Don’t Know What You Want

 

“I don’t know what you want, heaven knows I have tried. Every day I have spent my time in the pursuit of your happiness. It was easy at first because you seemed so happy. I don’t think I had seen anybody who acted in such a care free manner. Nothing seemed to bother you, hold you back or distract you. You moved with such intent, acted with defined purpose and I must confess I found that attractive. The singularity of your aim was evident to even the casual observer. You shrugged off mishaps, shirked disaster and dodged catastrophe as if you had once pledged that you would never countenance anything that could hinder or hold you back. It is admirable and impressive. With that ability to glide effortlessly through life you always seemed happy, or at least that is what I thought. You made me happy too. Goodness knows you did. You did it better than anybody else and with such conviction. I can place my hand on my heart and confirm that I have never experienced anybody like you. Your capacity for love exceeded anything I had witnessed before. Everything else paled next to you and your blazing golden sunshine. You chased away the gloom, you lit up the darkest of days and you always did so with such confidence and fortitude. It was easy to love you, you made it easy. Who wouldn’t love a god who had deigned to walk on the earth in such a manner? Of all of the billions making their way across this planet you came and you chose me. Me. Two small letters yet you made those letters fill your life and there was no room for anything else. I had never been the focus of such love, attention and affection and do you know, I doubt I ever will again. There is nobody like you. I mean that as a compliment, I honestly do, nobody loved me the way you did. If I had not seen it happening and felt it envelope me I would never have believed it and believe in it I did, with every ounce of my being. You know I almost felt obliged to love you. How could I not after all the things you did for me and everything you said? I would surely be a cold-hearted harridan to have denied you the most perfect love after what you showed me. I could no less reciprocate what you gave me than walk away and I feel hard and deep for you so that it made loving you easy. I gave everything for you but if I am honest, at least at first, it was no chore, no arduous exercise or thorny path. It was bliss. You invigorated me, you elated me and you inspired me. You became the centre of my world and thus I loved you in every conceivable way that I could, with my eyes, my mouth, my fingers, my breath and my heart. I woke and the first thing I thought of was you. I found you filling my thoughts often and repeatedly as I considered how best I could return your wonderful love. I sculpted my life around yours as I cooked for you, I shopped for you, I listened to you and I counselled you. I soothed your fevered brow and held your clammy hand as you slipped into a chaotic slumber. I laundered your clothes, I searched for your keys, I supported your endeavours and I lauded your achievements. I made myself the best person you could ever want by your side and I strove each and every day to maintain our happiness for our perfect union. I invested everything I had in our partnership as I wanted to be Robin to your Batman, Hutch to your Starsky and the Sundance kid to your Butch Cassidy.  I portrayed nothing less than the perfect visage to all of those who admire you. The bended knee people, the hand-kissers, the bowing people and those at your elbow and over your shoulders. I gave them no reason to doubt us, to doubt you. I smiled when the pain tried to prevent me from doing so. I blinked back the tears when they wanted to pour. I searched for answers even when I began to realise that none would be forthcoming. You made me twist, turn and dangle as you had me like Don Quixote, tilting at those windmills because they might be giants. You made me think that enemies lurked behind every corner, their long-fingered jealousy ready to steal what we had. I searched for them, ready to strike them down in furtherance of what we have, because I believed in you and I. I gave every minute of every day to you, I cancelled my plans, I let friends loose and irked my family in order to give you what I thought you wanted. I cleaned, I worked, I bathed, I trimmed, I cut, I dieted, I measured, I washed and I did so all because of you. I had come so far along the road with you that I was not going to stop because somehow I knew that we would succeed, all I had to do was find what it was that you wanted. That is me, you see, I am a giver and you are a receiver. That does not pain me because I have spent most of my life being a provider and a giver, that is why I was put on the earth, to care, to worry, to look after and to cherish. That is my role and I have discharged myself in this role with utter dedication and distinction. I know I can lie straight in the bed, even more so because you no longer frequent it with me and do so in the knowledge that I have done everything I could for you. You could not want for more. You could not want for a better person than. You were the best for me and I wanted to be the best for you too. They say that when you are going through hell you should keep on going, but I cannot. These shaking hands, my scarred forearms and thinning hair tell me otherwise. The incessant dull ache in my brown, the stoop that I have acquired and the ever present sense of dread threaten to consign me to oblivion. I thought that if I knew what you wanted, if I worked and tried, I could ascertain what it was that you wanted and then I could give it to you and we would be one again. We would be us. We would be happy.

I don’t know what you want.

But I cannot give it anymore.”

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45 thoughts on “Don’t Know What You Want”

  1. This is a beautiful good bye words to an intense relationship that probably has no chances anymore. And to say it and let it out all what we think we gave is a peaceful way of closing the book and that it remains closed.
    The image of me and my ex-husband came to my mind with this.
    Before he moved out. He was lying on the top bed 2 m high so I could not see him, I could only listen to the sad music he was listening to.
    And I sat under the bed and told him all of the above. What we were and what we were not and that I just could not anymore… He never said a word about it, I asked him before leaving … Nothing to say… “No”… but I know this helped to close the book for both of us. At least for me and I am sure in a way for him.
    Excellet writing as always.

