A Madman’s Diary

 

 

I recently picked up a book that I had not read for many years. It is called A Madman’s Diary by Lu Xun. I have a translated copy. It is an interesting book and one which is rather relevant but that is not the purpose of mentioning it. It was, as I was leafing through to find a particular section, the place where a piece of neatly folded paper slipped from the pages of the book and nestled on the floor. Interested by this runaway piece of paper I set the book down and stooped to pick up the piece that lay beneath me. The paper was cream and of a decent weight and I smiled as I recognised where it had come from. It was the only thing that she had in common with my mother but she also knew the value of writing on a quality piece of paper. I unfolded it and there was my confirmation of the author as her neat, copperplate writing spread out before me. She always wrote with a fountain pen, a Mont Blanc and she kept a pot of ink at my house as she preferred to draw the ink from the pot into the pen rather than use the cartridges. I used to enjoy watching her as she carefully applied the nib to the dark liquid and then applied the mechanism to draw it up before cleaning off the oozing nib with a piece of blotting paper which soon became stained in a way not unlike the cover of the book which I had just put to one side. She used to hold up the blotting paper and invite me to comment on what I saw. I played along, since Rorschach was familiar to me. I always invented something spectacular though so she would comment and do so with her eyes with impressed admiration.

“I see a lion eating out a bison from behind,” I would say slowly and she would twist the blotting paper and peer at it to see if she accorded with my view.

“I see a crow stuck in the branches of a tree.”

“I see a dented crown.”

“I see a conflagration about a baby.”

“I see dumb people.”

Each time she filled her elegant writing instrument we would have this little game of me looking at the blotting paper, with its splodges, dots and streaks and without very little hesitation declare some imaginary image which left her both intrigued and confused. It must have been some time since I had last recalled us doing this together as her memory would rarely ever invade my consciousness and it would take something like this to restore that which had once been. I shoved it back into the depths of my memory where it was best kept.

Thus I turned to the letter and read its contents. It was her last letter to me. I think that is why I placed it in this book since I had been reading it at the time and I decided to use her letter as a bookmark rather than place it with all the others that I have received. This is what she wrote:-

“My dearest HG,

This is not some lengthy treatise. We have spoken for as long and as often as we could already and there is no need for repetition. I know I have offended you most gravely and  that is something I have never intended nor wished upon your gracious self. You have taught me many things and you set me higher than anyone else and for that you will always have my thanks and eternal gratitude. You truly are a prince amongst men and you always showed the grace of princes whenever you dealt with me. I think, more than anything else that it was your nobility, both in standing and purpose that drew me to you the closest. Even when you became both base and abominable you still exacted that majesty for which I have always loved you and I can only look to my own failings as to why you did as you did. I have issued a thousand sorrows for that which I did not do and that which I did not say. I offered you everything that I had but it was not enough and I remain ashamed of my failure, it is not something I often encounter. I think of you often and that will never change, I am sure of that. I remain willing to help you overcome those obstacles. I still regard them as surmountable and I am saddened that time was against us in terms of addressing them, but I remain hopeful that somehow we shall do so, in whatever form we decide and I will be by your side come what may. I will take this time you have designated as a sabbatical from you and I as one for reflection and improvement, you know how I am. Thank you for once again for our time in the sun, I know you have described it as no more than a howling wilderness and I would be lying if I said that such a description does not upset me. For me, it remains a place of safety and sanctuary and I firmly believe we can achieve it once again, should you decide to give me a further chance. I shall respect your request and not contact you again but I remain always open and amenable to you reaching out to me and indeed I would welcome it. All I ask now is for your forgiveness in the full knowledge that I deserve none.

Eternal love

C.”

