Never Been Closer to Heaven



It is testament to the intensity of our love-bombing, our seductive charade and the illusion that we create that you feel that we are heaven sent. Nobody compares to us either before after. Our love is like the sun. Vast, burning and immense, so bright and you, like most things on this planet, come to depend on it. The brilliance with which we make you ours by the carefully constructed and elegantly orchestrated ensnaring means you do not notice what is happening to you. All you know that is your dreams have come true. You are whisked off your feet, made to feel special and lifted up on high. And why not? You are indeed special to us. We chose you. From all those appliances out there, from the thousands upon thousands we targeted you, we researched you and we dedicated ourselves to capturing you. That is how special you are. You are particularly special because you are elevated to the position of being our primary source of fuel. What greater honour could my kind ever bestow on someone? You are my life blood. Without the fuel that you provide to me each and every day, succulent, potent and plentiful, I would no longer exist. No wonder I worship you when I first find you. You are the answer to my fears. The destruction of the construct is a terrifying matter to contemplate and I will do anything to ensure that this does not happen. You are instrumental in achieving this and it is through your fuel that I am not only able to exist but function, conquer and attract. You are so important to me that you provide the fuel that allows me to draw in even more fuel. You are the catalyst for all my endeavours, my machinations and my schemes. You are the driving force behind everything that I do, my successes, my ambitions and my achievements. It is because of you I am able to illuminate the world with my brilliance. Now do you understand why my seduction of you must be so absolute and intense? You are my saviour, you are everything that I need and accordingly I must capture you with all due expedience so that you are not plucked from my grasp by some other pretender. It is through you that I am able to transcend the mediocre and mundane, how those words make me shudder. My seduction is borne out of a great ravenous hunger. I need you. To acquire you I must take you closer to the heaven than you have ever been. Does it matter that I do so through the construct of an illusion so long as it serves that purpose to ensnare you? You are worshipped, adored and idealised – who would not want to be revered in such a manner and by one so talented as I? It is a match that was forged in heaven – you give me what I need and I give you what you desire. It makes perfect sense and this ideal matching of you and I must always come to pass. It is written in the stars above.

I pin all my hopes on you. I put every ounce of effort into acquiring you. I strain my sinews, polish my charm and burn brightly in the hope and expectation that you will provide me with the outstanding fuel. You do not disappoint. At least not at first. Yet, the time comes when the fuel sours and becomes stale and that is why my treatment becomes so awful and horrendous. My malice is driven by your failure. Our immortal union was in touching distance. I had you at the gates of heaven and all you needed to do was to keep supplying me with that wonderful fuel. I know you tried. Goodness knows you have told me often enough about all the things you have done and how you tried over and over again to make things work. You were not the only one you know. That sense of having been so close burns through me and the fury that is unleashed is so virulent I am unable to control it and thus it must be spewed over you, drowning you in my hatred, my bilious venom oozing across you, trickling into your open orifices as I seek to smother you in my cloying evil. You promised so much. That is why I promised so much in return. We got so near but then you faltered, you floundered and you failed and it all came crashing down. If there was a different way, if there was some alternative which meant I did not have to unleash hell against you, then perhaps that would be chosen instead but there is not. I know no other way than that which is meted out to you when it all comes crashing down. I cannot control it because you threaten my existence by your failure and I must turn to other means to secure and preserve my existence. I obtain other sources of my precious fuel to avoid my extinction from your negligence.

I wanted to give you the world. I wanted to take you to heaven and because of your failings we had never been closer to heaven and then we had never been further away. Why did you do it to me?

39 thoughts on “Never Been Closer to Heaven

  1. I really tried to be all that he wanted; I really did. But, it was the triangulation that I could no longer endure. I could endure the Gaslighting, and even much of everything else, but the Triangulation, I could no longer endure, especially since I was triangulated with those of whom he ensnared me with by “protecting me from them” because they were bullying me. He acted like he was coming to my rescue, to protect me, and even wrote a long email, which I still have, telling the Administration that “such and such” were “nasty little bullies who chose to pick on me because I was so vulnerable, and sweet”. Little did I know that the entire time, he was still closely in friendly contact with “my bullies”, and was not the devoted, heroic, protector who I thought he was, but rather, a Narcissist, himself, who had no integrity, natural loyalty, or devotion, even declaring his love for me and thus conveying his desire to make my dreams come true and spend the rest of his life with me. He had many faces for many different people. Yet, he had no real face of his very own.

  2. Alice says:

    @TheFlowerandRock: I too very much appreciate your presence here, it IS an anchor and puts things and emotions into perspective.

    I wonder who you are though… I worked with the healing tools of Kaleah LaRoche, Melanie Tonia Evans and Lucyrising. Your comments remind me of them – they generate the same feeling of strength, committment and resilience in me:-)

    Thank you!

  3. bethany7337 says:

    Great post HG. So true.

    When I first met my N and while in the throes of love bombing I literally thought God had filled my prescription for receiving that kind of warm attentiveness and genuine attraction and compatibility. I had just come out of a long term marriage to an abuser. My new guy would hold me in his arms for hours reading me poetry while we drank wine and our bodies intertwined over and over in the most intense earth shattering sex I had ever experienced.

