This Time More Than Any Other Time

When you first come into my sights, when you appear between those crosshairs and I sense your empathic qualities, your adherence to the traits which make you so attractive to me, I am filled with optimism. I have spoken on many occasions about my need to extract fuel on a daily basis. This ritual necessitates the acquisition of someone who will be my primary source and then a whole host of secondary and tertiary sources who are drawn from friends, family, strangers, colleagues and so forth. It is a ceaseless task but one which I am built for, one I have been designed for and one which I will always apply myself to. I prefer to conserve my energies and that is why I live in hope that this time the person that I have targeted will be the one who will not let me down. On this occasion I have found the person who will be my primary source so that I never have to embark on the devaluation of this person because they have failed in their obligation to provide me with fuel. Many people may regard me as prejudicial person and it is true that I pre-judge people, but only ever do so on the basis of satisfactory evidence. I look for the necessary traits in how you interact with others, the things that you say and what you do. I watch carefully before I make my move. When I see the very things which I cherish and require for the purposes of gathering fuel, I experience an elation. There is excitement and anticipation. Mostly it is because of the fuel which I hope to gather from you, that delicious and golden fuel which super charges me, invigorates me and provides me with the power to sail through life charming and attracting. However, my excitement is not all based on the anticipation of tasting your fuel. No, a significant part of my anticipation is borne out of the fact that you might just be the one. You could be that person who does not let me down. You could be the one who finally provides me with such sweet fuel that I never have to go elsewhere for a primary supply. I cannot give up my supplementary sources as they are a reserve and a contingency for when I am not able to draw my main fuel from you as my primary source. This is not because I have cast you aside or because you have committed that treacherous act of escaping me and instigating no contact. Not at all. The reserve is required because owing to various factors I cannot be by your side every hour of day or in some form of contact with you to this extent. This means that much as I delight in your sweet, sweet fuel, I am forced to obtain it elsewhere and this is from those supplementary sources. It is you however that I still look to for the best fuel. You who I look to in order to provide me with the most fuel and to do so with comforting regularity. I want this fuel from just one primary source. You seem to think that I revel in the abuse that I dole out when I devalue my primary source victim, but I do not. It may look that way, a side effect of the power that courses through me as I drink deep of that negative fuel but in truth I would much rather never have to go down that route. I would prefer that you continue to pump out that positive fuel to such an extent that it always remains satisfactory for me. I want you to be the one that is always there, reliable, dependable and magnificent in the production of your fuel. You would benefit too. There would be no awful abuse as devaluation takes place. There would be no mystifying discard (mystifying to you at least – it makes perfect sense to me) and then I would not even have to go to the trouble of applying various types of hoover in order to bring you back to me. Imagine avoiding all of that and remaining in the glorious golden period of seduction the whole time? I know how much you love that. I have seen it in your eyes, I have seen you speak of it and of course I have seen how hard you have fought at times to recover it. You adore and worship the golden period and you can have that. You can have that all the time. All I ask of you is to keep providing me with that fuel at the potency and level that is appropriate and demanded. It cannot be too difficult for you can it? You once did it. You provided it brilliantly but then you let me down by not providing the quality I was used to. You diminished the frequency and became unreliable, thus hurting me and that could not be countenanced. You had to be hurt in return. There was no hope for any other way. Imagine being able to avoid bringing all that horror on yourself as you keep doing what is necessary. You keep giving me my fuel at the prescribed level and in return you get to stay in the golden period forever. This is what I hope for too and you think that I am selfish. Not at all. We both win. You have the golden period and I have the golden fuel. This is what I hope for each time a new target presents itself and I begin my work to consider moving to the seduction of this target. I am filled with hope, I am filled with optimism that this time, just for once, you will keep on doing what I need and you will not let me down. No matter how many times this has happened in the past. No matter how many times I have been betrayed and hurt by the treasonable conduct of those who said, so many times, that they loved me and they always would, I have always continued to believe in the power and capacity that the next target may just be the one. I am not a bad person for believing in that way am I? I just want to find the right one for me. Just like you do.

You want to find the person that you will love for the rest of your life, I want to find the person whose fuel I will love for the rest of my life. Surely you can understand and appreciate that? Surely you must accept that such a notion is noble? Surely you understand why I always think that you might be the one. This time.

