Jettison
There comes a time when this must happen to everybody who has been ensnared by us. There is no hope for anything different. In the way that the world keeps on turning and the planets waltz around the sun, we will always cast you to one side. Of the many cruelties which we exact against you, this ranks as one of the worst. You might think that it is a blessing that the daily machinations and manipulations have ended but you will not see it that way when you are discarded. Indeed, you may not ever realise it.
You are given no warning that you are about to be discarded, although if you know to look for them, there are actually signs that point to what is about to happen. Invariably you are unable to see them because you cannot see or think clearly for the maelstrom that continues to rage around you. There are times when the discard takes place that it is almost as if we have vanished into thin air. Yesterday we met you for lunch as normal and today you have no idea where we are. You have telephoned but our number is no longer in service. You call our work but you are told that we are unavailable as our assigned gatekeeper keeps you at bay. You wait around trying to catch a glimpse of us in order to speak with us and find out what is going on. You see hide nor hair of us and rather than be angry you are worried and concerned both for us and our relationship, or at least what was once our relationship. This form of the discard is swift and brutal. Here yesterday and gone today. We put in place a ring of steel which we will not allow you to penetrate. When this form of discard has been effected you are actually receiving a double whammy of discard and an absent silent treatment. This is designed to reinforce like a hammer blow that you are no longer of any use to us. We do not want to see you, we do not want to hear from you and we do not want to read your e-mails, messages and texts. At least not yet. This form of discard arises because we have already replaced you. We have found a new primary source of fuel and he or she is a thousand times better than you. We have brought down the shutters, raised the drawbridge and built our castle walls thick and high as we now sit in the throne room with our new, wonderful and perfect primary source by our side. You have been struck from the record, deleted and erased. We do not want you distracting us from this most precious person that we have found. The truth is that the memory of us being linked to you irritates and infuriates us. We thought that you were the one who would supply us with positive fuel always. Despite the other failures that had gone before you, you showed such promise and we gave you everything in order to seduce you. Now you are placed on the appliance pile, discarded and broken, of no current use to us. You let us down and we bristle at the thought that we even considered you might be of use to us. Your failure and the fact we chose you means that we feel criticised and the ignition of our fury results in a cold fury that creates this icy hinterland that we place between you and us. We want nothing more to do with you. Until we decide of course it is time to hoover you. This sudden and unexplained cessation of the relationship is only temporary. We will look to reinstate it at some point in order to extract hoover fuel from you, but you do not know this. All you know is that we were once there and no we are no longer and it hurts. Your soul has been wrenched from within you. It does not matter how badly we hurt you, you still wanted that golden period and our sudden departure has denied that from ever happening again, or at least that is what you are led to believe. Your pain is absolute, combined with the confusion and bewilderment.
Another way in which we cast you to one side is akin to being repeatedly dunked in a barrel of icy water. Each time your dunking lasts a little longer and you fear you cannot hold your breath any longer and this time this is it, you are on your way out, only for us to haul you out and that sweet and precious air fills your lungs, if only for an instance before you are thrust back into the water. During that interlude, as the water cleared from your eyes and you gulped great lungfuls of air you saw someone else stood by our side, watching you with a look of curiosity on their face. This is your replacement but we have not yet decided that they are to replace you as we are giving you the chance to prove yourself and provide some further fuel before we push you away and leave you spluttering and gasping on the ground beside the barrel. We never finish you off. That would be pointless. We always need to come back, not that you will realise that as you lie panting and shaking on the ground, cold and soaked, watching as we stroll away, our arm around the new prospect. This steady and controlled discard takes place as we lose interest in you but we have no desire to make our departure sudden and swift. We want to hedge our bets as we firm up our arrangements with your replacement, fine-tuning that seduction as we continue to extract fuel from you through this dunking. We push and pull, toying with your emotions. This is not part of the devaluation even though we exhibit a similar behaviour during that time when we denigrate you and then grant respite. No, this is different. When this is undertaken in an accelerated fashion then you know that it is a form of discard. We may give you a week of hell and then several weeks of the golden period before hell again. That is the push and pull of devaluation. When this technique is applied as discard it is disorientating as one day is fine and the next is not and then fine again. You feel like you are being figuratively bludgeoned and as you try and get your bearings you stagger across the boxing ring away from us only to meet another opponent who continues the beating and then sends you on your way to the next one.