As I read the letter once again a show reel of images filtered through my mind. Memories re-surfaced some of them not having been resurrected before. I felt those shared memories and those shared occasions stir something once again. In accordance with the recent instruction I have received I allowed this to wash over me, rather than reject it and lock it away again. The sensation flowed over me and it was familiar to me.  I recognised all those traits that had caused me to seek her out all that time ago. I recognised the feeling of the fuel that flowed from her. That was what I felt. This piece of correspondence, elegantly written and delicately composed encapsulated the powerful allure that we possess. I need not detail what I put her through once the golden period ended. You have you own experiences of that to draw on which will allow you to comprehend the brutality that such denigration exacted on someone who could write in such terms. Notwithstanding the cruelty and malice, her charity remained undiminished and stood as testament to the very things that I saw when our paths first crossed. This letter indeed reinforced what I knew. I was right. I folded it up and returned it to its rightful and appropriate place in the folds of the book once again, sealing it inside, placing her back in her tomb.

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67 thoughts on “A Madman’s Diary”

  1. I would guess reading this in a letter is less sweet than hearing/seeing it through choked sobs in person, but it is fuel nonetheless.

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    1. I don’t believe that letter was written by this woman. I think it’s a fiction. The style is too similar to yours. You have some little idiosyncrasies in your writing that are on display here.

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  2. Do you ever introduce women to your mother to intentionally tick your mother off (because you know mother will see her as unworthy of her golden boy) and humiliate your partner (because mother will not try hard to conceal her disdain)?

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  3. Sometimes the postings in this blog hit home pretty exactly of what my relationships have been. I need some time to reflect before commenting.
    All different people and at the end it seems like one relationship so it seems we all live the same.
    Last week, I decided to comment looking forward rather than looking backwards in my experiences, but this time I have to say I have to go back to the past because the posting reflects my last relationship which ended rather recently first days of 2016, so therefor I guess I have to go back in time.
    What most called my attention was that we had the same type of dynamics described above, not with a book but with something else, I would comment, he would comment , and so back and forth. This is one detail in common 🙂
    The second one :

    In December when it all happened, with my visitors and the preparationsfor celebration and the shopping etc, my attention ( fuel ) lowered and sadly I had to face some very painful comments which combined with all the information I had gotten with this blog for 2 months already, made me take the decision to end the relationship.
    So in the middle of an ocean of tears I asked for time and I was granted two days of peace and then contrary but at the same time similar to this posting I received from him, such a mail !! thanking me for all the sun, happy moments, that it would remain a sanctuary, etc etc. And yes, excuse me if I hurt your feelings but I am dissapointend that you did not speak to me before about your fears Take your time, I know you will not answer me but nevertheless I want to express this words,
    And these words from the posting …….. “ I shall respect your request and not contact you again but I remain always open and amenable to you reaching out to me and indeed I would welcome it” are more or less ditto, not so elegant but the same context.
    I did let the feelings flow through me as I read it, no fuel just inmense, profound, pain….
    I have not heard yet back from the other end of the world.
    Very good posting HG. Its fascinating how its all applied to real life, this is why you are the best school to learn not only on narcissims but on ourselves also. I have done a big job from reading you about myself analyzing the attitudes and thoughts I had at that time an event happened, and take out conclusions and learnings.
    Really good. You are better than any other author.

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  4. I had written such things a few times. I would get told he “tossed” them or never read them. He doesn’t do “sappy”. Two years into our on again off again relationship, I did send him quite an expensive gift when a big milestone happened in his life. We had had limited contact over a few months. I didn’t know what devalues / discards were. I knew it didn’t feel right though. I sent the gift with a very sweet good bye and good luck in all his future endeavors.
    His response to that, a few days after receiving it, either him or he was with a friend, texted to me to leave him alone. That she was his girlfriend and the one who has his heart and mind attached to her now. Then he texted several insults later in the night.
    A silent treatment followed for the next month. Then like nothing, he texted one day and I had been reeling from having such a nice gesture backfire and desperately wanted a good parting between us. He claimed he didn’t have a girlfriend and doesn’t now. And so forth for another year 1/2. It just shows what the gas lighting does to deplete your strength and logic.
    As far as your ” C”, I guess it’s nice to see after much time has passed, her memory brings along the good aspects and qualities. Like you said, I’m sure you doled out plenty of nastiness. Curious when a past girlfriend comes up like that, what makes you choose to Hoover and what makes you hold back? Does Kim factor in at all?

