The Fake, the Whole Fake and Nothing But the Fake

Fakery, fabrication and lies are the bricks and mortar of our existence. They are the bread and butter that enable us to have sustenance. I know that when you look back at the golden period you always struggle to understand that it was not real. You cannot fathom out how something that felt so right, so true and so real could actually be something so false. Our behaviour seemed so genuine. Our declarations of undying love so moving and emotive, how could this be a façade? Yes you thought occasionally that we were a little over the top but you found that endearing. The reason it seemed so genuine is because our performance was so convincing. This performance was of such a high calibre owing to two things. The first because we have practised repeatedly and we possess experienced ease at mimicking the behaviour of others. We have done it so often and to so many people we do it without thinking. And there is the neat segue into the second reason. We do it without thinking because we believe it to be absolutely the right thing to do. We are not concerned that we are exhibiting a false front to you. We are not troubled by the fact that all our smiles, kisses and pleasantries are manufactured. Not only are we not burdened by this because we are not designed to be burdened by such concerns it also because we have the complete and utter conviction that behaving in this manner is the right thing to do. We need to seduce you. We need to ensnare you and what better way to do so than by this campaign of love and desire? Where is the harm in that? We get you where we want you, we receive dollops of delicious fuel and you feel loved, wanted and placed on a throne at the top of a pedestal. It is a win- win surely?

Does it really matter that your bag is a fake Louis Vuitton? It holds objects, feels the same and looks the same, so where it the problem? That Blu-ray disc is not a genuine licensed film but you can still watch it all the same with next to no deterioration in viewing pleasure, so again, what is the issue? Our fakery works for you and it works for us.

Our façade to the world of being charming, reliable and wonderful despite that particular mask being removed behind closed doors again is just a necessary device. How does it matter than friends and family are conned? They like me, they admire me and they believe me so where again is the harm in that? Yes, they may not believe what you have to say about me based on my façade but that is your fault. If you had kept up the flow of fuel this would not have to happen. Everyone else out there is in blissful ignorance and you want to change that. You want them to see what you claim is the real me. Why? All you will do is upset and alarm them. Is it not better that they remain shrouded in the illusion, content and unaware,rather than be subjected to the concern and worry that you seem intent on burdening them with? Why must you project your problems on to other people?

Even when I denigrate and berate you this too is merely manufactured. I do not really mean those horrible things that I say and do. I just do them because I have to. I have to keep you in your place, under my control and spewing out that negative fuel that I crave so much. If you had kept up the supply of decent quality fuel I would not have to say these things to you to provoke a reaction. I only do it because I must, I do not mean any of it. Even when you ignite my fury my hateful words and spiteful comments through this explosive fury is only based on a necessity to protect myself from your awful criticism of me. I do not mean it, it just has to happen. Do you understand now why it is not my fault? There is no real intent behind what I say and do, they are just merely actions which serve a purpose to ensure I get the fuel that I need.

From my seduction, through to my façade to everyone else and even my devaluing of you, it is all based on a fabrication. A necessary set of illusions required to preserve my existence. No matter who I deal with, who I interact with or who comes within my sphere of influence, I roll out the lies, the untruths and the perfidy. Everything I say or do is manufactured but I have an utter conviction in the necessity of this manufactured process so that this, couple with an absence of conscience or remorse enables me to churn out the lies and illusions like a factory production line.

I am always on the fake. And that’s the truth.

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49 thoughts on “The Fake, the Whole Fake and Nothing But the Fake”

    1. Hi HG! I think that out of ALL the LIES that have been thrust upon my reality and tore my world wide open and crushed me the most was realizing over and over that the love of my life did not exist at all! The illusions that I have clung to so tightly actually never ever loved me at all! It’s the WORST most BITTER pill to swallow out of ALL the mind screws! Hardest thing to get over and accept! Most infuriating! Blows my mind over and over with every lonesome painful memory of the two of us basking in MY LOVE and realizing time and again that as I was pouring out my love, My Narcs ALL HATED me! And my virtues were being fed to and slurped up by a BEAST!! Deception IS the WORST! Thank you for making it ALL REAL and actualizing it for us HG! We ALL need this desperately! I have waited all my life for you to show up and tell on yourself! Thank you for doing this for all of us! Hope you get a thousand surges a day from seeing the WONDERFUL IMPACT you are having on all of us! Peace!