These are just two forms of the way we will discard you. Why do we do it? As ever it is all about fuel. With the first it is because we have new and brilliant fuel and no longer wish to be reminded about your faltering and weak fuel. In the second we have not yet confirmed that the new source is as potent as we require and in the meanwhile we decide to continue to extract further fuel from you as your severance from us takes place in typical salami-slicing fashion. In every entanglement with our kind you will eventually be discarded. You won’t see it coming but it is always in the post, coming along the highway, wending its way towards you.
Don’t be too concerned though. No discard is for ever. We always come back for more.
50 thoughts on “Jettison”
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The little one is actually a wee saviour! He’s only six but very bright and funny. I saw him in a thoughtful mood the other day and guessed he was thinking about his dad so I said ‘I miss daddy. Do you miss him too?’ and he replied immediately with a flat ‘No’. So that was a real relief! He keeps writing ‘mummy’ everywhere and comes up to give me random hugs, kisses and to play little jokes on me 😀 It’s like half the battle is won already and I’m getting excited again about who I am. I’m cool! I never stopped being me but I was kind of on hold for those few years. Now I’m cool again, people are noticing and I’m loving it! I heard the ex last week saying he’d missed the wee one and it sounded like he’d decided to come back…so I packed the rest of his clothes and things that night and put them outside for him to pick up. He was literally speechless but I couldn’t have him hoovering just to do this again! Now the only worry is that he might become violent – he’s very angry and having to take his clothes out to the car clearly made him more angry. He told the wee one ‘mummy won’t let me come back’ – but I presented the bags calmly in a helpful manner ‘I thought you wanted them – don’t you need them?’, not angrily as in ‘get your sh*t out of my face!’ He treated himself to a whole new wardrobe while he was away but didn’t pay for anything at all for us and I had no money even for food at that point, so he can p*ss off now.
I’m on amazon right now, tempted by Revenge but I’m not going to be able to use that info now and by the time I’m back to as normal as I can be, I won’t care anymore. I might start with Escape today and browse the others. Books of this nature by other authors would be wasted money – I’m very glad to be able to go straight to source! 🙂
Thank you Seanstoirm, an evaluated approach. Enjoy the reading.
Might I suggest getting and reading Revenge anyways? I found that book as insightful as Fury and Fuel, not for tactics on attaining Revenge, but for the Chapters breaking down the 6 pillars of the their core characteristics on which to find a weakness. Vital information to know in dealing with them.
When my Narc hoovered last month with a seemingly genuine apology which usually would make me respond instantly. This time I gave silence for 24 hours, then responded with a caustic email to his work, which he hates, calling him out in his disingenuous motives. Did it give some fuel? Yeah. But it also attacked his status pillar. He has slithered off in the shadows again. I didn’t seek Revenge per say but knew a more effective way of dealing with him.
Thank you Clarece.
It’s really one of my favorites.
I will no doubt read Revenge too – there are many titles that appeal 🙂 I’ve just started Escape and intend to buy another tonight when I have more time to browse. The writing is fascinating whether the info will be used or not but my ex is still very much in the picture and trying everything under the sun to hurt. A week ago I felt strong and myself again, now, with the realisation that he actually IS using our son as a weapon, I’m back to being weary, worried and stressed, so I need to pull away from him first. The wee one is confused and hurt enough, I have to be strong for him.. Sounds like you made a good move Clarece, I hope he is licking his failure wounds now – and you didn’t go back, which is something to value in itself, I’d say!
Absolutely, whatever helps in aiding you to mentally get stronger and do the best to be nurturing and protective to your kids is most important. Thank God I did not have that element to deal with. Hugs to you!
My ex’s new woman has three young kids. He’s trying to move my son in too but my son is too smart. This woman has met him on two occasions and on the second, told him she ‘loves’ him. My son knew this was strange. Although he wouldn’t mention having been with her in front of his father (my ex), he told me everything once the ex had left. He brought up the ‘I love you’ comment with a puzzled look – “I think she said…” and I was able to say that love doesn’t happen after meeting twice, which he fully understood. I’m feeling sorry for the other woman now though, and I never thought I’d feel THAT, I’m worried about her kids – she and they don’t know what’s going to be, they don’t deserve it. She just met a ‘nice’ man and wanted him for her own kids. I can overlook the fact that she took the daddy from my son because I didn’t want him and he was starting to damage my son. But I don’t want anyone else to go though that either. I won’t try to meet her or warn her as it will bring more trouble my way – and I MIGHT just be seeing light at the end of this tunnel.
