The Walking Dead

 

 

It is often said about our kind that we are effectively dead. This refers to an emotional demise. This emotional demise is linked to the perception that we do not feel. This state of emotional deadness is also connected to the concept that our kind feel empty, that there is a vast chasm inside of us, a howling wilderness where there is nothing. If we are emotionally dead, what caused that? Who or what might the slayer be? Is there any prospect of resurrection? Do we feel nothing? Is there this all-pervading sense of nothingness inside of us?

I am not emotionally dead.

Why do I write this? It is because I do feel things. I feel the burning harshness that flows from criticism of me. I feel jealousy when people are listening to somebody else in the group and not me. I feel envy when I see a car that is superior to mine. I feel frustration when I am not causing someone to do as I want. I feel hatred for those who have turned against me and through their perfidious treachery they seek to do me harm. I feel the fury when I respond to the criticism. Those feelings are strong, visceral and real. I also feel power. I feel that familiar surge as the first flames of power spark into life, brought into being by the application of fuel and then they grow. The surging sensation increases and courses through me, invigorating me and edifying me. It drives me forward, causes me to feel like I am bursting as it enables me to shine, to dazzle and to perform. The intensity of this feeling is substantial and not only is it necessary for me to feel like this, it is addictive.

What then of those other emotions, sadness, joy, happiness, fear, concern, compassion and so forth? Where are those emotions? They are absent. I do not feel them. I have seen in those around me certain responses and listened to people describe them so that I know what happiness looks like and I know what it feels like to you, but I do not feel it. It is clear to me that when you feel happy, I feel powerful. When you feel joy, I feel a greater sense of power. Accordingly, it is correct to state that in respect of those emotions I am dead, or is that entirely accurate. For something to die it must first have once lived. Something must have been there to begin with and then have vanished, been obliterated or removed. Was I once happy and then the capacity to be happy was taken away from me? Who removed it? Was it the act of someone else or did I decide to strip happiness from myself and arm myself with power instead? Then again, is it the case that certain elements of my emotional spectrum are not dead at all but instead I have experienced some kind of emotional paralysis. Are those emotions somewhere but they have been halted, capped, muted? I know from my reading and observation that, for example, compassion appears to be learned from others. Was I once learning to be compassionate and then for some reason it stopped and has never been allowed to develop again? Was I once able to experience joy but then that was stunted and halted and kept from me?

Alternatively, it might be that with regard to certain emotions I am neither emotionally dead or emotionally paralysed. In both those instances it must follow that the emotion was once there but has either been removed (death) or halted (paralysis). What if the emotion was never there to begin with? What if I was created without the capacity for joy, for sadness of for compassion? What if I was created in a different way? What if my creation and development meant that it was necessary to forgo such emotions in order to facilitate a certain way of being which allowed me to achieve and accomplish more effectively without being hampered or hindered by such emotions. I have no concern for who I might tread on, on the way up, so I climb that much quicker and that much higher than other people. Might it be the case that in order to have those who excel in so many fields it was necessary for us to be denied certain emotions to ensure we were effective? I readily admit that not everyone who is a leader in their field, an achiever and a winner is necessarily one of us, but we are over-represented. Even if someone might not be regarded as one of our kind, I know that they will possess more of our traits and to a greater degree than they do not. Perhaps this was a necessary trade-off so that the pioneers, conquerors and leaders would advance but at a personal cost in terms of the provision of certain emotions. Perhaps we were never granted those emotions to begin with? Through my increasing awareness with the good doctors I am forming a view.

Do I laugh? Am I amused? Do I have a sense of humour? Yes, I do and I know I have an excellent sense of humour (aside from when you do not do what I want or criticise me). I have been asked what do I feel when I laugh? If I am laughing along with others at something I have said, then I feel power because I am being fuelled. What do I feel if I laugh when I am watching a comedian on stage or on television? I laugh because I know it is expected of me in such a scenario. I laugh because I can work out that what was said was witty or amusing, but I do not feel any power. I do not feel any uplifting sensation in the way that you have described to me. Often I feel a sense of unrest and the clamour of jealousy because people are laughing at someone else’s wit and not mine.

