Ten Tall Narcissistic Tales

The tall tale comes naturally to our kind. It is a necessary device to preserve the image that we want the world to see. It is a consequence of our belief in our brilliance, attractiveness and omnipotence. Social conditioning means that people rarely challenge deviations from the truth, these white lies oil our interaction with one another and often prove entertaining. To us however the tall tale is a necessary device. Each has three constituent parts; the lie, the truth we deny and the reason why.

1. I could have been a model you know.

I am not ugly, far from it, I am possessed of good looks but I maintain that I am stunning, my beauty is such it would launch a thousand ships a la Helen of Troy. I did a little modelling when I was younger, well, if you call parading up and down in front of the mirror in my bedroom modelling. I am attractive but I see myself as transcending that and being jaw-droppingly handsome, eye-widening beautiful and of considerable arousing allure. By maintaining that I could have been a model I reinforce my attractiveness and send some wow factor in your direction to seduce you. All the while I tell myself this to avoid staring at the aging face that is slowly succumbing to age in the bathroom mirror each day and hearing its mocking hisses.

2. I am a head of department and almost on the board.

I am a cookie-cutter who will never rise above satisfactory and this fact pains me considerably but I should be head of the department here, but it is those idiots in charge who fail to recognise my talents and brilliance. They have it in for me you see, they are scared I will get rid of them because I am better than them, so they respond they only way they can, by denying me my rightful promotions. I may not be head of department but I should be and therefore to my mind it is entirely acceptable to tell you that I am, after all, you are not going to be impressed by my cookie cutting skills are you?

3. I have several published papers.

I am an intellectual genius, a behemoth of the scientific community, polymath and leading light and I know that since you are of an academic bent that you will be impressed by my association with prestigious researchers and scientists. I read about them but I don’t know them, but that is not going to stop me in my vainglorious attempt to amaze and delight you. I did once have an article published in a niche journal some time ago but I refer to it as something that drew its own editorial in a major scientific publication. If only more people would listen to me then they would start to understand just how talented I really am.

4. I am a close personal friend of….

Athlete, writer, playwright or film star. Take your pick. I will know at least one and shall regale you with invented tales of lunch dates, childhood connections and telephone calls to congratulate him or her on the latest Oscar success. I know your eyes light up at the mention of his or her name. I know that you think that I must be something special to know someone special and I know you will hang around all the while longer just in case I manage to broker a meeting for you with someone I happened to see attending a film premiere. On television.

5. I love family occasions, I am a brilliant host.

All back to mine is one of my favourite refrains. I always want the family over for dinner, for a BBQ, to celebrate the good times. I want you thinking that I am mein host, the bon viveur and possessed of a certain joie de vivre. The only time I will countenance such attendance is when I know everyone will be looking at me. Every other occasion I hijack in order to make it all about me, so much so that my treacherous, lying and seditious family rarely invite me to anything these days. I don’t want you knowing that yet of course, I want you to believe I am the life and soul of the party and I am a genuine, family man. That is far more attractive than the twisted person who is ostracised by his family that I have become.

6. I enjoy a drink, just to be sociable.

Who doesn’t enjoy a drink? If someone doesn’t drink, I am suspicious of them. Everyone likes to drink, it oils the wheels of social interaction, makes a good time great and reduces inhibitions. I know plenty about wine and will happily impress you with the extent of my knowledge as I walk the attractive line that shows me to be a chap who enjoys a good time without going over board. It is all in moderation of course. Nobody likes an old soak, a drunkard, a lush, a foul and abusive tyrant who uses the demon drink as a crutch to keep the demons at bay when you cruel and savage traitors deny me my rightful fuel. If I say I enjoy a drink and I don’t have a problem, then I don’t have a problem do I? Now fetch me another beer and get off my back.

