You, Me and Her



One is never enough for us. Two or more are required. When we commence our seduction of you and launch those missiles towards you bearing love, passion and desire, we repeatedly tell you that you are the one. You are the only one that we want. All of our life we have waited for this moment to be with the one, you. This singularity of number meets singularity of purpose. One is all that we want. We tell you this, we text you this and we do some repeatedly in order to put you on that pedestal. The world may as well just be populated by you and me. Nobody else matters. All that we want is you and you alone. The effect of such words makes you feel extremely special, revered and worshipped and it feels wonderful doesn’t it? Being the sole recipient of our attention, such wonderful, dedicated and loving attention is uplifting, joyful and magnificent.

Recently a commenter posted a quote from Robert A Heinlein which revolved around kissing. Essentially, this quote referred to the fact that when most people kiss they are not putting their all into it, they have other things on their mind, they might be worrying about work, they know they have to put the rubbish out, they are wondering what is for dinner and as a consequence that person’s kiss is nowhere near as it should be because that person has distractions. The person they are kissing does not have their total attention. There is considerable merit in such a proposition. What we manage to do however is make you think that nobody else matters, that you are the only person we are kissing, have ever kissed and will ever kiss. We make you the centre of our universe and you believe it. Yet the reality is that whilst we exhibit this singularity of attention on you, we have so many other people in mind. Understand that when you are with one of our kind there is never, there is never a time when it is just you and me. There is always you, me and her or him or them. Your dynamic with us is not exclusive. It never is. It is not your sole preserve. You are shared throughout the entirety of your relationship with us, from the beginning until, well forever. I do not necessarily mean that we are engaged in s sexual relationship with someone else when we are with you but the fact is that when you think it is just you and I, there is far more going on that you will realise.

At the outset when I am seducing you, I make you feel like the only girl in the world, however there will be at least two other dynamics ongoing. The first is that I will be embarking on a cruel campaign against your predecessor. I will be considering how next to provoke them and punish them so I am able to draw negative fuel from them. I will undoubtedly tell you about them as I explain how horrible and abusive that person was to me. What you are less likely to know is that I am sending them abusive messages, stalking them and organising various methods of manipulation to keep punishing them.

The second dynamic at the outset is the fact that I may also be working on another prospect as well as you. In the extremely unlikely event that you ever had access to my mobile ‘phone and you looked in the messages you would see something like this.

“Message to You 19:48 – I cannot stop thinking about you. What have you done to me? I love it though. I cannot wait to see you tomorrow even though it is too long to wait for my aching heart.”

“Message to Her 19:50 – I cannot stop thinking about you. What have you done to me? I love it though. I cannot wait to see you tomorrow even though it is too long to wait for my aching heart.”

There may even be,

“Message to Her 2 19:52 – I cannot stop thinking about you. What have you done to me? I love it though. I cannot wait to see you tomorrow even though it is too long to wait for my aching heart.”

Notoriously greedy for fuel and wary of the effects of not having a supply of the same, we will ensure that we have other targeted prospects in hand. You may become the chosen one as my primary source of fuel but the others will not necessarily be discarded. They will be retained as “friends” who rank as high producing secondary appliances, continuing to supply me with fuel. You think you have me to yourself. Of course that is the impression that I will create but you are sharing me with the others who will be kept ready to replace you should you start to fail in your production of fuel.

During the golden period it may seem that there is just you and me but I will be keeping other prospects warm and extracting negative fuel from one or more predecessors in the meanwhile. Then, without warning you find yourself being devalued. You have your suspicions that we are playing away. Indeed, we are as we use these secondary sources that we have kept “warm”. There will be others as we find additional people to draw into our network as we play them off against you. You will find you will be compared to these people, to friends and family and always found to be wanting as we press the devaluation against you. After this horrendous time, we will cast you to one side with a callous discard and somebody else has replaced you. How did that happen so quickly? How were we able to move with unseemly haste and find someone else who we now declare our love for? Easily. They were waiting in the wings all along.

Now discarded you will find you are still involved in the dynamic as we play you against your replacement. We will keep trying to draw negative fuel from you and then suddenly hoover you back and make you the apple of our eye again, as your short-lived replacement is cast aside. A period of vacillation may follow as we lift you up and crash you down. You are sat on one end of a see saw, as you go up, she goes down and vice versa. We stand in the centre, straddling this see saw and gobbling up all the fuel that is pouring from you both.

