Eye See Sanctuary

When I first meet you and I look into your eyes I find a certain sanctuary. Your optimistic eyes seem like paradise to me. I can see the hope, the desire and the adoration burning in your eyes. Be they brown, blue, green or grey I can see the promise of salvation. That is why I try so hard to win you over. I apply everything I can think of to ensure that you stay with me so I can gaze deep into your eyes and drink the delight, trust and admiration that flows from them. You have no idea how much I need to see those things. The more I show you love, affection and how interested I am in you, the greater the radiance that shines towards me and the sanctuary that you have created for me remains in place. It surrounds and protects me, keeping the pain and the hurt at bay. It is a simple formula; I shower you with affection and attention and you return to me that magical protection in the form of how you look at me. The admiring glance across the restaurant table, the wide-eyed desire when we are in bed together, the simmering passion as I undress you and the sheer adoration as you quicken your pace to cross a room or a road to meet me. I need that place of safety and respite. A sanctuary where I know that the whispering, taunting voices will be silenced. A place of salvation where that cold-fingered dread cannot grip my throat and silence my scream of terror. Those draining shades that manifest from a past which I try to consign into oblivion cannot reach me in this place. That is what I hope for and believe every time somebody new enters my life. If I can just keep you sending me the power and the protection arising from those magnificent eyes then I will be safe. I apply my every effort to maintaining that gaze which will keep the darkness and the foul creatures lurking amongst it at bay. Everything I do is geared around making you feel happy, loved and wanted so that you will keep looking at me in that way and preserving my sanctuary.

Yet, no matter how hard I try, notwithstanding every effort I apply to maintaining your state of joy and happiness, you let me down. Each time someone new appears I am given renewed hope that this time the sanctuary will be permanently preserved and each time you fail me. Why do you do this to me when I try so damn hard for you? The burning admiration that you exhibited towards me suddenly dims. The adoration that blazed across the room has lost its intensity. The shining lustre of desire has become dulled. You do this to me and in so doing you turn the key of the gates, lift the heavy bar and push them open. You do this on purpose don’t you? You breach the citadel so that the screeching, moaning and howling tormentors that have gathered beyond its walls are admitted to assault me once again as they try to pull me into the abyss of insanity. The craven creatures slither forward, their mucus-covered tendrils slipping and sliding as they seek me out, determined to coil about me and drag me silent with terror into that place I must not go. Why do you do this to me? What have I done to deserve this treatment? All I have ever done is love you with a perfect love to cause you to generate that sanctuary and now, with no warning or help, you allow the paradise to be violated by those that seek to harm me.

I am left with no option but to fight them. To muster my strength and seek to defeat these agents of darkness by gathering my rage and anger. I must lash out in all directions, often and without restraint in order to stop my tormentors from destroying me. It matters not who is caught up in this frenzy, it is incidental whether you or anyone else finds themselves collateral damage from my necessary defence of my being. I fight and fight and fight, it is exhausting but it must be done. I have to survive until the next promise of sanctuary is identified and drifts my way. There I will find peace and a place to restore my waning strength. Is it you? Perhaps this time the sanctuary will remain intact.

14 thoughts on “Eye See Sanctuary

  1. Noname says:

    Sanctuary. Salvation. Peace. Serenity… They’ve always been a luxury. Alas.

    “I fight and fight and fight, it is exhausting but it must be done.” So true. So sad.

    Bravo again, Tudor.

  2. Heather says:

    My Dear Narcissist, My heart goes out to you! I have always felt a HUGE compassion for this pain in you! I FEEL it!! I just wanted to hold you, and sooth you and never let go! It’s why I stayed as long as I did. It’s why I gave you all the passes I gave you. It’s why I kept coming back. I couldn’t save you from it. If I didn’t get sick from all the abuse, or run out of energy,, I’de still be there trying to save you from that pain and terror inside like you did for me when we first met. I didn’t know that wasn’t real to you? It was to me! All the more reason to try and reach you! That part of you is hiding! I’m so very sorry I couldn’t save you from the darkness of your fears and your agony! It breaks my heart! I loved the person inside you behind the masks and the walls and the beast and the darkness. I can FEEL him in there! Might even have caught a glimpse here or there of him. I just want to rescue him and pull him OUT and love you! I tried to find my way in there to save you! The guards were too strong! The Dragon too mighty! You hate me now for being broken like you. I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you. I know there is someone in there worth fighting for.! Someone with INFINITE WORTH!! Eternal value! I KNOW because we are all created by the ONE WHO has those attributes and we were all created in HIS image!! But now I have to turn away as you RUN to someone else for relief from your horrors. And save the person who is now hiding behind walls and is so unloved by people. Who was so severely abused and very much worth fighting for… me. I will NEVER give up on the hope that anyone that WANTS to get well, heal grow, learn and develop can! Forgiveness of our sins, and forgiveness of others sins against us is a huge key! Christ provided this way out. I CHOOSE to forgive us for dancing with the devil forever! It’s just that my life, health and feelings hasn’t caught up with that choice. I’m still reaping the consequences of being involved with you! We are all suffering from the sins committed against us and our failure to respond productively. And the sins that we have committed against others also needs forgiveness as well. When SELF is at the center of our universe, OR another person gets placed on the throne of our lives, it’s a total recipe for disaster! I’m sorry I allowed this for so long! God has provided a way out! I’m looking to Him, and the TRUTH and I’ll continue to pray for HIM to save you! I can’t. He is our only Hope on this side of Heaven and the eternity that is waiting for us all.. His LOVE can save us from these demons! His peace can live inside us when we open up the door of our heart and trust Him. He will NEVER LIE!! He never changes. PEOPLE DO!! He is patiently waiting for us to stop trying to do this ourselves.. Without HIM we are NOTHING. But we can do ALL things through Christ Who strengthens us! I’m putting my faith in Him to save us from ourselves. I will love you forever, my dear Narcissist

  3. becoming observant says:

    Yes, your mother and her brother’s parents: do you remember what they were like (esp towards their children)?

