The Narcissist’s Five Fears

1. You will leave

You are our primary source of fuel, our life giver and without this precious fuel we are thrown into chaos, impending oblivion on the horizon. You signed an unwritten contract to supply us with potent and delicious fuel until we decide to the contrary. It is our decision. It is not yours. We know what we do to you, the repeated push and pull, the games, the abuse and whilst we rely on our significant powers of manipulation and your near indefatigable desire to heal, hang in there and make things work, there is always that slight doubt that perhaps this time we have gone too far? There is an iota of concern that this is the occasion where you put the pieces together and realise what you are dealing with and therefore you decide to escape us. Leaving us when we have not ensured your replacement is in place or that he or she is working to maximum efficiency places us in peril. If you leave our fuel supply has been fractured, maybe even cut off. If you leave you have wrested control away from us and this is not something that can ever countenance. If you leave you are telling us that we are not the superior being we maintain that we are,  you are pouring scorn on our might and undermining our magnificence.

2. I am ignored

There are those for whom the spotlight of attention causes them to flush with embarrassment, that searing heat which makes them feel uncomfortable. That is not the case for us. Its light brings us warmth and power. We need the spotlight like plants need the sun. We bask in its brilliant blazing light and revel in the attention that comes with it as we drink deep of the fuel that is provided. Should you ever move that spotlight away from us, the icy chill of the cruel and desolate world we have been placed in becomes all too real and this wounds us. The removal of the light of attention criticises us and strikes at our core. All eyes should be directed on us, ears should be pinned back in appreciative listening of our oratory, attention should be focused on us. It is about us, not you. Whether it is just you or I, a group of friends in a bar,a family gathering or in a meeting, everyone should know that we are there and they should be reacting to our presence. We do not care how that reaction comes so long as it is laden with emotion. If you ignore us you are telling us that we are worthless and that takes us to a place that we have consigned in the depths of our minds. Never ignore us, we cannot stand for that to happen.

3. I am exposed

Whether it is the unmasking of me as a narcissist or the revelation of my abusive machinations when you do not know fully what you have become entangled with, the fear of exposure lurks within us. Of course we will react and fight against it, of course we will deny, deflect and withdraw from your treacherous behaviour in telling the world what we are. We will paint you as a liar, a crazy person and a fantasist even though, for those of us who are aware enough, the words you issue are arrows of truth that rain down upon us tearing and wounding. Whether it is exposure in terms of you, as a primary source, telling us what we are or the wider unmasking to our carefully constructed façade, we fear this happening because it hurts us, it burns and it wounds. We will fight back, we will seek our retribution against you for this most heinous act but this requires precious energy which we would much rather use in a more productive way. In the worst of cases, your revelations force us to new hunting grounds which means we must re-build our twisted empire afresh. It will rise again but we would rather not endure the agony that this entails or the effort required.

4. I grow weary

I come as a god to walk this earth, a colossus astride this planet, leading and forging ahead as my massed ranks of admirers watch on in awe and wonder. I am omnipotent, immortal and unstoppable, my power endless as I seduce, abuse and recycle. There is so much fuel to drink up and I will never stop. Yet, occasionally that scintilla of concern manifests. What if I were to lose my powers? What if the ability to seduce started to wane? What if I lost the appetite to abuse and slay? What if I said the unsayable and admitted that I am tired of this endless routine? What if I no longer had the hunger or desire to stalk my hunting grounds and wanted an end? What if I wanted to remove my demagogue’s crown and vacate the throne, my appetite diminished and senses dulled? What would I do then? I soon shake off these terrible considerations but they remain in the shadows, occasionally calling to me. I dispel them as quickly as the manifest but still they come every once in a while.

