Try Walking in My Shoes – Part Two

I am sat in a meeting and I am having to endure a colleague droning on about his ideas for increasing market share. He is stood at the front of the room holding everybody’s attention. I am not enjoying this. I feel unsettled and slightly queasy knowing that people are listening to what he has to say and not paying me any heed. I can hear the whispers from my personal tormentor as she reminds me of how nobody is looking to me. I fight the urge to hurl a laptop though the plate-glass screen behind me in order to create some drama, but it is hard. If the Chief Executive was not sat two seats away to my left I may well have done it. With him there however I need to focus on my A game. I write that my colleague has everyone’s attention. That is not true. Well, almost everybody’s attention. He does not have my full attention. Fortunately for me, I am able to triple track and I am listening to his dull diatribe, whilst I formulate my questions for him and I am always casting occasional glances at the recently promoted Lucy who is sat directly across the boardroom table from me. I have spoken to her a few times but her recent elevation makes her of greater interest to me. Her recent success has grabbed my attention. I like to be surrounded by the successful, just so long as they are not more successful than me. Very few are, I always identify some of their faults and weaknesses, it is a skill I possess. I glance down and tap in a text message to Lucy.

“I like your blouse, is it T M Lewin?” and send it to her. I see her move slightly as her ‘phone vibrates in her pocket and her eyes catches mine (again). I cock my head indicating for her to check her pocket. She gives me a slightly quizzical look but the smile is there and her arm moves indicating that she has reached for her mobile. She looks down and I wait, feeling  slight surge inside of me as I wonder what she will write in reply.Notice how I know that she will reply. That is not in question. I see her head remain looking downwards and after a few seconds my phone vibrates in my hand as she replies.

“Yes it is, thanks for noticing. Great tie by the way x”

She is right about the tie and I notice the kiss. The door is open. I feel the satisfying surge of power at having acquired her attention and simultaneously revel in the fact that now two of us are not paying full attention to Monroe as he stands pontificating and spouting his corporate claptrap. The moron. The texts ping back and forth between Lucy and I as we exchange mutual compliments and my charm begins to have its effect on her. The whispering ghost has not been silenced as she continues to mutter in my ear, trying to point out that more people are listening to Monroe than are paying attention to me and that is because I am insignificant and uninteresting. I have this battle on a daily basis. The never-ending tug of war between my own personal tormentors who seek to paralyse me with fear and self-loathing and my need to keep them at bay as I drink deep from the fuel that I find around me. I look up and see that Lucy, beautiful, sensual Lucy is texting again but what is that over her shoulder? There in the window that overlooks the city beyond I see a reflection. It is a thin-faced, leering and insipid looking thing. The creature is back trying to unsettle me and unnerve me, His wan smile plays about those thin lips and he begins mouthing something at me. I do not try to decipher it as the phone buzzes and I smile at Lucy’s response.

“HG, what is your view on that point?” asks Monroe. I can tell from his tone that he is both irritated and sensing the opportunity to point score. He has noticed that Lucy and me have apparently disengaged from his presentation and this has got under his skin. That is good. I can feel the flames rising inside and then they surge higher as faces turn to me. Monroe thinks that he is going to show me up. He thinks I have not been listening. You have under-estimated me again you dough-faced cookie cutter. You are not equipped to deal with the likes of me and whilst I have been texting Lucy I have continued to listen to his words. That is the skill I have and he does not. That is why I am soon to be promoted again, leaving him in my wake. I purposefully do not reply immediately as I finish the text to Lucy and fire it off. I look up and fix my gaze on Monroe, who I notice has unbuttoned his top button behind his tie, not professional or smart Monroe when you are addressing us. I can see from the position of his mouth that he is waiting to add some sardonic comment. He thinks my hesitation in answering is a mark of having caught me out. He is wrong. I am savouring having everyone’s attention on me. He is on the side of my tormentors wanting to do me down. His face seems to shift as it becomes the creature that stalks me, but it is not working. I smile and fire back my carefully constructed point in a succinct sentence. The creature fades leaving the panicked expression of Monroe as the forensic brilliance of my comment hits home.

“An excellent point, ” adds our Chief Executive and I cannot help but smile as the power rages through me. There are murmurs of assent as the lily-livered hangers-on around the table curry favour by supporting the Chief Exec’s appreciation of my point. I do not care for their flip-flopping since it has given me further attention. As Monroe hesitates I throw another verbal grenade at him. Foolishly, he catches it and it explodes in his face as the Chief Exec presses him to respond to my point. I look to Lucy and she is returning my gaze with admiration writ large. My phone buzzes and I look down

Yes drinks at 6pm will be great, I will come to your office first x’

Another surge and the whispering ghost has been silenced. The beast tries over and over again to drag me into the abyss but so long as I draw breath I have the means and the skills to tame it. My destruction of Monroe who has now gone bright red as he stammers an ineffectual response and the knowledge that I will be with Lucy this evening, in a bar of colleagues who will be all congratulating me on my performance today fills me with an amazing sense of strength and power. Perhaps I will win this war with the creature within after all?