7. I only have your best interests at heart.

I care about you so much that I would do anything for you and it is all predicated on my concern for your well-being. You lap that up and so does everyone else who falls for my façade of caring and compassionate partner. How lucky you are to have someone so caring. It is the panacea to rationalise everything that I do, no matter how cruel, how base or how harsh. By telling you, the world and most of all myself that what I do is well-intentioned and only in your best interests then that makes it entirely acceptable, noble even. Doesn’t it?

8. I am going to show you what great sex really is.

It is usually stated in a more graphic and profane way to allow you to pretend to be shocked by my visceral and animalistic lust for you, when really you are thrilled to be taken in this manner, for it accords with the conditioning of our roles doesn’t it? The promise of sexual nirvana is a powerful attraction indeed and one few resist. Yet if I happen to provide you with a thrilling sexual encounter which leaves you panting and clamouring for more, I did not do it to show you, I did it to show myself how fantastic I am between the sheets. Then again, there are those of our kind who really have no interest in delivering but the maintenance of the myth, through easily spoken words, is a requirement to ensure you remain drawn to us. They will talk you into bed and then strangely fall silent, until the blaming excuses for non-performance come your way.

9. I have one like that, only….

The back-handed compliment which is purely a device to create an opening for us to boast and brag about how brilliant our car is, how loud our stereo system is, how large our house is, how expensive our clothes are and so forth. Got a forehead have you? Well, I have a fivehead. See, whatever you have I have bigger, better and more of. The truth is I do not, but I wish I have and in fact were it not for this cruel and tortuous world that I have been thrust into, I would have all these things. It is all their fault. It is all your fault. I do of course know all about those things which are bigger and better, even if I do not have them and that knowledge is sufficient pretence to impress you and draw you in, belittle someone else and steal their thunder whilst assuaging my rampaging sense of envy.

10. I don’t think I could love you any more than I do.

From the stable of outlandish declarations of love and it is designed to sweep you off your feet in the manner that society has conditioned you to expect. All I am doing is living up to that expectation and trotting out such seemingly wonderful and meaningful statements which are utterly empty. Except this is no tall tale. This is a rare nugget of truth that has fallen from my perfidious mouth. You of course regard it as a wonderful and delightful statement of my unprecedented love for you. What I am really telling you is the truth, I cannot love you any more that I do, because I do not love you.

49 thoughts on “Ten Tall Narcissistic Tales

  1. Noname says:

    I told it somewhere else on this blog, but I want to repeat it. You definitely have balls of steel, Tudor.

    Admitting those “lie-technics” even to yourself (not saying about public admission) isn’t an easy task. It sounds so easy in your text, but I can imagine how hard it was for you. Sincere respect and bravo.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Noname.

  2. T says:

    #9: N1 never let a chance to poke fun at my Blackberry go by. I loved that phone….it was burgundy in color and had a real keypad! I refused at that time to upgrade to an iPhone because I’d have to give up the real keypad that was exclusive to Blackberry. It was 2011…and I should have upgraded….after we broke up I had to upgrade my phone…and I then saw what all the iPhone fuss was about. I am an iPhone girl!

    N3 would tease me because he was a Samsung guy….he told my iPhones were lousy and he teased me all the time about making such a dumb choice….

    With my ex N’s….it was always about them having a better phone than me….*smh*

    1. nikitalondon says:

      Hahaha T men in general have a better phone 😉. My brother has a better phone than me, my ex husband told my son that although our phones are the same, his is better, better color or whatever.
      maybe its cultural but in university our male colleagues always had better stuff than all of us girls. In my country at least its given that men have better things than women.. 😂😂. Its just like the sun comes out every day.
      Latin america is a macho culture not so much as spain or Italy but very near.

      1. T says:

        lol! Believe or not, Nikita….men are ALL the same! It’s the same way in the U.S.A.! Lol! The men in America are usually more diplomatic about it….but it’s an unspoken rule to always let a man (father, brother,uncle,husband) make the decisions (NEVER ask for directions and never give him directions on a road trip!! Lol).

