used in the shower scene in Psycho, to the ominous double bass as the shark theme from Jaws (my ring tone incidentally) and to the uplifting melodies of Walking on Sunshine, music has a formidable power to instill sadness, joy and fear. From the earliest days of our existence as we delight in the sung nursery rhymes of Three Blind Mice or the excitement of a toddler recognising the theme tune to his or her favourite television programme through to the regal Entrance of the Queen of Sheba at a wedding or the accompanying sounds to a funeral,music is all pervading and all powerful. Music creates the urge to dance and to sing. It inspires and motivates. Think how much further you can run on that treadmill when you listen to some up tempo dance music or your favourite pop tunes.Supermarkets alter the music played over the tannoy to influence the speed at which shoppers move about the store, advertisers look for that annoyingly catchy jingle that is always associated with a particular product and if you are placed on hold some soothing strings are played to you in order to maintain its patience (although I must concede that does not always have the desired effect). Music has the capacity to change moods in an instant, to heighten feelings and manipulate emotions and of course it is this last characteristic of music that is so useful to our kind.

We use music extensively in the way that we manipulate. We may exhibit our proficiency with a musical instrument to lure you to us, this being a particularly favourite step of the cerebral of our kind. Our somatic brethren use the breathless excitement of a frenetic and popular entertainer at the sold-out concert to draw their prey. We ensure that we create a catalogue of songs which will generate Ever Presence when we have discarded you or you try to escape us through the application of no contact. Every time you hear the opening strains of The Power of Love, your mind is taken back to the times we held one another as we listened to that song and I pledged to ‘protect you from the hooded claw, keep the vampires from your door’.You are engulfed in sadness at such a memory and music has taken you back to that time in an instant. We of course always look to create ‘our song’ which we use at first as a device to hook you, hold you and then repeatedly remind you of what we once had and torture you in the months and years following the cessation of our relationship. Naturally, when assessing you as a target,I had regard to the songs you posted late at night, perhaps when you were mulling over a previous relationship, on your Face Book news feed. I worked through your social media, making a note of the songs you refer to and the context as I begin to compile that playlist for use when I commence my seduction of you. I may use a Lieutenant to gain access to your CD collection or to scroll through your Itunes list. He or she will have particular regard to how often certain songs have been played, when looking on Itunes and feeding that information to me. I make use of your list of songs and then supplement that list with the stock lists which I have and repeatedly use. I have such ready-made playlists of my favourite songs dependent on your favourite genres, accordingly I have a pop one, a rock one, a dance one, a classical one, a soundtrack one and so on. All except rap. Rap is no use when trying to seduce.

If you revel in the disposable joy of pop music I will have a set of tracks for use with you when I seduce you. I know these are effective because I used them with my last pop-loving victim. One of my favourite methods of seduction is to not tell you how I feel about you directly but always convey it via the power of music. I will send you a text with a song title which will implicitly suggest that you look it up on YouTube or Itunes and in so doing you will sit and smile as the music washes over you and the seduction begins to envelop you. I may send you the link for the song, or I may purchase the CD and leave it on the passenger seat of your car for you to play. I may feign that I was so hurt by my last relationship that I struggle to tell you how I feel and can only do so through the medium of music. This makes you feel special and each time I provide you with the details of a song I provide you with a concentrated blast of delicious and addictive seduction.

By contrast, during my devaluation of you I will deny ever liking certain songs that I once professed to love, in order to confuse you. I will change the type of music that I prefer and claim I have always loved that music. I will denigrate your music choices, complaining loudly if you play certain music or leaving the room. When I know you are struggling and feeling weak I will then revert to the seduction tactics and suddenly fill the room with the sound of a particular song which is so very significant to you and just stand and stare at you waiting for the inevitable tears to start to flow along with the fuel that I desire. Music is a powerful tool in our hands, it allows us to seduce, it allows us to denigrate and it allows us to seduce once again.It lifts you up, it makes you feel cherished and special because we know exactly the right pieces of music and songs to  play to you. We know, just like that catchy song, how to ensure that every time you hear certain songs you remember us and the pain and longing flows once again. Music is a major weapon that we are able to us. As Bonnie Tyler sang, “Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I’m only falling apart.”