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67 thoughts on “This Time More Than Any Other Time”

  1. The human magnet syndrome !!’ The perfect dance!!!
    The codependant lives through the satisfaction the N shows in receiving fuel. Its engrained. This is why some call it addiction. But its not when there is no devaluation. Its for sure not an addiction!! Its an own way of loving! A very rewarding one.
    Surely I accept that such a
    I dream about a sustainable perfect dance!! It should be possile!! If dancing is so rewarding!!!
    HG maybe you and me can develop a way that this is possible? Is it utopia??
    The perfect provision of fuel without devaluation?? ❤️❤️❤️
    Writting my message, took me long because I was making my thoughts..
    I put my brain in analytical mode.. Breaking the pieces apart and see how each one works individuallly and then how they work together.
    I came up with a first thought.
    If the person who provides fuel is seen like an appliance in principle. And if the weakest link is because the appliance sometimes fails to provide this fuel. This will come because real machines and real appliances do fail to provide their output sometimes. They need mantainance, calibration, etc etc and this is only that they can continue providing output at a 100% .
    We could eventually start by finding out how the dancers deal with this? If there is ever a way to deal with this?
    I am pretty sure there is… It just has to be discussed.
    Its my everyday. I have some machines working for me the whole day and I need a certain output at the end of the month and this is not discussable. Because as I said the machines sometimes have to be stopped.
    With careful planning and discussions this can be achieved!!!
    Fuel interruption and same output at the end!!difference is that I dont devalue my operators if they dont 😂😂😂
    Surely I do accept that such a notion is noble.. It has just to be sorted out.
    Like everything in life, like every relationship!
    Have a nice easter HG!!! Send you a big kiss 💋💋. Easter kiss!!!

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    1. But as H.G. has said the greater, more potent fuel comes from devaluation, discard and then the grand Hoover if the victim submits to going back. They are not interested in sorting it out. They do not have the ability to compromise. So yes, a Co-dependent can feel very rewarded providing support / fuel but law of diminishing returns kicks in and it’s not enough. Then it turns into trauma bonding with an addiction developing out of being in a constant state of flight or fight (or even fright).
      The ex girlfriends like Karen, Caroline, Alex, Lesley, and others written in his books were probably a lot like us and it wasn’t enough. I don’t think blowing kiss emoticons will sway his mind.

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      1. keine ahnung Clarence!! No idea what can happen. I have also read about all this girls..
        Ive also gone through those devaluation cycles… 😢
        i know its difficult very difficult… But I like to blow kisses!!! Here one for you 😘

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  2. Wow! I was reading this thinking this is why so many hang on with hope that the relationship can change or if they are new to the relationship they can be that special, different one that goes the distance with you. But then BAM, last paragraph when you say you “want to find the person whose fuel you’ll love for the rest of your life.” Objectifying again, right from the onset. If you say you actually feel hope (when you typically only feel hate, envy etc) you have to see a real person with real feelings. Not just a vat full of fuel.
    On a side note, are you familiar with Shel Silverstein’s “The Giving Tree”? It is one of my daughter’s favorite childhood books. I’ve read it to her countless times, and it just hit me, that really is a story of a full blown Narcissist (the boy) who has taken, beat down and worn out down to a stump someone who unconditionally loved him. I don’t know if I can ever look at that story the same way again.

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  3. We don’t choose to change HG . Ns & Ns alone are responsible for that. No one to blame accept yourselves.
    In the end we are that very same person you wished would be the one , emotionally damaged but still capable of loving someone who appreciates it rather than abuses it .

    It’s a dark place Ns put us in , but when we emerge we will shine so much brighter .

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  4. i try not to lower my quality of fuel and if this ever happens you try and let me know without devaluation!!! Lets test our theory!!!
    And if we fail we test again!! 😘

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  5. N’s and co dependents have some similar traits, they both come from the same background however the codependent learnt from a young age to please in order to cope, they learnt how to be the trophy child though at the cost of pleasing, the N however didn’t gain enough knowledge to do this and therefore they were subjected to a more difficult childhood. Both suffered as their childhood emotional needs were not met by their parents.Neither have an inner self. Both N’s and co d’s need each other, they both crave for the perfect partner, they both feel let down, the co D feels let down when the triangulation begins,they feel their people pleasing wasn’t enough, therefore they need to move on and search for the next person who they hope will be the ‘one’. Just as you top up with fuel in your way HG, the co D tops us fuel too by people pleasing.Co D’s also have the ’empty feeling’ (which you describe as the creature inside) if they fail to top up. If both understood each other they would infact be able to live harmoniously together. Though many co D’s seek help as your sister did and learn to create with help a ‘self’.

