Bridging the Gap

 

 

 

It is hard to resist that temptation to reach out to us isn’t it? No matter how great your resolve, how entrenched you are in your position of maintaining no contact and staying away from us, there always remains that desire to contact us. This is of course something that we designed, a pre-meditated device that was organised to ensure that we flared into your mind repeatedly. This is the effect of ever presence. That additional manipulative good bye we leave you with. Whether we cast you aside or whether you made the bold decision to exorcise us from your life, the effect of this ever presence is difficult to control. The various sounds, tastes, images and scents that immediately bring about a memory of us – invariably a pleasant and happy one as well – have all been placed throughout your life and daily routine so that you are unable to play a certain piece of music, eat a certain meal, go to a certain place or even look upon certain view without that crystal clear memory forming in your mind of that wonderful and exciting time we had together during the golden period. These memories evoke powerful and strong emotions, both good and bad and that is entirely the intention. The effect of ever presence makes you think about us. Most people are creatures of emotion and the nature of our victims, being empathic individuals, means that you are possessed of greater emotion than others. Once again, this was deliberate. Being governed by emotion means that rather than instantly dispel the thought of us, you allow the memory to form and bloom as you savour its effect again. You can hear our voices as we reminded you how much we loved you. You know now that it was a false declaration but the emotion which courses through your body still causes a reaction inside of you and creates the idea that perhaps we still do love you. That might be the case might it? Thus an unanswered question forms in your mind.

A particular song may play on the radio. You sensibly took the step of deleting all those play lists that we created for you from iTunes so that you would not be tempted to wallow as those memorable songs played again. Notwithstanding this purge you cannot legislate for what is played on the radio and your hand reaches for the off switch but you cannot remove the song as the first few chords are played and you are instantly reminded of how we played that song as we led you by the hand into the bedroom, ready to make up after we had rowed and fought. When you heard that song you always regarded it as some kind of peace offering presented by us in order to resolve the conflict. You did not realise that we did this as a means of manipulating your emotions to draw further fuel from you, but we were content to allow you to interpret it the way you wanted. All we required was your emotional response. As you listen to the song, stood in your living room, your eyes drift to the chair where we would always sit as we watched television or read a book. You cannot help but wonder, yet again, where it went wrong? Why did we treat you as we did? Another unanswered question forms in your mind.

It may even be the case that you are checking through your finances and as you scrutinise your bank statements for signs of unusual activity, your eyes fall on that monthly direct debit or standing order that we created when we established a liability in your name. You are stuck with this liability, even though we have long since gone. The cost causes you problems and only goes to exacerbate the other financial problems we left you with. You know you should throw the thought from your mind but it is so hard. The logic tries to tell you to put it to one side, to kill the thought and bury it dead, but the rising emotion will not allow you to do so. The anger rises and you scrunch up the bank statement, your hands shaking with the rage at how we hurt you, how we took your trust and abused it, how you gave us everything, absolutely everything in your pursuit of this supposed perfect love and instead we tore it asunder, we trampled on it, we betrayed it and we threw it back in your face. How dare we take your love and treat this way? Who do we think we are? You want to set us straight and tell us some home truths. There is unfinished business to attend to.

This is how it operates. We want to keep you thinking about us, we want you to contact us or we want you to be susceptible to our contacting you at some point, whether it is a week or a decade later. To achieve this, we create the ever presence so you are reminded of us. To achieve this, we create a situation where you have a need to contact us. You want to ask us why we treated you this way, you want to know whether we did really love you or not, we want to know if you are happy with the new person we have on our arm and what have they got that we have not? You want the opportunity to launch into a tirade and give us a piece of your mind. There are unanswered questions and unfinished business and this makes it so hard for you to resist. You know that you should not engage with us but you want to find out why we did as we did because we just vanished and left you wondering and pondering. You want to understand why we treated you so badly when all you ever did was love us, because, in your world, that makes no sense. These two elements; the ever presence and the unfinished business results in the temptation to reach out to us being very difficult to resist.