5. The creature escapes

What if as a consequence of all the above I can no longer keep the craven creature within the prison that I have constructed for it? What if one day it is able to breach the walls and emerge from the depths of is incarceration so that it surfaces, hissing and tormenting me, its once whispered threats becoming a reality. What if it takes me to the edge of the abyss and forces me to look into the great void, oblivion just a step away, the howling winds of desolation whipping around me. Sometimes and it is a rare occurrence, but when all is still and dark this thought forms in my vast mind, this awful, terrible thought as I feel the craven creature’s clawed hand against my back, ready to shove me over the edge……..

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66 thoughts on “The Narcissist’s Five Fears”

  1. HG, when a new Narc victim discovers your books, what would be the first three you would recommend, and in what order? I know we all benefit from any one of the books, but for a “newbie” who is just starting on her discovery journey, and still is largely in denial, surely you must have an ideal prescription?

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      1. I came across this site. Didn’t know there’s such a thing for the narcs. I have been accused of being a narc myself but would never even entertain the thought.. I am me- I just am- me. Powerful and beautiful. My other friends said that my short term friend, ex boy-friend or guy friend whatever you want to call him is a narc as well and we didn’t get along at all. I deliberately made sure I was his mirror. I’m in it to win it so I discarded him first. Boy, he exploded! Honestly, I enjoyed the reaction and pain he demonstrated. ..wait I thought narcs didn’t feel emotions ha! He changed his cell number and went no contact. Guess what? I found out his new cell number under a different name and bam! An eye for an eye. I blocked it so if and when he tries to text, you get the picture. Anyway, whether I’m in denial or not, I’m in self discovery project starting now. This site can provide vital information and assistance to all.

        PS what’s wrong with suggesting on the first date..

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  2. There is always some one who will do all of those things to you and hurt you for all things you have done to them . YOU are not WORTH it. ANY OF IT. The stronger kind will just pack up and go and never look back. In a heart beat.

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  3. Wow Amazing! Very good. The fears that cross the mind of an N. Now we know what it means when they are left or ignored. I saw someone on the facebook malign narc page that she had left her ex N and it was so hard for him he had to be put on Valium.
    What a perfect description HG.
    Hopefully you dont have those fears so often anymore 😘😘😘❤️🌔💓

    Hope

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  4. So good to know your fears HG !! It really helps us !

    But unleashing the beast is not as scary as you think………. Unless of course you were in the grip of a narc !

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  5. When he walked away, I ignored it.
    I didn’t try to contact him one single time.
    I think that he thought I would try to beg for an explanation.
    There was no way I was going to contact him only to be told everything was my fault. I didn’t want to deal with his cruel words. I would rather stay silent.
    The silence went on for 9 months. Then on my birthday, I check my email. There he was with birthday greetings…..

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    1. Was this the first discard or had you been through the cycle many times already and finally managed to go NC?

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  6. There is a subcontext here I’m picking up on that with aging and time, you question if the constant flurry of incoming and outgoing relationships is truly your existence until the end and wanting it to stop. But as we are all creatures of habit who hate change, you remain on the path you’ve chosen convinced all you can ever feel is hate, envy and rage. As the years pass, people reflect more and reconsider things. You’ve been forced to do that whether you liked it or not because of working extensively with Dr. E and Dr. O.

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  7. Really loving reading your/his view on who you both are. My ex has leeched off me and his mum most of the relationship, but now that I have walked away and his mum has gone blind abd cant trabsfer miney inlune he can hold down a job! Anyway, how long can a narc keep his life together to try to prove to authority figures that he has changed? And what should I expect in terms of retribution after exposing his abuse to church leaders? This is where most of his supply comes from as he appears very altruistic and loving!! Thanks

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    1. There is no set time period and it depends on what kind of narcissist he is. Perhaps you could furnish me with more detail? Concerning the church, have the church leaders accepted what you have told them?

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      1. Yes, the church leaders have accepted what I have said as they helped me to get him out of my house. They have also asked him to stay away from any children, and asked him not to have any contact with me or approach me in any way and put some other boundaries in place. He has still played games though, because as you know he needs to win.

