The Five Triggers of Devaluation (And Is There a Safety Catch?)

 

 

You will be familiar with the fact that one day you are cock of the walk and the next day you are a feather duster. You are atop the pedestal and in a flash you have been thrown from it and you are lying in the dust as we stand over you berating you. The sudden switch from hero to zero, from princess to pauper, from “good person” to “bad person” is perhaps the most confusing, bewildering and upsetting part of our behaviour. People cannot comprehend why they were being feted as the love of our life on Monday and then by Tuesday they are the devil incarnate. It is something which causes (and of course we want this) victims of our nefarious behaviour to cling to us in order to get an answer, to receive an explanation and some kind of reasoning which will allow them to make sense of what has happened. They are unlikely to accept it, the emotional hold of the seduction and the golden period prevents acceptance of this sudden fall from grace for a very long time, but if you are able to understand why it happened, you are able to move yourself forward with greater speed than you would otherwise. Our reasons may appear illogical to you based on your world view but at least you have some reasons and that is more than you would usually ever receive from our kind as we plough on with your devaluation offering no cogent or realistic explanation for this sudden switch. I am not explaining why we devalue you (fuel, control, reinforcement of our need for superiority and self-worth). I am explaining what is it that makes us love you then hate you in the blink of an eye. What causes this sudden change, this 180-degree swing, this volte face, this switch? You will be given no answer or if you are they will not be anything to do with the real reason why we suddenly idealise you then devalue you. This false reasons are wheeled out to make you remain all the more, pursuing an elusive point as we continue to drain you of negative fuel until we decide you are to be discarded. Thus, here are the five reasons that are the triggers for the devaluation.

 

  1. Stale

The fundamental reason for seducing you is to gather your potent and positive fuel. In the beginning and for some time afterwards we are invigorated by this precious fuel that you supply to us. We are reliant on it, we want and need it and we marvel at the fuel you provide us. This may last months or it may even last years dependent on our demands and your ability to fulfil them. Your complacency however causes the fuel to become stale to us. You may not regard yourself as having done anything wrong. We understand that according to your view of how a healthy and mature relationship should progress that after a dizzying, honeymoon period the relationship moves to a deep-seated position where that initial buzz of excitement has faded to be replaced by something long-lasting, substantial and fulfilling. Should you appreciate your relationship with us with this mind set, it results in us seeing you as complacent. You may regard it as a natural and understandable, indeed potentially necessary progression. We do not. Your failure to admire us in the way you once did (or at least the manifestation of this admiration), your demonstration of love, adoration and such like becomes lessened. You may not think that you love us any less but it is the way that appears to us that matters. This change manifests as complacency to us and it makes your fuel become stale, less potent and this in turn threatens to weaken us. In order to defend ourselves we must immediately switch to the devaluation and extract the negative fuel from you which will power us to the extent we want and demand.

 

  1. Disobedience

Our sense of entitlement, inability to recognise and respect boundaries and huge need for control means that we have to have you do what we want. This control arises through the application of the incentive, the carrot approach, when we have seduced you and the golden period is in play. Through the application of wonderful and loving behaviour we cause you to do what we want by providing fuel and carrying out our wishes. We have delighted you and you want to please us in return. We provide you with the love you desire and you respond by complying with our requirements. When you stop submitting to this benign control then we will switch and commence the devaluation. You may, when viewed objectively by others, be correct in not doing what we want, taking an alternative course of action and doing something else but to us that is irrelevant. You are challenging our control and this cannot be countenanced. In order to stamp out this uprising before it gains traction and undermines our careful operation that has been constructed to control you and gain fuel from you, we must tighten our control, remove the dissent and increase our grip on you. This is when the devaluation begins. We move from benign dictator to malign tyrant.

 

  1. See Through

If we apprehend that you are working us out. If we perceive that you have been influenced by another source and you are joining the dots. If we gauge that you are beginning to realise what we are and what we are doing, then we must strike first in order to shock and awe you into submission once more and dispel your fabrications. You may well be right but we are not going to accept you being right. We will switch to the devaluation in order to unleash all those manipulations which will confuse you, drain you and most of all make out that it is all your fault. We have done nothing wrong other than love you with a perfect love and instead you have brought this on yourself through your lies about what we are and your treachery. We cannot allow you to unmask us and therefore we will assault you with a frenzied devaluation which gives you no option other than to try and defend yourself so you lose sight of your goal of seeing through us. We will make you feel guilty, cruel and heartless in the hope of tapping into your empathic traits so you stop what you have been doing and concentrate on putting things right between us, mending the relationship and showing that you care. The commencement of the devaluation when you are uncovering what we are is a massive distraction exercise designed to protect us and harm you.