If you know where we are, if you hear that we are back in town, if you know there is an upcoming event that we will attend where you will also be there, the desire and the need to contact us again looms large. You promise yourself that you will keep your cool, you swear that you will just ask the questions and get the answers (although of course you will not – we will not give them you as we want to keep that carrot dangling), you pledge that you will not fall prey to our charm. These good intentions will invariably falter because as you reach out to us, hoping to address these pieces of unfinished business, you are allowing us to train our sights on you once again, reach into our bag of charms and look to pull you back into our world once again. You may think that once bitten twice shy, but our bite is both delicious and deadly and through these manipulations we always look to have you wanting more. There may a gap between you and us, but there is always the option to bridge that gap and resume our entanglement once again.

 

 

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91 thoughts on “Bridging the Gap”

  1. i have managed NC for almost 3 years but still remember him daily. I have zero willingness to reach out and contact him…the last times I did were rife with the mind fuckery you describe in this post…deliberate vagueness and carrot dangling…it felt like he had taken a cheese grater to my heart.

    Betrayal is one of the worst things a man can do to a woman. Emotional rape is devastating. The bridge between my heart and my head was burned long ago. My rational brain …aided by time and therapy and HG Tudor’s brutal reminders that I was nothing but an appliances, keep me sober and resolved to never pick up that phone or type his email address ever again.

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    1. Mind fuckery is the perfect definition of what I felt… I can smile now at those words, but it has been a long, painful struggle… I do think of him sometimes,and the memories of the golden period, do creep into my mind, but they are being replaced with authentic beauty and truth…

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  2. And that’s why we must all burn the bridge. Mine can see me in another field enjoying luscious green grass but I hear his ‘trip trap’ which doesn’t scare me because he can’t get across the burned bridge. I smile sweetly and wave as he looks on.

    He tries to charm me over to his side. But I would never forget how he made me feel and I’ve no intention of going back for more.

    I dangle my charm back at him and he wants it because he cannot understand my strength in resistance. He tries to repair it when he becomes bored of the grass which surrounds him; it’s not green anymore. And was never that appetising to begin with. But he had no choice to select a lower grade and artificial graSs.

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  3. HG how is my narc going to feel after he texts me and *messaged failed* calls and *this number is no longer in use*? (I haven’t had contact for nearly 3 months)
    🙂

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      1. Oooops defences drop… True that could be a weak point. Well stay strong. Have it clear in mind! I have no contact book!! 😃
        Tell me HG. you all believe you are for ever irresistible right? i think this might be his way of thinking…
        I like to proove people wrong 😝

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      2. I see.. I strongly believe he is the king in believing that.
        In general I feel absolutely no desire of contacting my ex. In fact he sent some pictires of him some two weeks ago, open shirt, bronze skin and the sexiest pose of all from an international whataspp and a message remember him?
        I answered yes that is my ex 😂😂.
        Except for once or twice that I passed by strong everprescence places because its only with places that it happened. He did drift quickly into my mind.. Else never ever… Ever
        To be honest I read so much in your books about somatic N that it got kind of …. Dont know what word to use… Repelent….

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    1. I think HG is most likely irresistible! His charm, intelligence, good manners, wit, great taste in music, great taste in everything!

      He’s definitely the textbook definition of what any American girl would consider a to be a keeper!

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  4. I have another question! Are narcissists ever jealous of their partners success or popularity?
    another one, how would a narcissist act if they found out they were cheated on?

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    1. Yes. The spotlight shifts from us to someone else and we do not like that. At first we do not have an issue with it because it allows us to purloin traits for ourselves and we also gain fuel through association with someone who is successful and popular, but once devaluation begins your hogging of the attention spotlight creates jealousy, envy and hatred. In answer to the second question, furious. You are telling us we are not good enough. This is criticism. Our fury is ignited. We will lash out and use the infidelity against you.

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  5. I suspect my narc was jealous of the relationship between me and my best friend. I don’t think he was as loved as me. In fact, when we would go out drinking/dancing people found him irritating. Whilst I was “adorable” and “beautiful” 😛

    Purely hypothetical question since I have no idea who his new gf is, but if me and new gf had an affair, how would narc act? (LOL!)

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    1. On the basis that your narc had not arranged such a thing to happen, his initial reaction would be fury since you are criticising him and his new GF is criticising him through her infidelity but even worse with a cast-off namely you. In the unlikely event this happened to me, I would turn the tables and hoover you back in and devalue her, then vacillate between the two of you so I gain double fuel, keep you competing with one another and punishing you both for your treachery. If that could not be achieved and no fuel was forthcoming then having suffered an assault to a pillar, I would retreat and seek a new primary source. Keep me posted if you go through with this!