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  6. HG
    I am impressed!!
    Not read the article yet but the title!!
    What was it? I bet you know.
    England World Cup song?
    I know that you know, your football.
    Thought it was 1970 but that was “Back Home”
    Or is it just a quirky coincidence on your part.
    Nothing to do with narcissism but great fun all the same!!

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      1. That’s it.
        Thanks.
        Keegan and Brooking.
        They were going to win it for the country. Haha.
        Same as it ever was.
        Brilliant.
        Oh and very poignant lyricism HG.
        I am impressed.

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  7. Hello from Germany! This is my first post.

    Why can’t we sustain max. fuel? Seduction may summon infatuation. It’s easy to confuse it with love, especially when dealing with childhood issues and expecting the other to fix it. Well, you won’t. And we won’t fix yours by sustaining a high level of fuel. Eventually you get bored with us. The grass is always greener on the other side, isnt’t it? When we’re left with abuse and drama, we neurotically keep searching for answers and start behaving like Pavlov’s dog on crack, greedily waiting for your bone while you’re already sucking fresh fuel elsewhere in a neverending quest to avoid your own demons. This pas de deux is bound to fail. We fail each other. We fail ourselves.

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    1. Guten Abend hell0word 🙂
      Ich bin vollkommen einverstanden.
      Vielen Dank für Ihre Gedanken
      Herzliche Grüße
      You will learn a lot from H G, and his writing is very enjoyable also, but judging by your input I’d dare say you have been doing your research already!

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      1. Hallo Crystal Enpath,

        Ihr Deutsch ist exzellent! Danke für Ihr Feedback! 😊

        I’ve read Sam Vaknin for a more scientific view on the subject. HG says it as it is, in a beautifully brutal way. Very enjoyable indeed.

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      2. Sam Vaknin is a great source. Less enjoyable to read, but invaluable in any case.
        Re: HG…That he does! He is a gift of sorts; that’s for sure 😊

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      3. I can barely sit thru 10 minutes of Sam Vaknin on YouTube. Wish I could to see what he has to offer but can’t get past the monotone voice. Imagine how good H.G. would be on video if his blogs and books are this good…

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      4. Hey Mlaclarence,
        Spartanlifecoach is most entertaining and helpful too. Not a narc himself, but dealt personally with them himself throughout his life and cptsd and studies psychology and is a life coach so deals with victims/survivors on a daily basis and mixes with alot of the specialists in the field (sam vaknin, ross rosenberg etc) and is always updating his knowledge and understanding. He also does google hang outs on particular topic on the subject matter. Perhaps he would do well to contact HG!
        Sometimes I dont feel like reading or interacting with others and for example, if I’m on a long drive somewhere, I put youtube on to itilize my time; effort free.
        I hope HG does start up his youtube channels of sorts too. Would be interesting I presume.

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      5. Hello Crystal! I have watched a few videos of Spartan Life Coach. Yes, I agree he is interesting and informative and at least a personality worthy of being in front of a camera. I swear, if I ever got set up on a blind date with Sam Vaknin, I probably wouldn’t make it to appetizers before ending the date saying, “let’s not waste each other’s time. Life’s just too short.” Lol

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      6. Lol. I once watched a documentary called “I, psychopath” and then read his book “Malignant Self Love”. When it comes to youtube, I can recommend Richard Grannon, he’s fun. If I can’t sleep I might try one of Vaknin’s videos. 😬

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      7. Mlaclarece…sam vaknin has a massive very technical, psychological book. All great knowledge on lots of psychological disorders etc. Similar in ways to DSM5 (The new edition of Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders DSM-5 ®) but it wouldnt be anywhere in the same league due to its clinical nature or with any kind of enjoyable writing skill such as HG’s books contain.