        He is charming everybody at the moment so my perception is that some of the leaders seem to be quite divided, or I could be thinking they are because he lied to me about people being on his side. Tell you what, you guys do a good job of stuffing with peoples heads 🙁 so much deceit and denial that I am just working out.

        Regarding type, I think he is more the vulnerable type, if that is a definite type, as he elicits a lot of sympathy for his life circumstances (can’t see his son, but takes no real interest in him anyway and I think he is just a pawn in his game, and his mum has just gone legally blind so can’t transfer money to his account any more).

        Thank you for your time 🙂

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  8. I feel like I’m the one who’s the narc. I can’t stop texting him and saying terrible things. Maybe because I was forced to keep them pent up for so long.

    I can’t live this way any more. I’m totally lost.

    He found a new supply and left. D&D. Came back, left again. I don’t want to be here any more.

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    1. You are not alone. In fact at times I question still if I hallucinated all of this. I had those episodes over 2-1/2 years of feeling pushed beyond madness and I end up being the one who blew up his phone. You’re in the height of despair. Hold on a bit longer.
      The hurricane size waves subside into a rolling tide and then the occasional ripple.
      In fact yesterday, as nice of a day I had for Mother’s Day, I had a ripple of sadness last night because it was the first Mother’s Day my Narc didn’t reach out and he knows why that day is so special for me.

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      1. M.
        Focus on the good in your life….and the good time you had yesterday!

        Trust me…he didn’t reach out yesterday for a reason. He probably wants YOU to reach out to HIM! That way he can tell his new gf that YOU are obsessed with HIM! Seems like a set up!

        My sister and I took our mother out yesterday for Mother’s day. We had a nice day. We went to church, the cemetery (stepmom,grandma,) to leave flowers, an out to lunch.

        N3 came up during lunch. Since we were having such a nice day, I decided to fill my sister in on N3…..she always thought he was “great’..and that I should still be trying to fix things between us….because he was perfect for me. I let her know yesterday that he was an N. Of course, she questioned my “diagnosis”. She thought I was mistaken because I was hurt….my younger sister often invalidates my experiences…so I am not surprised. My mother knew N3 “has problems”, but won’t label him…..

        However, this hurt my feelings even more. My sister knows me best. She knows I would never put a label on someone unless I was 100% sure. I told her about this blog, and how it was helpful in healing….she told me I should just “move on” and not make myself a “victim”.

        I am curious how many other women out there are invalidated by those closest to them? I explained to her that the end of a normal relationship is totally different that the end with an N. She’s never been ensnared by an N….and she just does not get it.

        It makes me sad I can’t share what happened to me with my family….can anyone else relate to this?

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      2. OMG T!! My one best friend knows I’ve found this site and communicate with H.G. and you all. She gets it somewhat because her past relationship was with a lesser victim alcoholic Narc and we’ve pieced together many behaviors. Also my Narc is/was a family friend and she has been appalled by his behavior to me.
        But my other close girlfriends, they all know the stories what my Narc did to me, but if I bring up this blog or narcissism as a true disorder with all the information I learned here, basically I get a look like I’m drinking the Kool-aid with some kind of cult. So I don’t anymore. Lol. Seriously, most women assume if someone keeps returning to you, there must be some real love attached. I still have one friend who insists my Narc really cared about me for stretching it out so long. It just messes with my head then.

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      3. I would say I’ve become more attuned to past co-workers or acquaintances also with an Aha moment that that is what they are.
        With other friend’s relationships, like I said my best friend where she shared lots of personal details with her past alcoholic boyfriend, yes for sure. Others, maybe? But there is also that fine line of a guy just being a player or “not that into you” but avoids confrontation.
        In retrospect, if only 4-5% of the population is wired this way, I’ve had way too many as a friend or someone intimate in my adult life. I must be a magnet!

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      4. Thanks for reminding me, M.!