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  6. @HG in regards to caring…
    I don’t care for everyone!
    Knowing it’s upsetting him is what keeps me motivated to maintain no contact!
    Otherwise I would be responding to him, calling him the runt of the litter! (he has a large family)
    🙂

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  7. Good morning, Friends! HG is on point once again! 17 years passed between N1 and I and I still had questions….thanks to Facebook we got back into contact….He had moved to NYC to pursue an art degree 25 years ago…we were long distance (me in California) off and on for a few years before he just finally disappeared from my life. I was discarded 2 years after that when I wanted to visit NYC and look him up….he was very mean and refused to see me….I just figured he was serious with another girl and didn’t want any problems….well…he was in another relationship alright….he had moved in with someone and refused to discuss the matter with me….I found out through our mutual friends that his LOVER WAS A MAN?!!

    Ladies (and Gents), when HG says fuel is the rule he is right!!! His gay lover WORSHIPED the ground he walked on and was a great source for him in every way! N1 was a sexy, virile, heartbreaking, handsome ladies man throughout high school and afterwards. He had dated so many women in our youth……I was devastated!!!! I was the first woman he ever loved…and my friends and family insinuated that had I gave up my education in Los Angeles and moved to NYC with him in the beginning he would not have turned gay?!! I confronted him on this on the phone and we had words…..he turned it all around on me…blamed me for “not being in NYC” enough and he fell into this relationship. He said he didn’t see gender…like he didn’t see race….and I shouldn’t be all that mad about it because I had many gay friends….he tried to insinuate that I was a homophobe?! He never liked hanging out with my gay male friends…and now he was dating a man?! wth?! We didn’t speak again until 17 years later….

    I didn’t know he was an N….I still had questions for him. The man I fell in love with as a teenaged girl was the real him…this life he was now living for the past 20 years or so just has to be a “phase” right? He was a somatic….and our sex life had always been something I could NEVER forget…even after all of these years….I reached out….he answered. He sent me a ticket to NYC…I went. I stayed with friends in Manhattan….He sent a car for me to come for a studio visit at his art studio in Brooklyn…..we both still looked exactly the same…he complained that his lover wasn’t treating him right..and that he wasn’t even gay…he just fell into that lifestyle being an artist and all….and it didn’t hurt his career one bit living with another man…it actually helped….and he never forgot about “us”….and well…you know the rest.
    Nothing happened physically….he refused to cheat. That made me fall for him even harder….he HAD CHANGED!! He was now an honorable man, too!!! *smh*

    I returned to California a week later and was love bombed. Once he secured me as the replacement….he callously discarded his best friend and lover of 20 plus years over dinner. I didn’t feel bad because I felt that this person stole him from me all of those years ago….and he wasn’t really gay anyways…..and we should have married 20 years ago…and because of this man we did not….it was all his lovers fault…in my eyes. I was going to make arrangements to sell my home in CA…and we could marry by the end of 2012, I’d move to NYC…and have the life we should have had 20 years ago…..

    Well, things were good for about 5 months, but his need to control me was an issue…a BIG ISSUE….I ended things this time…but I still felt discarded because he was so cruel post breakup…. he refused to speak to me….we lost our friendship, too.

    He married on NYE 2012/13. He married a woman he dated in art school when he first moved to NYC (yes..while we were a couple-triangulation). You see…he also broke her heart all of those years ago when he turned “gay”. She lacked the confidence to steal him away and suffered as his friend all of those years….just waiting for him to be single again. She….like me….never stopped loving the man we thought he was……

    That relationship ALMOST destroyed me…..but I am a strong woman!! I recovered…but I wish it had never happened…..

    Let this be a lesson, Ladies…… resist that temptation to reach out!!!! NO CONTACT!! (So sorry this was so long…)

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    1. Thanks for posting that T, it reads like an exam question about narcissism there is so much there that highlights attitudes and behaviours of our kind. I did enjoy the line” he complained that his lover wasn’t treating him right..and that he wasn’t even gay…he just fell into that lifestyle being an artist and all….and it didn’t hurt his career one bit living with another man…it actually helped….and he never forgot about “us”.” So many red flags in that sentence alone. Very interesting.

