There once was a girlfriend of mine called Lesley. My preferred method of gathering fuel from her and also manipulating her was to call her It. This was extremely demeaning and in line with my worldview that people are just objects and appliances to do things for me. You may be an admiring appliance, you may be an accommodating appliance and run around for me. Alternatively you may be an enabling appliance providing me with what I want. A person is an appliance is an object. I was able to reinforce this especially with Lesley. I did not do it all the time. This would have diluted its effect. I would however be consistent in its application however. In some respects it was a half-way house to the Silent Treatment as I was not acknowledging her completely, I was belittling her but not quite ignoring her totally. The fact I was talking about her made her feel as if she had to respond and thus I got what I was looking for; a reaction.

I would start first thing inΒ the morning. As ever, I was awake first as I had had a refreshing night’s sleep, the sleep of the just. She had probably lay awake for a few hours after I turned my back on her when she wanted to make love. She knew better than to pester me though. As I lay on my elbow looking at her freckled face, she would blink into wakefulness. Her blue eyes would meet mine and I would see the hope surge in them as she knew I was looking at her.

“Ah,it is awake,” I wouldΒ  smile maintaining my gaze. The hope immediately became crushed and although she tried to hide it, I could see my blow had landed.

“Oh don’t do that please, it is horrible,” she would say pleasantly.

“It seems to have something to say. It always has,” I would remark. She would shake her head.

“Please, stop it, you know I don’t like it when you do that.”

“It wants us to stop. It always wants its own way.”

“No I don’t.”

“It is getting annoyed now. It is always loses its temper.”

“Pack it in.” She would rise from the bed and make for the shower. I would hover nearby and give a running commentary.

“It is washing itself using the shower gel we bought for it. It likes to smell nice.”

“It is washing its hair now. It is trying to wash the guilt away. It reeks of it.”

Lesley would try toΒ ignore the comments but I knew from her sighs and the slumping of the shoulders it was getting to her. Having subjected her to maybe fifteen minutes of commenting on what she was doing, I shifted the tack and began to use this technique in a more suggestive fashion.

“It ought to wear a pencil skirt and blouse today. It does not want to look too sloppy even if it is a Friday.”

Lesley would pick out the suggested outfit. I knew why she did it. She felt that by making this suggestion, even though I was still calling her it, it showed I was interested in her and she lapped it up. She completely missed that this was what I wanted her to do for me and was nothing to do with being interested in her.

“It really ought to cook breakfast as we must not go hungry.”

“It would do well to ensure the shopping is done before we return this evening.”

“It should remember we are going out tonight and it is not invited.”

She would depart for work, bristling but not wanting to escalate matters. My technique would continue through the day. I would telephone her and ask,

“Is it busy?”

“Yes I am, so now you are talking to me are you?”

“It wants to know if we are talking to it. Now we are not.” I would put the phone down.

By evening she would be pleading with me to stop it, tears welling in her eyes. Lesley had had enough of my objectification which was sustained and cutting through out the day. As I picked up my wallet in readiness to heading out with my friends, without her, I would turn and say,

“I am going out now. I will see you later.”

The smile that erupted across her face was immense as I had dropped the It commentary.

“Okay, have a good time,” she would answer pleasantly.

“I will. Bye Karen.”

I never looked over my shoulder but I knew how using the wrong name would hurt her.

Learn more about how the narcissist is manipulating you. Knowledge is power.





46 thoughts on “It

  1. Lisa says:

    Well I suppose there could be an ulterior motive HG, though I have no clue as to what it could be. Watching someone who has crushed countless human souls (including those of their own children) express a unique tenderness towards their cat isn’t changing what I already know you to be true.

  2. nikitalondon says:

    Hahaha so sad. No problem. And the chilling for me was to chill out.. So imagine I was expecting somethimg totally different. Now I know what chilling is πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

    1. So Sad says:

      Oh I see . Sorry Nickita.. I’m in the UK . Chilling can mean relaxing but also frightening .. I hope it didn’t scare you too much .. xx

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Chilling is what happens to my Chablis.

        1. So Sad says:

          Now I had you down as you as more of a Chianti connoisseur HG … Don’t know what made me think of that :)………….. Haha ..

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Perhaps it was the fava beans So Sad.

          2. So Sad says:

            Dead give away HG..

      2. nikitalondon says:

        Hi SS

        Nooo no issues. Was horrible to look at but not that it scared me. I just felt something and put in a comment πŸ˜ƒ. I was expecting like I told you something to chill out πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚.. Was not exactly the case

  3. mlaclarece says:

    A well in your basement H.G.? Oh hush! I’ll stop reading you if you are that sadistic!

  4. luckyotter says:


  5. So Sad says:

    This is the first thing that came into my head when I read this .. Chilling !!!! ( Hope the link works …)

    1. So Sad says:

      Lol Not implying you’re a psycho killer BTW HG … πŸ™‚

      1. HG Tudor says:

        No implication taken So Sad although I am awaiting planning permission on the well in the basement.