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48 thoughts on “Total Collapse of the Heart”

  1. Here we go again… My life in one of your postings. From beginning to end.
    But I concentrate more on the posting itself and not how it reflects my past life. Excellent!!! You could become main editor of a very important newspaper or something like that… Its just so amazing!
    And you have an advantage above all other N’s …. You can not only use music but also …. Writting 😃😃😃
    Thats why you are the master N
    Have a nice day!!!

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      1. Positiveness is my fuel K !!!! Its also correlated to the amount of coffee I have drank 😂😂😂. Also fuel.
        The sun ☀️☀️☀️ Also fuel for me!!!!
        And I love to share it!!!!
        Enjoy !!!! And thanks for your message 😃

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  2. Mine never used music ? However there were a few songs I played at the time of his lovebombing which later on reminded me of him. So I played them to death, to ensure they became tedious and to remove all association – worked for me 🙂 🙂

    Wicked game – Chris Isaac

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      1. I’m very resourceful HG and never let anything get me down for too long. I always find the more someone has tried to hurt me, the stronger I become. So bring it….. !

        I’m kidding, please don’t. 🙂 I’m also not masochistic

        Hmmm well ?

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  3. Pretty much the dance with the Narcissist provides the backdrop for countless love ballads and heartbreak songs throughout time.
    No rap H.G.? Eminem’s “25 to Life” can easily switch about his escape from the rap world to escaping a sadistic Narc. You may enjoy!

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  4. I’ve been thinking recently about how we were never connected via music, which I find surprising considering how much I enjoy music, even working in the industry for a while, and that we were together over 20 years. In fact, the song we danced to at out wedding had no sentimental significance to us/our relationship at all but was just a song a chose almost last minute so that we’d have a song to dance to. I made a mixed cd our first Valentine’s Day together (none of those songs was used for our wedding, btw) and I can listen to any of the songs and not react.

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  5. T used to randomly text me with a song title, nothing more, just the song title and wait for me to comment what I thought of it. None of the songs come to mind now, I knew that game and didn’t obsess on anything about them.
    Towards the end of our relationship he did comment on a song that stuck in my head as it was played quite often. He said he’d come to really hate it and would change the radio whenever it came on.

    “Ex’s & Oh’s”

    Well, I had me a boy, turned him into a man
    I showed him all the things that he didn’t understand
    Whoa, and then I let him go

    Now, there’s one in California who’s been cursing my name
    ‘Cause I found me a better lover in the UK
    Hey, hey, until I made my getaway

    One, two, three, they gonna run back to me
    ‘Cause I’m the best baby that they never gotta keep
    One, two, three, they gonna run back to me
    They always wanna come, but they never wanna leave

    Ex’s and the oh, oh, oh’s they haunt me
    Like gho-o-osts they want me to make ’em all
    They won’t let go
    Ex’s and oh’s

    I had a summer lover down in New Orleans
    Kept him warm in the winter, left him frozen in the spring
    My, my, how the seasons go by

    I get high, and I love to get low
    So the hearts keep breaking, and the heads just roll
    You know that’s how the story goes

    One, two, three, they gonna run back to me
    ‘Cause I’m the best baby that they never gotta keep
    One, two, three, they gonna run back to me
    They always wanna come, but they never wanna leave

    Ex’s and the oh, oh, oh’s they haunt me
    Like gho-o-osts they want me to make ’em all
    They won’t let go

    My ex’s and the oh, oh, oh’s they haunt me
    Like gho-o-osts they want me to make ’em all
    They won’t let go
    Ex’s and oh’s

    One, two, three, they gonna run back to me
    Climbing over mountains and a-sailing over seas
    One, two, three, they gonna run back to me
    They always wanna come, but they never wanna leave

    My ex’s and the oh, oh, oh’s they haunt me
    Like gho-o-osts they want me to make ’em all
    They won’t let go

    Ex’s and the oh, oh, oh’s they haunt me
    Like gho-o-osts they want me to make ’em all
    They won’t let go
    Ex’s and oh’s

    I realized it was a bit of foreshadowing soon after his departure.