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      1. ….and to this day, HG….I can not and will never see him as “gay”….I can only see the man I fell for as a young girl…..I can only see him the way I did when I fell in love with him…..

        …and I am fully aware of the reality of it all….*smh*…

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  8. Aaawww T, I was also “the first woman my narc was ever in love with” he told me he never loved his ex gf and was never sexually attracted to her.
    Now he’s probably saying the same thing about me to his new gf, minus the lack of attraction part, since I doubt he could get away with that. 😛

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    1. In fact I can just hear him now
      “she was only a pretty face, good for sex, but brought nothing to the relationship. Not like you darling, you tick all the boxes!”

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      1. OMG!!! I can so see N1 saying that about me to his wife…..trouble is that because she was his “friend”…he shared all of the details about our reunion with her while smearing his gay lover to her. He had to look like the “good guy” and he needed her to take his side…so, he sung my praises at first to her…..not realizing she never stopped loving him…that must have broke her heart…

        He told me he told her all about us….and how I hadn’t changed in all of those years…except for one thing…and that is what turned him on and intrigued him most about the 40 something me vs. the 20 something me….CONFIDENCE. He couldn’t believe I had so much of it as I walked into his studio knowing I could get him back. He told her he had to have me!! Funny thing is…my confidence was the FIRST thing he destroyed once we became a couple again…..

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    2. ….yes, D. They tell us what we want to hear…..*smh*
      N1 only had one bf/gf relationship in high school…it ended and because he was so popular with the girls….and he was somatic…he had many girlfriends at once when I met him. He did court me and laid it on thick for my family. We broke up when we both went away to study…but we wrote weekly and were off and on for years long distance.

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    1. N1 was a somatic…and looks were very important….but HG is right….Fuel is the deciding factor. N1’s wife is ok looking…but she’s a super empath!!! She will never question him–and she will not wear make up….she’ll put his needs first!!!

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  9. T, in the kindest way possible, us bisexuals exist 🙂 you don’t have to see him as “gay” because he isn’t.

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    1. ……D, I know bisexuals exist…I know a lot of them..I’ve dated a few as well and they were always up front with it….but I can only see him as the man he pretended to be when I met him….and pretend guy would have never been with another man….

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  10. HG!!

    I look forward to your daily postings and am in absolute awe every time I read them.
    I ended my one year relationship with my narc almost two months ago after the mind fuck games and his back and forth idealization/devaluation stages. I was exhausted and he knew it. I hated myself for how I was acting…I felt I had no dignity left. Period. He loved hearing me cry, he had me exactly where he wanted me. I became a former shell of myself. I had to get out and somehow mustered the strength to do so. My last conversation with him was basically telling him to go fuck himself. Most people who are on the receiving end of something like that would just simply…hang up the phone. Three hours later he FINALLY tells me after a year of being together he loves me, adores me, and still wants to be my friend….he’s not going anywhere and nothing has changed on his end.
    I tell him I want a relationship…not a friend and he was so upset that I didn’t want to remain friendly. He then says….’after everything we’ve been through together you can’t be friends with me? Your not the person I thought you were’.
    After three hours of confusion, I hung up completely exhausted, fell asleep and woke the next morning to realize I have been on a hamster wheel and needed to get off. NOW.
    The mind fuck games made me snap and I unleashed at him telling him what I thought of him, his life, his friends…the whole 9 yards.
    He then told me two things:
    Being angry is not productive
    And that he was done communicating with me.

    He blocked me from his phone. It’s been 47 days of absolute silence. No grand Hoover…only a polite email after a week of us ending so I could go retrieve my things.

    Where I am at right now is I a place of peace. That is now. At this moment. Last night I was scouring the Internet and books trying to make sense out of it all. Still.
    Then I ready his article and feel like he still has some power over me because I am still searching for answers, even though it’s not from his mouth.
    So this is my question HG.
    If the narc implements no contact against us (through cell phones)are they waiting for us to go banging on their door or to shoot them some sappy email telling them how sorry we are, and how horrible we treated them? If they love negative fuel how come they block us when we call them out on their shit?
    And what’s with the whole ‘let’ s be friends’ line? Is that a gran Hoover in itself after you try leaving them?