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  1. HG, do you ever feel like you want to just be you ? And stop being fake ? Just take off that mask and be yourself ?

    I’m fake with fake people, but I find it hard work. If much rather be with my real friends and just be me.

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      1. Profound, and so honest…. The empath in me would like to embrace you for that statement….on second thought…😉

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  2. HG I’ve sent a few posts this week and have had no response from you. Either I’m getting the silent treatment because you have new fuel to concur? Or I’ve been discarded? We’ll if it is just a silent treatment the next time I’m allowed back in maybe you would answer this question? Typically how long do you keep the golden period going on or is it different for every new women?

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    1. Hi Fool Me I am away and have limited Internet access so I post some comments when I can and hold back those that need answers as I don’t have time to answer them all. So those who have posted but not yet seen comments or had answers will get them in a couple of days when I’ve returned to the land of reliable WiFi!

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      1. Ah Ha..I knew you were up to something HG .. too many years living with a N . I can spot the signs a mile off lol. Have fun . .

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      2. Thank you for taking the time to respond. Have a beautiful Easter HG. Blessings to you and yours! Xo.🐰🐣

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  3. That picture is priceless. Where do you find all your images for your posts? They’re always interesting and intriguing…like you of course, HG.

    No, we can’t ever get our heads around the level of deception. Yes, over the top and grandiose professions and mannerisms to boot were somewhat baffling but who would have ever pegged it for deception?

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    1. It is a selfie Bethany. I spend some time picking out the most appropriate images. I am pleased you find them intriguing and interesting. I see what you did there with “pegged it for deception”.

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  4. I have always “admired” how some people lie without flickering and tell lies like if they were true and sometimes even when the truth lies infront of your eyes.
    I am just wondering HG if all those people fall somehow on the NPD spectrum??
    What do you think? This is something that has always turned in my head…
    I know the NPD’s in my life lie all the time, ( friends, family, colleagues, intimate partner) but I would say there is also a spectrum for lying. Some lie more than others, and I would rather say far more… Some just lie without noticing they are lying I think.
    and I think there is the difference inbetween people without NPD and people with NPD spectrum. The frequency of lying and if the person worries or not about lying.
    I remember once or twice I lied to my father abour where I was going. I was sweating, if it would not have been in the phone, I would have for sure been caught, and killed (LOL).
    Now I will sound like you HG. I had to lie!! I could for nothing in the world miss the grand opening of that disco where the whole city would be and all my friends!! No way!!! I had to lie!! 😂😂. I did receive alot of support from my friends and they were all around the phone when I made my call..
    At 17 my dad would never accept I go to that disco, so I told him I way sleeping over at a friends and watch movies. Thanks God celphones did not exist then in my third world country. Months after I still sweat cold when I thought about my lie.
    Are all natural liers NPD or is there something isolated called pathologial lier or mythomania???
    I will like to find this out!!
    Lying is another difficult trait of NPD to deal with.. Not the everyday lying the natural one 😂😂 did you eat, yes I did when its a no, or I was listening to music when it was obvious he was reading… This is okay. Its part of the person and with love you can somehow live with it.
    The hard part comes when its lies like the one I said to my dad.
    Where where you ???

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    1. Everybody lies. Often it is just to grease the wheels of social interaction “No,your bum does not look big in that”. In other instances it is about self-preservation rather than hurting someone else. “I was late because of traffic.” There are those who lie to cover their own inadequacies, “Yes I was a champion swimmer at school.” which does not really hurt anyone. Others tell lies to wound, “She is having an affair with her neighbour and her husband is such a good man.” and then there is us who lie for the purposes of control and fuel. I would not say that all natural liars are narcissists but all narcissists are natural liars.

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  5. How strange this post now as this thought has kept popping into my head all day. It really is painful to know that all of the past years have not been real at all.

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  6. HG, the devalue stage does not have to happen. If we are slacking off on the job in your eyes we should be replaced. Not one person on this blog would disagree with that. What we disagree with is the abuse and mind games that come with it. Had any of my N’s broke up with me with dignity and and a handshake and “good luck to you, T. Our time meant a lot to me and I only wish you the best”, We wouldn’t be confused and damaged from our time together. Why is that so hard for your type. It cost $0.00 to be a decent person….. Why must we pay for the actions that damaged the innocent little boy you once were? Given the truth….our type would do our level best to try and fix it…if we knew…we’d at least understand….