Well-reasoned. It is always tempting to your kind to try to warn the replacement. This is part out of desire to ensure they are not hurt the way you have and also to derail the N’s plans in a bid to obtain some payback. It rarely works. In the same way you know you would not have listened to anybody when you were being love-bombed or you would have reasoned away their concerns or seen them as the jealous ex, you are seen in the same way. You are better served concentrating on yourself and your son as you are doing.
The thought of what she’s bringing into her children’s lives is horrifying. But I know she won’t listen and has to make her own mistakes. It’s hard though when I do know what he’s capable of and she’s just thinking her life is on the up. No one would inflict that on their kids. But it’s not my place or my responsibility as you say HG, I have enough on my plate.
Absolutely the case.
This is the difference between N’s and most people. If I am the one to break up with someone….I have ZERO desire to go back.
I think that is why most of us get fooled by the hoovers. When a person wants another chance in a failed relationship…..we feel it’s because they love us too much to lose us forever….
Oh sure, when you’re “done” with me. It’s ok, I was never your favorite child anyway (but I’m the one who shows you how to save pictures to your iPhone because your other children hate you & can’t be bothered); I know you’ll be back. You’ll get angry at one of my sisters for some petty horseshit & I’ll be golden again for a moment.
I saw the signs clearly with T. The very day after he pulled the ‘sorry, my phone just died for no apparent reason while I was out, but it suddenly works now… that was weird’. He texted me the following morning saying he was bringing coffee to my place. Handed me the coffee on arrival and began the his pre-rehearsed speech on how he just didn’t have the time he thought he did to put into a relationship and that he had been treating me horribly. I let him ramble while I drank the coffee and then stopped him and told him we were on the same page if he intended to end the relationship. He didn’t know what to say for several minutes. I gave him a hug, wished him well and said goodbye. All done, no muss, no fuss and no tears…. horrid, non-fueling person that I was to him in the end.
That’s awful of you Sheila, how could you do that?!
A life time affiliation with N’s… some of it must have rubbed off? I have an bad reaction to bullshit too… so I find it better to keep that stuff away from me 🙂
Don’t worry, HG… he still gets little dribbles of fuel from me. We work together after all. Just last night as he walked past me and gave me a nod and a wave I gave him a huge grin along with a twinned barreled salute 🙂
It’s a reaction so he’ll take it.
I’m still quietly laughing about it… he has no idea where it came from or what it was about… not my typical reaction and I think the huge smile baffled him… he actually missed a step as he walked past me lol
(it was for a bombardment of ‘nice’ comments this past week that have been funneled to me through other colleagues)
I’m feeling a little sassy lately… the narc-fishing experiment is making me a little edgy and probably inflated my ego with all the extraneous compliments and come-ons.
Fascinating to see the effect it has on you Sheila.
I have a bit of a wild side, HG. I just don’t let it out enough according to my family and friends lol
Come on Sheila, let it out, we all want to see it.
I am contemplating doing just that right now… I’ve had a lot of encouragement from an interested person… but there’s ground rules he’s implemented before proceeding…. pretty certain he’s an N, but that gives me the advantage in knowing ahead of time.
Hahaha sheila.
Now HG has to be proud of his student!!!!
I am proud of you all, really I am.
Sheila the end was funny to read… 😂😂
Hugs red haired lady
I just did this myself! Admittedly, I succumbed to my codependence (learned guilt), the hoover and “…would have been our 3 year anniversary… its bittersweet…”. This time, as soon as I sensed the gaslighting… I texted back, “… I just don’t see how this can work… Thank you so much for the part you played in my life.” No anger, no happiness. With this blog and the acknowledgement from others here. I’m ready to be that non-fueling person- whether he comes back or not
Sheila,
I got the same breakup excuse from N3. Since he was laid off and was returning to school full time…he didn’t have the time to put into our relationship like he should. I could understand that. Things had changed after he was laid off. However, I didn’t understand getting that news in a text message. I didn’t understand the six week silent treatment when I wanted to speak to him about it. It takes A LOT of effort to ignore someone….I just wanted a proper goodbye.