What do I feel when I see one of my country’s athletes securing gold at the Olympics? Am I proud of them? I know to say the correct things to provide recognition for their achievement but again I feel a sense of envy that it is not me on that podium receiving the accolade of the crowd in the stadium. I can see you sat next to me clapping and smiling and I am jealous that you are clapping this person on the television and not me. I can feel the first prick of the wound because your applause for them and not me suggests they are better than me and thus you are criticising me. I feel the need to tell you about my sporting achievements so you give me praise and thus the criticism is abated before it has caused too much damage and before my fury is ignited. I may instead allow the fury to ignite and find some way of lashing out at you so you react and provide me with your attention through being hurt and upset. This is why on so many occasions you will be doing something with us that is pleasant and enjoyable and then in the blink of an eye an argument has come out of nowhere or a brag or boast appears linked to what we are doing. I cannot feel happy for that athlete. I can acknowledge the achievement because he is a winner and I love to win. I will acknowledge the achievement and apply what I have learned in order to show the correct feelings if I am in a situation where it would not be appropriate to unleash some heated fury, for instance if it would crack my façade, but I will be desperate to bring the conversation or attention onto me by remarking how I won gold in the country championships as a teenager or start talking about my latest achievement at work.

What do I feel when I see an advert for a charity on the television? Am I moved by the images and the mournful accompanying soundtrack. Do I feel pity, sympathy and compassion? No, I do not. I feel nothing. If I hear you making sympathetic noises then just as in the example above I want your attention on me, not on the orphan on the screen. I may comment about my charitable work so your praise me. I may pass a scathing remark about how it is a waste of money because very little of the money donated actually reaches the person who needs it, the bulk of the money being swallowed up by administrative and advertising costs in order to make you react. I may go further and blame the subject of the charitable activities as culpable for their own predicament in order to bring a heightened emotional reaction from you at my callous remarks.

I do feel. I feel many emotions and many emotions I do not feel at all. I also do feel a sense of emptiness which I seek to fill through the sensation of power. I need to fill up with this power to remove this sense of emptiness. This emptiness makes me feel uneasy and unsettled. I feel like I am disappearing and that by gathering fuel to make me feel powerful I am asserting my existence again. I am recognised, venerated and lauded.

I know what I feel. I also know what I do not feel. I have an awareness and growing understanding of why I feel as I do. I have an awareness as to why I must act as I do with regard to those feelings. I am ascertaining and working out why I feel in a different fashion to you. I understand my need for power and what it does for me. I understand the effects of this power and the consequences of its generation.

I am not the walking dead. I am walking towards something.

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57 thoughts on “The Walking Dead”

  1. They are all there! Perhaps hidden or buried so deep which would be your way of protecting your self and or surviving! I believe with all my heart that they are there! But only you can make them reappear! Xxx

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    1. My daddy… sometimes he was near to feeling happy or he desired it with all his heart. Because sometimes he would talk to me and tell me
      I am feeling happy ……. yes I am…. I like this being here…….. but now when I think back and read the above. He was trying to understand what he was feeling, or trying to feel our happiness….

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      1. Nikita, perhaps when you were near he did have a glimmer of feeling happy! He just probably felt it so little that when he did he wanted you know!! Xx Blessings to you dear one!

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      2. Hello Fool me.
        It can also be.. Although be dad was rather peaceful and joking all the time but obsessed with his work…
        Anyway from HGs posting anger, power and control he did feel and alot. Was very obvious in him. When things got wrongly done specially at work he would be furious. With us he was more relaxed but at work it was 100% perfection but as he requiered from his employees and contrary to uncle Pete, my dad cared for his people. Made sure they learned, they advanced im their studies and they understood the purpose of perfection.
        But he was a ticking bomb …
        I guess sometimes he did strive to have the feelings of happiness
        Blessings to you too 🌷

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      3. Wellnot in the while sense… He could also be very funny and extrmeley helpful and my dad did have lots of empathy for people of his circle but he could get extremely angry when crossed

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      4. Same here… My dad has a great sense of humor and is the life of the party, but we had to gauge his moods at all times… The bomb could go off at any moment…

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      5. We knew when he would get mad because we had not made as he said… He could be then really mad.. It was not that unexpected but more in intensity .. But never without a reason, but sometimes you dont feel like doing what dad says 😂😂😂

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  2. Not completely dead, I’d say more like selectively dead…as in I figured out how to turn the feelings on and off, as if with the flip of a switch.