    I’ve always seen the little boy inside of the man with every N. I will give N1 a pass because I knew how he grew up…and how he suffered at the hands of an engulfing mother and an abandoning father…..I had his mother’s beautiful qualities and he loved that…but any need (he’d say demands…but they were needs), reminded him of how he could never please mom…and he’d take it out on me….verbally and emotionally….
    I will always have a small part of my heart that belongs just to him…because I knew him when we were young, and I know his history…and him lashing out was only to protect himself…
    Reuniting after 17 years was just like only a week had passed. He remembered every special time, song, phone call we shared in our youth….I can’t say for sure it was all fake….because he did try….

    My last N, N3..had a boyish face when we met…was a former Boy Scout……actually an Eagle Scout which is the elite class of Boy Scout. It was always important to him to APPEAR to be honest, helpful, have integrity, and do the right thing….he was all of those things in the golden period. It was all fake…. because underneath he was exactly opposite…during the 6 week silent treatment post breakup….the only email he was hurt by was the one where I told him he was a disgrace to the Eagle Scouts. When he takes the older boys out on Scout trips and they asked for advice about girls….does he tell them how he treats women? Would he give Boy Scouts the truth about how he emotionally pushes around someone he is supposed to love?
    His mother was overbearing and controlling (she could be an N). She made it clear she didn’t want any woman putting their “paws” on her sons…my ex N always told me if she were to drop by and find us in bed together…it would be a fist fight…I don’t think he was joking.
    He was always on the fake….most people just saw this handsome, honest, helpful farm boy. Those that got close saw the real him…

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    1. T, that is the way you see it, to us, the failure means we must extract the negative fuel, that is the way that we a rebuilt. It is also in part what powers the seduction of your replacement, something I explain in Black Hole. I understand from your point of view you would rather us just leave you when the positive side begins to wane but ask yourself this. If you think that you are doing everything right (and through your perspective this is what you do think) would you really accept it if we shook your hand and put you to one side? Of course not. You would want to know why? You would keep on telling us you do so much for us and you would want to stay. You also have been enjoying the golden period and therefore you would not want to give that up. Of course, if it is a choice of parting at this point or being subjected to abuse you would leave at this point, but that of course is unrealistic. You do not know what is coming at this point. Indeed, if an external source told you, “He’s on the turn, you are going to be devalued and abused,” would you really believe them, when you think the golden period is still ongoing? I understand your point but the reality is designed to be different.
      I read with interest your comments about N1 how “a part of your heart will always be his” or words to that effect. That is precisely what we want and how we go about infecting you with the mixture to allow us to hoover at a later stage. You also comment how you cannot say for sure it was all fake. Look out for a later blog post on that later this week.

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    2. @T,
      Very interesting observations. The N I knew had a framed picture of himself as a 5-year-old boy visibly placed on his book shelf. Alongside many other items referring to his various compartments. It was an old-fashioned black-and-white photography, as they used to make them in the early 60ies.

      I found that quite unusual and questioned him about that. I can´t remember what he replied but that image of the little boy stuck to my mind. When I learned that his father had been beating him since he was a very small boy, it started to make sense. Just as his need for mental, emotional, sexual power and control over me made sense.

      The lesson I learned is that I am now very careful regarding my own kids, especially my son. I never beat any of my kids or abused them in any way, but I had a tendency to enmesh with them emotionally. I´ve come to recognize that this too can be a harmful transgression and violation of the child´s boundaries. The same goes with exaggerated expections of truth, closeness, or mindfulness. A child is just a child. Children are perfeclty unperfect just as they are. My children are not me, and I am not my children. They do not begin where I end or vice versa.

      Maybe that´s the life lesson I learned just in time through the experience with the Narc. I am incredibly thankful that I was allowed to learn that lesson early, when my kids are still young so that I can still correct and adapt my way of parenting. Truly, this is a gift:-)

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      1. Hi Alice! I don’t believe in coincidences….God MAKES us learn our lessons….He will always go the easy way first….but we only seem to learn through pain…it is always for our greater good.
        I think that is why He stresses forgiveness….that trial we were put through is only present to make us stronger and better.
        God bless!