    In my minds eye since he has blocked me (thank god for small miracles) he won’t be back. He’s like a five year old child who has his hands over his ears….saying nah…nah nah…nah nah…..

    On that note I’m gonna go listen to The Smiths.
    Thanks HG for the insight..

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    1. Hello Artgirl, thanks for posting and for reading. We do not do no contact. We do a silent treatment and that is what you are getting. Yes, he expects you to go crawling to him, hammering on the door, repeatedly ringing and firing off the e-mails in order to harvest negative fuel from you. He does not regard your relationship as at an end. You may have decided it is over but he has not. Note your comment, “he was done communicating with me” – he foreshadowed your silent treatment. He will be gathering fuel elsewhere at present but he does not consider you and him to be over. He is waiting for you to go to him. If you do not he will appear at some point and act as if nothing has happened. There has been no hoover because the relationship is not over, you are just in a fairly long silent treatment. The “let’s be friends” line was to test what your reaction would be. If you baulked at that and got upset he gains fuel. If you agree he knows he has an easy conduit to hoovering you. As for listening to The Smiths well so much to choose, will it be “This Charming Man”, “Barbarism Begins At Home” or “Girlfriend in a Coma?”

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    2. Artgirl…..wow! I am so sorry you are going through this. I know that feeling of losing your dignity in situations with N’s. Normal guys exit your life leaving your dignity in tact. N’s NEVER DO!

      Your situations mirrors mine w N3 almost exactly. He broke up with me….gave a long silent treatment….asked to be friends….I said no..it would be too hard….he pushed and I agreed to it…(stupid). However, we didn’t speak for 2 weeks after that…he called and hung up…didn’t answer when I called him back. He had it to where I was chasing him to see why he was playing these childish phone games…..he’d deny it….and so forth…..

      Fast forward 2 months…I had two deaths in the family and contacted him to let him know (it was my dad and stepmom-he seemed to had liked them)….he then decided to pull a silent treatment. I thought it was a discard…but judging what HG has told you, I think he just wants me to burn up his phone and start chasing him again….I have not. I told him I was done with him via email on 1/6. I have been no contact since then. No grand hoover since then….so, HG….does this mean N3 does not consider us over? I certainly do….

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      1. Hey T!

        Thanks for replying.
        I broke up with my narc 47 days ago…I was on the phone with him for three hours mad one minute and sobbing the ex. I just came to my breaking point. I told him I was done…he agreed that he would never be the man I wanted or deserved. In the year we were together he never told me he loved me. At the end of our three hour conversation he then proceeded to say ‘ I know I have never been good at telling you how I feel, but I love you, adore you and I’m very proud of your accomplishments’. So as in breaking it off with him…he finally says the words I wanted to hear. Mind fuck trickery is all it was. Then he said ‘ at least we can stay friends right?’
        I said no…I want a relationship not a friendship. He then proceeded to tell me he was not the person he thought I was…

        More mind fuck trickery.

        I told him I no longer wanted to speak with him, I was emotionally drained. We hung up cordially (go figure) and when I awoke the next morning I realized what I had been subjected to and unleashed my fury on him through several texts telling him to go pound sand…and basically your a looser. After about an hour of my unleashing in him…he told me he was done communicating, enough was enough and blocked my on his cell phone.

        In my minds eye he’s GONE. He won’t be back. I have moved on, traveling and enjoying life. But I have also been reading everything I can get my hands on because I couldn’t wrap my brain around the fact that I put up with his bullshit for over a year.

        He did the same thing to me 6 months ago after I told him to stay away..blocking my texts and calls, until I finally caved and went looking for him 3 weeks later.

        Here’s the silent treatment once again. To me it feels like he’s initiating N/C but HG hit the nail on its head.

        This time again he’s waiting for me to seek him out through emails or other sources of social media, and apologize for ‘my wrongdoings’.

        47 days of silence from him is the best thing that’s happened to me in a year. I turned into a needy insecure person because of his constant gaslighting, his snard comments and his constant need to compete with me. No more.