        I thought the phone thing was personal….but it wasn’t. It was just American male privilege….anything I purchased with my own $ (my home, cars, phones) were always “less than” when I didn’t ask the men in my life for their opinions about it first! Lol

        1. nikitalondon says:

          Hi T

          Yes all of the above I never did. Instruct a man on the road. NO WAY …. Are you crazy!!! 😂😂😂 and I think they would not even listen. But this is normal in latin america. We dont even try …

          1. T says:

            lol! Nikita, I have sat in the passenger’s seat for HOURS with my mouth shut while my boyfriend(s) have been lost on the road. Even though I always know a shortcut….I dare not bruise the male ego..lol

          2. mlaclarece says:

            Are you two for real? My time is too valuable to ride aimlessly if a guy is truly mixed up and lost. He has about 20 minutes top to get his navigation skills together or we’re stopping for directions. Lol

          3. malignnarc says:

            I always know the way.

          4. T says:

            Rules #1 and #2 apply on road trips as well, HG….💋👍🏽

          5. mlaclarece says:

            No, the Bat Mobile knows the way.

          6. T says:

            Absolutely, M!!

            The male ego is very fragile…when you let them know that YOU KNOW they are lost…it makes them feel like they are incompetent to take care of you….

            I just sit there and smile sweetly. 🙂

          7. mlaclarece says:

            Like I said, in the end I’m always taking care of me so I don’t have a lot of time to indulge an ego if they can’t back it up. Someone driving around aimlessly for hours just looks completely incompetent. If they don’t have enough sense to ask for directions for their own peace of mind, I’d never get in a car with them again. Lol

          8. T says:

            M., you can be right or you can be happy😀

          9. mlaclarece says:

            Yes Ma’am! The right guy for me will know his limitations and ask for help.

          10. T says:

            American men know limitations?? If it were up to us women….we wouldn’t have ever left Europe! Lol! Even though it was a mess….we’d be content there in our corner of the world knitting sweaters and making the best of it. I’m not sure God put the definition of “limitation” in men….otherwise we’d have never came to America or went to the moon.
            The concept you have of such a man is nice….however, I personally prefer the alpha intellectuals..if they don’t know-they’ll figure it out themselves.

            Have a blessed day, M.!😀

          11. malignnarc says:

            T are you suggesting Europe was in a mess?

          12. T says:

            That’s what’s in our history books. Religious freedom was a huge problem, too. That’s why people fled.

          13. malignnarc says:

            Ahh indeed. Mayflower and so forth.

          14. T says:

            …..although, our history books have been known to be “embellished”…….that’s how we learned it. I only had one European American many greats grandfather….(Irish or German) that procreated with one of his slaves. So my history is a little different than most Americans….we didn’t get the oral history of that side of the family…..even though he was a nice man that educated all of his sons….even the ones he had with the “help”.

          15. nikitalondon says:

            You trouble lady!!! Not in latin america Clarence… And here with the Germam speaking machos… Neither LOL

  3. observant says:

    “First, best, and worst” in any conversation… Ironically, many empaths appear to be guilty of one-upmanship, too. When we do it, the intention is to show that we understand your hardship, have felt your joy, enjoyed visiting the same place, disliked the same restaurants, etc.

    1. malignnarc says:

      A pertinent observation, Observant.

  4. What an assortment of views…718

  5. Cara says:

    But you’re NOT a brilliant hostess, Mother. You’re a raving crazy person who insists on having Christmas at your place & then spends weeks leading up to it pushing Daddy around to get him to help you prepare the house. Christmas comes & Daddy has horror stories to tell about being made to go up on ladders (he’s 73, you’ve got money, hire a guy to come, dammit).

    And you certainly do NOT have my best interests at heart. You have your own interests in mind. The end.

    1. nikitalondon says:

      Cara. Your stories are really very sadenning.
      Your mother sounds like a very harsh woman 😢. Did she grow up in a harsh environment without much love?