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  6. When N1 and I hooked back up in 2011 after a 17 year discard/silent treatment by him….yes…you read that right 17 YEARS!!! (He left Cali for NYC to pursue art school and he made a life there….we were long distance and just fell out of contact…he met someone else…). He discarded me post breakup because he refused to see me (just as a friend) when I was visiting NYC and got really nasty about it…we had words and didn’t speak for 17 years after that….thanks to facebook we rekindled our relationship in 2011..he’s a successful artist now..and seemed to have matured…He discarded his long time lover….and I was his new primary for about 5 months long distance.

    Well, we would meet in a small beach town in central Cali on his visits…and he would always play “Blood Pressures” by The Kills (2011)..over and over and over again in our beachfront room….
    I was discarded because I wasn’t the same naive little girl he knew back home 20 years ago….I was a grown woman…and I had my own mind. I broke up with him this time-BUT HE DISCARDED ME! That discard was brutal….I never knew he was an N until that relationship ended in 2011…

    I can’t go back to that hotel at the beach…and I will never listen to The Kills again–EVER!!

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    1. Interesting post T and demonstrates the powerful effect music has and also reinforces the point I repeatedly make that we never truly go away. Can anyone top 17 years I wonder? (In case you are wondering I haven’t. Yet.)

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  7. Ribbon In The Sky by Stevie Wonder… He liked to play that one a lot and would text me parts of the lyrics… I couldn’t listen to it for awhile , but now it plays and I feel nothing but a hint of sadness… The same with certain restaurants and “our” places… They don’t hurt like they used to, now I picture a clown in my head.. Maybe I force this image, but it is my coping mechanism and seems to help… I also feel pity….. I read through my journal sometimes and can’t believe the depravity.. That seems to help as well…. He still is playing the gentleman role, gave my daughter money again yesterday and told her to take her mother out to a nice dinner” Still trying to rope me in…. I could never look into his eyes again… I’m too afraid of what I may see or feel….

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  8. HG, there is much more to this love story! It would be great research on a future book perhaps :)!
    I don’t know if we would have ever got back together if we hadn’t reunited on facebook. He would come back home once a year for the holidays…but we would always just miss each other at the usual places…..
    He was a Greater Somatic…I suppose…and the golden period lasted for about 2 months. He was open to getting married by the end of 2012 and making a life together. He just couldn’t give up his need to control my hair, use of makeup, my choice of clothes, and my FAITH?!
    I had to breakup with him….he wanted control over my whole life! However, I never wanted things to end ugly like last time…and I wanted to be civil friends….no luck with that. He was horribly mean to me after the breakup.
    On New Year’s Eve of 2012/13….he posted on mutual friends facebook pages the wedding picture of him and his “best friend”….she wears no makeup, natural hair, and is a “super empath”. She’ll never question him–EVER! I guess that works for them….she still seems happy via the social media pages….
    If he is happy…I am happy. We have a lot of history….. I just wish I knew why he hates me now…..

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    1. He hates you because you broke up with him. He hates you because he wants to punish you. He hates you because you seem to be evading the provision of the negative fuel he wants from his Malign FUHs.

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      1. Well, I won’t hate him….I know the “happy pics” on Fakebook with the wife are there because he wants to punish me….and she wants to rub it in to me that he married her. I know he is emotionally abusive to her…he can’t help himself…but her type is the type not to let on that she’s been duped….