As our primary source you will always find that there is somebody else involved in the dynamic of our relationship. It does not end there though with the person who is our primary source of fuel. This addition of an extra player in the game happens throughout all our fuel gathering activities. We set family member against family member, our brothers against our sisters, or one parent against another. We treat one child as golden and the other as a pariah as we have them compete for our blessing and affection. We pit one colleague against another as they vie for that promotion which lies in our gift. We have friend fighting against friend in order to spend time with us at the expense of the other. We enter the online realm and have people backbiting, clashing and competing all through a few keystrokes on the keyboard. We can never be satisfied with it being just you and me, we always have to involve others and that involvement cannot be harmonious. There must be competition in order for the fuel to flow. Never think that we are dedicated to just you, our need for fuel does not allow it. There is always someone else despite what we may tell you. If you were ever able to ascertain the full extent of our machinations, schemes and plans you would see so many lines radiating away from us, connecting us to you, to her and to many others, with lines running between the unknowing and knowing until it looks like an extremely complex organogram on the wall of an incident room in a police station.

It can never just be you and me. There always has to be another.

44 thoughts on “You, Me and Her

  1. Sheila says:

    Just catching up on posts I have missed, you are, as another commentor stated, my dirty little secret lol
    I was actually tipped off to this in my relationship to T by my daughter who was quick enough to read a message T was texting on his’ phone while I was inside preparing a meal and they were both outside. His ‘phone pinged with a message and my daughter was quick to read the message he texted back before he knew she was there. She came to me with it and repeated it, which was in essence nearly the same sort of thing he would have texted me when we weren’t spending time together. He came in the house while we were discussing it and of course it ignited fury and became all about my daughter ‘spying’ on him and that his trust had been violated…. go figure.

  2. Alice says:

    This one is excellent. I was served all of those scenarios, false excuses and explanations.

    Thank God I saw through them in time!

    However, I still struggle with the urge to connect with the other victim (the woman that was devalued & discarded when he was in the honeymoon phase with me).

    I felt so much of her pain and confusion! I always sympathized with her. I wanted him
    to stop lying to her in that way, but he always continued the cheating and triangulation.

    That, indeed, is why I left him.

    I am sure we would to validate each other’s experience if me and her spoke to each other. But that might hurt her as well, wouldn’t it?

    And it might provide the N with negative fuel which I want to avoid at all cost;-)

  3. becoming observant says:

    I must be doing something right: by initiating No Contact awhile back, keeping professional exchanges superficial and unemotional, I have seen N’s demeanor change from smiles to scowls over the last few weeks. Without giving away too much, I can see him trying to set me up for hurt, but I am a step ahead and he has failed at each attempt. The funny thing is, I find myself not caring at all, and it is amusing to watch. I “get it” about the fuel: he is trying and trying (and failing and failing) to lash out and hurt me, but he can’t, and he is visibly thwarted and I am chuckling inside. Thank you, HG.

    1. Hurtinforcertain says:

      God I want to get there…

      1. becoming observant says:

        You will, be determined and confident. Mine was easier: less time involved, I was not dependent, and he is not the sharpest knife in the drawer. He was very low-functioning.

  4. becoming observant says:

    Oh one more Q: if I know I am going to run into N, is it better to dress up or dress down? We know when we are going to work together.

    1. malignnarc says:

      If you dress up, you are tryingto impress, if you dress down then you are the wretch we thought you were. That is what we will be thinking. You therefore need to dress in respect of how you want to feel and think because we will take your appearance and interpret it in the way that suits us best.

    2. T says:

      Welcome to the blog, Becoming…

      HG is always right about N behavior….but I just want to chime in…dress respectful like HG suggested…but make sure your face and hair is flawlessly beautiful….especially if his new primary is present…he may be an N…but she isn’t!!! 😉

      1. malignnarc says:

        Good point T.

  5. becoming observant says:

    Have downloaded and am getting through one book at a time. Will see N tonight at work. It will be crowded and chaotic. Thoughts which crossed my mind for the obligatory hellos: unemotional, flat: “you look tired” (in audience of primary, even better?), “catching up yet?”, giving my adoring hugs to everyone else but him, never make eye contact with any facial expression – drop it immediately if he comes into view and I happen to be smiling. What else? It is such an exciting, fun workplace, and we are all pumped and happy before a show, glad to see each other (the other actors and I who aren’t there all day every day).

  6. I believe I already have.

  7. I basically binge-read your blog last night. Your words have a hold on me, but perhaps not for the typical reasons you might suspect.