 

  1. The Hoover Opportunity

 

This is not a hoover against you. Instead it is the opportunity which suddenly arises to hoover a predecessor. This person may have been discarded and moved away from our sphere of influence or they have escaped and done likewise, but now something has happened whereby they have come back into our sphere of influence. The promise of that sweet and powerful hoover fuel will outweigh the positive fuel that you are currently providing us with. The prospect of getting this hoover fuel means that we want to focus our attention on the predecessor and hoover them. We will not get shot of you, not yet, because that will leave us in in-between primary sources of fuel. Instead, we commence the hoover to seduce again your predecessor and thus because they have appeared on the horizon they make you look like the less desirable option. This causes us to question why we are with you, to regard you as a mistake and therefore we switch to devaluing you as we begin the seduction of them once again. Should the hoover fail, expect the golden period to be reinstated for you, with another sudden switch. Should it succeed and we begin to tie the predecessor back to us once more with the hoover fuel beginning to flow, you can expect the devaluation to worsen as you hurtle towards being discarded.

A sudden switch to devaluation may indeed herald the fact that a predecessor has appeared on our radar and we are hoovering that person at your expense.

 

  1. Total Control

You are aware that we want to control you. This is fundamental to the dynamic between us. Yet, as a further example of the double standards that we engage in we want to control you and if you disobey us we will commence your devaluation but furthermore if we believe we have obtained total control over you then we will similarly commence your devaluation because we know that you will do anything that we want and we will just use you to validate ourselves in the event that other, more exciting prospects do not fuel us during the course of the day. You become relegated to the reliable and dependable, because you are actually doing precisely what we want, but through our warped logic, this equates to you no longer being special. Thus we need to make you special to us once again and we do this through valuation. We will not cast you aside when we have achieved total control, not at all. This state of affairs brings with it considerable benefits but they will now be channelled through the filter of devaluation and not idealisation. It is symptomatic of the bizarre (when judged from your perspective) logic we apply that when you finally do the very thing we want, we turn against you and begin your devaluation.

 

How do you deal with all of this? The short answer is you cannot. Any of these five reasons may suddenly apply without warning and your devaluation starts. You cannot avoid it and you could not avoid it. You did nothing wrong, but you did everything wrong from our world view. There is nothing you can do to avoid this happening, because once the trigger happens, the devaluation will follow. The thing you can draw the greatest solace from however is than in knowing this is how we are, in knowing that there was nothing you can do or you could have done to have changed the outcome, you at least now have this knowledge and through it you can attain freedom from the doubt, uncertainty and sheer bewilderment of wondering why it happened.

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71 thoughts on “The Five Triggers of Devaluation (And Is There a Safety Catch?)”

  1. Sad sad sad to acknowledge and flash back on how many times it happened and we had not a clue what was going on.
    So well explained so on that side good to read. Its so perfectly detailed that I can go straight to the situation and classify them easily in any of the above.

    Thanks for posting HG. good read. ☀️

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      1. I think i fall into category 1…i was so incredibly happy and thought it was a movie and best honeymoon phase and then boom…i was getting cold vibes, looked down upon…for about a year until finally i was completely broken and therefore useless. Do they really have the ability to flip the switch when you seem to be at your happiest?

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    1. I agree. If only I could have recognized the signs a long time ago I wouldn’t be in the emotional mess. We really need to do more in terms of educating people on cluster b behavioral patterns so that people can protect themselves.