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  3. Riveting HG! This is my very favorite of all I’ve read. I thank you for your candor and courage to share your innermost feelings and write about the ones that are absent.

    You’re walking toward a breakthrough- keep going!

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    1. Thank you Bethany. I have to credit Dr E with posing some of the questions raised but I thought it would present better in this style rather than an exchange between the good doctor and I.

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  4. Wow you always impress me with this postings that express your emotions and thoughts connected to them.
    All our positive emotions you seek to feel as power. I think this is common basis for N’s. Power and control. I have not seen the first one that does not look to feel powerful
    And many like to control everything around and beyond them  –
    I also still have the same question like you do, if the emotions were paralyzed or they were just not there from the beginning. I tend to think there were not there from the beginning but who knows.
    Please do find out with your doctors to see what they think. This interests me a lot.
    It is okay if you don’t feel our same emotions and its important to accept that what you feel as HG and live the best possible with what you are able to feel <3

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    1. I believe you truly do have emotions! I will always believe that! I believe you use the ones that will lead to less hurt!! The rest you’ve hidden away!! I will always believe this no matter what the good Dr. Says!!!!😘

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  5. As I read this, it resonated that this piece was the result of session work with your good doctors. It almost sounds as if Dr. E (or both) are possibly trying to re-introduce the basic emotions of joy, compassion, sadness, etc. in having you be so cognitive of everyday life occurrences and computing what you’re feeling. Is it power? Or is it a manufactured reaction that you know how to mimic?
    For example, seeing a comedian with friends. You do have a great sense of humor. And you have friends who enjoy sharing the experience with you. So it’s ok to relax and live in the moment to let it soak in. Your friends laughing at a comedian (getting paid specifically to entertain you) does not take away from your personality or sense of humor. You would not get replaced in their head after the show and have them think “H.G. lost his touch. Nope, not funny anymore”. It is very interesting and very encouraging to me at least, if the doctors are trying to re-introduce your brain to these emotions and make a connection. I know you are addicted to power. I don’t think that will ever change. But maybe someday you could enjoy both power and happiness, melting the malice in your core away?

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  6. ” ……In order to exist I must first be dead, as if to be in search of that which brings me to life, into existence,- an ineluctable interaction of embracing the wound- wound, that has been woven into the connection of something other than self, which leaves self powerful in its selflessness”

    -revised copywrited material — 2012

    I want to give time and space to sitting with this post and will return to it. It is interesting and prolific.

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      1. Hello HG,

        1) This is the first time I’ve noticed you say “I don’t know.”

        2) This is the most curious about yourself I’ve seen in your writing up to this point (I still have 2 mos to go before I’ve caught up), and the most emotionally honest–which, to me makes you infinitely more interesting and attractive as a person than any of your possessions or accomplishments.

        3) You have managed to articulate so clearly and beautifully–and without shame or contempt–your fundamental experience of vulnerability when you write, “this emptiness makes me feel uneasy and unsettled. I feel like I am disappearing and that by gathering fuel to make me feel powerful I am asserting my existence again.”

        This brought to mind an experience I had with my mother years ago when I’d returned to my home town for a visit. My mother and I were out shopping when we ran into an old childhood friend of mine whom I hadn’t seen in ~20 years. My mother stood by quietly while this friend and I briefly caught up. I’d asked about the wellbeing of my friend’s parents, and she began to relate the story of their tragic demise…when suddenly my mother spoke up and said, “FM is a [named my profession] now, you know!” My friend and I were stunned silent by my mother’s utterly inappropriate/insensitively-timed interjection. Later in the car I asked my mother why on earth she had chosen that particular moment to interject what I considered such an irrelevant piece of information (information, I felt, that didn’t even belong to her to share in that situation). I was appalled, and also surprised/puzzled, as my mother was not typically THAT socially inappropriate. After first defending that she had every right to brag about her daughter’s professional accomplishments to anyone she chose, she admitted that she too had been a little surprised by the timing of her comment. After reflecting a moment she said, “as you and D were talking, I felt like I was fading away, and I had to say something right then so I wouldn’t disappear.”