    I do so love to play. Games are tremendously fun, especially when playing with someone of your caliber.

    Your words make me tingle and vibrate on a level I can’t quite explain. I can most certainly understand how you get away with the things you do.

    I look forward to more of your words. I am planning to purchase your books shortly, since I just can’t seem to get enough. I envision the words slipping off the pages onto my waiting tongue…..


    1. malignnarc says:

      Step into the arena then.

    2. nikitalondon says:

      Welcome to the blog 😃

  8. T says:

    Hola, HG!

    You are right about this! N3 had a very strange relationship with his family…..his brother was his whipping boy……..I never understood that dynamic in his family.

    His brother should have been the “golden child”. He was brilliant (finished pharmacy school at age 22!), grew up with juvenile diabetes, and is just a nice guy in every way…..helps the elderly at the church, still involved with the Boy Scouts, is very humble….

    My exN is older than him by a year…but he was the “golden child”…he resents his brother…and he is verbally abusive to him…and is very competitive with him…

    When in the honeymoon stage with me…he’d be giving his brother the silent treatment…very strange. He would abuse his mother and sister as well….his father died 7 years ago, and that left the N the head of the family…they seemed to be at his mercy…because he now makes all of the family decisions….

  9. Di says:

    I thought at first that he had a sexual addiction, he convinced me that it wasn’t about sex. Later, I thought it was a love/ relationship addiction. He had to make the others fall in love with him. He was not content to just have an affair or fling. This was all before I realized he was a narccicist seeking fuel. He actually suggested that we have a polyarmourous/open relationship. I was not interested, not only was it contrary to my belief system, but I was exhausted from constantly providing him fuel and caring for my small child. I had nothing left to give to anyone else. I’m sure that is why he suggested it, he knew me so well.

    1. D says:

      Yep! He suggested it because he knew you would stay faithful.
      My narc wouldn’t go there with me because I would have acted on it 😂

  10. Oh the generic texts !! Yes I remember even thinking at the time the texts were sometimes so uniform that he must just hit send to everyone in his phonebook !!

    There seduction ones as well as many many many more about his illness and the latter I’m sure were sent to everyone haha the former perhaps me and only a few others. His favourite was ‘hello’ first thing in the morning before I’d even woken.

  11. Lynn says:

    My Ex Narc has low testosterone and difficulty sustaining an erection. Must be harboring ALOT of anger and resentment. And now I see why the “texting harem” was so important. I want to stay connected to common friends-to show to everyone and myself that I am not “affect-able”… but why poke at The Devil? It is to easy of a connection back to me. Will leave this most negative comment for here… reaffirm no contact, hope worthy friends establish again? …and shake that feeling of “he won”.

    1. So Sad says:

      Hi Lynn .
      Who old you he had low testosterone levels ? Ex narc couldn’t raise a smile let alone an erection without a Viagra ..

      You can’t stay with mutual friends . Fact . No contact is the only way as much as it hurts ..xx

      1. Lynn says:

        Interesting! He told me he had low testosterone levels that did not respond to creams and such…so, he needs to make an appointment with a more competent dr? (I like to think Karma at work against EVIL?) Too vain for Viagra…. “Im don’t need to depend on a blue pill!!”. And thanks for the support. I do believe “our” friends preferred me because I AM funny and have a good energy! Once he sensed that people responded to me more than him, that I was competition, off the pedestal I fell! (though not too hard because, I was getting a sense his core was mean…despite his lies and charm). I will miss my friends but- that is better than staying even loosely connected and him trying to create and draw negative fuel!! Thank you!! Need to keep my resolve!

        1. So Sad says:

          He did Lynn?

          I thought ex N was a one off with with his flaccid appendage , but apparently it’s quite a common problem . He could swing it side to side , rotate it round & around but the only direction it wouldn’t go was up . HaHa ..

          It’s sad that you have to loose your mutual friends , it doesn’t seem fair does it , but they will only like you say keep that connection & he will use them to gather information & manipulate you even if they are not aware they are doing it, fact he’s probably only friends with them for this very reason . Again your right Narcs have to be the center of everyone’s attention , that fact that you took the focus from him made you his enemy & you had to go .

          Keep that resolve going Lynn , nothing good ever comes out of taking them back !! xx

          1. malignnarc says:

            Flaccid appendage, great description and there ought to be a pub so named.