        I know that already…..nobody understands except those that have been through it…but I should be able to share this with my sister….we are so close. She can’t believe someone I considered marrying could really be all that bad..he comes from a good family…we have the same morals…he really loved me….are you sure he is an N? Didn’t you go through this before? He’s just going through alot right now…he’ll change back…give him some time…

        This really boils down to the women in my family refusing to be victims…even if they are…we were raised to just keep going and suck it up. If someone acts up….leave and be done with it…they feel if a woman stays…she chooses to be victimized…

        They feel these blogs encourages self-pity….they couldn’t be more wrong…but they feel that the stock we are made from is stronger than most. We are descendants of slaves and Native Americans…and we keep a thorough history of our family. The women in my family endured a lot…but they all kept going.

        However, I am more sensitive than the rest of my kin…and that frustrates them….every woman in my family that ended up with a jerk packed up and left and never looked back….my mother recognizes I am more sensitive…and her solution to me is to pick a very caring, thoughtful, and kind man to begin with….this is hard when I meet N’s….because they just mirror me from the start. I wish they understood this..

        I won’t share this part of my life with them anymore…I know they only want the best for me…but they just don’t understand. I am thankful that you all understand…

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      5. Being highly sensitive is definitely a beacon for the Narcs to turn in your direction. Lol I know exactly that look your sister or close friends give you. It says I’m showing sympathy because she’s my dear friend (sister), but good God when will this Hot Mess phase end?

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      6. Yes, M.! That is EXACTLY the look!! They know how sensible I am about everything…and that I never hold a grudge…why would I say anything that wasn’t true about N3?

        HG, my mom and sister would never be ensnared by an N. They have excellent discernment when it comes to working out people that are full of BS! They worked out N1 on day ONE! My mother called him a “low down dirty dog”. Strong words from my nice and loving mother…lol. My sister couldn’t stand him either. N1 joked about that the last time when got back together….he said my mother was right…he wasn’t any good at that time in his life. N3’s mask started to slip around my mother after a month or so….my sister only had general conversations with him–but she really liked him. She was fooled by him, I guess…..but he was careful around my family. It was very important that they really liked him….He assumed the role as kind, loving, brother in law on date one….he’s very good at this….

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    2. (( Hugs)) Meekocat. Your anything but a narc !! x

      Hurt ,confused and angry YES with a million unanswered questions & you want to vent . ( I so get that , been there , done that, worn the t shirt )

      You want to let him know that you know what he is, how hurt you feel , provoke a reaction , because any reaction is better than silent treatment & somewhere in the back of your mind you think that he will change his mind , come back to you & all will be right in the world again .

      I promise you it doesn’t & I’m really sorry to tell you that .

      It hurts to the core but every time you message him you’re providing him with more fuel, he’ll feed on it & enjoy the fact that he’s still controlling your emotions .

      I know it’s nearly an impossible task , but try if you can to go No Contact . Narcs hate it when they feel like they are loosing control even when they have a new target .

      I was five months ( NC), he had his new supply & he found out I was going out .. Let’s just say he was more than a little bit angry .

      I understand you’re in a bad place right now and so many people will be supportive & offer kind words & advice BUT only time & NC is the way forward ..

      Whatever you do don’t let this evil person take away your future M .

      Much love .

      So Sad xx

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    3. OMG meekocat….I know, right?!! It’s like I now talk such mad shit to the narc, it’s insane. But I can’t help it, nor do I feel bad. It’s him who always reaches out to me, but I spit venom at him. Case in point, yesterday, Mothers Day. Haven’t heard from nor talked to him in months. Here’s the texts:

      Narc: Happy Mothers Day
      Me (10 hours later) : Why? I don’t have any of your out of wedlock bastard kids.
      Narc: What a bitch.
      Me : No, you’re the bitch covert narcissist, dude. I’m a cunt. Get it straight.
      Narc: You are so mean. I only said Happy Mothers Day. It won’t happen again.
      Me: Sure it will. Because you’re a little bitch and I own you.
      Narc: ok whatever. Do you still want those cranberries from that church?