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  2. Thank you HG! I have read nearly all your works & as usual I have gained useful knowledge. I have concluded by this article that I merely became stale to him. He is now incarcerated & tries very hard to extract fuel from me & triangulate me with his new victim. I do not triangulate easily so he becomes frustrated quickly with me in which I now laugh audibly & he makes very childish statements like, hey you’re not being very nice anymore, I need your support. Through you, I have been able to detect if he is seeking positive or negative fuel & simply provide the opposite. I have also been able to idealize, devalue, & discard him in a few conversations which then expresses that I confuse him. I respond -I sir have been dancing with the devil since before you were born ( I’m 16 years his senior & he was my 4th N) And I am your first full run at this. I guess I don’t fully understand, if he verbalizes that I’m injuring him, why on Gods green earth does he continue to attempt a Hoover? He has caught himself verbally listing things wrong with me & the only thing that ever slips out is that I would rather attack others with my mouth & not physically fight. I sometimes think that he wants to to restore me as his primary source of fuel? Is that a possibility? I do have to say after applying how to beat the the narcissist, I am 35 days into a peaceful silent treatment. Thanks again HG!

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    1. Restoration hangs from your lips and were you to utter such words they would provide such delicious fuel for him, hence why he keeps trying even when he gets slapped down. Your fourth N? Presumably you have realised with him that he is number 4 and there were three beforehand, rather than you knew at number two and fell prey two more times? I am pleased you have found my works of use to you Kim and thank you for letting me know.

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      1. Yes HG my 4th is the sad truth. Had I not stumbled across your site during this discard, I would of remained oblivious to the whole truth. Of course I would still feel as though I was used for financial reasons & thrown away with no regard. As I’ve shared, the extreme religious faith of my parents has produced the most desirable targets for such. I was taught extreme forgiveness & long suffering by my parents. I have simple yet firm personal philosophy regarding any type of relationship. I do not easily let newcomers into my life on a personal level, so if you are part of it, you’ve proven 2 simple but valuable assets to me – loyalty & respect. I have always been self sacrificing in my personal relationships but I have learned from each of them, when my basic principles are compromised, I know it’s time to excuse myself. HG, I hope that has provided you with further insight as why I’ve endured 4 Ns.

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    2. @Kim: I’m going through exactly the same thing these days! I’m pretty sure he met and bonded with a new traget through that online site. Obviously, he can’t triangulate her with other women from that site, at least not yet, as the new target would probably disengage in that early honeymoon stage and he’d have to start all the time- and energy consuming hunting again. So he reverts to former girl-friends/ex primary sources of supply. I am one of them.

      He did exactly the same thing when I became his primary source of supply a couple of years ago. There was a constant triangulation with the ex before me. Of course, he never told her about me. But I was meant to know about her! Otherwise, he wouldn’t have beendet able to extract supply from me.

      So I guess that he currently hoovers out of boredom and panic (of the risk to be running out of supply from one day to and there if the new target should see through me early on), and in order to tiangulate this new target. He has designated me for the role of the ‘wonderful, re-idealised ex as explained by HG in point 5.

      However, that’s futile. I won’t accept that role. I am done for good with that bullsh*t.

      I pointed him to that blog here, by the way. So if HG’S stats should show repeated visits by someone from Brussels, it might be him. But I very much doubt he even has the slightest desire to *know*. His reply on that matter was: “I have no interest in reading some random guy’s words.” Of course not: there is no promise of supply/fuel for him here – at least not in HG’s posts;-)

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      1. Thank you Alice! Once I discovered the whole truth, I merely find him to be entertainment. The new woman loves the triangulation & I will admit that initially I did participate to some degree (verbally) She has called my places of employment & my governing body of licensure which has caused me a great deal of grief. She has personally messaged me on social media being horribly cruel & telling me I’m a waste of human life & should just kill myself. Had I not gained the knowledge from this site, I may of resolved to physical violence. However, simply knowing what her future holds, enables me to sit back & laugh at her inevitable demise.

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      1. I also and curious to this question? Can a relationship with a narcissit be saved?

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  3. My god, it all sounds so….time consuming.

    I have to hand it to you for keeping this all straight in your mind and for putting that much time and effort into control, domination and obliteration of your targets.

    There is no one I know (or that I suspect I will ever know) who would be worth that much time and effort on my part.

    I like easy. I bail when things get too dramatic or difficult or time consuming.

    I suppose this makes me a very, very, very bad girl.

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  4. Hi
    I am curious about your need for fuel. When you are at your highest point of extracting as much as you can, do you need to keep yourself at the highest level for sometime? Simply put, do you need to stay at the highest point of extraction for several days or more?
    Do you go threw a withdrawal from being at such a high fuel point?

