In the Blink of an Eye
The world has become a faster place. Cars have steadily increased in speed, trains thunder along the tracks and aeroplanes race through the sky. A jet fighter is particularly quick as it breaks the sound barrier, an e-mail can carry a message from one side of the planet to the other in an instant and a television broadcast can encircle the globe in seconds. Whilst the world has become progressively faster, speed has always lurked somewhere. Few things have been faster the law of succession of the monarchy. “The King is dead, long live the King” encapsulates that the moment James I died in 1625 then his son Charles I became the king within a dying breath. The striking of a flint stone that caused a spark to ignite and thus fire to come forth was a further example of how speed has always been evident. Notwithstanding these historical examples and the onset of technological advances which has made the world become faster and faster, few things can be said to be as quick as the time it takes for our kind to change.
From idealisation to devaluation, from worship to hatred, from cherishing you to chastising you, this dramatic shift in attitude happens with such speed that is leaves you dizzy and bewildered. One day everything is fine, there are smiles and kind words, affectionate glances and warmth but without any warning, without any indication or hint of what is to come, the position alters and does so suddenly and drastically. Gone is the affection and in its place that awful stony silence which has you repeatedly asking what is the matter? Tell me what is wrong? Have I done something to upset you? We may have just been laughing together at something and then before the echo of that laugh has faded away you are defending yourself as we launch a tirade at you. You are taken by surprise at the speed by which we have attacked you, you are so confused and stunned that you cannot even speak. You may have even paid us a compliment as we sat having dinner with friends and you turn to look at us to find we are glaring at you or you are on the receiving end of a scathing put-down. The shift from happiness to sadness, pleasure to nastiness and joy to despair is dramatic as it is swift. How many times have you remarked
“It is like someone flicked a switch” ?
A light turns on and off in an instant. We turn on and off you in an instant. This change is utterly bewildering and causes considerable consternation and concern for you. You always ask what is wrong, but of course that will just annoy us and irritate us all the more because you should know what is wrong. You should be second guessing us. If you loved us you would know what was wrong wouldn’t you? How many times have you heard that line hurled at you before a plate or glass follows? But why do we change so rapidly and seemingly without reason ?
I have explained on many occasions and no doubt will continue to do so that you fail to grasp and understand the dynamic of your relationship with our kind because you look at that dynamic through your world view. You apply the logic and rules and reason of your approach to life to a situation which follows our rules because we created the world in which both you and I now reside. We dragged you into this false reality when we seduced you. It is both a fairytale and a nightmare where nothing seems to make sense,but if you looked at it through our eyes it makes perfect sense. So, let me avail you of some understanding from our point of view as to why this change happens, why it is so quick and why is hurts so much.
We may be laughing together but I don’t think that you laughed as loud or as heartily as you should have done at my witty remark or entertaining quip. Pathetic? Yes by your standards but not by mine. Your role is to pump out that positive fuel and you have not done so to the expected level by not laughing loud enough. This offends me. You have criticised me and just like the spark arising from the flint above you have ignited my fury and it manifests as me lashing out at you.
We may be sitting peacefully in the living room, music playing in the background and enjoying a lazy Sunday reading the newspapers and then the paper is hurled to the floor and we are attacking you verbally. In that supposedly pleasant silence we remembered a remark you made two weeks ago which was critical of something we had said. We berated you at the time but that does not matter. As you know, we love to bring up the past. The recall of that event burns at your unwarranted criticism and once again our fury has been ignited resulting in you having your placid Sunday shattered as a shouting match ensues.
You may have just complimented our shirt and trousers but you forgot the shoes. We then forget the compliments you provided to us and solely focus on the compliment you should have given us. We are elevated and superior to you and you should recognise this at all times, well you would if you loved us wouldn’t you? Your failure to provide the compliment is again a criticism and our fury ignites.
What makes it worse is that we will often not tell you what the basis of the fury is and instead go on the attack by criticising you in return in order to make us feel better. We may not say you failed to compliment us about our new shoes and instead remark about how we do not like your hair the way you have styled it, which makes the situation all the more bewildering for you.
This sudden change allows us to gather negative fuel from your angry defence, tearful replies and sobbing apologies. It allows us to keep you anxious, on edge and confused which allows us to maintain control. This change makes no sense to you, even if we explained why we felt furious at the time, but when you consider it through the narcissist’s lens it makes sense in our world.
This change of heart happens because somehow you criticise us and nothing is faster than the igniting of a narcissist’s fury. As you know all too well.