      No response from me after that. I realize he’s running low on fuel right now because back in the day he would’ve really cussed me out but he was all humble (broken down , short on supply). I can’t help but talk shit to the jerk. NOT because I still love or care about him, but because he’s a complete idiot and he knows his mask is blown wide off with me. And it feels good too kicking him when he’s down. I’m sorry but I can’t help it.

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      1. …for both of him and me, HG. I like doing it so I get the “fuel” high you speak of. I would never have been able to do that in the past because it would have only hurt myself (emotionally). Now? It’s like “game on” ass clown!

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      2. Why can’t you just say thank you? And ignore the rest? Whether or not he/ she is a narc you are still being emotionally abusive because you are in control…and they are still human. Actually, most narcissists become that way because they were ignored/ neglected as a child. No point in continuing the suffering. If you are truly over it, you would no longer desire to hurt them.Let it go.

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    4. I am an empath that has developed quite a narcissistic streak…I think as a way to cope. I love the narcs. Lol and they love me. I am just enough sweetheart and just enough asshole that they can’t resist. Fight fire with fire. Up your game or get far away and heal. Those are your choices. Right now I choose to stay and play but I might cut him off at the knees tomorrow. They can’t break you unless you let them. Realize your power. You have a lot more than you realize or than they will ever admit. If letting him have it makes you feel better…do it. Do whatever the fuck you want. It makes them crazy. I always ask my love, and I do love him very much…why would a man who loves control, choose a woman he can’t control? He laughs but he knows I am a formidable opponent and better on his side than against. Sometimes he has me right where he wants me. Sometimes I have him right where I want him.

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    5. Pray and stay away it gets easier. He through his manipulation has caused your thoughts and your strong desire to contact him. He never ever cared that’s the hard truth that you have to face. Let it comfort you. I found that one thing HG said to be my key to finding the man who loves me completely. Imagine that day when your love is returned 100 fold. Remember that no matter how hard you try to save him it WONT EVER happen. There is not one doctor or therapist that has any hope for these evil people. There is a special place in hell for these kind and if your lucky God will let you see him burn. IT’S ONLY NATURAL AND HUMAN TO FEEL SORRY these people they are not humans, they are evil. Look at all the bible had to say about Satan it is an exact word for word description of a narcissistic being. That is the battle, it’s good verses evil use your energy to work on you and reading this is a good start to see just what you have gotten yourself into. Plug into the sites of the girls who have moved on. Fight you now to never contact him again, fight those strong feelings every time they come. One call or even a response gives them the fuel they need… starve him. If it’s love you desire you will never get it from him, ever. 2nd Timothy 1:7 God has not given you a spirit of fear, but of peace, love, and a sound mind. Let that sink in when you fear your coward.

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  9. Ahhh EXPOSURE .. I exposed Narc publicly & he wasn’t a happy bunny !!! He did EVERYTHING he could to try & stop me . Hacked & deleted several online accounts I had . Stalked, harassed & threatened me, and of course called me a lying bipolar nut job to name a few things ..

    Hurts, burns & wounds sound good to me .. 🙂 SHAME 🙂

    Thanks HG

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  10. T, you are preaching to the choir. If a person has not experienced a narc first-hand, they will look at you with pity and think to themselves (the nicer ones- the witchy ones will tell you to your face): poor T, she got dumped for another woman and is unable to let N3 go. And let’s face it, just as women are finally “getting” all the tell tale signs of HJNTIY (He’s just not that into you), they will look at any “excuse” as a weak rationalization by a woman who just can’t let go. Men dump one woman for another all the time (and vice versa)- “obviously” it means he likes the new person better! And oh, how this f’s with our head, because that’s what we’re trained to believe as well… 🙁

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    1. You get it, Cody!

