In the End it Has to Hurt

By now you all know that I am driven by the hunger that rages within me as I must seek out fuel to feed the beast. To begin with, my fuel comes from the compliments and admiration you send my way during our golden period. Yes, that blissful, wonderful time when everything tastes better, smells more fragrant, looks brighter and sounds sharper. I was asked why can I not contain my need for fuel to receiving admiration and plaudits? Why must I embark on such a destructive course which brings mayhem to everyone around me. Why must it hurt so much? A fair question.

In my case, there are two reasons for this. The first brings forth that old adage of familiarity breeds contempt. Imagine that strawberry is your favourite flavour of ice-cream. I bring you a large strawberry ice cream in a sugar cone. You take a lick and it is delicious. So fresh tasting, so creamy and there are even little pieces of strawberry contained inside of it. It simply is the most sumptuous ice cream you have ever introduced to your taste buds. These strawberries have been grown in God’s garden, tended to by angels and grown with the purest water, the most fertile soil and vibrant sunshine. The milk has been taken from cows which graze on nothing but the most verdant grass, free from pollution and contamination. In fact, every ingredient that has been used in the creation of this magnificent iced confection is the best and perfect. Not only that, it has been crafted by the Supreme High Creator of Gelatos. I bring you a second one. Why not? This is an ice cream fit for champions. You eat this second one but by now you are feeling full. I bring a third, the taste is still great but not as good. Now I give you the good news that you are eating strawberry ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner and nothing else. Soon, the amazing taste of the ice cream no longer brings you pleasure. In fact, you start to dread the sight of the ice cream as it is brought to you and then it makes you angry that you have to eat it. You are sick of it now, it has lost its allure.

This is what happens to me. It always happens. Since I am wired to seek out instant gratification, even the most wonderful sensations soon pale to me. I am not built for the long-term, I have no desire for longevity. If it was me eating the ice cream, I need to go and seek out mint choc chip or even vanilla or perhaps a juicy steak instead. I need something different in order to give me that hit. Why not then just leave the strawberry ice cream alone and seek out that new taste sensation, why do I have to subject the ice cream to a campaign of savage and nasty behaviour. One reason is that since I have invested so much energy in securing all that strawberry ice cream I am not going to let it go. I need to treat it differently and thus generate a break from its taste. With you, I need to have a break from the now stale praise and admiration you provide to me. It just does not do it for me. Similarly, I have invested energy in ensnaring you and I do not want to let you go. I have to treat you differently to change the dynamic. I need to keep you around so I embark on a confusing campaign that means you cling tighter to me. I will of course be seeking out new admiration from new sources. There are so many flavours for me to taste. You were once shiny and new. Not any longer. Someone else is shinier and newer.

I will return to you, like I will return to the strawberry ice cream. I have forgotten how it sickened me so I will eat it again and wow, it tastes good. Similarly, I will grant you a short return to the golden period. You lavish me with praise and love borne out of relief and I enjoy it. The law of diminishing returns applies however and soon I tire of your admiration as I tire of the strawberry ice cream and once again I must take a break from it, whilst never actually severing ties with you or giving away the ice cream. Back and forth I will go, occasionally being good to you to receive your admiration as I occasionally have a scoop of the strawberry ice cream. Thus this familiarity and unwillingness to let you go means that I have to treat you badly in order to resurrect the positive fuel on an infrequent basis whilst drawing on the negative fuel to provide the contrast.

I mentioned two reasons. The second reason arises from occasional glimpses of reality. For the most part we dwell in our false construct that we have dragged you into. You may achieve something or a colleague may secure a new contract or we notice a friend purchase a flash, new car. This provides us with a painful reminder of our own limitations and our hatred of the limelight being moved elsewhere, however temporary. In such a case we have to lash out. We must denigrate, despise and demean in order to create that contrast again, we make you look bad and we look good. By putting you down, or the friend or the colleague we feel powerful and in control again. The horrible sensation vanishes. On these occasions, envy and fear drives us to be horrible to you. We have to do it to make ourselves look superior in comparison.

In both instances we need to provide a contrast in order to maintain our fuel. Thus, all cannot be rosy in the garden, we need to spray the weed killer over the flowers you have grown to ensure we receive the fuel that is our primary aim in life.