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      1. If “C” is no longer a viable fuel source for you, now and let’s say in the future, why not let her off the hook? Finally let her know she is a beautiful memory to you, and she doesn’t have to keep blaming herself? Give her some peace? It ultimately serves you in making her more pliable if you choose a Hoover maneuver at some point for fuel. If you choose not to, you’d still maintain ever presence. She’s never going to forget you after what she wrote.

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      2. Weak answer. Step outside your box and try it. I’m sure Dr. O & Dr. E would approve. Such an exercise would increase your awareness on your personal interactions.

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      3. Lolll, no, no you don’t. But sometimes your friends will try to challenge you to try something new if they think you have it in you.
        You sound like you’re arms crossed and pouting right now.

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      4. You never pout? Someone whose only emotions they feel are envy, fury and hate? I tend to think not!

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    1. That’s just rotten McaClarece. It’s just unbelievable a person can be so lacking in humanity. A kind, sweet gesture met with such ugliness can only be the actions of the disordered. I hope you acknowledge within yourself the good and decent person you are and recognize his poor behavior lands squarely on him. Trust me, mine did many similar things. The bottom line is they are always looking for ways to demonstrate how utterly meaningless we are to them. We get to finally believe it and moving forward recognize and appropriately respond (by removing the person from our life immediately) to these “telling” acts.

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      1. Isn’t it crazy how when you read someone else’s experience your knee-jerk reaction is “wtf, you don’t need that in your life”. I know I would counsel any friend or family member to get away from a person treating them like that. But when it is yourself, you think you somehow asked for it or believe when they say you are the delusional one and the “only person who brings out this side of them”. I got that one recently. Yay for me! In the year I spent in therapy, my therapist kept focusing on that I maybe hadn’t fully grieved the ending of my marriage. Possible contributor looking back and why I probably needed more validation at that time 3 years ago when I met my Narc but it was waaaaay more than lingering grief or not going through all the stages of that. lol

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      2. I also met my second N shortly after the end of a long marriage to a Narc. Led like a lamb to the slaughter. I had not really had time to grieve the end of the marriage but N2 showed up like a prescription from Above as EVERYTHING I wanted and had missed in my marriage. I was a prime target…extremely vulnerable to his machinations. You too?

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    2. Animals bare their teeth in fear (aggression is the result of feeling threatened of course) or submission.Our toothy smiles are derived from the need to signal benign intent.

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  5. My heart broke for C as I read her letter…still full of self blame. Made me very grateful that I got in a long, wordy, lengthy diatribe of a letter to my ex N blasting him for being a fraud and a taker. Even though my final goodbye had a more conciliatory tone where I expkained all the reasons I had loved him – much like C- I made it clear I was forgiving what he had done in spite of the fact he would never ask for forgiveness so that I could move on., I owned my part but refused to leave without him knowing that I know what he is.

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      1. The satisfaction of being in alignment with what I know to be true…that I had loved him deeply and he had abused that love and that no matter what flaws and insanity I brought to the table, nothing compares to the fraud he perpetrated. I handed him back all the blame he had tried to hand me and told him I did not accept his blame. I felt deeply satisfied that I was stepping off tge ️Merry go round and off the chessboard with more regard for my truth than his approval. I walked away with a clean conscience. After reading all what you have written, I understand he cares not and that everything I said was nothing but negative fuel to him. It doesn’t matter, My integrity is intact. That feels right to me. Why do you ask HG?

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      2. In response to you and Bethany, because it also simply feels good to get it out and not let it fester or transfer all that toxic energy on your support group around you! I get it doesn’t change or affect you except giving you negative fuel, but that’s exactly why you chose us. That’s your lifeline all that negative fuel. Because driving us to that point, gives you that false validation of being important and having value. That you have a forever member in Camp Tudor no matter what you put them through. Which you did / do have but not the way you could have once we see what really exists under the mask.