        1. So Sad says:

          HaHa HG . I’m sure you’ll charm the pants off whoever give the permission ..

          1. HG Tudor says:


    2. HG Tudor says:

      Indeed. You should also take note that just because somebody loves animals that does not make them a normal and caring person.

      1. nikitalondon says:

        Sooooo true the statement above. I could tell you on some animal rescuers..

      2. Lisa says:

        I have always wondered about this HG. How can a narc feel sympathy and even love for an animal but not another human if those feeling do not exist for you? Curious as I have seen this on multiple occasions….

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Hi Lisa, how do you know they actually feel this for the animal as opposed to just showing it for an ulterior motive? I don’t feel sympathy or love for animals. I don’t hurt them but I have no care for them.

      3. So Sad says:

        Yes.. The one & only time I saw Nc cry was when his beloved pet died . Full on tears .

    3. nikitalondon says:

      This was so horrible to watch!!!! You should have warned on the contents

      1. So Sad says:

        No offence Nikita . Though I did say it was ” chilling ” ..

    4. luckyotter says:

      It looks like Buffalo Bill has a moment where he struggles with emotion and feels some empathy for his victim while she cries for her mother, but then his cold blooded nature wins over. It was very weird watching that.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        I think that was just wind.

      2. So Sad says:

        I know Lucky . You could see the flicker then it was gone . It made me think of my ex . Always ” hoovering me back in”
        Pretending to care to win me back, a few days of the Golden Period then business as usual .

    5. sepultura13 says:

      LOL – that’s what came to my mind, as well.

      Malignarcs can indeed be killers! Charles Manson, Ted Bundy, and Jim Jones are classic examples, as is Diane Downs.

  6. luckyotter says:

    Riveting post. I recall the first post ever I read by you was also about Lesley. I forgot the title but you hadn’t seen her in some time and had planned a nice evening out…she was so happy to see you…and you gave her the Stephen king novel “It”–anyway I think that’s how it played out. And she was so devastated and hurt. But she kept coming back for more. I felt so sorry for her.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You shouldn’t. She deserves no sympathy whatsoever.

      1. luckyotter says:

        well, truth be told, I empathized with you too. Go figure!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Hey why wouldn’t you LO, I am that kind of chap!

          1. luckyotter says:

            Yes, I thought so. Anyway, goodnight HG. Sleep well. πŸŒ™ ⭐️

  7. Cara says:

    Mmmmhmmmm. “Does it wish to speak?” and “is it still here?” or “I don’t want to see it the rest of the week,” I grew up thinking I was supposed to call a man an “it” (a thing as opposed to a person), I watched my mother do it to my father.

    What she does to my sisters & I is she calls us each by the other’s names, reminding us we’re interchangeable.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      All classic tactics. You are interchangeable, you are all appliances.

  8. 1jaded1 says:

    Wow…icy. Was she ever gone when you came home? As in, I went out with my friends too (and I had fun)? Or was she completely gone by then?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It would go out from time to time yes.

  9. Hope says:

    And she never put 2 + 2 together when she eventually met your family, HG? You’d think the memory of her incident of cruelty at the bar would’ve suddenly struck her like a lightning bolt…

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Well Hope I ensured that she did not meet L so she would not make any connection and be alerted to who I really was.

  10. Yo says:

    Recently my boss got a strange friend request from a strange profile, and in the message there were “do u know ms. ME” (me is me, YO, my official name)

    My boss was surprised and resend it to me.

    Can it be from a MN? (Either my ex or the new guy who tried to love bombed me)

    Is it a way how they can act?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is entirely possible.

      1. Yo says:

        For what? What is the reason, they dont have enough events in their life.. this is really a behaviour if an ill person..

        1. HG Tudor says:

          To draw fuel from you, making you anxious, guarded. The person knows how you will react and even if they do not see that reaction they will still draw fuel from knowing how you ordinarily react.

  11. nikitalondon says:

    Whem I first read this posting, I had recently joined the blog and I felt so sorry for Lesly. After reading eroded and elated I wont say that she deserved the treatment of course not, but I have now in mind a very cold hearted person. Almost with no feelings. Maybe this is why she could stand being called IT repetetively….
    Clear abuse to a person that is abusive herself..
    Of course abuse is never acceptable.
    The story changes completely when you have the background of the book.
    The posting is excelent. You can really “see the abuse”. Good nite HG πŸ˜˜πŸ˜˜πŸŒ”

    1. I’ll reserve my judgement at this point then…

      1. nikitalondon says:

        Why?? You can tell me.
        I repeat I did not say calling her it was what she deserved. It should have never happened. But laughing at a man that looses control on his bladder in public is despicable, cruel… Has no name.

        1. I hadn’t read the book that you mentioned Nikita. That is all I meant.

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