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    1. No I don’t as there is never a maximum, it is more about avoiding the sensation of restlessness which warns me that fuel is becoming low. Of course if someone was to criticise me, this also causes a chronic need for fuel in order to repair the wound that the criticism has caused.

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  5. HG
    Thank you for explaining your warning signal that your getting low on fuel. I was under the assumption your always the restless type. If I am correct, that restlessness you get is the rumbling of the monster brewing. You now know you must find fuel before it’s released?
    Is this restlessness, which I no what you are talking about, something all your kind find is connected to needing fuel, STAT
    I have read all your books and reread many parts of all. I don’t remember you touching on the restlessness and the meaning behind it.

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  6. This energy that ur kind embody during the devalue becomes a steel blue but it feels like a hoax, staged. Like ur trying to protect urself from having ur pride being compromised. As if u are trying to evoke some reaction from us. It’s almost laughable. But ur saying u actually believe the venom u spray- or is it all fake even the honeymoon mirroring. Like u will literally say anything to get the result u want. =Positive or negative fuel

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    1. The lesser of our kind believe it as they know no other way. Those of us who are of a higher function use the words and actions to achieve our aims. Often they are driven by the malice we feel, the hatred, the envy, the unsettled anxiety of a fading source of fuel and often, well, because we can. The emotional reaction must be obtained in any way possible.

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      1. After Depleting ur source completely of their fuel- how does ur kind expect it to be revived. Does it depend on the source – do u just not care. Move on to the next victim until u feel like hovering again.

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      2. So once we get out lives together and back to who we were prior or maybe even better. Even though we were supremely cut off by the narcissist for months and months, why do they come back? They don’t like us

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    2. I agree, Bombshel20!

      It’s still painful…..I recognize the defense mechanisms…and I try to get through them…..but fear ALWAYS wins with an N….

      I know that they fall in love with us…..and that love ALWAYS scares them into abandoning us….ALWAYS!

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  7. I’ve been married to an N for 7 years next month, separated since November. I asked him to move out after several years of emotional and verbal abuse toward my daughter that seemed to be escalating. We are a blended family and I invested my all into he and his children. He was a wonderful provider, but passive/aggressive personified. Everything had a price at some point and he was/is fabulous at recreating history and always shifting blame. I’m his 4th wife and he’s my first husband. I’m an extreme empath and can’t for the life of me figure out how he could leave without a fight and since he left not make any attempts at repairing the marriage and damaged relationships….that is until now. Thank you, HG, for your in-depth writings. The last seven years of my life continue to leap from the pages. While I’m hurt and devestated, I feel strengthened and equipped to move on. From love balming and getting me down the marriage isle in 6 months to now being devalued and discarded. It’s all just a whirlwind of emotion. I’ve not known him to go back to a predecessor but there’s a first time for everything. One of his ex’s is in touch with me. She wasn’t a wife but a midnight call a few times a week for 15 years!!! He discarded her for me and broke her heart. I’m happy to say she’s happily married now to a fine man and moved on with her life. Funny how the table turned and she’s been instrumental in comforting me as I did her when she showed up on my doorstep to tell me who she was and how broken he left her. I found out later on about his other two he dumped in order to begin dating me, as he knew that would never be tolerated. Empath, yes. Fool? NO! I have the divorce papers and am preparing to complete them. I don’t know if I should have him served or ask him over to sign peacefully. The last I spoke to him (a month ago today) he stated he wasn’t sure he wanted to be divorced. That’s strange…his action say otherwise. I feel if we can go a month no contact we can go a lifetime. No contact is the safest place as any time with him attempts to resurrect the golden period as you state. I’m not sure why I’m telling you all of his except to say that today’s post really hit home! I had just asked a friend an hour earlier “how did this happen?” “How can he go a month not talking to his wife?”….thank you for explaining it.