      However, N3 left me in such a way that it APPEARS to my family that he did the right thing! He was laid off and had to enroll back into college to retrain for another line of work. He couldn’t marry me for almost 3 years….and he couldn’t ask me to wait. He didn’t leave me for another woman. So, if he were to run into any of my family he could cry victim…and act sad…he was never abusive in their presence. Even when he pulled the silent treatment after a death in the family could be excused away. There were NO witnesses….and he still doesn’t have another steady. He has been going through all the girls on Match–but no relationship. He could just ring the doorbell and con my sister with this sad story…and he knows if they think well of him…it’d be easy to get me back.

      However, that won’t work because I am done with him. I just wish they could see the WHOLE TRUTH!!!

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  11. #4…what if you were to lose your powers; and the ability to seduce wanes? It’s not a “what if”, it’s more of a “when”. Let’s be honest here. You have no kids, which leaves a very strong probability that strangers will be your ultimate caretakers in the final years. No matter how much you plan for a comfortable retirement, vultures such as yourself, are always on the prowl. There will come a time when you’ll have to depend on the integrity of strangers to hopefully put your best interests at heart. And given what you know about the art of manipulation, you might never see them coming. Until it’s too late. By that time no one would believe a crazy old man and his nonsensical ramblings about gaslighting, abuse, intimidation, and suspicions. Don’t you ever think about that? About having a taste of your own medicine? How , do you think, you would fare in that instance?

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    1. Never underestimate the persuasive power of money. Ally that with my undimmed capabilities and I have no concerns. I will not have to rely on strangers. I have nieces and nephews. I don’t follow your comment “and given what you know about the art of manipulation, you might never see them coming. Until it’s too late.”Since I know so much about manipulation then I will see any attempted manipulation of me most readily.

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  12. #5…the creature. You know, HG, I believe everybody has that creature inside of them that makes us feel crappy some days….unworthy….useless, hopeless, etc. Just overall beats us up inside. But what most non narcissists do is take their pain. Ultimately that’s what this boils down to. A narc just can’t take their own pain. They have to put it on someone else. And in the most emotionally devastating way possible. I see this is most likely the torture narcs have inside all the time. The pain you guys inflict must be just a fraction of the real pain that lives inside of you each and every day. But narcs don’t have the fortitude to face it head on, so why not throw it back at nature and tear someone who loved you apart with it. Over and over again. Who’s really the weak ones here?

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    1. I have a really hard time understanding why someone would want to purposely inflict this kind/their pain on someone who truly loved them, or anyone really. What kind of person purposely wants to cause someone this kind of pain???
      It was all a game from the start. I wish I would have known more about narcissists because mine was textbook.
      Love bombing non stop, the stare where you feel like they’re looking into your soul,
      Mirroring you completely, future faking, convincing you that they’re your soul mate, then once they are sure you’re really in love with them… The discard… Or looking back it was the first silent treatment.
      It hurts like nothing I have ever experienced before. The energy between us was the most amazing thing I’ve ever felt and I swear he could read my mind.
      How do they fake that? I guess they mirror your energy back?
      This is pure torture.

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      1. I’ve been really patient him and put up with a lot since some of his narc symptoms match PTSD.
        Which he has from serving over 20 years in the military.
        Of course, looking back, he uses it as a way to gain sympathy.
        I’ve been very polite but today, I feel like telling him to go f*ck himself and that I no longer love him, because what/who I loved never existed.
        He’s pure fucking evil.

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      2. If you do tell him to fuck himself you will be giving him fuel, even if it makes you feel better for getting it off your chest and thus you will be signalling to him that there is more fuel to obtain from you. You would be better served sending a message stating “I do not love you. You do not exist.”

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      3. Thank you! I thought of sending a very similar message! I don’t think it would be as effective in the middle of a silent treatment as it would when he returns with “I miss you!”