        It’s time to start looking within myself to figure out why I stayed when I knew something was off. That’s where the work comes in.

        Time heals all wounds…and it’s the blogs like this and HG’s writing that are helping me through this. Some of his posts are a brutal read, but brilliant at the same time because it’s coming from the mouth of a narc himself.
        Hopefully my ex won’t have the balls to come back. If he does I hope my indifference will kill him…and at the same time I’m hoping I can be just that.

        Onwards and upwards!!

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      2. Artgirl….I had an off and on dating relationship with someone that sounds like your ex!!! His kids were his primary!! We never got serious because he would always be breaking dates with me to spend time with his kids!! lol! He’d been married several times and seemed to devalue his wives once they had his children….that’s all he wanted from them? He wouldn’t leave them…he’d just ignore them until they became shells of themselves….and they’d leave him…..this guy was HOT! He’d get so many women…..and he’d marry the prettiest ones….love them…but when the kids came along…he was done with the mom? His mother made up for his wive’s absence with childcare and such….

        My therapist said that his children were extensions of his own ego, and the world (his world) revolved around him and them. She said he was a covert misogynist, too….and really prefered to just “play” and humiliate women….

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  11. T, I believe my narc was a low key bisexual. He wouldn’t ever admit it. Especially as he had a religious family. The only thing worse than him dating a goy female would probably be him dating a man. I think his old arse parents would have a heartattack and die right on the spot! I believe there was shame there. I’ve felt shame also.

    You need to ask your self why you can’t accept, what you know about him now. Sorry if I sound rude, but I mean this with love, it really hurts me when I see beautiful intelligent women not helping themselves.
    He did have sex with a man, picture it in your mind’s eye, him doing a man, because he was doing it!…on the stairs, on the kitchen table, up against the wall. You have to accept this. You don’t have to forgive (that’s some Christian guilt trip. No offence if your Christian, my bad) but accept him for what he really is.

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    1. lol! D…I get it. Nothing ever turned him off sexually–NOTHING!….I should have seen it (perhaps I always did)…..Love is blind…..

      I am a Christian (no offense taken) and I do forgive him for everything….but I won’t forget it…and I won’t be ensnared by him ever again.

      He married his wife on New Year’s Eve of 2012 because we were supposed to be married by the end of that year. He posted it on a mutual friend’s Facebook so I would see….I don’t think he’ll ever forgive me for ending things this last time….in fact…he may think I only came back into his life for revenge in the first place…*smh*. He always ended things when we were back and forth in our youth….but how dare I do what’s best for me this last time…..

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  12. HG
    How about the Smiths song…How soon is now?
    *que music* oh shut your mouth how can you say…I go about things the wrong way…I am human and I need to be loved…just like everyone else does..

    Although girlfriend in a Coma sums it all up. It made me laugh.

    I appreciate your feedback, your articles are pure brilliance and have given me more insight on his behavior over every article I have read and books I have scoured over the past few months…just pure brilliance.

    So one more question for you…
    In the email we exchanged one week after I dumped him he told me he wished me nothing but happiness and was disappointed that he was losing the friendships of my family and friends…because he loved them. I guess he is upset because of the loss of fuel.
    He also told me he was moving on.
    After he blocked me the first thing I thought was…he had someone else.

    But this is the thing. I had access to his phone at all times..even his email and social media accounts. I never saw any inappropriate exchanges between him and other women.

    In fact he didn’t know I had access because the nimrod left his apps open on his computer and phone all the time.

    I think he is a cerebral narc…he was single for 10 years. There were flings here and there but he never had a ‘girlfriend’
    Even his best friends told me when they met me that they had never seen him serious with anyone, and when they met me they were happy that he finally found the ‘one’.

    His number one preference of fuel is coaching his son in a baseball (he lives vicariously through his him) which keeps him busy almost everyday. He is also a guys guy and loves hanging out with his boys.

    So I guess what I am asking is am I in complete denial thinking there is not another woman, or is his preference for fuel his baseball team and his buddies?
    Is his silent treatment because of all the horrible things I said to him? Did the criticism cause an injury?
    Is that why he blocked me? So I could come running back.
    He lives less than a mile from me and the thought of him just showing up like nothing has happened just baffles the hell out of me.
    On that note I’m heading out to get your books…No Contact and Fuel.
    Time to change it up and listen to the Cure.