        I can’t hate him because of our history together….and I know his crappy childhood made him this way…and he is abusive to others to protect himself…he can’t help it. However, I wasn’t able to live it….he should understand that…

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  9. Call me morbid, call me pale
    I’ve spent too long on your trail
    Far too long
    Chasing your tail
    Oh…

    And if you have five seconds to spare
    Then I’ll tell you the story of my life :
    Sixteen, clumsy and shy
    That’s the story of my life
    Sixteen, clumsy and shy
    The story of my life……
    https://youtu.be/bAJ_74tDZzU

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  10. Nikita – don’t feed the animals -_-

    My ex narc and I had a favorite DJ. All of his songs were about falling back in love, fighting for love… two people being in love. I noticed this after deleting the music. I deleted it all. Here are two songs I am obsessed with currently

    wild horses – bishop
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6pMVlQrgZI
    You hold me down in the best way
    No quarter from these chains that I
    Slapped on my heart for a feeling
    Why can’t I let my demons lie
    Keep screaming into the pillow
    ‘Cause your touch still gets me stupid high
    Oh glory I’m a believer
    Oh glory Imma try but
    Wild horses
    Wild horses, Run faster
    You call my truth in the worst way
    Through the dirty ends of a broken smile
    And I swear I’m not a pretender
    Sometimes it’s love who’s the biggest liar
    So I keep on damning the devil
    And you’ll keep on saying it’s alright
    Oh glory I’m a believer
    Oh Lord I’m holding tight but
    —–

    The Moth & The Flame – Empire & The Sun Lyrics |
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=3&v=sgIjfj29OA0
    These walls don’t run from anything
    These walls don’t run from anything
    They stand
    Still
    ‘Cause you’re the Empire and the Sun
    You’re the voice that calls me home
    And you’re the place that makes me want to stay
    But your walls I cannot climb
    You are, you are
    I’m a house on fire, and everyone is leaving
    I’m a house on fire, and everyone is leaving
    Me
    ‘Cause you’re the Empire and the Sun
    And you’re the voice that calls me home
    And you’re the place that makes me want to stay
    But your walls I cannot climb
    You are, you are
    I could never love someone who could love someone like me
    I could never love someone who could love someone like me
    I could never love someone who could love someone like me
    I could never love someone who could love someone like me
    I could never love someone who could love someone like me
    Someone like me
    Like me
    ‘Cause you’re the Empire and the Sun
    And you’re the voice that calls me home
    And you’re the place that makes me want to stay
    But your walls I cannot climb
    You are, you are, you are, you are, you are
    I could never love someone who could love someone like me
    Anyone falls, anyone falls they ran away

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  11. but, if you’d like to know an example of one of “our songs”

    Not Giving Up on Love
    Armin van Buuren, Sophie Ellis-Bextor

    I know you’re feeling restless
    Like life’s not on your side
    It’s weighing heavy on your mind
    But when we stand united
    Our hearts, they beat in time
    I know we’ll make it all alright
    Let’s bring it back to you and me
    There’s no one else around
    Now don’t get lost in gravity
    ‘Cause I want you to hold me now
    Nothing else matters
    It’s just the two of us
    And if it all falls down
    Nothing else matters
    I know we’re strong enough
    I’m not giving up
    I’m not giving up on us
    I said, I’m not giving up
    I’m not giving up on love
    We’re of the same existence
    No lock without a key
    We can’t deny it’s meant to be
    ‘Cause I feel it inside
    Taking over tonight
    I’ll be there when the storm is breaking
    In this moment I’m yours
    You can always be sure
    That together we’re gonna make it

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    1. Hey Cara!!
      Im always feeding animals!!! I cant help it! Its just in me and they are part of me. This is why I like them even if rabid!!

      Second thanks for the last song. Although Armin van buren like Tiesto are one of my favorite DJs. I had not heard this one!!! How did I miss it. Its spectacular . I already bought it and I listen to it as I write to you.
      Ohhh party times, party times where are you ??? 😂😂😂
      The lyrics is beautiful, I guess that is the only way that love survives, not giving up because we all fall many times.
      the rythm and everything. Mood booster!!! I think I go jogging to the city in shortly !!!
      Thanks for this song!!!
      The other two to be honest, I understood why you deleted them. Specially the second one. Its depressive. I did not finish listening… The lyrics are interesting though. It gives me the impression of being very very troubled.