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    3. hi T, this is for you if you come here and still read. your first narc you say still has a place in your heart because you know his up bringing. i would like to point out that quiet possibly this person may have caring feelings but the narc traits he possesses override that special trait, to a point. my son has the trait of caring because most likely of my love he received as a small child. but of course his father flipped him around the age of six. i couldnt believe the stories he told me while i was away, but they were true. slaughtering him is such an example. vile for a small child to be subjected to, and quiet unbelievable. how can a father say such demonic threats.but it happened. always when im away. my confidant has told me this of my son, and how his brain works. my son has the traits of a narc. he cares, but he cant control the fuel he needs, so he is a pisser.

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  7. Whether a N “politely” breaks it off or wages a ruthless D and D…or , as in my case, puts on a mask of nobility and “accepts” the end of the relationship….it’s an absolute brain fry. This is because there will be on our part a reckoning of all the discrepancies, covert and overt forms of abuse and cognitive dissonance.,

    However N acts at the end is never full disclosure.

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  8. Thanks so much, HG and Bethany!

    I would have not expected him to start abusing me post breakup….besides him being controlling we never had ANY problems…I never saw the post breakup abuse coming. He was being nice after the 6 week silent treatment…and we were getting along…I suffered TWO deaths in the family and he took that opportunity to start being a jerk and he completely discarded me at that time…..I hadn’t been in touch with him for a month before that….and I think that is what made him angry…..not sure why….he left ME…….not sure why me moving on bothered him?

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  9. Excellent article!

    Looking back, I find it fascinating that my very first e-Mail to him was worded:

    “Something is odd here, it doesn’t feel quite right… Are you a FAKE? That would be a pity.”

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      1. Well, I chose to ignore it at the time because I wanted to believe the illusion:-)

        To that first e-mail, he responded something like: “Oh, really? Why is that, what is wrong about me? Feel free to do a reality check if you so wish, Dear.”

        That was a provocative, enthralling and challenging answer promising a blissfull dance, wasn´t it? I suggest that you add it to your N tool-kit, unless it´s already in there;-)

        OK. So of course, I took that bait and did some research. At that time, he switched between Germany, Belgium and other places in Europe for professional reasons – he is a foreign correspondent for TV and was travelling a lot – and he obviously wanted me to know or to keep track of where he was staying. Or at least that´s the tool he used in order to draw me into his web. He gave me the false impression that it mattered to him that I *knew* about his life and activities.

        My first reality check was that I researched the IP addresses and geo-locations of his e-mails to me. It confirmed that the various places he told me he was currently staying at were accurate. Of course, I also googled and compared the bits of information I already had with the virtual facade I found. Although there were some obvious inconsistencies and “cracks” in that public image which I instantly noted, the facade still looked pretty good altogether, and most importantly, it matched all my unconscious inner needs. Truth is, the little inconsistencies, the *edginess*, made that man all the more interesting and I was enticed to figure him out.

        Isn´t it funny how *the dance* starts from day 1, exactly how it is meant to be? 🙂

        Let´s just say that at that early stage, we were already hunting each other in our very specific ways, which in fact are very similar in nature. In fact, I have come to the conclusion that it was a mutual ensnarement! The main pillars of the ensnarement between the Narc & Empath are illusion, wishful thinking, projection, game playing, intensity coupled with mistrust and deceit. At least that´s my experience.

        In my particular case, I remember feeling some kind of relief after that first `fact checking´. Although my gut instincts were still screeming DANGER in capital letters, I felt that draw to the danger and chaos in the way H.G. descriped in his “Little Red” blog post. Later, I read the phrase “If you are afraid of the wolves don´t go into the woods.” Very true! But at that time, I was more curious than afraid. Maybe I even longed for a wolf? 🙂

        “You can´t always get what you want… but if you try sometimes, you get what you neeed!”