When I finally reached him after 6 weeks. He was having a pity party about his life. He wanted to marry next year…and we couldn’t because his new career choice was a 2 1/2 course…and it wouldn’t be fair to ask me to wait. I said I’d wait if he asked me to…if not, I wished him the best and I was moving on. He asked to be friends, I said I don’t stay chummy with exes…but I’d always be civil. He started crying…and so did I. He apologized for the silence…but he said he just couldn’t take anymore sadness…and couldn’t deal with it. I told him to never do that to another woman. When a man leaves a woman’s life…he owes her a face to face conversation…or at least a phone call. He said the only regret he had was the way he ended our relationship. However, he didn’t regret what we had…because it meant a lot to him.
10 days later, he calls and leaves no message. The next day, I returned the call. No call back from him. I sent a text the next day. No reply. I spent 5 days of my life worrying about him….I finally got him on the phone…and he claimed he “butt dialed me”. I asked him why he just didn’t text me that….no answer…he just talked my ear off for 30 minutes. The next month was full of push and pull with him….and then his horrible and cruel behavior after the deaths in my family…he fell silent again. I hear he has been back on Match since December.
Perhaps N3 was telling the truth in not being able to put in full time work like he did in the beginning….because he is dating…but no primary since me. I guess my “role” in his life as a GF wasn’t needed anymore. So he discarded me. He could have just said goodbye nicely…why put me through so much pain in the end?
He said himself that the breakup was about him…not me. I think he got angry because I wouldn’t wait for him the 2 1/2 years? He should have asked…why would I wait when he left me….and never asked me to?
Sheila, at least your ex N handled the breakup like a real man…..most of us don’t get that…
Your thoughts, HG?
We see no compulsion to explain ourselves to you, why should we? You should second guess us and we are not accountable to you so therefore no explanation is forthcoming. If one is given it is not to assuage guilt but purely to garner more fuel and test to see how amenable you will be to the inevitable hoover. His behaviour when he eventually called, gave an excuse, did not text why he did it and so on was designed to gain fuel from you and test you out.
HG,
I understand that ALL relationships (besides parent/minor child), are “at will” contracts….just like a non-union job is here in the US. One person can unilaterally terminate the relationship.
However, relationships of an intimate nature requires a face to face talk or a phone call at the very least. These talks aren’t pleasant….I understand that. However, the other person is owed a respectful goodbye. I understand that men have a hard time
admitting that they don’t have the means to take care of a woman….but he knew I would have understood….even if the talk upset me. If a man wishes to exit my life…I will hold the door open for him…but after life long promises were made and then broken, a text message was much too informal.
Ignoring me for 6 weeks made me feel like the whole thing was my fault….and it wasn’t. It’s like he was just reading my text messages and emails and ENJOYING my confusion and misery. How could anyone that “loved and respected me” put me through all of that?
At the time, I didn’t know he was an N. Had I known….I would have ran.
However, I did see him pull silent treatments on his family members for weeks at a time….why didn’t I figure out that would eventually happen to me?
Hi T
My exN, T wasn’t that altruistic, he had begged for me to wait for him. He always claimed that the reason he still lived with his ex was for the children. He didn’t feel it was right to leave his youngest until he was the age (12 in our country) that he was legally allowed to make the decision on which parent he wanted to live with.and he was only 8. I had spent time with his children and had them stay at my place on occasional weekends. I especially adored his 8 year old and I think T had counted on that fact when he used that excuse for not being able to move forward with me until he could move out and bring his youngest with him. I had countered with the argument that the constant fighting between him and his ex wasn’t healthy for his kids and that I was only 20 minutes away. It wasn’t like he would be cut off and unable to go to his kids at any time he needed. That was met with a lot of fury 😉 So I cut my losses and told him that I wished him well, but I wasn’t waiting.
Sheila, I can see your point and your ex’s point. Kids do better when both parents are under one roof. My parents divorced when I was 7 and my sister was 4.
My mother left my dad and took us with her. At that age, my whole world fell apart. There were fights between them….but not bad enough for me to say that we were better off without my dad at home. Having both parents at home gives kids a sense of security.
During my parents divorce is when I felt so insecure in life. Those horrible visits..no longer having a room in my dad’s home because he dated other women with kids was heartbreaking….my parents dating other people was a NIGHTMARE! The women my dad dated before he met my stepmom were so fake. They pretended to like us….but they really prefered if we moved to Siberia! lol When he met my stepmom…she treated us like her own kids….however…the ones in between were just terrible.