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      8. Awww thanks for the recommendation. H.G. has made it so I could actually apply slice of life interactions making it so much more relatable and easy to understand. Whenever I read clinical books / articles, I still walked away thinking “am I still the crazy one? Am I overreacting? Am I hyper-sensitive? Maybe he isn’t so bad”. Then I read H.G. and instant reaction was ” nailed it” feeling so relieved. Now I know I’m just damaged but at least I’m not crazy. Lol

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  8. Good evening H G 🙂
    Thank you, as always, for your posts.

    I too believe we fail each other in so many ways. (N’s and Co dependents I particularly refer to) Empaths give and support until they truly realize the futility and connect with the self love they have to honour themselves and so, ultimately break free of the toxicity of these types of relationships.
    Co dependents lack this ability and simply strive harder to “people please” and blame themselves. They take on all the guilt that is given to them and alot more that comes from within.
    I, too, question an N’s genuine wish for it to be smooth sailing and for positive fuel to be, the be all of a mutually beneficial partnership; a so called loving, intimate union. To maintain the precious positive passion (an eternal golden period, so to speak…there is no such thing in real life. Yet nor should there be such dysfunctional dance routines occurring either) I think there is a form of genuine passion that occurs between many N’s and co dependents and it does strive to serve their needs in many ways for they have not really ever known “positive love/support” in such a way before indeed. N’s truly leave an impact on us, and I guess, so do we in return.
    This post didn’t sit right with me and most others usually do. I found that as MlaClarece referred to, you have mentioned your best source of fuel being ” the greater, more potent fuel comes from devaluation, discard and then the grand Hoover if the victim submits to going back.” I dare say that this post H G may have been more believable if referred to the lesser intelligent of your kind and perhaps even before your first devaluation and hoover experience. I just doubt that after all of these experiences that you have under your belt, so to speak, that this would be the case. Not offence intended; just my humble opinion.
    I felt like it was another “story” that I was being told in order for me to feel guilty, unworthy, lacking or simply at fault. Like a damn good hoover or early days confession of sorts, actually. I dare say, it is probably the co dependent in me (and an ever changing one due to your writings resonating with me so often, as little else had) that I now see things in a different light and question the logic, genuine intentions and mostly the actual reasons as to why I respond as I do to anyone these days; most of all to those that are selling me any kind of fairytale, even such as the above post that I should settle for a happy day to day life with someone I love; knowing that they can never love me…just what I can give them. (I actually wouldn’t have even heard that bit years ago) It feels like its the best kind of offer I can hope for…….to fulfil another’s needs, in order to obtain the façade (although be it seemingly genuine) of a life/love that I seek. I dare say, I would have believed this before I “met” you H G. Now, I can’t seem to quite grasp the concept that I actually want more…for me. I want real love, not just the bells and whistles that betray its true absence. I am beginning to see that I am not yet able to put this into actual practice in my current worldly situation, but I am eternally grateful to you, for showing me a world through different eyes, that has in effect opened mine to that which I truly need and want, and what is more so correct, is the fact that I am starting to establish some dreams that do not include seeking such love, approval or the need to help others. I’m feeling that I don’t need to fix others. Of course, my natural and first thought is to do so, but you have taught me to question my reasoning to need approval and love of others. My need to “fix” and love others. I now know. I do want a love that puts me first. And that I have to look to myself for that. Such an arrangement would never do. Not thanks to the insights you have shown that are available to me.
    In gratitude,
    Crystal

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    1. Thank you for your observations and comments Crystal, they made interesting reading and as always I welcome debate and observation as it is interesting to learn about your perspectives as well, after all, I learn from you in order to further my own aims as I have written before in terms of our power of mirroring. The hoover fuel is indeed powerful and this arises because the primary source (which once supplied should wonderful positive fuel) has let us down. The sensation arising from having bested someone who let us down makes it all the more potent. It follows therefore that if we are never let down, we need not best that person and have no need of the sweetness of the hoover fuel because the ongoing positive fuel hits the spot. It is evident form what you have written that you have a better understanding of your own needs and intentions and if this has in part been as a consequence of showing you a different perspective then it is a win all round. It is interesting that you remark that you require a love that puts you first and of course that is what we do when we first ensnare you, thus tapping into the thing that you want, but that desire not contrasts with your previous stance of putting the other person before your own needs. It would seem that some of my cynicism has rubbed off! Thanks again for commenting.