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  2. You are very good in any case and any emotion. Sadness, hapiness, anger, doubt, its amazing… Saying goodbye, saying hello… All just all
    This message nevertheless has evoked a feeling of epic sadness 😢.

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  3. This would have been nice to get in some way as it would provide closure. All I ever got was silent treatments and insults which leaves me stuck thinking all the vile things said to me was what he thought the whole time.
    Your comment about scarred forearms? Referring to a suicide attempt?

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    1. Hello Clarence. Reading your message made me sad. Already this message this morning made me very sad. When I read your message and that you talk about not having closure. did you not ever feel you could just not take it anymore, that there was nothing more of you to give? If yes, does this not give you closure? I think this has to be our closure, as from men in general you dont get closure. I think even normal men some are not able to give closure.
      Apart of having tried until I was depleted, I also get closure to think that because of the smashed heart I ended with from the narcissistic relationships I had, I discovered self love as early as I could 😃. I think I could have died without discovering self love ( such a beautiful feeling) and in a way I am not thankful but instead I give myself the closure. Give yourself the closure Clarence. Sometimes there are things that we have to give ourselves when nobody else gives it to us.
      All the best Clarence.

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      1. Hi Nikita! Such a thoughtful message. Oh don’t let my stuff make you sad. No, the despair and desolation I felt last summer after a very specific stunt my Narc pulled after 2-1/2 years of other things building up to it, did not bring closure. Quite the opposite for me.
        My personality is Type A. I am highly data driven and all of my professional positions have been being personal assistants to company owners or the senior partner of a law firm when I was there. I think I’m one of the few on this blog that isn’t employed in some capacity in the medical field. I have been involved in marketing and now project management so effective communication is constantly a priority.
        I did not date in high school. My first college boyfriend was my husband then for 17 years. Our parting was rather tragic however we separated when our only child was 4 and we both knew we had a long haul to go with co-parenting and are very committed to that. So we are as civil as you can be. Believe me there are days when he still drives me crazy and I think “Ha, this is why i’m glad I’m not married to you anymore” but it is short lived and nothing on the scale to what JN (narc) was like.
        My husband, due to his childhood baggage was a highly sensitive individual and could not cope well with any kind of conflict. So everything would always be talked about to great lengths for immediate resolution. After that for most of my adult life, I am conditioned to that. Tie that in with my need for answers and to connect the dots on why things are happening, someone pulling silent treatments or lying or omission of truth or changing mind like the wind every day is unfathomable to me.
        Finally from finding this blog, I am coming to terms that no closure is the closure with these kind. But now I’m going thru sheer internal rage and my own fury over that. One day I’m sure it will subside. Since I don’t have the answers I want to know, I can’t grant that closure. JN needs to pony up and have a real conversation with me for me to get that. But I’m adjusting that he’s one person that I will probably not get that from.
        Pretty much since last summer, I feel like my daughter has the one piece of my heart left that is still reserved for complete blissful, peaceful, unconditional and joyful love. I had opened that side for JN to see and he annihilated it. At this point I don’t even know if I want to try anymore as far as dating.
        I appreciate you taking time out of your day to think of me.
        Have a great weekend Nikita!

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      2. Hi Nikita,
        My mom always said that in every situation that the other person avoids having a talk with you about something important–YOU HAVE YOUR ANSWER.

        I now know what that means….

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      3. Normal, logical thinking would dictate that, but then they keep reappearing. So, I was so trusting, I took that to mean there was some level of caring.

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      4. Ha! You care what kind of fuel I’m doling out that day. Sorry, I forgot I need to speak Narc-talk.

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    2. I hear you, M. I ALWAYS got some weird breakups….followed by silence and utter confusion. I’d always plead during the devaluation that we were so happy just last week….he professed his love…spoke of our future…in a blink it all changed….I could do ANYTHING RIGHT.

      My dad die after the breakup w N3. He told me to let him go….he couldn’t see any man finding a better woman than me…and if he couldn’t see that–then he was CRAZY!!! My dad never let me lose sight of my worth….that is why I know…it’s truly N3’s loss….great women don’t grow on trees….my dad was right!

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      1. N3 failed you miserably not being there for your dad’s passing. He should have thought about the loss of fuel down the road. Silent treatments punish and abuse the target causing irrevocable damage. It’s just below the belt nasty when they pull it as a lack of support to a tragedy.

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      2. I agree, M.! He thought that’d he have me begging and chasing him to get back together….but I was done with that BEFORE my father’s death.
        However, I didn’t know N3 wasn’t at least still a friend. The worst mistake I made was reaching out when my dad died…….because he didn’t care AND I put myself out there for him to abuse me some more….then my stepmom passed weeks later…and I guess he was angry I had cut him off of phone calls and texts…he set me up and THEN pulled ANOTHER silent treatment DURING MY GRIEF!!!
        That was the straw that broke the camel’s back! But it opened my eyes….he only cared about himself!!