I think you ex’s plan to wait until his child is 12 is what is best for the child. Him asking you to wait wasn’t fair to you. 4 years is A LONG TIME in a woman’s life. Our years are more valuable than a man’s (biological clock, our looks)….don’t ever forget that. A man that really cares about a woman wouldn’t ask her to wait more than a year.
I know I said I would have waited 2 1/2 years for my ex….but had I thought about it…and I wanted to have a child (naturally or in vitro), I would have to pass. Coming from a divorced home, I would NOT have a child out of wedlock….and he wouldn’t either because of the way he was raised.
So, our plans to marry in a year did end when he wasn’t able to secure another job in oil…and he went back to school to train in a different profession. This was a blessing for me actually….had I married him…I would have never left….because I come from a divorced home….
You were smart to cut your losses!
Hi T, depending on the amount of fighting between parents it can be a good thing if the parents can stick it out for the kids sense of security. Judging by the constant every day-all day fighting he described to me at length, I didn’t think it was a good environment for his kids to be subjected to. His teenage kids have actually encouraged him to move out as they are tired of the constant battles between parents. His ex has moved on and is in another relationship, but hides it from her kids with the excuses that the other man is ‘just a friend she spends weekends with’. His mother’s favourite topic according to him is why does he stay?
My biological clock isn’t ticking anymore. I have two adult children and one in mid-teens, so that isn’t a concern to me. I was quite comfortable with and ready to proceed with repurposing rooms in my home to accommodate his kids so they had their own space here. I have the advantage of a large, nearly empty home on a quiet acreage. I truly liked and could have fallen in love with his kids. The holding pattern of 4 years was the kicker. He expected I would wait and be comfortable with the occasional friendly coffee and chat. on his terms, when it suited him…. if it ever did. He was sorely mistaken to think I thought so little of myself and my worth that I would sit idly for that length of time accepting the crumbs he intended to throw my way. I was also on to the fact he was an N and that would never change.
I understand, Sheila. I have casually dated men with children and difficult exes and it’s non stop drama.
You got lucky….had he and his kids moved in….your home wouldn’t be “your home”anymore. It’d be full of her rules, her menu, her deciding where you spend your vacations….a BIG HEADACHE! I know it’s hard to see that you dodged a bullet….in many ways…
I am looking through the situation through my own childhood experiences…but the thought of putting kids through a divorce breaks my heart. I know you would have loved his kids like your own…and that hurts that you know them already….
My mother explained once we were grown why she left (she never spoke badly about our dad while we were kids). I understand why she did….sometimes divorce is the only option. My mom and dad AND stepmom became the best of friends…we spent every Sunday at church together and every holiday. No grudges in my family…
I personally avoid dating men with minor kids. It’s hard in my town…slim pickings. Many good men that have been taken for many years. 75% of people here are married…and people marry young here. However, my life is usually easier without the ex and kid drama.
*hugs*
I KNOW I dodged a bullet there! lol There were already stipulations from his ex on what the kids were allowed to do and not do when he brought them to my place. There were several times I had to bite my tongue for the sake of peace between them.
I come from a very small community too. The population of my town and surrounding township is about 2000, and many marry young and/or have known each other forever. Not a lot of local men to choose from that are single, or don’t have a reputation as being unsuitable. I left here in my late teens and lived in the western part of the country were I met and married the worst N that was ever in my life. Came back here to escape him only to meet up and have relationships with a few more lesser Ns.
Some day I hope I’ll find a decent guy to enjoy the rest of my life with, but until then, if it ever happens. I’m happy and content with being on my own.
Hi sheila
Sure one day you will if its meant for you 😃🙏🏻.
On the other side i have heard about some exes not minding their own business on the weekemds its not their turn but mainly when the husband has left the wife for the current partner but else not.
I never say anything when my kids are not with me on the weekends. In fact I only talk to them or dad at pickup time.
Same with them nevef ever told me something about how to do with the kids.
My ex sometimes calls to see if they are in bed but that is minor.
You saved yourself big trouble then Sheila..
I cant imagine an ex interfering during the weekend 😖😖😩
Hi T! You’ve sent so many nice, personal messages the last couple of days. Thank you.