    Yes, I thought I had died and gone to heaven. By the end of the relationship, my thoughts were that I had escaped him just before being dragged behind the gates of hell. Both we true.

  4. T says:

    We empaths could write the SAME words about our ex N’s.
    We were disappointed, let down, bait and switched, conned….

    We are not “appliances”. Appliances are objects that perform for x amount of time…sometimes are repaired….often replaced.
    They don’t “give” like a human or a pet.

    The grass is NEVER greener, HG. You wouldn’t disagree with me, right? Because you have to keep that grass watered, too,

    Deep down, Ladies….. I think these N’s get scared when stuff gets real…when they start to attach…they have to trust…they look for reasons not to…and then we become the devil because we want to go for a movie on the night they would rather stay home (true story for me). So they cut run like a scared chicken…..and blame us for it…

    1. Angered says:

      I just got so sick of being blamed for everything. And then he would claim that I blamed him for everything. Unreal

      1. T says:

        I hear you, Angered…..we all fall short…
        There are NO perfect people. Period!

        1. Angered says:

          Right and it seems like Ns are in search of that perfect person that doesn’t exist. When actually they want a slave. Someone that does or says what they went exactly when they want it.

          1. T says:

            Mindless Zombies are perfect for N’s! In the beginning…they welcome the spirited debates…this never last very long….

          2. Angered says:


  5. Lol…i just realized that I wrote TheWeedandFlower instead of TheWeedandRock. Freudian slip…perhaps my rose coloured glasses are still on a little somewhere inside me more than I realized!

  6. Such is our design.
    And btw, I believe every single word you wrote. I know this is your experience and the truth of your kind.
    I dare say that you kinds seeks to hold on to that “perfection” as much, no, I’d say more than we do…hence the dance that never truly ends; unless we maintain no contact…

    1. malignnarc says:

      Indeed CE, it is a never ending dance, unless, as you wrote, you can maintain no contact. Is this our tune I can hear?

      1. *she smiles, quietly amused; and thinks…ever the charmer* I’m amazed you can keep up with such a list of tunes in your head.
        I don’t hear any tunes in my heart or head anymore HG. Just a welcomed silence.

        I had an enormous love of most everyday music and classical music simply spoke to my soul such as no other. (Despite never being exposed to it in my upbringing) It found me, nonetheless. This surprised me due to my love of words and their meanings…
        Perhaps I need to listen to country music in reverse, so as to get myself back 😉
        Nah…I’m currently putting myself back together, in a way that I won’t be recognized as me. As the old me didn’t work out too well for me…despite what the world believes they see of me.

        1. Angered says:

          Hi CE,
          Since you are putting yourself back together to be a new person maybe this new person would welcome some different music. I’m a huge country music fan. I put a list together for you and I think you might enjoy a listen.
          1. When You Say Nothing At All by Allison Krauss
          2. She’s Got A Way With Me by Billy Currington
          3. Waiting On A Woman by Brad Paisley
          4. Get Your Shine On by Florida Georgia Line
          5. Somebody Like You by Keith Urban
          6. I Don’t Dance by Lee Brice
          7. Bless The Broken Road by Rascal Flatts
          8. Are You Gonna Kiss Me Or Not by Thompson Square
          9. My Best Friend by Tim McGraw

          1. Hi Angered,
            Thank you so much. That is so thoughtful!
            I have heard 1, 2 5,7 and 9
            They are lovely and touched me greatly. I haven’t heard them for quite some time. I may have to screen shot your post and make a visit to you tube.
            In gratitude ❤

          2. Angered says:

            You’re welcome ❤

          3. Oh thank you so much, Angered!
            I did some reading of one of HG’s books and then listened to them.
            You’re a romantic, just like me I see. It was lovely. I’m happy right now… thank you. I stumbled across “it’s your love” Tim McGraw just as I finished. A combination of memories and hope. ❤

          4. Angered says:

            I love Tim McGraw he’s one of my favorites. Music is good for the soul along with laughter. So, don’t forget to laugh at least once a day. ❤

          5. Thanks for the reminder.
            Faith Hill and Tim Mcgraw are great. They actually have many songs appropriate to N’s and empaths/ co dependency I just noticed. Especially Faith.
            I’m currently listening to “Mr. Know it all”. Kelly Clarkson lol
            Music indeed does speak to me and alters one’s mood.
            Blessed be ❤ 🌹

          6. Angered says:

            I don’t really like Kelly Clarkston, but that song sounds interesting. I’ll have to have a listen soon.

          7. I’d recommend it 😉

          8. Angered says:

            I just listened to “Mr. Know It All. I’ve actually heard it quite a few times, but never closely listened to the words. I love it. Have a good weekend. ❤

          9. 😊 Yoo too!

  7. Angered says:

    Oh, cry me a river. You’re always the victim. Why are you treated so badly? Why has this pain been inflicted upon you? Why? Why? Why? I’ll tell you why. Because we are not perfect that’s why. We are put up on a pedastal and we fail at perfection. We are normal human beings who weren’t meant to be perfect. We want to be loved even with all our imperfections. You can do nothing for us except bring us down and suck every little bit of happiness out of us. Your ways are thoroughly disgusting and are something that none of us should want any part of ever again.