        He’s been calling and hanging up….and making himself and some dumpy downgrade visible in my lunch spots…he didn’t realize I was stronger than he thought I was….(I can hear my dad laughing at him from Heaven…..my dad knew he’d regret the day he let me get away!)

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      3. I know, HG! I kind of wish I didn’t have him on ignore….because, I do have a wit about me. When I saw him and dumpy at lunch time the other day…I so badly wanted to get out of my car and say hello to both of them. I WANTED to tell him that his new girl was one hell of a 3!…and that I wished him and his DOWNGRADE the best! All with a straight and non emotional face!

        I’m not that mean….but I sure wanted to! lol He always admired my sense of style and was always proud to take me out…all over the place and held my hand constantly…… I’m not sure what he was doing with her….but more power to them…

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    1. Thank you Cat, it was in essence what was said to me by somebody else but is an amalgam of several conversations, comments and my own observations as to how she responded.

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  4. Thank you for this very revealing piece and great reminder of the end game from our perspective when there is nothing left for us to give. It’s obviously a universal compilation of the devastation, confusion, exhaustion and surrender that we struggle with when we finally end the torment.

    Well, “end” is not quite right now is it.

    That must have been Karen?

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  5. I could have written that……I was losing to much of myself and I had to get out!!! And he tried to intimidate my 16 year old son when my son stepped in between us during a fight. As a mom it’s my job to protect my son…he is more important than any relationship with a man. And now I finally have most of myself back!

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    1. Hi Debbie! I’m glad your momma bear instincts kicked in regarding your son! I see so many women choose their man over their kids….I’m not a mom, but I don’t understand that?

      Welcome, Debbie! Thanks for sharing!

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  6. *sigh* All I can hear when I read this is…
    Well you’ve never tried hard enough then, have you? All you ever talk about is leaving me. You would know what I want, if you ever truly listened to me…You! I only want you! Always have, always will. I don’t want to talk about this. When I said forever I meant forever…you, obviously, didn’t. You must have someone else! Who have you been talking to?! If you loved me you’d never even think about leaving…you couldn’t…not if you loved me like I love you. Without you, life means nothing. It’s easy to make me happy. It’s simple…just love me…No one can love me like you do…you know that.

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      1. Good morning HG,
        I just woke to my alarm after 2 hrs sleep. So I’m a little drunk with fatigue, in part, due to spending hours doing my BAS last night. The “beauty” of having one’s own business.

        As is my habit of responding to all forms of communication upon awakening I am responding to your (perhaps rhetorical) question or statement…I instantly imagined a smirk or at least being bemused whilst you were writing it.
        This set in motion another “script”, but for some reason it disappeared as quickly as it appeared in my head. It appears that I am feeling somewhat obtuse today and have little urge to explore that. Although, possesing such gifts of perception as you do…I daresay you know that of me already…

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      2. Hi CE, what’s BAS? Best At Seduction? I had a solid 7 hours sleep in readiness for a fuel driven day of conflict. I am almost quivering in anticipation. I am sure further scripts will appear at some point although you may be having a recuperative snooze after so little sleep.

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      3. Lol. I never have thought of myself in terms of seduction; although opinions have varied to mine. (I’m presuming you know that BAS means business activity statement and your comment was purely tongue in cheek)
        Good to hear when anyone wakes up well rested. Although, as you have disclosed previously, this is a regular thing for you.
        Have your needs been adequately met today HG? I sensed you went to sleep in a conflict based mood…perhaps why you awoke in anticipation of a fuel driven day of conflict; not referring on this occasion to seek positive fuel. Sorry, I’m just so relaxed and calm today I’m not sure anything much could affect me. I’m truly as carefree as I’ve never been.
        Today, Life is good. ❤

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      4. Hi HG,
        Divine intervention strikes again? My post disappeared.
        All good. (3rd time on this blog) I’m so relaxed and carefree atm. I forgot what I wrote. I curled up in bed and had a lovely, 5 hr peaceful sleep. (I seldom sleep much)
        How has your day been so far? Has it met/surpassed your initial expectations? I’m afraid I have nothing of value to add to it…I’m just enjoying being content.

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    1. Exactly what I got every time but the last time….I got the silent treatment after the giant 2 day fight!

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  7. I used to get nauseous when any of my ex N’s started the devaluation and silent treatments…I knew I was being abused….but I looked for other excuses….I then started to blame myself…but I KNEW I did nothing wrong…

    I never want to feel like that again! Ever!

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    1. I felt the same way!! And now when i feel like there may be conflict between myself and someone else…mostly male…I get this sick anxiety feeling. I guess because I got so used to that I don’t know how else to respond! And fyi…I didn’t get what I deserved…he did because I moved out and took all my stuff!! Lol pretty much left his house empty because he had nothing when we got together….lesser victim he is……he didn’t think I would really go….his life has continued to go downhill since!!! I was the drive that made him succeed and now his new gf has no job, no life, no stuff…but I think his new angle is to trap someone….he tried that with me…didn’t work!

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      1. I wouldn’t waste any tears over the victim type….they’ll take all your $! Lol! My N’s were jerks, but all successful….overly successful according to my therapist….successful men are successful because they put themselves first she says…..find a man successful in relationships

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