        My mother was not sociopathic or particularly malignant, but she was a victim narcissist and an alcoholic, and I was angry with her until her death, and have remained so because of her lifelong inability to recognize the separateness of others, and her unwillingness to apprehend the damaging effects much of her behavior had on her children. What you have shared here about what YOU must do in order to experience and validate a felt-sense of your existence has provided me with much insight into the internal self-experience my mother may have had. And I feel my grip on my anger at her loosening a bit.

        Thank you, HG, for this quite unexpected gift.

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      2. Hello FM, I do not like to admit that I do not know.I should know,I ought to know, but as part of my place in this arena I am obliged confess it even though the words stick in my throat or my fingers halt before typing the words on my keyboard. You revelation about your mother is an excellent example of how the fact we are being ignored (although I know you and your friend were not consciously doing so but this is how it felt to your mother) weakens us and therefore we need to something,anything, to draw some fuel again. Hence plates being thrown, drinks being spilled, inappropriate comments and so on. I am pleased that my observations have provided you with insight, thank you for letting me know.

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  7. I felt excited for you reading this, HG. Your closing sentence, “I am walking toward something,” gave me goosebumps.

    I do believe you can feel all those emotions you say you can’t feel. They are buried, HG, but they are there, trapped inside that void. You think the void is empty, but it’s not. It’s filled with sadness, compassion, joy, and all those emotions you learned to be ashamed of long ago so they went into hiding.

    That is what you are walking toward, I think. Keep going. Do not stop. It sounds like your doctors know how to direct you there and that is what they’re trying to do.

    You will dive into that void without having to cover it over with power andin such a naked, raw state, explore all the wonders that are really there. It’s not a terrifying, empty place at all. It just looks like it is because you can’t remember…but one day soon you will.
    I have faith in you, HG. I think deep down you want this…don’t you?
    I feel like I’m watching a birth or something.

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  8. The way you answered Observant: “I don’t know yet.” I feel like you have let down your guard. I got a sense of some sort of surrender from those 4 simple words. Wow….I’m grinning from ear to ear rn.

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  9. Sorry….there’s always something I forget to add and then have to make another comment to say it. I think part of the reason this excites me so much is because I’m on a similar path right now in therapy. I want to be able to access my emotions more easily than I do (I shut off a lot of my emotions a long time ago due to having been shamed for having them) and it’s so hard sometimes. Sometimes it gets so frustrating I want to rage about it. But my therapist is trying some things on me to get me to access my inner child and the emotions she has. We’re doing chair work right now. I got past the awkwardness and came closer to feeling these feelings tonight than I ever have. I felt really hopeful about this, then I get home and read this post, and I want you to know your words here have helped me too I think everything happens for a reason.

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    1. Hello Lucky Otter

      I am very happy for you !!! Have patience and it will come. All sustainable things come slow. You will not feel it from one day to the other but one day you will feel that you ” you feel again” 😃😃😃.
      One day it will be there.🌷

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      1. Thank you! <3
        I know it will too. I still have a lot of work to do but I'm in a whole different place than I was a year ago.
        HG…I am sending positive energy and prayers your way.

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  10. HG

    This was very well written and being BPD these are great questions. It was not until I started reading about you did my own life start to fall into place.
    The emptiness you speak of I no all to well. It’s also the drug that hides the emotions you are missing. It’s called a wall, you literally have closed a wall to your heart and soul. You built it to survive your childhood and then you forget about it close the door lock it and toss the key. You do not return to that room. It’s way behind what you think you can handle in your subconscious. You built that wall probably in your very early grammar school years. Somewhere under age 8.
    That emptiness is often described by many as depression. It is far from depression and having spent more then 3 decades on and off in therapy it can not be cured with a pill. You surly can have depression and need medications but that is completely diffrent then that empty feeling. Your blocked, your going to dig and dig but I feel your in the right direction. It’s going to take 1 thing to click and the puzzle will start to make sense. Mine finally did. You seem like me and your going to keep going until you find those answers on your own and you will. I have so much work ahead of me but the light was turned on HG and it’s really nothing like your have ever felt. So keep looking. You will find it. Your only really dead if you stop looking for the answers.

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    1. What nice words. Just read this and have goose bumps.. The void and depressions..
      I know from my ex -H that he had to go through the pain in his childhood to improve feelings of depression, and not being able to sleep and even panic.
      After that treatment he got alot alot alot better
      Good luck you too. So it will happen to all the people who want the change out of a personality disorder. They will rise.