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    1. I did something similar recently, minus the warm words and attempt to try one last time to make him value what we had. Thanks to HG I knew it would only be fuel. Stating what he was (although I don’t think he even knows yet) gave me the ability to start no contact. I am glad it helped you as well.

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      1. Thats the only way! NC! Whenever I weaken and my cognitive dissonance rears up I repeat one word to myself to keep me on the straight and narrow: Integrity. If I were to contact him in any way, to expose myself for his view – my self respect would be gone. I lost it once, and by God I will never lose it again.

        Best wishes to you😊

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  6. When you ask those kind of questions I can always feel just enough cold detachment from you to wonder to what end you wish to know??? Kind of the tone that Hannibal Lechter took when asking Clarice all of those questions when visiting him at the asylum😀

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      1. Hello Bethany! Why do you think my screen name is Clarece? That is not my real name, although H.G. knows it. I told him from day one I viewed getting mentored by him as a Hannibal / Clarece type of interaction.
        Bethany, we have similar thought processes. Many times you ask something and I think “cool, she got it all down to him so I don’t have to”. Lol. I always follow your comments and H.G.’s responses to you closely.

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      1. Yes it is slang for oral sex Nikita. I might also be said in terms of consuming that person’s spirit and soul and it is was that which I was referring.

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      2. Not quite in the literal sense, no.while he doesn’t have a thirst for blood, he does for pain…specifically for the fuel it provides. Metaphorically speaking, and by his daily admissions, he rather enjoys eating our kind alive. In various ways. After all, there is more than one way to skin a cat!

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      3. Nikita lol, c’mon. We are only secondary sources in his world. He writes first hand about the acts he is 100% capable of with intimate partners and I’m left speechless many times. But at the end of the day, he puts his pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else.

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      4. HG is anyone and anything he chooses at any given time, MLA. I’m sure he has all the super powers he needs, and he continues to accumulate them from others as he sees fit.

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      5. Well no need anymore! I got my diving liscense and the love faded away. It was not real love. I even forgot totally about that guy. Girls always looking for heros but my hero was different. He could swim underwater. Nowadays I search to be my own hero 😃

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      6. Its all part of the healing journey that this blog and others authors have enabled ☀️.
        We all never hear completely but reach a state of recovered.

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      7. I know I have read the different confessions. Anyway I was not thinking about the acts.. I did not watch the complete movie, too much for me.. I just couldnt. But I do remember that I did watch a big piece and the guy sends shrivers down the spine. Those type of people you cant even be with in the same room as you feel the disturbing energy.
        This is not how I imagine HG. I imagine him like a charming, blue eyed brit, a person confortable to be around, funny, agreable… 🌔
        Its from my point of view at least

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      1. 😀

        Maybe your sense of smell is off?

        There is always the possibility that I know but enjoy letting you have your fuel. One must pick battles with your kind very carefully, yes?😉

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  7. I am ashamed to admit…I’ve written many a letter like C…..

    This was before I knew what these men were…..(female friends, too)
    I just never thought that men that had once loved me could turn on a dime without being provoked in some way…I couldn’t accept that my best friends that were like sisters had no heart or real love for me after all these years….

    I eventually worked these people out….but even when I KNEW about NPD, I never assumed that was the problem. Since less than 4% of the population has a cluster B personality disorder….I didn’t think my chances of knowing so many was possible. It IS possible.

    However, during the devaluation or ST…the N or sociopath will do that one thing…you know that ONE THING that is so horrible and cruel you can’t get your head around it. It doesn’t take long for this to surface…..and YOU KNOW IT’S THEM and not YOU!!!

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    1. I think it is higher than 4% T and bear in mind we are serial offenders so it is not like we have just one victim, so many people will be exposed to our manipulations from multiple partners, family, friends colleagues and so forth.

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      1. So true, HG!

        By the time that “one thing” exposes them…it’s too late. You’ve suffered so much abuse…..