  8. Kaye says:

    Can u plz tell me U obviously r a N yrself it’s interesting to read from yr perspective. Can u tell me do u ever love or regret leaving any of yr supply ? Do u not have one once of upset that one of yr supplies was a good woman and miss any of them ? R we truly just another object? My ex has had different woman young older slim chubby chavs pretty woman, mingers ..Some I think..really?

    1. malignnarc says:

      Hello Kaye, I am pleased you find the reading interesting. I love the fuel, not the person. I do not regret leaving the fuel because when I decide to discard I have to do it because their fuel is no longer enough and I need fuel. All of the past appliances would be regarded as “good” people by the standards of others, but they became “bad” by my standards owing to their failure to maintain the fuel. Yes you are just another object, an appliance. Your ex chooses the person based on traits which suit him in terms of fuel, shards and residual benefits. The chief trait he looks for is an empathic individual. He hasn’t had different women in that sense, he chose younger empath, older empath, slim empath, chubby empath, chav empath, pretty empath, minging empath – do you see the common thread now?

  9. nikitalondon says:

    Nothing nearer to the truth and no words more accurrate than it felt like heaven. The HMS indeed feels like heaven, but its not the failures of one person HG. Probably we can say its the lack of knowledge of knowing what we are into, because one person is into and expecting the normal and praised love and the other one fuel.
    The end is indeed as far as it can get…
    How did this happen? Its like if all exploded in microsized thousands of particles that you dont know anymore beginning but only the end.
    Its so perfect how you write, so flawless that I dont even know what to write and how… There will never be a better description on the net. I dont say it for fuel.
    Not the sentence above in any case.
    Look forward to you 😘😘😘😘💓

    1. malignnarc says:

      Yes Nikita, it is all premised on that lack of knowledge that you have in respect of the person that you are ensnared by.

    1. I’m really beginning to love that you post to show you’re here. I actually like it much more than liking a post.
      I also love your comments too. I note that you have much valuable input to contribute also.
      I’m glad you’re here with us all.

      I love your title too. It is most appropriate in relation to an N and an empath.
      I think if I was to choose another title just for use on this blog, I’d pick TheWeedandFlower to symbolize my growth and new found strength and resilience. The rocks in my world haven’t changed in essence and as we are discovering, are not capable of doing so.
      I know I’m healing as many of the posts do not hurt, anger or sadden me so much, as they simply, finally, resonate as truth. I am a somewhat detached observer in my own world and that of others. Having removed my “rose coloured glasses” and almost requiring the need for them no longer.

      1. I think that it can be at times difficult to bring forward a fuller form of expression when interacting in the cyber world. We are missing key components of communication in the somewhat flat medium of online expression; I may enjoy the artistic delivery, the information given, the level of authenticity, however I may be attuned to the intentionality and have concern around its affect on readers and there for will not click the like button. It is not black and white.
        My choice to post with blank posts, as I have shared, is to denote that I am here, that I am present, that I am actively observing, and that I am aware that my choice in doing so is exercising an anchoring energy on the blog. If you can draw imagery of a conference, lecture, class room setting ect, where there are many participants it is quite common that not all participants speak out and that this is not really questioned. Further to this, truly holding space for another is often a triggering experience for the receiver of this unconditional act of genuine regard. Holding space is non attachment absent of judgement, it is the recognition of what is, as opposed to how one ought to be.

        The user name TheFlowerandRock was a name created a few years ago when I was working on collaborative efforts in relation to the existential and phenomenological aspects of the striving for an authentic self as animated in our societal structures, including nature. Picture climbing a mountain, and as you crest the top you are met with a colorful and fertile wildflower, whose roots appear to be covered by a solid round rock in a wide open space. Profoundly beautiful.

        I enjoy your presence here and your open and courageous expression Crystal Empath. For some reason I feel like dancing now, and so I will. Much love and respect to you.

        1. Thank you! Enjoy ❤

        2. nikitalondon says:

          I also ❤️ It when you write. 💝

        3. nikitalondon says:

          Have you climbed up a volcanoe yet?
          When you climb up a volcanoe sometimes it will happen that after an hour or so of only dead rocks and dark volcanic soil, suddenly im betweem some dead rocks the most colorful and beautiful flower will sit there in the middle of no other vegetation… Its an incredible experience. In the middle of sulphuric dead soil, beauty grows.

    2. F & R
      No need to respond or comment. I just wanted to share my thoughts with you.

    3. nikitalondon says:

      HOW are you ?? 😃😃😃 F& R

      1. TheFlowerandRock says:

        I am OK, thank you kindly

      2. TheFlowerandRock says:

        It seems my response has been published. I was uncertain that it would be. Nice of you to reach out! How are you Nikita?

        1. nikitalondon says:

          Hiiiii!!! Nice to hear from you too! working hard, enjoying that summer is slowl arriving, and happy.. with dreams and plans. 😃😃. Hope you too !!!! keep in touch

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