9 thoughts on “In the Blink of an Eye”
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You are right. I didn’t understand the “Im a fuck up and always will be” statement, but it makes sense. After I kicked him out he told me that this was the reason we hadnt worked in the past, my ‘wreckless mouth and ways” and I screamed (at 3 am in my quiet neighborhood) that I never told him to come back nor provide any explanations or apologies – that apologies are meant for people to change, not to say you arent ready for a relationship.
The thing about him is that he is angry about 80% of the time – I was the one who always saw the misery, the sob story, the ‘Im not where I want to be because I have too many obligations and I dont want obligations anymore’ – its always blame.
I know that I can never save him. I just wish I knew why you guys dont try your best to identify this void and fix it yourself. Its so much LESS dramatic. It’s far less work to work within instead of constantly self-destructing. He truly has no obligations other than 1 child that lives far away – he didnt expect this one, she had it from an affair and now he says he feels bound and doesnt want to be there.
Just so much anger. You are right of course I know and of course emotionally I feel for the little boy in him. I hate that I see it. I hate moreso that I know he wont or cant change but plays with words as a crutch but when I reply, he is nasty. I hate that he uses me as his receptacle. Are you always angry inside?
Is it that you can NOT FEEL anything other than this adrenaline produced satisfaction through outide source. I know the answer.
My father has also left me 3 messages this week. Amazing I feel like its seasonal. He leaves me a message saying that he cant see why none of his children talk to him, and that he was a good father, and because he is now broke, noone wants to reach out. But nonetheless we are his children and he loves us anyway.
Same story, different man. I hate that I was raised by this. It’s all the much more difficult when you have actually been bred for it. But to recognize and see it play out is simply amazing. My very own blood – a charming man and so innocent. My Mother can barely socialize because of him, she is always anxiety ridden, jumping and hopping at every sound. Like my sister said, ‘None of us have children for a reason. They fucked us up so badly that even having children would be dictated by them’
I guess it’s true…and Id never really thought about why I didnt have them outside of always rationalizing that it wasnt the perfect time (you know that we have to be perfect in all we do)
Thanks for the feedback. Ill post on another blog soon, Im sure 🙂
Sue
You are welcome. Your mother’s perpetual state is not uncommon.
Hi HG need your feedback…Guess who texted me this week? Yep. XN. Is was a very long text, expressing that I was right…he misses me incredibly and that I was “a big part of him” and that he thinks of me often and wishes bla bla bla…Im a great woman and bla bla bla…AND hes driven past my house a couple of times, not to stalk but because it felt natural…what did I do? I told him that I was in Domestic Abuse counseling and that the way I was discarded was unnecessary and the time he gave me for his silent punishment only allowed me to research what he was………then his text went to “Im sorry that you are in therapy, and I wish not to hinder your growth – I love you and I am sorry for ever hurting you”
He came over……..and he came over late…..lol ….howd it wind up? He sat across from me and talked to me like he would a friend, telling me how hes gone to nightclubs and women (young) easily hit on him but he wasnt so bothered and left in an hour…we spoke on that briefly and he then said that if he shaved his beard hed look 20 and he knows he could get those women but they are all trash…. I wont speak on some things but I wound up kicking him out, tiraded and cursed at him, and then followed up the next day giving him exactly what I BELIEVE he wanted…a negative reaction of anger…either to let out his garbage bc new supply cant see that in him yet, OR to accept a ‘friend with benefit’ situation so that it seemed to be consentual….I asked him why he had to reach out to me? His response was that he wished I either sent him to Hell immediately or just ignored the text….Basically it was my fault….IDK why I replied. I knew not to…but something in me had so many unanswered questions…I sent him a link to your page and said ‘if you didnt chase ass so much maybe you could be like this man who has near 1/2 million followers but ud rather have dirty barwhores chase you to make you feel superior – HG saved me…I know everything of you’
His reply? “You have no idea how much I care for you…noone, not even my family knows the 20% of me” I said I knew his 20% which is calculated and evil, as he was being with me this past week via contacting me. He THEN stated that he almost HATES women because women have always catered to him, and he wishes that he could see one who didnt…..this is said to ME.
Tell me, please. Why is it that he WANTS me to flip him off? I left him alone – never reached out nor sought him out. THEN blame ME for even replying? It didnt nor does it make sense to know why, if I allowed a D&D AND No Contact did he reach out, and then wish I never replied?