      And if you like animals then learn to like the rabid ones because those ones where you can help them really need help. The sufferement I cant even describe. Again has to be somebody with experience!!!!

      Have a very nice day ☀️☀️☀️

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  12. Nikita I imagine you are one of those who climbs into panda bear cages at the zoo haha. I actually didn’t delete them, I listen to them often.

    The second one to me is not depressing at all. it helps me accept reality. After my Narc discarded me and realized how difficult the world is and how much I took care of her and sheltered her – she sent me some words. course, she switched just a week later when her apology and love bombing wasn’t accepted immediately lol. I interpret the lyrics as myself being the Empire and the Sun – I am strong, a secure foundation. I’ve never ran from anything. I am security, care, nurture, safety … “unconditional”, forgiving love. A place that someone would want to stay. “I cannot climb your walls” -> anyone falls they ran away. Basically I interpret that as my Narc never being able to live up to such qualities, failing to do so.. its easier to just run away then face it. a coward. Disgusted with themselves, they project that disgust onto us to get rid of it.. as if we are disgusting for being able to love a piece of shit. we must not have much self worth or self value and how could they love someone like that? Yes, I got the apology a lot don’t get. what does it matter when a narc can never do anything but dream its sincere. it will never be real.

    “I’d be lying very much so to say I wasn’t in love with you, I was very much in love with you, but I am too selfish to see this love holds more value and could maybe help me gain the confidence I needed to try to be whole again. Instead I saw it as a fucked up cycle. I remember once you said to me “the grass isn’t greener on the other side, its where you choose to water it”. Just like everything else it takes nurturing and caring for us to grow. you did your part. I never could.”

    “for what its worth I will do my best to unwind the negativity about you. you don’t deserve it, you never did. I honestly feel like dirt when I think about how all the times I was cold to you and the last time we saw each other i couldn’t even spare words…I hope at the end of the day no matter what was said I realize you always tried your best with me. I don’t think anyone will ever have that patience you had. I probably will never find it again. So know that I’m aware…I resented you for all the reasons that doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. My poison got to you, now I understand why you felt so much pressure”

    “I’m sorry I blamed you and made you the bad person. I was cancer in our relationship. it was never you. I still cant believe you loved me as much as you did for as long as you did knowing I was fucked up and broken. Willing to marry me knowing a part of me may be jaded as long as I’m living. to me that’s what unconditional love is.”

    “you’re too innocent sometimes. I am glad your not taking shit from anyone. Only I was allowed to do so. If I ever met you again for the first time – even if it meant not being able to love you right away I would do thins so differently so that today wouldn’t happen and I mean that with every bone in my body. If there was a time in the future we could truly meet as ourselves again. untainted. unjaded. hopeful”

    “id give anything to be able to hold you one more time and show you that you put yourself out there to make me whole again without ever knowing it. and I just took and took. I’m sorry I never held you the way you deserved. if Id ever made you feel unwanted in anyway-know that it was me, not you. I was never good enough for you”

    “we will never end up together again because you are too smart to love me now. whoever you choose to be your partner make sure they are truly worth it. because you’ve proved your worth over and over when I have failed you”

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    1. Hi Kara
      Ooops Did not want to be unsensitive, but as you said you deleted and posted the new song, I thought you moved happily now but it seems not… I hope you sort it out 😢 as best for you as you can… Seems there is lots behind.
      As for zoos Kara, I dont go there. Its a prison for animals. I am a true animal activist. When I said I cant stop feeding the animals, i mean street dogs, which are the ones that can potentially have rabies.
      All the best ☀️

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  13. Type O Negative’s “Love You To Death”..so sexy and haunting. Luckily, (and I use the term loosely), the N that I dealt with was of the covert type. Although they say they’re the worst kind, I disagree. No offense HG, but I think your type takes the cake (and the icing, the candles, the music, the presents, the ribbons, the whole shebang) ; )