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24 thoughts on “Try Walking in My Shoes – Part Two”

  1. Where is SHE (your tormentor)? Does she know what you really think of her?

    My mother knows what I really think of her (I’ve told her to her face), not that it stops her from being who she is.

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  2. I chuckled and LOL’d through much of this post because it so mirrors my almost daily professional experiences.

    Indeed, a Narcissist is a formidable opponent in the boardroom and I have yet to see the ones I know get taken down. All except one, a Lawyer who definitely had it coming.

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  3. I didn’t finish my thoughts about your question about keeping The creature at bay indefinitely.

    I don’t think so HG.

    There is nowhere to go other than be face to face with your tortured inner demons alone – with no way to avoid them.

    It is ironic that your entire life script has been designed to avoid this inner pain – and at the end of life you will realise all of it was to no avail if you choose to stay the course HG!

    But honestly- and perhaps I am being PollyAnnaish- I see the following ebooks not too far down the road written by HG Tudor himself:

    Transformation: From Malignant to Benevolent

    Amends: Remorseful apologies from a former Narcissist

    Unchained: The Narcissist Breaks Free

    I’m so rooting for you HG.

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    1. Always good to know that you are rooting for me Bethany. Well if that outcome does occur I will be writing about it, but I suspect you may see books such as these
      Maximum Malignancy : Harnessing Therapy to Improve Your Inner Narcissist
      Surrender : How I Broke Dr O and Dr E
      Unchained : The Narcissist Walks Away Scot Free.

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      1. Nooooo… I like Bethany’s titles better. Add one more, “Entwined” H.G. finally finds real love.

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  4. To really try and get into your shoes And understand this beast voice /person I make the similarity with the codependant pathological loneliness… Which makes him seek valudation from a partner. I think its the closer I can get to understanding.
    But the solution is way apart. For us its self love but if Ns are unable to feel love so then the need to look for fuel outside TO keep the voice cast down.
    Funny enough I did learn exactly and alone what self was by discovering my codependant love for someone else.
    It all came at the right moment, and the theory of the HMS saying you have to give yourself all what you give from yourself in this dance. And there it was. The enlightment on how to start.
    I wish I could have this enlightment for you HG. I wish I could have a solution. i wish I could reverse the effects that in the first instance created that for you.
    Like those scientist that sometimes discover molecules that reverse or stop umhealthy processes in the body.
    I wish I could be that scientist for you 😘😘.
    Thanks for making my morning coffee more interesting 💓💓

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  5. I work in medicine. My employer is a well respected surgeon. In the office, he’s a sweetheart…..however, his surgical nurses tell a different story. He is the best employer I have ever had. Humble and humorous outside of the surgery room. In general, most surgeons are narcissistic. You actually want your surgeon to be an N…..they have a very specific role….and if they didn’t have the ego of an N they’d never be able to pull off holding your heart in their hands and not drop the ball with it….they feel like gods with that type of power and knowledge….A surgeons bedside manner sucks. They go in, take care of the problem, and they hope to never see you again. Many patients need a lot of hand holding and care post surgery…that’s part of my job….we fit together nicely. My employer isn’t an N….but I think some professions require “situational narcissism”. Because love them or hate them….N’s get things DONE!!

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  6. Nothing wrong in being insignificamt or not interesting. It s normal siruations for all of us: in some moment we do can be not interesting for smbd, or we can be insignificant for somebody or in some moments.
    What is wrong with it? Why u should be interesting for ppl all the time? It s a big pressure, u dont think so? They dont worth so much effort.

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    1. I have to be interesting and magnetic in order to draw the fuel that I want and to bind people to me. Is it a big pressure? Not really when you already have the means of effecting this as a matter of course.

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  7. Because u dont permit to urself to be not magnetic, not interesting, not significant but love and accept urself in this state.

    I think once u accept urself in this state u will not need fuel coz u will be OK with urself. Looks like the issue is there.

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    1. Hey Yo
      Is your name like in ” joooo mama” or ä joooo man”, or is it like the me in spanish? 😃😃😜
      I have a comment to you comment

      What you state above. This is like the blue sky vision for empaths and codependents. This is already not so easy for empath.
      I was also on the idea that this could be done by am N. Slowly slowly and 💔💔 totally heartbroken I realize that if Ns cant feel love they will never feel it for themselves 😢😢, whilst a codependant can work on this.
      This thought was reinforced today by one of those recovery very popular authors ( i consider she remained with very human approach despite the abuse) who signalized that the N will not be able to heal and become a recovered person by himself 💔💔, -selflove-that this would never happen. Left me heartbroken but in the other side gave me enlightment.

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      1. The most terrible thing which could happen to a person is not to be able to love him/herself.

        Why dont MNs try to speak about this topic with their doctors..

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