        N3’s “one thing” was putting me on ignore/and silent treatment after my dad and stepmother died. I will never understand that….we had been civil before that…somewhat… It is true that I said that I didn’t think a full friendship was just yet possible….because sometimes he’d be dodgy in his communication with me. I thought it was because it was too hard to be my friend because he still loved me. I let him know I accepted the breakup…and wished him well…but unless we could work things out, it was best we not talk for a while….then my stepmom died. I felt obligated to tell him over the phone….he seemed fine at first….and then he promised to call that night to get details on arrangements….he never did. He then starting ignoring me….AT THAT TIME?! When I was mourning two deaths within 5 weeks of each other? I gave him every chance to fix things between us. I was willing to be just friends or try again. He NEVER ANSWERED ME….this was all his fault.

        He kicked me when I needed him the most….my father had always been my rock during hard times….he had just passed…I didn’t have my dad to lean on when my stepmom died. I needed a strong shoulder for a few days….and he just ignored me. I won’t EVER forget that.

        I am blessed to have other friends and family that were there for me….

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      2. Nikita, in all honesty….I don’t think he stopped and realized how poor the timing was for his attention seeking nonsense….he was just desperate for fuel. I had completely cut him off…and he KNEW how much I hated the silent treatment… In his mind… I would start chasing after him for answers…again…and he’d have his devaluation fuel. However, all he did was hurt me, and this pushed me to the point where I didn’t give a damn about the future of our relationship anymore. Period. I never stopped loving him….but I can NEVER be with a man so cruel…..He only saw and cared how HE was affected by things….he couldn’t care less that I was dealing with so much….he only wanted to “punish” me for not playing his childish games and demanding equal and fair treatment. I wouldn’t have ever severed our friendship had he treated me with the same respect he always had before. Friends treat each other with respect. They want to work things out if there is problems. N3 saw how I temporarily went bananas when subjected to his minds games post breakup….the silence broke my heart…and he ignored me for 6 straight weeks!!! All I wanted was some answers. He finally gave them to me….and I moved on. I stopped calling….he begged to be friends….I tried….he stared more mind games…

        Ain’t nobody got time for that.

        I don’t let anybody disrespect me. Friend or lover. He overplayed his hand with me….and now he’s calling and hanging up…whatever….

        He lost the best relationship and woman he ever had….and I think he realizes that now. However….I’ll never speak to him again-ever!

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    2. It would seem the stats would be 44% of the population after finding this and hearing everyone else’s story!

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  8. T, when reading your posts it is you that I worry about the most! You dear one try to find the good in everyone and that is wonderful but it also leaves you wide open for the predator that all of us on this post now know about! As much as you would like to think that your x now realizes how great you and the relationship was he doesn’t sweetie he only cares about one thing FUEL! Please be safe out there T. Bless you.

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    1. Dear Fool me,

      I appreciate your kind words and thoughts❤️.
      I can’t tell you how much they mean to me…..
      However, I am okay….really.

      I’m aware my empathetic personality attracts predators….and from now on….I am ready for them. I wish I could change the past….because N3 (and the others), always gave themselves away long before they hurt me…and I have to accept the fact I turned a blind eye to the red flags….and the black flags. I even hid these flags from my friends and family because I knew they’d make me break up with him…

      You’re right about me only seeing the good in others….this trait drove our parents crazy! Lol!
      AND they raised us to be this way….and I am glad they did. I’ve learned some hard lessons dealing with so many N’s. However, had I walked away when I KNEW I should have. I wouldn’t been hurt.

      I’m glad N3 was totally cruel in the end…..because if he had not been…..I’d still be ensnared by him….believing his pity stories to excuse his abuse….

      I got off cheap with him! His ex wasted 6 years of her life with him… I wasted 6 months and another 4 getting over it….

      I proud to say that I’ll never be hoovered back….and I am screening my online dates thoroughly before accepting a date.

      I won’t be fooled again❤️

      *hugs*

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  9. “In accordance with the recent instruction I have received I allowed this to wash over me, rather than reject it and lock it away again.”

    Admire your willingness to try something unfamiliar, rather than to act upon more long-standing reflexive pattern of behavior. Courageous.

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