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  11. HG

    Continue in your therapy and work hard at the questions that are presented to you.
    I am almost certain that there is a door locked that holds your emotions.
    Once I realized my brain was fractured. I work within 5 very organized compartments things started to happen. Let me tell you the therapist team and all there computer flying fingers have been soaking up the revelation on how I move and close doors behind me. Once I realized how I operated and how normals don’t I was then able to break down peace by peace what I have built. It’s not near done and I still need to tackle the childhood crap behind a few doors but there unlocked and that’s the living, feeling breathing part we miss in our empty dark shell.

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  12. Very interesting post HG – keep walking, we’re all walking alongside, nearby, on our own little paths:-*

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  13. HG

    The light switch metafor is exactly what we do. This was also the way I discribed moving within my “compartments” to my therapist

    The best way to describe this. I am certain you walked out the emotional door as a young child shut the light off and started your narc. Behavior to drown out what you have left behind that door.
    So for me I consider my soul/heart area a basement. Dark ugly frightening never to go back into again shut the door tight, light off and I ran to the second floor. That is where I left my emotions sealed as a child. Never fed and nurtured it will wither and fade until you can’t see it anymore. You then become lifeless in the very soul of us. While on the second floor I developed my coping skills. I had glimpses of the emotions in the basement threw my many years, but there mind glimpses and not felt in the heart. Notice I never had a first floor. I run from basement to second floor unaware there is a first floor which is the middle ground. It was my therapist that caught that. It was subconscious and I am working to find that middle ground Something is going to trigger that door open for you I know it. I am one of your very toughest patient and not by choice. You truly have to understand our world and there world to get a whole picture.

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    1. Kudos to you and your therapist on making that connection and breakthrough. To you for having a willing and open mind to push through out of your comfort zone. To her for making the very relatable analogy of a house and the floors and doors to which your cognitive and subconscious self reside in order to integrate.
      This was amazing and do encouraging to read.

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      1. The house I built was my way to explain it to my therapist who lives in your world. I did not even have a clue I worked within my brain from room to room shutting doors behind me so as to keep everything straight and not merkey in my mind.
        It was HG books that let me inside his mind. There was when I found the keys to open my basement that I pulled shut as an 8 year old child. I am high functioning so Therefore any personality disorder I have was very well hidden to the outside world. Tho I new I was diffrent I had to see the mindset that HG is in. That’s when things started to fall in place. So I will throw some fuel to you HG. I am very grateful for your books. There not just for the victims you leave behind. your teaching those like us that can’t feel or understand. unless you no what makes us so diffrent and why we can never help the rest of the generations. There is so much to learn.

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  14. I was told by other therapists and doctors that BPD was not curable and all I could do was learn DBT and learn to work around the BPD. That didn’t sit well with me. Then, after I left my N abuser, I decided to start writing. I started my blog and wrote in it every day, about what I was feeling, no matter how dark or shame inducing or upsetting. No holds barred. I also dusted off my DBT skills and spent a lot of time in meditation and prayer, among other self-therapies (some of which are really weird!) But they worked. I was determined to get rid of my BPD. So I decided to start therapy in November and after a few months I asked my therapist to give me a diagnosis. I was terrified he’d tell me I had covert NPD (which is a lot like BPD, which I already had been 2x diagnosed with). But when he was ready to tell me what I had, he said he thinks I cured myself of BPD because I don’t show any of the symptoms of it anymore. He is very empathic and familiar with narcissistic abuse which is a godsend to me. I had prayed for a therapist like him. I really lucked out.