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      1. Hi HG,
        Unfortunately, I cannot divulge my personal reasons as to why I take the stance I had. I simply believe I want more than “fake love”. I need this in order to survive, no, I wish to thrive. Perhaps, if such an equation existed with an entirely different person (of no history) it may be possible…I fear not for me though. I love him with everything I have ever known as love. Since I was 14 yrs old, in fact. The issue stands that I do know the truth, and have seen the demon, that I doubt things could ever go back to the golden period. Some things just can’t be unseen once they are seen, nor unheard once they are heard and for empaths, unfelt when they have been felt; especially long term. I know him better than I know myself. For me to start truly knowing and honouring myself, one of us has to start truly loving me. I know it can only be me that heals myself. This is what I refer to.
        I could care for him forever. And love doing so. I’m just incapable of giving him what he needs forever. He has never believed this to be so; although I beg to differ. Even an oil well has to dry up sometime…I just think I’m empty…too many years of being depleted of my worth by him, and so many others that are just like him.
        My son taught me to receive love…Unconditional love. That is the love I seek. I will never stop loving him. I just have to provide the same love to myself and not allow others to harm me. My spirit is broken. This is why I need to put me first.

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      2. I can sense the emotion in your post from all the way over here. Eloquently put. I can see why you were such a prized target but it appears that is no longer the case.

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      3. I could write a “best seller” about my complicated, convoluted life to date, often filled with drama from additional N’s. At times, it is even fairytale like to me. Or should I say would better current scripts on drama tv etc.
        I’m still here…what’s left of me…lessening my helping of others, above and beyond the call of duty (which is standardly quite a tall order in any case from such individuals)
        Since finding your blog last year and researching and reading my chaos has become somewhat clearer…My heart much heavier. I am “still the only person he has ever loved” and, although, he has been loved by many, has never found another me and never,ever wants to have to. (We were apart for 10 years)

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  9. I’ve just been reading Fuel.
    Purely sadness at my resonation of its truth so far. I could quote many sections that I have read, but as you wrote it HG and more than that, live it, I would say the effort would be mute. Other bloggers can purchase it for its insights. I stand by my prior post (yet to be moderated) more than ever. I’ll continue reading and perhaps gain further strength to undo my lifelong conditioning. I guess its why your work…prior to this post (well, simply not in its entirety) resonated with me as gospel. I have lived and still live it in various ways. I guess it all truly does depend on the level of skill each narcissist has and so the effect they have on others..their believability overall, in every stage of the games they know as life. I guess we all accept whatever lies, even of self that we do in order to hold on to any “illusion” we fear losing. Whether the illusion is about others or ourselves.
    I, again, thank you HG for sharing your world so intimately; whatever the reason. It is a lesson to read your books/blog and interact with your blog each time I do.
    Your knowledge stays with me, as if carved into my soul, whenever I am faced with the interactions of others. You have become an altered conscience sitting on my shoulder. I’m sure this was never your intention, as I am of no consequence to you, it has in any case altered my world and what’s more is the logic I seek in an eternal world of irrational reaction seeking behaviour of lies and manipulations that I am beginning to be able to see for what they are. I am also able to hold no malice towards others for inflicting this on me as it is not of their intent to do anything other than “feed” themselves and I know I can never do so in a way that will bring me true happiness. It is a way that is “comfortable” as it is common place in my world, but not devoid of the fault being mine. Yes, i was fooled, since I can remember into this way of life. Now I know better, its is entirely my choice whom my dance partners in life are. So, no more blaming N’s for who they need to be and so are. If I do not like a situation or a situationship I am in, I must change ME as your teachings show, a narcissist can never be changed unless it is for a time, by their own design..

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      1. Hi Alexis, I wrote a post quite a while before this one on my initial thoughts, as i had mixed feelings when I read this post. It hasn’t been posted though. Perhaps I was too “something”. I just vent and write. Curse of a co dependent empath perhaps?! Nevermind, I guess I only need to sort it out in my own head and heart. My intention when communicating is never malevolent.
        I hope you enjoy your time of day. It’s way past my supposed bed time. So I will bid you good night ❤

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      2. CE I’ve a few posts still in moderation which I would like to comment on but chasing fuel has prevented from doing so. It will appear once I’ve dealt with it!