100 thoughts on “In the End it Has to Hurt

  1. Johanna says:

    First time I am posting. I have been reading everything when I have a chance. After educating myself on narcissistic abuse, I realize there is a deep spiritual component. Some may or may not agree with me. There is also the problem of traits. Many narcopaths are highly intelligent, who enjoy good debates (when it suits them of course) and any kind of topic that may be intriguing. I have always gravitated toward highly intelligent men….not necessary what many women would typically consider highly intelligent. He may be a blue collar worker, but very well versed in literature, philosophy, one-world gov’t conspiracy theories, and all that good stuff. I never considered a wealthy man as necessarily desirable. Some women do.
    I actually wanted to post some of my personal info for those women who have been duped. In my case, I was not discarded. I was a necessary part of narc number 2’s life. (there was a number 1 as well, but he was a different type of sociopath–another story) He dropped everything to be with me. Not that he had that much to begin with. But he mirrored me very well. In almost all ways. He even converted to my traditional Latin rite Catholic faith. But there was something very evil about this man, that would take too long to discuss here. There were occurrences. That cannot be explained. In some ways, I believe he was possessed. Not saying that because of my faith. Just due to the evidence.
    In short, he was finally arrested after I told him for the second time, I wanted him out of my life. He was chaotic and controlling and would not cease contact. He went berserk when I said NO and was thrown in jail for a short time. He is now doing probation for harassment and has a criminal record for terrorizing me and my family. Sometimes, there is no choice for them but to put the brakes on for a time. Not to say that it is over. He was ordered to stay away, but I will always be vigilant regardless. If anyone would like to share personal stories, I would be happy to do so. Let me know, and we can exchange info. Many thanks.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Johanna,

      It is not compassion. It is a desire to be the number one resource for information on this topic and telling you the reality of how it is, not how others perceive it to be or guess at. I derive a perverse delight in weaponising empaths to go into battle on a global scale.

      1. MetaMorph says:

        HG, I am not sure what you are commenting on because my post above was totally different than what your answer entailed. I think you were answering a question I had somewhere else about why you do what you do for the empaths? I understand you want to be the best source for this information. The battle that you wish to witness will be a spiritual one indeed, regardless of what you or any other narc thinks.

  2. Cody says:

    Dead. Hoping not hara-kiri?

    1. malignnarc says:

      Yes, dead.

      1. Cody says:

        No comment as to the cause?
        Did she pull a Madame Butterfly?

  3. Cody says:

    Surprised no one has asked yet, but what did the one who was “scratched from the list” do to be so deserving of the scratch?

    1. malignnarc says:


      1. mlaclarece says:

        They all “failed”. I’m relieved the answer wasn’t due to death.

      2. Cody says:

        In other words, she failed to break No Contact and resisted all hoovering attempts?

        1. malignnarc says:

          No, she failed to provide any fuel because she no longer could do so.

      3. nikitalondon says:

        Failed how? I guess not only failed to provide fuel… Must be something in addition.

  4. Cody says:

    HG, will a narc ever contact former fuel completely out of the blue if that old fuel has not made a single attempt to get in touch? Or does old fuel need to provide “an opportunity”, as you put it, such as a “Happy Bday!” text or a like on a FB post – some signal that she is ripe for a hoover?

    1. malignnarc says:

      Yes. If there is a means of getting in touch then that opportunity will be taken. It is usually the case that technology enables us to achieve this. It may be as simple as a “like” on a FB post, a text message or a telephone call where nothing is said. There are two factors in play. If you move near the N’s sphere of influence, e.g. you contact him or you attend an event where he will be, you canexpect a hoover because it is too good a chance to resist. The second is where you do not go near the N but he still has a means of contacting you – maybe turning up at your door or messaging you. The latter tends to happens only when something prompts it – a mutual friend may have mentioned you, it is your birthday, our anniversary and such like. That reminder prompts us to try and contact you and if there is an avenue to do so we will take it. In the first instance you move into our sights, in the second we are reminded to train our sights on you. Of course if we have no means of contacting you then the reminder is redundant.

  5. MLA, sorry here’s the link

  6. mlaclarece says:

    I hate that he didn’t think my spirit was worth keeping around. So yes, right now that hate, makes me not hesitate to fight so to speak. But I hear you CE. No worries for now. He’s staying away. I’m still convinced he’s done for good so it should not be an issue anyways.