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    1. You are welcome Caren and thank you for sharing details of your situation. Once you peel back the veneer we apply you will find all manner of secrets lurking beneath, often hugely shocking and surprising, but you appear to have turned at least one of those secrets to your advantage.
      His comment re the divorce is designed to provoke you in terms of fuel but also to see if you are susceptible to reconciliation. He doesn’t want to be divorced. This damages his status but most of all it is the cessation of a great fuel source, in you as a reocgnised extreme empath. He was also providing you with a “tell” – he doesn’t actually consider you and he as something that can be divorced because in our minds the attachment, for the purposes of fuel, lasts until death.

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      1. HG, are you ever going to write about your own experience with marriage and divorce in more detail- beyond the occasional tidbits you throw out here and there? Would be a fascinating read no doubt.

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  8. what is more painful is that our loved ones contribute more towards the harm the narc has done. unintentionally but inexcusable. They don’t even take the time to ask us the trauma we have been through. The PTSD. My heart melts even for you HG .. Because we all are in so much pain and no one we love will take it away. I have felt so desperate this past week as the day go from my “No contact countdown” at the same time realizing the other girl has BPD .. So now that is fake and I am evil again.. My loved ones won’t even experience the “shame” of bad so I do not have to experience the crisis of being evil. see through was my final discard and I experienced it all

    letter to my loved ones :

    I ask that you do me no harm, i beg you. If you care about me and you think you are capable of harming me tell me run away. Warn me

    No, i will not accept that I am wrong if I am right. You may be asking me to accept that you feel different or think differently. Eventually we both realize there is no winning, so you accept i just don’t get you and I’m wrong. I cannot accept that I don’t get you and you’re wrong.
    I am right. I know i am right because I can say when I am wrong. If i have already been condemned an evil person, heartless person i am capable of saying I am a bad person. This is nothing. You have never even been an evil person so how dare you not be able to tell yourself you’re a bad person?
    In the past i understood it was done to protect you. I used to protect myself too. How am I to know that you have no intention of discarding me if you are not capable of recognizing you are devaluing me?
    You do not take the time to consider the trauma i have experienced because you do not care or love me. It is 1000X more painful than you admitting to yourself you are bad. I know because I have done both. I do not try to protect myself from you. I expose my bad to show you I do not believe you will harm me – it is blind trust and i give it so that you see I will not harm you. Despite all of it, i know you cannot understand because you have not been through it. I do not even care that you do not take the time to understand I am desperate to stop this paranoia. I will risk further damaging myself to heal if that is what it takes. But i do not believe you will harm me, so i think the risk is low.
    You confirm i am bad. I validate your confirmation. you understand now. I understand. It’s ok i am bad, everyone is bad. Finally all of this will go away and i will re-affirm the nature of human beings. There are no evil human beings, only bad but we all are. I will be able to breath and not have to live questioning who walks among me. I wait .. wait. .. anger, desperation i try again. i just did not do it well enough for you to understand. again. again. Each time you harm me it must be a mistake so i do it again. When i cannot take anymore I attempt to channel some of it back to you because i cannot take this weight you have given me. Why are you hurt that i am giving just a bit of back? You would have me take it all? If you cared at all how could you take advantage of my trust in you and use me to validate yourself to yourself? if i am so bad to everyone and no one is bad to me then narc must be right and i am evil. I cannot accept that i am evil. evil belongs in hell not on this earth. I am not ready. I must get away from you. I cannot be around you I am sorry but I cannot risk believing I am evil. Beyond that, i cannot risk that you discard me like i am nothing. You believe i do this because i want to, or its my choice but if i do not then i must accept i am evil…and after you condemn me to hell you would also believe that i should condemn myself to hell?
    I cannot be an evil nothing. You are wrong and i will ask another. They will confirm I am not.

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  9. HG

    Does your type never initiate a divorce? Do you just make life miserable until we hand you divorce papers? I would think there is great fuel in initiating a divorce for you. Especially if the wife does not see it coming. Marriage, is used to your advantage, so I would assume divorce is as well.

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      1. Borderlines frequently initiate divorce. Ironically, because they fear abandonment.

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      2. Thank you for confirming what I’ve suspected since I realized I was involved with a covert, married Narc. I too have been in a committed relationship with the same woman for almost 33 years, and the guilt I carry over this is something I’ll have to live with for the rest of my life. I risked losing someone who is 24-karat gold for a rolled up piece of aluminum foil. Talk about stupid.