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      3. You’re response made me giggle. (Is that warped? A rhetorical question…perhaps for me to ponder) All good HG. 😊 Tend to whatever drives you. Gnite 👍

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      4. Ok, Lady Killer! I think I have a couple I haven’t seen up as well. You get a free pass this time.

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      5. It’s good to let it all out crystal don’t worry about whether HG has permitted it or not. That’s all part of his game 😉

        Love you HG x

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      1. Shaving is an important ritual, the need for a delay between awakening and shaving, the lathering and application of the cream, the strop of the razor (always cut-throat) and the rinsing thereafter before moving on to the skin routine.

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  10. You make me cry HG. If only you could feel love. If only my N could truly feel my love. It is a tragedy that an N can never feel and experience love. Can you ever be healed? Who and what exactly did this to you? I want to beat them up! I know that is what you are counting on now as an N. Haha. But tell me where it started. Tears….. My N goes into punishment mode if I don’t answer the phone. I was just outside walking the dog, But called back within a minute or two and no answer. Called again no answer. Third time answered and he says how does that feel??? I was tripping. Why does something like that become so detrimental to the N?? Why does he not feel secure? How can I EVER make him feel secure? How can I ever get him to TRULY feel love without the need for fuel? Is there EVER a way? What would you require to feel love and security and put an end to YOUR madness?

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  11. HG Can an N cry REAL tears (meaning sobbing and actual tears coming down his face) to the empath during a Grand Hoover? Are they tears for himself or is it real remorse? Can a Lesser be healed through therapy and experience true love without abusing the empath since he knows not what he does and why?

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  12. My second (current) narc-husband was honest with me from the beginning. He needn’t do this, because I saw clearly who he was. But he chose to put all his cards on the table.

    He explained exactly who he was (and his own value system), what he wanted, needed and expected from me. He explained also what I would get from him in exchange precisely. I knew that I was able to cover all his requirements without disturbing my personal comfort zone and what he was ready to give me in exchange was enough for me also. No more, no less.

    We “signed” our contract in this “romantic” way and we’ve never regretted it. We live together for 13 years and when we hear from various people “Amazing, how madly you are in love with each other! You are like a newly wedded couple”, we know the truth. We aren’t in love with each other. Once upon a time, we just recognized that we fit to each other perfectly, because we both were brutally honest with each other.

    What starts right, goes right.

    P.S. Many of people believe that Narcs can change or transform into “productive empaths”. No. They can’t.

    But they can cease their internal pain and heal their childhood trauma living with empaths, learning from them, obtaining some sort of serenity and peace from them. Narcs become more calm and peacful, less envious and jealous. Less furious. They start to produce more their own energy and its loss considerably decreases. Leopard remains, but its spots are changed.

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    1. Thank you for sharing your story. It is amazing what the right amount of honesty and communication can produce. Understanding is key. I think it helped tremendously that you both are very self-aware of what you can give and what you cannot give and create the agreement from that to operate from. It sounds like he does not or is not malicious towards you if he has that tendency.
      Very interesting for sure!

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  13. Clarece,
    I read your interesting comments on this blog and I see that you are really trying to understand the phenomenon of narcissism and you do the right steps to heal yourself. That’s why I want to spend the rest of this night writting my answer to you. I like you.

    I’ll give you more details about my husband and me.

    My husband is an interesting man.
    What I admire in him the most is his honesty and internal strength to be himself not only with me, but with others too.

    He never plays “good and pleasant guy” game to earn the admiration. On the contrary, people often become uncomfortable in his presence, because he intentionally shows some pieces of his “true-self” and lets them know that he isn’t a “lap dog”. When I sit and talk and laugh with my colleagues or friends and he suddenly comes in, all conversations and laughs subside. People can’t stand his cold, piercing and unsmiling wolfish eyes.

    At the same time, people are in awe with him. Men know that they can rely on him and he’ll never betray their trust. Women are attracted by his noble beauty and good manners. He takes all compliments with regal nod and reluctant smile. But again, he lets them know that he isn’t not interested in them at all.

    He treats people calmly, coldly. He never rises his voice no matter what. He can say everything saying nothing. Those people who try to win his attention in annoying way, get the silent but very distinctive expression of contempt from him. He isn’t friendly and he thinks that people aren’t “worth to spend my energy on them.” He behaves in such way not because he wants intentionally to hurt people, but because he doesn’t want to get them closer to him. He protects his boundaries.