    The fact that I knew the dude since we were kids didn’t prepare me for the reality shock that ensued. His mask was that thick. He was of the Victim variety. Was on his 19th of 20 years in federal prison when we reconnected and the rest was history. Well, the next 3 years at least. I’m an alpha female, so I never really got to the level these dames you talk about get to. Especially the one chick who was going no contact on you until you posted a pic of you and another gal on social media. Then she came running. To me that would’ve been the clue that it was getting to you. Not the opposite…that you’ve moved on. I definitely would’ve reciprocated with even more pics of me and some male model I’d hire just to be seen with…. CHECKMATE.

    I was the one who set the tone for the music. He got me into some country, and I embraced it for a good 18 months, but lost interest. I’m a headbanger. Semi-retired one, albeit. Pop music is now on my ipod. It doesn’t remind me of any time period, or memories, or days long gone. It reminds me of the here and now. And that’s my jam….the present.
    #theweeknd #falloutboy #drake #ellie and even Justin Bieber ” If you like the way you look that much, well baby you should go and love yourself”.. (I like to replace love with another 4 letter word).

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  14. Nikita – I also don’t like zoos Not an activist but I love em. Its ok, I am a rational person so most of my writing probably comes off as if I have gotten over the emotional toll of being victimized. Some days I am good, others (mostly when other stress in my life comes about) I can get a little weak.

    SS – Hey even you posting a pic with another dude gives them fuel… so I would regard that as a fail if you had. I would also post the picture you’re talking about regardless of knowing this because I am also angry and hurt and it would make me feel better. At least I can admit this and do not try to justify the action as me being “stronger” than someone who gives the narc positive fuel by attempting to get them back. Positive or negative you’re feeding them fuel.

    I am also an alpha female – the prototype. estj aka the supervisor/guardian. “ESTJs are take-charge people. They have such a clear vision of the way that things should be, that they naturally step into leadership roles. They are self-confident and aggressive. ” people mistake our good intent, we are often called bitches. but that’s besides the point. I think it’s a little narcissistic of you to think you are above any other “dame”. Anyway, that’s how your post comes off. If the dude was in prison you at least had a dead give away he probably wasn’t a standup citizen. Some get no clue.
    They are victims like you. while I think some people are annoyingly optimistic or jaded I would never be so harsh when comparing myself to another victim (you’re not any “cooler” or more bad ass by putting them down) when I know how it destroys people – especially the emotionally charged people. wonderfully kind, empathic, forgiving and trusting people. these people are the best example of humans. they are not yet hardened.
    if everyone was more like them the world would be a better place. There would be no NPD parents to fuck up their children. no child would experience the trauma that causes Npd. none of us would have been victims.

    I do think it’s strong that you’re not sulking in misery and switching music types – I also did this. You’re in a better place than I am because there are moments where I catch myself being nostalgic. Then I tell myself I’m a dumb bitch and snap out of it. However I think it’s important to realize if we enjoy a type of music and now we no longer enjoy/switch/avoid the genre it means we are still letting them win.

    Interesting that you think HGs type is worse than a covert. I also had the “victim” type…me being “the guardian” it’s easy to see how I got fucked for 6 years. I think they’re all terrible. I think “victims” are almost worse simply because not only are they not authentic with us, they aren’t with themselves. however, I believe HGs type is more evil by nature. So tell us how your narc fucked you over ? like to compare. p.s. haha i also was into the justin beiber song as shameful as it feels to admit.

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    1. Woah !! Im now really confused?? Is it because I just woke up? Very late for me but the snowboarding yesterday was hard as I had not such a good one….

      Ms Cognite Dissonance

      Are you speaking to me?? Did I ever say I feel like being over any other woman??
      Why do you speak to me with the F word? Not even my N’s spoke ever to me like that!!!
      sorry but I am not going to answer your message, not only because I dont understand it but because I find it out tone.
      Have a nice day and try to find some activity that helps you let go of your anger.

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