Being Bitter

Envy and jealousy form two of the limited range of emotions that we are permitted. Of course, our reduced range of emotional responses is entirely by design so that we are furnished only with those emotions which drive us forward in our pursuit of fuel and thus we are freed from the hindering effects of many emotions which you experience such as compassion, sadness and joy. Envy and jealousy certainly provide us with the impetus and motivation to gather our precious fuel but they are emotions that you exhibit as well. Admittedly, there are those amongst your number that are so selfless and giving that an envious thought or look of jealousy never clouds your saintly features, but for many of your kind there is a bitterness that arises from this jealousy although we know you would never admit it and would prefer to blame it on us. Take for example the following exchange I had with one of my ex-girlfriends. I have not named the individual,not because I have some semblance of decency by granting her anonymity. Not at all. No, this is borne out of highlighting that this conversation could have taken place with any number of my ex-girlfriends. It is a conversation that could have taken place with many of you. She was in a period of devaluation and was providing me with plenty of negative fuel so as I worked behind the scenes to line-up my new prospect there was no urgency to bring about a discard. We had arranged to meet at a wine bar. I was fifteen minutes late.

“Oh here at last,” she remarked as I walked in to the wine bar. I pretended not to notice her at first,my eye caught by a tall and attractive lady who was stood near to me at the bar. I smiled at the tall lady and she returned it.

“I said,” declared the ex in a louder voice, “you are here at last.”

I turned to where she was sat as if noticing her for the first time.

“Ah hello, yes what a day, major deal going on and I had to take a conference call with New York,Pretoria and Frankfurt. It’s all happening I can tell you.”

“You could have rung to say you were running late, I have been sat here wondering where you were.”

“Am I late? We said 7-15.”

“No, seven o’clock.”

“I think you will find it was 7-15. I remember distinctly because I told my secretary to schedule the conference call for 4pm to last for no longer than 3 hours to give me sufficient time to get here. Big deal you see, so it needed that time allocated to it.”

“Well, I was busy too you know,” she remarked.

“Not on the scale I have been my dear,” I replied with a smile as I continued to scan the wine bar to see if there was anybody I knew and any further opportunities to gather fuel.

“Oh of course, your work is always more important than mine isn’t it?”

“No need to be like that, I am just stating a fact.”

She began to say something but I cut her off by pointing at her wine glass which was nearly empty and asking,

“Which wine is that?”

“Er, the chardonnay,” she replied.

“The Chablis here is far better, I will get that,” I remark and smile as I see her twist her face at my comment. I indicated to a waitress to come over to the table and I ordered two glasses of the Chablis.

“A far better choice,” I declare pleasantly,

“Oh it would be wouldn’t it since you chose it?” she added sourly.

I pretend I didn’t hear and thrust my hand out and revealed a watch from underneath the double cuff of my shirt.

“What do you think of this then? Impressive no?”

“Why have you bought that? I got you a watch only last month,” she announced in irritation.

“I know but, well, this is of a superior quality and the strap on the one you got me did not fit my wrist properly, not like this one,” I explained and I then continued to espouse the virtues of the chronological item as her face darkened. I of course revelled in this but I maintained the pretence that I did not notice.

“Anyway, enough of that,” she snapped.

“Something the matter? Not jealous are you? Jealous? Of a watch?”

“No I’m not jealous,” she answered far too quickly.

“Yes you are.”

“No I am not, anyway, where are we going this weekend? I thought we might go to Rockcliffe for a couple of nights, the restaurant in the orangerie is apparently really good,” she continued.

“I am not going there.”

“Why not?”

“Because I have been invited to Guisborough instead.”

“Who by?”

“What’s it got to do with you?”

“Er just a bit, I am your girlfriend or had you forgotten about that?”

“I would rather not say, you will only get jealous,” I grinned.

She looked indignant.

“Let’s just say Guisborough is better than Rockcliffe so that is where I will be going,” I added.

“Oh I see, you always have to go one better than what I suggest,” she snarled.

“Hey,I cannot help it if people who have excellent choice invite me to such a place can I?”

“You do it all the time. I get a new car, so you do the same only yours is more expensive. I gained a promotion and rather than congratulate me you tell me all about the targets you apparently smashed. I cook you a fantastic dinner but you tell me it is not as good as the one you did the previous week. I show you a picture and you tell me you have one that is similar only yours is better. Good God, I even told you about a moisturiser I was using, just chit chat and you have to explain how the one you use is superior to it. What is wrong with you? You always have to bring it back to you and go one better?”

“What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with you?” I replied feigning a look of displeasure despite the fact I was revelling in all this fuel that was being provided.

“You are consumed by your petty jealousy. I share what I achieve, I tell you first, I let you into everything I do so you can feel reassured that you are with someone who is successful and all you can ever do is be jealous and envious. How about being pleased for me for once rather than thinking about yourself?”

“I cannot believe what I am hearing. You boast all the time, you do it with everything. You tell me repeatedly about how you are ‘kicking ass and taking names’ at work, how the higher-ups adore you, how you are looking at buying an even larger house and how you have always been the highest achiever in your family. I told you about my degree result, yours had to be a class higher, if that is even true of course as sometimes I wonder. Your university was better than mine, your post code is a more desirable area,you have more friends than me, you have visited more countries than me. Every time I try and tell you something you have to trump it and go one better,” she continued as the anger tainted her words.