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  13. Its amazing how accurate this is. I have just discovered my mother in law is a narc, and certainly lives up to everything I have read! She has controlled her children all their lives (she is in her 70’s now) and is the most vile person I know. We have just discovered this, as my father in law recently passed away of cancer, and the way she treated him while is was poorly is beyond belief! After looking into finding a reason why his mother could be so nasty to everyone, my husband finally found the answer, narcissism, and after thinking about the past and his childhood, and his relationship with his sister, it all fits into place like a jigsaw. She is a prime example of a physchopathic narc. My sister in law was the scapegoat, and by god has she suffered! She has lied about her for years, and we fell for it. We just never thought she would make up such horrible stuff! My mother in law split up my husband from his sister for 3 years, and when they started speaking, she tried to ‘put a spanner in the works’, but fortunately they are stronger than ever, and trying not to let her poison spoil things again.

    We haven’t seen her since my father in laws funeral 3 months ago, but she has someone else in the family to control now! But I am waiting for the next thing to happen now. Things are too quiet for her, and I just know, whether its next week or in 3 months, she will try to spread her venom once more.

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    1. Hello Sassylass and thank you for your post. Although it has taken some time you have worked out what is going on, from the divide and conquer, the golden child v the scapegoat, to the so extreme it must be true and also in realising that she will be back for more. Question is; what do you intend to do?

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      1. Hi, my husband and I will definitely have no contact, we are not willing to let her play games with us, she did while my father in law was dying, and because of that, we had no choice, for my father in laws sake, we kept the peace. Unfortunately, my husband has a handicapped brother whom we would like to see, but she won’t let us, so is using him now to try and hurt us. How low can you go! It won’t work though.
        My sister in law also says she won’t entertain her, but if her mother or older sister (who seems to go along with her mother) ring her, she will speak to them, therefore allowing them to wind her up. I’m trying to get through to her to block them out altogether, so they can’t spread their poison. If you block them off, what you don’t know, doesn’t hurt, and they can’t get their satisfaction.

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      2. Hi Malignnarc, yes the battle lines are being drawn, and will not be removed! We only realised last week exactly what she is! My husband was trying to look for answers, maybe hoping there was a reason why she was like she is and if we could help. But there is no way back now. I have known her for almost 30 years, and after looking up narcissism, we were gobsmacked, every trait, she has got. It was also shocking finding out how many people are suffering through narcissistic mothers, and how they have had a dentrimental effect on their lives. It is amazing. I have already read quite a lot on the subject now, and it has been really helpful as to how to deal with her. It is like arming yourself for battle, but the more knowledge you have, the better you know how to guard yourself against them.

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      3. Well put. It is very much the case that many people do not realise what they are dealing with. They may think someone is self-centred, they may think their behaviour is arrogant or entitled but accept that is just the way it is. With others it goes further and the abuse is recognised but cannot be linked to anything so the victim just goes around in circles, fire-fighting and trying to resolve a situation that cannot be resolved through persuasion and trying to get the abuser to change. Once you realise someone is one of our kind, so much makes sense. It of course takes much longer to deal with the emotional (and other types) fallout which arises but knowing what it is and then understanding it are the two largest steps anybody can take. Yes, the legacy of narcissistic mothers goes far further than people appreciate.

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  14. What about when they choose to file for divorce? Does ignoring them still work or not since they chose to leave? Also he insists his text to another woman where just to get her to do her job, a job he created for her….should I expose him by showing the evidence I have? He is mayor of our small town that we live in.

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    1. Just because we choose to “leave” does not mean that we will not come back for more fuel. That is why you need to maintain a state of no contact and ignore us.
      With regard to the text, he is already denying and deflecting any attribution of blame and will continue to do so. Who do you intend to expose him to?

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  15. Hello, I confronted the narc that I’ve been dating off and on for four years. I told him I know he’s a narc and I still love him unconditionally. After that he smiled immediately, and started talking about marriage. He then proposed about two weeks later with no ring and I declined because of his absurd terms. (He wanted to still be able to cheat) He then said “But you know what I am and still love me, just marry me” his face looked scary or maybe vulnerable. He’s the shy/player type. What do you think his true intentions were with asking me to marry him out of the blue, when we don’t even have a title? I had so many possibilities pop up in my mind. Lol. Maybe he just proposed to make sure I don’t tell everyone what he really is?