          2. So Sad says:

            Lol HG there is . The Slug & lettuce 🙂

          3. malignnarc says:

            Ha ha brilliant, I tip my hat in your direction and will now claim that as my own.

  12. So Sad says:

    Morning HG . 🙂

    I love your analogy of the see saw.. Question please .

    As you say you draw the positive / negative fuel at the same time . What happens if someone jumps off the see saw before your ready for them to leave ? I’m asking more along the lines of the negative fuel , because lets face it the positive isn’t going anywhere soon 🙂 What if negative jumps then goes NC .. do you feel any loss of control ? substitute with weaker sources ? fury ? ..

    Thanks again for the blog .

    1. malignnarc says:

      You are welcome. If the negative provider stops providing fuel we will focus on the positive all the more if that is in place. The problem arises when it is not.

      1. So Sad says:

        Thanks HG .

        Something else that occurred to me . What do you get from the negative fuel, what do you think ? feel ? what drives you to keep drawing on it even though you have a new supply ?. I know you say negative fuel is better than positive , but I’m struggling to understand why ? Sorry if you’ve explained this a zillion times already 🙁 thank you .

        1. malignnarc says:

          Positive fuel is easier to extract because people like to praise, be happy and admire and so forth. Negative fuel is harder to extract and especially so from empathic individuals who adopt a healthy attitude to life and relationships. You are more forgiving, give the benefit of the doubt and always try to see the good side. By extracting a negative emotion from you this shows how powerful we are, it fuels us, it makes us feel powerful and accords with our sense of omnipotence. I keep drawing it because you need to be punished and because it makes me feel so powerful.

          1. So Sad says:

            Thank you for replying again HG .

            I’m going to have to think about that today . You need to punish us because you think we failed you right ? , even though we try harder than any other time ?

            It’s very confusing , but I suppose it has to be doesn’t it .. Nothings ever straight forward with a Narc . 🙁 ..

          2. malignnarc says:

            Yes it does but only because you do not look at the situation through our world view (not that you would know how to without what I tell you) and instead look at it through your world view, hence the confusion.

          3. So Sad says:

            Thank you again HG .

            I honestly don’t think I ever could look at it with your ” world view ”

            Somehow it’s all twisted and backwards that you could feel power & control by draining a kind loving person to the point where there’s nothing left but a beating heart & a messed up head .

            But Ncs don’t feel that pain . I know that now . Thank you for explaining as much at it hurts me to read .

          4. nikitalondon says:

            So now I got curious. What are the ways to punish and what would give you alot of negative fuel. Say for example you want to extract negative fuel from me.. Imagine we had a relationship some years or so… What would you do to extract the fuel? What should I expect? I did read fuel seversl times and you did talk about putting people down … So would it be like calling me names and telling me how useless I am etc etc??

          5. malignnarc says:

            I refer your goodself to the contents of Manipulated and The Devil’s Tookit for the various machinations therein. You may also find some answers in the forthcoming Black Flag.

          6. nikitalondon says:

            Manipulated is bought not yet read. The toolkit all read, so I get the idea..
            When is the next book coming?

          7. malignnarc says:

            Next week I should imagine.

  13. D says:

    Oh HG!
    Of course I would have allowed him a BF!
    He wouldn’t allow himself. INDENIAL!
    What a shame!

    1. malignnarc says:

      Ha ha.

  14. nikitalondon says:

    Ohh my HG sounds exhausting, now I understand why you guys are always speaking in terms of saving energy. Of course with all that structure to mantain. If I may do an observation, I think the dynamics varies to from type of N to type of N and cerebral concentrating on different things like work, and occassions and people to display their knowledge while the somatic concentrates on the opposite sex? Can this be?
    I dont have to wish you anymore to have a nice day but rather an energized one!!
    Very good explanation on something we see happening but not really understand how it functions. Only in HG school!!! ☀️☀️👍🏻

    1. malignnarc says:

      Indeed Nikita the dynamics will alter dependent on the type of narcissist.

  15. D says:

    I suggested polyamory of some sort to my narc. Of course he didn’t want that (on my side anyway) 😉

    1. malignnarc says:

      What was behind your suggestion?

      1. D says:

        I could kiss girls and so could he 😉
        I was in a very possessive relationship for 9 years.
        I want my partner to feel like they are free as long as they are HONEST with me about their intentions. However Narcs are not honest.

        1. malignnarc says:

          Surely you should have allowed him some “man action” to even things up, no wonder he got annoyed!

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