        But as to the question of divorce, my ex Narc found out not long before we saw each other for the last time, that her husband was also having an affair. No one was more shocked by this than I. After listening to her ranting and letting her vent for weeks, as soon as she confronted him, told him that she knew about the affair and demanded that he end it, she quickly and quietly (so she thought) went about reestablishing her place as the ONE AND ONLY. She stopped talking about the affair. She became secretive. I knew I would be collateral damage the minute she confronted him with what she knew. How lucky for her that the husband never caught on to our affair. She was able to gain and will forever have the upper hand in the marriage, which I’m sure she always had anyway. Such a shame that he doesn’t know, never knew, that he was never anything but a means to an end for her. He was and is a necessary player in the plans she laid out for the perfect life and the perfect image, stability, and financial security. I was always so jealous of him while I was having an affair with his wife, I now feel sorry for him. I think the woman with whom he was having an affair may have really loved him. Maybe she had real feelings and emotions and showed them. Were it not for the fact that my partner never knew about my affair with this creature – and I plan to keep it that way – I wouldn’t hesitate to blow the lid off the Narc’s façade of a perfect life, and let her husband know exactly what he’s dealing with. That speaks to the severity of the damage she did to me.

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  10. Is there not a way to get through to them & help them? I’ve spent the last few years in the same vicious cycle you describe & I can’t take this! I love this person so much & feel so sorry for him too. Can they never change & see that they can get good all the time if they give good all the time? Or are all these Ns just beyond help & will just be stuck living a miserable life & ruining other lives until they die?

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    1. No we don’t change. You can either get out and stay out or if you decide you cannot or will not do that you must attempt to manage the manipulations as best you can.
      I don’t live a miserable life by the way.

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  11. There is a sublty about ur kind that shows a vulneralbility – a cry for help-a deep seeded reason behind all of the drive. are u actually afraid of who u could become when u are at peace with your flaws. Do u think u will be less amazing. U know that’s impossible Rt? All of the flaws is what makes us love ur kind.

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      1. Wow! That’s a statement HG. A very honest question. This is where my empathy comes into play and BPD. You can not help who or what you have become. We could go back and forth with nature vs nurture but anyone with our thinking knows we are not wired like the rest. This was none of our doing. Yes I have felt I should love all the flaws that came with the man because it was not his doing.
        This in turn caused my long beautiful hair to fall out and my slim 110 frame drop to 95 pounds. I am roughly your age and have spent half my life in therapy. I went threw 8 months before I realized what was happening. My empathy to, its not your fault, made it what it was to hang in there. That has been one of my very biggest sorrow with any personality disorder. What you do you can own. What you have become was not your fault and the need for fuel is only survival to caging the beast. Feel free to add your thoughts. I no you have them!

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      2. My initial thought is, you are 21 as well?
        I completely agree that it is not my fault.
        When you write “what you do you can own” please expand on this.

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      3. The love is not for the flaws but to fill up the emptiness and the need for love of the other one. That is the basics of the dance. The brilliance its an add on I would say but not the basis.

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      4. Brilliance draws, flaws humble- I love them all. It’s what makes the man. Show ur humility, bear ur soul to those who truly love u. They will protect those flaws for you-pick up the slack. since that’s what it takes to share a life together. But only, if you share the same kindness with ours.

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  12. HG

    I don’t no that I truly believe that that dance is to fill the void of missed love. How can you miss something you don’t no what it is. I think the dance is the further fuel needed to tame the beast. Is this correct HG. Isn’t your primary function not to fill voids of missed feelings but to keep from exploding ?
    Yes I will explain you can own your actions. First if you were roughly 21 years old, you would be deadly in your 50s. So thankfully you are not 21.
    You can own your actions you put upon people. I realize in your thinking you can not do this because then you would be low on fuel. Your first line of thinking for you is keeping your own head above water first. That whirlwind of the sunami you cause you need to be responsible for causing. Why you did it I completely understand.
    The hard part for me is watching it all happen and your kinds deniel to take responsibility to the devastation. Like nothing has happened. That’s the part you need to own, your responsible for your own actions. That part of taming the beast takes over all priority. You actually loose your control at that time. Something people with personality disorders hate.