    1. malignnarc says:

      My maternal grandfather was a gentle man who was pre-occupied with building things and tinkering about with cars and so on. He was often ensconced in his workshop trying to invent an automatic bird feeder or such like. He left his wife, my grandmother to run the house and I found her an intimidating character. My mother and uncle were always fussing over her, it seemed as if they were trying to outdo one another in order to win her favour.

  4. Lynn says:

    I feel as if I am hearing his exact words here- he would describe his pattern with others… “they hurt me, but I always had hope”. A subtle share of his true self, that I fell for. Thinking I would be different! I appreciate seeing this, especially now. He attempted contact yesterday and I did listen to the voicemail. But I distinctly hear “disappointment” and “blame” in his tone. “Hope your happy… your doing what you need to do”. Thankfully, I am reminded that I will always disappoint him. I am feeling guilt. But I know this is coming from my “people-pleasing”, rather than missing someone who loved me well. My perspective is continuing to clear, and I am learning what feelings to listen to, and what feelings to let go of. And the ideas of moving on and “no contact” become easier to accept

    1. T says:

      Good for you, Lynn!!

      I’m proud of you! Not many have the strength to not return that call, for no other reason than to get some answers…

      Returning that call will put the ball back in his court and leave you feeling miserable…TRUST ME! I returned that call (before I knew he was an N). He didn’t even have to leave a message…he just called and hung up. I waited 24 hours and called him back and he never answered. This pissed me off…so I kept calling…he kept ignoring….when I finally got him on the phone I had wasted 5 days of my life wondering what the hell happened….why he called….why he was ignoring me….and if he was ok?! NEVER AGAIN!

      Welcome to the blog, Lynn!

  5. nikitalondon says:

    It is a very very good idea to repost your writings from the past. Not only because its always an excellent read but because its gives me at least a mesuremenr of how much I have advanced in understanding the world if an N.
    Sometimes when I think about the pain I say to myself if I would have read this before I would have avoided my self all these years of pain and dissapointment and sometimes when I think about the good part we had, the beautiful connection and not the lovebombing, I think if I would have read this before maybe it could have worked out? Who knows?I will bever know?
    If I could make another narcisissitic relationship work out now with all this knowledge, I dont know neither.
    Understanding the basis of extreme adoration, securing a place for them inside and outside my heart, in a way caring emotionally for a small child, not expressing any needs, it is more work than with a normal relationship, which feedsback the HMS. Im theory this is like the ideal “love status” for a cod and an N.
    How to avoid all those pitfalls, or better said not give up when the fall comes.
    Like you say above they will have to fight fight and fight for their commection and their “love” instead of their monsters. This would work ☀️. ☀️
    Have a fueled day. I believe it will not be full of insulting and putting people down but rather a sustainable system to extract what you need. ⛽️⛽️

  6. becoming observant says:

    That is so sad! And different: every other thing I have read so far has focused on the plotting, the end-goal being the demise if one person after another. This sounds as if you feel hope with each new relationship.

    You see hope, not conquest, if this post encapsulates your feelings.

    Please direct me to the posts and/or books which describe the catalysts.

    Are therapists addressing your catalysts? Or is the focus more on your current-day coping skills?

    This post sounds like it comes from a person trying to escape the negativity, find peace; not as if the writer lives to control and destroy souls and a person’s will to live, like the other posts.

    1. malignnarc says:

      We have not embraced the catalysts yet, no. Fury deals with one of the catalysts. The blog post You Said We’d Always Be Together touches on another.

      1. becoming observant says:

        I am reading Fury: wow! Your uncle and mother are so much like my grandmother and mother. Everyone feared my grandmother’s tirades: they were hideous, embarrassing, LOUD, public, and there was always going to be a bad guy on any given day. If you had an opinion after 2:00 around her, it was you. The very wind would change direction when she would go quiet, focus her eyes on the target, and then all hell would break loose for hours. She would wake up the next day and act like nothing happened (if it was directed at immediate family).

        I thought it was her drinking! Everyone pandered to her in fear. Nobody defended the target, ever. I vowed never to teach my children that this behavior was normal. They were respectful of her and she adored them: nobody had better great-grandchildren than hers. We discussed the behavior with the kids, didn’t serve alcohol when she visited (she brought her own and drank alone). She had dementia when she died, and sometimes she fully believed events which never happened, with a fury, which was painfully sad to watch. She was quite alienated.

        It amazes me that you observed these behaviors with keen interest and studied them for your use. What do your doctors say about that? My reaction was the opposite, and I moved away as soon as I was old enough, to escape the control of them.

        1. malignnarc says:

          They are interested to know why I wanted to harness these powers rather than avoid them.

          1. becoming observant says:

            Me too!

            Was your uncle intentional with these outbursts? What were their parents like?

          2. malignnarc says:

            Oh he could not control himself, buthe intended the effect.Whose parents are you referring to? My uncle and mother’s parents?

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