    1. MLA,
      Ensure all contingencies are in place…to be sure, to be sure! It takes little from them as they know exactly how to push our buttons and no circular argument was ever really won before so we simply get right back on; fuelled by our hurt.
      Id say one day at a time, but its often much more often than that we need our reinforcements to support us. One moment at a time. You’re stronger than you’ll ever know…look what you’ve endured. Have a look at this. It gave me some “food for thought” I’ve posted it before, but not sure if you’ve seen it.😊

      1. Oh and I believe he knows your spirit is worth keeping around. He just needs you to know your place a little more and pander to him. He’s making you hungry for him once more. (Just like HG said he loves his “strawberry ice cream” etc)

        1. mlaclarece says:

          How do you even know my spirit is worth keeping around? It’s like you’ve picked up on some mental telepathy with your advice coming timely for me to have my defences up and make wise choices. Next Thurs I have a formal function to attend where 2-3 of his lieutenants will be at – maybe 5% chance he may make an appearance.
          You’ve been so kind, but why the special interest in me? Do I just ask H.G. a lot of things of interest to you too?

          1. Hi MLA 😊
            (Sorry if this is scattered, I’m trying to reply asap and have much multi tasking happening here!)
            In response to your post…
            I find this a strange question, but I see that your ex, truly has done a number on you, hasn’t he!
            Your spirit is so very present in every post you make. I’m saddened to see that you have been affected so badly that you question that. I guess, I see why you are doing so with everyone now though; it’s most understandable.

            I am an empath. I simply feel it. I feel your pain, your frustration, your fear and your hurt. I’m sure your fear is more about you possibly not honouring yourself, than anything he could do further. You have given and continue to mentally and emotionally give away, so much of yourself, in your quest for peace, within this relationship. You are powerfully emotional and very passionate. Your ex loves this. He counts on it.
            Unless you are a master manipulator yourself MLA (and so have fooled me too…I doubt it) you can clearly see your lovely spirit. 😊

            I’m beginning to think I have never NOT seen “them”; N’s that is . I’ve just been much more comfortable with them in my life than others, that are so called healthy boundaried individuals. It is my normal. I’ve always felt alien in my world. I’m not so comfortable out of it either though.
            My feelings extend deeply to others, and are often times, almost, taken over by them. This has been a life long habit, and as a result, I have become invisible even to myself.
            I feel their many emotions and their continual struggle to control them. I’m not saying, you are as conditioned as I am, in this regard, just that it’s what we do. Perhaps, thankfully, not so dysfunctional as I am. We are nevertheless an open book.
            In any case, we feel and we give deeply. We need to understand and help heal others. Healthy empaths, particularly, need to feel whole, as they honour themselves alot better, normally, than co dependents. Our actions are in essence about love and compassion and we struggle, when we feel we have failed. We often accept blame when it is given to us, and reflect deeply on it; til we cannot live with this lie. We try to reason, to alter the path we have taken, and right the wrongs/unease of our lives with others. Even when we are eventually shown, we could have not done differently, and that some people just can’t be helped. Our truest nature struggles with this at the very core of our being. Our upbringing has alot to do with our depth of empathy too. We question everything from then on, but mostly ourselves. Some of us have been designed to have a self love deficit, that I speak of. So have much more difficulty coping with the reality of giving up and walking away, from something that should be so, “easily fixed”.

            This notion that many of us are told, that we lack or disappoint others repeatedly, and so, are not worthy, due to our apparent lack of love, trust and support, is simply something we cannot bare. It affects our self worth beyond measure (the gaslighting, triangulation etc only cements our doubt further, until we feel little, but needy failures. Ever longing to prove ourselves and be validated)

            I can feel your absolute, inner anguish at times, in your need to understand, MLA. This has been me for most of my life. The fact that he effects you so badly, and that you search for logic with all that you have and all that you are, about someone you so clearly cherished, speaks volumes about you. You are indeed, as you have said jokingly to HG; potent fuel. This is very apparent by your questions and determination to understand and help yourself to let go…not before checking and rechecking that there is absolutely, no chance that you are giving up someone, who merely has some issues that need addressing in order to be together, if you so choose, or to severe ties healthily. I dare say, in order to alleviate the many forms of nagging guilt, he has placed on you via his conditioning.