        As to him constantly telling me about his whereabouts: I later understood that this was part of the love-bombing technique: by giving me the impression that I was allowed knowledge of his whereabouts, he created a false sense of intimacy and encouraged me to keep track of his places, by looking them up on Google Earth for example. He is very good with words (just as you are) and masters the art of verbal illusion (both inside and outside of the bedroom;-)). I, on my part, am very sensitive to words and visualisation (and told him so early on). Hence, he already knew how to catch my attention, where to aim at, how to put me into his cross hairs…

        An example here: he was planning to move to Brussels at the beginning of the new year and was looking for an appartment there. We exchanged views about possible places and he vividly described his favourite prospect (appartment) in a message, including little hints at what we would be able to do there together (sexual innuendos), it was like a fore-play to what might happen in that appartment… I instantly joined the game here, by adding my own little scenarios, like I´d place virtually place myself over there in his mind, leaning at that wall in the entry hall, waiting for him to turn me around with a firm grip, or maybe I´d be bonded to that cast-iron balcony standing at dawn or I would provoke him into commanding me to… okay, let´s stop this here;-)

        At that stage, we had only met about three times in person.

        See? I wasn´t the classic victim. I wanted him, I challenged him and I allowed him to do that. I resisted just enough to be a great catch and excellent supply for him, but not too much for him to find it too exhausting. Thereby, I even invited him to enter my world and explore it (or, as you´d say: suck out the delicious fuel out of it). It is also true that I very well remember thinking “why do I allow him to enter my space, my inner circle, even though he is manifesting so little real effort or consistency?” But at a subconscious level, I obviously needed to dance with the devil to unleash something inside of me. So I did.

        What else? Well, that gut instinct was there from day 1 to the last day, it never left entirely. I didn´t listen to it most of the time, but it was there and I am proud about that. At least, he did not con me. I conned myself, most of the time. Or maybe, I just gave myself permission to unleash my authentic life force, live fully in the moment, and uplevel myself by experiencing the contrast of deep darkness and bright light, and finally choose the light?

        We (empaths) have to remind ourselves that the love, excitement and the “wholeness” we felt in the presence of the Narc in the good times are ours. It is something genuine that WE have inside of us. It is something that we (finally) feel free and able to express because the Narc is kind of opening us up somehow. We feel brave enough to get outside of the shell and jump from the edge of the world. We feel strong! If he is there with us, if we are by his side, surely we can fly?

        I think that during the golden period, we finally give permission to trust ourselves, we allow ourselves to feel and express the love we have inside of us – all of it! Before, we would not dare to do that, for fear of being “too much” for any man. But this man can handle it, we sense that. He provokes (aka manipulates) us into loving him that way. Wildly, unconditionally!

        Suddenly, we are able to access all of that love and we feel a strong urge to give it to the N, and only to him. Nobody else but him could handle it. We were made for loving him – exactly him (ironically, there is some truth in that). No other man seems to ever matter any more.

        In reality, it is a self-love that we have been supressing for a long time that the Narc awakens. Dancing the dance with him enables us to feel and express that love. We do that by projecting our (self-)love onto him and he partly sucks it up, partly mirrors that back to us (at least during the idealisation phase) so that we are motivited to continue the fuelling and keep the drip-drop of live energy flowing.

        In the golden moments, we feel that we can effortlessly become the best version of ourselves. We feel sexy, beautiful, free, daring and adventurous in his presence. We are trying out and experiencing things we thought we´d never dare, stuff that only took place in our imagination.

        So surely, it must be him who made us come alive that way?

        Could we ever do those stunning things, be that wonderful creature without him (again)?

        Yes and no.

        No – because we needed that eye-opener, that *messenger* to truly, authentically access, express hidden dreams, fantasies, passionate feeling. We needed someone to unlock the door and encourage us to cross certain borders, act out unconscious stuff and deeply experience that blissful state of intense love. In Germany, we have an expression for that: “Liebesrausch”. There is no 1:1 English translation for that expression; I think a word-by-word translation would be “love trip” (trip as in a drug trip). The same goes for our deepest fears and wounds: the Narc was the messenger. He helped us to draw the curtains and uncover those as well. There is no bright light without deep darkest.

        Yes – we can experience that again (without the Narc) – because we now 100% know that the love we felt and expressed is LOVE (in capital letters) that do have inside of us, but have been denying to ourselves for ages. This love has always been part of our true selves. It is our essence.