    He’s noticed in the last few sessions I’ve been avoiding something. We’d already been working with my inner child who I call Chair Girl because we have her sit in a chair. In this weeks
    session he pulled her chair really close. I felt uncomfortable and ashamed and awkward and kept trying to deflect the topic to other thing, tell him stories, jokes, etc. (I’ve always liked to keep him entertained LOL). He made me focus on Chair Girl and of course I want to do that, but it’s so hard because I feel so much shame and sadness when I do that. He had her tell me what she wants (“don’t judge me,” “give me unconditional love.” He asked me to describe where she lives (a gray, damp jail cell). He asked me to describe her good qualities. I had to think about that. I told him she had a good heart, and then I felt tears flood my eyes but they didn’t spill (I can’t cry in front of others–yet). She does have a good heart, she has so much to give, but I keep her locked in her little prison most of the time. I judge and reject her. I do to her what my abusive mother did to me when I was little. Damn, I feel like crying right now. Anyway, my therapist gave me a homework assignment. He told me to bring or make a gift for her and bring it next week to give to her. I have no idea what to get her but I know it has to be special because I know she is special. I am going to do this but I know it has to be just the right gift.

    I’m going on about this, HG, because basically this is something you must do. Find your inner child who lives in the void , the little-boy HG you rejected because of the shame he holds for you. Give him a name. Have him sit in a chair and talk to him. Give him a special gift. Tell him you are sorry for shoving him back in the dark recesses of your mind where he never sees the light of day. The goal is to bring your false self– the “emotionless”, abusive HG, and integrate that with your lost and hurt child-self (your true self). Let little HG tell you what he needs from you.

    What these exercises do, besides integrating your false and true selves into a healthy new self, is they rewire your mind to feel compassion and empathy. If you can begin to feel empathy for your child(true) self and begin to consciously experience the emotions little HG still feels to this day, then eventually your brain rewires itself so you can begin to feel a tiny bit of empathy toward others. And from being able to empathize, you learn to experience all those other emotions you think you’ve been missing out on.

    Maybe your therapists are already doing this kind of work with you. It does sound like your doctors are highly skilled and know how to work with NPD patients because we can all see you changing here on your blog and it’s like…well, I know this sounds hopelessly corny but it’s like watching a flower bloom from a mountain of ashes and it’s a beautiful thing to see. Or a light going on in the darkness, slowly illuminating everything around it. We are all in your corner, cheering you on–it’s the ride of your life and you can win this!

    Sorry again for this being so long.

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    1. Umm…you may want to read HG’s writings on his therapists and how therapy for narcs is just another fun fuel game for them. G loves talking about the “work” his therapist – the one he saw with his ex to “save the marriage” and continued to see even after the divorce! – has him do like journaling to his inner child. I used to think he was so deep and self-aware to be open to therapy like that, especially being such a proud and public man from a very traditional culture (would rather die than see shrink or admit to anyone that you did). But now I know better. The whole therapy thing was for sure a way to make it look to his ex like he wanted to save the marriage, and when that didn’t work, it was a perfect way to make her look like the crazy/difficult one in their attempts to co-parent. And therapy is also a great way to impress new fuel (like I was once upon a time) with his deepness. Yeah, deep like his a-hole. 🙁

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      1. Also, it sounds like you have something against HG or you had some falling out. Do you? I’m not trying to be a smartass, but I’m curious.

        Maybe I’m an idiot or as Sam Vaknin puts it, a “malignant optimist,” but personally I think HG is sincere when he writes about his therapy.

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  15. HG, do you think that Amanda, your angel, has anything to do with the way you are now? She was perfect then she left – are other women being punished for not being Amanda or looked down on because they stay?

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  16. HG

    You have a close friend on here that dropped some great fuel for you today.
    I am BPD. Your therapist is incorrect. It is however not at all an easy journey. It’s long and it’s hard, it can be done. You need to change your therapist if they are already planting negative thoughts.
    Narc. They say are not fixable because many don’t no they are broken. BPD know because we are an empath that something is wrong. The world does not work the way we do but we don’t work like the Narc. Always does.

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  17. Hi LO. No, nothing against HG. (The “G” I refer to in my comments is the N in my life, not HG.). I am very grateful for his help. And I agree with you that he is sincere when he writes about his therapy. I am just not sure you have read everything he has written about it, especially the parts where he is doing it for obligatory reasons (having to do with inheritance) and decided okay then I am going to have fun with these f-wits. I think the danger – which N types totally encourage – is to think that HG or any N is in therapy because he WANTS to get better. That would be saying there is something wrong with him in the first place. And as far as an N is concerned, he is the perfect one. The rest of us are the failures.

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  18. No You are not dead… You do feel… does it matter what? No. You are funny and Your laugh is so lovely. ..You are You.You are alive. Noone should be judging xxx

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