I slowly stand and her eyes widen as she seems surprised by my movement.

“I’m not sitting here listening to your jealousy, I am parked on a double yellow line and I am not getting a ticket just because you are envious of me,” I hiss. I turn as I hear her shout after me.

“There you go again, it couldn’t be a single yellow line could it? Oh no.”

I smiled and walked away content in the knowledge that these continued bouts of envy provided me with such delicious fuel. So predictable. Single yellow? I liked that.

14 thoughts on “Being Bitter

  1. Aimee says:

    What you did there — is called verbal abuse.

    I realized long ago that narcissists, controlling-people and (physical and verbally) abusive people live in a different world.

    A world of power hierachy …rather than a world of equal respect and mutuality among people.

  2. Noname says:

    Jealousy and envy are the energy consuming emotions. They evoke the internal pain and you have to spend a lot of energy to cease it. They don’t worth such vast energy expenses at all and, in fact, they lead to nowhere. Absolutely useless emotions.

    I got rid of those emotions when I was 17 and my internal world became more harmonized. I got plenty of time to think about and to do something else. Something more interesting, more useful, more real. Good.

  3. Maddie says:

    what a snappy woman…:/ and yes . single yellow lol made me laugh lol You are the best x

  4. Sheila says:

    I too am extremely competitive, but not for material things. My biggest competition is in becoming a better person then I was the day before.

    1. nikitalondon says:

      You compete with yourself Sheila. Me too! Sometimes! To improve myself in all aspects. Spiritual, as a woman, mother, friend etc.
      something else we have in common!!!

  5. You did the right thing here. What she was really drinking was “whine”. Shoulda called a waaaambulance for her. STAT

    Both of you are needy. You just express yours in a na-na-neener neener, my dad can beat up your dad kinda way. And she’s like NO WAY! And you’re all like “WAY!” …then you pull her braids and give her a wedgie..

    My question is why would you drink a Chablis over a Sauvignon Blanc or a Pinot Grigio?. ….

  6. Cara Ivens says:

    Ok I have a question about this one. How does a Narc feel when an ex succeeds in career, education, wealth, love?
    My Narc will make up crap just to feel better about herself. Like, she tried to tell me she made 25k more than me last year which there is no way in hell haha…does she really believe this? does she really think I would believe that when I saw her paystub in October lol…
    I guess what I am asking is do they distort their reality enough to actually believe what they are saying?

    1. malignnarc says:

      Hello Cara, if the ex succeeds and we have little to do with them, it passes us by. If we know more, still see them around then we regard it at first as insulting and we are envious. We may well exaggerate (as we often already do) about our own achievements to compensate because we see you as the competition still. During devaluation you are the competition and you remain so when we discard you or you escape us. We then will see if it presents us with an opportunity to gather fuel and other benefits from you. Yes there are those of our kind who distort our reality to such a degree that we believe it to be truth. Others who are more aware know it to be a lie but still maintain it. Both are just as dangerous.

  7. Hatty says:

    my mother in law is an N, she has to better everything in every conversation, I pity her.

  8. Freedom says:

    I’m quite competitive, however I don’t think I’m a narc have too many empathic emotions and want to help people. Everyone sys I’m always too hard on myself and don’t see what others see, I’m sure geyser right.
    My ex was always trying to be one better, in the beginning we used to joke about things but now I know he was serious.
    Such a shame the mask he wore wasn’t true as he would have been such a wonderful person. If you’re so competitive try being a better person as in values to others beat us empaths at our caring abilities 😊

  9. alexis2015s says:

    Hahha I’m loving this HG, so damn much.

    I’d never felt envy or jealousy to any degree, a fleeting emotion at most.

    My sister and her P husband amongst others were always trying to make us jealous. Your example about the car was spot on, we bought a car, they bought the same one but top of the range only a couple of weeks later ??

    I went on be radio and one An all expenses trip to Paris in a top class hotel. I’ve never done anything like they before and not one for entering competitions. Within two days they were in the radio and had won a prize (not as good as mine).

    I could never hbderstand when they were far wealthier etc etc than us, why they kept competing in everything. But since I found out About Ns it all makes sense.

    If someone else had something good, I’ve always just been happy for them and never bragged about anything as I never wanted to envoke jealousy in others.

    The MN attempted to have all those types of conversations worh me. But I didn’t let him. His triangulation invoked in me a huge sense of jealousy, is never ever felt this before, it was the worst !!

    It took me a good year after NC to get rid of these feelings and thank goodness I have.

    On the plus side, I’ve learned through you HG how jealous and envious Ns can be and this has become my sport Hahahha !!! I’ve honestly never had so much fun !!

    Thank you 😉

    1. malignnarc says:

      You are welcome, yes it often amazes people as to why others are so competitive often when there really seems no need to do so. Now you know why.

  10. nikitalondon says:

    Hahahah its so good you can almost picture yourself in that bar!! The magic of HG and his writing.
    And the double line!! Very good. That could have been me years ago parked on the X.

    I say that conversation is in between two narcissist. Maybe your GF has narcissistic traits and you did not notice.
    Competitive fighting how N3 would call it. He said his ex did this all the time as they had a business together.
    There was nothing that he hated more on a woman than that competition.

    1. malignnarc says:

      Well yes you are the competition of course. She wasn’t a narcissist, she just enjoyed moaning which of course I welcomed and provoked.

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