        Most importantly: it wasn´t the Narcs love, because sadly, he can´t feel or give any genunine love at all, not even to himself. He just helped us to unchain our love and then mirrored it back to us. So the good news is that we can reclaim that love and direct it to ourselves! We can also gift it to other persons which can return it genuinely. We don´t have to search for another Narc to replace the former one. All the wonderful feelings are inside us already. We can source love from within and thereby attract more love. Isn´t that wonderful? 🙂

        I experience that every day since I emotionally unhooked from the Narc. It took me a very long time to do that (about 1.5 years), but today, I wake up fresh, rested and happy. I am enjoying life every day and I feel whole, strong and free. Not everyday day is perfect but there are perfect days again:-)

        Alright. That was a loooong reply to a one-liner, haha. But it might be another piece in the puzzle;-)

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      2. Thank you for sharing that Alice, very interesting and some clearly perceptive insights, particularly from what the empath gets out of it. You might be left wondering who targeted who…..

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  10. Well said Alice-I agree with you wholeheartedly having experienced the very same thing you described. Thankfully I have finally “unhooked emotionally” from my narc. It took quite a long time and I am almost back to the old me-and I have missed her. I will never be my old self again-nor do I want to be since the experience with this narc provided me with firsthand knowledge regarding the existence of this type of sinister persona non grata.

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    1. Alice- incredible . I’m still in early stages of recovery but I love the imagery, hope and optimism in your comment. I do feel so much more ‘me’ after him than before. I was on that live trip you described but I am so happy to see that it’s mine to have again and again should I want to.

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    2. Alice! That was so insightful once again into what the heck I was doing and WHY! Beautifully illustrated! Gives me hope to find genuine people to share the love in me that you described so vividly clear! Thank you for sharing that! Helps a lot!

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      1. Thank you Heather! I am glad that you can take something useful out of my comments.

        Sometimes I fear that I have been sharing too much of myself on this blog, and wonder if that was reasonable… but I noticed that HG did not abused anybody’s trust or vulnerabilty even once over time (not once since October 2015) – very un-narcish for a narc, but maybe that’s part of his mysterious ‘five rules’ – so I keep contributing to his blog when I feel that it could make sense. My own no. 1 rule when contributing is 100% honesty and authenticity. Otherwise, there would be no point participating in this project here. Not the Fake, but the Truth shall set us free. It’s also called Tough Love, and only when I started applying it to myself, the healing began 🙂 Another important tool is self-compasssion and -forgiveness. Finally, working on the body level/somatic level.

        It is a work in progress and even after two years post narc, I am still rebuilding myself, one day at a time. It is truly a life-project, but I firmly believe that we are worth it!

        I read many of your comments yesterday and found them very inspiring as well, thank you!

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  11. HG- ive been reading a lot this week and wonder if I’ve underestimated my exN by labeling him a victim narc. He does often come with the pity plays but I’m starting to wonder is those are fake fake fake. I know for sure they are designed it manipulate, but after so many ” I’m better off dead” or ” I’m going to jump off a bridge” statements…I don’t know what he’s on about.

    These type statements tend to come most after I’ve broken no contact and been communicating out of necessity but not providing any fuel (no emotion).

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    1. Hello Moving On, those comments are more typical of pity play hoovers as opposed to denoting that he is a Victim Narcissist. Have a read of Black Hole as there are several pity play hoovers in there that you may recognise and need to look out for.

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      1. Thank you Professor. (May I call you that?). I’ve just reread Revenge and I think I have woefully underestimated my N. Victim and emergency power plays might be his fav, but I’m now convinced he’s mid-range elite or mid-range somatic. Yikes!

        I expect some rage and fury to be unleashed soon! 😬😳

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  12. Hello there Jancis & MovingOn,

    Thank you so much for reading and commenting on what I wrote back in April! I appreciate that very much, and I am happy to hear that you can relate and move forward, too.

    I have been away from this blog for a while, because I feel that I do not “need” it that much any more for clarity and healing, although it has helped me at a particular point of my healing process. Since I signed up for following the comments on particular posts, I still receive the updates so that´s why I am back today:-)

    A lot has happened since that and recently, I even dared to do the “unthinkable”, meet up with the N and interact with him. It all went very well, since I was able to act and speak from a place of empowerment. I think he realized that and acknowleged it. All in all, it was a very good and fruitful interaction which contributed to more healing (I dare even say on both sides:-)). As far as I can tell, he too felt relief. After all, they are humans just as we are, only that they deal with things (quite) a bit differently, or: have established different defense mechanisms to deal with life. Interestingly, the meeting did NOT trigger me in any way, being at his place (yes!) did not draw me back to thim, interacting with him did not make him try to “suck me back in”, even though we spoke for five hours and went through various “mind/emotional states” (ranging from light talk to heavy talk, from laughter to tears, intermingled with a little flirt, anger, set-backs into old patterns which than God I was able to interrupt, and finally a long, heart-felt hug without any sexual charge, which brought a lot of healing).