I was very interested to hear about your childhood perspective on your parent’s divorce.
I separated from my daughter’s dad when she was 4 in preschool. She was the first child in her class to have parents divorce. I know she felt shame over that despite our best efforts to tell her she’s loved unconditionally. For example she would “shoosh” me in public if I started a convo abt her dad’s plans for her on an upcoming weekend. Her reason was she didn’t want strangers to overhear us and know “we are divorced people”. She also struggled for a few years feeling safe in our house just the two girls. She’s 10 now and we are so close and have a deep bond.
Her dad remarried within a year 1/2 post divorce. He proposed to new wife at a dinner our daughter was included at so ” she can witness how a man treats a woman when he’s really in love with her”. (Barf). He’s had 2 babies back to back with this woman. Luckily she loves kids and is very sweet and loving to our daughter, almost to the point of stop trying to be super stepmom. I’m still alive and kicking.
I know my daughter loves her new siblings but she also loves having me to herself. She hates the thought of me dating. No one has been worthy enough to meet her but I’ve gone on a few one time dates here and there besides Narc. No revolving door at my hacienda. Especially with tweeny and then teenager years I almost feel like she owns me until then. Lol Honestly she’s overcome a lot, so I have no plans to rush a relationship. We have a nice groove and I don’t want someone interfering with that prob as much as her. I know right now she would feel crushed and pushed out if I got in a serious relationship with someone.
It was interesting to hear at 12 a child may become more accepting if that scenario.
M.!
I am glad my story helped! I’m happy that your daughter’s experience with the divorce is turning out to be a pleasant one. Having a good stepmom and a dad that isn’t spineless about keeping his relationship with her a priority will make all the difference! Having more siblings is a blessing for her, too!
In the end, everything turned out well for our family too. It’s like we just added to our family. In the end, there was so much love….I couldn’t feel more blessed about that!
Hi T! Happy Saturday to you! Well I try to make her experience less traumatic, but I know she suffered and hearing your perspective just reinforces that a child’s whole world is their parents. I plan on seeing someone for a very long time before they ever get introduced to her.
Shiela. You rock! ❤
Instead of coming back, doesn’t it follow the logic that you keep finding someone new and shiny? That’s how your numbers increasingly rise. You don’t always come back.
We can do both though can’t we?
I remember it like it was yesterday .
The whole weekend was as ” normal ” as it could be , we argued AGAIN about his FB postings the only thing different was it was one of the only times he didn’t try to shut me up with his fists & nothing was broken .
He spent the night in bed with me , got up , let me make him breakfast , went upstairs packed ALL of his belongings , came back down , waved bye , then went home & posted his new relationship status on , yep . FB .
HG does it ever concern you that the person you’ve discarded might contact your new target ? I know that you fill their heads with how we’re still in love with you or we are complete nutters , but maybe as time moves on & the new targets maybe starting to think something not quite right , at that point ? Is It like a ticking time bomb or are you so sure she would never believe anything ? I Imagine the latter ? Be interesting to know .
BTW Interesting article lol .. I hope you get what I mean by that 🙂
Not it doesn’t concern me. The charm and smear campaigns usually work and the method of targeting pays dividends in terms of choosing someone who will not be swayed by the rantings of the discarded.
Thanks HG. That makes a lot of sense . 🙂
You are welcome.
Reading this was painful. Painful because it denotes alot of pain. From the part of the victim and from the part of a narcissist, living its own pain through the injury of the construct that took place prior the discard.
The only difference is that the Narcissist is equipped to move on faster, in fact they have moved on and recovered from their pain when the discarded partner is entering in the final stage of the painful direction the relationship took. There is pain everywhere from both parts.
Felt differently but in the root alot of pain. pain gives away pain.
It takes alot alot of work to avoid this painful discard. Love gives away love. But its not the normal love we are used to give and receive. Its a special type of love that can be translated by the narcissist of love.
Love alone wont work, and normal love wont work. We have to find what is the love that will work that will soothe your the pain. A love that does not remind you of the pain. A love that fits both. Not a normal love but a dancing love. A love designed for you and me.
A love that embraces your light, your skills, your capacities to give,
A love that gives you space when needed, and that mainly understands your pain.
Maybe then pain will not give pain.
Reading that just pissed me off all over again. My N better not ever come back. I threw away two years of my life for that piece of garbage.