            Empaths don’t want to give up. We strive for the truth and closure sure, but we like to know that we have done all that we can to fix someone or something; especially if dear to us, and in many cases, if not. The more you fight for truth and a sense of justice and them showing some common decency towards us, the more of ourselves we give away… They play on this and so can torture us beyond our own understanding. HG will help you to navigate your desire to have your say, to alleviate the need to stand up and be counted; if you will. He gains much insight from your honesty, emotion and wholehearted perception; so it is a win/win.
            Don’t openly trust those that know your ex; ever. Best to be relatively “gray rock” in your approach with most others. Save your sharing for those that do not have an agenda that is not in your best interest.

            I have no idea, why I feel compelled to reach out to anyone, at any given time. I just feel I need to and write or in person, I speak with them. I do not need to know them. Such is my way.
            Enjoy your event and be as patient with yourself and allow yourself to be as strong as you truly are. 💪❤

          2. mlaclarece says:

            I again am deeply touched by your personal interest in me, reaching out and being so kind and sensitive towards me. What can I say…I was brought up strict Catholic, so pain, suffering and enduring (or “endurism”) is status quo. Lol
            I relate, identify and agree with most everything you said. I never quite realized so much was pouring out of my messages as I figured just H.G. was mostly paying attention. Lol
            I do think the interaction with H.G. as been mutually beneficial so far!!
            I seem to be slowly connecting the dots that my husband who I met in college and was married to for 17 yrs has way more of the lower victim Narc traits than I could ever have realized on my own. So coming to terms that like you, my whole adult life I’ve pretty much just been around Narcs making it my normal existence just plain freaks me out.
            I did cherish JN though. I believe he doesn’t value or count on any emotion / passion from me. As H.G. says Narcs become revolted by the person they were with and agitated for feeling anything towards them because they find them weak and pathetic. That’s where mine sits right now.
            As far as the function this Thurs where I will see the lieutenants, I am pulling a total Carrie Bradshaw…as in dressed to the nines in designer blue dress to match my eyes, heels, and I plan to be friendly, flirty and fabulous!
            You made my day though! Thank you!

          3. Enjoy and find your kind of happy 😊

          4. Hi MLA,
            I watched this tonight and thought of you. (It applies to us all here; except HG…only as, he doesn’t need any help healing, and his life is exactly as he wants it; he’s got it all covered 😉)

            Please try to make some time (get a few sheets of paper and pen) and watch this. It goes for 13.5 mins, but needs some more time for a writing exercise, that it contains.
            Perhaps you could make time for it in the next few days, before you get ready for your upcoming “sex and the city” event! It might even make you sparkle a little more ❤

          5. mlaclarece says:

            Thank you CE! I took a night off from Narc world to go to a movie. Lol I will watch soon and let you know my thoughts. Enjoy your night (or morning). Hugs!

          6. malignnarc says:

            What did you watch?

          7. mlaclarece says:

            “The Huntsman: Winter’s War.” It was alright. Another movie I watched this weekend was “The Big Short” about the lead up to the housing bubble bursting and crash in 2008. Blew me away. It should have won more awards than it did.

          8. malignnarc says:

            I have yet to see The Big Short but I would like to as firstly the subject matters interests me and secondly because Christian Bale is in it and he is a brilliant actor.

          9. mlaclarece says:

            This is probably some of Christian Bale’s finest work! You must see this soon!!! Fantastic!

          10. Hi MLA 😊,
            Hope you enjoyed it! Embrace the calm of your “night off”.
            Its night here now and its been a long, exhausting, yet productive day. Can’t wait for sleep to take me away…
            Hugs returned! (Lol, I just pictured HG somewhat disgusted by our emotional exchanges…especially hugs!)
            Take care ❤

          11. mlaclarece says:

            He’d be happy if we hugged and made an H.G. sandwich with him in the middle!

          12. Sorry MLA,
            I think I forgot to include the link AGAIN!
            Here it is…

          13. Hi HG,
            Just wanted to say thank you for all the insights into your world that you have shared. I’m taking a break from “school”; not normal for me, but, I think I just need this.
            I know this may sound silly, but you have more true beauty inside you than you think.
            I hope you find the love your searching for, perhaps then you will unlock your own. I know what you’ve said. I truly listened, and I heard you. We’ll just have to agree to disagree on some things…
            Continue to inspire and learn from the lovely folk here…they too, have much insight to share that’s worth hearing and above all, are very real.