    He is a master of “invisible intellectual manipulations” and he uses them constantly and successfully. People are absolutely unaware of what is going on and why. He never forgives and forgets offences. His revenge isn’t open and aggressive, but it is calculative, cold and humiliating. He knows how to wait. Patience is his virtue.

    Empathy is the absolutely unknown territory for him and wnen I act in such way, it fascinates him. He often asks “How does it feel?”

    People think I live with a cold, soulless monster. He never shows to people what he shows to me. They would be shocked to discover, that this “monster” are soft, tender, caring, kind, playful, laughing and vulnerable man! Sometimes, I want to tell them the truth, but I have to keep his secrets. It is a rule.

    He shows his affection to me openly even in public, using caring gestures and tender glances. His eyes are constantly “watching over me” even if he is in the middle of conversation with other people. People find it “amazing”, but they reached the conclusion that “even monsters can love somehow”. Women also try to find out “what he found in such plain woman” and why he doesn’t interested in them.

    My own achievements make him proud of me. He likes to tell people about them. He has never been cruel to me. Neither physically, nor psychically.

    He even lets me to critisise him! He is a history scientist and he writes a lot. I’m the first who reads and edits his texts, and corrects mistakes. When I sit and read his writtings, he sits across me and reads my facial expression. When I finish reading, he always turns his wolfish (but smiling) stare “on” and says “Don’t dare tell me you don’t like something there”. I always answer with wicked smile “Oh, it is perfect!”. And after a long and meaningful pause he says “Well, ok, tell me what is really wrong there”… He listens to my critic opinions with silent fury and great dignity. He always argues with me after my “epic speech”, but it is absolutely constructive and productive conversation. He changes his texts after that, but he does it in such manner, as if it was he, not me, who’s discovered all imperfections. But I don’t mind at all.

    My life is absolutely peacful and comfortable with him. I trust him. He trusts me. We found our harmony.

    But don’t take me wrong, Clarece. My story isn’t not so simple and I doubt it will be applicable to other people.

    I’m not a classic Empath. Many many years ago I learned that love is a pain. Overwhelming pain. I’ve always been in touch with me and I can “work” with myself easily. I consciously eradicated the ability to love. Later, I eradicated the jealous and envy, because they were painful feelings too. I have empathy, warmth and kindness instead.

    I feel the people’s pain, I have a desire to help, to heal, to fix them and I do it (not compulsively and not to everyone, for those who really want to fix the problem, not just to sit and cry doing nothing). I can feel some form of affection for people, but it isn’t a love.

    If you ask me:
    “Do you love your husband?”, my answer will be “No”.

    “Do you care about him?”. “Yes”.

    “If he leaves you, what would you feel? Are you afraid of it?”. “Sadness for a while. Then I’ll forget about him. And no, I’m not afraid of it”.

    I know who I am exactly, Clarece. I don’t need to be loved and nursed. I don’t need to be admired. I attract people, they like me, they like to give me compliments. But I really don’t need any of it. Perhaps, such qualities permit me to live and interact with Narcs (family members, both husbands, friends) without any harm. Yes, they are very toxic and addictive people, but not for me.

    I’ve found this blog accidentially. I like to read the “Quora” app and I accidentially tapped the cross link on it and that link directed me to this blog. I didn’t expect that I find this blog so interesting and informative. Tudor is doing something unbelievable here. This blog is unique. People are sharing their painful stories and trying to get answers. I read their stories, I feel their pain, but I see that my story is absolutely different. I don’t have all those problems, because my relationship’s dynamic is different. That’s why I doubt that my story will be helpful to you and others. You all are the True Empaths. You all can love. I can’t.

    I wish you strength to finish your healing journey successfuly, Clarece. You can do it by all means. You have all required qualities for that. Good night for you and good morning for me. Hug.