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    1. I like the way How Soon is Now starts and those are apt lyrics. Thank you for your compliments and I am pleased you have found what I write insightful, tell everyone you know ! Your criticism will have ignited his fury and the silent treatment is the cold fury which arises from this. When you ended the relationship, this told him he was not good enough, thus it equated to criticism and his fury will have been ignited. It does seem however that he is potentially a rarity in that his primary source of fuel is not always an intimate partner. If his track record with girls is as you say, it may be the case that his primary sources alternate between living vicariously through his son, his “boys” and then a girlfriend, namely you. You may not have even been a primary source, the other two groupings may have been and you could have been a high ranking secondary source. It is possible. The blocking will have been to provoke a reaction and he will want to hoover you at some point although I suspect his drive for doing so is not high as he has easily been able to compensate your departure with his son and/or the “boys”. An interesting scenario. Enjoy Fuel and No Contact and tell me what you think about your situation after you have read Fuel.

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      1. Thanks for the response HG!
        Like I said, everything you have written describes him to a T…but I could not wrap my brain around the fact he had someone else. He lives less than a mile from me, I had a key to his place and occasionally would pop in to surprise him. Even when I met his best friend and his wife, they told me that they thought he was making me up because it took them almost 6 months to meet me and that they had never seen him with anyone before. Same with his other buddies. These are lifelong friends of his. Baseball is time consuming, his relationship with his son is crushing to watch. He is his coach, and when they are done with the games and the daily practices they are still on the field practicing until his son perfects his game. I have also witnessed the dynamic of the relationship. They are very close…and God forbid if his son does something wrong, it ends up in a meltdown where he sobs uncontrollably because he failed his father in someway.

        Also my narcs best friends are the center of his world. Some married for years, and some still single. The ones who are dating or developing relationships now have developed vaginas and are half the men they used to be he says. Regardless he loves his buddies.

        I know I was a high secondary source for him rather than a primary. But in the end everything you read about a narcissist devaluing you, it usually means they have someone lined up.

        In his case he is a bizarre exception to the rule. As I was breaking up with him he even said…’baseball season is starting so taking a break isn’t such a bad thing’

        Anyhow I’m getting the Fuel and No Contact books today. Hoping it will clarify for. Keep on with your brilliant writing. Looking forward to the next post and new book.

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      2. There are some narcs that don’t use lovers as primary supply…rare…but I knew a guy that used his children…he lived through them….he would triangulate when one got out of line…idealize the one giving him no trouble….some use family (N3 used his brother in between women…mother was second….his work was primary in his life before me for 3 years). These types do exist….

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  13. T, You know the quote “we don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are.”
    And since you’re Christian, the devil appears as an angel of light. Rebuke him!

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    1. I love that quote, D! I’ll always be this way…but I won’t be ensnared again because I will live by Ms. Maya Angelou’s quote

      “When someone shows you who they are–believe them!” (the first time)

      Next time….I won’t “stick around” for MORE abuse….

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  14. LOL – then again, when we see that the narc “just happens” to be at an event where we’ve planned on being for over a year, then the “hoovering” is seen for the obvious, pathetic OC behaviour that it is.
    Predictability isn’t a strength. Victims are predictable – as are narcs.

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  15. So HG to you, is an emotionally incestuous relationship one where you rely on a family member for emotional support?

    Have you ever thought about how you would have liked your mother to treat you growing up?
    Or wished things were different between you two?

    Also, what was your relationship with your dad like?

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    1. It is, yes.
      I have thought about that, yes.
      I got on with my father. He always tried to do the right thing despite the circumstances he found himself in but I found myself irritated by this weakness.

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  16. Hi HG 🙂
    Did it occur to you that having a different relationship with you mother (whatever the difference is that you were thinking of 😉 will wait for book 😉 enjoy that fuel droplet)
    You may not have been a nutter but *gasp* one of us!
    ONE OF US!
    ONE OF US!

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    1. I am not a nutter. That suggests a chaotic and disorganised approach. I am methodical, calculated and organised. I understand the point you are making but I could not be one of you because I am set apart to begin with, regardless of the relationship I had with mother.

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