            Hey MLA 😊
            Im taking a self imposed break from wordpress.
            Hope you enjoy yourself on thursday! Best of luck. Be true to yourself 💪❤🌹

            Bye and Thanks to everyone here. All the best with your healing. Continue to lean on each other ❤😎

          14. malignnarc says:

            Thank you and thank you for your contributions.

          15. Be it what they were… 😉

          16. nikitalondon says:

            i hate goodbyes 😢

          17. mlaclarece says:

            Especially this goodbye!

          18. nikitalondon says:

            All long term goodbyes…

          19. nikitalondon says:

            Good bye CE 🎈🎈🎈
            Good luck 🌹

          20. mlaclarece says:

            Thank you so much for your consideration to my situation and being so supportive. You have a beautiful soul. Check in from time to time. You will be missed!

  7. And in case it was not clear…continuing the “dance” may very well destroy your spirit beyond repair. And it’s a spirit well worth fighting to keep!…just not with him or his flying monkeys.

  8. MLA,
    Feeling angry because you have been wronged is healthy (especially if you have felt immense guilt as you were ultimately blamed and shamed for “it” all)
    When you have reached a place where the wrong no longer affects you in any way; the anger will fade.
    No contact allows this to occur.
    At this point, please do not allow the situation to reoccur, as this is the point when N’s seem to magically appear; as if possessing a sixth sense for your renewed emotional strength and often along with it your returned sense of compassion for others.
    Remember you have the choice now. You are, and still, will always be much better off without him dearest lady. ❤

    1. mlaclarece says:

      In fairness you were very amenable to that! Lol

    2. mlaclarece says:

      CE, you are so very sweet and almost protective towards me. I definitely hear your words. I know I am at a point I will not reach out to him, but my anger and emotions are still raw enough it will take tons of restraint for me to not lash out if he hoovers again. Which H.G. is convinced will happen based on him knowing verbiage from last exchange. So, I hate feeling like I’m sleeping with one eye open over time. But reassurances from you, H.G. and others here, I am so grateful for because it does help build up my confidence and mental clarity. My sense of humor is def coming back!

      1. Good to hear. I can see your nature is to fight for what you believe in. I can only say one thing that I know to be absolute truth. Believe in you enough to not bother and break the cycle. Nothing you can say or do will ever alter him, nor you; unless you continue the dance. I’m glad you found HG and us all ❤

  9. notquiteanarc says:

    I got disgusted enough 2 nights ago to tell N I’m done for good. He started with his typical stalker threats, he’s coming to see me regardless, etc.. I then threatened to tell his fiance if he doesn’t leave me alone. He went on a major tyrade and attempted to insult me in every way imaginable, of course I threw some good ones back at him. He then turned it around as if it was his idea for us to stop all contact and told me to never message him again. So my question is, should I expect another hoover or am I finally rid of him?

    1. malignnarc says:

      Oh he’s not gone. You may have repelled him but he will be back. Look to your defences. Have a read of Black Hole if you haven’t done so already. You will be being smeared at present by the way.

      1. notquiteanarc says:

        The only thing I have going for me in terms of not being smeared is that he is engaged and wouldn’t want his fiancé to get wind that we’ve continued contact. We also share no mutual friends so I’m not too concerned about a smear campaign. I just want him gone and was actually hopeful that maybe this time he will stay away for good since he said he’s done.

        1. malignnarc says:

          Understood, he may still smear you by denying you have had contact and that you are obsessed with him and won’t leave him along, in case you choose to say something. When he said that he is done, he means for now.