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    1. Hello Noname!!
      I will most definitely take those hugs. Thank you so much for your interest in me and sharing your story on your relationship. It reminds me of the scene from one of my favorite movies, “Goodwill Hunting” when Sean tells Will that it’s not a matter of finding the perfect person but the person that you fit perfectly with. (or along those lines).
      I find that truly remarkable how self-aware you both are in knowing your limitations on what you can give but also what you offer each other so that it is a caring, fulfilling relationship. That is a beautiful thing right there. A real life Beauty and the Beast story with a realistic ending.
      It sounds as though your partner can have a malicious streak as you say he is capable of cold, calculating and humiliating revenge, however he never does display that side to you. So would you say you feel that it is an even keel and not a see saw experience where you are always tipping more to accommodate his needs? I’m curious too, when you say you learned to eradicate envy and jealousy, is that because there is the side he may seek fuel from other sources when needed and you choose to look away because you know he’ll always return? Or is he faithful to only you?
      I think my journey has a ways to go yet, but I like the path I’m on now for sure!!
      Do continue to write in and contribute. I’ll watch for your posts! Hugs back to you!

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  14. Thank you for your answer, Clarece.

    You made me laugh mentioning the “Beauty and Beast” story. I’m definitely not a Beauty, and he definitely not a Beast. We just two weirdos!

    About his possible revenge…
    I understand all risks living with Narcs. If I decide to leave him, I know that he’ll never forgive me that. Never. Ever. I also know what to expect in this case. But I’m not afraid of his possible revenge. I’m not that person and he knows it. Moreover, he treats me like a precious porcelain vase, so I have no reasons even to contemplate my departure.

    About jealousy and envy…
    I got rid of those unpleasant emotions when I was 17. It has nothing to do with him. My mother always compared me with other kids and told me how good they were and how bad I was. It was pretty painful to hear it. Finally, I realized that I need to get rid of those emotions to save my internal world. And I did it. It wasn’t easy, but it was worth it.

    About faithfulness…
    Yes, my husband is faithful only to me. But when we discussed our “contract” I told him that if he needs it, he has to do it graciously and respectfully for my, his and possible kids’ sake. No noise. No gossips. Women like him, they try to win his attention. It seems, that they find it pretty challenging to “tame” this unapproachable man. But he’s never showed any interest in them. Once he said “I’m too occupied not to lose you”.

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  15. Hello Noname!
    I hope you know I didn’t really mean to refer to him as a “Beast”. I meant it figuratively. lol
    Thanks for the clarification on the point in your life to purge jealousy and envy. For the most part, I don’t waste a lot of energy on either of those. There will always be someone who comes along smarter, prettier, faster, more ambitious. I am not going to constantly watch over my shoulder fearing that person to come along.
    I really like that quote from your husband, “I’m too occupied not to lose you.”
    No matter how you break it down between the two of you, there just seems to be this peaceful co-existence and respect and deep caring that is worthy of holding on to and staying attached to.
    Have you ever heard of the poem, “All I Really Need To Know
    I Learned In Kindergarten”, by Robert Fulghum?
    The last line is “And it is still true, no matter how old you
    are – when you go out into the world, it is best
    to hold hands and stick together.” I believe you found that with your husband and that is a truly sacred thing right there.
    It can really be that simple, but people complicate everything.

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  16. Hello Clarece,
    No offense taken about the “Beast” at all. It just made me laugh in a good way for a moment. Thank you for that.

    But, the mention of the “Beauty and Beast” story forced me to contemplate how many women really believe in it, and, especially, how many of them got hurt because of it.

    My story has the happy end, but I started to think, that sharing it to people, confirming that impossible is possible, I give the false hope, some sort of inspiration to believe that they can fix and heal their “beasts” and live with them happily after that. I don’t want to cause more harm to people, because they’ve got a lot of it already.

    I don’t afraid to be the “devil’s advocate” and tell people that Narcs aren’t the evil at all. They just need the special approach, but it isn’t what the people need to hear here also.

    People try to find the help here, answers, closure. Many of them are having the silent treatment, discard periods now. Everything they just need to understand and accept, that this is the end of their story, real end, finish. Their Narcs think that they are betrayed by them, and knowing their inability to forgive, it is nothing you can do to get their forgiveness and get them back. Narcs never give second chances and their consequent “hoovers” mean nothing, because in their heads your story is finished already. So, I’m afraid that telling my own story, I can give the false “direction” to people and, by accident, prolong their misery. I don’t want it.

    So, I don’t fit here.

    Robert Fulghum…
    No, I’ve never heard that name, but I’ll look close to his poem. It sounds interesting. I’m in the process of studying English (my native is Russian), so it will be useful for me in this perspective also! Thank you very much, Clarece!

    Have a good day!

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