The Silent Assassin

th4NCBJB19When I first subject you to the silent treatment the effect on you is devastating. You repeatedly try to contact me and speak to me to find out what is wrong. What has caused this sudden dropping of the shutters when only the day before we were lying in bed together as I told you how I was so pleased to have finally found the one? Your need to know is so great that it completely overrides any sense of embarrassment or decorum on your part. You call my phone again and again and again. You call my work phone repeatedly but find my secretary (one of my loyal lieutenants) will block you by explaining every time that I am in a meeting. You will call around at my house. I can see you through a gap in the blinds as you hammer on the door and then pace backwards and forwards, frustration and confusion writ large on your face. The text messages pile up. My email inbox begins to bulge and you start shoving letters through my letterbox. I do actually read them as they give me a magnificent sense of importance as I read your questions.

Inevitably the tenor of your attempts to contact me alters. From starting with questions such as “What is wrong?” and “Is something the matter?” you then begin to examine yourself. You query what you might have done to upset me and cause this cessation. Without fail, every time I have deployed this weapon, you have scrutinised yourself to such a degree that you eventually find something that could have caused my reaction. You do this, demeaning yourself, because you need to have an answer as to why this has happened. You must. If you cannot get an answer from me then you turn on yourself and find it there. “I’m sorry I didn’t cook your steak the way you like it” or “I’m sorry I left without kissing you” or “I’m sorry I used the last of the milk and did not replace it”. Then come the promises to make things up to me if I will just get in touch. The promises not to do it again and to be a better person. The pattern is the same every time ; demand an answer from me, find an answer within yourself and then show contrition and desire to improve. Once you have passed through those three stages then I know you have become indoctrinated with the way I want you to think and then and only then will I end the silence. Well, perhaps, another week won’t hurt me will it?

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22 thoughts on “The Silent Assassin”

  1. It is very interesting seeing this post again. The first time I saw it, I was still in the fog of shock and I think when I read this I was in fact awestruck that a “silent treatment” could be a pre-meditated manipulation, and got hung up on that concept alone. Just like catching small, important details in a thrilling movie or show upon a 2nd or 3rd viewing, I have now honed in on you saying the 3 stages you wait to play out in order to end the silence – for the person to show contrition for their part and promises to improve. Thus removing the accountability card for doing this in the first place. It becomes your insurance policy that you will receive the wave of relief and pure submission upon your grand entrance back. I’m trying to recall if I ever reached the 3rd stage with my Narc’s silent treatments. I know at times I pleaded for him to talk to me no matter the issue, but I usually couldn’t bring myself to offer apologies or promises to change when I didn’t know the specific grievance. I did provide a lot of guesswork. I suppose that was gold laden fuel for him? If I cut right to the chase, and tried stage 3 and offered up ways I could change and listen better and promise to meet his terms because it’s a searing rupture daily on the inside not hearing from him, I wonder if that would lure him out of his ST? However I no longer wish to subject myself to his abusive “mind F**kery” as one put it to experiment and test this theory. I’ve done that enough since the holidays and he’s always behaved as you have forecasted.
    It’s great to have these older blogs thrown in for refreshers and daily reinforcement!

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  2. Yep… Over and over again until we became to numb and to weak to react and think. Like there is nothing left from ourselves. And then, the final act, Discard and malign hoovers.
    Silence, no answers and no closure were the hardest for me. Really. Im still under reconstruction after months. But im getting back on my feet, stronger then ever!

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  3. I have to say that the 3Ns of my life never gave me long silent treatments so I would not be able to talk about how it feels, but I can imagine its dying inside to wait and wait for somebodies call and not have it, and not be able to communicate and the anxiety being over the top 😢😢😢. This mist be really cruel.
    I think so painful that I would seriously entere to question the need of leaving by then. Even before that I had no idea what ST treatment meant, I would say due to the pain it would provoke.. I suppose that would have been my reaction. I never saw that in them.
    Short silent treatments of a day or a morning I did have but since I had kids around It did not have the effect it should have I suppose, and I remember with N3 with whom I spent lots of time without the kids, gave me a whole morning of silent treatment because ai checked wasap during breakfast. His eyes did change so I knew something was very wrong. It was a very unconfortable silence ( usually I ❤️ Silence) and I told him ” so you think it brings alot of added value to the day to ignore me completely instead of saying what is wrong” and ST was replaced by 2 hours of lectures on what bothered him, and why the way he did things were not the best, but at least the ones who saved more energies. N3 always spoke in terms of saving energies. All was measured against that.
    HG are you giving us silent treatment with the blog by not posting the comments 😭😭??
    Have a nice day ☀️☀️ and thanks for having posted this again.
    I hope in my life I never have to undergo such treatment 🙏🏻🙏🏻💔

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    1. You said HG was giving the silent treatment on comments. Could that just be your perception? He’s explained several times of his many commitments. Not sure of you were offended because you perceived his failure to respond to your many comments as a silent treatment. Door 4:) is always an option with the narc. Completely unknown, progressive in their manipulation. With practice and time they refine their skills.

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      1. Ohhh I see… This was joke sorry… I even sent him a PM in this and also asked him that if the blog was also used like sex to then take it away from us… Again joking…
        No I was not offended… But did not realize it could have been taken as seriously.. Apologies…
        I dont get the story on door 4 😬 And refining their skills..

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      2. @nikita, once we think we have them figured out the continue to progress in their tactics and manipulation. Although we start to feel empowered after we gain knowledge. We ignore the warning signs, mine told I would tell you to get a clue but I have given you many. At this time I knew he was a narc. Door 4 is additional surprises. He’s given off warning signs on how to avoid the traps. It’s like trying to catch a waterfall if that makes any sense.

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    1. You are going through it with HG and don’t realize it. Love thyself. .. HG is a narc and a business savvy narc at that. Or maybe not…just maybe he’s study empath and know our need to reconcile, understand, and need for closure and attention required after the devaluation. There’s money and fuel 🙂 Either way his information is relevant and straightforward. The host asked us to choose door 1-3 HG is telling us don’t choose number 3 because there’s a bomb behind it, he know, he’s help stage it. But, we still need more answers, and have more questions and are likely to choose door 3. Why is that?

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      1. Because as we heal and wean ourselves off of our Narcs, H.G. is like a placebo fix. I hope to soon have learned enough here that door 3 would not even be tempting.

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  4. I never gave him the fuel from this one – thank goodness.

    But it was still very much like breathing in carbon monoxide. In fact the whole experience was.

    I have a carbon monoxide detector now. If it senses any, I leave the windows open.

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    1. I referred to door 4 in the sense of when you think you know what is lurking behind the doors, I am one step ahead. Someone (can’t recall now) commented in such terms yesterday.

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