          1. notquiteanarc says:

            You were correct as usual. It was only a 4 day silent treatment and this morning at 6:30am he messaged me “on my way up.” Which was a threat to come to my home. I have gone NC, so I did not reply and he did not make good on hus threat. I really can’t believe his gull after the terrible things he said to me! Smdh

      2. mlaclarece says:

        But maybe he is really gone? A couple of the readers have said that a few to several years have gone by without hearing from their Narc and they know they are in new relationships. On the surface, it would just appear that each person has moved on and assimilated in their current life with their current partner.
        Have you actually hoovered every single one of your exes at some point? Going back to University days even? I am sure you have officially scratched off your list several that you will never return to. It does have to have a finite ending at some point.
        @Notquitenarc – I had a similar heated exchange with mine a few weeks ago so I always tend to think when someone says “Goodbye for good” or “Do not contact me anymore” or “leave me alone”, I take that at face value. I typically mean it when I say it. lol
        On a side note, a close friend shared parts of an article she read a while back talking about why exes in general reappear and it had to do with there just being a comfort level and familiarity of being with someone who already knows you and your past without have to re-create the wheel and start fresh with someone new.
        H.G. is that another angle on hoovering past intimate partners? The familiarity of knowing what makes them tick and it conserves energy?

        1. malignnarc says:

          Hi MLA, we are never really gone. We will always look to hoover and extract some more fuel from you. Much depends on the type of narcissist you are involved with, their energy levels and then how you go about staying out of our sphere of influence. The ones which appear to have disappeared do so because they are tucked into a new and easier target and the predecessor is staying out of range. The range varies on the extent of your NC and our energy. Stay out of our sphere of influence and prevent any means of contact and it does indeed seem like we have disappeared because we cannot reach you, but give us an opportunity and we will take it.
          Let’s liken it to some delicious freshly-baked cookies since they are fresh in the mind at present. Put a plate of them right in front of you and more likely than not you will eat one or more. Now if you do not see any cookies, nobody mentions the cookies and you cannot smell the cookies you are unlikely to want them. You will go an eat the apple pie placed in front of you instead. Let’s say there is an apple pie in front of you and some cookies across the way. You go for the pie as it is nearer. You might go for the cookies as well but it depends on how hungry/greedy you are and how easy they are to get to. If there is no pie and the cookies are just in another room, you will got for the cookies. No pie and the cookies are down the street, you may still go after the cookies. No pie and the cookies are in another country, you will go to the shop and buy some different cookies. All through this you still like cookies, you will still eat them but whether you can depends on how near they are, how hungry they are, how bothered you can be to get them and whether there is a different food source to hand. Accordingly, we will still always want to take fuel from you, but whether we can depends on how close you are, how hungry we are for your fuel, how much energy we will use to get your fuel and whether there is some other fuel closer and easier to get.
          I have hoovered everyone who I have first entangled with.
          There is only one who is scratched from my list. All the others will remain potential hoover targets subject to the factors that I have mentioned.
          Dealing with you final question – absolutely the case. We know you and also the mixture has been planted inside of you.

          1. Hi MLA,
            I have known it to be as long as 10 years apart and a successful primary source was regained. And the original relationship was quite long term. Many factors contribute and each couple’s dynamic is the same, yet can be very different. You hold the choice in any case. You are the adult and so make the choices in your world. There is always consequences for making changes/choices and equally for not doing so. You have to decide whether you are willing to accept the consequences of your actions; either way. Sometimes the difficulty lies in one being so manipulated to the point of near insanity, that they simply can’t see the point to continuing without them. Their self esteem is damaged. This is where they need much support to escape and stay gone in a healthy way.
            If one is lucky enough to have escaped or been discarded and has their wits about them enough to see they are better off, then they can create their own happiness and, in time, true freedom.
            All that you wrote, in reference to being forever possible supply, in response to MLA, is all completely understandable and what I have seen/experienced… (actually, I’m curious why you call her MLA now and not Clarece anymore…hmm) Anyhow, I’m still not sure what constitutes a removal from an N’s world…to be scratched. I have not ever seen such an occurence. The only way I have seen that they stay out of one’s life, is because we won’t facilitate it in anyway. Totally wipe the slate clean of them in our universe.
            Can you please give some examples? No need to divulge your own reason, in your specific case, if unwilling.

          2. malignnarc says:

            MLA is quicker to type. Nothing turns on it CE (which incidentally is even quicker to type).
            If you try to stay away from us we do not regard that as you being scratched from our list. There is always the potential to hoover you.
            The only reason why somebody would be scratched is if they are unable to provide fuel. I think you understand what I mean.

          3. Sure. I just wondered as you both created her title and now didn’t use it.
            I realized that about me.
            I always knew our self imposed distance, was never a true deterent for your kind.
            I’m guessing I do. Never sure it’s appropriate to guess with your kind, but okay.