      1. Cara says:

        My mother’s father sexually abused her when she was a child.

        1. nikitalondon says:

          Ohh no 😢😢. All the best and lots of light to your recovery… And hers 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

  6. Are you a cookie cutter HG ?

    1. malignnarc says:

      No I’m not at all but I have exaggerated my position on the way up to where I am now.

      1. Is that another lie HG…..

        1. malignnarc says:


          1. nikitalondon says:

            You are the best blogger and the best writer… ❤️. Up high in what you love doing and this is really what counts.

          2. malignnarc says:

            Thank you Nikita.

          3. Hahhahaha I’ll have a chocolate chip 💋

          4. Actually, no, make it a raisin chewy cookie

          5. Can I get fries with that ?

          6. malignnarc says:

            You may have whatever you like Alexis.

          7. Whatever I want HG ? You make me feel so special, like I’m the only one 💋

          8. But can you still smile and say, ‘you’re welcome, have a nice day’ hahhaha

  7. mlaclarece says:

    This would make a very handy cliff notes supplement entitled, “Love-Bombing for Dummies”. It’s the handy checklist to keep by your side as someone new attempts their deliberate assault of tactics that would usually sway someone unsuspecting! Nicely played H.G.!!

    1. malignnarc says:

      Thank you Clarece.

    2. nikitalondon says:

      Hi clarence,

      If you dont mind. Could you explain what you meant? I did not understand after the lovebombing for Dummies..
      Thanks and its also ok if you dont feel like explaining.

      1. mlaclarece says:

        There is a series of books for every possible category ranging from computer software programs, finance, DIY home repair, Networking, Sex, etc., all with a yellow cover (like a cliff notes study guide booklet). For example titles can be:
        Excel for Dummies
        Resumes for Dummies
        Mutual Funds for Dummies
        Brewing Beer for Dummies

        H.G. can add Love-bombing for Dummies and reach a whole new crowd of Narc wannabes. Lol

        1. nikitalondon says:

          Hi clarence

          Thanks. Got it! I know the dummies book. I once got one for Access database 😖

  8. Non Draco Sit Mihi Dux says:

    I delight in being ordinary, in flying under the radar in relative obscurity. It allows me the opportunity to work without distraction or interference, to focus with great intensity towards a goal without attracting attention. Being ordinary: that is a calling. Marriage? That is a greater calling. Two essentially separate individuals melding into an effective whole, difficult at best: without an infusion of transcendent motivation on both sides, almost impossible for many to spiritually afford. But where it exists, well … we’re back to that emotion that has no voice … and we both have experienced that, at least in the passing.

  9. j says:

    Oh how rediculas do we have to be? When I broke off with him . He exclaimed how he had to get out and work to eat. Well doesn’t everyone? Well everyone but a low life male succubus. Or a narcissist.

  10. nikitalondon says:

    My hears came out black because I wrote from the computer 🙁 but they were actually meant to be red.

  11. nikitalondon says:

    What a very great list ! So true of what all that got said. Specially for me No. 7 does ring painful memories from my marriage.
    I think this list gets importance depending on the personality and values and beliefs of the person. For me No. 5,6,7 and 10 would be of importance that I would not start a partnership living a lie concerning them, and the others rather secondary and if living a lie would not be such a sad impact to discover it. Family and a healthy living are an important part of my life and therefor need some alignment.
    And 7 and 10 , are of course a shock if you are with somebody which says I love I love you, Im here to care and cure and does totally the contrary is also a bad shock.
    I guess all of us have been lied to in one of these aspects . Lucky the ones that did not get lied to within their main beliefs.
    The other lies of course are a disappointment to find out but not because of the subject of the lie itself but because it’s a disappointment to find out you were lied to even if its not a big impact.

    Thanks for posting and this information HG. Very valuable and Contributes once more to our understanding. 🙂

    PS. You are beautiful not matter how you look <3 <3 <3

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