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    1. His proposal was designed to bind you closer to him so that he could draw fuel from you and still do as he pleased. It was also to test just how compliant you might prove to be. If you agreed, knowing what you know, he would have it confirmed that you were truly under his control and therefore his abuse of you would be extensive and long-lasting.

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  16. Another Excellent article HG…another A++…from me… He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster…when you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you…Frederich Nietzsche…Em-paths…not unlike narcissists…have an extreme need to know and can be obsessed with being useful as that is what makes them feel whole or worthy too…worthy, by their own inner definition…that must be garnered through another source…meaning…we need someone to help enable us to feel…useful & valuable too…like a narcissist, we need to feel this way in order for our inner selves to feel we are worthy…that is the key to how we are truly similar. Both types, have to have and do this to feel alive…and use other people to accomplish this for ourselves……….when we as em-paths have brick walls put up in place of answers because of their perception that we fail them, this hampers our our ability to get to the bottom of things or fix things because we are being tampered with then, we don’t know the answers, to too many things that remain a mystery.They want us to never be able to fix anything on purpose and this messes with our psyche drastically and keeps us off balance…feeling helpless and unworthy and not useful…to ourselves or others. We too can become obsessed with helping and knowing and their in lies similar trait. we are ONLY able to satisfy this need in our lives with “others”…just like them. Anyone…obsessed with anything that is not having the desired impact or effect, will not be able to achieve their desired goals through what would be considered normal channels, and if this persists for a prolonged period of time, you will take on further negative Narcissistic traits. How do you think they became one in the first place…how do you think they know how to turn you into one…by doing to you…what was done to them…their goal is to make you into them…& if not and they can’t cause you are not them their mom…you will feel their pain, & know what they went through and they secretly hope to teach you in the name of their survivalto be what it is they need from you,until you fix for them what they did not get…get it wrong and they will make you become how they feel inside…useless and a broken “hot mess”…extremely needy and moved on from…but they too, they understand that it is easier to live with the abused than the norms as they have nothing in common with them truth be told and in order to live among them, they would have to be “on” at all times…that is why they are more like themselves at home…than anywhere else. They know that when they meet us, that we are devoid as well…and have most likely …had the same done to us so surely we will understand them they think and not be the one to do it to them again. But they don’t care about us at all if we can not fix that first relationship…or then care to help us fix our own either. They will inflict the very thing that will kill you again on top of what already killed you too before…which is to make you take their pain from them, so that they can feel whole and superior for this time having done the right thing to their mother…through you…if you don’t fix what is wrong…in you…for you…are… his replacement mother tis all and he wants you to get it right…for her…& him this time. You have to make up for her mistake. if you can’t…you kill them again on top of them killing themselves figuratively and literally already. Then they get busy taking everything for them including what is yours, hoping you don’t notice and then stand there bold faced again and say, didn’t I do good, now tell me I am worthy !!…something not quite right there…did you catch it…To keep someone on purpose from getting what they need for a prolonged period of time, creates many a psychosis including narcissism to be sure. A great deal of em-path, borderlines are narcissistic to begin with as well, as they were deprived in similar ways when young of a healthy family unit and yes most likely treated the same by a family member and later a spouse, and others that were emulating the same mother or father behavior too in turn and making you their scapegoat. so we are usually also trying to play out a past role with the narcissist just as the narcissist partner is trying to do with us. Both want to get what they need from the past parent relationship, both do not, after the golden period. Both because they can’t for the other… fix what the parent did and still does, then, because you both won’t…function… you failed them and they will never give you another chance…but the past family dynamics failed you both.

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  17. I love number one: I leave and never come back. The wound will remain open as I long as I am here. It will never close. So as for my asshole of a narc you have your sig one and she can deal with your dumb ass

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