          4. malignnarc says:

            In fairness, she selected it herself but it is rather apt.

          5. mlaclarece says:

            In fairness you were very amenable to that! Lol

          6. mlaclarece says:

            H.G. sometimes calls me MLA as it is the first 3 letters in my blog name and it helps him conserve his energy when he has a lot to write. So I’ve been told. Pretty basic.

          7. I guessed that, most others do too, but I just wondered why the change. He enlightened me that as such. He shortened most people’s also. They never had a nickname before though.
            All good. It’s about the content of his reply or the fact that he bothered to that is most important I guess 😊

          8. mlaclarece says:

            Sorry for the delay in responding to this. I appreciated such a lengthy, well thought out explanation and wanted to give a little time to let this marinate in the brain.
            I would think with your cookie analogy for me, although you once loved the cookies and you say due to how far out of reach and how much energy to make that reach happen would be the deciding factor on if a hoover is pursued, I do see your logic. I guess I am finally processing how my logic to it does not apply to your thinking. To me, yes you once loved my cookies (just like my strawberry ice cream), but then I was devalued and discarded by you. In my logic, it’s like my cookies suddenly made you horrifically sick with food poisoning never to be touched or looked at again. I know the few foods in my life that I got food poisoning from, I have never returned to. I don’t even remember what I liked about them before them making me sick. All I remember now is the nasty bile taste left in my mouth after my insides felt like they were crashing in on me. It makes me wonder why anyone else could even possibly be tempted to take a taste of that food.
            So yes, definitely two intelligent brains having a completely different way of processing.
            You confirm again, you will always hoover and that was very interesting to me to hear every single partner has been hoovered by you. I think I can guess which one is officially scratched off but I won’t say right now.
            Yes, you imprinted us with your mixture inside of us. But I think this answer of yours more than any other shows you really are addicted to each one you attach to like this. We forever mark you too, which is why the dance could go on endlessly. Your subconscious desperately wants our love and approval of you no matter what.

  10. Angel of Mercy says:

    Quite a difficult disorder to comprehend! Thank you for your posts they’re a great reminder not to answer my phone!

    1. malignnarc says:

      Hello Angel of Mercy, indeed it is. Explaining it from my point of view will bring understanding. You won’t like it but you will appreciate the insight. Still hovering is he/she? Great name by the way, I go by that name myself at weekends.

  11. Cody says:

    HG, I would be shocked – shocked! – if you had never listened to Styx.

    1. malignnarc says:

      I know the river and its ferryman.

      1. Cody says:

        I bet you do, Mr. Roboto.

        1. nikitalondon says:

          This song was top 10 when I was a kid.

    2. nikitalondon says:

      Ohhh yes Mr Robotto ❤️❤️

    3. T says:

      Styx? Blast from the past…

  12. Familiarity DOES breed contempt. I can’t stand routine and I don’t function well doing the same things, seeing the same people, screwing the same men, day in and day out.

    I crave variety and adventure. Sometimes I crave chaos, which is another reason I love my N friends who much – they have an over-abundance of chaos to create and share!

    I’ve been known to start fights or get bitchy when I get bored. Why? Because it livens things up. Not really so I can eat someone’s soul, just to make things more interesting.

  13. nikitalondon says:

    ain gives away pain and love gives away love. With my love I can make your pain smaller.
    I will feel your pain and feel what you need to sooth it, and transform it in the needed and appropriate, words, looks or action that will give you my love in form of admiration of all those wonderful qualities you have, because you are like the unique and inspiring beauty of the bright side of the moon 🌔. A dark and a bright side. Understanding your pain is accepting your dark side. This will also give you security and closeness to know you are admired and loved for who you are and not for who you pretend to be. The dark side like this will bring the bright side which will be a mixture of me feeling through you your brightness and you reflecting me.
    I Will feel where you vibrate, similar to our happiness, and breathe and ne by your side in those few moments, when you can forget the wounds of the past and just live the present with what it is offering you and that feeling of ease will help reinforce your construct.
    Agreeing to your ideas and seeing both my way and your way of feeling and seeing life we that we can have all the range of flavors so that it stays just between you and me.