I dont understand this logic. Im just wired to reply. However if you want to talk or stalked my house (somehow I dont believe this part) would you WANT me to be nasty or send you to Hell? Why tell me any of this. And of course…he is NOT seeing anyone…lol
Anyway we havent spoken and wonder….after my telling him off…is this or was this his FINAL attempt? Did my telling him Im in Domestic Abuse counseling change his Hoover tune? I do not understand WHY say you miss and love me and I was such a big part of him only to say to my face that he is saving ME bc he let me go bc he KNOWS he is a F*CK up
What is tihs decoded in your kind’s terms? Thoughts welcome.
I cant believe he reached out. I truly believed it wouldnt happen
I wonder now if bc my bday is in 2 weeks he wanted me to be upset, or accept a FWB package? I told him silence doesnt allow to me to wallow but rather research and YOU – HG – taught me all I need to know about him. I wonder if he read your page yet since he wanted to read it. I told him that even your initials looked like his and wondered if it was him lol
He probably looked to see if there is a financial gain through being another self proclaimed Narc. ANyway. you analysis is appreciated.
Thanks
Sue
Happy Easter
Hello Sue, thanks for the compliments. The simple answer is fuel. He reached out to you. He knew you wanted answers and therefore you would give him an audience. You did. He knew he could get fuel from you.You gave it (I note you reocgnise that you did this). When he says he wishes you never replied that is just a fabrication. He is saying all the things that he knows you want to hear. You deep down want to hear that he still loves you (emotionally he still has his claws in you, despite you know what your head is saying). He suggestion he is saving you is to make you think “Has he an awareness? Has he changed? He wants to save me? Gosh, how special I must be if he wants to save me.” By declaring he is a fuck up he is appealing to your empathic trait of wanting to heal and fix. It is all calculated to draw fuel and to let him know he can keep coming back and hovering again. He will never go. If you give him a reason to hoover, he will take it. He has you thinking about him, analysing his motives and reacting to his re-appearance. This is exactly what he wants. Keep reading, keep understanding and keep him at bay.
My exe accused me of second guessing him and told me firmly to stop it!
My down fall was also probably due to not dropping my job and family and moving lock stock and barrel to India when he mentioned it. There was no thought on his side it just had to happen, why couldn’t I do it !
I bet in his head he was saying if she loved me she’d do it. Again there was no logic or thought of the facilitation required in his mind. So out I went and in came the wife ( in 12 weeks) 😔😔
Ladies…this is all too familiar…..
I wondered about this after finishing “Sitting Target” the other day. It seems we are all assigned “roles” in the life of an N….and any behavior by us contrary to that “role” is looked upon as an epic failure in their eyes. Example: A “perfect girlfriend” would have by default laughed enough at the N’s jokes. A “perfect friend” would be there for the N’s wedding no matter what! It wouldn’t matter if you needed to be there for your grandmother’s funeral…etc……
I think that is why they have to discard us. They feel we have no other “use” for us if we don’t fill that role perfectly….or their lives took a different turn….and we don’t “fit” into whatever new direction they are going.
HG, am I right about this? Is it our “failure” to live up to the standards you have for the “perfect girlfriend” what ignites the fury?
You picked us because of our outstanding qualities. Our ability to do what it takes to make our men happy…… and our relationships with everyone we love work….don’t we at least deserve a list of your dealbreakers?
Hi T
Yes its perceiced on a failure on our side… Anything that you do different to adore them, is critics and ignites fury. This is as well do as he says and like the things he likes, be grateful and thankful….. Its all over the books…
Yes this involves alot of patience and awareness to see what did I do, hear or whtever wrong.
I rember with one of my exes we were telling jokes and laughing without stopping and then suddenly a face… Later on I learned it was because I had not laughed enough at his joke …. 😩
Wow! I have Only been following you a few days and everything you write is spot on about my last relationship….which of course I have been struggling to understand what happened, what I did wrong etc….you know the drill!!! My eyes have been opened and because of my stubborn nature I have been no contact on my own before reading your information, and now with All of this new found knowledge from you, I am toying with the idea of revenge lol! I just finished moving, not from him-that was in august-but to a much nicer house and one he can not drive by like he could the other one. I am sure this will bother him and after his blow up last weekend over seeing me talking to another man, I am sure I will hear from him soon!!! I am still close with his gma-she raised him-and clean house for her weekly and I know that she saw thru all the bs he told about me because she is the kind of lady that would never speak to me if she thought I had really done him or his girls wrong! She has said he has gone crazy! I am so glad I have found you and you have opened my eyes and given me the knowledge to hopefully beat him at his game…or at least give him a run for his money!