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    1. The primary function is to acquire fuel which is used to fill the void. We want your emotional reactions so we can sequestrate them for ourselves as fuel and thus “fill up” or attempt to do so. If you criticise us and thus ignite our fury, fuel is needed to repair the wound. The need to fill the void arises before the need to repair the wound.
      Okay, I am not 21.
      I am 22.

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  13. Hello HG

    Do you ever wonder one of many resson that you went through things in your child hood to become the person you are today and then how you treated all the woman in your life .. may be so you can learn first then guide others ?? You know how many you have helped n guided. .

    Like He teaches you first then send people to you . The way you can understand people some cant. In a way you are chosen one

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      1. My N wanted me to call him *Sir* or *Master* – but only during sexual plays. At the beginning, he called me names in bed such as “little w***e”.

        Strangely enough, he was able to deliver that in a playful, apparently non-violent way. Like it was part of the game and thrill… I let him get away with it, although it left a feeling of unease.

        Later into the *relationship*, he stoppen using those names. He also stopped that kinky “50 Shades of Grey” stuff in bed. He said: “I don’t need that from you right now. I feel too close to you right now [sic]. And it feels so good to just do the normal stuff with you, nothing is missing, I like it so much to start from scratch, like in teenage years: every touch is overly exciting and every moaning is so alluring to me. I feel free and innocent with you.”

        I was so much in love with him back then and deeply ensnared- I took it all in and did not dare to question anything.

        But f
        ollowing this, the emotional abuse really ramped up! In fact, he replaced the sexual role games (bdsm etc.) with emotional/psychological abuse. The latter was so much worse! 😟

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  14. Messiah 😂😂

    That sounds old fashion . How about HG The hero

    Heros are born after great explosion

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    1. Ok I smell the need for fuel so I shall deliver! That was funny. I think however you may have failed. Unless that was a hook. Why stop at only a Hero when there are Kings?

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  15. And then once we get dropped…get our shit together and become better then we were when you first met us…then what? Is that when you test the waters to see if there is still a little power there?

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      1. I guess I sorta asked this before but why come back to us? During the discard it seems like you loathe us and after we are dead to you and it legit seems you wouldn’t even care if ya heard we died! So why come back when we are healed, if you actually are disgusted by us?

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      2. The potency of the hoover fuel is such that we want to receive it and being able to draw it from you through our hoovers, after everything that we have put you through makes us all the more powerful.

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      3. so when do you decide when that is? when you have ignored us long enough and we are finally getting our life back together? currently my narc and i are no contact and she has no interested in me at the moment cause she broke me.

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      4. It is when there is a Hoover Trigger, Lisa and the hoover Execution Criteria is met, which may well be as you are getting your life back together again.

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  16. Hey I find your articles very interested and wish I had known this 21 years ago!

    What happens do you think when narcs get old and supply isn’t around?

    And does karma ever catch up with a narc?

    Last question has therapy helped you?

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    1. Hello Surviving, thank you for your kind comments. As for the onset of age, do read the article No Time For Time.

      Karma? What’s that? In all seriousness, karma is an invention to enable those who have been bested to create a concept which provides them with hope that the victor will receive some form of comeuppance in the future. It is a coping mechanism and there is nothing wrong at all with someone adapting that since it helps them. From my perspective even if it were real, it would not catch up with my kind because we always find a way to deny that we have any accountability for what we do and therefore we would deny, deflect, evade etc the concept of karma (or any similar concept).

      Therapy has assisted me in understanding more about what I am and increasing my awareness.

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  17. It is sad that so many codependents are willing to dance with narcissist. I am thankful i was raised by one and i know how to crush his foot and leave the dance floor and i like it. All my narcissist limp

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  18. Makes a lot of sense and answers many unanswered questions. Thank you. Have you ever been in the middle of devaluating your spouse and somebody else has come along and snagged up your victim? If so, how did that make you feel? Also, do you think it comes from a sense of boredom that creates the flip of your switch to now gain negative attention?

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    1. Hello ILM, no that has not happened. The conditioning and emotional infection of the victim means their focus is on me, fixing me, getting back to the golden period and so on and therefore they are not interested in anybody else.
      Yes boredom and familiarity with the fuel is a large part of why the switch occurs.

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    1. When you enter one of our spheres of influence you cause a Hoover trigger. Read the article Spheres Of Influence and this will explain it in greater detail.

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