    Since then, I do not feel any anger, resentment, anxiety or hatred any more. I was able to cleary see his narc-ish behaviours, displayed right there in front of me, but it didn´t affect me the way it had affected me in the past! There was only one difficult moment, that was when he tried blame-shifting and projection, but I was able to detect that as what it was, and detach, look at it from an objective, ‘outsider’ point of view and deal with it like a `pro´. I felt safe within my safe and my (new-found?) boundaries protected me from `dark the pull´. What I liked especially was that I found the right words to express my emotions and what I had gone through during and after the relationship, without attacking or putting all the blame on him. Meaning I owned my sh*t but was able to reject his sh*t everytime he tried to drop it on me. I did not use any covert (co-dependent) manipulation techniques, I kept my guards up but did not fight, I showed up authentically and wasn´t even afraid to show vulnerability. That was so liberating!

    After I was back at my place, it felt like 100% “inner integration” for the first time in 1.5 years, that is since the break-up:-))

    He appeared to be kind of “enchanted” too, but I guess that´s because he unexpectedly received attention, validation and thus A+ fuel from an old “source of supply” which he´d already “written off” in favour of a new one. The funny thing is that I didn´t even care about that, neither about the fact of providing him with fuel, nor about the fact that he certainly has lined up new “sources of supply.” I even told him “Thank God I do not have to carry the load (of it all) anymore and that I had mentally, emotionally and spiritually passed on the baton, hihi.

    Well, I could write much more about that interaction, but I guess the point I would like to make here is that sometimes, “breaking no contact deliberately can be an act of liberation and empowerment, if and when it is made of a place of inner strength and with good boundaries, and in accordance with our inner voice (aka the True Self Voice, not the misleading addict´s voice;-)).

    Love to all of you – it truly is a hell of a challenge and journey to navigate through narcissistic abuse and the aftermath, but there is such a thing as healing and uplevelling. And it is so worth it to walk down that path back to Self and free yourself from the past!!!

    xx Alice

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    1. Alice, u are amazing. Sounds like u could lead , guide, & teach ur powerful knowledge. I envy that. I so wish I had the strength & knowledge that u posses. I do admire you. Thank u for ur post.

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      1. @c2gemineyes,

        Thank you for your kind words! I am no different than all the other lovely ladies on this blog here, still walking on The Road Less Travelled myself in order to move on. It takes time and patience and self-compasssion, there are good days and difficult days. You will get to the other side eventually, there is no way that the narc shoes will fit us anymore after we’re come that far (following and contributing to HG’s project)! xx

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    2. Alice Your an inspiration 😃
      Im new to HG posts but im avidly reading . Im early i recovery so quite raw . Accepting it was all an illusion is the mind bending . Il keep reading and learning and find myself again .

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  13. The most horrifying part of this post, from my perspective is….

    Suggesting that it does not matter if your bag is a fake Louis Vuitton.

    I am in shock and do not know if I will ever recover!

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  14. Hi Alice
    Its been a long way when we look back exacly almost one year behind now.
    I think we can all say that our lives and have changed significantly. What we thought at that time would be, is probably not going to be anymore and we all sit here looking to the future to a what will it be.. ☁️☁️☁️ What wind wilö it blow.. 🌊🌊.
    What will the waves bring to shore.
    Will it rain hard? Will the sun shine? 🌞🌞

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  15. Bravo, Alice! If I were a man I would say “That’s my girl!”.

    Impressive self-work and very right mind-set. I wish everything good for you. Have a happy life. Bon voyage!

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    1. Thank you! It´s all a work-in-progress…

      Well, if you were a man, contacting me under the nick of “Noname”, my narc detector would go off, I guess:-)

      I too wish you all the best and: happy travels!

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