    1. Hmmm….HG is sounds like Nikita is offering that unconditional love Dr O mentioned in one of your sessions.

      1. malignnarc says:

        I suspect she is, she is that kind of person.

        1. nikitalondon says:

          Love you for who you are. ❤️. Its so real and gives a sense to love.❤️

  14. bethany7337 says:

    You said you don’t do vanilla ice cream. I guess only when you’re triangulating the strawberry😀

    1. malignnarc says:


  15. nikitalondon says:

    Pain gives away pain and love gives away love. With my love I can make my pain smaller.
    I will feel your pain and feel what you need to sooth it, and transform it in the needed and appropriate, words, looks or action that will give you my love in form of admiration of all those wonderful qualities you have, because you are like the unique and inspiring beauty of the bright side of the moon 🌔. A dark and a bright side. Understanding your pain is accepting your dark side. This will also give you security and closeness to know you are admired and loved for who you are and not for who you pretend to be. The dark side like this will bring the bright side which will be a mixture of me feeling through you your brightness and you reflecting me.
    I Will feel where you vibrate, similar to our happiness, and breathe and ne by your side in those few moments, when you can forget the wounds of the past and just live the present with what it is offering you and that feeling of ease will help reinforce your construct.
    Agreeing to your ideas and seeing both my way and your way of feeling and seeing life we that we can have all the range of flavors so that it stays just between you and me.

  16. T says:

    Strange highs and strange lows
    That’s how my love goes
    Will you give it to me
    Will you take the pain
    I will give to you
    Again and again
    And will you return it…..’

    1. malignnarc says:

      One of my favourite songs from one of my favourites albums. Released 27th April 1987. The opening of the Highjack mmix still reminds me of the opportunities.

      1. T says:

        I ❤️ DM…..

  17. catchmeifucan says:

    Thank you, I get it now!! I’ve desperately wanted to cling to just the sexual relationship but it could never be just that. I always had to get a whopping dose of dooshbag along with it. Now I see why….im strawberry!!!!

    1. malignnarc says:


  18. Sounds a bit asshole-ish.

    1. malignnarc says:

      Only -ish? I must try harder.

        1. malignnarc says:

          Hello PD, I must what?

          1. Try harder to get to asshole status. Since obviously being asshole- ish isn’t good enough for you.

          2. malignnarc says:

            Ha ha, but of course PD, anything to please you, I would do anything for you.

  19. Cody says:

    HG, do the golden periods for a fuel
    source get shorter – meaning the devaluations come quicker – each time?

    1. malignnarc says:

      There are two ways of answering this Cody.
      There is the initial golden period which only ever lasts once. This is usually months though it can stretch to over a year. Then devaluation follows. The length of the IGP will vary from victim to victim even with the same N.
      There is also the reinstated golden period which is provided during a period of respite. This takes place during the devaluation. Accordingly you have the IGP, then devaluation, a RGP, more devaluation, another RGP, more devaluation and so on. The length of the RGP varies. It might be a few days one time and then a few weeks the next. It would be unusual for a RGP to last more than a few weeks but it is not the case that the RGP must always get shorter each time with the same victim.

      1. Cody says:

        Domo arigato, Sensei.

        1. malignnarc says:

          Does that mean if it moves f**k it?

          1. I think that was Cody’s way of respectfully presenting her kind of apple to her teacher…
            Interesting response

          2. malignnarc says:

            I see what you did there CE. That was most interesting.

          3. Lol and I wouldn’t expect any less

  20. Cara says:

    Nothing breeds contempt like familiarity. My father said it of me and a cousin I was close with & competitive with (to the point of hatefulness & spite) by turns. She and I grew up ’round the corner from each other & in each other’s business. I haven’t seen or spoken to her in 10 years (she now lives 14 blocks away), and I miss her and/or wish her dead in hell, depending on my mood.

    1. malignnarc says:

      Were you naturally competitive with one another or was it engineered?

      1. Cara says:

        I don’t remember. We were 6 months apart in age. There’s a picture of us as babies fighting over a bottle. We were each other’s rivals for guys as teenagers.

        1. malignnarc says:

          Why be rivals when a three way would solve all problems?

          1. Cara says:

            See, we didn’t figure that out back then. And then when I was 19 I realized I prefer the OTHER kind of threesome 👅

          2. malignnarc says:

            Ha ha touche.

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